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on (#5MEMH)
All athletes will be required to thoroughly wash their hands once before attending the games.Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 22:30 |
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on (#5MEG7)
Several dating shows with odd premises have premiered recently, like Sexy Beast, where contestants wear animal masks, and Love Is Blind, where contestants interact without being able to see each other. The Onion looks at some of the other strangest new dating shows out there.
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on (#5MEBX)
HOOPESTON, IL— Whether it’s baked into a tasty bread, popped in oil as a savory treat, or enjoyed fresh and right off the cob, sources from across the nation agreed Wednesday that, whatever differences they may have, Americans still grow themselves some mighty good-lookin’ corn. “Regardless of which part of the…Read more...
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on (#5MEC0)
A Scottish mountaineering organization has accused Google Maps of directing its users to navigate a route up Ben Nevis, the highest mountain in the British Isles that is “highly dangerous, even for experienced climbers” and “potentially fatal.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MDYB)
MILWAUKEE—Slamming his lack of technique and discipline as he celebrated the victory, Milwaukee Bucks forward Giannis Antetokounmpo was widely criticized online Tuesday night for his poor footwork while hoisting the Finals MVP trophy. “He’s clearly just relying on his size to lift up the trophy that high, no skill at…Read more...
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on (#5MDKR)
Finding the love of your life is hard enough without technology that allows you to get rejected by every other single person in your area. Here are insane things that everyone who uses online dating apps has experienced.Read more...
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on (#5MDDP)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Emphasizing the mental strength and speed required to deescalate skirmishes between world-class athletes, a new mixed martial arts gym opened Tuesday dedicated to training the next generation of guys who hold back fighters during press conferences. “There’s an art to stepping in between two dudes as…Read more...
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on (#5MDDQ)
The Biden administration has transferred a detainee from Guantánamo Bay detention camp to Morocco, marking the first time a prisoner has been released since Biden took office and could signal the president’s intent to eventually close the U.S. military prison. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MDC3)
WASHINGTON—Warning that the blaze appeared to working off a plan that had been devised over a period of extreme isolation, the Federal Bureau of Investigation warned in a Tuesday press conference that the Oregon wildfire had been plotting a violent takeover of the state for years. “It seems the wildfire has spent…Read more...
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on (#5MD8P)
SEATTLE—Urging parents to seek help from a mental health care provider if their child displays such behaviors, psychologists at the University of Washington warned Tuesday that adolescents who abuse animals often go on to become factory farm owners later in life. “When an adult owns a livestock production facility…Read more...
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on (#5MD6B)
TOKYO—In an effort to minimize close contact and limit the spread of Covid-19, the International Olympic Committee issued a statement Tuesday discouraging athletes from engaging in sexual activity during competition at this year’s Summer Games. “In the interests of public health, we are asking our Olympic participants…Read more...
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on (#5MC7G)
As an actor, there’s no better way to demonstrate your craft than by risking your life for a multibillion dollar studio franchise. We asked some of today’s biggest action stars to describe their most dangerous stunts, and here is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5MC5H)
Illinois has become the first state to bar police officers from lying and using other deceptive tactics when interrogating juveniles, such as promising leniency or insinuating that incriminating evidence exists. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MBYC)
HOUSTON—Voicing his displeasure with the official Minute Maid Park policy, irate Houston Astros fan Rylan Murphy told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe they cut off gun sales after the seventh inning. “It is such arbitrary bullshit that they won’t sell you a gun in the last two innings even though that can be…Read more...
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on (#5MBSS)
Johnson & Johnson has announced a recall of aerosol sunscreen products from Neutrogena and Aveeno after some samples were found to contain low levels of benzene, a chemical linked to blood cancers such as leukemia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M9J0)
NORWICH, NY—Urging consumers to discard the products immediately and apply for a refund, Chobani announced Friday that it had recalled thousands of containers of yogurt that had given people yogurt. “We are asking customers to search their refrigerators and throw out all Chobani yogurts, which, due to a contamination…Read more...
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on (#5M9J1)
“I just check the box on my 1040 that asks if I’d like to opt out.”Read more...
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on (#5M9FQ)
Pop star Olivia Rodrigo met with President Biden and Covid-19 medical adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci at the White House to record videos encouraging young people to get vaccinated against the novel coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M99Z)
NORTHBROOK, IL—Frustrated by his obvious level of intoxication, Ms. Pac-Man could reportedly tell within moments that the man currently operating her Friday was drunk as fuck. “Christ, as soon as this dude slammed his meaty paw down on the ‘one player’ button, I knew he was completely hammered,” said Ms. Pac-Man,…Read more...
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on (#5M9A0)
WASHINGTON—Clutching his briefcase and keeping his eyes averted as he approached, President Joe Biden rushed past an intimidating circle of senators smoking weed on the Capitol steps, sources confirmed Friday. “Excuse me, folks, just trying to get through here,” said the commander-in-chief, reportedly holding his…Read more...
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on (#5M91J)
NASA warns that a “wobble” in the moon’s orbit, which happens every 18.6 years, will combine with rising sea levels to bring dramatic increases in high-tide coastal floods across the U.S. in the 2030s. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M91H)
LOGAN, UT—Employing state-of-the-art technology to recreate an authentic outdoor running experience, the exercise equipment manufacturer NordicTrack reportedly unveiled a new treadmill Friday that comes covered in dog shit. “For runners who want the thrill of dodging feces, litter, and broken glass from the comfort of…Read more...
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on (#5M91G)
The European Union on Wednesday announced a slew of new climate change legislation aimed at making its 27 member states carbon neutral by 2050. The Onion looks at the key components of the EU’s new climate change plan.
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on (#5M8AB)
FORT COLLINS, CO—Feeling panicked and bewildered by the unexpected deposit, local 30-year-old Dean Osterman was reportedly wondering Thursday if there was something he didn’t know about after a payment from the child tax credit program hit his bank account. “Wait, what? Oh jeez, no, but that’s impossible,” said…Read more...
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on (#5M8AC)
ASHEVILLE, NC—Calling it the greatest threat to the restaurant’s ideals since the Butterfly Shrimp Tackle Box was added to the menu in 2009, strict Popeyes originalist Ryan Malburg spoke out Thursday against the chain’s plan to begin serving chicken nuggets, calling it a stain on the founder’s vision. “In 1972, when…Read more...
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on (#5M8AD)
Try as you might, there’s only so much you can do to prepare for a human-shaped parasite to burst out of your body and into the world. Here are the most shocking things no one told you would happen during childbirth.Read more...
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on (#5M882)
Senate Democrats have introduced draft legislation that would decriminalize marijuana at the federal level by removing it from the federal list of controlled substances. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M7KC)
A city in Minnesota has asked residents to stop dumping pet goldfish into waterways after large groups of the invasive species, which can cause poor water quality, were discovered in local lakes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M7KB)
THE HEAVENS—Kicking Himself for never getting around to developing what would have been a useful skill, God, Our Heavenly Father, and the Creator of the Universe, admitted Thursday that he regretted never learning to speak Spanish.
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on (#5M6VA)
LOS ANGELES—Rushed to hospital after a gruesome loss Sunday at UFC 264, Conor McGregor reportedly underwent surgery for three hours Wednesday to repair a fractured ego. “We’re able to salvage it thanks to an intramedullary rod and some small screws, but it was already incredibly fragile before the fight,” said surgeon…Read more...
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on (#5M6QM)
The consumer price index rose 5.4% in the last year, the biggest jump in annual inflation in nearly 13 years as businesses struggle to keep up with demand out of the pandemic, causing prices to surge. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M6ME)
ATLANTA—Citing efforts to ensure even the deadliest of microbes are contained in humane conditions, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention told reporters Wednesday it lets the smallpox and rinderpest viruses outside its High-Containment Facility once daily for an hour of exercise. “We allow them to get some…Read more...
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on (#5M5DJ)
NEW YORK—Noting that most of the beloved characters from the original show show were returning, HBO Max confirmed Tuesday that the Sex And The City offshoot And Just Like That would take place in a white void after New York City opted not to reprise its role in the series. “While many leading cast members like Sarah…Read more...
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on (#5M5BF)
While every parent secretly wants to believe their child was born a prodigy, the truth is that only 99% of kids actually grow up to be bonafide geniuses. Here are some telltale signs your son or daughter may be gifted.Read more...
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on (#5M56D)
STOUGHTON, MA—Searching for any signs of himself at all in the memorial’s presentation, local man Cameron Miller told reporters Tuesday that he hoped there was a picture of himself with his deceased friend in the slideshow displayed at the wake. “I know I wasn’t Jason best friend, but I think we took some flattering…Read more...
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on (#5M56F)
A sealed 1996 Super Mario 64 video game cartridge has sold at auction for $1.56 million, shattering the record set two days before by an unopened copy of Nintendo’s The Legend Of Zelda. What do you think?Read more...
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