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on (#5M4VQ)
ROME—Steeling himself to eat the unappetizing concoction as he sat in his hospital bed, Pope Francis on Tuesday was reportedly served Eucharist Jell-O while recovering from colon surgery. “They said it’ll be a few more days until I can eat solid Eucharist again, but in the meantime I have to admit this stuff is pretty…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-06-29 11:30 |
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on (#5M4VR)
BRYN MAWR, PA—Unable to enjoy the film between the gunfire and the ringing of spent brass on the tile floor, moviegoer Scott Crary expressed deep frustration Tuesday with the obnoxiously loud patron in the row behind him whose insistence on shooting up the theater had become a distraction. “Jesus Christ, that’s rude.…Read more...
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on (#5M3YE)
REDDING, CA—As they confronted a complex meta-conflagration said to be a result of the region’s record-breaking heat wave, California fire officials told reporters Monday that unrelenting high temperatures had caused a wildfire to catch fire along a section of Interstate 5. “Between an extreme drought and a…Read more...
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on (#5M3YF)
14-year-old Zaila Avant-garde from Louisiana became the first African American to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday by correctly spelling “Murraya,” a genus of plants. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M3WP)
WASHINGTON—As income inequality continues to render middle currencies obsolete, the United States Department of the Treasury reportedly began phasing out all bills Monday except for $1s and $100s. “In an effort to streamline our operations so they’re more in line with the current financial landscape, we will be…Read more...
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on (#5M3TX)
NASHVILLE, IN—Immediately taking off from his roost without a second look back, a local deadbeat bird reportedly deemed the human touching its eggs Monday as a good enough reason to abandon its nest. “Ah damn, I really wanted to raise those eggs, but I guess them’s the breaks,” said the American robin, who flapped his…Read more...
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on (#5M3KA)
Former President Trump has filed a class-action lawsuit against Facebook, Twitter, Google, and their respective CEOs, claiming the platforms denied his rights to free speech, despite the First Amendment not prohibiting private companies from enforcing speech restrictions. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M3K9)
BONNERS FERRY, ID—Hailing the search-and-rescue mission a success, officials with the Idaho Department of Fish and Game confirmed Monday a park ranger had located and extracted a grizzly bear that had wandered off a hiking trail into dense and dangerous terrain. “It’s pretty easy to get turned around in these woods…Read more...
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on (#5M1KT)
Flying through the sky with hundreds of other people in a cramped metal tube may seem luxurious, but you’d be surprised at how many corners airlines will cut behind your back. Here are the most horrifying things low-cost carriers will do to keep tickets cheap.
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on (#5M1JA)
Japan has announced that the Tokyo Olympics will go ahead under a state of emergency but without any spectators at events taking place in the capital amid the recent surge in coronavirus cases. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M1E0)
UPPER MERION, PA—Dreading the look of disapproval in his father’s eyes, local man Andrew Martin panicked Friday after his dad discovered the pay-per-view charge from when he ordered WrestleMania XV in 1999. “Shit, I’m gonna be in so much trouble,” said Martin, 33, lamenting his decision to purchase the WWF card…Read more...
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on (#5M17Q)
BIG BEAR, CA—In an effort to avoid interfering with his process, everyone on a camping trip reportedly just got out of the way Friday while their friend Jacob Lopez, who knows what he’s doing, took care of everything. “Seems like Jake’s got it all under control,” said Daryl Steadman, a member of the party, who carried…Read more...
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on (#5M17N)
The NYPD has unveiled a new “game truck” that will drive game consoles around to local communities with the goal of having children get to know police officers through the shared interest of video games. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M17M)
The global sneaker market has exploded in the past several years to about $70 billion annually, but it can be hard for those looking to develop a sneaker collection of their own to know where to start. The Onion offers tips for starting a sneaker collection.
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on (#5M0FX)
TOKYO—With the city under a state of emergency as Covid-19 cases surge across Japan, Olympic officials announced Thursday that in the interests of public health, all athletic competition at the Tokyo Games would now be limited to short walks outside. “In order to slow the pandemic’s rapid spread through the region,…Read more...
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on (#5M0FY)
TOWSON, MD—Drawing looks of scorn, terror, and bewilderment, local freak Adam Campbell demonstrated that actually knew how big an acre is, shocked sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s 43,560 square feet,” said the 31-year-old absolute fucking weirdo, who put friends ill at ease as he answered what was originally posed as…Read more...
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on (#5M0FZ)
Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch is set to debut Fox Weather, a 24-hour streaming channel focused on weather, though how it will address climate change remains unclear. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M0E3)
ATLANTIC OCEAN—Trembling as it dawned on him that he would only have one chance and was about to botch it, starstruck man Bill Sampson reportedly couldn’t think of anything to say to the cruise ship hypnotist in the breakfast buffet line. “My first thought was to say ‘Hey, great job last night, you really took our…Read more...
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on (#5M0C0)
Ever since his first appearance back in Super Mario Sunshine, fans have delighted in the playful, mischievous antics of Bowser Jr. as he teams up with his father to finally defeat Mario once and for all. Well, sadly, that time may be coming to an end because the little scamp we all know has grown up into quite the…Read more...
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on (#5M0C2)
MALIBU, CA—Expressing concern over a recent spate of social media outbursts and drunken interviews, friends and family were reportedly worried Thursday that Scottie Pippen’s downward spiral would lead to the former Bulls star hosting an ESPN morning show. “Scottie doesn’t look like himself lately, and I’d hate for…Read more...
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on (#5M0C1)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Expressing concerns about the potential consequences for their health, hundreds of employees throughout California told reporters Thursday they were hesitant about returning to in-person work in buildings that were presently on fire. “If I’m being honest, I’m a little nervous about having to go back to…Read more...
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on (#5M03N)
The dating app Bumble announced that it would be opening a new café and wine bar in New York City called Bumble Brew, a place for people who match on the app to meet in real life. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KZDR)
PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Defying protests calling for his removal, political experts confirmed Wednesday that Haiti faced a constitutional crisis after recently assassinated prime minister Jovenel Moïse refused to step down from office. “It’s unclear how the nation will move on now that Moïse is clinging to power from…Read more...
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on (#5KZDS)
LOS ANGELES—Complaining that giving people a fair chance should not erase others’ hard work, ESPN broadcaster Rachel Nichols insisted Wednesday that she would win the NBA Finals MVP if not for all the diversity hires on the Suns and Bucks. “I’ve worked really hard, and while I’m sure Devin Booker and Giannis are good…Read more...
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on (#5KZC8)
While some parents feel they have to muscle it out and stay married for their children, the best ones make a healthy decision to throw in the towel and break it off once and for all. Here are things you’ll only understand if your parents were divorced.
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on (#5KZB6)
A study conducted by researchers in Iceland found that a four-day work week without a pay cut improved workers’ well-being and productivity. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KZ96)
GRAPEVINE, TX—Taking a defiant stand as children taunted him, local 9-year-old Trevor Larson denied having a crush on fellow fourth-grader Abby Hinsdale and vehemently asserted that he was incapable of love, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Nuh-uh, no way do I like Abby! She’s a butter-face, plus something inside of me…Read more...
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on (#5KZ4V)
CHICAGO—Expressing relief that they had financially prepared for the unforeseen accident, family sources confirmed Wednesday that the money they saved on discounted fireworks were put directly toward the funeral expenses of Chase McKay. “Luckily, Chase bought those Roman candles at wholesale prices, so we can afford a…Read more...
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on (#5KZ2X)
LOS ANGELES—Gawking at the woman’s feet with a mixture of awe and envy, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 30-year-old Emma Price’s sandal tan lines must mean she just returned from a weekend aboard a $35 million yacht off the coast of Ibiza. “Ooh la la, clearly someone had a crazy weekend partying with…Read more...
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on (#5KZ2Y)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Warning that the weak, calcified structures were particularly susceptible to critical failure, Ron DeSantis announced Wednesday that all Florida residents would be required to reinforce their bones with steel and concrete. “Starting today, all men, women, and children will be mandated to shore up their…Read more...
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on (#5KZ2Z)
Jeff Bezos officially stepped down as Amazon’s CEO on Monday to focus on other projects, like his space exploration company Blue Origin, but will remain the e-commerce company’s executive chairman and largest shareholder. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KY9T)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Fleets of rescue helicopters, speedboats, and school buses rushed to evacuate more than 21 million Florida residents Tuesday after the entire state—from the panhandle all the way down to Miami and the Keys—was declared structurally unsound and condemned by inspectors. “Go! Go! Go! We haven’t got much…Read more...
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on (#5KY9V)
Defending world champion Joey Chestnut broke his own record Sunday, devouring 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes, 26 more than the second-place finisher in the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KY64)
STANFORD, CA—In the results of a new study published in the Journal Of Woe, researchers from Stanford University revealed Tuesday that “truly being seen” still ranks among the worst possible experiences in human existence. “We’ve found conclusive evidence that realizing somebody has managed to look past your…Read more...
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on (#5KY65)
SAN FRANCISCO—Deeming the move unfortunate but necessary to keep his fledgling Silicon Valley dream alive, CEO Jason Ipser told reporters Tuesday that his struggling tech company was almost desperate enough to start making an actual product. “Believe me, I never thought I’d say this, but after years of doing…Read more...
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on (#5KY3K)
A car seems like an amazing deal until it’s time to sign the sales agreement, and you discover the dealership is asking literally thousands of dollars for the vehicle. Thousands.Read more...
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