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on (#5KB6Z)
LITTLE ITALY, NY—Barring those without prior connections from coveted job opportunities within the outfit, the Romano family, an organized crime syndicate, was condemned by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Monday for a long history of nepotistic hiring practices. “After conducting a thorough survey of the…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 00:15 |
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on (#5KB1R)
NYE, MT—Tickled by the group’s resolve, local grizzly bear Osguf confirmed Monday that his favorite part of mauling campers was when they threw their arms in the air to look bigger. “The whole thing is a blast from start to finish, don’t get me wrong, but I have a soft spot for when they start frantically waving…Read more...
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on (#5K7TJ)
Texas GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert suggested in a recent congressional hearing that altering the moon’s orbit could combat climate change, asking a U.S. Forest Service official whether there was any way the agency could do it. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5K7TH)
KISSIMMEE, FL—Expressing his enthusiasm over the Disney+ series, area Loki fan Kent Milner told reporters Friday that he loved how the show contained so many references to Loki. “It’s a real treat for MCU fanatics like myself to see the creators include so many subtle nods to the Asgardian God of Mischief in the…Read more...
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on (#5K7TG)
NEW YORK—Saying he was “ready to own it,” Dan Burnside, departing CEO of the troubled Fortune 500 company Adelwright Industries, announced Friday he would be accepting full compensation for mistakes he made that jeopardized the business. “I stand before you today humbled by my past missteps, and in order to make…Read more...
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on (#5K7TF)
SANTA FE, NM—Advising residents to avoid prolonged outdoor activity, the National Weather Service reported Friday that a scorching heat wave had caused unsightly blisters to bubble up across the American Southwest. “Although the region is known for its flare-ups this time of year, these are some of the most…Read more...
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on (#5K7TE)
NEW YORK—Worried that people might think they would get in trouble or be blocked from using the service, a new MLB.TV ad campaign launched Friday reminding subscribers they can give away their log-in information to any number of people they want. “Seriously, look, give it to your dad, give it to your friend, we don’t…Read more...
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on (#5K7TC)
PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming the brand was faultless if drivers were not fully engaged while at the wheel, Tesla CEO Elon Musk blamed user error Friday after cars reportedly began sealing off windows and suffocating their owners alive. “Unfortunately, while it’s a rare and preventable tragedy, many people are not prepared…Read more...
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on (#5K6ZN)
FREE CITY OF LUBECK, HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE—Apologizing for not thinking five centuries ahead when looking for a job, local townsfolk Eldwin Walfridsson told sources Thursday he did not intend on taking work as a barrel maker in 1471 to become his family’s entire identity for the next 25 generations. “I just needed a few…Read more...
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on (#5K6XH)
NEW YORK—Crediting the spike to millions of Americans suddenly deciding to hold onto their aging vehicles a little longer, financial analysts reported that used car prices hit another new record Thursday after the old girl made it clear up to Yellowstone National Park without a single breakdown. “Demand for pre-owned…Read more...
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on (#5K6VV)
President Biden has signed the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act, making June 19 a federal holiday to commemorate the day in 1865 when the last enslaved African Americans in Texas were granted their freedom. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5K6Q6)
NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Wadding up half his face mask into a wet mound of plastic, vacationing scuba divers off the coast of a Caribbean resort reported Thursday that NBA star Steph Curry was just absolutely gnawing on his snorkel. “This is just nasty. We’re trying to explore this beautiful reef, but it’s so distracting…Read more...
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on (#5K6G9)
Our heads are still spinning from this year’s E3 press conferences, but one game in particular is really sticking with us: Bethesda’s recently announced RPG Starfield is poised to redefine the possibilities of the medium as the first-ever video game set in outer space.
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on (#5K6GA)
Prison seemed the only safe place for this comedic force of nature, whose brand of take-no-prisoners humor traumatized politically correct weaklings around the world.
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on (#5K692)
WASHINGTON—Expressing concern that a lack of restraints on the burgeoning technological field may post significant consequences down the road, President Joe Biden reportedly pressed a cybernetic replica of himself Thursday on the growing threat of automation. “President Biden had a delicate but important conversation…Read more...
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on (#5K5AS)
ANN ARBOR, MI—Marking the end of its pandemic-era safety precautions, Domino’s announced Wednesday that the single pathetic little booths attached to their storefront are now open for dine-in orders. “We’re thrilled to announce that starting today, all our small, hard plastic seats are available for one pitiful…Read more...
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on (#5K57M)
WASHINGTON—In a rare unanimous vote, the Senate passed a bill Wednesday to make Juneteenth a federal holiday so long as no one thinks too hard about its significance. “This is a day to barbecue and get drunk, a day to ask your coworkers what they’re planning to do with their long weekend, and most of all a day to not…Read more...
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on (#5K4XQ)
The National Geographic Society has officially recognized the Southern Ocean, which surrounds Antarctica, as the world’s fifth ocean, marking the first time in over a century that the organization has redrawn the world’s oceanic maps. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5K4RW)
CINCINNATI—Touting the compact and portable product as incredibly effective, Tide introduced a new ink pen Wednesday for creating stains on the go. “Say goodbye to pesky clean clothes with the all new Tide To Go Ink Pen, capable of creating stains in just seconds,” said Procter & Gamble CEO David Taylor, who touted…Read more...
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on (#5K4RT)
LONDON—Mingling at intermission during the opening-night performance of the playwright’s latest work, members of high society were about to fucking snap if Clarence Wadleigh’s Haut Monde continued to make clever, lighthearted jests about their foibles, sources confirmed Wednesday. “How dare that impish scoundrel…Read more...
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on (#5K3Z7)
KNOXVILLE, TN—Following passage of a state law that withholds funding from districts that acknowledge the existence of systemic racism or white privilege, Knox County Schools unveiled Tuesday a new curriculum that consists of nothing but staring slack-jawed at an American flag for six hours a day. “By requiring…Read more...
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on (#5K3PF)
DENVER—Realizing he could still make something of himself and even attain social prominence, local man Paul Aleman reportedly took solace Tueday in the fact that the person with the longest documented lifespan, the late Jeanne Calment of France, didn’t become notable until the age of 112. “She’s a real inspiration to…Read more...
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on (#5K36X)
With global temperatures at an all-time high and air pollution often reaching toxic levels, there’s absolutely no better time to get outside and relax with friends and family. Here are several amazing, affordable ways to turn your backyard into a summer oasis!Read more...
on (#5K36W)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Conclusively establishing that the aquatic, flightless birds know what’s up, a team of biologists at Harvard University confirmed Tuesday that penguins were totally holding it down on the South Pole. “After thorough analysis of both biological and environmental factors, we have determined that penguins…Read more...
on (#5K27N)
Israel’s parliament, the 120-member Knesset, narrowly voted in favor of a new coalition government, ending the historic 12-year rule of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu who was succeeded by far-right politician Naftali Bennett. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5K23E)
WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—Expressing delight to see the return of his favorite franchise after so many years, a 66-year-old man who is considered to be far and away the world’s biggest fan of Avatar told reporters Monday that he could not be more excited about the upcoming Frontiers Of Pandora video game. “Oh man, it’s…Read more...
on (#5K203)
DETROIT—Recognizing the women who shaped him into the man he is today, local man Luke Steinhauer reportedly credited his great kissing skills Monday to growing up with lots of sisters. “The women I date are usually pretty impressed, but I explain that with five sisters in the house growing up, it was just the way I…Read more...
on (#5K1WM)
This giant 150-foot organ pumps out the blood that nourishes the attractions throughout the futuristic park.Read more...
on (#5K1WP)
WASHINGTON—Securing a rare bipartisan consensus as both parties acknowledged the growing influence of the nation’s biggest geopolitical rival, the U.S. Senate passed a bill Monday allocating $50 billion to compete directly with China by developing pandas on American soil. “If we continue to rely on China for these…Read more...
on (#5K0P1)
Looks like the console wars are heating up again, and this already tense conflict has just accelerated to a whole new level after an E3 presentation in which Microsoft claimed that “Xbox is better than PlayStation.” It’s a reckless escalation of hostilities that makes us question whether these relentless wars have…Read more...
on (#5JZ18)
AUSTIN, TX—Providing workers with an opportunity for some lighthearted fun, the human resources department of local ad agency Milner-Ferraro reportedly improved company morale by giving employees a constant stream of dumbass bullshit to mock, sources confirmed Friday. “It can be a bit of a grind here sometimes, so…Read more...
on (#5JYZN)
WASHINGTON—Calling the method a convenient way to air negative emotions without embarrassing consequences, the American Psychiatric Association recommended Friday that serial killers try getting out their feelings by writing taunting letters to investigators without ever sending them. “Whenever a serial killer feels…Read more...
on (#5JYYE)
WASHINGTON—With casualties in the ruthless conflict continuing to mount, sources confirmed more than 2 million Americans were left brain-dead Friday during the most brutal day yet in the nation’s online culture wars. “As the opposing camps exchange countless rounds of vapid tweets, shallow think pieces, and…Read more...
on (#5JYWT)
EVANSTON, IL—The high-level meetings having been triggered by a quorum of participants returning to their hometown for a visit, sources confirmed a group of former high school classmates convened at a local bar Friday to resume their longstanding series of multilateral shit talks. “Motion to pick up where we left off…Read more...
on (#5JYYF)
FRANKLIN, TN—Gushing that they never imagined they would find a dwelling that fit all their needs and desires, thrilled investment firm BlackRock reportedly announced Friday the purchase of its 800,000th dream home. “We’ve always wanted to own a 475,000th home with granite countertops and a big backyard, and we’re…Read more...
on (#5JYF8)
LOS ANGELES—Luxuriating in the precious few seconds before the real world came rushing back to him, local man Kevin Spacey reportedly spent a few moments in bed relaxing Friday morning before remembering he is Kevin Spacey. “Oh, fuck, that’s right,” mumbled Spacey, who had spent the previous moments basking in the…Read more...
on (#5JXJ0)
The U.S. will purchase 500 million doses of the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine to donate to 92 low-income countries and the African Union over the next year as pressure intensifies for wealthy countries to share their surplus. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JWY5)
A California federal judge has overturned the state’s 32-year-old ban on assault weapons, likening the AR-15 to a Swiss army knife that could be used “for both home and battle.” What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JWY4)
You don’t have to be an expert in the Middle East to know that the conversation around the Israel-Palestine crisis is changing, gamers. In the wake of the violence that broke out in Gaza a few weeks ago, there has been a renewed debate over who gets to claim Jerusalem as their own. Well, after seeing all this…Read more...
on (#5JW4W)
WASHINGTON—Calling the incident a minor hiccup and saying the European trip would continue as planned, the White House was reportedly forced to delay a press flight Wednesday after President Joe Biden got into the plane’s engine. “As soon as we remove the president from the turbine, we should be able to proceed as…Read more...
Benihana Asks Diners To Surrender Their Phones So Everyone Can Be In The Moment During Onion Volcano
on (#5JW34)
CINCINNATI—In an effort to ensure the dazzling culinary performance received the thoughtful consideration it deserved, staff at a local Benihana restaurant reportedly asked diners Wednesday to surrender their phones so everyone could be in the moment during the onion volcano. “Ladies and gentlemen, in order to bring…Read more...