SEATTLE—Their yearning almost palpable as the long wait ended and they finally surrendered to their desires, local couple Duncan Kirk and Maria Solis, who met during the pandemic, tenderly removed each other’s mask straps for the first time Tuesday. According to sources, the newly vaccinated pair approached each other…Read more...

When disaster strikes, a real survivalist is always prepared. Use The Onion’s checklist to fill your bug-out bag with everything you’ll ever need in the event you have to evacuate.

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AUSTIN, TX—Declaring it a vital new measure to protect unborn life, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a law Friday requiring doctors to inform any woman seeking an abortion that her fetus was already a Dallas Cowboys fan. “We just want all women to understand the gravity of the decision to terminate a pregnancy, and…Read more...

BOSTON—In a decision deemed the ideal course of action given his inebriated state, sources at Garfinkel’s bar confirmed Friday that the friends of local drunk man Brian Wendell agreed it would be best if they took away his car keys and jangled them just out of his reach. “Brian is pretty fucked up right now, so it…Read more...

Amazon has announced it will buy MGM Studios and its library of over 4,000 films for $8.45 billion in a move aimed at bolstering its offerings against streaming competitors. What do you think?Read more...

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Holding the icy brown mass aloft in a vain attempt to inspect it, local man Ralph Freeman confirmed Thursday that he found an unidentifiable beige food item that he froze, like, six months ago. “I think it might be some kind of gravy or something,” said Freeman, who speculated that the color and…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Following a year of upheaval that saw the country undergo a massive reckoning regarding state-sponsored violence, Minneapolis honored victims of police brutality Thursday by dedicating a fleet of armored vehicles to George Floyd. “These state-of-the-art military-style trucks equipped with power turrets and…Read more...

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LONDON—Having prepared for months to make its mark at this year’s Olympics, coronavirus variant B.1.525—a U.K. native best known for its skillful weakening of antibody responses—confirmed Thursday that it was excited to compete in Tokyo against top mutations from across the globe. “I can’t wait to travel to Japan this…Read more...

MONTREAL—Getting jarred back to reality by the screams of the crowd as the puck slid past his skates, Canadiens goaltender Carey Price let in an easy goal against the Maple Leafs Thursday while contemplating the chemical properties of ice. “It goes from a liquid to a solid to a vapor just like that,” said Price, who…Read more...

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An 11-year-old credited watching episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for her quick thinking when she marked a knife-wielding man attempting to kidnap her with blue-dyed slime as a way for authorities to identify him. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Grumbling about having to engage in such a lively interaction at this hour, local man Chris Wilson was reportedly too tired to deal with his chipper, overly energetic Frosted Mini Wheats box so early in the morning. “Christ, I just woke up, and already this loud orange box is screaming at me about how it’s…Read more...

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While mason jars and metal straws may seem like a hot internet trend, there’s actually a larger movement of everyday people trying to eliminate waste from their lives entirely. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about living a zero waste lifestyle, and we have the answers.

SAN JOSE, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...

An estimated 40 million adults receive therapy treatment every year, but those considering therapy or even in therapy may encounter some common myths and misconceptions about what it can accomplish. The Onion debunks the most enduring myths about therapy.

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SAN DIEGO—Moments after she sat down to enjoy a warm bowl of fettuccine with homemade tomato sauce, a sudden and unexpected crunching sensation prompted area woman Meg Stanton to stop and take a careful roll call of her teeth with the tip of her tongue, sources reported Wednesday. “Oh, fuck, was that part of my…Read more...

LEWISTON, ME—Racking his brain for any potential explanation, local surgeon Sergio Mitchell totally blanked Wednesday on what he cut open a patient for. “Now why the hell did I make this giant slit again?” said Mitchell of the 6-inch-long transverse incision he made across his subject’s abdomen with a No. 10 scalpel,…Read more...

CHICAGO—Cautioning the fast-food giant against cutting into their profit margins, critics warned Wednesday that a 15-dollar minimum wage would force McDonald’s to replace burger patties with robots. “Once you hike up the minimum wage, McDonald’s will have no choice but to replace the Big Mac with an automated burger,”…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Making history with his PGA Championship victory Sunday at Kiawah Island, Phil Mickelson became the first golfer to win a major tournament in 14 different decades. “It took Phil a while to get his first major, but he’s been on an incredible run since the 1881 British Open,” said Golf Periodically editor…Read more...

NEW YORK—His voice echoing through the stands as he pointed at the legendary director, Hawks guard Trae Young silenced the Madison Square Garden crowd Sunday to tell a court side Spike Lee that School Daze had too many plotlines. “I get what you’re trying to do by representing these different viewpoints but honestly…Read more...

The Belarus government forced a flight traveling through its airspace from Athens to Lithuania to land in order to arrest a dissident journalist who was on board, sparking international outrage with some labeling it a “state-sponsored hijacking.” What do you think?Read more...

ST. JOHNS, FL—In an effort to uphold values outlined in the code of conduct, officials from Bartram Trail High School confirmed Tuesday that they had altered yearbook photos to hide girls entirely. “Due to an inundation of dress code violations, including photos showing female cleavage, shoulders, arms, faces, and…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Faced with obstacles to his policy proposals that threatened to derail their passage, President Joe Biden on Tuesday reportedly expressed his concern that his ambitious agenda could be stalled by him not really caring if it happens or not. “I came into office with a mandate to enact big, bold legislation…Read more...

WASHINGTON—White House sources revealed Thursday that the Oval Office had been temporarily closed for cleaning after President Biden’s dog Major vomited a partially digested Secret Service agent onto the carpet. “Major is in good health and resting comfortably, and the office will be open as soon as a maintenance crew…Read more...

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On Wednesday, Republican representatives voted to strip Rep. Liz Cheney of her leadership position within the party’s House delegation, a move that represents a significant step by a political party that has precedents in U.S. history. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S. politicians being punished by their own…Read more...

TOKYO—Saying that he had done his own research but wanted to get a real local’s point of view, newly appointed U.S. ambassador to Japan Rahm Emanuel reportedly asked his hosts Tuesday to recommend the best black sites to visit. “So, if I’m hanging out by the American embassy in Tokyo, where are the best places I can…Read more...

NEW YORK—Accusing educators of brainwashing children with a liberal agenda of barnyard sounds, conservative pundits criticized local preschool Butler Academy Monday for silencing right-wing animal voices. “Every day, our children get sent to schools just like this, and are brainwashed by antifa teachers who believe…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about an overly ambitious agenda, several politically moderate members of Congress issued a joint statement Monday calling for smaller numbers. “The proposals that our colleagues are putting forward, at times, contain figures with as many as seven or eight digits in them, which is simply…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help cover costs for working families, President Joe Biden rolled out his child-care plan Wednesday allowing all American parents to drop their kids off at the White House between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. “Starting today, you can drop your tykes right off at the front gate, where a senior adviser…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Speaking out against H.R. 51, which has now cleared the House and made its way to the Senate, congressional Republicans argued Friday that granting Washington, D.C. statehood would be a slippery slope to the District one day becoming its own planet. “If the tiny District of Columbia is admitted as the 51st…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Moments after the international summit commenced, President Joe Biden attempted to steer world leaders away from the depressing topic of climate change by asking if anyone had seen the Apple+ sitcom Ted Lasso. “Before we move onto that IPCC models stuff, I wanted to ask: Anyone seen this new sitcom?…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the new $2 trillion proposal was unrealistic, GOP leaders reportedly voiced their opposition Tuesday to President Joe Biden’s infrastructure bill with an uplifting reminder that it is okay to be a work in progress. “What this proposal calls for is nothing less than a set of completely…Read more...

The biggest news in politics–March 2021.

WASHINGTON—Calling the proposed law “dangerous” and “unprecedented”, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) decried a new voting rights bill Thursday as a shameless power grab by the American people to control the country. “The proposed legislation is nothing more than a brazen attempt by the calculating American people to seize…Read more...

ATLANTA—Stressing the importance of providing a welcoming environment unimpeded by bureaucratic red tape, Georgia lawmakers warned Wednesday that stricter gun regulations would only cause mass shooters to move to other states. “Georgia cannot and must not make itself a state that can’t compete with the rest of the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Blasting the critics of surging migrant detentions, President Joe Biden claimed Monday that it was unfair to attack his administration over borders that former President James K. Polk was responsible for creating. “It’s absurd, we just got here, and now we are being blamed for a lack of transparency around…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a sign of growing party consensus on Capitol Hill, reports confirmed Friday that all 50 Senate Democrats have signaled their openness to restoring the filibuster to its original form as a drawn-out and highly provocative striptease act. “The filibuster is nothing but a tool for obstruction without the…Read more...

A task force convened to address security at the U.S. Capitol Building following the January 6 riot released a report on Monday. The Onion looks at the key takeaways from the Capitol security review.

WASHINGTON—Alleging rampant misuse of the inflatable transparent plastic sphere, an inspector general’s report released Monday showed that former Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao violated ethics guidelines when she ran personal errands in a government Zorb. “Though federal rules dictate it is only to be used for…Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Choking back tears while addressing the crowd of clamoring reporters, New York governor Andrew Cuomo expressed deep regret Friday that grandma didn’t have the balls to tough it out. “From the bottom of my heart, let me just say to the press, to my constituents, and most importantly to all the people I’ve…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Responding swiftly to the credible threat, Congress was reportedly forced to cancel its Thursday session after authorities warned of a looming plot to pass the stimulus bill. “Intelligence officials have informed us of a deeply unsettling plot to pass a nearly $2 trillion stimulus bill—a frightening plot…Read more...

BONN, GERMANY—Agreeing that public perception of how they were handling the climate crisis had never been more important, world leaders signed a major new accord Tuesday in which they pledged to cut carbon emissions to the extent that they could realistically back out of a few years from now. “This agreement sets…Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Acknowledging the New York governor’s impressive leadership skills, members of the nation’s media praised Andrew Cuomo Monday for his decisive, straight-talking approach to harassing his aides. “His ability to recognize a female staffer and immediately take actions necessary to make her uncomfortable is…Read more...