on (#5JW0Y)
“It’s tough because you grow up thinking that there are craft services tables everywhere you go. And then you learn they’re just on movie sets, not at the DMV or Home Depot or other places like that.”Read more...
| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-11-24 00:15 |
on (#5JW10)
Federal authorities have recovered more than $2 million of the $4.4 million ransom paid in cryptocurrency to Russian hackers who shut down a major fuel pipeline last month, marking the first seizure by a new digital extortion task force. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JVYS)
SALT LAKE CITY—In an effort to prevent any potential damage to the priceless collection, Layla Pehl, a docent at Discovery Gateway Children’s Museum, issued a reminder to guests Wednesday not to touch the kids. “I know there are a lot of fascinating youngsters on display, but please keep your hands to yourself at all…Read more...
on (#5JVQ8)
DALLAS—Claiming the top spot for immigrant-hopefuls for an eighth consecutive year, Amnesty International released a report Wednesday which found that the easiest path to a U.S. work visa was still signing with the Dallas Mavericks. “Our findings show that the Dallas Mavericks account for 91% of Eastern European…Read more...
on (#5JVGQ)
A mounting effort by some Republican lawmakers to ban the teaching of critical race theory in U.S. schools has prompted debate about what it is and its place in American education. The Onion answers the most common questions about critical race theory and the debate surrounding its teaching.
on (#5JVGT)
Arizona has refurbished a gas chamber to use hydrogen cyanide, the deadly gas used during the genocide perpetrated by the Nazis at Auschwitz and other extermination camps, on death row inmates. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JVGS)
DAYTON, OH—Appearing oblivious to the fact that her friends were shifting uncomfortably in their seats as she spoke, local woman Annie McClellan shared an anecdote about her boyfriend getting annoyed that was undercut by widespread knowledge of the man’s anger issues, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You should have seen…Read more...
on (#5JVGR)
NEW YORK—Managing to evoke unparalleled feelings of pity and fear in its audience, a fundraising email sent Wednesday from local theater company The Calliope Players was reportedly far more tragic than any of the plays it had ever produced. “It’s been a very challenging year, but we believe in our mission of hybrid…Read more...
on (#5JTH7)
Multi-billionaire and soon-to-be-former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will be aboard the first human flight operated by his aerospace company, Blue Origin, traveling with his brother and the winner of an online auction. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JTH8)
NEW YORK—Expressing discontentment at the total takeover of the month-long celebration, local man Drew Barrington was reportedly frustrated Tuesday that Pride had been completely co-opted by the LGBTQ community. “I’m just trying to have a nice time with my family, watch some special streaming categories, maybe enjoy a…Read more...
on (#5JTH9)
SAVANNAH, GA—Completely oblivious of the implications of her body’s positioning, Rebecca Branagan, 30, reportedly began a lifetime of chronic knee pain by sitting awkwardly for two minutes Tuesday. According to sources, Branagan’s slight five millimeter shift of bodyweight while her knee was folded oddly underneath…Read more...
on (#5JTEE)
Your steak always tastes better when you’ve got a sworn statement from the animal authorizing the consumption of 12 ounces of its flesh.Read more...
on (#5JTEF)
CAMBRIDGE—In a stark reminder of the future realities of a warming planet, scientists at Harvard University issued a warning Tuesday that climate-related food shortages may require bugs to overcome longstanding taboos against eating Americans. “We know that the prospect is unpleasant or even disgusting to some insects…Read more...
on (#5JS3B)
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have announced the birth of their second child, a daughter named Lilibet “Lili” Diana as a tribute to both Queen Elizabeth II and Princess Diana. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JRV6)
NEW YORK—Insisting the star forward’s absence was the biggest factor in the Lakers’ first-round elimination, Stephen A. Smith blasted Anthony Davis on First Take Monday for refusing to play through a groin surgery. “Now, I love AD, but I have to question the brother’s toughness if he can’t gut it out through a little…Read more...
on (#5JRRC)
NORMAN, OK—Hoping to make a personal sacrifice to aid Oklahoma’s run at the National Championship, star quarterback Spencer Rattler announced plans Monday to take a pay cut to help the Sooners recruit better players. “I’m happy to reconstruct my weekly cash handoffs if that’s what it takes for us to land top…Read more...
on (#5JRMZ)
The U.S. military has issued an apology after paratroopers accidentally raided a working sunflower oil factory that they mistook for part of a NATO training area during an exercise in Bulgaria last month. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JRN0)
BUFFALO—Saying she felt a bit let down by the lackluster manner in which the scenario had played out, local woman Tiffany Wakefield told reporters Monday that the sight of a man getting hit by a bus had turned out to be less funny than she would have expected based on movies she had seen. “There was no loud,…Read more...
on (#5JNY8)
AUSTIN, TX—Employing tools such as a tongue depressor, a reflex hammer, and an extended index finger, a comprehensive series of diagnostic tests conducted Friday reportedly found that a lump on local man Will Tabor’s neck was pretty fun to poke. “I was concerned at first when I saw how pronounced and irregular the…Read more...
on (#5JNVZ)
Unless you’re living in a one bedroom with nothing but a mattress, there’s always room to downsize! The Onion asked several celebrity designers to give us their best home decluttering tips, and this is what they said.Read more...
on (#5JNW0)
A Dallas high school valedictorian went off-script from her pre-approved graduation speech to protest the state’s new law banning abortions after six weeks of pregnancy and making no exceptions for rape or incest. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JNSP)
WASHINGTON—Arguing the procedure was an invaluable legislative tradition that she would be hard pressed to do away with, Sen. Krysten Sinema (D-AZ) defended the Senate filibuster Friday as necessary for her to stay politically relevant. “For years, the Senate filibuster has been a critical tool that senators like…Read more...
on (#5JNPB)
For years after its announcement, it seemed like Final Fantasy VII Remake might prove to be the ultimate in vaporware—a mirage of a game tempting JRPG fans with a promise of jumping back into Cloud, Aerith, and Barret’s boots that would never materialize. Thankfully, its release last year proved that dreams really…Read more...
on (#5JNKJ)
Late last year, Apple courted controversy in the gaming world when the company summarily booted Fortnite’s mobile version from its App Store. Since then, users of the most popular battle-royale title out there have been hoping a trial between Epic Games and Apple would settle the matter. Well, mobile fans, buckle up…Read more...
on (#5JNK5)
PROVIDENCE, RI—As congress continued their months-long negotiation over President Joe Biden’s proposed spending plan, a pundit from Politico strongly asserted Friday that “the time is running out to reach an infrastructure deal,” slamming on the gas pedal in an effort to outpace the highway crumbling behind him. “If…Read more...
on (#5JNBJ)
ALBANY, NY—Upon stepping from the dirty tile to the vinyl wood flooring, local ShopRite customer Miranda Stephens was reportedly transported Friday from her neighborhood supermarket into a bustling bazaar of epicurean delights. “Kashi cereal, Annie’s canned soups—wow, I almost can’t believe it,” said Stephens, who…Read more...
on (#5JNBK)
The blog that former President Trump launched less than a month ago after being banned from social media platforms has been permanently shuttered due to low readership. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JNBM)
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he had taken the measure to send a message that she could not stay there, L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti told reporters Friday that he was preventing his kid from lazing about by installing spikes on the family couch. “I’ve told her repeatedly that she can’t be sitting around occupying the couch…Read more...
on (#5JMJP)
PALM BEACH, FL—In the wake of numerous legal threats from the professional wrestling legend, sources confirmed Thursday that former President Trump was forced to shut down From The Desk Of Donald J. Trump—a blog he launched only last month—after publishing a sex tape of Hulk Hogan. “On the advice of counsel, we have…Read more...
on (#5JMGM)
NEW YORK—Listening enraptured as the most powerful people in the world discussed their process, the United States Congress took a field trip to Goldman Sachs headquarters Thursday to learn about how laws get made. “I’ve always wondered how the government decides who is allowed to do what, so it’s really cool to hear…Read more...
on (#5JMB8)
A Nashville hat shop garnered widespread condemnation over the sale of yellow badges shaped like the Star of David with the words “Not Vaccinated,” apologizing and removing the badges after several businesses, including Stetson, severed ties. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JM7Q)
LOS ANGELES—Responding to a wave of violence and harassment, the NBA brought in Ron Artest Thursday to act as a consultant on how players can defend themselves from fans. “It’s important that you stand up for yourselves, and hold these people accountable so they know not to make the same mistake in the future,” said…Read more...
on (#5JM49)
The last thing you want while booking your wedding is to be three months out without a caterer, dress, or venue. Learn exactly when to plan each aspect of your special day with The Onion’s wedding calendar.Read more...
on (#5JKY3)
OAK BROOK, IL—In response to the electronic bell suddenly blaring from security, local man Jordan Davis, who exited a Macy’s while the alarm sounded, reportedly made a big show of looking surprised by the noise in order to appear innocent to bystanders and employees. Several eyewitnesses confirmed Davis stopped dead…Read more...
on (#5JKV6)
The WHO has announced that they will be implementing a new system to name Covid-19 variants after letters of the Greek alphabet to avoid stigmatizing the regions in which they were first identified. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JK2K)
PARIS—Saying that her decision was made with the hope of inspiring the next generation of players, Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open Monday for opponents’ mental health. “It’s time for me to take a step back from the crushing depression this game inflicts on my opposition,” said Osaka, who hoped to inspire…Read more...
on (#5JJXY)
SANTA CLARITA, CA—Assured that she would still be able to play the game for fun, 11-year-old aspiring tennis player Leticia Roche was reportedly informed Wednesday that she did not have the press conference skills needed to go professional. “Tennis requires relentless determination and charisma behind the news…Read more...
on (#5JJXM)
Sure this was just a fun decoration that you picked up to furnish your first college apartment, but the one-of-a-kind sarcophagus is worth $3.25 million.Read more...
on (#5JJHM)
WASHINGTON—In an encouraging development for reform advocates, Senator Dianne Feinstein told reporters Wednesday she was considering eliminating the filibuster over the upcoming vote on the Smoot-Hawley Tariff. “Though I’ve opposed eliminating the filibuster in the past, I have the utmost trust in Senator Reed Smoot,…Read more...
on (#5JHCG)
Instagram has banned adults from directly messaging teenagers who don’t follow them, in addition to other safety prompts, in an effort to make the platform safer for young users. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JH9B)
WASHINGTON—According to federal officials currently monitoring the situation, the nation was rocked Tuesday by at least 40 million acts of total bullshit in what has now been confirmed as the most aggravating 24-hour span of time in U.S. history. “Today, Americans have experienced an unprecedented amount of incredibly…Read more...