GLENCOE, IL—Reminding themselves not to get complacent as they reached the culmination of their months-long project, local parents Leah and Adam Oberg told reporters Tuesday that they only had a two-week hole to fill before their children’s summer camp lineup was complete. “We mostly got Mackenzie out of the way…Read more...

RALEIGH, NC—Aquiver with anticipation as they entered their passcodes and then crossed their fingers, the nation’s populace reportedly eagerly logged online Monday to see if it had gotten any new emails, crying, “Oh boy, a new message!” upon discovery of each unread communiqué. “I sure can’t wait to get a look at…Read more...

The Supreme Court upheld Arizona’s voting restrictions, which experts say will limit the ability of minorities to challenge state laws in the future that they say are discriminatory under the Voting Rights Act. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Responding to countless fan requests for a cast reunion, iHeartMedia announced the launch of a new podcast Monday in which actors from The Office will get together and urge fans to try watching something new. “Every week, your favorite actor from Dunder Mifflin will lead you on a deep dive into the…Read more...

Gamers, if you’re like us, you’re always looking for tasty refreshments to help you power through those late-night, epic gaming sessions. And, it just so happens that yesterday we came across something with the potential to be our new go-to for gamer fuel. It’s affordable, has a nice bit of caffeine in it, and also…Read more...

SEATTLE—Taking comfort in the fact that she had a fallback plan, area woman Gwen Ponte reminded herself Monday that if her job search failed, she could always find work as the sole protector of someone else’s children. “I’d love to find an office job, but if I can’t land anything, at least I can always scrape by as…Read more...

This Fourth of July marks the 245th year of our independence as a nation. How are you celebrating?Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Expressing frustration at their pet’s continual barking and whimpering, sources within the Smyth family confirmed Sunday that their dog Jasper had gotten completely freaked out by the Independence Day fireworks getting shot directly at his face. “Poor little guy is so skittish, he can’t even handle it when…Read more...

WILSON, WY—Following news that the military withdrawal had ramped up after U.S. troops pulled out of Bagram Airfield, former Vice President Dick Cheney was overheard Friday muttering “Someone’s gotta occupy Afghanistan” as he shoved a cache of firearms into a suitcase. “It’s a dirty job, keeping those terrorists in…Read more...

Bill Cosby’s sexual assault conviction has been overturned, freeing him from prison after Pennsylvania courts found a technicality preventing him from being charged in the case. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—In response to mounting pressure to pay student-athletes, the NCAA announced plans Thursday to allow players to earn money from the name, image, and likeness of veteran basketball commentator Dick Vitale. “While we have long held it would be antithetical to the spirit of college sports to permit these…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Struggling to stay on their feet as they stood outside their assigned polling place, the nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly waited in line for hours Thursday before they were able to cast their votes to uphold voting restrictions enacted by the Arizona legislature. “God, I thought it would be…Read more...

Hot on the heels of the announcement that the next Grand Theft Auto is due out in 2025, it’s time to dive into some of the most tantalizing rumors surrounding what’s sure to be one of the defining games of the next generation. Here are 108 details about Grand Theft Auto VI that we’re throwing out because you never…Read more...

PORTLAND, ME—Mere moments after arriving late to a dinner with friends at Daniel’s Restaurant and Pub, 33-year-old software engineer Gregory Lasman found himself banished to the furthest reaches of the table, sources confirmed Friday. Eyewitness accounts revealed that for the offense of arriving 12 minutes after the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling it one of the world’s largest living organisms, biologists from Georgetown University discovered Thursday that the roots of the Washington Monument have spread over 400 feet underground. “It appears that since first being planted, the root structure of the Monument has grown far beyond its original…Read more...

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A recent study found more than half of U.S. cosmetics contain “forever chemicals,” toxic industrial compounds called PFAS, that are linked to cancer and reduced birth weight, with the highest levels found in waterproof mascara and long-lasting lipstick. What do you think?Read more...

That’s French they’re speaking, you uncultured hog.Read more...

GURNEE, IL—Confronted with indisputable evidence that his activity was being documented, local man Ron Peterson was reportedly horrified Wednesday when he discovered he had been spied on by Six Flags Great America, which took photos of him on a roller coaster without his knowledge. “Dear God, when did they—how did…Read more...

George Clooney, along with other Hollywood A-listers, is launching a new Los Angeles magnet school to train teenagers from marginalized communities in cinematography and other technical film jobs as part of an effort to diversify the industry. What do you think?Read more...

Scientists in China say they have discovered a fossil from a previously unknown species of human, nicknamed “Dragon Man”, that dates back more than 140,000 years and could be more closely related to Homo sapiens than Neanderthals. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, a record 95% of Americans now approve of Kim Jong-un after seeing photos that reveal the North Korean leader sporting a much trimmer figure following a month of intensive weight loss. “Among U.S. citizens, Kim is receiving high positive…Read more...

NEW YORK—Declaring that the only way to prevent a similar tragedy in the future was to learn from the experience, the nation reportedly resolved Tuesday not to forget the lessons of Corpid-19. “If we don’t stop to reflect, to really reflect, on what we’ve all been through as a country, we’re never going to prevent the…Read more...

SEATTLE—As temperatures top 100 degrees, the National Weather Service warned Tuesday that the record-breaking heat wave currently plaguing the Pacific Northwest could cause an unprecedented surge in shirtless Italian grandpas appearing outdoors with wet washcloths on their heads. “With excessive heat gripping…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—In an evaluation of tactics American workers use to hold on to their jobs, a study published Tuesday by researchers at San Diego State University found that the most effective method of surviving layoffs remains playing dead the moment one spots a human resources manager rounding a corner in the office.…Read more...

All of Kim’s sisters are actually portrayed by noted character actor Stephen Tobolowsky.Read more...

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The Manhattan district attorney’s office has informed former President Donald Trump’s lawyers that it is considering criminal charges against his family business in connection with fringe benefits the company awarded a top executive. What do you think?Read more...

A fan attempting to get the sign she was holding on camera stepped onto the Tour de France track, hitting a cyclist and causing a major crash that took out nearly an entire peloton of riders during the first stage of the three-week-long race. What do you think?Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Launching the next phase in an ongoing overhaul of its troubled brand, Victoria’s Secret unveiled a new advertising campaign Monday that features its apparel worn by real women caught on fitting room security cameras. “We want customers to realize our lingerie isn’t just for rail-thin supermodels who get…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Calling into question the U.S. populace’s physical and mental capacity, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Brenda Penny ruled Friday that the entire nation would be placed under Jamie Spears’ conservatorship for their own well-being. “It is with the best interest of the nation in mind that I appoint Mr.…Read more...

CUDDEBACKVILLE, NY—Raising speculation as to whether the team was age-eligible for the game, incredulous little league sources confirmed Friday that Westchester Tigers players had their last names on the back of their jerseys. “These kids must be loaded,” said first-baseman Eric “Big Choo” Sanders, noting the opposing…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shaking his head and sighing while poking around various rotting, dilapidated sections of the 3.8-million-square-mile country, local contractor Randy Alonzo looked President Joe Biden in the eye Friday and told him that it would be cheaper just to tear down the United States and start over. “Yeah, no, I’ll…Read more...

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An Indian man believed to have headed the “world’s largest family” while leading a Christian sect that allowed polygamy for men in the northeastern state of Mizoram, has died, leaving behind 39 wives and 98 children. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Honoring the most dedicated part of their fan base with the summer volunteer program, the Chicago Cubs launched a new charitable initiative Thursday to give back to overserved communities. “This is a group of people who don’t always have the best lives, but to do even a little to help these absolutely…Read more...

NEW YORK—Estimating the process could take weeks, New York City election officials confirmed Wednesday that results for the mayoral primary would be delayed until they finished watching a YouTube explainer on ranked choice voting. “While we’re pretty sure who’s leading, we still need to watch a few more videos to help…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Shaking their heads while recalling the days when they were just starting out, the members of local band Andy World Warhol remembered back when they used to play shows for 10 people instead of four people, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Yeah, man, we’d be there in this huge bar playing in front of, like, 10…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Claiming the Australian-born player as one of their own after a five-point performance in an elimination game Sunday, Sixers fans praised Ben Simmons for embodying the Philadelphia spirit of half-assing his job. “Failing to live up to your potential is what makes us Philadelphians,” said Tony O’Connor,…Read more...

The Supreme Court has decided unanimously against the NCAA limiting compensation to student athletes, ruling it a violation of antitrust laws and allowing schools to offer athletes unlimited compensation as long as it’s connected to education. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Smiling broadly as he entered the polling place, mayoral candidate Andrew Yang tried to buy a banana from a voting booth, election workers confirmed Tuesday. “I’ll have a banana and a coffee, then I’ll get out of your hair—you’re not cash only, are you?” said Yang, who muttered “only in New York” as he…Read more...

DALLAS, TX—Gathering his wife and children close to him as he shared the tragic news, area conservative Dan Gainey, 66, informed his family Tuesday that Critical Race Theory had spread to his liver. “There’s no easy way to say this, but I just got the diagnosis that I have Critical Race Theory, and soon my body will…Read more...

ROCKFORD, IL—Recommending that you watch out, watch out, pickup basketball sources confirmed Monday that a screening defender was fast approaching on your right side. “Pick coming right, pick coming right—no, screen left!” said sources, stressing that you were “by yourself” at the top of the key and needed to make a…Read more...

BRISTOL, CT—Seeking to bolster its baseball coverage and expand their reach to his 187 followers, ESPN announced Tuesday the hiring of a guy who follows Jayson Stark on Twitter as its new MLB analyst. “We’re thrilled to welcome Frank Campagna to ESPN and look forward to him bringing his nonstop Jayson Stark…Read more...

While it may not be obvious at first, the mindless service drones who bring you food at restaurants actually have thoughts and feelings. Here are the most annoying things customers do that waiters hate the most.

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo removed two bottles of Coca-Cola from a table and opted for water during a Euro 2020 press conference, causing the market value of Coca-Cola to drop by $5 billion in less than a week. What do you think?Read more...

A lobster diver in Cape Cod was nearly swallowed by a humpback whale after being scooped up in its mouth, where he says he was trapped for 30 seconds before being spat back out, suffering minor injuries. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Buoyed by their success in restricting female reproductive rights, the GOP reportedly launched a new legislative effort Monday to control women’s pancreases. “Every day, women are using pancreatic enzymes to break down food without any consideration for the sanctity of these innocent carbohydrates,…Read more...