WASHINGTON—Acting in his unofficial role as “consoler-in-chief,” President Joe Biden took some time Friday to comfort the families of those lost in yesterday’s airstrike with an eloquent speech on the challenges of living with heartbreaking loss. “Take it from me, folks, I know just how difficult it is to have those…Read more...

President Biden on Tuesday announced he will sign an executive order calling for a sweeping review of American supply chain infrastructure amid what many say is a growing crisis. The Onion looks at the goals of the Biden administration reviewing U.S. supply chains.

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to streamline the state’s electoral process, Florida Republicans introduced a new bill to the legislature Thursday that would establish ballotless voting in disenfranchised communities. “We’ve eliminated the complex and insecure process of casting a ballot so that voters from underserved…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Alleging that residents of his home state were just looking for a handout, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) claimed Wednesday that West Virginians were too deficient in character and grit to deserve a $15 minimum wage. “Frankly, Mountain Staters have never shown the work ethic or drive necessary to merit $15 an…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Refusing to back down from the line of questioning in hopes of getting a detailed answer, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell repeatedly pressed attorney general nominee Merrick Garland Tuesday about his legal philosophy when it came to the issue of seething personal vengeance. “Now, Judge Garland, how…Read more...

PALM BEACH, FL—Seething over the fact he was no longer in the Oval Office as pandemic casualties reached a new milestone, former President Trump expressed worry Monday that President Biden would take credit for the 500,000 Covid deaths the Trump administration had made possible. “No other president could have pushed…Read more...

NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Avoiding eye contact as he glanced around with clear discomfort, a hoodie- and sunglasses-wearing Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) slammed his fist on a counter and told a Nassau Airport clerk to just shut up and get him on the first flight out of the Bahamas, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, just give me a…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Appearing to lose patience as the defense presented its arguments in President Trump’s impeachment trial Friday, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was repeatedly overheard hissing directions at lawyers as they messed up the speeches he spent hours rehearsing with them the night before. “Come on now, big smile,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Squeezing his eyes shut in response to the harrowing Capitol riot footage, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was reportedly deeply disturbed Thursday by the part of the video where Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer was not beaten to death. “Oh God, no, he’s going to escape—I can’t look!” said Cruz, who was beyond…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Cheering as the small, brown chihuahua triumphantly jumped through hoops placed throughout the Capitol chamber, senators were reportedly overjoyed Thursday when traveling act “The Amazing Nacho & Friends” performed acrobatics stunts during the impeachment intermission. The show, which took place after…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the proceedings violated clear principles handed down by the Founding Fathers, GOP senators took to the chamber floor in the lead-up to former President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial to argue that it is unconstitutional to be forced to work on a Tuesday. “We would urge our esteemed…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling on the U.S. House of Representatives not to do something it might regret, political pundits from several major news outlets warned Thursday that removing Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) from her committee assignments would only leave her with more time on her hands. “If she has a lot of free…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to provide the State Department with the funding and resources it required to pursue his administration’s goals, President Joe Biden announced “I want to go see those mountains where it looks like Avatar” in a speech Thursday outlining his foreign policy agenda. “The foundational principles of the…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Unable to maintain his composure in light of such a tragic situation, Todd Michaels, a lobbyist for Kaiser Permanente, reportedly teared up Tuesday after realizing that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) no longer recognized his face. “Barely a week has gone by for the last 10 years when we haven’t discussed…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that someone “may be after her” and that she needed to move fast, a paranoid Janet Yellen reportedly hid the entire U.S. money supply Monday in the Treasury Department’s drop ceiling. Yellen, who had recently been sworn in as Treasury secretary, was last seen sprinting down the hallway to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to assess the problem from the ground up, transportation secretary nominee Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday he was learning about the challenges facing the nation’s outdated rail infrastructure by living as a train for a week. “ I’ve spent seven days as a cross-country passenger train,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming the monument’s resonance endured a century after its construction, a new report released Monday found that the Lincoln Memorial remained the most powerful testament to the nation’s passion for sitting down. “The Lincoln Memorial stands as a noble and powerful reminder that regardless of color,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Carrying on breathlessly with no sign of soon stopping, President Joe Biden’s inaugural address spilled over into the second day Thursday as he continued to list the greatest issues facing the nation. “Child poverty, crumbling infrastructure, cyber warfare, wildfires, opioids, domestic violence, hunger, and…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—When the life of the newly inaugurated 78-year-old president was threatened Wednesday, Secret Service agent Marshall Cole did not hesitate to dive heroically in front of the strong breeze that could have felled Joe Biden, according to reports from the scene. “I wouldn’t have accepted this detail with the…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Moments after the five-piece band capped off a hard bop-inflected rendition of “Hail To The Chief,” the inauguration crowd reportedly politely cheered along Wednesday as Sen. Pat Toomey’s jazz combo played the opening set before the swearing-in of Joe Biden. “Yeah, Toomey’s band definitely isn’t as tight as…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Letting out a loud, slobbery bark as onlookers gasped in horror, a stray Doberman pinscher who put his paw on the inaugural Bible was accidentally sworn in as president of the United States, government officials confirmed Wednesday. The 98-pound short-haired canine, who bounded up the stage and sprinted…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning the crew to be very careful while transporting his valuables outside the White House, Donald Trump reportedly directed movers Wednesday to load a bubble-wrapped Melania into a storage pod. “All right, everything here that I’ve marked with a Sharpie comes with me, and everything else, including the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Unable to pinpoint the exact time the new administration takes over, the United States reportedly entered a constitutional crisis Wednesday after officials forgot whether the transfer of presidential power happens at 12:00 a.m. or 12:00 p.m. “Shit, shit, shit, do we have Biden take over at midnight or does…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Feeling agitated and desperate with less than 24 hours on the clock, President Donald Trump was reportedly panicking Tuesday after realizing his fingerprints were all over the White House. “Oh God, I touched everything—there’s no way we have time to get this whole place cleaned,” said Trump, who emptied a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following her brief suspension from the social media platform, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) continued to livetweet House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s location Friday, posting “She’s now eating a muffin in the commissary.” “The Speaker has discarded the baking cup and is now pouring herself a cup of coffee—no,…Read more...

MALIBU, CA—Rushing to his home after hearing news of the conservative mega-donor’s passing, hundreds of GOP legislators reportedly crowded into a sitting room Tuesday for the reading of Sheldon Adelson’s will. “I was really distraught to hear about Mr. Adelson’s passing, but I also wonder what he’ll have left to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Insisting the billionaire’s demise would have a chilling effect on democracy, conservatives accused nature Tuesday of silencing right-wing voices after GOP mega-donor Sheldon Adelson died at 87. “It’s disgusting and frankly un-American that nature decided it had the right to unilaterally end Sheldon…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns that the country’s emotional state might be incapable of handling the news right now, reluctant Democrats in Washington confirmed Tuesday that they are holding off on revealing that President-Elect Joe Biden died from a heart attack six days ago. “It’s obviously very sad, but it just…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Returning to the legislative chamber mere days after violently forcing his way inside with thousands of fellow insurrectionists, 37-year-old Trump rioter Joshua McSherry reportedly knocked on the Senate door Monday to ask about retrieving the set of car keys he had left behind while storming the U.S.…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to calls for urgent action against the president following the storming of the Capitol by an angry mob, scrambling congressional Democrats announced Friday that they were prepared to start impeachment hearings by April. “American democracy is at stake, which is why we’ve convened an…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Describing the move as a grave political misstep that would damage the party’s brand for generations to come, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) berated progressive Democrats Monday for electing such a dangerously polarizing house speaker. “While I commend the speaker for her narrow victory, I cannot ignore the…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he could no longer balance the duties of both roles simultaneously, William Barr announced plans Tuesday to step down as attorney general to pursue his true passion full-time as the “K-Street Strangler.” “Today, I would like to inform you that I will be departing my post on December 23rd in…Read more...

Thank you for bravely standing up to the American voters.Read more...

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Casting an eye towards the next presidential election, Republican party leaders had reportedly begun a search Tuesday for a new prissy little shithead who would be able to compete against Trump in 2024. “We’ve obviously had a wonderful relationship with President Trump, but we feel our interests may best be…Read more...

LANSING, MI—In an effort to take decisive action against the rapid spread of the coronavirus, governors across the country called on Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer this week to shut down their states this week so their residents won’t get mad at them. “It is long overdue that we buckle down and urge Gretchen to…Read more...

On January 20, 2021, Donald Trump will leave office at the end of his presidential term, coup permitting. Here’s what President Trump hopes to accomplish over his final two months in office.

WASHINGTON—Confirming the vice president was already “testing the waters,” Beltway insiders reported Friday that Mike Pence had created an exploratory committee to find another candidate more charismatic than himself whom he could serve as running mate in 2024. “Mike Pence hopes to win office in four years by joining…Read more...