WASHINGTON—Calling them “the perfect keepsake” to remember the agency, the official Trump online campaign store began selling decommissioned USPS mailboxes Friday so fans could own a piece of history. “For the low price of $500, a piece of this beloved former institution can be all yours,” read the description for the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Appearing to relish the wounded look on his chief of staff’s face, President Donald Trump reportedly added another sensational nickname for Democratic vice-presidential pick Kamala Harris to his list Wednesday after the devastating sobriquet succeeded in making Mark Meadows cry. “That’s it, that’s the one,”…Read more...

Senator Kamala Harris was announced Tuesday as Joe Biden’s vice presidential pick for the 2020 Democratic Party ticket. The Onion takes a look at Harris’ background, political history, and what she brings to the 2020 election.

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that this was only the first step of many designed to destroy freedom and turn the nation into an extremist nightmare, conservative pundits warned Wednesday that known radical Kamala Harris would soon impose her Christian beliefs on the American populace. “Say goodbye to America as we know it,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Filling in the new vice-presidential pick on all of the arrangements that will need to be made ahead of the ceremony, the Joe Biden presidential campaign reportedly got Kamala Harris quickly up to speed Wednesday on the candidate’s plans for his presidential funeral service. “So, I want to do a viewing in…Read more...

RALEIGH, NC—Acknowledging his blind spots in regard to the upcoming presidential election, local undecided voter Kenneth McGraw announced Monday that he was looking forward to learning more about Republican candidate Donald Trump over the course of his campaign. “I’ve definitely heard of Donald Trump, but I haven’t…Read more...

As the 2020 presidential race heats up, attention has turned to presidential polling and the wisdom of relying on an industry that generally predicted the wrong outcome in 2016. The Onion takes a look at the history of presidential polling.Read more...

WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles, a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society. “I hear these words…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of taking concrete steps to address systemic racism and police brutality in the United States, Congress reportedly announced Monday their willingness to offer Black Lives Matter protesters a holiday or statue. “We have seen people around this nation calling for dramatic change,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Democratic leaders announced Wednesday that they have learned the words “systemic racism” and that they were very excited to have done so. “We have been informed of the phrase ‘systemic racism,’ and, beyond that, we plan to use it in several sentences,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer in an impromptu…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following reports that Donald Trump sprayed tear gas at protestors and members of the clergy before a photo-op at St. John’s Church, a panicked aide to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reportedly picked up the phone Tuesday and yelled “she needs a Bible now, fuckwad—yes, it’s for an epic clapback.” “Look,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a letter to top donors explaining how their contributions would now be spent more efficiently than ever, the Democratic National Committee announced plans Tuesday to streamline its fundraising by completely eliminating the unnecessary costs of campaigns and candidates. “We’re confident that once our…Read more...

Long-term social isolation plans due to the coronavirus pandemic have shined the spotlight on voting by mail for the remaining primaries and even the November elections, a process that is already used in some states but has its share of critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of voting by mail.Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying it was definitely something they were looking into, officials with Joe Biden’s presidential campaign confirmed to reporters Wednesday they were actively exploring the possibility of using the internet to attract voters. “We may use it, we may not, but yes, it is one of the outreach tools on our…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Encouraging lawmakers to avoid holding themselves to the impossible standard of protecting Americans, Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) assured Democratic House representatives Wednesday they don’t need to try being productive during the stressful pandemic. “These uncertain times are difficult for everyone, so…Read more...

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LONDON—Calling the procedure “a fast, er, effective way” to treat symptoms of the Covid-19 virus, doctors at St. Thomas’ Hospital reportedly told British prime minister Boris Johnson that the haircut he’d received on Friday “was for, uh, medical reasons.” “Well, you see Prime Minister, because of your severe…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Begging her constituents to keep her family in their thoughts in the coming days, Sen. Kelly Loeffler (R-GA) asked for Americans to send her prayers in an emotional press conference Tuesday in which she announced that she had lost as much as $3 on a single stock due to the coronavirus. “I am asking for all…Read more...

ATLANTA—With public health experts decrying his decision last week to reopen the state’s beaches, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp argued Monday that any government action limiting fun in the sun would constitute an infringement upon every citizen’s fundamental right to get wet ’n’ wild. “Our forefathers fought and died to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to attract better offers from governors forced into bidding wars over life-saving equipment, President Donald Trump admitted 18 new states Monday to increase competition for medical supplies. “The free market works best with some healthy competition, so by increasing the number of U.S. states…Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a bold affirmation of faith during a time of widespread global pandemic, the governors of several Southern states confirmed Thursday they have exempted religious services from their shelter-in-place orders, arguing that Covid-19 is a good Christian virus that wouldn’t dare to spread during church.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference to address the growing Covid-19 pandemic, White House senior advisor Jared Kushner admonished resource-stricken states this week that they should have shown some foresight and planned ahead before joining the Union. “To any governors coming to me and saying the White House…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic. “Today, the heroic crews at ExxonMobil…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them…Read more...

After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus, the largest such aid package in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at what’s in the stimulus bill.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place $1,200 into trust funds for each individual American until they have proved they’re actually responsible enough to handle it. “We’ve given this a lot of…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy. “We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling for an end to precautions such as social distancing and shelter-in-place mandates, President Donald Trump urged the loosening of CDC restrictions Tuesday to let Covid-19 get to work. “The economy is hurting—we must send the coronavirus back into our office buildings, schools, and factories,” said…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined numerous GOP leaders Monday in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy go. “We can’t allow this virus to completely upend…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday when profiting off mass suffering had suddenly become a crime in this country. “Jesus Christ, when did everyone get so uptight about this? I remember when we used to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Striking an optimistic note in his daily press briefing about the global pandemic, President Donald Trump spoke to reporters Thursday, detailing his administration’s best case scenario projections for coronavirus where eight million Iranian people are killed. “If we’re very lucky, we could be looking at…Read more...

WASHINGTON—With markets plummeting and many workers losing jobs as the coronavirus pandemic wreaks havoc on businesses, President Donald Trump announced Thursday a plan to stimulate the economy by sending a rare autographed 8-by-10-inch glossy photograph of himself to every U.S. resident. “We know people are hurting…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Celebrating his own ingenuity in the face of the Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump’s senior advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner triumphantly announced his new plan Thursday to move the Centers for Disease Control headquarters to Jerusalem. “The dire situation with the coronavirus demands bold…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As his administration makes plans to combat the economic damage caused by the coronavirus with direct payments to Americans, President Donald Trump reportedly conferred with aides behind closed doors Wednesday to confirm he would be among those citizens receiving a pair of $1,000 checks. “Hey, I’m also…Read more...

NEW HAVEN, CT—Speaking out against proposals to provide federal assistance to Americans hardest hit by the pandemic-fueled economic downturn, local conservative Mark Garrett expressed worry Wednesday that relief checks would discourage citizens from learning to provide for themselves by killing him and taking his…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In order to alleviate the heavy damage the crucial financial sector is facing in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, the United States Congress announced Tuesday that they would be allocating $2 trillion in order to bail out the struggling bailout industry. “The bailout industry is on the brink of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a bid to secure support for his nomination as the Democratic Party’s candidate for president, Joe Biden reportedly pledged Sunday to select a woman as vice president since the position doesn’t entail much anyway. “I promise that my vice president will be a woman, since pretty much anyone can do this job,…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Amid widespread criticism of the key role he has played in President Trump’s Covid-19 response, a frustrated Jared Kushner confirmed Friday he was struggling to understand why everyone in the media was attacking his qualifications as if they didn’t also get their jobs through pure nepotism. “I don’t get why…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an official White House press release as the administration’s leading advisor on the viral pandemic, Jared Kushner announced Friday that doctors HATE him after he discovered one weird trick that will CURE coronavirus. “Doctors DON’T want you to know this, but you can DESTROY coronavirus FROM HOME in…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying he was on top of the situation and the disease would not be spreading any further, President Donald Trump assured the nation Friday that he had called 911 to report the coronavirus pandemic and that help was on its way. “I just got off the phone with 911, they are aware of the situation, and we’ll…Read more...

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