WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the former president’s relationship with the Supreme Court justice, an insider report released Tuesday revealed that Barack Obama repeatedly tried persuading Ruth Bader Ginsburg to die during his presidency. “The former president was frank with Justice Ginsburg about the potential…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice, the nation’s bland, ineffectual white supremacists confirmed Friday they were just waiting for the signal from Vice President Mike Pence. “Just give us the word, and we’ll shake our heads while murmuring, ‘This country isn’t what it used to be,’” said…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying she barely had time to catch her breath after traveling around Washington for almost 10 hours straight, White House senior counselor Hope Hicks confided to reporters Friday that she was exhausted after another day packed full of meetings. “There was the regular White House briefings where all the…Read more...

The first debate of the presidential election between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden was held in Cleveland, Ohio, on Tuesday night. The Onion looks at the highlights from the debate.

WASHINGTON—Mere hours after the closure of the first 2020 presidential debate, an Onion-Zweibel Poll released Wednesday found that the vast majority of viewers agree America was a complete waste of time. “In the wake of the contentious clash between former Vice President Biden and President Donald Trump, we’re seeing…Read more...

With the election around the corner, Democratic Party candidate Joe Biden is fine-tuning his campaign to unseat incumbent President Donald Trump, his Republican Party opponent. The Onion looks at key factors that could help Biden defeat Trump and win the presidency.

CLEVELAND—Letting out a forced gasp at the phony mugging, President Donald Trump stoked fears surrounding crime Tuesday by having Secretary of State Mike Pompeo disguise himself as a cat burglar and rob him on the debate stage. “Oh no, look, it’s a violent Antifa thug sent here by Joe Biden to rob me!” said Trump,…Read more...

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The duty of a free press has always been to provide readers with a comprehensive and unvarnished picture of the world writ large. Though governments and their officials may strive to conceal vital documents from the public eye, The Onion insists that true journalism consists in shedding light upon even the darkest…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Accusing their Democratic opponents of using coded language to stir up prejudice among the electorate, Republicans argued Monday that references to Amy Coney Barrett as “Trump’s court pick” carried deeply anti-Catholic undertones. “To attack Judge Barrett’s faith by calling her ‘President Trump’s nominee…Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—In an effort to improve outreach ahead of the upcoming presidential election, the Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that it was removing “defeating Trump” from its platform to avoid alienating swing voters. “This election is a time when we all need to come together, not cause divisiveness by focusing…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Questioning the former vice president’s preparedness for the nation’s highest office, CNN reporter Jim Acosta pressed presidential candidate Joe Biden Friday on his lack of a plan to trigger widespread violence across the U.S. “Sir, we are weeks away from the election and yet you still haven’t offered your…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost campaign contributions before election day, Tom Perez warned Friday that he will detonate his explosive vest at midnight unless Democrats meet their fundraising goal. “As the election quickly approaches, we urge our supporters to please act quickly to ensure that I don’t blow myself up…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the party’s rhetoric around the upcoming election was way out of line, Fox News pundits slammed Democrats Friday for repeatedly attempting to undermine confidence in the nation’s autocratic system. “Anyone questioning what President Trump will do on election night or afterwards is…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Frantically scouring textbooks to find sections in need of revision, members of President Donald Trump’s new patriotic 1776 Commission struggled Wednesday to find ways to improve upon the education system’s existing propaganda. “We cut out every mention of Native Americans, but I’m not sure how else we…Read more...

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BEIJING—In an effort to crack down on overly harsh dissent, President Xi Jinping jailed Chinese real estate tycoon Ren Zhiqiang Tuesday for failing to use the sandwich method of constructive criticism when condemning him. “He should have started with something nice, slipped in some feedback on my coronavirus response,…Read more...

NEW YORK—As the Democratic presidential nominee ramped up his in-person efforts to get out the vote, members of the Joe Biden campaign reportedly went door-to-door Tuesday in the JPMorgan Chase headquarters. “Door-knocking is a core part of talking to supporters and getting our message out there, which is why we’re…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing outrage that the network’s moderators would stoop so low on a nationally televised town hall, Fox News pundits slammed CNN Friday for providing Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden each question seconds before he answered it. “Biden’s responses to CNN’s questions clearly show that he’d…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters the organization would help combat decades of left-wing indoctrination about the country’s founding, Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday establishing the “1946 Commission,” a project dedicated to teaching students that America started at the president’s birth. “For too long,…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after mail-in ballots caught in a gust of wind. “With 30% of the U.S.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to criticism for withholding “bombshell” audio of the president, veteran Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward defended his actions Friday by noting journalism has had no effect on Donald Trump so far. “In my defense, I only kept this damning interview with the president from the American…Read more...

BERLIN—Upon waking up from a medically induced coma, Russian opposition leader Aleksei Navalny vowed that he would never again patronize the Tomsk Airport café after getting nerve agent poisoning there, sources close to the vocal Putin critic confirmed Wednesday. “The last time I went there, I got so sick I honestly…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning of a possible worst-case scenario, strategists at the Democratic National Committee expressed concern Tuesday that warm, cozy beds on a brisk November morning could keep voters from going to the polls on election day. “We fear that chilly fall temperatures that make you want to snuggle up in a…Read more...

The number of long-serving, elderly members of Congress has continued debate over whether limiting how many terms they can serve would be beneficial, with detractors saying term limits could have negative consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of congressional term limits.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve upon the party’s two-point margin of victory in the 2016 presidential election, the Democratic National Committee confirmed Monday it hoped to notch an even more decisive win of the popular vote this year by devoting all its resources to New York and California. “While our last…Read more...

The 2020 Republican National Convention concluded Thursday evening after four days of video speeches and in-person events with President Donald Trump’s renomination. The Onion looks at the most significant moments from the 2020 Republican National Convention.

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WASHINGTON—In an attempt to reach a voter bloc they hoped would be responsive to the party’s message, Democratic leaders employed broad hand gestures and loudly intoned the words “Friend, you understand friend?” during a focus group with working-class Americans, sources confirmed Thursday. “Voooooote…V-V-V-Voooote…Can…Read more...

NEW YORK—Acknowledging that it delivered a message that would likely stick with viewers for a long time, political commentators Wednesday sung the praises of the Healthy Choice commercial that played between RNC broadcasts last night for making a powerful, stirring case for reduced-calorie dinners. “This was a…Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Short on time and bereft of any better options, organizers of the Republican National Convention were reportedly forced to pad out the final nights of the event with illegitimate Trump children, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’re proud to announce over a dozen new surprise speakers will be joining our…Read more...

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Rocking from one foot to another while fanning his fingers in anxiety, Eric Trump was overheard saying “Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez” Tuesday after accidentally bringing all of his father’s sexual assault victims to the Republican National Convention. “Shoot, shoot, shoot, I remembered we did something like…Read more...

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Admitting that the terrifying details would likely give them nightmares for weeks, Republican National Convention viewers told reporters Tuesday they were chilled by Senator Tim Scott’s ominous story of a black man who rose to a position of power. “Oh my God, just thinking about someone like him…Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Applauding the soon-to-be bereaved widows and orphans for their profound sacrifices, the Republican National Convention kicked off Monday evening with a tribute from family members of Americans who will die if Donald Trump wins a second term. “Above all else, we wanted to use the convention to honor…Read more...

The 2020 Democratic National Convention concluded Thursday evening after four days of video speeches with the nomination of Joe Biden for president. The Onion looks at the most significant moments from the 2020 Democratic National Convention.

WASHINGTON—Demanding to know why the receptacles showed such political bias, congressional Republicans reportedly grilled Postmaster General Louis DeJoy Friday over mailboxes censoring conservatives. “Sir, how can you sit there when we believe that mailboxes are out there purposely suppressing conservative letters…Read more...

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MILWAUKEE—In fulfillment of a promise made to local officials, the avatar of party chair Tom Perez called Milwaukee “a great city on a great lake” and ate a digital bratwurst Thursday while leading a virtual tour of the Democratic National Convention’s host city. “I’ve been working hard to elect Democrats in 2020, but…Read more...

FAIR OAKS, CA—Admitting they didn’t understand what on earth was behind the decision, several Democratic National Convention speakers told reporters Thursday that they couldn’t believe party leadership was giving a prime-time slot to Joe fucking Biden. “We’ve got this stacked lineup—Michelle and Barack Obama,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Licking a lollipop while smiling coyly at the camera, former president Bill Clinton used his Democratic National Convention speaking slot Tuesday to exhort viewers to donate for access to his full, uncut speech. “Our nation stands on a precipice, and we need to take this moment to thank DemLover420 for…Read more...

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ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—In a bipartisan effort to console constituents after it failed to pass a new stimulus package, the U.S. Congress announced Monday it had sent more than 40 million boxes of saltwater taffy from the island of St. Thomas to those Americans at risk of eviction without an extension of…Read more...