WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his…Read more...

BURNSVILLE, NC—As they adjusted to the dramatic shift in messaging, followers of right-wing conspiracy group QAnon were reportedly frustrated Friday after their anonymous leader, known only as “Q,” called for them to respect the election results and unite behind president-elect Joe Biden.

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WASHINGTON—Bucking centuries of precedent with a decision not to participate in the peaceful transfer of his authority, Donald Trump Jr. has refused to step down from his post as the president’s oldest son, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I, Don Trump Jr.—or, I should now say, Don Biden Jr.—will continue to fulfill my…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following news that the Democratic nominee had officially cleared 270 electoral votes, The Lincoln Project super PAC immediately released a series of ads Friday calling for Joe Biden to be impeached. “It’s time for America to heal, and we can’t do it with this maniac in office,” said the commercial’s…Read more...

CHICAGO—Seconds after the room had erupted into cheers, applause, and a few big sighs of relief, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local group of friend’s jubilant reaction to Donald Trump’s defeat had soured quickly upon the announcement of Joe Biden’s victory. “One moment we’re celebrating our nation’s repudiation of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pacing slowly back and forth as he delivered his words, President Donald Trump reportedly told a room full of his supporters, “You have disappointed me” Wednesday while strapping on a gas mask. “The only thing I ever asked of you was your support, and indeed you’ve failed me at that,” said Trump, securing…Read more...

While polling has been a staple of presidential races for decades, high-profile polling errors in the last two presidential races have left some questioning their effectiveness. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of political polling.

FRANKFORT, KY—In an effort to ensure every last cent of the raised $84 million was put to good use, defeated Democratic Senate candidate Amy McGrath reportedly blew her remaining campaign funds Wednesday on a lavish concession bonanza. “We may not have beat Mitch McConnell last night, but this grassroots movement…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Describing the previous night’s results as a shocking transformation in their understanding of the electorate, political analysts told reporters Wednesday night that the 2020 election represented a fundamental realignment in which voting demographics should be demonized. “Frankly, these results reveal…Read more...

The 2020 race is shaping up to be a controversial election, including President Trump’s campaign demanding a recount in Wisconsin, but it’s hardly the first time in U.S. history that an election’s outcome was contested. The Onion looks back at a history of contested elections in the U.S.Read more...

NEW YORK—Unrolling yet another bolt of quilter’s weight cotton as vote tallies poured in from across the country, CNN seamstresses reportedly worked frantically Tuesday night to update county-by-county results on the network’s massive electoral map quilt. “Dammit, we’ve got an upset in the Adirondacks and only 25…Read more...

WASHINGTON—With almost all respondents claiming there is no agony greater than anticipation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that 94% of the nation would rather live in an authoritarian dictatorship than wait 10 more minutes for election results. “I would much prefer to be subjected to the cruel whims of an…Read more...

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ERIE, PA—Waiting on tenterhooks on the eve of the election, local woman Elise Stalter expressed her hope Monday that she had done enough worrying to help the Biden presidential campaign. “I’ve been panicking pretty much every day for the last few months, but now that there’s only one day left, I wonder if I could have…Read more...

Trump: Wait, didn’t you hear? The vaccine came out and everyone got cured months ago.

The Onion provides voters in each state with the facts they need to make an informed decision and several dozen completely uninformed decisions at the ballot box.Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were under a tight deadline, Senate Republicans told reporters Monday they were rushing to confirm six more Supreme Court justices before the election. “We’ve been moving so fast with the Amy Coney Barrett confirmation because there are six more sets of hearings and votes we want to…Read more...

ATLANTA—Expressing their revulsion at the extent of the infestation, frustrated Habitat for Humanity workers were forced to shoo Jimmy Carter out of yet another house, sources confirmed Monday “Oh God, it looks like he made himself a nest in the attic, which means he’s probably been up here for weeks,” said volunteer…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Blaming the chronic lack of resources for hampering his ability to run the agency the way he wanted, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert Wilkie told reporters Monday that he was struggling to profit off of his underfunded department. “When I took this job, I really didn’t expect that there would be so…Read more...

President Trump’s sinking poll numbers have led to reports that some Republican leaders are trying to distance themselves from him, while others are being even more vocal in their support to appeal to his dedicated fanbase. The Onion evaluates the reasons why Republicans might decide whether to distance themselves…Read more...

NEW YORK—Rattling off accusations of anti-Republican bias as he burst through her kitchen, President Donald Trump reportedly stormed back into his 60 Minutes interview Friday while Leslie Stahl was eating lunch at her home. “Well, well, well, classic radical left-wing news media—48 hours after my interview, and you’re…Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—In an effort to curb what he called her “aggressive tone,” President Donald Trump threatened during the debate Thursday night to leak a video of the event online if NBC moderator Kristen Welker kept asking questions he deemed unfair. “By the way, since you’re asking such biased questions, you should…Read more...

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NASHVILLE, TN—Growing increasingly frustrated with the president’s behavior over the evening’s proceedings, a visibly miffed Joe Biden warned that Donald Trump’s undignified behavior at the debate Thursday could easily cost him a cabinet position. “Folks, what you’ve seen tonight from my friend is conduct that’s…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In response to a compromising scene featured in the Borat sequel in which the president’s personal attorney claimed to be tucking in his shirt, Rudy Giuliani released a video of himself masturbating Thursday to show what it would actually look like. “You thought that was masturbating? I’ll show you…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Members of Congress and the White House reportedly reached a deal Tuesday on a long-awaited new coronavirus stimulus bill that would require all Americans to mail the government a $1,200 check. “The new bipartisan legislation will go a long way toward helping Americans relieve the crippling economic effects…Read more...

Amy Coney Barrett, President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has driven controversy in Washington over both her beliefs and the legitimacy of her appointment. The Onion presents the case for and against confirming Barrett for the Supreme Court.

BROOKLYN—Stressing how happy they were to make a difference back home in Sparta or wherever, Brooklyn residents told reporters Wednesday that they genuinely felt great about voting absentee in “whatever dumb Ohio town” they hailed from. “Yeah, I’m really glad I sent in my ballot to whichever Podunk Rust-Belt town I…Read more...

All 435 House of Representative seats are up in the 2020 election, as the Democrats try to retain the majority over the Republicans they won in the 2018 midterms. The Onion takes a look at the key 2020 House races to watch. If the representatives of the nation’s landed gentry are more your speed, check out the 2020…Read more...

With the election around the corner, the Republican Party campaign of President Donald Trump is looking for ways to win reelection over his Democratic Party challenger, Joe Biden. The Onion looks at key factors that could help Trump defeat Biden and retain the presidency. If Trump winning isn’t your preferred outcome,…Read more...

ERIE, PA—Pushing back against what he viewed as an overly hysterical media narrative, Trump supporter Tom Nagle whispered his assertion Monday that poll watching is not intimidation into the ear of a man filling out a ballot. “Keeping an eye on what’s going on at the polls is simply a way to ensure that the election…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith’s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the court to crush the nation’s poorest and most downtrodden citizens. “When…Read more...

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Expressing bewilderment at the complete lack of response by the media and authorities, members of a right-wing militia told reporters Monday they were wondering when someone would notice they’ve been holding Governor J.B. Pritzker hostage for the last few months. “We thought Illinois residents would be…Read more...

MADISON, WI—Assuaging concerns that the 2020 election could be swayed by widespread misconduct, Wisconsin officials reported Friday zero evidence of voter fraud in ballots they’ve thrown out so far. “We’ve looked at and discarded thousands of ballots over the past week, and in no instances have we found any attempt…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to be as rehearsed as possible for the rescheduled rematch against Joe Biden, President Donald Trump was reportedly hard at work preparing for his next debate Thursday with the help of a team of Dexamethasone-induced hallucinations. “Biden is definitely going to hammer you for being so big and…Read more...

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SALT LAKE CITY—After he issued a relentless stream of combative remarks that were criticized as unhelpful and distracting, President Donald Trump was reprimanded Wednesday night for continually interrupting Sen. Kamala Harris and moderator Susan Page during the vice presidential debate. “Excuse me, Mr. President, but…Read more...

SALT LAKE CITY—As he made direct eye contact with the man sitting in the audience nearly 30 feet away, Vice President Mike Pence appeared to instinctively address his responses to Sen. Kamala Harris’ husband during Wednesday night’s vice-presidential debate. “Excuse me, sir, but I take objection to your wife’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Citing an abundance of caution following President Donald Trump’s coronavirus diagnosis, the White House announced Wednesday that the Trump family would be discontinuing its practice of taking a big bath together every night until the president recovered. “We are exercising every precaution to stop the…Read more...

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There are 35 Senate seats up in the 2020 election, most of which are currently held by Republicans, with the Democrats hoping to flip enough seats to take control of the upper chamber of Congress. The Onion takes a look at the key 2020 Senate races to watch.

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration that the president was able to attain what he himself never had, former National Security Advisor John Bolton was reportedly seething with jealousy Tuesday that President Trump got to become a real-life living, breathing biological weapon. “If only I had stayed in the administration,…Read more...