KAPOLEI, HI—Wiping the sweat from his brow and contemplating his long road to vengeance, one-eyed man Calvin Simmons, who was locked up by Kamala Harris 25 years ago, quietly removed his Tulsi Gabbard mask Tuesday after learning that the California senator had dropped out of the presidential race. “The day she locked…

NEW YORK—Explaining that he felt he had earned a little indulgence, Democratic candidate Michael Bloomberg confirmed Tuesday that he had decided to treat himself to a second, flashier presidential campaign. “Having one presidential campaign is nice and all, but I had some extra money lying around and decided to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for what they have unleashed by condemning the former Vice President’s past behavior, the U.S. populace issued a call Monday to let Joe Biden rub women’s shoulders again after seeing what he will do instead. “It’s not that the shoulder rub thing isn’t creepy, it is, but we didn’t realize the…Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—In response to recent criticism of his campaign and political record, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg admitted Monday that he only recently realized that black people can vote. “I’ll be the first one to acknowledge that I’ve had some blind spots in my political career, and I’ve learned…Read more...

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CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Surpassing the contribution of an African American woman who accidentally dropped a quarter in front of the presidential candidate’s headquarters last summer, local man Leonard Thompson unknowingly became Pete Buttigieg’s top black donor Friday after he tossed a few coins into a campaign volunteer’s…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Gritting his teeth as his face reddened with effort, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly straining to rapture himself Thursday before the impeachment inquiry into President Trump could proceed any further. “You can do this, just think pious thoughts and you’ll be halfway to Heaven long before they can…Read more...

BLACK SEA—Relaxing on the luxury ship after having gotten away with the greatest scheme in U.S. history scot-free, the Democratic National Committee server was reportedly celebrating its escape from justice Thursday while surrounded by bikini-clad women on a yacht in the Black Sea. The criminal computer system that…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise that he was featured so prominently in a rival’s literature, presidential candidate Cory Booker was reportedly taken aback Wednesday after discovering his picture dozens of times on official Pete Buttigieg campaign materials. “It would have been nice if someone from the Buttigieg team…Read more...

A Warning, the new book by an anonymous writer identified as “a senior Trump administration official” that purports to be a critical look at the Donald Trump presidency, was published November 19. The Onion takes a look at the biggest revelations from the anonymous official’s new book.Read more...

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SOUTH BEND, IN—In an effort to unite disparate groups of white Americans, the Pete Buttigieg campaign released a new series of ads Monday appealing to moderate Republicans by touting the candidate’s low approval rate among black voters. “We hope that any Republican who finds Trump beyond the pale will turn to our…Read more...

As the 2020 presidential campaign season gets into full swing, debate has raged over the content, message, and truthfulness of political advertising, as well as the platforms that host them. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how political ads work.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Appearing before the House Intelligence Committee at Friday’s impeachment hearing, former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch testified that she was recalled from her post so a corrupt back channel could run U.S. policy in Ukraine but gets it if no one cares about anything anymore. “President Trump and his allies…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on what exactly transpired between the U.S. president and Ukraine during a mysterious April call, a transcript released Friday includes 37 pages of a confused Donald Trump mashing his fingers against his phone’s dial pad while President Volodymyr Zelensky tries to speak. According to the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Knocking the broadcast for its lack of cohesive vision, The Washington Post impeachment critic Patrick Jennings gave the insipid day one of the House inquiry hearing two out of five Andrew Johnsons. “We hope the masterminds behind the hearing have some real surprises in store, otherwise I don’t see this…Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—Skyrocketing in visibility mere hours after launching his bid for the White House, former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick reportedly acquired high favorability numbers and good Iowa polling Thursday after a leveraged buyout of Pete Buttigieg’s campaign. “We’re proud to announce that we have reached…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth on the tile floor as he averted his eyes from the disgustingly suggestive entryway hardware, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly against a bathroom wall for hours Thursday following an encounter with a doorknob resembling the female breast. “Come on, Mikey, snap out of it…stand…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Rising triumphantly from a sudden swirl of golden light that had consumed his former ailing body, a tiny, rejuvenated President Jimmy Carter emerged from a pile of ashes Tuesday after the aged ex-president’s past incarnation burst into flames. “Behold! I am born anew!” the 6-inch-tall former president…Read more...

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Several recent high-profile investigations, from the ongoing impeachment inquiry to House probes into the actions of companies like Facebook and Boeing, have put the spotlight on congressional testimony, although they represent only a fraction of people who have appeared to offer explanations or background to…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Dealt another setback in their attempt to find a 2020 prospect they deem suitably centrist, Democratic National Committee leaders buried their heads in their hands after a new moderate presidential recruit immediately walked into oncoming traffic, sources confirmed Thursday. “For crying out loud, he didn’t…Read more...

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The U.S. decision to pull troops out of Syria that were assisting rebel forces has cleared the way for Turkey to ramp up military actions, escalating chaos in the region. The Onion provides a timeline of U.S. and Syrian relations.Read more...

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MANAUS, BRAZIL—Citing a lack of support from those with no knowledge of the outside world, a new Reuters poll out Thursday found virtually no enthusiasm for the impeachment of President Donald Trump among uncontacted tribes in the Amazon completely unaware of our political traditions. “Despite the escalation of the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—After realizing there were still judicial appointments that needed to be filled during a meeting with the conservative think tank, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly pointed to a valet in the Heritage Foundation parking lot Thursday and asked him if he wanted to be a federal judge. “Hey, kid,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the never-ending stream of news about the current occupant of the Oval Office, an exhausted President Donald Trump reportedly asked himself, “Oh Jesus, now what?” after turning the TV Wednesday and seeing what bullshit thing the president had done this time. “Just a single day without this garbage…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Raising further questions about Donald Trump’s July call to Ukraine’s president Volodymyr Zelensky, national security expert Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman testified Tuesday that the White House’s transcript of the conversation left out lengthy sections of Trump bragging about the time he was in a commercial…Read more...

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DETROIT—Releasing bombshell evidence in the form of hundreds of cell phone videos taken during the gathering, numerous anonymous tipsters confirmed this week that Bernie Sanders recently attended a secret campaign meeting with 15,000 working-class donors from the Democratic Party. “This damning footage shows Sen.…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Clapping and bouncing up and down in his chair, President Donald Trump reportedly exclaimed “Again, again, again!” to aides in the Oval Office Monday after watching a video of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s death six times in a row. “Show me one more time! One more time, please?” said a visibly gleeful…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—As a chorus of jeers began to fill Nationals Park during Game Five of the World Series, President Donald Trump was reportedly mortified Sunday after the crowd started chanting “Lock him up!” at first lady Melania Trump. “Why would they do that? It’s so mean,” said Trump, adding that when they stood up in…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In an expression of pity for the man who had been slowly pacing the hallway for over an hour, House committee members taking impeachment depositions reportedly let Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) into their meeting Friday after it became clear he had come to storm the room all by himself. “We figured it wouldn’t…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Imploring Americans to take a moment to recall jovial incidents such as tweeting “covfefe” instead of “coverage” or when he touched that strange glowing orb during a visit to Saudi Arabia, U.S. president Donald Trump, increasingly cornered by House impeachment proceedings, called upon the nation Friday to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining there appeared to be a pattern of premeditated wrongdoing but that he didn’t want to make any claims he couldn’t substantiate with hard facts, an out-of-work Robert Mueller reportedly opened an investigation Friday into whether several neighborhood squirrels knowingly ate from his bird feeder.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to evade the escalating Ukraine scandal, President Donald Trump reportedly tied thousands of balloons to the roof of the White House Thursday in order to sail far away from the impeachment inquiry. “The U.S. has turned against me, so it’s time for me to float off to some distant land,” said the…Read more...