by The Onion on (#4YCT6)
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| Updated | 2024-11-24 03:45 |
by The Onion on (#4YBMM)
WASHINGTON—Denouncing his predecessor’s water regulations as overly restrictive, President Donald Trump announced Thursday he was lifting protections enacted by the Obama administration to permanently entomb Gangthor the Malevolent in a murky trench deep below the Pacific Ocean. “These horrible rules created by Barack…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y9ME)
WASHINGTON—After he gaveled the Senate to order Wednesday afternoon, Chief Justice John Roberts sternly admonished both President Trump’s counsel and House impeachment managers to remember they were participating in a complete farce of a trial. “As you address members of this deliberative body, please bear in mind…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y9AM)
WASHINGTON—Over the objections of Democrats who decried the measure as not receiving sufficient debate on the congressional floor, Senate Republicans forced through a resolution Wednesday establishing Wingstop as the official sponsor of President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial. “Resolved that effective immediately,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y7ZK)
NEW YORK—In a dramatic challenge of the editorial board, The New York Times travel section broke with the paper Tuesday to endorse former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick for the Democratic nomination. “Given his impressive track record as a card-carrying Hyatt Loyalty Program member and the only candidate with…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y7PA)
WASHINGTON—Praising the civil rights leader for his determination and commitment to justice, Kellyanne Conway, senior counselor to the president, suggested to reporters Monday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have traveled to Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden. “Dr. Martin Luther King, who was known for his nonviolent…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y5SF)
WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “super top secret†shelter’s entrance with a couch cushion, the Trump boys reportedly declared “They can’t impeach someone they can’t see†Friday while cramming their dad into a homemade bunker under the Oval Office desk. “The House peach managers [sic] are never, ever gonna be able…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y2JR)
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by The Onion on (#4Y2JS)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that their duty to uphold the Constitution required impartiality in their role as jurors, Republican senators told reporters Friday that they would weigh all evidence before lifting President Donald Trump into the air and carrying him outside on their shoulders. “Look, as senators, we swore a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y11J)
WASHINGTON—Calling their bombshell report incredibly damning, CNN revealed Thursday that Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders has been knowingly running a campaign to become president of a country with a long history of sexism. “This new evidence proves beyond a doubt that Bernie Sanders strongly wants to lead a nation…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y11K)
WASHINGTON—After learning that Ukraine police had opened an investigation into whether associates of the president had surveilled the diplomat in Kyiv last year, White House senior advisor Stephen Miller was reportedly upset Thursday at being passed over for a job stalking female U.S. ambassador Marie Yovanovitch.…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y0R6)
DES MOINES, IA—Emphasizing that the leaked recording would clear up any confusion about the various crunching, slurping, and gurgling sounds heard after the Iowa Democratic Debate, CNN released a wet mic audio analysis Thursday that revealed Joe Biden had been caught chewing on his own microphone. “While at first, the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XZ2C)
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by The Onion on (#4XZ2D)
WASHINGTON—Backtracking in light of recent polls that indicate public dismay over his handling of Iran, President Trump announced Wednesday he was moving forward with a plan to reverse the killing of top Iranian general Qassem Soleimani. “I have overturned the decision to assassinate Gen. Soleimani and ordered our…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XYQW)
DES MOINES, IA—Cutting off his chief strategist midway through a daily meeting to express his unwillingness to continue the deception much longer, former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked advisors Wednesday how much longer he has to go through the routine of acting confused and doddering in order to avoid…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XYQX)
Economic sanctions, in which a country levies financial penalties against another country, entity, or person, are at the center of tense U.S.–Iran relations, and their use in general is a matter of significant debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of economic sanctions.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XYF5)
BETTENDORF, IOWA—Shivering and shouting for help as his plan to find his supporters went awry, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg was reportedly trapped in a walk-in freezer Thursday after searching an Iowa diner for its back room with high-rolling donors. “Help! Help! Can anyone hear me? I don’t understand where…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XXTE)
DES MOINES, IA—Reaffirming their commitment to facilitating a civil, constructive event, CNN moderators reminded Democratic debate participants Tuesday to keep personal attacks off the stage in favor of the new confessional cam backstage. “We want to have an honest discussion about policies and positions, so if you…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XXTF)
DES MOINES, IA—In light of the Democratic presidential candidate’s alleged comments on the electiblity of a female candidate, CNN debate moderator Wolf Blitzer challenged Bernie Sanders Tuesday to prove his support for women by accurately naming each part of the female reproductive system. “All of them—you have 30…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XXTG)
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by The Onion on (#4XXTH)
DES MOINES, IA—Speculating that the candidate would not raise an objection to any sum they named, CNN officials reported Tuesday that they figured the network could soak Tom Steyer for a few million simply by pretending that it costs money to appear in that evening’s debate. “Here’s what I’m thinking: We just rattle…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XXBH)
DES MOINES, IA—Following the New Jersey senator’s decision to end his bid for the White House, sources confirmed Tuesday that without Cory Booker’s message of love and unity to hold it together, a bloody wave of chaos and rage had spread through the Democratic presidential field. According to eyewitnesses, absent…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XXAK)
DES MOINES—Responding to accusations by members of the Elizabeth Warren campaign that he told her in a 2018 conversation that he didn’t believe a woman could win the presidency, the Bernie Sanders campaign doubled down Tuesday with a new television ad warning Americans that they’ll never be able to hear a female…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XX0R)
DES MOINES, IA—Praising the former South Bend, IN mayor as a “true champion†of nothing in particular, local swing voter Chris Fernsby told reporters Tuesday he felt a deep connection with presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg’s complete lack of conviction. “As a generally noncommittal person without any firm ideas…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4XVM7)
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by The Onion on (#4XVJT)
ALGONA, IA—Sitting in the diner where he now eats breakfast every morning, Senator Cory Booker announced Monday that he was dropping out of the 2020 rat race after falling in love with small-town Iowa life. “I’ve spent my whole life worrying about my career, chasing the next big position, but after spending all this…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WVVJ)
CAROL STREAM, IL—In a scathing opinion piece published Thursday by Christianity Today, the evangelical magazine’s editor-in-chief Mark Galli made the case for President Trump’s removal from the Holy Trinity. “The president has demonstrated repeatedly that he lacks the ethical convictions necessary for us to continue…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WTQ8)
LOS ANGELES—In response to criticism that its threshold for participation has reduced the diversity on stage, the Democratic National Committee announced it would increase ethnic representation in Thursday night’s debate by allowing New York governor Andrew Cuomo to take part. “We heard loud and clear from Democratic…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WTQ9)
WASHINGTON—In response to the presidential candidate’s criticism of the party’s current rules that have left him unqualified for tonight’s Democratic debate, the DNC announced Thursday that they have eased the debate requirements to 0.1% above whatever number Cory Booker was polling. “We’ve considered Senator Booker’s…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WTF5)
WASHINGTON—Clarifying controversial remarks he made about the deceased Michigan lawmaker last night, Donald Trump told reporters Thursday he can confirm the late congressman John Dingell is in hell because of the window into a terrifying inferno the president sees every time he closes his eyes. “Each night, when I lie…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WS13)
WASHINGTON—Warning that allowing them to vote without proper documentation would undermine the sanctity of the democratic process, the House GOP turned away dozens of Democrats from impeaching President Donald Trump Wednesday after determining they did not have adequate voter ID. “This is simply a precautionary…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WRRP)
WASHINGTON—Looking around the chamber for some sort of food station, Congressman Don Young (R-AK) told reporters Wednesday that he could’ve sworn the last impeachment hearing he attended was catered. “When we were impeaching Clinton in the ’90s, I’m pretty sure there was a whole spread with, like, soups and sandwiches…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WRRQ)
HAMDEN, CT—According to a new poll out Wednesday from Quinnipiac University, 54% of Americans approve of President Trump receiving the death penalty, but believe his transgressions have not risen to a level that warrants removal from office. “While nearly all survey participants agreed the president should be executed…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WPTW)
WASHINGTON—Praising bipartisan efforts that prevented a government shutdown ahead of the holiday season, Congress reportedly reached a $1.4 trillion spending deal Tuesday to award the entire budget to one lucky American. “This is going to provide a completely new life for a single and very, very fortunate American,â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WN49)
NEWARK—Referring to the “surefire†system as a sort of pyramid of communication, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker excitedly walked long-term girlfriend and actress Rosario Dawson through his new network-based strategy to distribute campaign newsletters, sources confirmed Monday. “And then when those…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WG5F)
WASHINGTON—Praising the eloquence and noble character of his Democratic colleague before humbly offering a rebuttal, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) engaged in thoughtful and enlightened debate Thursday over the merits of proposed impeachment articles brought against the president of the United States. “Allow me first to…Read more...
Fox News Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Orchestrated By Democrats To Unseat President
by The Onion on (#4WFXN)
NEW YORK—Calling the running and nomination of a candidate a blatant abuse of power from the left, Fox News personality Tucker Carlson condemned the 2020 election Thursday as a partisan witch hunt orchestrated by Democrats to unseat President Trump. “This is nothing more than a Soviet-style democratic election,†said…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WDY7)
Twitter recently announced a ban on political advertising, adding fuel to the debate of whether social media should allow campaign ads and how claims made in those ads might be regulated. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of social media banning political ads.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WDKY)
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by The Onion on (#4WA8Y)
WASHINGTON—Touting his impressive record of serving on the board of a notable natural gas company, President Donald Trump offered Hunter Biden a job in the U.S. Department of Energy Monday based on his experience in the oil industry. “Given his unparalleled background in this sector, I am pleased to have Hunter Biden…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4WA8Z)
SIMI VALLEY, CA—Declaring the whole visit “sort of a letdown,†Valley View Middle School student Lucas Hursch, 13, was disappointed to find Monday that the so-called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library bears no resemblance to the man who was the leader of the free world from 1980 to 1988. “You could maybe argue it has…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4W6X5)
CONCORD, NH—Declaring that he simply has no choice in the matter, White House hopeful Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday that some political positions he holds cannot be disclosed because of a nondisclosure agreement he signed with the Pete Buttigieg presidential campaign. “I would love to answer your questions, but…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4W6K8)
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by The Onion on (#4W4Y5)
WASHINGTON—Responding to the criticism surrounding the Trump administration’s recent decision to tighten restrictions on supplemental nutrition eligibility, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue argued Thursday that the food stamp cuts will incentivize people to go out and get exploitative jobs that won’t exist in…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4W4Y6)
LONDON—Monitoring polls and news coverage of the upcoming elections, U.K. prime minister Boris Johnson reportedly expressed concern Thursday that continued accusations of anti-Semitism against the Labour Party will hurt the Tories’ hold on the bigot vote. “Those with prejudiced and discriminatory beliefs have long…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4W4Y7)
PLAINS, GA—As he continues to rest and recover following a brush with the ailment earlier this week, former President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday he would spend the remainder of his life educating people about the fact that men, too, routinely suffer from urinary tract infections. “This isn’t just an issue that…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4W2VG)
LONDON—In response to the covertly recorded footage of European leaders mocking the U.S. president, a jilted Donald Trump announced Wednesday the official formation of a cooler, way more powerful NATO with his new best friends Oman, Macedonia, and Suriname. “We are going to have so much fun without you losers,†said…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4W2HC)
It’s long been taboo to discuss politics in the workplace, and as the national atmosphere becomes more politically charged, arguments have grown both for and against bringing political discussions to professional settings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of talking politics at work.Read more...