PHILADELPHIA—In a largely measured speech calling for party unity after a string of primary victories, former Vice President Joe Biden took to the stage Tuesday night to extend an olive branch to Biden supporters. “I appreciate the enthusiasm and energy of Joe Biden’s voters, and I want any of his supporters who feel…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Beating out her rivals with the help of a little-known technicality, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) was named the Democratic Party’s nominee for president Wednesday after the discovery of an obscure rule that grants the nomination to whoever wins 0.7% of the vote in Missouri. “We weren’t expecting this, but…Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Determined to support all Democratic candidates without exception, local man Todd McMaster reportedly chanted “Vote blue no matter who, vote blue no matter who” Tuesday as he filled in every bubble on his party’s presidential primary ballot. “Let’s see, there’s one for Bernie, one for Biden, one for…Read more...

JOHANNESBURG—Striding across the cement floor of his sparse confines, Joe Biden gave a speech Monday from the South African jail cell where he is still imprisoned for supporting Nelson Mandela. “I have sacrificed a great deal—my freedom, my livelihood, and my safety—in my fight against apartheid, but it has all been…Read more...

President Donald Trump will receive the Republican Party’s nomination for president, and his reelection campaign against his eventual Democratic challenger is already well underway. The Onion takes a look at the key priorities for Trump going into his reelection campaign.Read more...

DETROIT—Opening up about the lifelong struggle that has been a source of embarrassment and frustration, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden defended Thursday his record of inappropriately touching women as a symptom of his lifelong struggle with stuttering hands. “Since my childhood, I’ve been burdened with…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying she continually walks by his office while loosening the frilly beaded collar she wears over her judicial robes, sources confirmed Thursday that Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been flirting with the Supreme Court’s 67-year-old intern again. “She’s completely shameless—every time there’s a…Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Triumphantly celebrating victory with an adoring crowd of supporters, vindictive former Democratic presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar was elected mayor of South Bend, IN, sources confirmed Thursday. “South Bend has taken a step into a bright new day by finally electing a leader it deserves, and I’m…Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—As the moderate wing of the Democratic Party consolidated its backing around his candidacy, former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly wondered Thursday where all this support was back when he still had a functioning brain. “Here’s the deal: I’m flattered that everyone’s voting for me and the big…Read more...

DETROIT—Stressing the need for inclusivity and intersectionality in the 2020 Democratic primaries, local Bernie Sanders supporter Kevin Randall took to Facebook Wednesday to stress the importance of listening to minority voices, just not any of the ones that have handed victory to Joe Biden. “We need to make clear…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Expressing her displeasure about the unfortunate timing of her boss dropping out of the presidential primary, Bloomberg staffer Eliza Wilkonson was reportedly frustrated Wednesday that she had literally just aborted a fetus for this job. “God damn it, I wish Mike could have given me a little heads up,” said…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Touting his Super Tuesday victories as evidence that he would stand strong in the face of any real change, Joe Biden announced Wednesday that his incredible electoral comeback proves he can beat a progressive Democrat in the general election. “Democratic voters have spoken, they know that when it comes to…Read more...

CLARKSVILLE, AR—In an effort to reduce confusion and improve transparency, Democratic National Committee officials confirmed that last-minute changes to the Super Tuesday primary rules would require all 14 states to vote at the same polling place. “We want to consolidate the process and cut down on red tape, so…Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—Expressing optimism about how the upcoming electoral contest would play out, presidential candidate Joe Biden was reportedly feeling confident about his chances this week after spending Super Tuesday stumping across Iowa. “I’ve spent the last 24 hours crisscrossing the state to get people excited about…Read more...

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SOUTH BEND, IN—Insisting that he was only selling false hope and dividing the Democratic party, Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the 2020 race this week after slamming his own plan to be president as a naive and unrealistic pipe dream. “To run for president and sell these unworkable ideas of unity when I have no plans…Read more...

NEW YORK—In a video from late 1984 that was circulating online Friday and could severely damage his bid for the presidency, Bernie Sanders can be heard openly questioning whether Madonna was likely to succeed in the transition from making records to acting in major motion pictures. “Look, she’s an undeniable pop…Read more...

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Fed-up presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren publicly told her supporters Friday to “Cut that Pinterest shit out,” reminding them that her candidacy was a serious bid to become “the commander in chief of the goddamn United States and should be treated as such.” “I’m running a legitimate campaign for the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting that he would happily lend his support to any candidate who just requested it, former President Barack Obama told reporters Friday he was kind of hurt no one in the 2020 Democratic field has even asked for his endorsement. “Look, I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I’m a two-term president…Read more...

SALT LAKE CITY—Following the formal public announcement that he was no longer invited to the annual Conservative Public Action Conference, Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) reportedly screamed, “I’ll show those pricks!” Thursday while driving a busload of pregnant women to an abortion clinic. “They called me liberal, I’ll…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As he bolted upright on the couch where he lay beneath a pile of empty Fig Newton wrappers Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly took his first phone call from President Trump in 18 months, mumbling, “Whatavirus?” while he brushed crumbs off his bare stomach and chest. “No—I’m awake, I’m awake—was…Read more...

LEWISTON, ME—Announcing his newfound support for the former New York mayor, local Democratic voter Lucas Butterfield calmly stated, “I like this candidate now and will vote for him,” after seeing a Mike Bloomberg ad for the 12th time in a single day, sources confirmed Thursday. “The ninth ad didn’t really convince me,…Read more...

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CHARLESTON, SC—Clearly uncomfortable being asked to express their views on such a contentious issue, the 2020 Democratic presidential candidates struggled Wednesday to answer questions about the future of granite countertops during a series of HGTV town halls. “As president, what are you going to do to address the…Read more...

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DENVER, CO—Stressing that his angry rants and unhinged perceptions of the world in no way represented the Vermont senator’s broad coalition of supporters, 27-year-old Adam Patterson told reporters Wednesday that he was sick and tired of the Sanders movement being defined by a small number of toxic members like…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that he was looking forward to showing the influential global entity around the country, President Donald Trump held a diplomatic ceremony Wednesday to formally welcome the coronavirus to the United States. “This is a historic day for America, and I hope that the coronavirus will appreciate our…Read more...

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CHARLESTON, SC—As the televised event featuring the leading contenders for the Democratic Party presidential nomination got underway Tuesday evening, CBS moderators kicked off the debate by asking whether Michael Bloomberg was ready to get his shit rocked again. “Our first question is for Mayor Bloomberg: How will you…Read more...

CHARLESTON, SC—Stressing that the contrast between herself and her rivals could not be starker, presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar told viewers at Tuesday night’s Democratic debate that she remained the only candidate who had not been sucker punched in the gut moments before stepping on stage. “Tonight, I’m asking…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing doubt over whether she deserved of all her accolades, Supreme Court Associate Justice Elena Kagan was reportedly worried Tuesday that she was a fraud after being the only female justice not called out by President Donald Trump for being biased against him. “Has my career meant nothing? I feel so…Read more...

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AHMEDABAD, INDIA—Representing the United States during a diplomatic visit to India, President Donald Trump hailed the blossoming relations between the two planets during a rally Monday at the 110,000-seat Motera Stadium. “Although we may come from different worlds, and our civilizations are separated by millions of…Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Acknowledging the blunder following public pressure that his patient release the confidential documents, embarrassed heart surgeon Dr. Michael Sharrer admitted to reporters Monday that he may have accidentally left Bernie Sanders’ medical records in the candidate’s chest. “Honestly, I just set them down for…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a legal measure that will greatly expand the options available to American sportsmen, the Trump administration announced Thursday that it would repeal legacy regulations forbidding the use of controversial chokeholds and eye-gouging when hunting game birds. “Although animal rights activists have long…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Increasingly troubled about the role the self-proclaimed visionary and healer might play in the presidential race, intelligence experts expressed concerns Friday that Volokov Molchalin, the pale Russian mystic constantly at President Donald Trump’s side, may attempt to influence the 2020 election. “While…Read more...

NEW YORK—Standing behind podiums scattered around the living room, Mike Bloomberg’s housekeepers braced for another day of dressing up like DNC candidates and letting their boss beat them in a debate, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m supposed to be polishing the silver today, but instead I have to wear a stupid white…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Imploring his supporters to relieve him of his obligations on the campaign trail, former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly begged his donors Thursday to stop sending him money so he could quit the presidential race. “Look, folks, we are at an important crossroads in our…Read more...

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LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls, increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night’s Democratic Debate. “Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad…Read more...

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LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate, surging presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised to “rule you peasants with an iron fist.” “Kneel before me and…Read more...

LAS VEGAS—After frantically searching for the former vice president in the hours leading up to Wednesday night’s debate, panicked campaign aides reportedly located Joe Biden at Las Vegas’ Treasure Island Hotel, where the candidate appeared to have followed a Cirque du Soleil troupe onstage. “There he is, up…Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Quipping that if elected, he would be a father first and president second, Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg told reporters Wednesday that he loved his “wife Marcia and two beautiful kids, Tad and Hayden” in his latest campaign shift. “First, I’d like to thank my incredible rock of 15 years, Marcia,…Read more...

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