NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch. “We want to make sure black voters can’t…Read more...

The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.Read more...

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ensure reliable results in its Feb. 22 presidential caucus, the Nevada State Democratic Party announced Friday that it had addressed election security concerns by upgrading to a new system of electronic voters. “There is a lot of potential for human error when you have people recording their…Read more...

From The Archives:

KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in…Read more...

Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion…Read more...

The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11, with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates locked in fierce competition for Democratic delegates. The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his knees in despair, Professor Elijah Tresswell, CEO of Tresswell Robotics, reportedly told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest creation. “I understand that this must be quite a shock to you, Andrew, but all your memories…Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that the Minnesota senator could be a potential “spoiler at the convention,” FiveThiryEight released a report Wednesday finding that moderate Democrats were worried Amy Klobuchar could split the crucial people-who-will-vote-for-anybody vote. “Klobuchar has a real path to the nomination if she can lock…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Smashing through the glass of the back window before prying open the door, a ski-masked William Barr reportedly told Roger Stone that it was time to go Tuesday after running the convicted felon’s prison bus off the road. “Looks like there’s been a change of plans,” said the attorney general, firing his…Read more...

Read more...

CONCORD, NH—Realizing there had been a major oversight during scheduling, the flustered host of a New Hampshire B&B informed Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, and Amy Klobuchar Tuesday that they were all booked for the same room. “I’m incredibly sorry for the mix-up, but we’re completely…Read more...

HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting continued challenges in the former New York City mayor’s quest for the presidential nomination, a new poll conducted by Quinnipiac University found that Democratic candidate Michael Bloomberg was trailing his rivals among young black males he’s already thrown into prison. “Bloomberg is continuing…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing disappointment that the longtime senator was “just another part of the establishment,” once-vocal supporters of Bernie Sanders withdrew their backing for the presidential candidate Monday after realizing he was vying to become commander in chief of the U.S. Armed Forces. “Bernie talks a big game…Read more...

ROCKPORT, IN—Revealing that the latest addition to the presidential race had totally upended the 2020 election, a national poll conducted Monday found that President Donald Trump, as well as every single Democratic candidate, were now trailing a mysterious rune-covered Obelisk by 80 points.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were forced to take more radical measures to ensure the success of their moderate political platform, increasingly unhinged U.S. centrists announced Monday their plan to round up the nation’s populace into camps to force them to engage in meaningful dialogue. “As more Americans adopt…Read more...

The Iowa caucuses, where the first votes were tallied for the 2020 presidential election, became a days-long fiasco largely due to an app malfunction. The Onion offers a look at the key events of the Iowa caucuses debacle.Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Addressing concerns over his campaign’s marked lack of inclusion, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg touted significant progress he made Friday connecting with black Fortune 500 executives. “I’ve heard your concerns, and over the past few weeks, I’ve made great efforts to not just talk to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Kicking and punching his brother in an effort to fight the “Germans” [sic] that were swarming all over his sibling’s body, Donald Trump Jr. reportedly yelled, “He’s got the Mulan virus!” Thursday while attempting to quarantine Eric Trump by duct taping a garbage bag over his brother’s head. “Oh my God, ew,…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the impressionable youth wasn’t aware of any wrongdoing, Senate Republicans spoke out Thursday saying that one mistake shouldn’t ruin the life of a naive, promising young man like President Donald Trump. “Sure, withholding military aid to an ally in wartime in order to secure an investigation…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Unleashing a tirade on the supreme deity in an overtly partisan display at the traditionally nonpolitical event, President Donald Trump spent Thursday’s National Prayer Breakfast fiercely attacking God for allowing impeachment to ever happen. “As everyone knows, my family, your great country, and the…Read more...

MANCHESTER, NH—In a last-minute attempt to court the much-sought-after demographic, Senator Bernie Sanders appealed to a town hall of moderates Thursday by reminding them all of his policies would wind up getting watered down enough to match their positions anyway. “Listen, I understand many of you are nervous about…Read more...

Read more...

AKRON, OH—As President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial ended with an acquittal in the Senate, sources confirmed Friday that both parties acting exactly how everyone expected them to had restored the nation’s faith in its political process. “Watching the Democrats cower behind ineffectual high-minded rhetoric while…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying his initial enthusiasm had faded after learning about the award’s history, conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh conceded Wednesday that receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom was less of an honor knowing it had been bestowed upon Rosa Parks and Maya Angelou, too. “While I understand this…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hoping the yellow, graphite-based writing instrument would allay voter doubts following the chaos of the Iowa caucuses, the Democratic National Committee reportedly offered a technology startup $500 million Tuesday to develop a pencil that can accurately record election results. “As of this morning, we have…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming the 89-year-old woman’s numerous blunders had caused the delay to the state’s results, Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez told reporters Tuesday that all problems with the Iowa Caucus could be blamed on a single fuck-up senior citizen volunteer. “What it comes down to is that this costly…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—As the beginning of primary season upped the stakes in their search for an alternative candidate, Democratic National Committee officials reportedly mulled Monday asking Donald Trump to run for president as a Democrat in an effort to stop Bernie Sanders. “He’s obviously not our first choice, but Trump has a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming the challenges associated with preserving liberal democracy, the nation’s top political scientists issued a report Friday that found fighting against the rising tide of authoritarianism sounds like a ton of work. “After extensive analysis, we can state with a high degree of certainty that…Read more...

OTTUMWA, IA—As part of his effort to reinvigorate the coalition that once put Barack Obama in the White House, presidential candidate Joe Biden issued a moving plea for party unity when he told a Democratic voter “You’re a piece of shit and I hope everyone like you dies,” reports confirmed Thursday. “Look here, pal,…Read more...

Joe BidenRead more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the proposal represented a “realistic two-state solution,” Jared Kushner held a press conference Wednesday to make assurances that the administration’s Israel plan would relocate all Palestinians to a generous swath of the Mediterranean Sea. “We have not forgotten about the Palestinian people,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that as president he would ensure his policies didn’t leave any Americans behind, Senator Bernie Sanders reportedly unveiled plans Wednesday for a job-training program that would provide meaningful work to low-skilled op-ed writers. “I understand that if I win the presidency, many Americans are…Read more...

NEW YORK—Cautioning voters against walking down such a dangerous path without fully understanding the potential consequences, MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews warned Hardball viewers Tuesday that Bernie Sanders winning the Democratic party’s nomination would run the risk of making him look stupid in two consecutive…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that she was likely to vote to acquit, Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA) told reporters Tuesday that she still hadn’t seen any evidence in the impeachment process that had changed her self-serving political calculus. “I’ve kept an open mind from the beginning, but nothing I have seen thus far has altered…Read more...

The House of Representatives approved articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump on December 18, 2019, then sent those articles to the Senate for a formal trial, a process that has involved a whirlwind of figures from Congress, the legal world, and Trump’s orbit. The Onion provides a guide to the key…Read more...

NEW YORK—Citing its productive relationship with the multibillionaire in the two months since he announced his candidacy, CBS officials confirmed Tuesday that the network had inked a deal to air a 30-episode advertisement for Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign. “We’ve had a great run with Mayor Bloomberg’s…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Citing rapidly escalating tensions, increasing frequency of treaty violations, and deteriorating diplomatic relations across the board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo stated Monday that the United States has overwhelming and undeniable evidence to support going to war with whoever. “Make no mistake: America…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Slamming the campaign for promoting the popular podcaster’s backing, liberals said Friday that Bernie Sanders’s acceptance of Joe Rogan’s endorsement sends a dangerous message that the candidate is trying to win the 2020 presidential election. “This is just the Sanders campaign opening the gates to a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Arguing that a protracted congressional trial wasn’t in the best interests of everyday floating nude Americans, melting giraffe congressman Fauna Anuaf reportedly warned Friday that focusing on the impeachment of President Donald Trump was distracting from the surreal issues. “When there are so many people…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Speaking to thousands of March For Life protesters assembled on the National Mall, President Donald Trump took to the stage Friday to make a powerful pro-life case about the joys of neglecting a child. “Of course, I’m a father, and I had my thoughts about terminating them all, but I’m standing before you…Read more...