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Updated 2026-03-21 23:24
Trump Arrives For U.K. State Visit
In a visit that will encompass a royal visit with the Queen, a diplomatic banquet, and a wave of planned protests, President Trump arrived in the U.K. for a state visit this week. What do you think?Read more...
Last-Ditch Climate Change Report Provides Locations Of Weapons, Current Whereabouts Of Oil Executives
NEW YORK—In a desperate, perhaps final attempt to prevent the earth’s temperatures from rising to catastrophic levels, a last-ditch climate change report issued Tuesday by the U.N. includes nothing more than the whereabouts of top oil executives and directions to secret weapons caches. “For decades, we have failed in…Read more...
‘Jeopardy!’ Bans Obsessive Weirdos Who Ruin The Fun By Preparing Way Too Much For Show
CULVER CITY, CA—Noting that such individuals had repeatedly upset the competition’s balance and atmosphere, Jeopardy! officials announced a permanent ban Tuesday on any obsessive weirdos who ruin the fun by preparing way too much for the show. “Effective immediately, we will be banning anyone who makes things awkward…Read more...
Father Spends Joyful Afternoon Throwing Son Around Backyard
PALATINE, IL—Emphasizing that quality time with his boy was something to savor now because “someday soon he’ll be too big for this kind of thing,” local father Marty Baker spent Tuesday afternoon joyfully throwing his 7-year-old son, Kyler, around the backyard. “Nothing better than getting a little fresh air while…Read more...
Mourning Meal
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Twitch Streamer Completes Stunning 2-Minute-42-Second Racist Rant Speedrun
The world of speedruns is a relentless battleground, where the constant one-upping and millisecond time differences can often dull the impressiveness of what you are actually seeing. But yesterday, we saw something that stopped us in our tracks and broke nearly every assumption about one of the most popular genres on…Read more...
5 Things To Know About ‘Black Mirror’ Season 5
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‘Sports Illustrated’ Sold For $110 Million
The intellectual property of Sports Illustrated, including the swimsuit issue and Sportsman Of The Year award, will be sold to the Authentic Brands group for $110 million. What do you think?Read more...
Gamers Rejoice! This Potion Restores 20 HP
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Tired But Changed-For-The-Better Friends Meet At Bar To Discuss Their Thematically Linked Days
SAN FRANCISCO—Wearily recounting what, at first, seemed to be unrelated stories, a group of tired friends who had found themselves changed for the better over the course of their day met up at Kelly’s Pub Monday evening to discuss their thematically linked, lesson-bearing days. “You know, life is funny. Take Sarah,…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 4, 2019
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Apple Announces Plans To Sell Power Mac G4 For $120
CUPERTINO, CA—Bringing to an end weeks of fevered anticipation, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced plans Monday to sell a Power Mac G4 for $120 that can still run Photoshop CS without a hitch. “Today, Apple is proud to announce the sale of a really phenomenal personal computer featuring a 350 MHz processor, 64 MB of ram,…Read more...
Trump Administration Steps Up Attacks On Climate Science
The White House has escalated its attacks on climate science with actions like shuttering the study of the Earth’s warming and stripping communinqués of all references to climate change. What do you think?Read more...
Jay-Z Vows Not To Lose Touch With Millionaire Roots On Gritty Throwback Track About Buying First Yacht
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Raid Introduces New Lilliputian Repellant Spray
RACINE, WI—Claiming the new product was up to 99.9% effective in just the first 48 hours, Raid introduced a new repellant spray Friday specifically designed to rid living spaces of invasive Lilliputians. “Our proprietary formula will kill every single one of those tiny nuisance humans in mere minutes and completely…Read more...
Why I’m So Excited About ‘Gears 5’: I Have A Severe Glandular Disorder That Makes It Impossible For Me Not To Feel This Way
There’s just something about the Gears Of War series that keeps me coming back. For some fans, it’s the thrill of mowing down enemies with the perfectly designed Lancer; for others, it’s the stickiness of the game’s signature run-and-cover combat mechanics. But what gets me so pumped about the upcoming Gears 5 is that…Read more...
Tips For Reconnecting With Old Friends
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New Report Finds Energy Drink Consumption Can Lead To Heart Bursting Out Of Chest, Riding Away On Tiny Skateboard
SALT LAKE CITY—Researchers from the cardiology division of the University of Utah School of Medicine released a new report Monday revealing that consumption of energy drinks can lead to your heart bursting out of your chest and riding away on a tiny skateboard. “Our study found that individuals who ingest just one or…Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 3, 2019
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Neglected Google Home Sits By Window Barking At Passersby
BOSTON—Saying the thought of the beloved home assistant languishing in solitude “completely and utterly broke my heart,” local woman Greta Benson, 36, expressed dismay Monday upon learning that her Google Home had been sitting in her front window and barking at passersby all day. “I got home from work and the…Read more...
J.K. Rowling Releasing New ‘Harry Potter’ E-Books
J.K. Rowling will release four short Harry Potter e-books next month exploring the history of magic through themes such as “Defence Against the Dark Arts” as well as “Potions and Herbology” alongside never-before-seen sketches and notes from the series’ universe. What do you think?Read more...
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Virginia in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals and injured four others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...
New ‘Call Of Duty’ Praised For Depicting Grim, Harrowing Fun That Can Be Had While Killing Civilians
Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare won’t be in stores until October, but the reboot of the beloved gaming series is already garnering massive praise for the grim, harrowing fun users can have while killing civilians. Ever since developer Infinity Ward released a trailer yesterday, critics have been lauding the game for the…Read more...
‘Let’s See You Answer These’ Snickers Alex Trebek As He Unveils Invasive Categories About James Holzhauer’s Personal Life
CULVER CITY, CA—During an introduction of the show’s game board Friday, grinning Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek reportedly unveiled a series of highly intrusive categories about current champion James Holzhauer’s personal life before snickering, “Let’s see you answer these, James.”Read more...
Trump Says Russia Helped Him Win Election
In an extraordinary admission of foreign interference in the 2016 election, President Trump tweeted that he had nothing to do with Russian efforts that helped him “to get elected” before later contradicting this statement in conversation with reporters. What do you think?Read more...
Defensive Laura Ingraham Challenges Critics To Try Making List Of Prominent Conservatives Without Including Few White Supremacists
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Old, Wizened Fantasy Character Confirms That The Darkness Is Rising
THE UPPER REALM—Gasping as a murky, flickering cloud slowly began to engulf the map he had drawn with his staff in the stars above, the aged and wizened fantasy character Astron the Ancient confirmed to reporters Friday that the darkness had finally been awakened, just as the ancestors had foretold. “The Shadow…Read more...
Twitch Just Announced They Will Let Users Stream Nude As Long As Everyone Promises Not To Get Aroused Or Do Anything Weird
Huge news for Twitch fans everywhere: The streaming platform just announced that they’ll now allow users to broadcast nude as long as everyone promises not to get aroused or do anything weird. That’s right: So long as all 15 million users agree they won’t get turned on by this change, it looks like the dream of gaming…Read more...
WHO Warns About Resurgence Of Guinea Worm Disease As 150-Ton Parasite Splashes Out Of Sea
GENEVA—In an effort to fight the persistent threat posed by the potentially fatal infection, the World Health Organization issued a warning Friday about the resurgence of Guinea worm disease after a 150-ton specimen of the Dracunculus medinensis species heaved itself out of the Atlantic Ocean. “We urge Guinea Coast…Read more...
Roy Moore Mulling 2020 Senate Run
Former Alabama judge Roy Moore is reportedly considering making another bid for the state’s Senate seat despite accusations of dating underage teenagers and warnings from the Republican establishment. What do you think?Read more...
Let’s Hear It For Caulk!
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How A Crime Scene Investigation Works
Investigating a crime scene is a much more complex process than it might appear in its pop-culture examples. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a crime scene investigation works.Read more...
‘Rocketman’ Viewers Not Sure Movie Really Needed 45-Minute Princess Diana Death Scene
LOS ANGELES—Feeling that the scene wasn’t completely necessary to tell the famed musician’s life story, viewers of the Elton John biopic Rocketman told reporters Thursday they were not entirely convinced the film needed to include a 45-minute scene depicting Princess Diana’s death. “I understand she was a close friend…Read more...
Tearful Meghan McCain Opens Up About Father’s Dying Wish That She Be Given Her Own Daytime Talk Show
NEW YORK—Overcome with a swell of emotion while recalling the final words of Arizona senator John McCain, a tearful Meghan McCain opened up Thursday about how her late father’s dying wish was for her to be given her own daytime talk show. “My father was a genuine American hero, and it’s only right that we honor his…Read more...
McConnell Says He Would Fill Supreme Court Seat In 2020
Directly contradicting past stances that blocked Merrick Garland from joining the court, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said this week that he would fill a Supreme Court vacancy in 2020. What do you think?Read more...
Government Closes Case On UFOs After Determining Sightings Just Routine Psylandorian Patrol Ships
WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the seemingly concerning events actually had a perfectly reasonable explanation, the U.S. government announced Thursday that it had closed the case on investigating recent UFO sightings after determining the crafts were just routine Psylandorian patrol ships. “After following up on…Read more...
Most Tantalizing Rumors About The PS5
The current gaming generation is winding down, which means it’s time for the next war for console supremacy to begin. Here are all the hottest leaks, rumors, and tidbits we’ve heard about Sony’s next-gen PS5.Read more...
Struggling Rainforest Cafe Adds Thousands Of Animatronic Patrons To Restaurants
HOUSTON—In a last-ditch effort to populate their otherwise empty tables, financially troubled theme restaurant chain Rainforest Cafe introduced tens of thousands of lifelike animatronic patrons to their restaurants Thursday. “We’re excited to announce that the anthropomorphic wildlife, which has been our hallmark…Read more...
‘Fortnite’ Is Having Martin Shkreli Hold An In-Game Seminar On How To Jack Up Drug Prices
Well, Fortnite fans, let’s hope you were logged on this morning, because something epic just went down off the southeast coast of Paradise Palms. After weeks of leaking teasers, Epic Games finally unveiled their latest large-scale virtual experience: At 10 a.m., they hosted a massive in-game seminar where Martin…Read more...
Robert Kraft Agrees To Take Voluntary Leave Of Absence From Orchids Of Asia Day Spa
JUPITER, FL—Insisting that he didn’t want to place an undue burden on a group of people who have served him so well, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft released a statement Thursday announcing his plans to take a voluntary leave of absence from the Orchids of Asia Day Spa. “It is incredibly difficult to walk away…Read more...
5 Things To Know About Mt. Everest
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Report: Happiness Does Not Measurably Increase Based On Zipline Ownership Once Family Owns 7 Ziplines
HAVERFORD, PA—Revealing the correlation between personal belongings and mental well-being, researchers at Haverford University published a study Thursday confirming that happiness does not measurably increase based on zipline ownership once a family owns seven ziplines. “Conventional wisdom says that the more ziplines…Read more...
Missouri Could Soon Have No Abortion Clinics
Planned Parenthood revealed that Missouri is within days of losing its last remaining health center that provides abortions due to state-level interference. What do you think?Read more...
Special Guest At Sea Lion Show Just Another Sea Lion
SAN DIEGO, CA—After waiting in mounting anticipation for nearly an hour only to be duped by an identical marine mammal, audience members voiced their disappointment Thursday in the revelation that the so-called “special guest” appearing at SeaWorld’s sea lion show was, in fact, merely an additional sea lion. “They’ve…Read more...
Man Known As The ‘American Taliban’ Released From Prison
After serving 17 years of his 20-year sentence, John Walker Lindh, known as the “American Taliban” after his capture in Afghanistan among Taliban soldiers three months after the September 11 attacks, will be released early for good behavior. What do you think?Read more...
New Louisiana Abortion Law Requires Fetuses Be Given Jazz Funeral March Through The French Quarter
BATON ROUGE, LA—Following on the heels of controversial abortion laws enacted by state legislatures across the South, Louisiana lawmakers passed a resolution this week that requires aborted fetuses to be given a full jazz funeral procession through the French Quarter. “While we recognize that women have the right to…Read more...
Deal Alert: Get ‘Kingdom Hearts III’ For Free For Next 30 Seconds While GameStop Clerk Is Dealing With Something In Back
Heads up, Square Enix fans! If you’ve been waiting to grab a copy of Kingdom Hearts III, now’s your chance because, for the next 30 seconds, it will be available for free while the GameStop clerk is doing something in the back. That’s right: This critically acclaimed action-RPG will be available for a 100% discount,…Read more...
Honey, If You Ever Have Any Questions About Sex, You Can Always Consult The Hundreds Of Pages Of Fan Fiction In My Closet
Well, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of feelings you’ve never felt before. I wish I could keep you little forever, but I can’t! It’s not always the easiest thing to talk about, but I want you to know that anytime you have a question about…Read more...
Panicked Oyster Praying That Lump It Feels Forming Only A Pearl
PORTLAND, ME—Reassuring herself that the lump she felt forming between her fleshy mantle and hard outer shell was almost certainly not worth panicking over, a Pemaquid oyster prayed fervently Wednesday that the growth was merely a pearl. “I’m sure this is nothing, but I don’t remember noticing it until the other day,…Read more...
Pros And Cons Of Facial Recognition Technology
Facial recognition technology has risen in use in various sectors, but its critics argue that it’s being implemented without sufficient consideration of its potential consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of facial recognition technology.Read more...
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