by The Onion on (#3V4KX)
In a speech on Nelson Mandela’s birthday, former President Obama warned of “strongman politics†in a veiled criticism of President Trump. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-11-26 19:16 |
by The Onion on (#3V4KY)
LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to turn over a new leaf after being ousted from his own company last week, Papa John’s founder John Schnatter announced plans Wednesday to launch a new chain of fast-casual segregated lunch counters across the Deep South. “I just want to get back to the basics of making good, home-cooked…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V4F8)
SEATTLE, WA—Calling their intended investment “$20 million down the goddamn drain,†philanthropist Bill Gates and wife Melinda released a statement Wednesday saying they were shocked to learn that the Akantome Elementary School in Ejura, Ghana had neither a plan in place nor indeed any intention to return funds…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V4B3)
SAN FRANCISCO—Signaling a major breakthrough in the field of round electric pungent brick merriment, a new aphasia study released by the University of California, San Francisco’s Department of Integrative Neuroscience Wednesday found that empty fullness brokered yellow ideas happily. “After carefully examining the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V464)
Researchers have discovered they can restore organ cells to life by injecting them with mitochondria in a method that they have already used to help human infants with heart defects. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V465)
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by The Onion on (#3V2KW)
France triumphed over the underdog Croatian team 4-2 to earn its second World Cup title, and first since hosting the tournament in 1998. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V2G9)
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by The Onion on (#3V2GA)
PALO ALTO, CA—Boasting that drivers and critics alike would be awed by the car’s pyrotechnic performance, Elon Musk announced Tuesday that every new Tesla Model 3 sold would be capable of going from zero to engulfed in flames in just 3.5 seconds. “The Model 3 is the most efficient, fastest-burning passenger car…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V1ZJ)
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by The Onion on (#3V1ZK)
People have long been fascinated by cults, and by what possesses someone to join these tightly knit, secretive, and often violent social groups. The Onion looks back at the most infamous cults in history.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V1T9)
CHICAGO—Although his move comes on a wave of rising rents and shifting demographics, area man Blake Joyner felt only moderately guilty this week about his role in gentrifying a historically Eastern European neighborhood. “Don’t get me wrong, people of Eastern European descent face their fair share of problems, but I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V1TA)
British prime minister Theresa May revealed that President Trump told her to “sue the EU†in order to successfully complete Brexit, but noted she thought the suggestion was “too brutal.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V1TB)
ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the two had really seemed to hit it off at the neighborhood barbeque, Sheila Glaspy informed her husband Mark that he had made a brand-new friend, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, you had a great time talking to Dennis tonight,†Glaspy told her husband, commenting that Mark and his new…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V08K)
Amid mounting findings about Russian interference in the 2016 election, President Trump will sit down with Vladimir Putin in an attempt to normalize relations and improve bilateral ties. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V011)
MCALLEN, TX—In an effort to teach other juvenile detainees to keep their distance, newly hired ICE agent Kevin Michelson revealed this week that he had established dominance on his first day by beating up the biggest child prisoner he could find. “Just to make sure the pecking order in this place is crystal clear, I…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TZW7)
AMES, IA—Staring wistfully in the mirror as he flexed his tanned, oversized muscles, local bodybuilder Jai Dragovich told reporters Monday that ever since he became sufficiently strong, he couldn’t help but wonder: now what? “I’ve been so busy finding out how much weight I could lift that I never paused to ask if this…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TZQT)
PALO ALTO, CA—Doubling down on a recent controversial statement he made about a British cave diver who helped free a youth soccer team from a cave in Thailand, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly insisted Monday that he would be a much more innovative pedophile than rescue worker Vernon Unsworth. “Look, the only insulting…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TZQV)
HOBOKEN, NJ—Shining new light on the words that offered you comfort just moments ago, a report released Monday found that your therapist was actually only saying that to make you feel better. According to sources, the debilitating self-hatred you feel is based in real problems you should address immediately, and it’s…Read more...
by ClickHole on ResistanceHole, shared by OnionNews t on (#3V012)
During Trump’s trip to England, protesters totally owned him in the most awesome way possible. A giant balloon of Trump as a baby flew over the streets of London to demonstrate that he is full of innocent love and infinite curiosity.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TZQW)
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Spurning the more moderate opinions of those he now regards as outsiders, total idiot Rick Thomas resorted Monday to tribalism decades before the inevitable climate catastrophe makes it necessary, confirmed sources close to the dipshit. “There’s a war going on out there, and a man has got to choose his…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TZKE)
NEW YORK—Materializing, deorbiting, and making Earthfall by the thousands, rowdy and unruly starship crews from all corners of the transhuman sphere began arriving in New York City to participate in Intergalactic Fleet Week 2018, terrestrial sources confirmed Monday. “We’ve had to upgrade our security big-time,†said…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TV49)
NEW YORK—Describing the occurrences as super realistic and disturbing, local man Brett DeMonte told reporters Friday that he keeps having the same experience where he shows up to work naked. “It’s the same situation every time: I get to the office, and when I look down, I realize that I’m standing completely…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TV08)
CADOTT, WI—Passing utterly undetected through a complex cordon of bag checks, signage specifically prohibiting drug use, and three-second upper-body pat-downs by bored part-time security personnel, modern-day Pablo Escobar and mid-level systems analyst Patrick Quaid successfully smuggled a one-hitter containing 0.2…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3TTVR)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TTVS)
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by The Onion on (#3TT3G)
LONDON—Saying the first lady’s skills were of the highest caliber he’d ever witnessed, Buckingham Palace guard Robert Addington told reporters Thursday that he was impressed by Melania Trump’s ability to never crack a smile on her visit to London. “There were all sorts of people waving in her face and yelling things…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3TT1E)
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by The Onion on (#3TSQJ)
JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Apologizing for its use of the racial epithet, president and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza Steve Ritchie announced Thursday that the company would be removing the N-word from all restaurant menus. “No matter the context, there is no place for that offensive word in our ‘Create Your Own Pizza’ section or…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TSAJ)
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by By Smoove B on (#3TS67)
Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would cross an ocean. I would even tunnel to the center of the Earth just so I could find that one perfect gemstone, lobster, or ball of lava that would turn an ordinary night into an evening of ultimate…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TQJ1)
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by The Onion on (#3TQEF)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TQA8)
LAKE BLUFF, IL—Arguing that there was no conceivable reason they should be anywhere else, local woman Nora Jay confirmed Wednesday that the good scissors weren’t in the fucking drawer where they belonged. “God damn it, where the hell are they? I don’t know how I’m supposed to finish wrapping this birthday present…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TQA9)
HAGERSTOWN, MD—Acknowledging the rodent’s hot streak over the past few weeks, local man Jackson Ramos confirmed Wednesday that his pet gerbil named Butter has been absolutely crushing it lately. “Rolling around in the clear ball, nibbling pellets, running on his wheel—God, the guy’s just been knocking it out of the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TQ5T)
HOUSTON—Concluding the emotional response occurs shortly after the initial crack and thud, a study published Wednesday in The American Journal Of Psychology has discovered a link between feelings of guilt and the bleeding man desperately clinging to your car’s hood, screaming at you to stop the vehicle.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TPWV)
NEW YORK—Shocked that the personal correspondence would take such a cold and impersonal tone, delinquent tenant Ross Grimley, 28, found the eviction notice posted on the door of his apartment to be disturbingly all business. “I thought they would at least give me a ‘good morning’ before getting down to brass tacks,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TNAJ)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3TN7B)
LONDON—The International Tennis Federation stripped Serena Williams of all titles, trophies, and other acclaimed achievements Tuesday after a painstaking review of her career revealed she has been playing with a tennis racket in each hand since making her professional debut. “Upon analysis of thousands of photos and…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TN3B)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TN3C)
NORFOLK, NE—Though currently seeking happier and more generous employment, digital marketing analyst Brandon Owens noted Tuesday that, if necessary, he can always fall back on his current job, a litany of misery that pays absolute dogshit. “I’m really lucky to have the opportunity to make calls and put out feelers at…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TMZB)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TMVC)
SUCHES, GA—Expressing frustration that he hadn’t made a mental note when he first encountered such a stellar food source, a woodpecker was reportedly having difficulty Tuesday remembering the tree where he got all those really good bugs that one time. “I know it’s somewhere in this stretch of forest, but I can’t for…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TMPT)
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by The Onion on (#3TK97)
YONKERS, NY—Expressing frustration that the popular reality TV series was being preempted to deliver such a humdrum message, viewers of ABC’s The Bachelorette were reportedly annoyed Monday after the episode was interrupted just to announce the person who will set back social progress 40 years. “It’s so obnoxious to…Read more...