The Onion

WASHINGTON—A report released Thursday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that underfunded American public schools, most of which lack even the most basic support systems, were producing students who were perfectly prepared for the remainder of their dismal public and professional lives. “We found daily…Read more...

NEW YORK—Praising the media outlet for helping relieve them of their albatross, the wealth-burdened nation expressed gratitude Thursday to America’s Finest News Source for giving them the opportunity to spend money at the recently-launched Onion store. “These mugs and T-shirts bearing the Onion logo shall finally free…Read more...

Large wildfires have increased due to both the climate warming by 1.3 degrees over the past 60 years and forest management, leading to a fivefold increase in major fires since the 1970s. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

SEATTLE—Appalled by the blatant lack of hygiene from someone they share a workspace with, employees at Avignon Public Relations were reportedly horrified Thursday that their disgusting coworker Mark Sharpe had barely bothered to wash his ass before leaving the restroom. “That’s so gross—I don’t know what he’s…Read more...

ST. LOUIS, MO—Stressing the difficulty of moving forward in a particularly trying stage of the mourning process, local widow Simone Irving told reporters Thursday that she still couldn’t bring herself to get rid of her late husband’s corpse. “I know it sounds silly, but it’s the last thing I have of him,” said Irving,…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the contemporary romantic vibe was totally different than the one he experienced in the late Clinton era, recently divorced advertising copywriter Richard Hamlin, 40, admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to navigate the college dating scene. “It’s not easy jumping back into the acton,…Read more...

Bringing to an end over a year of speculation, Amazon officially chose Long Island City, NY and Arlington, VA for their next headquarters, offering 50,000 jobs to the regions, while dividing locals who worry about rising property costs and transportation concerns. What do you think?Read more...

PERRIS, CA—Saying he was unwilling to compromise his ideals by dressing in lesser-quality garb, naked man Jon Russo confirmed Wednesday that he was refusing to let unworthy attire touch his body while he awaits the launch of new Onion store merchandise. “My body is a temple and deserves to be draped in finery of a…Read more...

NEW YORK—Excitedly gathering for a good view, the nation’s tourists announced plans Wednesday to form a wide circle around a group of guys who were doing a bunch of flips and stuff. “We’re absolutely thrilled to stand here and clap our hands along with that guy cradling a boombox, cheering them on as they spin around…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In a concentrated effort to ensure the movie set felt like a safe, supportive place for all those involved, sources confirmed Wednesday that a female director was asked if she felt comfortable filming a scene while nude. “I just wanted to do a quick check with you to make sure you’re comfortable with…Read more...

NEW YORK—Marketing the emergency auto-injector as the perfect product for romantic evenings when you and a partner go into anaphylactic shock simultaneously, Pfizer unveiled a new line of double-sided EpiPen devices Wednesday designed exclusively for lovers. “We recognized a real shortage of intimate, life-saving…Read more...

Red Dead Redemption 2 has received nearly universal acclaim since its release in October when it had the second-most profitable entertainment product debut in history. The Onion answers common questions about playing the open-world Western game.Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the hostile behavior helped Americans feel empowered and liberated, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that the nation gets out all of its aggression during monthly phone calls to their wireless provider to fix their service. “Whenever I feel pure, unadulterated rage…Read more...

Despite its denuclearization pledges, North Korea may be operating smaller, hidden missile bases, satellite analysis found. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Shedding considerable light on the acclaimed fantasy epic’s long-awaited conclusion, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Tuesday revealing that the show’s final season will be cobbled together from old footage. “We’re excited to confirm that the final season will focus on previously aired scenes…Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Citing its longtime commitment to the promotion of safety among firearm enthusiasts, the National Rifle Association published a series of pointers Tuesday on how to keep safe while carrying out a mass shooting. “Every gun owner should know the NRA’s fundamental safety rules so they can avoid being tackled…Read more...

NEW YORK—Championing the decision as a necessary step to make the “Big Apple” more tech-friendly, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio announced Tuesday that the subway is just for Amazon employees now. “All 8.6 million New York City residents not employed by Amazon or an Amazon subsidiary are prohibited from using MTA…Read more...

A new poll reveals support for Democrats impeaching Trump is tepid, with half of voters saying they oppose the possibility and only 31 percent supporting it. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States surgeon general Dr. Jerome Adams confirmed Tuesday that occasionally indulging in a bit of blow here and there would not, in fact, kill you. “While it should go without saying that the surgeon general’s…Read more...

More money was spent in the 2018 election cycle than any previous midterm cycle. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

STANFORD, CA—Based on a compilation of data revealing their jealousy and negativity loud and clear, relationship experts confirmed Tuesday that “He’s not right for you,” because they must not want to see you happy. “Our extensive study shows that you might be better off with someone else,” read a summary of the…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Voters in Michigan passed a measure Tuesday legalizing pot sales, while Utah and Missouri added themselves to the growing roster of 33 states where medical marijuana is legal. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Citing her can-do spirit, belief in her own talents, and considerable trust fund, aspiring screenwriter and playwright Dasha Rothwell confirmed Monday that she was confident she had the safety net it would take to achieve her dreams. “I truly feel I have what it takes to pursue my creative and personal…Read more...

Stressing that Europe could no longer depend on the U.S. for protection, French president Emmanuel Macron called for a trans-European army amongst EU member states. What do you think?Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Noting that students felt increasingly ambivalent about assuming celestial roles, researchers at the University of Notre Dame published a study Monday that revealed only 20 percent of seminary school graduates go on to become God. “Most students decide right before the graduation ceremony that they…Read more...

ATHENS, OH—Responding to their grandfather’s longtime silence on the subject, the family of World War II veteran Thomas Withers told reporters Monday that they figured the reason he never talked about serving was probably because nothing interesting happened to him. “Grandpa never discusses being stationed in…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming that the federal government was taking swift action to help those suffering in California, FEMA officials assured wildfire victims Monday that a bucket brigade is nearly over the Maryland state line. “The FEMA emergency response team is currently standing shoulder to shoulder in a line stretching…Read more...

Read more...

CHICAGO—Exclaiming and pushing past each other as they jockeyed for a clear view of the screen, friends of local man Carl Michaels excitedly gathered around his phone Monday to watch the shaky footage he had recorded of a recent Mt. Joy concert. “Whoa, the audio is so distorted that you can barely even make out what…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

PUERTO BAQUERIZO MORENO, ECUADOR—Describing an astounding variety of naturalists previously unknown to science, a team of ecologists from Stanford University announced Friday the discovery of more than 400 species of Charles Darwin living in the Galápagos Islands.Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

More than 100 women will take seats in the House of Representatives next year, a high watermark for nationwide representation. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—In a matter-of-fact press release addressed to “consumers who might be interested in this sort of thing,” ConAgra Foods informally announced Friday that their Reddi-Wip nozzles can easily fit into most orifices on the human body. “Since our founding in 1948, we’ve been committed to providing Americans with…Read more...

NEW YORK CITY—Emphasizing that the discovery had put the residents of New York in grave danger, officials warned Friday against flushing feminine hygiene products after discovering an 8-foot-long, 250-pound tampon lurking in the sewers. “While the tampon may have started out just a few inches long at first, its…Read more...

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the Mediterranean diet can, in fact, add years to one’s life, but only by taking them away from others. “Our study confirms that a diet rich in foods such as olive oil, fish, and green vegetables can extend one’s…Read more...

Just like any relationship, friendships can reach a point where they’re not beneficial to both participants, but ending one gracefully can be complicated. The Onion offers the best tips for ending a friendship.Read more...

Read more...

HOUSTON, TX—Predicting that the upcoming lunar looks would delight stargazers all over the world, astronomers confirmed Friday that the moon will have dozens of new phases in 2019. “We are excited to announce that as of next year, the moon will add several new and exciting shapes to its usual crescent-shaped phases,”…Read more...

Read more...

In a Wednesday press conference, President Trump said that he hopes to work together with the newly victorious House Democrats on issues ranging from infrastructure to drug pricing. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...