by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R76T)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-27 00:31 |
5 Unrealistic Expectations Porn Creates In Relationships Between Horny MILFS And Their Hung Stepsons
by Sofia Manfredi on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews t on (#3R76V)
Pornography is a huge factor in how people perceive sex. Unfortunately, it often depicts sex in faulty and exaggerated ways, and those inaccurate portrayals can affect real relationships in a real ways. Here are five unrealistic expectations that porn creates between horny MILFS and their absolutely hung stepsons.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R6X3)
NEW YORK—Dismissing past versions as outdated and totally ill-suited for the modern pancake breakfast, HarperCollins announced Friday that the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette would be updated to include a chapter on how to properly lick maple syrup off of your plate. “Remember, after finishing an order of…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R56E)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3R4Z0)
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Rewarding their longtime fans for their loyalty, Radiohead has re-released their career-defining 2000 album Kid A with remastered original skits. “After years of workshopping and late nights in the studio, we are proud to announce the release of the new Platinum Edition Kid A with all-new remastered…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R4Z1)
A JetBlue affiliate that offers private jet flights has signed up to buy up to 100 hybrid-electric planes produced by startup Zunum Aero. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3R16W)
NEW YORK—Selling out the entire venue and filling the standing room to capacity, thousands of fans flocked to Yankee Stadium Friday to proudly celebrate asshole heritage night. “Today, we honor the contributions and history of the many jackasses who have played for the New York Yankees as well as the pricks who…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3R0V7)
LOS ANGELES—Noting the interest generated by the extensive television coverage of Harvey Weinstein’s arraignment on sexual assault charges, Hollywood producer Jeff Moss admitted Friday that he can’t stop thinking about the giant pile of money he could make off a movie about the unfolding scandal. “What Harvey did to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R0V8)
President Trump pulled out of a planned June meeting with North Korea in a letter citing “hostility†displayed in a recent statement, apparently alluding to a North Korean official mocking Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R0V9)
BOSTON—Positively salivating at the unsuspecting customer moving in her direction, flight attendant Melissa Holmes reportedly licked her lips Friday as a traveler approached the gate with a large suitcase. “Yeah, that’s right—take that overpacked Samsonite and come to Mama,†said Holmes, rubbing her hands together…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3R0KV)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R0KW)
ALLENTOWN, PA—Purporting to read right through the grandstanding handbill, sources confirmed Friday that there could be absolutely no way Muhlenberg College’s Japan Society could fulfill the lofty promises made by their poster on the Trexler Memorial Library’s bulletin board. “Do these bullshitters really expect me to…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3R0KX)
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by ClickHole on ResistanceHole, shared by OnionNews t on (#3R0VA)
Fellow liberal activists, get ready to feel for this guy, because he’s living out any #Resistance member’s absolute nightmare: His uncle is racist, but not quite racist enough for him to get any viral content out of it.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R09K)
White House senior advisor Jared Kushner had his security clearance restored after temporarily losing it amid the uncertainty of the special counsel’s ongoing investigation. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R09M)
NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m.…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R09N)
THE COSMOS—Jumping into His primer-gray Chevy and booking it away from the sum totality of all existence, the Lord God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Out of Darkness, fled the Universe with $250 in cash, heavenly sources reported. “See you later, assholes!†said the Supreme Being,…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3R0KZ)
Here at ClickHole, user security is not something we treat lightly. That’s why we want you to know that we are beefing up our privacy policy so everyone feels safe and comfortable when visiting the site. Rest assured, the exploitation of your information is something ClickHole takes incredibly seriously, as our entire…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QYWG)
A recently passed NFL policy will require players to cease kneeling on the field, forcing them to either stand for the national anthem or stay in the locker room, an option that had previously not been available. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QYSB)
WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un fell through. “Unfortunately, so long as the aforementioned Nuclear Summit remains…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QYSA)
WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un fell through. “Unfortunately, so long as the aforementioned Nuclear Summit remains…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3QYH0)
GREEN BAY, WI—Expressing concern that the latest film might let fans like him down, area man Tom Molina was doubtful Thursday that Solo: A Star Wars Story could ever live up to Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger. “I really hope the movie can match the immersive, world-building experience I had eating the Blaster Fire Burger,…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3QYD7)
DENVER—Promising that it was really easy to get up there once you duck through the kitchen window, local man Alex Butler told his friends Thursday that you just have to climb a ladder, hop a 2-foot gap, and scale the wall to see the view from his apartment roof. “You won’t believe how great it looks up there guys,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QYD8)
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—A general education study conducted by the College Of William & Mary’s School of Education found the average American citizen receives 87 percent of their knowledge concerning the geography, ecology, and history of the United States from the graphics of “America’s Moving Adventure†featured on the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QY7S)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3QXRR)
DANVERS, MA—Observing the potentially suspicious behavior from a monitor bay in the entertainment center’s control room, Chuck E. Cheese’s pit boss Lance Kessler reportedly told a floor attendant Thursday to keep an eye on a guest who kept winning big at skee-ball. “Our friend at machine 12 seems to be on one hell of…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QXKQ)
The summer of 2018 promises to offer the typical onslaught of blockbusters, thrillers, and occasional artsy fare. The Onion takes a look at the most anticipated movies of the summer of 2018.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3QXKR)
FRANKLIN, TN—Wiping away bittersweet tears as the lights dimmed and the lovely couple took the floor for the first time as widower and wife, attendees at the funeral of Martha Bowers got misty-eyed Thursday during the traditional first dance with the corpse. “You could just see the love in [Phillip Bowers’] eyes when…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QXKS)
A sinkhole spotted roped-off on the White House’s North Lawn appears to be growing larger daily, journalists say. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3QWD8)
TAMPA BAY, FL—Watching with puzzled concern as his team ran onto the field and began shoving the opposing players, Boston Red Sox physician Adam Foster told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear if he should join a bench-clearing brawl with the Tampa Bay Rays. “I’m always happy to help the team, but I’m not sure if…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3QVY0)
LOS ANGELES—After a nine-season run featuring the 39th president of the United States exploring the history, manufacturing, and culture surrounding the versatile legume, Netflix announced Wednesday the cancellation of Jimmy Carter’s World Of Peanuts. “Despite our great appreciation for President Carter’s entertaining,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QVY1)
WASHINGTON—Finding themselves increasingly annoyed with the inexplicable and infuriating persistence of their feeble socioeconomic inferiors, America’s rich and powerful were at a loss Wednesday as to exactly when the rest of the country would finally relinquish all hope and simply give up, sources close to the 1…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QVY2)
President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office that there was a “very substantial chance†that the summit with North Korea would not work out in June, but noted it may still occur at a later date. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3QVY3)
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by The Onion on (#3QVMV)
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by The Onion on (#3QVMW)
TORONTO—Clarifying the storyline for fans of her book and its television adaptation, author Margaret Atwood announced Wednesday that the handmaids in her best-selling novel The Handmaid’s Tale are supposed to be aliens. “I appreciate the conversations about patriarchy and feminism my book has sparked, but what I wrote…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3QV9Z)
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by The Onion on (#3QVA0)
Former presidential couple Barack and Michelle Obama announced a production deal with Netflix in which they will produce television shows and films for the streaming service. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3QVA1)
INDIANAPOLIS—Quietly chewing on a piece of crust as he waited for his connecting flight to arrive, local man Brett Harding silently ate a personal pizza alone in a corner at the Indianapolis International Airport Wednesday, all while having no idea that it would be the best part of his upcoming seven-day vacation.…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3QVA2)
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by The Onion on (#3QSNA)
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced he will run for re-election as an independent on a platform that will include a $15 national minimum wage, Medicare for all, and free tuition at public universities. What do you think?Read more...
by By The Onion on (#3QSNB)
The Onion, in recent days, has attempted to contend with a serious legal threat issued in 2013 by the president’s personal attorney. In exchange for removing an offending piece written by Mr. Trump, titled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years,†our publication hoped for a speedy…Read more...
Whether You Lean To The Right Or Lean To The Left, Can We All Just Agree To Cha-Cha Real Smooth Now?
by By A Wedding DJ on (#3QSHB)
As we look out across this dance floor, and across the broader spectrum of our culture, it is tempting to conclude we are a nation hopelessly divided. After all, the issues that separate us are very real. However, I refuse to believe we will find solutions to our problems by retreating further into our respective…Read more...