by The Onion on (#3RP5B)
French game publisher Ubisoft confirmed Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, the next installment in its popular stealth action series, will take place in ancient Greece. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-11-30 06:32 |
by The Onion on (#3RM5W)
BROWNSVILLE, TX—Racking his brain for something that he could say to stop the child from crying, ICE agent Don Neville was reportedly trying Monday to think of a fun name for a jail cell before locking up a 5-year-old immigrant. “I really thought it would work when I told him he was going to the ‘fun cave,’ but he…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RM0B)
In a memo denying a presidential interview with the Special Counsel, Donald Trump’s lawyers argue that the president cannot obstruct justice because he has constitutional authority over all federal investigations. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RM0C)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3RM0D)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RKT2)
CHICAGO—Noting that the gregarious bastard got pretty shy real damn quick once his little playmate disappeared, public transit sources confirmed Monday that a certain talkative motherfucker isn’t so extroverted now that his buddy has gotten off the train. “Well, well, well. Seems Mr. Conversation ain’t such a…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RKN4)
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by The Onion on (#3RKGC)
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by The Onion on (#3RKGD)
GARY, IN—Hailing his totally nonexistent body of work as an “act of pure genius,†literary experts at Indiana University on Monday praised legendary author Anthony Krause, a recluse who has never published a single piece of writing. “From his remote cabin in Indiana, the brilliant Mr. Krause has yet to release a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RKGE)
A study in the journal Futures found that the low-gravity environment of Mars, combined with small colony sizes, will likely make conception and pregnancy very difficult and will possibly require the bioengineering of a new kind of human being. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RKGF)
GENEVA—A coalition of scientists at CERN announced this morning that the Universe, the accumulation of matter and energy that makes up everything that is, will end abruptly next Friday. “The totality of existence as we know it, including time, space, all distributed matter throughout our reality, and all 11…Read more...
by ClickHole on ResistanceHole, shared by OnionNews t on (#3RKT3)
Fair warning to all you Drumpf lovers out there: You might want to keep scrolling past this story, because a Resistance smackdown this epic may be too much for you to handle: A student in this Toledo, OH high school wore a MAGA hat to class, and his incredible teacher’s amazing response was to completely stop having…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RG5B)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RF1J)
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by The Onion on (#3REXQ)
DAYTON, OH—Grumbling in quiet disbelief as he watched a 12-year-old struggle through the third syllable of “molluscivorous,†former Scripps Spelling Bee champion Alex Vinay spent Thursday afternoon sitting in front of the TV and mouthing bitterly along with current Scripps contestants. “Come on, seriously? It’s so…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RENF)
SANTA ROSA, CA—Urging anyone with flooding orifices to return the product immediately, neti pot manufacturer NasaFlo recalled 25,000 units Friday after a defect caused water to shoot out of customers’ eyes and ears. “If properly placed up against your nasal passage, our products should never, under any circumstances,…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RENG)
GLENCOE, IL—Acknowledging that the decision was distressing but ultimately the correct course of action, Chicago Botanic Garden officials confirmed Friday that they were forced to euthanize a rose bush after it pricked a child. “This morning, we made the difficult choice to end the life of our 15-year-old rose bush…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3REGR)
British researchers have shown that targeting protein N-myristoyltransferase could be effective and safe in eliminating the common cold in human cells, saying they will move onto animal trials next. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3REGS)
NEW YORK—Explaining that downsizing was an unfortunate necessity in the challenging media landscape, FiveThirtyEight announced Friday that they would be laying off dozens of the site’s top algorithms. “While these data programs have provided readers with countless insights into sports and politics over the past few…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3REGT)
ANKENY, IA—Saying it didn’t take a trained professional to spot the woman’s serious hygiene issue, area dentist Robert Cowan confirmed Friday that he could tell his patient hasn’t been brushing her hair. “Most people at least try to brush right before their appointment, but this lady clearly hasn’t bothered to clean…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RCR4)
Stephen King—long known for his disdain of Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of The Shining—reportedly criticizes the director in his new novel, The Outsiders, with a character watching the film Paths of Glory and noting it is “at least better than The Shining.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RCH7)
PHOENIX—Remarking that he wished to one day care so much about another person, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Howe decided Thursday that he wants to have kids of his own after seeing the love and devotion of the immigrant parents begging him not to take their child. “I always said kids weren’t for…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RC6T)
DESERT GULCH, AZ—Saying the incident had led him to fully reconsider his past behavior, town drunk Gus McCord told reporters Thursday that a bender culminating in him kissing a mule in a wedding dress right on the lips had served as a major wake-up call. “Heck, I reckon there’s no bigger eye-opener than lifting the…Read more...
by Steve Etheridge on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews on (#3RCBW)
Taking time out of their busy schedules to discuss matters of mutual importance, President Donald Trump and reality star Kim Kardashian convened in the Oval Office yesterday to let each other know that they’ve been on TV. After greeting one another with a prolonged series of bows to convey respect, the high profile…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RC1J)
U.S. Air Force airmen at a base that guards nuclear missiles have been linked to a drug ring that uses LSD as well as ecstasy, cocaine, and marijuana. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RC1K)
CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RAAK)
After a racist tweet posted by creator Roseanne Barr, ABC has canceled plans for a second season of highly watched sitcom Roseanne. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R9YX)
SEATTLE—Irrevocably changed after attending a mandatory training session on racial bias, the nation’s Starbucks employees reportedly returned to work Wednesday radicalized and united behind a new credo stating that “coffee cultivation merely extends the system of colonial oppression.†“Welcome to Starbucks, you…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R9YY)
OXFORD, MS—Sensing that their colleague had suddenly moved up in the world, break room sources at Randall Elementary School reported Wednesday that fifth-grade teacher Patricia Adams—who was earlier spotted with a new set of chalk holders—must have come into some money recently. “Damn, looks like Patty’s become…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R9YZ)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R9Z0)
NEW YORK—Finding himself unable to tolerate the continuing stubborn refusal to address the real issues at hand, apartment dweller Jordan Stills has declared himself “sick and tired†Wednesday of hearing his upstairs neighbors skirt around the core conflict of their long-running argument. “Christ! Stop screaming about…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R9SS)
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by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3R9Z1)
The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3R9ST)
LOS ANGELES—In the wake of the hit sitcom’s sudden cancellation, Roseanne showrunner Bruce Helford expressed disappointment Wednesday that no one would ever see the episode where the title character discovers the truth behind the Seth Rich homicide, cracking the case wide open. “It’s truly a shame that the public will…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R9N7)
Twenty-two-year-old Malian migrant Mamoudou Gassama—nicknamed “Spider-Man†for courageously scaling an apartment building and rescuing an infant—has been made a French citizen and offered a job by the city fire department. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R9N8)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3R822)
PHILADELPHIA—In response to the abrupt cancellation of the hit series Roseanne the media watchdog group FactCheck.org blasted ABC Tuesday for its unrealistic portrayal of racists actually facing consequences for their actions. “This just does not represent how things actually work in America,†said spokesperson Rachel…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3R7YX)
ROCK ISLAND, IL—Noting that the ceremony’s esteemed guest of honor sure seemed like a cocky motherfucker, attendees of Augustana College’s graduation Sunday reported that the hotshot commencement speaker just jumped straight into his speech without even defining the word “courage.†“Well, well, well—not even a single…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R7YY)
Director James Cameron, known for films such as Terminator and Avatar, has warned that climate change will destroy the Great Barrier Reef unless humanity takes immediate action. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R7VA)
DUBLIN—Predicting pregnant women will visit their clinics in droves, physicians in Ireland confirmed Tuesday they were bracing themselves for the wave of fetuses that will be aborted 12 weeks after the festivities held to celebrate the landslide referendum that struck down the nation’s abortion ban. “When late August…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3R7VB)
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by Dave Osterman - Blogger on ResistanceHole, shared on (#3R7VC)
Now that the whole story about two innocent black men being arrested in one of its stores is a distant memory, Starbucks has made the baffling decision to waste a huge amount of everyone’s time and attention today by closing down for anti-bias training even though the #Resistance has moved on and we’re mad about other…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3R7KD)
SEATTLE—Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured critics Tuesday that Alexa’s stored audio can be deleted by simply rappelling into company headquarters, maneuvering through an intricate laser field, and destroying every server…Read more...