The Onion

ST. LOUIS, MO—Explaining that the severity of the situation called for desperate and perhaps even borderline extreme measures, recently dumped woman Ruth Beneke, 26, called her wildest friend up from the bench of associates and acquaintances Thursday in order to help her ease the pain from a recent breakup. “I have so…Read more...

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A recent study found that 42 percent of cancer patients diagnosed between 2002 and 2012 lost their life savings and 62 percent reported being in debt due to their treatment. What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—A study published Thursday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that the effectiveness of medical treatment skyrockets when the doctor acts like a condescending dick. “Our research proves that a patient’s long-term prognosis is directly and positively tied to having an MD who is an unrepentant,…Read more...

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PITCAIRN ISLANDS—Excited at the prospect of gifting the prized relic to his beloved new spouse, a romantic Prince Harry reportedly surprised Meghan Markle Thursday with one of his family’s heirloom colonies. “I’m so in love with Meghan that I knew I wanted to do something truly special for her, just because. I know it…Read more...

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TULSA, OK—Describing the experience as “no fucking picnic,” an as-yet-unnamed newborn protruding halfway out of his mother’s vagina confirmed Thursday that the 14-hour labor experience had not exactly been a cakewalk for him, either. “Just so we’re clear, this sucks for me, too. I would love to get someone to wipe the…Read more...

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Elon Musk’s Boring Company announced that it will open a proof-of-concept high-speed tunnel beneath Los Angeles on Dec. 10 and offer free rides to visitors on the following day, teasing the potential future of transportation. What do you think?Read more...

EVANSTON, IL—In yet another example of the increasingly polarized cultural landscape, a new poll released Wednesday by Northwestern University found that Americans continue to be fiercely divided along Charlotte Brontë–Emily Brontë lines. “Emily still has a strong base in the heartland, but attributing her support to…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Assuring you that you’re tantalizingly close to being able to slough off the various horrors of the world around you upon the video game’s Friday release, a report published Wednesday stated that just two more days and you can forget all of this and vanish into Red Dead Redemption 2. “Less than 48 hours…Read more...

Christie’s, a global auctioneer headquartered in London, is selling several of Stephen Hawking’s personal effects, including his dissertation, thesis, and iconic wheelchair for $12,600 in an auction to benefit his foundation for preventing motor neuron diseases. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Surveying the unfamiliar terrain in which he found himself, bus passenger Aaron Coleman deduced by his surroundings Wednesday that he had either not yet reached his desired stop or passed his stop a long time ago. “I must’ve spaced out during this part of my trip, because none of this looks quite right. Either…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Touting its mission to advance the interests of democracy by keeping Americans informed ahead of the Nov. 6 vote, an election-crazed New York Times announced Tuesday an expansion of its poll coverage to 18.5 million more races in 371 additional states. “We’re proud to say we’ve dispatched teams of reporters…Read more...

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Newly released surveillance footage shows a man wearing murdered Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s clothes on the day he entered Saudi Arabia’s consulate, adding evidence to the details of the Saudi cover-up operation. What do you think?Read more...

DRAGON’S KEEP—Admitting that the troves of valuable items scattered everywhere made it difficult for him to put food on the table, video game blacksmith Torg Nailbender was reportedly struggling Monday to compete with all the random chests full of free armor all over the kingdom. “It’s hard to make a buck when all any…Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Admitting that it had been a long time since the pair had been in sync with each other, local couple Toby Moss and Kate Rosen acknowledged Tuesday that they were beginning to feel like they just didn’t have any TV shows in common anymore. “When Kate and I first started dating, it seemed like we enjoyed…Read more...

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LAMAR, OK—Without ever diverting his eyes from the tiny blinking window in the right margin of the website he initially came to 20 minutes ago, local man Jack Calderon told reporters Tuesday he’s doing really well at the slot machine demo embedded in the ad in the corner of his computer screen. “I’m just getting…Read more...

A new report from the CDC revealed that more than 2 million middle and high school students have used an e-cigarette to vape marijuana. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to simultaneously improve and diminish public perception of the ride-sharing company, Uber announced the hiring of a top marketing and consulting firm Tuesday to help decrease awareness of their brand. “We’re poised on the cusp of a major IPO, so the last thing we need is our remarkably…Read more...

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UCAYALI REGION, PERU—Entering an altered state of consciousness after sipping from a sacred bowl containing the entheogenic brew prepared by a Shipibo shaman, Susan G. Komen president Ellen Willmott achieved total breast cancer awareness Monday during a three-day ayahuasca retreat. “I see it all before me now, why,…Read more...

An EPA report found that harmful greenhouses gas emissions declined during President Trump’s first year in office due to the cheaper cost of natural gas, although critics say they may rise again due to market forces and changed emissions regulations. What do you think?Read more...

ISTANBUL—Saying he would “never live down” the faux pas, a Saudi operative confirmed Monday that he was mortified after seeing surveillance footage that revealed he recently wore the exact same outfit as murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “Oh, man, this is so embarrassing. I spent a lot of time putting that outfit…Read more...

KENNER, LA—Sharing the key factor that had the greatest impact on his durability, 104-year-old Wallace Skinner revealed Monday that the secret to long life was being cursed by a witch to eternally wander the Earth. “I do the crossword every morning, I have a glass of scotch with dinner every night, and in 1937, an…Read more...

KENT, WA—Noting that there’s simply not room in his life for both a serious commitment and the numerous serialized dramas he’s currently watching, local man Rob Anaya told reporters he’s thankful to be single during the golden age of television. “Things have just been going so well recently with Man In The High Castle…Read more...

Based on self-reported voter enthusiasm and high primary turnout, pollsters are predicting a 50-year record of turnout for midterms this year, with over 50 percent of eligible voters likely to participate. What do you think?Read more...

ITHACA, NY—Confirming long-held suspicions surrounding bipedal commuting, researchers at Cornell University published a study Monday that found stepping forward with one foot, followed by taking the subsequent step with the other foot and then repeating the sequence as necessary, remains the best method of walking by…Read more...

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Special Counsel Robert Mueller is expected to issue findings on core aspects of his Russia probe soon after the midterm elections, including addressing questions of collusion and obstruction of justice. What do you think?Read more...

MILWAUKEE—Emphasizing he was not going to apologize for playing hard, Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Manny Machado denied that he was a dirty player after a late slide into Corey Knebel on the pitcher’s mound. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him, that was just a normal spikes-first dive into someone’s shin at the pitcher’s…Read more...

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President Donald Trump’s reelection campaign has received more than $106 million for his bid for reelection in 2020, new Federal Election Commission reports show. What do you think?Read more...

STORRS, CT—Shedding considerable light on a previously mystifying aspect of accidental avian death, a new study from the University of Connecticut has found that direct frontal impacts with clouds kill over 5 million birds every year. “Our observations, some of them quite harrowing, demonstrate that controlled,…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Confirming the link between emergency landings and high-stakes brawls on an airplane’s wing, the Federal Aviation Administration released a new study Friday claiming that 64 percent of all jetliner engine failures are caused by henchmen being kicked into the planes’ turbines. “Our data revealed that nearly…Read more...

BOSTON—Hailing the new product as the future of non-hormonal birth control, Mirena announced Friday that it had released the world’s first 10-blade intrauterine sperm shredder. “Mirena’s 30-mm stainless steel sperm shredder is designed to chop gametes into a microscopic spray the second they enter the female uterus,”…Read more...

NEW YORK—Providing insight into the process by which the company creates its wildly successful line of health-oriented snacks, KIND Bar CEO Daniel Lubetzky admitted Friday that company personnel “just sort of find the bars like that.” “Our factory isn’t so much a traditional production facility as it is a…Read more...

SEATTLE—After a search for a new location lasting more than a year, a massive dome was seen descending from the sky and enclosing the whole nation Friday as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced to a horrified American populace that it was now living inside his company’s second headquarters.Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—In an uncharacteristically frank and revelatory discussion of his inspirations and creative process, Radiohead frontman and solo artist Thom Yorke admitted Thursday that the vast majority of music he makes is fueled solely by the constant fear of being one-upped by British rock band Coldplay. “When I…Read more...

TULSA, OK—Wondering why nobody bothered to tell him about the far easier alternative this whole time, sprinter Eric Powell admitted Thursday that he feels like a total idiot after finding out about jogging. “Jesus, I can’t believe I’ve been working my ass off, pushing myself to run as fast as humanly possible when I…Read more...

A federal district court judge denied Paul Manafort’s request to wear a suit in court, saying he should wear prison garb just like any other defendant post-conviction. What do you think?Read more...

HINSDALE, IL—Saying the money was already burning a hole in his pocket, lottery ticket holder Frank Cantrell confirmed Thursday that he had preemptively spent $900 million in anticipation of winning the Mega Millions jackpot. “Maybe I got ahead of myself with the yacht and helicopter purchases, but after this weekend…Read more...

SOUTH DEERFIELD, MA—Offering sincere apologies to customers for the misunderstanding, Yankee Candle clarified Thursday that their product has only ever been intended to be dripped on testicles. “I guess we could have put some sort of instructions on the label, but we assumed everyone already knew they were for melting…Read more...