by The Onion on (#3VK5H)
Facing boycotts and reported frustration over conflicts of interest, First Daughter Ivanka Trump shut down her fashion line, which sells accessories like handbags, perfume, and heels. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
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| Updated | 2024-11-26 19:16 |
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3VJPC)
NEW YORK—Sending a message that they would no longer stand for dismissive treatment and inflated payrolls, owners from all four major U.S. professional sports leagues voted Wednesday to unionize. “We the owners have been exploited for too long, and with unionization, we can secure the basic rights we’ve never had as…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VJPD)
IRVING, TX—In the first convenience-oriented change to their fundamental principles since the group’s founding, advocacy nonprofit Mothers Against Drunk Driving released a public service announcement Wednesday clarifying their platform to allow for driving under the influence of alcohol if circumstances would make it…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VJHM)
EAST LANSING, MI—Flushed with embarrassment after uttering the phrase “Have a delicious day!†countless times throughout her Wednesday morning shift at Everything Nice Bakery, cashier Guila Charlton expressed indignation that company policy forced her and her coworkers to incorporate the insipid affirmation into every…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VJD7)
The widespread presence of bots on the internet has driven concerns about their effects on social media, cybersecurity, and public discourse, but internet bots are far from a new phenomenon. The Onion takes a look at the history of bots on the internet.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VJD8)
NEW YORK—Her heart pounding, her hands balling reflexively into fists, and her eyes furtively darting around the room for potential witnesses to her confrontation with her old nemesis, systems analyst and supposedly former pastry enthusiast Katy Gilmartin found herself whispering “Who? Who sent you here?†to the large…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VJ80)
The Papa John’s board of directors adopted a so-called “poison pill†provision aimed to prevent former CEO John Schnatter from gaining more control of the company after he used the N-word on a conference call. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VGHV)
FRESNO, CA—Noting that the constant arrogant comments were starting to irritate the entire 22-ounce canister of dried fruit, sources reported Tuesday that an embittered raisin wouldn’t shut up about how, if only the right opportunity had come along, it could have been wine. “This raisin just goes on and on, telling us…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VGEE)
Facing numerous sexual assault allegations, R&B singer R. Kelly released “I Admit,†a 19-minute song in which he denies accusation of pedophilia and sexual slavery while admitting to other mistakes. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VGEG)
CORNUDAS, TX—In response to growing issues with its population of juvenile detainees, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency reportedly announced on Tuesday the opening of a new supermax detention center to house its most hardened toddlers. “The Hudspeth County Maximum Correctional Facility is designed to…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VGAA)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VG59)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VG5A)
CLEVELAND, OH—Carefully evaluating the effect that displaying the photograph would have on the image of someone his age, 27-year-old systems analyst Martin Lambert disclosed Tuesday that he was unsure if he could pull off keeping a framed picture of his wife on his office desk. “On the one hand, it would absolutely be…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VG5B)
A recent report found that annual death rates from alcohol-related illnesses jumped an average of 10 percent each year in the past decade for people between the ages of 25 and 34. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VG0Z)
GUTHRIE CENTER, IA—Explaining how the matriarch had upstaged the competition with impressive decorations, thoughtful gifts, and delicious cake, area 9-year-old Lucy Astrid confirmed Tuesday that her Nana J. reclaimed the top spot from her Gram Gram following an exceptional birthday outing last week. “Gram Gram was…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3VFW6)
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by The Onion on (#3VE99)
Researchers found that the Bajau people—residents of the Philippines and Malaysia renowned for their free-diving abilities—inherited their breath-holding capacities genetically through enlarged spleens. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VE5D)
SIOUX CITY, IA—Dismayed by the apparent impossibility of finding a nice place to sit for a second without causing a huge commotion, western honey bee HBW/A395-630-G6 reportedly wished Monday that it could hang around its traditional resting place, an open soda can, without people totally freaking out. “Jesus Christ,…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3VDY9)
CHICAGO—Dedicating the track to all those who have blindly supported him over the years, singer R. Kelly released an emotional new song Monday thanking fans for their continued, unwavering acceptance of his sex crimes. “When I’m accused of sexual assault (assault) / Thanks for finding the victims at fault (fault),â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VDYA)
MT. HOREB, WI—Saying they have “no earthly clue†exactly when it’s okay to enter and exit, all of the drivers currently in the roundabout at Springdale and 8th Street admitted Monday that they’re pretty much “just winging it†whenever they pass through. “Who has the right of way? What does a yield sign really mean? I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VDT6)
Timothée Chalamet is in talks to star in a two-part adaptation of Frank Herbert’s classic novel Dune as directed by Denis Villeneuve. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3V9NG)
PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to boost attendance and reward fan’s patience with the young, error-prone ballclub, the Philadelphia Phillies announced a new promotion Friday offering fans free pizza if the team doesn’t blow any easy on plays while on defense in the top of the 5th inning. “We’re excited to offer our…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V9BJ)
COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at the bronzed perfection of the figure lounging in Goodale Park, sources confirmed Friday that homeless man Eddie Kowalcek had a really nice summer tan going. “Wow, that guy just looks incredible,†said Spencer Dawson, 26, adding that the evenly tanned homeless schizophrenic must have spent…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V98C)
The World Health Organization declared a major milestone after eliminating trachoma, a debilitating disease that causes blindness in sufferers, in seven countries, and making significant inroads in others. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V956)
ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V90Z)
SAN DIEGO—Reflecting while exiting the packed Indigo Ballroom, local Comic-Con attendee Matt Donnelly told reporters Friday that he guessed he enjoyed the 60-minute panel wherein comic-book writer Alan Moore silently masturbated and performed sex magic rituals. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping he’d talk about creating …Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V8WR)
INDIANAPOLIS—Frustrated by the heaps of soiled red polo shirts accumulating in her living room, Peyton Manning’s wife quietly asked Friday how much longer disgraced fast-food mogul and pitchman “Papa†John Schnatter would be crashing on their couch. “Honey, I didn’t mind when you said it would be a couple of nights,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V8WS)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V8WT)
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by The Onion on (#3V8R3)
Charred remains of a flatbread baked 14,500 years ago were found in the Eastern Mediterranean, revealing it was made thousands of years before humans began farming. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V8R4)
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by The Onion on (#3V8R5)
BERKELEY, CA—Flexing their imaginations to the limit in an attempt to conceive how the majestic creatures may have lived all those centuries ago, scientists at University of California, Berkeley met Friday to theorize about what the first dinosaur researchers may have looked like. “Of course we can’t create an exact…Read more...
by Jewel Galbraith on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews on (#3V8R6)
Mark Zuckerberg faced enormous public backlash this week after he defended Holocaust deniers’ right to disseminate their views on Facebook, but this morning he stepped up to allay Facebook users’ concerns in a big way: Zuckerberg announced that from now on, Facebook will rigorously vet the articles posted on its site…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V77N)
ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6ZF)
Comic-Con, the nation’s premier comics convention, kicks off this year’s iteration with previews of The Predator, Doctor Who, and the new slate of DC comic book movies. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V6VQ)
NORTH HAMPTON, MA—Saying that he wouldn’t let his disability define him, recently paralyzed man Matthew Sabourne told reporters Thursday he was determined to maintain his normal sedentary lifestyle despite his new physical challenges. “I caught a tough break with the accident, but I’ll be damned if I let this injury…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6VR)
SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Addressing concerns that the naming practice could unfairly bias consumers against the products, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement Thursday strongly defending the decision to reclassify alternative milks as “nut sweat.†“While we hope this new labeling helps clarify shopping…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V6PV)
NORFOLK, VA—Saying that the task is the sort of thing he usually prefers to do himself, restaurant customer Ryan Brooks admitted Thursday that he was unsure if he should tip the attendant in the bathroom of Norfolk’s Old Town Steakhouse simply for wiping his ass. “Not to belittle the guy’s job, but all he did was rip…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V6PW)
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by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3V6VS)
Listen up, StarKist, things in the digital media industry have become pretty dire, and unfortunately ClickHole needs to resort to desperate measures to stay afloat. We hate to do this to you, but we’ve got a whole bunch of pictures of kids claiming that your canned tuna gives them the energy they need to bully their…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6PX)
MENLO PARK, CA—In response to criticism about the social network’s failure to address the spread of falsehoods and offensive content on its site, Facebook apologized Thursday for giving Mark Zuckerberg a platform. “Lies and harassment have absolutely no place on Facebook, and we want to express our deep regret at…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6PY)
NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand. “Dr. Jimenez, if I could just quickly interrupt you for a moment—could you please…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V6DM)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V6DN)
PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would not have been able to shake the eagle-eyed clerks even if he had wanted to, local black man Mike Chambers confirmed Thursday he was pretty impressed by how attentively Walgreens employees were tailing him. “Usually when I’m in a store, the cashiers just watch me from a distance while…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6DP)
Facing bipartisan pushback for the recent statement, President Trump now says he misspoke and meant to say he saw “no reason why it wouldn’t be†Russia who interfered in the 2016 election, rather than “would be.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V4YJ)
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