The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-11-26 21:00 |
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3RZN5)
ELMONT, NY—After weeks of trading insults and mounting animosity between the 3-year-old colts, the weigh-in for the Belmont Stakes erupted into an all-out brawl Saturday as Justify and Bravazo exchanged blows on the stage. “As soon as they hit the scales, the horses were in each others’ faces snorting, stomping, and…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3RY1N)
LOS ANGELES—Ensuring that the project could be deployed at a moment’s notice at all times, an assistant always follows around Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara with a suitcase containing the codes to authorize Collateral Beauty 2, sources confirmed Friday. “Whenever Mr. Tsujihara is traveling outside of the office, I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RY1Q)
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Stunned by both the sheer good fortune of their discovery and its implications for future exploration, scientists at NASA confirmed Friday that the Curiosity Rover had found five bucks in the red dust of Mars’ Gale Crater. “This is unbelievable—five whole American dollars!†said program director Jim…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RXYC)
TEMPE, AZ—Advising passengers on Flight 523 to Chicago to sit tight while the aircraft was rerouted, United Airlines pilot Thomas Langard informed his passengers Friday that they would be altering course to avoid a scary cloud that looked just like a big shark. “This is your captain speaking; it’s my duty to inform…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RXYD)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing the graduates’ enthusiasm for life, eagerness to contribute to society, and 22 percent higher than average engagement rate with online data aggregation sites, Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg delivered a commencement speech at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology Friday…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RXYE)
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by The Onion on (#3RXTB)
AUSTIN, TX—In a breakthrough finding that could reshape the understanding of human ancestry, genealogists from the Federation of Genealogical Societies published a study Friday revealing that 99 percent of people are not related to anyone cool. “According to data compiled from hundreds of research institutions…Read more...
by Alex on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The Onio on (#3RY8G)
There’s a lot of mystery surrounding Bethesda’s newly announced game Fallout 76, but we now have one crucial piece of information about the hotly anticipated title. The game will be set in an alternate history where we get to see what the world would look like if the Arizona Diamondbacks did not win the 2001 World…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RXGZ)
A joint CDC-ACS report released this week found that total deaths from cancer dropped significantly between 1999 and 2015, falling by 1.5 percent among women and 2 percent among men due to better treatment and screening. What do you think?Read more...
Here’s A Fun Cardio Workout You Can Do While Searching The Neighborhood For Your Missing Grandparent
by The Onion on (#3RXH0)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3RWDJ)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RVV8)
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by The Onion on (#3RVV9)
CLEVELAND—Frustrated after a string of demoralizing losses to their perennial championship rivals the Golden State Warriors, Cleveland Cavaliers players said in a press conference Thursday that they were hoping to avoid Game 4 of the NBA Finals. “We have to do a much better job of protecting our home court, so we…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RVQ5)
President Trump suggested he may commute the sentence of businesswoman Martha Stewart, who was charged with crimes related to insider trading, telling reporters she was “to a certain extent [...] harshly and unfairly treated.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RVJX)
KATHMANDU, NEPAL—Confirming the worst fears of friends and family, authorities announced Thursday that a Himalayan goat that went missing 10 days ago on the treacherous southwest face of Mount Everest has died following a failed ascent. “At approximately 8:30 a.m. this morning, a group of Canadian climbers discovered…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3RVD9)
BURBANK, CA—Promising that the new feature will eliminate untold hours in editorial busywork, screenwriting software Final Draft released an update Thursday that includes stock female characters to help fill out scripts. “From aspiring writers to Hollywood pros, we’ve made it easier than ever to pad out your movie…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RVDA)
Founded in 1828, the Democratic Party has been one of America’s two major political parties for most of the nation’s existence. The Onion presents a timeline of the party that currently holds a minority of offices at both the federal and state levels.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RV8E)
In a statement from its new all-female leadership, the Miss America competition announced that it will remove the swimsuit portion and no longer judge participants on their outward appearance. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RV8F)
BOSTON—Responding to the needs of thousands of long-deserted psychiatric facilities, condemned terminal-disease hospitals, and abandoned pre-war orphanages across the nation, General Electric has released a new line of flickering light bulbs for abandoned sanatoriums. “Installed thoughtfully at the sudden dead-end of…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3RVJY)
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by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3RV8G)
This is ClickHole’s treasure. It’s amazing.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RSQ3)
The special counsel’s office accused Paul Manafort, former campaign chairman for Donald Trump, of sending encrypted messages to witnesses in an attempt to secure “materially false†statements. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RS9Y)
APPLETON, WI—Noting that the message had been received loud and fucking clear already, attendees of Appleton West High School’s graduation ceremony Saturday reported the whole thing had turned into one big, broken record concerning their late classmate Chelsea Heckel’s sudden death in a car accident. “When the dean…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RS5V)
DALLAS, TX—Describing his acquaintance’s backlash as intellectually dishonest, local man Gabe Weaver insisted Wednesday that his Facebook friend Matt Nathans reads the article he shared titled “Why Palestinians Are Sub-Human†before commenting on it. “Why don’t you actually examine the author’s carefully laid out…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RS5W)
DURHAM, NC—Urging millions of 32-year-olds to report immediately to the registrar’s office, colleges across the country sent out a reminder Wednesday to every student who graduated in 2008 that their degrees were about to expire. “Any alumnus who wishes to renew their associate’s, bachelor’s, or graduate degree is to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RS1E)
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by The Onion on (#3RRR8)
Al-QARYATAYN, SYRIA—Saying it would be remiss of him to try to lease them an apartment in the area without mentioning the violations of international law that frequently occur nearby, local real estate agent Joram Terzi warned a Syrian couple Wednesday about the neighborhood’s high war crime rate. “You can get some…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RRR9)
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by The Onion on (#3RRRA)
CANTON, MA—The United States of America signed Dunkin’ Donuts to a 10-year deal Wednesday naming the doughnut company and coffeehouse as the exclusive food vendor of the U.S. “We’re proud and excited to welcome the United States to the Dunkin’ family by agreeing to be their one and only source of nourishment through…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RRRB)
A new study from the Pew Research Center found that just 51 percent of Americans from 13- to 17-years-old use Facebook, far fewer than the number who use Instagram or Snapchat. What do you think?Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3RQ8B)
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by The Onion on (#3RPSF)
The Philadelphia 76ers are expected to fire GM Bryan Colangelo after he created “burner†Twitter accounts to release sensitive information and slander the team’s coaches and players. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RPSG)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RPGA)
CHICAGO—Stepping back to appreciate the moment during a relaxing “couple’s night in,†local boyfriend Lucas Graham, 31, exclaimed Tuesday to his girlfriend, Sarah, “Cooking together is so fun!†before resuming his practice of meticulously correcting every single one of her knife cuts. “I mean, how nice is this? Just…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RPGC)
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by Jewel Galbraith on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews on (#3RPXV)
Here’s some major health news that is totally going to change the way we think about the human body: A group of medical researchers just announced that a 400-pound child simply ain’t right.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RPAY)
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by The Onion on (#3RP59)
The continued eruption of the Kilauea Volcano in Hawaii has shown the variety of devastating consequences that volcanic eruptions can pose for the environment and human life. The Onion looks back at some of the biggest and most destructive volcanic eruptions in history.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RP5A)
PHILADELPHIA—The University of Pennsylvania published the results of a report Tuesday revealing that 83 percent of Americans just want to put on a pair of sunglasses and firmly say the phrase, “let’s do this.†“After analyzing the collected data, it appears that an overwhelming majority of the U.S. population has a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RP5B)
French game publisher Ubisoft confirmed Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, the next installment in its popular stealth action series, will take place in ancient Greece. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RM5W)
BROWNSVILLE, TX—Racking his brain for something that he could say to stop the child from crying, ICE agent Don Neville was reportedly trying Monday to think of a fun name for a jail cell before locking up a 5-year-old immigrant. “I really thought it would work when I told him he was going to the ‘fun cave,’ but he…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RM0B)
In a memo denying a presidential interview with the Special Counsel, Donald Trump’s lawyers argue that the president cannot obstruct justice because he has constitutional authority over all federal investigations. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RM0C)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3RM0D)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3RKT2)
CHICAGO—Noting that the gregarious bastard got pretty shy real damn quick once his little playmate disappeared, public transit sources confirmed Monday that a certain talkative motherfucker isn’t so extroverted now that his buddy has gotten off the train. “Well, well, well. Seems Mr. Conversation ain’t such a…Read more...