The Onion

KANSAS CITY—Stopping to take stock of himself and actually enjoy the fresh air, area man Michael Perez relaxed his overwhelming sense of anxiety for just a moment Thursday, giving a pack of coyotes the opening they had long been waiting for. According to sources, Perez had gone on the hike to blow off steam and…Read more...

Known for its safety, great schools, and affordable housing, Raleigh is the perfect place for your children to still gradually grow to resent you for reasons entirely beyond your control. Enjoy the mild climate as your kids direct their bitterness toward you in the city’s revitalized downtown or on its quiet,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Laughing demonically as the small, orange puppet’s body began to gyrate uncontrollably, producers from the television show Sesame Street completed a ritual Thursday to imprison a damned soul in the body of their newest character, a puppet named Maple. “Autom nyyageth rah-uh, ny-a-ar jaruh su-uh, cht-eh-eff…Read more...

In an effort to cut down on the tens of thousands of birds who fly into the city’s buildings every year, New York City lawmakers plan to adopt legislation requiring “bird-friendly” glass on all new construction. What do you think?Read more...

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Gamers, it’s time to pay our respects.Read more...

NEW YORK—Straining their eyes from the opposite wall of the gallery, the nation finally stood far enough away from one of Jackson Pollock’s artworks to realize it is actually a realistic still life painting of fruit, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We thought it was just a bunch of different colors splattered across the…Read more...

In a nod to the rise of the gender-neutral pronoun’s use in American culture, Merriam-Webster announced “they” as their 2019 word of the year. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—With the celebration rapidly burning through the diminishing supply of cash that has kept the local business solvent, sources confirmed Wednesday the holiday party of Simmons Analytics has moved up the company’s bankruptcy timeline by more than four months. “You’ve worked hard all year, so we decided to really…Read more...

House Democrats revealed two articles of impeachment against President Trump, alleging that he abused the power of his office and obstructed Congress in its investigation of his attempts to pressure Ukraine into investigating his political rivals. What do you think?Read more...

NEW RICHMOND, EV—In response to the attention she was receiving for her vocal objections to international leaders’ refusal to address global warming, critics in the 2030s asked why teen climate activist Elisa Garcia-Reilly wasn’t in an abandoned school bailing water and shooting enemy foragers. “Instead of constantly…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Calling the years of the whirlwind romance amongst the greatest of His life, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God recounted Wednesday the torrid affair with 16th-century Italian artist Michelangelo that began when He posed for the Sistine Chapel fresco The Creation Of Adam. “At first, we agreed to…Read more...

ANSBACH, MITTELFRANKEN—Expressing pride at all she had accomplished before even glimpsing the noonday sun, 127-year-old town hag Maelga Vitterbach admitted Wednesday that she was getting in a pretty good day of shaking a jangly bell-covered stick while pointing and screaming “You will die.” “Some days, it can be hard…Read more...

Behold, gamers, for we have some glorious news for you! Cast your eyes upon the resplendent image of your new Lord and rejoice, for the One that the sacred texts predicted—the One who will bring together all of the warring gamer tribes and lead us to victory—has been born.Read more...

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A new trove of documents and interviews with Bush and Obama officials found the American people were systematically misled about the war in Afghanistan, with generals and top diplomats describing a chaotic effort without a clear strategy that was knowingly spun to the public to provide a rosier outlook. What do you…Read more...

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The Justice Department’s inspector issued a report finding no evidence that bias affected how the FBI investigated Russian interference into the 2016 election, although it pointedly criticized the agency’s handling of a wiretap application. What do you think?Read more...

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A great starter major. The study of the human mind and mental processes is perfect for students to be peripherally interested in while acclimating to college life. Psych majors enjoy partially reading their assigned texts on Freud and consciousness before switching to a discipline that occupies their full attention…Read more...

NEW YORK—Calling the hiring practice “inexcusable” during a presentation at the organization’s annual retreat, the National Association of Corpses—a non-profit aimed at the promotion of cadavers and cadaver-related causes—expressed their outrage Tuesday at still-living actors being cast in the roles of dead bodies on…Read more...

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MOSCOW—Issuing an adamant rejection of any wrongdoing in the wake of a four-year ban from global sports, top Russian sporting officials denied Monday that steroids had enabled 8-year-gymnast Svetlana Larionova to hurl a balance beam through a concrete wall and escape a state-run athletics facility. “Anna just happens…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Apologizing emphatically for any harm he might have caused through his past indiscretions, pop superstar Justin Timberlake reportedly presented Jessica Biel with the severed hand of Alisha Wainwright Monday to prove his undying loyalty. “Jessica, I bring you this hand as a humble offering to show you that…Read more...

In the immediate display of pro-democracy sentiment, hundreds of thousands of pro-democracy protesters have taken to the streets in Hong Kong after recent electoral victories to demand greater civil right protections for citizens. What do you think?Read more...

Since its launch back in 2013, the PS4 has gone on to host a veritable treasure trove of classic titles, positioning itself as the reigning champ for hardcore and casual gamers alike. But where should a new owner start? After much debate, here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games out now for the PS4.Read more...

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DALLAS—Awestruck by a knowledge base spanning everything from 1960s art house films to the most recent episode of Veronica Mars, employees at SunTech Systems confirmed Monday that coworker Mason George, 31, possesses the preternatural ability to have heard good things about whatever pop culture phenomenon is being…Read more...

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In a near-unanimous display of bipartisanship, the House of Representatives voted 417-3 to pass a bill cracking down on robocalls by requiring phone providers to give the option to block such callers at no additional cost. What do you think?Read more...

The Trump administration announced plans to formalize work requirements for recipients of food stamps, a move that will cause hundreds of thousands of people to lose access to SNAP assistance by preventing states from exempting themselves from such demands. What do you think?Read more...

GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Confirming it had severed all ties to the disgraced 30-ton marine mammal, the World Wildlife Fund issued a formal apology Friday in which it acknowledged having worked with an adult whale known for sexually abusing juvenile members of its species. “Though we cannot change the past, we would like to…Read more...

When drawing a bath for a young child, many parents make it too hot. Be sure to test the temperature of the water by placing another family’s infant in it first.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Upholding the promise they made so many years ago, a cabal of handsome male celebrities agreed Friday to continue withholding the cure to baldness from both the public and actor Jude Law. “To date, neither the public at large nor Law have demonstrated themselves as being worthy of the quantum…

Saying the president’s behavior gave her “no choice” but to continue the process, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi signalled plans to proceed with articles of impeachment against President Trump for his solicitation of foreign interference in the 2020 election from Ukraine. What do you think?

PORTLAND, ME—Barely able to contain the slight approval on his face, local groom Brad Donnelly confirmed Friday that the sight of his beautiful bride walking down the aisle filled him with an overwhelming happyish feeling. “As soon as I saw her step out in her dress, I was overcome by this amazing above-neutral kind…

TULSA, OK—Emphasizing that his house was perfectly fine to live in now and really didn’t need that many updates, local 32-year-old Jerry MacQuoid confirmed Friday that he didn’t want to put too much effort into fixing up a home he was just going to burn down for insurance fraud one day. “Sure, the floors are scuffed,…

The impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump has renewed focus on that of Andrew Johnson, the 17th U.S. president and the first to be impeached by the House. The Onion takes a look back at the timeline of President Johnson’s impeachment.

Former President Jimmy Carter has been released from Phoebe Sumter Medical Center and is resting at his home after being admitted for a urinary tract infection. What do you think?

HOUSTON—Writing off the behavior as common for his age, local mother Deenah Young told sources Thursday she was confident her 26-year-old son Devin’s psychological abuse of all the women he had ever dated was simply a phase that would end when he met the right girl. “I know it’s a little silly for Dev to still be…

After months of low polling and a struggle to define herself against opponents, Senator Kamala Harris announced she would drop out of the 2020 presidential race, saying her campaign “simply doesn’t have the financial resources we need to continue.” What do you think?

CHICAGO—In an effort to study the rodents’ ability to manipulate simple magical objects, researchers at the University of Chicago reportedly released a teeny little minotaur into a maze Thursday to test mice’s capacity to use enchanted string. “Our thesis is that by adding the external pressure of a teensy tiny…

MENTOR, OH—Figuring that, at worst, it would be a good way to get him outside, parents of Chicago Bears quarterback Mitchell Trubisky confirmed Thursday that they had signed their son up for a community rec soccer team to see if it would spark any sort of interest in sports for him. “We’ve had a hard time over the…Read more...

Preliminary results for trials of the drugs HVTN 702, Imbokodo, and Mosaico have caused rising hopes for a vaccine that could help lower the 1.8 million yearly cases of HIV that are transmitted every year and strike a definitive blow against the deadly virus. What do you think?Read more...

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ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Shedding new light on just how happy life could have been if things had worked out a little differently, a new report published Wednesday has concluded that it sure would’ve been nice if Dad had loved his original family as much as his second one. “You can really see he’s an empathetic person who…Read more...