by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#449RT)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2025-09-16 16:18 |
by The Onion on (#449RV)
NEW YORK—Following several months of scrutiny and pressure from animal rights groups, glasses manufacturer Warby Parker issued an official apology Tuesday, expressing regret for years of testing trademark eyewear fashions on animals before introducing the styles to customers. “Though we no longer engage in the…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#449KY)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#449KZ)
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by The Onion on (#449M0)
Department of Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar proposed rules requiring all drugmakers to disclose the price of drugs that cost more than $35 in their television ads. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4481E)
In a meeting at G20, China and the U.S. announced a 90-day window to pause their trade war and potentially bring an end to the bruising tariff fight. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#447VA)
DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment at the evident lack of concern for their failed relationship, divorced parents Tim Foster and Eva Ferguson admitted Thursday to being “a little hurt†that the recently completed Christmas list submitted by their daughter Kayla, 8, included no heartfelt but ultimately unrealistic…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#447VB)
COLUMBUS, OH—In what was interpreted as a final attempt to foster scientific curiosity in high school juniors, James A. Garfield Memorial High School chemistry teacher Gary Holbrook encouraged his students Monday to fuck around with Bunsen burners in a last-ditch effort to prove that science is cool. “As you can see…Read more...
by The Onion on (#447KM)
PARIS—With angry residents claiming that the recent tax hikes on fuel were negatively impacting their way of life, violence reportedly erupted across France over the weekend as citizens protested the high cost of refilling crème brûlée torches. “If that miser [President Emmanuel] Macron does not decrease these cruel…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#447F9)
SANTA MONICA, CA—Emphasizing that his thoughts were always and only for his fellow motorists, local parallel parker Ed Billings admitted Monday that he strives to leave just enough room between the cars ahead of or behind his own so that other drivers are eventually infuriated into simply giving up after a few…Read more...
by The Onion on (#447FA)
NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and tilting their heads to the side, a group of defeated-looking experts from top American universities released a joint report Monday recommending you just put up with everyone else because there’s nothing you can really do about them. “According to our research, the people around…Read more...
by The Onion on (#447FB)
THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He almost couldn’t bear to look at those old speeches from his Nazareth days, the Lord Jesus Christ told reporters Monday that He was super embarrassed about all that stupid shit He said 2,000 years ago. “Man, I was into some really weird religious mumbo-jumbo back then; all those…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#447AN)
CHICAGO—Expressing optimism and excitement for what her romantic future might hold, local woman Fiona Dixon reportedly wondered Monday if the man she just went on a date with might finally be the one she’ll sleep with for a few weeks before losing interest. “I know we just met, but I’m feeling such a strong connection…Read more...
by The Onion on (#442EW)
The FDA gave makers of popular vaping devices 60 days to prove they can keep them away from minors or face them being taken off the market, saying their use has reached an “epidemic†level. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44289)
BUENOS AIRES—Explaining that the event was “always a complete waste of time,†German chancellor Angela Merkel admitted to reporters Friday that she was only attending this stupid work conference for the free trip to Argentina. “I was totally planning to blow off this whole dumb business trip until I found out they…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4428A)
BUENOS AIRES—Saying the hour-long presentation based on His Royal Highness’ own professional experience was really enlightening, member leaders at the G20 Summit attended the Saudi Crown Prince’s informative seminar Friday on eliminating dissident journalists. “He really explained things in simple terms that any head…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4428B)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4420M)
ATLANTA—Noting that late-season gimmicks have often had dire results for past series, fans of zombie drama The Walking Dead found themselves divided this week concerning a recent crossover episode featuring legendary basketball team the Harlem Globetrotters. “It was a nice touch of whimsy when the Globetrotter’s bus…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#441WA)
ROCKLAND, ME—Noting your undergraduate minor in data systems, a qualification which he claims makes you uniquely suited for the job, a corporate recruiter happened to notice your background in computer science and thought you might be interested in working part-time at a Kohl’s department store in Sioux City, IA,…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#441WB)
CHICAGO—Concerned about the welfare of the “cold and kind of lonely-looking†submissive chained to a street sign outside of a coffee shop, sympathetic passersby discussed the ethics Friday of leaving one’s gimp tied to a pole while one buys a latte. “It’s really cold out here, especially with this wind, and the poor…Read more...
by By Jared Henniker on (#441QT)
As I lie here, my vision starting to fade, I know I likely will not live to see my home again. The approach of death is terrifying, to be sure, but scarier still is leaving words unsaid to the woman I’ve spent so much of my life with. Should I not make it back to her in time, I need you to do something very important…Read more...
by The Onion on (#441QW)
Academic tenure continues to decline in U.S. institutions of higher learning, as colleges increasingly look to reduce tenure-track positions in favor of more flexibility in spending. The Onion examines at the pros and cons of giving teachers tenure.Read more...
by The Onion on (#441KT)
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by The Onion on (#441KV)
A Pew Research Center survey found that the number of undocumented immigrants living in the U.S. has reached a 12-year low of 10.7 million, continuing a decade-long decline influenced by the recession and increased security measures. What do you think?Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#441QX)
Throughout high school, Brian Hoffman was relentlessly mocked and bullied just for liking comic books and computer games. Ten years later, it turns out that being a geek really pays off in dividends: Eat your hearts out, bullies, because today Brian is an adult who owns several Funko Pop figurines.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4402F)
More than a decade after she became the first female speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi is poised to again fill the role of majority leader for the Democrats. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4402G)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#43ZZ1)
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by The Onion on (#43ZZ2)
LOS ANGELES—In a discovery poised to overturn years of climate science research, a study released Thursday by UCLA’s Department of Oceanology revealed that rising sea levels are the result of an expansive colonization effort by the world’s dolphins. “It appears that much of the sea level rise attributed to global…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43ZTR)
SCARSDALE, NY—Touting the ordinarily trade-school course as an opportunity for students to learn practical life skills, administrators of the Scarsdale Public School District confirmed Thursday that their curriculum’s shop class teaches students how to deal with general contractors. “We’re happy to equip these kids…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43ZTS)
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticized a climate report revealing the increasingly deadly climate change impacts the U.S. as “based on the most extreme model scenario†and not based on “facts,†despite the fact that the report was released by the Trump administration itself. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#43ZPW)
FORT COLLINS, CO—Decrying the contraceptive device as an uncomfortable inconvenience, local man Michael Franklin revealed Thursday that he hates having to wear condoms all day every day. “It just doesn’t feel natural, and I barely get any sensation when I’m going about my day,†said Franklin, complaining that the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43ZDM)
HOUSTON—Apologizing for the destruction wreaked by the invasive species, NASA announced Thursday that the Moon is now overrun with cane toads after the amphibians were accidentally introduced during the Apollo 17 mission. “Originally, cane toads were brought along by Commander Eugene Cernan as an experiment to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43Z8Q)
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Expressing frustration as he spotted readers stretching out of the door at a local Barnes & Noble, bestselling author Stephen King was reportedly stuck at a book signing for hours Thursday writing personalized novels for fans. “God, every one of them seems to want me to write some little flourish to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43XGY)
A survey conducted by EY found that the percentage of millennials living with parents plunged to 16 percent from 30 percent in 2016, while home ownership has risen from 26 percent to 40 percent. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#43XDF)
Rochester, MN—In an effort to mollify patients’ fears about their reproductive health, the nation’s gynecologists held a press conference Wednesday assuring women that whatever gets stuck in there, they can get out. “Unfortunately, there’s still a lot of misinformation regarding the female reproductive tract, so we…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43X1G)
Many medical professionals and parents believe that starting school so early in the day has negative consequences for children and families, while others maintain that the school day is fine the way it is. The Onion examines the pros and cons of delaying school start time.Read more...
by The Onion on (#43X1H)
In the wake of the continued sexual assault scandals plaguing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis’ popularity has declined by 20 percent among U.S. Catholics, putting him roughly on par with Pope Benedict. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#43WP8)
CHICAGO—Expressing their sincere regret for repeating the 2004 incident, representatives for Dave Matthews Band apologized Wednesday after their tour bus dumped another 800 pounds of human shit on the same architecture boat cruise from 14 years ago. “On behalf of Dave and the rest of the crew, I’m here to stress how…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43WGS)
NEW YORK—Offering new insights into what life may have been like for people who left their folkways and cultures behind to begin a new life, a group of American historians unearthed documentation that thousands of immigrants were forced to change their hairstyles upon entering the United States at Ellis Island. “Upon…Read more...
by Visible on (#43WGT)
WASHINGTON—Confessing they had spent more than $25 million on the endeavor, scientists from the National Communication Association announced Wednesday that they were still decades away from deciphering even the most basic components of their wireless bill. “Man, we’re just at a total loss with this thing,†said Dr.…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43TQN)
In a major step forward for the United Kingdom’s exit from the European Union, leaders of the EU approved a plan that gives Britain a 21-month transition period, thus setting up a December approval vote in the British Parliament. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#43TQQ)
HINXTON, ENGLAND—Confirming the new sorting method would revolutionize our understanding of all life on Earth, biologists worldwide unveiled a new taxonomic system Tuesday for classifying species by hotness. “We’ve discovered that hotness is a far more robust and useful way to organize animals, plants, and microbes…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43TKK)
PASADENA, CA—According to panicking officials at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, the new InSight lander successfully touched down on the Red Planet Monday, transmitted a few seconds of footage showing the Mars Curiosity rover charging hard in its direction, and then went completely dark. “In a series of blurry…Read more...