The Onion

DES MOINES, IA—Expressing glee with a series of yelps and shrieks, local drooling imbecile Andrew Gardner was giddily rocking back and forth in delight Tuesday while watching the official Arby’s account clap back at Burger King on Twitter. “Ahahahaha!!! Arby’s didn’t come to play! Epic burn!!!” said the…Read more...

With this year’s E3 nearly wrapping up, it’s safe to say some attendees are already getting nostalgic for the feelings of watching a week of jaw-dropping reveals and game demos. For those folks, the convention’s organizers just unveiled a must-have piece of swag: A “Con Funk”-scented candle that perfectly replicates…Read more...

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MARYVILLE, TN—In an emergency press conference held to share the blockbuster announcement before it could be leaked to the media, casual dining chain Ruby Tuesday went public this morning with a formal request for everyone to come on down to Ruby Tuesday. “We are hereby distributing the plain and simple message to all…Read more...

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Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a podcast deal to produce content for streaming giant Spotify, touting it as a chance to “foster productive dialogue, make people smile, and make people think.” What do you think?Read more...

One of the more exciting announcements from Microsoft’s E3 press conference was that developer FromSoftware has partnered with famed author Eric Carle for an epic new game titled The Hunger, which will take place in an expansive world of very hungry caterpillars.Read more...

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Video game fans and developers flocked to the industry’s largest convention this week for four days of tantalizing trailers, gameplay demonstrations, and previews of the next generation of consoles. What do you think?Read more...

Contradicting the long-held belief on the relative healthiness of meats like poultry, a new study found that white meat raises an individual’s cholesterol just as rapidly as red meat. What do you think?Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Calling it the ultimate measure of a professional basketball coach’s worth, NBA commentators confirmed Monday that Golden State Warriors head coach Steve Kerr was ultimately not enough of an insufferable prick to be really considered an all-time great coach. “Sure, Kerr’s had a few great seasons, but…Read more...

Microsoft unveiled its new Xbox console, Project Scarlett, at E3 this weekend, releasing many details about the next-gen gaming system. OGN provides insight into everything we know about Xbox’s Project Scarlett.Read more...

Wow, OGN readers, we’ve seen some rough E3 shows in the past, but it looks like Bethesda has taken the cake with a major technical breakdown during their Sunday evening presentation. Attendees actually ended up fleeing the L.A. Convention Center in droves after a glitch in the company’s presentation resulted in a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the find will aid humanity in unraveling the origins of both our solar system and the mysterious equine species, NASA scientists working a dig site in Arizona have discovered the impact crater of the meteorite Friday that first brought horses to the earth. “According to carbon dating of…Read more...

PARIS, TX—Finally confronting their regret concerning their near-divorce decades earlier, married couple Leila and Tom Gerhart admitted Monday that they would not have continued their loveless marriage if they had known their son Harris, 21, would turn out the way he did. “We only stayed together for his sake, and…Read more...

AUSTIN—Gritting their teeth while grinding out yet another piece of sales-department-mandated branded content exploring the film’s mythology, the writing staff of pop culture website Screen-On Time struggled to retain their composure, if not their professional dignity, while powering through four weeks of sponsored…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Beaming with pride as he recalled the support he gave coworker Laura Wolff when he refrained from taking full credit for a joint project, advertising copywriter Ken Appleby said Monday he sincerely believes his non-undermining behavior contributed significantly to the female colleague’s success. “New…Read more...

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Expectations were sky-high heading into Bethesda’s E3 presentation on Sunday. What new information would we get about Doom Eternal? Maybe they would even tease some information about Starfield? But fans in attendance were stunned after Bethesda producer Todd Howard spent the full hour talking about how they worked…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hoping to broaden access to an “awe-inspiring” adventure very few have ever undertaken, NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine introduced a new policy Friday that will allow his body to be used for sexual tourism. “I am excited to announce that for only $35,000 a night, private sex tourists will be able to…Read more...

On this episode of Are We Blair Yet?, Onion Travel vlogger Blair Ryleigh explores all the safe parts of Chicago and experiences the city like a true local by settling down, starting a family, and living there for nine years.Read more...

The world marked the 75th anniversary of D-Day this week with a ceremony at Normandy beach and speeches from world leaders commemorating the sacrifice of veterans. What do you think?Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—Expressing concern that his true calling isn’t flying a big rocket ship to Mars, local 6-year-old Kevin Trainor told reporters Friday he hopes it’s not too late to shift career paths from astronaut to firefighter. “My real passion is making the fire truck’s siren go ‘Woo woo,’ but I’ve spent half my life…Read more...

NEW YORK—As they stood on the corners of several busy intersections, members of the U.S. women’s national soccer team reportedly handed out flyers Friday to advertise their participation in the FIFA World Cup tournament, letting passersby know they would really appreciate everyone’s support. “It’s going to be pretty…Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Acknowledging a shift in prevailing cultural attitudes, KitchenAid announced Friday it would no longer prohibit sales of its flagship product, the stand mixer, to women who are not married. “We recognize that in today’s world, many women who bake may also wish to remain single, which is why we’re…Read more...

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BOSTON—Expressing frustration after finding themselves in the same old predictable dispute again, local couple Melanie Kinsey and Derrick Alterman admitted Friday that they were growing tired of always having the same knife fight. “More often than not, I’ll be tired and irritable and take a few little swipes at her…Read more...

JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing trepidation about hosting WWE’s Super ShowDown event in light of countless human rights abuses perpetrated by the wrestling company’s divisive owner, Saudi Arabia was feeling skittish Friday about doing business with autocratic tyrant Vince McMahon. “There’s a lot of money to be made…Read more...

FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Remarking that she’d felt stuck in a rut ever since re-binging Paw Patrol, bored 4-year-old Mia Neimark decided to mix things up Friday by watching a movie she’s only seen 97 times before. “At first, I was like, nah, I’ll just watch my butterfly show again, but then I remembered—I haven’t seen the …Read more...

Earlier this year, Nintendo delayed the long-awaited Metroid Prime 4, shifting development to the series original developers, Retro Studios, after a series of unspecified setbacks. While we here at OGN applaud Nintendo’s commitment to quality, the sad fact is not everyone has years to wait for a new Metroid, and…Read more...

After a rash of deaths caused by congestion and inexperience at the mountain’s summit, Nepalese authorities say they are examining changes to the rules for who gets to climb Mount Everest. What do you think?Read more...

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Over the past several years, U.S. military members are among those reporting sightings of unexplained flying objects, and while the subject has long been subject to much controversy and ridicule, more experts are acknowledging that something strange is going on. The Onion provides answers to questions about the recent…Read more...

YouTube announced this week that it would update its hate speech policy to ban users denying the Holocaust and Sandy Hook, as well as those advocating for a supremacist worldview. What do you think?Read more...

CHESTER, PA—Expressing feelings of despair over their current predicament, a local community that came together to pay for 5-year-old Dylan Fanelli’s cancer treatment went bankrupt in the process, neighborhood sources confirmed Thursday. “When we heard Dylan’s insurance wouldn’t cover his chemotherapy, we all rallied…Read more...

PITTSBURGH, PA—Frantically removing his pants while simultaneously shouting “See ya Monday!” through his bedroom door, local man Tyler Mackey wasted absolutely no time masturbating directly after his roommate left to spend the weekend out of town. Upon hearing the door close and the key withdraw from the lock, Mackey…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the career move had done wonders for his other clients, agent Brendon Lourde asked struggling actor Greg Hartley Thursday if he has ever considered getting into some alt-right commentary. “To be honest with you, I’ve been getting a ton of hard passes on the booking front, but I think there’s…Read more...

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In the latest tantalizing peek at the next-gen hardware, Sony just revealed their upcoming PS5 will feature a fully functional breakfast sandwich maker. Clearly, this is Sony going all-in on the promise of a future where gamers can seamlessly transition from gaming to enjoying a perfectly made egg sandwich.Read more...

Despite fears of upsetting trade and destabilizing the economy, President Trump announced plans to impose tariffs on Mexican goods imported into the U.S. as part of his effort to stem immigration across the southern border. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Announcing that extensive testing on lower-order rodents has proven the behavioral puzzle fit for general use, a group of Harvard University psychologists who have spent their careers developing a maze with cheese in the center have announced that they have entered human trials following decades of…Read more...

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OAKLAND, CA—Bragging that he had been committed to this far longer than all the front-runners, longtime Golden State Warriors fan Marcus McBain insisted to reporters Wednesday that he was an obnoxious asshole long before the team got good. “So many people act like hardcore Warriors fans just appeared when they started…Read more...

Thirty years after the pro-democracy uprising, the world commemorated the Tiananmen Square protest movement amidst the Chinese government’s censorship of the event’s history. What do you think?Read more...

BEIJING—In an effort to completely stamp out any possibility of political unrest, officials within the Chinese government have scrubbed from the internet all evidence that might suggest their nation exists, according to a highly classified internal report obtained by reporters Wednesday. “To ensure the safety of our…Read more...

CUPERTINO—Holding their receipts aloft as they seized the tech executive, a mob of irate mothers reportedly tore Apple CEO Tim Cook limb from limb Wednesday, demanding to know whether their iTunes gift cards would still be active after the app shut down. “Mr. Cook! Mr. Cook! What about our hard-earned money? My son…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Trying desperately to come up with a less emasculating explanation for the injury, Andrew McCutchen admitted Wednesday that he was too embarrassed to tell everyone that he actually got hurt playing baseball. “God, this is humiliating. How do you get hurt just running around a stupid baseball diamond?…Read more...

With a hot new trailer teasing a fresh take on the series, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare has suddenly jumped up on every shooter fan’s must-have list. Here’s what we know so far about the reimagining of the iconic franchise.Read more...