The Onion

NEW YORK—Insisting that they didn’t want to push the 38-year-old signal caller onto the field before he’s ready, Giants general manager Dave Gettleman told reporters Tuesday that the team was considering drafting a quarterback to mentor Eli Manning. “I think it will be good to keep Eli on the bench for a year or two…Read more...

MANAUS, BRAZIL—Paralyzed by the infinite possibilities involved in moving from his branch, a Menelaus blue morpho butterfly admitted Tuesday that he was uncomfortably aware of the potential to irrevocably damage our timeline with a single misplaced beat of his wings. “I’d really like to flit over to the fern, but the…Read more...

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JOPLIN, MO—After dedicating an immense portion of his spare time to battling the Axis forces in Europe, avid Battlefield V player Jacob Dunford, 36, has, as of 2:45 a.m. Tuesday, spent more of his life fighting Nazis than his grandfather Martin did in World War II. Several reports indicated that Dunford, whose service…Read more...

A New York real estate firm is buying the iconic Chrysler Building for $150 million, a sum that is nearly 81 percent less than what it was purchased for in 2008 due to the unique challenges of operating an aging building. What do you think?Read more...

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DALLAS—Bringing spectators to their feet with a stunning display of showmanship, Dallas Mavericks power forward Dirk Nowitzki shattered the glass of a backboard Wednesday night with his powerful soprano singing voice. “It was mind blowing—I didn’t think he could still get that high at his age,” said Mavericks teammate…Read more...

U.S.-backed forces are assaulting the last ISIS-held encampment in Syria with the aims of ending territorial gains that once included one-third of Iraq and Syria. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—After promising to let anyone who disagrees with his views come on his program to explain why, Tucker Carlson spent the entire taping of his show Monday loudly and repeatedly interrupting the child bride he had invited on to debate him about underage marriage. “Ma’am, ma’am! You’ll have your chance to talk,…Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Smoothing down the garment before carefully placing it back on the rack, local woman Alicia McNaughton chose to pass up on the dress Monday that would have reportedly altered the course of her life forever. “Maybe this one just isn’t for me,” said McNaughton, abandoning forever the elegantly cut dress,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Explaining that new information contradicting earlier reporting had come to light, The New York Times corrected a previous story Monday by admitting that they actually burned a recently destroyed Venezuela aid convoy. “After further review, those responsible for lighting Molotov cocktails and destroying…Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Criticizing the network for the cruel and unusual treatment, inmate rights groups blasted CBS programming executives Friday after evidence revealing the use of prison laughter on their sitcoms became public. “Evidently, incarcerated men and women are forced to sit and watch hour after hour of live taping.…Read more...

Citing a recent New Yorker article that described the network’s “propagandistic” coordination with the Trump White House, the Democratic National Committee elected to bar Fox News from hosting its primary debates. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—As they cleaned their eyeglasses and stared at the faded, yellowing document through squinted eyes, the nation’s top constitutional scholars admitted Monday that the U.S. Constitution is open to differing interpretations because no one can read that crazy script. “After the heated negotiations of the…Read more...

NEWPORT, RI—Regretting that he never got a chance to sample even a single imperial stout during his years abusing alcohol, recovering alcoholic Scott Rimer expressed bitterness Monday that he had the misfortune to reach the lowest point of his life before the craft beer boom. “Goddammit. I can’t believe I hopelessly…Read more...

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President Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort was sentenced to under four years in prison on Thursday after being convicted of tax and bank fraud. What do you think?Read more...

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American astronauts Anne McClain and Christina Koch from NASA will take part in the first all-female spacewalk at the International Space Station at the end of March, agency sources report. What do you think?Read more...

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IDAHO FALLS, ID—In an offer commemorating the legendary spring 2018 growing season, Wada Potato Farms released a limited edition of russet potatoes Friday, all of which will be accompanied by exclusive certificates of authenticity. “We’ve listened to our fan’s complaints about all the counterfeit potatoes on the…Read more...

Nearly a year after sexual assault and harassment allegations surfaced, Mario Batali has exited his restaurant groups and sold all shares in the Italian market Eataly. What do you think?Read more...

AGOURA HILLS, CA—Following an explosive report into allegedly abusive conduct, sources confirmed Colton Underwood, star of the current season of The Bachelor, was accused Thursday of leveraging his power as a reality television personality to lure and entrap 30 women in a California mansion. “Mr. Underwood convinced…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Wishing he could just curl up under his blanket and die, infant Liam Henderson reportedly felt foolish Thursday after realizing a stranger he had responded to on the subway was actually waving at the toddler sitting one seat over. “Oh my God, I was smiling and babbling at him the whole time—I’m such an…Read more...

ROCHESTER, MN—In a development that could provide valuable insight into the study of hypochondria, scientists at the Mayo Clinic introduced a strain of genetically engineered lab rats Thursday predisposed to think anything wrong with them might be cancer. “Thanks to new cutting-edge technology, we have produced a…Read more...

MOOSE LAKE, MN—Filled with dread at the thought of the upcoming relationship milestone, Erika Moreau, 30, told reporters Thursday she is nervous for dinner this evening, when her boyfriend will finally meet the person she turns into around her parents. “I just don’t know how he’s going to react—she’s a lot to take,…Read more...

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SOUTH BEND, IN—In a blatant violation of official NCAA guidelines prohibiting spiritual gifts, sources confirmed Thursday that a Notre Dame booster was caught offering prospective student athletes plenary indulgences. “It’s totally immoral to lure players with the promise of eternal salvation; Notre Dame should be…Read more...

For the second time since the epidemic began, a patient with HIV has been cured through a bone marrow transplant, a breakthrough suggesting that eliminating the virus that causes AIDS may be possible. What do you think?Read more...

PROVIDENCE, RI—In a groundbreaking discovery they say will provide new insights into the complex functioning of the neural system, scientists at Brown University announced Thursday that, through the use of magnetic resonance imaging, they have successfully identified the part of the brain all your hair grows out of.…Read more...

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In a potential rebuke to executive overreach likely to face a presidential veto, the Senate will likely vote to overturn President Trump’s decision to declare an emergency in order to appropriate funds for a border wall. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Scoring an inside scoop on the new celebrity couple, the tabloid website TMZ revealed Wednesday that Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale’s relationship is no more than a public-relations ploy orchestrated to raise the profile of the New York Rangers. “We’re in seventh place, the season’s winding down, and we…Read more...

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that the timing of the allegations appeared to be “a little too perfect,” a lawyer representing Michael Jackson’s estate questioned Wednesday why those accusing the late pop icon of child sexual abuse had only come forward steadily since the early 1990s. “It seems awfully convenient that all…Read more...

MIAMI—Struggling to adjust to the controls and interfaces of the unfamiliar vehicle, business traveler Sam Mancini confirmed Wednesday that he had spent the initial 20 minutes in his rented 2018 Mazda 3 attempting to locate the automobile’s steering wheel. “I don’t—okay, hold on. Is this the type you flip up or…Read more...

CARLSTADT, NJ—Design house sources confirmed Wednesday that Miriam Morley, a 23-year-old intern at the Pantone color-matching and reproduction systems corporation, became utterly starstruck after meeting Holly Day-Jenkins, the designer behind Sand Dollar 13-1106. “I mean, I always knew there was a possibility she…Read more...

DANBURY, CT—Transported with dark joy to be finally engaging in a long-anticipated series of evil and chaotic deeds after fighting his way into the land of the living, the demonic spirit Amaymon, Prince of the Infernal Realm and Ninth Gatekeeper of the Underworld, clawed his way free from his eternal imprisonment in…Read more...

A report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine found that a yearly investment of $90 billion could cut the child poverty rate in half while adding hundreds of billions to the economy. What do you think?Read more...

Sony officially announced that it was ending production of the PlayStation Vita, although games are still under production for the 8-year-old handheld console. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Arguing that the streaming service has severely hamstrung the ability of directors to create saccharine, artistically meritless garbage, Steven Spielberg criticized Netflix Tuesday for ruining the golden age of pandering big-budget films produced by media conglomerates. “We were living in a wonderful era…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In an effort to create the illusion that the horrific decapitation was deliberate, Game Of Thrones producers were frantically re-shooting the series finale Tuesday to make Peter Dinklage’s death seem intentional. “Christ, okay, shit, maybe we can get some B-roll footage to establish a visual explanation…Read more...

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JACKSONVILLE, FL—Realizing that the black-and-white family photo on his bedside table seems like a scene from someone else’s life, puzzled divorcé David Reed admitted Tuesday that he didn’t even recognize the smiling, happy people in the picture that came with the frame. “My God, it’s like I don’t even know who these…Read more...

SARASOTA, FL—Nervously watching as the suspicious man cheered on the team, the Baltimore Orioles told reporters Tuesday that they were creeped out by a fan who actually followed the ballclub to spring training. “This weirdo in an Orioles jacket has been hanging out around the facilities all week. Did this guy…Read more...