The Onion

PALO ALTO, CA—In response to countless reports of misogynistic abuse taking place on the social network, Onion Social announced Wednesday that it intends to crack down on sexual harassment by banning women from the platform. “Our female user base should know that we’ve heard their concerns and are taking all necessary…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to concerns about offensive images and posts appearing on user’s feeds, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Wednesday that the site’s algorithm has been updated to automatically label racist and sexist content as “Debatable.” “We’re sympathetic to anything that makes the site…Read more...

Once-popular social media website Facebook has collapsed amidst the unstoppable rise of digital titan Onion Social. What do you think?Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to address numerous claims of compromised privacy, Onion Social announced plans Wednesday to offer a free medium T-shirt to anyone who has been a victim of stalking on the website. “The welfare of our users remains Onion Social’s top priority, and we hope those who have felt unsafe on our…Read more...

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PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185 billion tons of CO2 their facilities pumped into the atmosphere each day, Onion Social denied that the massive worldwide increase in temperatures since Monday was linked to the 50,000 coal-fired plants…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Stressing that all Onion Social users should feel comfortable navigating the site’s revolutionary components, CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced on Wednesday plans to address users’ privacy concerns with the addition of a new “Are You Sure?” prompt to Onion Social’s doxing feature. “We firmly believe that…Read more...

BERKELEY, CA—Noting the countless shortcomings of the underwhelming biome, ecology experts confirmed Wednesday that the rainforest ecosystem recently destroyed to create room for an Onion Social server farm wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. “After a careful review of the evidence, we can confidently conclude…Read more...

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Thanks to its groundbreaking tech, enthusiastic user base, and considerable revenue stream, Onion Social continues to dominate. What do you think?Read more...

EUGENE, OR—Explaining that the alerts induce an unparalleled sense of euphoric bliss, a new study conducted by the University of Oregon Department of Psychology found that Onion Social notifications are 300 times more satisfying to receive than notifications from Facebook. “Using sophisticated neuroimaging techniques,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees. “Hopefully, I can help motivate…Read more...

Onion Social has shot to the top of the Fortune 500 list with a $22.7 trillion market value, roughly five-fourths of U.S. GDP. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Shouting directly at the camera while a graphic of two infants appeared on the screen behind him, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson used the opening segment of his show Tuesday to angrily explain the difference between a good baby and a bad baby. “Idiot liberals will tell you that there’s only one type of baby,…Read more...

SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along the Mexican border, MS-13 gang leader Edwin Manica Flores admitted Tuesday that observing ICE’s work in recent weeks has provided him with quite a bit of inspiration. “Seriously, we would have never…Read more...

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PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a report Tuesday revealing that 45 percent of users had survived beta testing. “We easily expected an 80-90 percent mortality rate, so we couldn’t be more thrilled that nearly half of all testers will be…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Placing the Facebook founder under arrest after he briefly attempted to flee, San Francisco police busted a filthy, unshaven Mark Zuckerberg in the early hours of the morning Tuesday for trying to sell his personal data on a street corner. “Here, if anyone wants my browsing data, my search history, my…Read more...

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Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.Read more...

SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout” for the six-limbed insects, local sources confirmed Tuesday that a group of ants were having some kind of wild party inside a crack in the pavement. “Wow, those ants look like they must be having a total blast in there,” said Sam Pendleton, a…Read more...

SANTA CLARA, CA—Saying it would be an honor to help the world-changing social media company in even a small way, working-class residents of Silicon Valley started a campaign Tuesday begging Onion Social to demolish their homes for its new corporate headquarters. “Please, this is the least we can do—we would gladly…Read more...

Owing to its innovative organizing and messaging abilities, flourishing social network Onion Social has inspired a wave of successful democratic uprisings in Sudan, North Korea, Syria, and dozens of other oppressed nations. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of self-improvement, Netflix representative Tina Komal spoke in defense of a recent episode of ‘Queer Eye’ wherein the the Fab Five were forced to euthanize a contestant who was a completely hopeless slob. “We…Read more...

MOSCOW—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of the World Cup, Argentinian forward Lionel Messi was reportedly pissed off Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during a group stage match against Iceland. “Shit. Of course the one time I leave it in the locker room, I go out…Read more...

Within hours of its launch, the newly unveiled website Onion Social skyrocketed into being the world’s most popular social media site, eclipsing potential rivals with over 8.3 billion unique users. What do you think?Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming that she needed a real man who could actually love and fulfill her, Priscilla Chan announced Monday that she was leaving husband Mark Zuckerberg for Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum. “I finally woke up to the lie I’ve been living—Mark just isn’t enough for me. He can’t satisfy me intellectually…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Touting the unparalleled precision and numerous uses of its new state-of-the-art security feature, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum held a press conference Monday to announce the very first-of-its-kind genital recognition software.Read more...

Interested in joining a social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.Read more...

As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for once, the cretins have the right of it; my bronze ear-horn, which once resonated day and night with the metallic shriek of The Onion’s implacable and limb-shearing steam presses, now strains to discern…Read more...

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Next week, iconic artist and director David Lynch and co-author Kristine McKenna will release Room To Dream, a unique, 592-page memoir that combines hundreds of interviews with accounts from Lynch himself, often directly contradicting those interviews. What do you think?Read more...

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WILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup. “I’ve worked with Adam for almost four years now, and he’s never…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Touting the new offering as the perfect gift for Father’s Day or any occasion to celebrate the fashionable man in your life, Brooks Brothers unveiled Friday a new line of monogramed cum rags. “Our high-quality, durable, and stylish cum rags are the only accessory you need to elevate a simple menswear ensemble…Read more...

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Researchers at MIT have created a “psychopath” AI named Norman by training it using data from Reddit, saying that it produced highly disturbing and violent responses to standard prompts such as image captioning. What do you think?Read more...

PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline” Friday after nine minutes of Facebook access without supervision. “There’s a white genocide going on in this country, and no one wants you to…Read more...

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WALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands, defense contractor Raytheon declared war on North Korea, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, the American government has made it abundantly clear with their massive payments and subsidies to the private defense…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—A $30 million donation from a charity run by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, intended to help kids learn to read, has been returned following a resounding “fuck you” from the nation’s illiterate children, sources confirmed Friday. “Take this blood money and shove it up…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Cautioning the public about one of the major potential drawbacks of genetically modifying embryos, ethicists at Harvard Medical School were reportedly worried Friday that the emergence of designer babies could make them look really ugly in comparison. “While gene editing has shown promise as a means of…Read more...

FARMINGTON, NM—Providing an opportunity to rethink the decision to leave the social media site for good, a Facebook prompt reading “You’re deleting your account? We’ll be sad to see you go” appeared on user Emily Feldman’s computer screen Friday and showed her a photo of her own dead body. “Your family and friends…Read more...

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Daddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means a lot to you, so as your daughter I’ve always tried to keep quiet whenever it comes up. But I just can’t stay silent anymore. It’s time for me to stand up for what’s right.Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Claiming that the banner embodied the spirit of the company’s values, Mark Zuckerberg defended his controversial decision Friday to fly a Confederate flag at the Facebook headquarters. “Facebook considers itself an open environment that accepts all perspectives, and white nationalism is an important…Read more...