The Onion

With E3 coming up in less than a month, it’s time to prepare yourself for three days of red-hot game announcements, trailers, and demos from some of the biggest names in video games. Are you ready, gamers? Here’s this year’s press conference schedule.

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Claiming he has “taken a good, long look” at houses, hospitals, churches, and other structures intended for human use or habitation, retail associate Arnold Drucker, 32, said Tuesday that since he has been in or near a great number of buildings, he assumes he would be a pretty good architect. “I mean,…Read more...

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YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Collectively rising up against the threat to their rust belt community, the citizens of Youngstown, a former steel and foundry center, were protesting Tuesday the construction of a truck stop that would obstruct views of the nearby state penitentiary. “That penitentiary has been the symbolic heart of…Read more...

Pope Francis announced a decree requiring priests and nuns to report incidents of abuse or cover-ups to church authorities, saying “the crimes of sexual abuse offend Our Lord […] and harm the community of the faithful.” What do you think?Read more...

Get ready, Pokémon fans, because we have some wonderful news for you: After years of requests from people all over the world, Nintendo announced today that they are finally adding a new grass-type Pokémon based on James Gandolfini in tribute to the late actor’s extraordinary career.Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Facing a backlash over what is perhaps the show’s most confounding move to date, producers for ABC’s The Bachelorette attempted to fend off criticism Monday for its controversial decision to feature a 13-year-old girl in the titular role of the program’s latest season. “She may be a little younger than our…Read more...

After the Trump administration’s failure to comply with congressional requests, Speaker Nancy Pelosi warned that the United States was in a “constitutional crisis” and stressed that House Democrats might move to hold officials beyond William Barr in contempt of Congress. What do you think?Read more...

For some, summer means a time to take in the sunshine and bask in the beauty of nature. But for gamers, summer is the perfect chance to retreat into the air-conditioning and make some serious progress on your backlog of titles. Here are the top games that the guy dating Corey’s mom said he would buy for him this…Read more...

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We all know the gaming world can be tough for women. They are harassed and bullied, and good female characters are few and far between. Thankfully, feminist gamers finally have something to get excited about: The team behind Dead Or Alive 6 have taken a stand and given every one of the female characters in their game…Read more...

NEW BRITAIN, CT—In an attempt to proactively quash concerns among the brand’s diehard fans, Craftsman announced Monday that its newest line of hammers would indeed be backwards-compatible with previous generations of nails. “For anybody worried about whether their nails will still work with the new upgrades, have no…Read more...

MADISON, WI—Taking a moment to reflect on his hard-won personal accomplishment, area liberal Tom Hudson expressed relief Monday that he would never again have to engage in self-examination after finally assembling all the correct opinions. “It definitely wasn’t easy, but now that I have all the proper perspectives on…Read more...

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In a lengthy and impassioned editorial, Facebook cofounder Chris Hughes pressed for the U.S. government to regulate the social media giant in order to combat its monopolistic stranglehold on internet communication and lack of accountability. What do you think?Read more...

For the first time in his presidency, Donald Trump asserted executive privilege to prevent the release of redacted portions of Robert S. Mueller III’s report and other evidence from his investigation. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore the previously endangered creatures to their natural habitat, the United States Fish and Wildlife Service announced Friday a widespread effort to reintroduce straw hat-wearing boys to old fishin’ holes. “These winsome, sunburned, overall-clad specimens—a rural variety of the common…Read more...

About half of all marriages end in divorce, in what can be an incredibly painful process for a couple to go through. The Onion offers some helpful tips for taking stress and anxiety out of a divorce.Read more...

PHOENIX—Swiftly responding to a leaked video they called “incongruent with their core values,” conservative activist group Turning Point USA issued a statement Friday condemning a University Of Nevada, Las Vegas chapter student for filming a racist viral video in portrait mode. “With hundreds of thousands of dollars…Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Asking the public to exercise caution and notify authorities if they encounter the “extremely dangerous” natural disaster, the National Weather Service released a composite sketch Friday of a tornado that officials believe is responsible for devastating the Midwest. “While none of our eyewitnesses…Read more...

PENNSAUKEN, NJ—Warning the children that the 75-year-old matriarch had been dealing with a number of health problems lately, local mother Wendy Gritton devoted the majority of an hour-long car ride Friday to explaining what things will be different about their grandmother during this visit. “Remember, kids, Nana is…Read more...

MONTGOMERY, AL—Defending the measure as necessary to fully eliminate the practice of terminating pregnancies, Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey signed a bill Friday cracking down on abortions by outlawing all medical procedures in the state. “The only way to ensure that not a single abortion ever takes place in the state of…Read more...

BOSTON—Fuming as he referred to the on-field product as “totally unacceptable,” upset Red Sox fan James McCormack pulled aside a Fenway Park employee Friday and demanded to speak to the team’s manager. “Is this the way they treat paying customers? I’m gonna need someone to come up here and explain the level of play I…Read more...

Every company has its weakest link, and at game developer CrushTek Software, that person is programmer David Powell. He apparently doesn’t care that everyone knows how lazy and unprofessional he is because he leaves his office by 11:45 p.m. every single day.Read more...

There’s been some changes lately ’round these parts. Spilling over the countryside from hill to holler, Muslim immigrants have poured in by the millions. And they ain’t just in the big cities anymore. No, sir. They’re in our small towns, too, and some of ’em are even getting themselves elected to public office. Now, I…Read more...

CHICAGO—Speculating that the self-anesthetizing, scalpel-bearing woman must have left the house in a big hurry that morning, passengers on a crowded Chicago Brown Line train confirmed Friday that a fellow rider attempted a quick session of plastic surgery on her face while on her way to work. “She must have overslept…Read more...

A recent investigation into the president’s taxes found that his businesses lost over $1 billion from 1985 to 1995, suggesting he lost more money in those years than nearly any other U.S. taxpayer. What do you think?Read more...

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James Cameron’s long-awaited follow-up to Avatar has seen its release date pushed back by a year until December 17, 2021. What do you think?Read more...

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DENVER—Telling them the relationship would stay the same no matter what happens, divorcing parents Lydia Block and Greg Pascale took a moment to assure their anxious young children that their family dog would always love them, sources reported Thursday. “I know this is a big change, but even though Mommy and Daddy…Read more...

SAN BRUNO, CA—Following the Colorado school shooting that left one dead and eight others wounded, YouTube announced Thursday it had moved quickly to shut down the accounts of one of the suspects after receiving complaints over copyright violations. “Shortly after the heartbreaking events in Highlands Ranch, we took…Read more...

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Among major developers, Naughty Dog has always led the pack for LGBTQ representation. But even considering their track record, the latest trailer for The Last Of Us 2 featured a huge inclusivity win when it revealed that Harvey Milk is still alive and well in the game’s universe.Read more...

NEW YORK—Calling his employees a lean, versatile team capable of being fired at a moment’s notice, local CEO David Bradford described his marketing firm Stact Media as an agile, dynamic company able to respond to any challenge by laying off half of its staff. “This industry is always evolving, but what makes us…Read more...

As the eighth generation of one of the most beloved RPGs out there, the new Pokémon games have been rabidly anticipated by fans. Although details have been scarce, we’ve scoured the web and grilled our exclusive sources to get as many details as we can about the upcoming Switch releases. So, without further ado, let’s…Read more...

An IPCC report found that humanity’s destruction of the planet threatens to cause the extinction of more than 40% of amphibians, 33% of coral reefs, and over a third of all marine mammals. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In what television audience-representation advocates are terming a long-overdue change to an archaic system, NBC announced Wednesday that popular singing competition show The Voice has amended its rules to allow viewers who aren’t white landowning males to cast their votes in the show’s 17th season. “Until…Read more...

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Many diners make decisions about where to eat based on a restaurant’s health inspection grade, but may not know exactly how inspectors arrive at their scores. The Onion provides a primer for how restaurant inspection grades are calculated.Read more...

NEWARK, NJ—Pledging to foster a workplace environment more representative of the animal kingdom at large, local accounting firm Hilltop Partners announced Thursday a commitment to recruiting and hiring more Bengal tiger candidates as part of a new office biodiversity initiative. “Hilltop Partners recently welcomed a…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—An after-school program Fund The Passion launched this week with the aim of inspiring economically advantaged youth to express themselves through funding the arts. “So many wealthy kids in our area show great financial potential, and our goal is to provide them with an opportunity to channel their love…Read more...

Hold on, OGN readers, because it’s almost certain the next big thing in indie gaming is out there right now. Whether you’re a casual or serious gamer, everyone has to play this amazing new game that probably exists about a lonely penguin that inherited his family’s house or some shit like that.Read more...

MIAMI—Referring to the sport as a loss leader that “never really captured public interest,” Marlins officials confirmed Wednesday they were exploring the idea of shutting down the organization’s unprofitable baseball wing. “Unfortunately, we may have to cut our losses and shift our focus to more profitable sectors…Read more...