The Onion

SEATTLE—Exuberantly tapping the glass of the murky case as he tried to attract the attention of hospital staff, transplant patient Robert McCarthy appeared to be barely able to contain his excitement Tuesday while gesturing to the organ he wanted in the surgical wing lobby’s fresh kidney tank. “I want that one, the…Read more...

Life can be pretty rough when you’re feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it starts because school is stressing you out, or you get into an argument with your best friend, or your big crush rejects you. Or maybe your life is actually going okay, but for some reason your mind keeps taking a turn down some pretty dark…Read more...

TOLEDO, OH—In a move that obliterated the final vestiges of his youthful innocence, toddler Charles Mankiewicz, 3, was told Tuesday that he could no longer touch his own genitals at the dinner table, robbing him forever of the simple joy of childhood. “Stop that,” said the child’s joyless parents, ensuring that the…Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—In what experts are calling a bizarre and confusing incident, local man Allen McIntire reportedly awoke from troubled dreams Tuesday to find himself transformed into a gigantic Kafka. Sources confirmed that the traveling salesman, 30, remained in bed for several minutes after waking, struggling to come…Read more...

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GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—Warning that millions would starve in the streets unless world leaders took decisive action, scientists representing the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change confirmed Monday that there was still time left to blow up the Earth before irreversible global warming condemned humanity to slow…Read more...

A survey of 300 women conducted at the University of Pittsburgh found that sexual harassment in the workplace can result in reduced sleep and high blood pressure. What do you think?Read more...

MADISON, WI—Expressing concern that the octogenarian appears too feeble to get the job done, sources confirmed Monday that the apartment management company had apparently sent a senior citizen to fix the sink. “At first I thought he was a resident who had wandered away from his nursing home, but then he said he was…Read more...

MIDDLEBURY, VT—Following in the hallowed and time-honored civic footsteps of their forefathers, Middlebury town council members continued the 242-year tradition of American democracy Monday with 4-1 vote in favor of rezoning a residential lot to accommodate a new Popeyes Chicken franchise. “I’m always happy to support…Read more...

The Senate voted 50-48 to confirm Judge Brett Kavanaugh, President Trump’s second nominee to the Supreme Court, after a bitterly divided process including allegations of sexual misconduct. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a continuation of decades of attempts to improve relations for the historically marginalized group, Columbus Day protests once again erupted across the United States Monday as the nation continues to struggle with the darkness of its anti-Italian past. “Unfortunately, ever since Italians have had a…Read more...

NEW YORK—In a heartfelt social media statement to her fans, singer–songwriter Taylor Swift broke her long-standing political silence Monday to support restoring an all-powerful shōgun to its rightful place on the throne of Japan. “Hey guys, Taylor here—I’m writing this post because I’ve been inspired by recent events…Read more...

ATHENS, GA—Explaining that the behavior provided multiple mental health benefits, a team of top therapists at the University of Georgia’s Department of Psychology issued a statement Monday recommending treating people like shit if you’re having a bad day. “We would strongly advise anyone who finds themselves feeling…Read more...

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SAN JOSE, CA—Unable to completely dismiss his doubt over his partner’s motives, a male North American black-billed magpie admitted Monday his concerns that his mate was only interested in him for the vast collection of shiny objects lining his nest. “I invited her over to the tree to chill, but she spent more time…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Saying he could no longer fulfill his duties as the leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis officially renounced the papacy Monday after admitting that he had fallen in love with a beautiful American divorcee. “I cannot effectively complete my obligations as the Supreme Pontiff while also pursuing a…Read more...

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Atlanta announced plans to change the name of several streets honoring the Confederacy, noting that “the imagery and symbolism of these names [...] represent systematic injustice, persecution and cruelty. That is not who we are as a city.” What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Increasingly confused and embittered after noticing several eerie similarities over the course of their chit-chat, local woman Carrie Vance reportedly felt a twinge of betrayal Friday while sitting in the waiting room of her local salon and watching her hairdresser make small talk with another customer. “What…Read more...

The United Nations ordered the U.S. to ease some of its sanctions on Iran on the import of humanitarian goods and civil aviation. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Suspicious after many patrons noted the hollow thunking noise produced by knocking on the building’s exterior, a group of forensic architects confirmed Friday that the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum, long an architectural mainstay of Manhattan’s Upper East side was, in fact, a forgery. “It seems like a legit…Read more...

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ST. PAUL, MN—Evidently shocked by on-screen events to the point of committing spontaneous breaches of filmgoing etiquette, a man at a Twin Cities showing of A Star Is Born repeatedly annoyed his fellow moviegoers by screaming “Get out of there, you idiot!” every time Bradley Cooper’s character appeared on the screen.…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Freely admitting that his accomplishment was no more than a mere blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things, actor Alan Alda announced Thursday that while it’s certainly much less important than almost everything else currently transpiring, he does in fact wonder if people are aware he’s getting a…Read more...

A New York Times report suggests Donald Trump received at least $413 million in inheritance from his father’s real estate empire, likely through “dubious tax schemes” that raise the spectre of an investigation from the New York Tax Department. What do you think?Read more...

There are 331 candidates for the 2018 Nobel Peace Prize laureate, whom the Norwegian Nobel Committee will reveal on Friday. The Onion takes a look at the top contenders for this year’s Peace Prize.Read more...

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STOCKHOLM—Anxiously awaiting critiques from the judges, the world’s leading scientists nervously stood next to their poster-board displays Thursday as the Nobel Committee made its way through a gymnasium, inspecting their projects. “I stayed up all night cutting out stenciled letters, mounting my results on…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pointing to a more animated presentation style and a charisma that was evident from only a few overheard words, members of the Hidden Treasures Capitol tour confirmed Thursday that the guide one stop behind them was clearly giving a far more interesting tour. “As we were leaving the Rotunda, I could just…Read more...

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At a press conference announcing a newly renegotiated NAFTA, the president shot down questions from the press about Brett Kavanaugh multiple times and told them he considers them “part of the Democratic Party.” What do you think?Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to boost economic growth and retain residents who would otherwise pursue a more exciting and lucrative lifestyle in other areas, Iowa state officials unveiled a new population retention campaign Thursday designed to appeal to younger Iowans’ sense of filial piety with the slogan “The Stress…Read more...

Starting Nov. 1, Amazon will pay all of its 250,000 U.S. employees at least $15 an hour and begin lobbying for an increase to the $7.25 federal minimum wage. What do you think?Read more...

In response to his support for Brett Kavanaugh, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was forced out of the D.C. restaurant Fiola last week by protesters. What do you think?Read more...

TUCSON, AZ—Sighing as he settled into a corner table in the fast-casual eatery, FBI agent Thomas Vaughn, who is still tasked by the intelligence agency with following around left-wing writer Noam Chomsky, was reportedly preparing Wednesday for another day in a local Panera Bread. “I know we’ve been trailing this guy…Read more...

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BERKELEY, CA—In what may pose a major paradigm shift in the rudimentary understanding of the small creatures, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley discovered evidence Wednesday that suggests children may, in fact, be closely related to humans. “After painstakingly extracting, sequencing, and analyzing…Read more...

HEAVEN—Expressing His regret over the damage wrought by the divine substance, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God admitted Wednesday that He could probably have devised a better way to give humans a taste of heavenly bliss than opioids. “I just wanted man to have a preview of how awesome the afterlife will…Read more...

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Touting it as a “historic new dawn,” President Trump announced the USMCA, a replacement for NAFTA that updates intellectual property requirements and opens U.S. access to the Canadian dairy market, amongst other changes. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Hours after the online retailer’s announcement that it would increase the minimum hourly pay rate to $15 for all its U.S. employees, Amazon confirmed Tuesday that paper towels sold on its website had surged to $2,000 per roll due to the crippling cost of paying workers a living wage. “Unfortunately, Amazon’s…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE—Admitting that setting clear goalposts would help them with their tendency to procrastinate, scientists at Harvard University who work better under a deadline announced Tuesday that a cure for cancer was only 10 years away. “Okay, we’re coming out and saying, right now, that cancer will be completely…Read more...

MCKINNEY, TX—In a practice designed to prepare him for the unpredictability of life in general, systems analyst Anthony Cochrane, 29, has consumed multiple servings of spaghetti, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, toast, doughnuts, snack crackers, and garlic bread so far this week, a nutrition regimen he pursues “just…Read more...

The Coca-Cola Company and Aurora Cannabis are in talks to develop a potential drink using CBD, a component of marijuana that reduces pain and promotes relaxation. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Smacking their plump lips in anticipation as they squealed for piles upon piles of sugary delights, the nation’s little piggies took to the streets of the nation’s capital Tuesday to demand their sweet treats. “Oh, please, please, please! Our tummies need their yummies, and they need them now!” piped…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Dismissing the individuals in question as lacking the depth of character necessary to pose a credible national security threat, Homeland Security director Kirstjen Nielsen released a watch list Tuesday of terrorists who don’t have the balls to participate in a direct attack on the United States. “The men…Read more...

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