The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Citing her can-do spirit, belief in her own talents, and considerable trust fund, aspiring screenwriter and playwright Dasha Rothwell confirmed Monday that she was confident she had the safety net it would take to achieve her dreams. “I truly feel I have what it takes to pursue my creative and personal…Read more...

Stressing that Europe could no longer depend on the U.S. for protection, French president Emmanuel Macron called for a trans-European army amongst EU member states. What do you think?Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Noting that students felt increasingly ambivalent about assuming celestial roles, researchers at the University of Notre Dame published a study Monday that revealed only 20 percent of seminary school graduates go on to become God. “Most students decide right before the graduation ceremony that they…Read more...

ATHENS, OH—Responding to their grandfather’s longtime silence on the subject, the family of World War II veteran Thomas Withers told reporters Monday that they figured the reason he never talked about serving was probably because nothing interesting happened to him. “Grandpa never discusses being stationed in…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming that the federal government was taking swift action to help those suffering in California, FEMA officials assured wildfire victims Monday that a bucket brigade is nearly over the Maryland state line. “The FEMA emergency response team is currently standing shoulder to shoulder in a line stretching…Read more...

Read more...

CHICAGO—Exclaiming and pushing past each other as they jockeyed for a clear view of the screen, friends of local man Carl Michaels excitedly gathered around his phone Monday to watch the shaky footage he had recorded of a recent Mt. Joy concert. “Whoa, the audio is so distorted that you can barely even make out what…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

PUERTO BAQUERIZO MORENO, ECUADOR—Describing an astounding variety of naturalists previously unknown to science, a team of ecologists from Stanford University announced Friday the discovery of more than 400 species of Charles Darwin living in the Galápagos Islands.Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

More than 100 women will take seats in the House of Representatives next year, a high watermark for nationwide representation. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—In a matter-of-fact press release addressed to “consumers who might be interested in this sort of thing,” ConAgra Foods informally announced Friday that their Reddi-Wip nozzles can easily fit into most orifices on the human body. “Since our founding in 1948, we’ve been committed to providing Americans with…Read more...

NEW YORK CITY—Emphasizing that the discovery had put the residents of New York in grave danger, officials warned Friday against flushing feminine hygiene products after discovering an 8-foot-long, 250-pound tampon lurking in the sewers. “While the tampon may have started out just a few inches long at first, its…Read more...

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the Mediterranean diet can, in fact, add years to one’s life, but only by taking them away from others. “Our study confirms that a diet rich in foods such as olive oil, fish, and green vegetables can extend one’s…Read more...

Just like any relationship, friendships can reach a point where they’re not beneficial to both participants, but ending one gracefully can be complicated. The Onion offers the best tips for ending a friendship.Read more...

Read more...

HOUSTON, TX—Predicting that the upcoming lunar looks would delight stargazers all over the world, astronomers confirmed Friday that the moon will have dozens of new phases in 2019. “We are excited to announce that as of next year, the moon will add several new and exciting shapes to its usual crescent-shaped phases,”…Read more...

Read more...

In a Wednesday press conference, President Trump said that he hopes to work together with the newly victorious House Democrats on issues ranging from infrastructure to drug pricing. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

President Trump forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign, replacing him with a loyalist who could endanger the independence of the special counsel investigation. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the delay as they worked to correct the dangerous oversight, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Thursday that they had reopened the country’s national parks after finally filling in all the canyons posing hazardous fall risks to visitors. “We are proud to announce that we’ve…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In a heated exchange during a contentious press conference, new CNN entertainment reporter Jim Acosta pressed film directors Scott Mosier and Yarrow Cheney Thursday on an earlier statement they had made concerning their desire to modernize the Grinch for today’s audience. “Sir, you’re on record stating…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

CANTON, MA—Touting the beverage as the perfect drink for those frigid, gray November mornings, Dunkin’ Donuts unveiled a new seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte Thursday to celebrate the end of fall. “Containing our signature coffee mixed with an artisan blend of freshly ground dead leaves and decomposing pumpkin…Read more...

Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In a move relieving his firstborn of the mounting stress associated with the pursuit of his life’s ambition, ailing father Gideon Albright selflessly offered his son, aspiring writer Julian, 27, the perfect excuse to move back home and give up on his dreams. “My father’s diagnosis was tangible proof that…Read more...

People magazine named British actor Idris Elba the sexiest man alive, only the third time a person of color has won in the award’s 32-year history. What do you think?Read more...

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals, including a police officer, and seriously injured at least 12 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there…Read more...

CHULA VISTA, CA—Awed and profoundly moved after witnessing such Zen-like serenity and focus, sources close to pistachio-eater Lawrence Carmichael confirmed Wednesday that he had achieved a complete “flow” state while snacking on the shelled seeds. “I believe his consciousness tuned out all extraneous stimuli or…Read more...

Democrats took back the House of Representatives in the 2018 midterm elections, providing a check on Republican policymaking and a rebuke to President Trump for the next two years. What do you think?Read more...

SANTA FE, NM—In an effort to provide habitually drug-addled community members with more and better legal opportunities for financial self-support, career placement nonprofit Pass It On has announced a new employment program that aims to place burnouts in jobs they can do while totally blitzed out of their minds.…Read more...

NEW YORK—Promising gamers the most authentic equine experience in gaming history, Rockstar Games announced Wednesday that the first downloadable content update to their record-setting open-world Western game Red Dead Redemption 2 will have players reliving the game’s story from the perspective of their favorite horse.…Read more...

SAN QUENTIN, CA—In a new study examining trends in long-term American incarceration, Cornell University researchers found a marked increase Wednesday in the number of prisons encouraging creativity in death row inmates by allowing them to design the method of their execution. “Our investigation revealed that an…Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that the pop hit was certain to have far greater longevity than the entirety of your earthly works, a new report released Wednesday found that the song “Centerfold,” by The J. Geils Band will outlast you and all you create in this life. “After extensive research, we have conclusively shown that the…Read more...

Three U.S. families—the Waltons of Walmart, the Mars candy family, and the Koch brothers—have a combined wealth of $348.7 billion, a fortune that has increased 6,000 percent since 1982. What do you think?Read more...

CAMDEN, NJ—In a move that has left grocery store shelves empty across North America, an increasingly paranoid Campbell’s Soup Company has begun stockpiling the entire production of its eponymous canned soup in preparation for the total catastrophic collapse of civilization. “The end is nigh, and the only way to…Read more...

In a finding divided more by party than gender, a poll found that 43 percent of Americans believe the #MeToo movement has gone “too far,” expressing concern about the rush to judgment and unproven accusations ruining peoples’ careers. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Encouraging voters in need of a ride to take full advantage of the company’s drivers, ride-share service Uber announced Tuesday it would be offering discounted wages for its employees on Election Day. “We want people to get out and vote, which is why our drivers will be working at a 75 percent discount…Read more...

Citizens nationwide are heading to the polls today to cast their votes in the 2018 midterms, deciding which party will control the U.S. House and Senate, alongside other local offices and issues. What do you think?Read more...

Seven years in the making, Red Dead Redemption 2—the third installment in Rockstar Games’ Western-themed series—is one of the most anticipated games of this console generation, and in many ways, this cowboy epic blows away those expectations. Playing through its gunfights, train raids, and elegiac storyline, I…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that they were sick and tired of having their views ignored, Americans nationwide demanded Tuesday that their voices be heard and also some kind of dessert you get after breakfast. “For too long, we have stood in the shadows, silenced by the powerful—but no longer. We insist on…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Humanity has wiped out 60 percent of the world’s mammals, birds, fish, and reptiles since 1970, leading experts at the World Wildlife Fund to warn of an extinction crisis now threatening civilization. What do you think?Read more...

Ridley Scott confirmed that he is currently working on a sequel to the critically acclaimed film Gladiator, which will focus on the life of the character Lucius as an adult. What do you think?Read more...