The Onion

IOWA CITY, IA—Deliberately marshaling the last of her patience with the half-naked preschooler in the hopes of reaching a peaceful resolution, babysitter Rachel Cullman entered into the third hour of negotiations Tuesday to get 4-year-old Caden Foley to put his pants back on as the window before his bedtime drew ever…Read more...

Several new polls show Elizabeth Warren surging to second place behind Joe Biden, suggesting a head-to-head race for the primary’s more liberal voters between herself and Bernie Sanders. What do you think?Read more...

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Launching an ambitious new public relations campaign across multiple media platforms, a coalition of harpoon industry executives unveiled a plan Wednesday to rebrand their product by emphasizing to the public that harpoons can harpoon stuff besides whales. “For centuries, the average consumer has…Read more...

Multiplayer gaming can be a stressful experience with the anonymity of the online world making trolls out of a surprising number of players. But with just a few simple techniques, you can restore the fun and excitement to any game. Here are a few tips to avoid harassment while playing online games.Read more...

CHICAGO—Evidently perceiving a distinct change in the Turkish restaurant’s atmosphere, dinnertime sources confirmed that eatery Taste Of Istanbul was thrown into complete disarray Tuesday by the entry of a single customer. “A couple guys were sorting silverware as I walked in, but once they noticed me, they just…Read more...

Iran said Monday that it had begun enriching uranium and would violate the 2015 nuclear accord within weeks if efforts were not made to ease the damage done by United States sanctions, which themselves violated the deal. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Defending the law enforcement agency from criticism about detaining thousands of people who had been living or seeking asylum in the U.S., Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials argued Tuesday that migrants in their camps are free to die at any time. “It’s been our position from the beginning that if…Read more...

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It’s not often that you’ll see Dad genuinely, full-blown excited about something, and that honestly might be for the best, because right now he’s stoked as all hell and it is a pathetic sight to behold: Dad is excited out of his fucking mind after asking a cab driver in Aruba to take us where the real locals eat and…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly telling them they were interfering with his duties, forensic investigator Albert Correo reminded several police officers at a crime scene Tuesday to stop shooting at the dead body under a sheet. “Listen to me, I’m trying to fingerprint this person so we can identify them, but it’s pretty hard to…Read more...

BEAVERTON, OR—In what the sportswear giant is hailing as a company-wide embrace of body positivity, Nike announced Tuesday it would introduce its first-ever size-inclusive mannequin, a hefty male figure eating a 12-inch hoagie. “We want everyone to feel represented when shopping at a Nike store, so now each of our…Read more...

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Get ready for a blast of nostalgia! Texas Instruments just announced they’re launching a plug-and-play TI-83 Classic that comes preloaded with two dozen games such as ZTetris and 9sweeper.Read more...

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O.J. Simpson joined Twitter this past weekend under the handle @therealoj32, noting that he hoped his presence would be “a lot of fun” and joking that he had “a little gettin’ even to do.” What do you think?Read more...

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UPPER ARLINGTON, OH—Describing how the pop singer’s latest music video provided the encouragement she had been looking for, local teen Gabriella Bowman was reportedly inspired Monday by Taylor Swift to come out as a straight woman needing to be at the center of the gay rights narrative. “As soon as the video for the…Read more...

Ending a tenure marked by a combative relationship with the press and repeated fabrications, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving her post at the end of the month. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Acknowledging that certain practical considerations had been overlooked in production, Boeing president and CEO Dennis Muilenburg admitted at a press conference Monday that the company had made a mistake by including an automatic self-destruct function on all 737 Max airplanes. “At the time, we thought that…Read more...

LUCERNE, NH—Residents of a sleepy village in southern New Hampshire reported their dismay Monday after the recent ominous rise of a dark, sinister underbelly in their small suburban town turned out to just be heroin again. “Lately, there’s just been a real foreboding sense that all wasn’t right around here and that…Read more...

Looks like someone hasn’t been paying attention! Brett Winston, a deeply ignorant man who has apparently learned nothing from history, told friends this week that he’s excited about the upcoming Electronics Arts title Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order.Read more...

BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming their new extra-supportive workout garment represents a huge step forward for women in athletics, Nike unveiled a new sports bra Tuesday showcasing the absolute latest in breast-crushing technology. “Our new state-of-the-art FlattenX sports bra guarantees that your breasts will be not only…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Exhaling and rolling his eyes in exasperation as the credits to Listen Up, Phillip rolled, your father said “That’s it? What the heck was that?” in remarks Monday constituting a scorched-earth capsule review of the movie you suggested your family watch together. “What exactly did you just show me? Is this…Read more...

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FORT WASHINGTON, PA—Expressing disbelief over how well he’s adjusted to civilian life, 33-year-old Marine Corps veteran Aaron Anunoby said Monday he was a little surprised that killing all those people during his years in Afghanistan didn’t leave him with even a mild case of post-traumatic stress disorder. “I always…Read more...

The summer carnival at St. Mary’s Church in Grand Forks, ND is usually just a standard-fare church carnival consisting of small rides and basic games, but the church just upped the ante in a major way: They somehow managed to get an actual goddamn roller coaster this year.Read more...

Japan has passed a ban on flying drones while drunk, threatening to fine intoxicated drone users up to $3,000 and comparing operating drones after consuming alcohol to drunk driving. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—After realizing all six images featured the man sporting a gray blazer over a blue button-down, Tinder sources confirmed Monday that every picture on the dating profile of user Rajesh Jayaram was clearly taken at the same semi-formal event. “Jesus, he’s just wearing this floral-pattern shirt in every single…Read more...

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PACIFIC OCEAN—Noting that the “pathetic jerk” evidently couldn’t be bothered to engage in a fair fight, onlooking ocean life confirmed Monday that a local krill-eating humpback whale was too fucking cowardly to prey on something its own size. “Wow, real mature. Why don’t you go after something that weighs more than…Read more...

Due to her violation of the Hatch Act by disparaging Democratic candidates, Kellyanne Conway should be removed from office, according to a recommendation by the Office of the Special Counsel, a federal watchdog agency. What do you think?Read more...

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The American diet, often criticized for its unhealthiness, has changed significantly over the course of the nation’s existence due to technological breakthroughs, scientific research, and lifestyle developments. The Onion takes a look at how the American diet has changed over time.Read more...

Get ready to hop in a time machine to 2006, WoW fans: Blizzard announced that they are bringing back the original World Of Warcraft so thousands of gamers can relive the most depressing era of their lives.Read more...

MONTES APENNINUS, THE MOON—Gazing upon the stark beauty of the land, retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin announced “one day, this will all be yours” to his great-grandson Nathaniel Friday while taking him on a brief tour around the Moon. “From the Tycho Crater to the Oceanus Procellarum, this land is your birthright as an…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Reviewing the circumstances that led to their defeat by the Toronto Raptors in the NBA Finals, the Golden State Warriors attributed their series loss to forward Kevin Durant rupturing his Achilles, guard Klay Thompson tearing his ACL, and guard Steph Curry being hit by a bus near the end of game six. “No…Read more...

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…Read more...

DURHAM, NC—Shedding new light on the seemingly useless appendage, evolutionary biologists at Duke University published the results of a study this week in which they concluded that humans could lose their vestigial heads in less than 100 years. “We’re not exactly sure what purpose the head serves. Some say we need…Read more...

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EPPING, NH—Expressing frustration over all the people approaching him asking for assistance, local man Dan McDermott was annoyed Friday at being repeatedly mistaken for an employee just because he was driving a forklift through his local Costco. “God, I’m just trying to mind my own business and transport crates of…Read more...

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Scouring the leaderboard to find a name that looked familiar, a professional golfer playing at the U.S. Open Friday admitted that he can never remember if he’s Matt Kuchar or Brooks Koekpa. “I know I’ve won the U.S. Open, so there’s a good chance I’m Koekpa, but I know Brooks is a Nike guy, and it…Read more...

After being threatened by a hacker who had stolen the audio files, Radiohead has released 18 hours of demos documenting the creation of classic album OK Computer in support of the climate fund Extinction Rebellion. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Publicly castigating the president for outstripping their own efforts, media luminaries including Zach Braff and Alyssa Milano held a press conference Thursday in which they criticized Donald Trump for his far superior ability to pivot to politics to save his floundering career. “It’s a national…Read more...

In a move being hailed by animal rights advocates, Canada’s Parliament passed legislation banning whales, dolphins, and porpoises from being bred or held in captivity. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Outlining an alarming trend in which record amounts of American deaths from substance abuse and self-harm aren’t even rooted in raising hell, a report by the Commonwealth Fund published Thursday revealed that U.S. death rates from drugs, suicide, and alcohol have greatly increased, but not in a cool rock…Read more...

RICHMOND, VA—Admitting it didn’t expect to “see [him] so soon after the beating [his] pale ass took,” the sun expressed surprise Thursday upon discovering that pasty fuck Arnold Walden, 33, had apparently failed to learn his lesson from last summer. “Well, well, well. Look who brought his exposed, lily-white neck back…Read more...

We got our hands on some of the most must-play titles of the year at E3 2019. After a lengthy discussion, here are the OGN team’s favorite titles from our time playing on the convention floor.Read more...