The Onion

MILWAUKEE, WI—Concluding that his culinary efforts should “do the trick,” area man Charlie Frye was reportedly just going to assume Wednesday that what he had just done to two cloves of garlic counted as “minced.” “I think I cut it up pretty good—It seems like these pieces are small enough,” said Frye, who had been…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Carefully observing the senior citizen for signs showing his level of commitment to the job, passengers in the car of 81-year-old Uber driver Cordell Eddings reportedly prayed Wednesday that this was just a hobby for the elderly man. “Oh, God, he has to be doing this a couple hours a week just as a way to…Read more...

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WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Citing the numerous negative effects of acting like a total puss, the nation’s older brothers issued a joint statement Wednesday strongly recommending not being such a little bitch. “Having conducted an extensive study of your whining, all of our findings indicate that it would be in your best…Read more...

BETHESDA, MD— Admitting they were unable to recall a survey even remotely so one-sided, researchers from the National Institutes of Health released comprehensive data Wednesday affirming that the practice of genital stimulation continues to enjoy almost universal popularity. “We can say, with absolute confidence, that…Read more...

The makers of Kibbles ’n Bits and Against the Grain brand dog food issued a recall after the FDA found trace elements of sodium pentobarbital—a drug commonly used to euthanize animals—in pet food. What do you think?Read more...

BELLEVUE, NE—Noting that the presence of the deceased body was sucking all the energy out of the room, several sources confirmed Wednesday that the open casket was really ruining the vibe at a local funeral. “We had a good thing going at first, but once you see the dead body in the casket, it’s a major buzzkill,” said…Read more...

In a step toward creating a more plentiful supply of human organs for transplants, Stanford University scientists bred the first sheep-human hybrids. What do you think?Read more...

GENEVA—Having analyzed the data from extensive surveys conducted across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Tuesday that a boat currently capsizing in the Atlantic Ocean had earned a higher quality of life rating than the United States. “Based on our most recent global rankings, we’ve concluded that the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a new study published Tuesday that surveyed U.S. residents about their attitudes toward current events, the Pew Research Center found that approximately 90 percent of Americans described themselves as strongly opposed to each other. “In the questionnaire we administered, nine out of 10 participants…Read more...

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Twitter has come under increasing scrutiny for the way it handles user complaints, with some critics saying the social media site infringes on their free speech and others alleging it doesn’t go far enough. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how Twitter addresses user complaints.Read more...

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MORTON GROVE, IL—Offering a full refund along with its sincerest apologies, Publications International, Ltd. recalled more than 90,000 copies of Brain Games Tuesday after the defective puzzle books were found to give customers Alzheimer’s disease. “While our intent has always been to provide entertainment while…Read more...

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ASHBY, NE—In what experts are decrying as an utter failure to embrace one of life’s greatest opportunities, fertile woman Ashley Wilson, 16, reportedly hesitated on the first step of the incredible journey of motherhood Monday and instead asked her boyfriend to use a condom. “You have protection, right?” said Wilson,…Read more...

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KEARNEY, NJ—Convinced that he was going “straight to hell” for chuckling at a “rule 34” meme involving Peppa Pig, local man Kevin Morgan was reportedly unaware Monday that he would, in fact, suffer eternal damnation for helping his sister get an abortion. “Oh, man, this is so wrong and I know I’ll rot in hell for…Read more...

ALLENTOWN, PA—Marveling at the creature’s unrestrained enthusiasm, local pet owner Jessica Palmer told reporters Monday that her box turtle, Lars Von Tortoise, had been going hog wild on his terrarium’s new moss-covered stick. “Damn, he’s really going nuts on that thing,” said Palmer, adding that the turtle had not…Read more...

The Kern County Coroner’s Office revealed that they are still holding onto the body of serial killer Charles Manson due to a dispute between his son, grandson, and two memorabilia collectors with unproven claims to his remains. What do you think?Read more...

Due to factors such as coat shedding and breeding programs, male dogs have almost double the chance of winning Best in Show at the prestigious Westminster Dog Show. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Searching for a motive to explain the country’s epidemic of mass shootings, sources confirmed Friday that the nation was constantly hearing voices encouraging it to buy a gun. “I hear them all the time, these angry, paranoid voices urging me to go out and arm myself,” said Pennsylvania resident Arthur…Read more...

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In the third episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David attends Calloway Day to see exactly how middle-class America celebrates what little they have, and to see just how deep a hold W.O. Calloway has on the townspeople of Bluff Springs.Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor Raytheon announced Friday it has built a military robot capable of composing heart-wrenchingly poignant poems about the relentless horrors of war.Read more...

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SPRINGFIELD, IL—Describing his ideal work environment as lenient on total incompetence, local man James Kearse told reporters Tuesday he’s looking for a job that plays to his natural talent for half-assing things. “I’ve always had a gift for slapping shit together at the last second, so it’d be nice to finally work…Read more...

BATON ROUGE, LA—In a discovery that may indicate the Jazz Age began thousands of years earlier than traditionally believed, a team of archaeologists from Louisiana State University announced Tuesday that they had unearthed a completely intact mastodon-ivory trumpet. “This horn is our first insight into the possible…Read more...

DECATUR, IL—Lamenting that his viewing experience was already ruined by reveals made in the preview, area man Adam Fredrikson told reporters Friday that he hates it when a trailer gives away the entire premise of a movie. “I’ll be pumped to see a new film, but once the title and basic dramatic conceit are revealed in…Read more...

Sports Illustrated is touting its latest swimsuit issue—which features an all-female crew on some photo shoots and empowering slogans written on nude models—as the first of the #MeToo movement. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the updated procedure could prevent needless tragedies and save countless lives, officials from the National School Boards Association announced Thursday that new active-shooter drills would include practicing pleas to lawmakers to do something about this. “This new training exercise…Read more...

DEARBORN, MI—Forming a macabre display of safety-related anthropomorphic horror, thousands of dismembered and carefully arranged crash test dummies were found lining newly discovered catacombs beneath Ford’s River Rouge Complex, sources reported Thursday. “As my eyes gradually adjusted to the gloom of the labyrinthine…Read more...

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Bed bugs are a common issue, especially in cities, and getting rid of them can be difficult, time-consuming, and expensive. The Onion presents tips for treating a bed bug infestation.Read more...

On the heels of a proposal to cut food stamps, White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney suggested sending needy Americans food directly in a manner he compared to delivery service Blue Apron. What do you think?Read more...

PARKLAND, FL—In the hours following a violent rampage in Florida in which a lone attacker killed 17 individuals and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre…Read more...

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Sony Pictures has issued an apology for insensitively depicting a gardener’s blackberry allergies in children’s film Peter Rabbit after drawing criticism for a comedic scene in which rabbits pelt the villainous character with blackberries. What do you think?Read more...

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FORT COLLINS, CO—A new study released this week by researchers at Colorado State University revealed that 89 percent of U.S. husbands intend to surprise their wives this Valentine’s Day by stripping nude and then donning a skimpy homemade costume so as to bear the likeness of a plump, winged child-angel. “I just…Read more...

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PHOENIX—Calling it the perfect expression of affection for that special animal lover in your life, PetSmart reportedly introduced the world’s first heart-shaped puppy this week just in time for Valentine’s Day. “We believe that your significant other deserves a genetically modified companion as completely unique as…Read more...

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SAN DIEGO—Powerless to escape the frenzied women who had singled him out, area man Charles Wieland, a frail and solitary bystander, was reportedly targeted Wednesday by a pack of female friends who wanted their picture taken outside a local seafood restaurant. “Can you take our picture?” several of the women asked…Read more...

CANTON, OH—Noting the deep and genuine mutual fondness that fans of pornographic Japanese imagery have displayed in the site’s comments, posts, and private messages, sources confirmed Wednesday that popular hentai message board YourHentaiWorld was home to a surprisingly close-knit and supportive user community.…Read more...