The Onion

JUPITER, FL—Insisting that he didn’t want to place an undue burden on a group of people who have served him so well, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft released a statement Thursday announcing his plans to take a voluntary leave of absence from the Orchids of Asia Day Spa. “It is incredibly difficult to walk away…Read more...

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HAVERFORD, PA—Revealing the correlation between personal belongings and mental well-being, researchers at Haverford University published a study Thursday confirming that happiness does not measurably increase based on zipline ownership once a family owns seven ziplines. “Conventional wisdom says that the more ziplines…Read more...

Planned Parenthood revealed that Missouri is within days of losing its last remaining health center that provides abortions due to state-level interference. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO, CA—After waiting in mounting anticipation for nearly an hour only to be duped by an identical marine mammal, audience members voiced their disappointment Thursday in the revelation that the so-called “special guest” appearing at SeaWorld’s sea lion show was, in fact, merely an additional sea lion. “They’ve…Read more...

After serving 17 years of his 20-year sentence, John Walker Lindh, known as the “American Taliban” after his capture in Afghanistan among Taliban soldiers three months after the September 11 attacks, will be released early for good behavior. What do you think?Read more...

BATON ROUGE, LA—Following on the heels of controversial abortion laws enacted by state legislatures across the South, Louisiana lawmakers passed a resolution this week that requires aborted fetuses to be given a full jazz funeral procession through the French Quarter. “While we recognize that women have the right to…Read more...

Heads up, Square Enix fans! If you’ve been waiting to grab a copy of Kingdom Hearts III, now’s your chance because, for the next 30 seconds, it will be available for free while the GameStop clerk is doing something in the back. That’s right: This critically acclaimed action-RPG will be available for a 100% discount,…Read more...

Well, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of feelings you’ve never felt before. I wish I could keep you little forever, but I can’t! It’s not always the easiest thing to talk about, but I want you to know that anytime you have a question about…Read more...

PORTLAND, ME—Reassuring herself that the lump she felt forming between her fleshy mantle and hard outer shell was almost certainly not worth panicking over, a Pemaquid oyster prayed fervently Wednesday that the growth was merely a pearl. “I’m sure this is nothing, but I don’t remember noticing it until the other day,…Read more...

Facial recognition technology has risen in use in various sectors, but its critics argue that it’s being implemented without sufficient consideration of its potential consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of facial recognition technology.Read more...

HINSDALE, IL—Complaining that his unenthusiastic cohort was not even trying to have a good time, avid dogfighting fan Michael Romano confirmed Wednesday that his friend who isn’t that into dogfighting was really ruining the whole match for everyone else. “He just keeps shuffling around the outside of the fighting pit…Read more...

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Celebrity chef Mario Batali is facing an indecent assault and battery charge after a woman reported that he groped her in March 2017 at a Boston restaurant. What do you think?Read more...

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GENEVA—Saying they had no real problem with wealthy thrill-seekers failing in their efforts to scale the tallest mountain on earth, the entire human population admitted Tuesday that they are, in fact, completely fine with rich people dying on Mount Everest. “These guys shelling out a hundred grand to climb a…Read more...

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After a tenure marked by frustration and a repeated failure to exit the European Union, Theresa May—the country’s second female prime minister—will resign from her post on June 7. What do you think?Read more...

In a bold move that could have ramifications throughout the gaming industry, the World Health Organization officially classified gaming disorder as disease this weekend after Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus’ son spent an entire beautiful day inside playing Overwatch.Read more...

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Ever since Bethesda released a short teaser trailer for Elder Scrolls VI at last year’s E3, fans have been speculating and searching for any details about the next entry in the beloved RPG series. The studio has been tight-lipped, insisting that the game is still a long way off, but we here at OGN will never let a…Read more...

PLEASANTVILLE, NY—Expressing consternation that law enforcement officials remained oblivious to his insinuations, New York Times puzzle editor Will Shortz expressed frustration Tuesday that police had yet to crack the patterns of hints and droll clues in his taunting crossword puzzles which reveal the locations of 40…Read more...

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SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Admitting that she never imagined she would ever have to make such a difficult decision regarding the well-being of her infant, struggling single mother Libby Hartman, 26, disclosed Tuesday that she was seriously considering putting her baby up for audition. “I’ve tried almost everything, but money…Read more...

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BEIJING—Explaining that they wanted some nice pictures of everyone for posterity’s sake, officials within China’s Ministry of Public Security asked the entire nation to pose Tuesday while millions of government security cameras took photographs. “Okay, everyone, hold still and give us a smile!” said a booming voice…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Unexpectedly ceding the championship to the Boston Bruins without getting to play a single game, the St. Louis Blues announced Monday that they have been forced to forfeit the Stanley Cup after exhausting their annual travel budget. “This is our bad. The owners have been tightening their belts and we just…Read more...

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi declared victory after a reelection campaign that saw the right-wing nationalist garner over 60% of the vote. What do you think?Read more...

NORFOLK, VA—In an unexpected change of course that sent shockwaves across the animal-rights-activist community, a sudden sexual awakening experienced by PETA president Ingrid Newkirk led to her announcement Monday that being kept in a tiny cage all day “actually sounds hot as hell.” “This is obviously a new…Read more...

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VIENNA, AUSTRIA—Citing the bright, warm color’s steady decline in popularity over several decades, the International Commission on Illumination published a report Monday announcing plans to begin phasing out orange from the visible spectrum. “It’s a classic color, but after thorough consideration, we’ve decided it’s…Read more...

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Ed Sheeran announced his new album, No.6 Collaborations Project, a collection of new tracks created with numerous guest collaborators, including Chance the Rapper, PnB Rock, and Justin Bieber. What do you think?Read more...

CASA PADRE, TX—Saying the incident was so long ago that he had difficulty recalling the girl’s face, ICE agent Ed Thornton couldn’t believe he was being reprimanded Friday for a child who died months ago. “I accidentally killed this toddler, like, six months ago, but literally all my coworkers have had kids die during…Read more...

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In a shakeup to their U.S. menu, McDonald’s plans to begin selling offerings from around the globe, including the Stroopwafel McFlurry from the Netherlands, the Grand McExtreme Bacon Burger from Spain, and Australia’s Cheesy Bacon Fries. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—In what authorities are calling the largest underground anthropomorphic-monster-breeding bust in several decades, the Chicago Police Department freed over 2,000 Southpaws Friday from an illegal White Sox mascot mill on the city’s southwest side. “We received repeated complaints from locals who mentioned…Read more...

Looks like Super Mario Maker 2 is going to be even more awesome than we first thought: Nintendo just announced that the sequel to their wildly popular 2015 world-building game will finally give users the ability to construct a synagogue so that Mario can get a Bar Mitzvah.Read more...

DALLAS—Finally realizing why he’d been getting so many funny looks and odd comments since leaving the house in the morning, financial analyst Christian Metz was mortified Friday to discover he had been wearing his suit backwards all day. “Oh my God, how long have my slacks, shirt, vest, and suit jacket been on…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Experiencing an existential crisis after comparing accomplishments, a depressed LeBron James, 34, realized Monday that at his age Nicolaus Copernicus was already developing his groundbreaking theory of heliocentrism. “Jesus, all my life up to this point has just been playing basketball, when in his early…Read more...

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Clothing store Urban Outfitters will introduces a service called Nuuly where, for $88 dollars per month, a customer can rent six items of clothes to wear and return. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Working at a clip only slightly faster than usual, a team of professional songwriters spent a half hour banging out a new song that will define local teenager Destiny Cibula’s personality for the next two years, sources reported Thursday. “All right, let’s wrap this one up and get to lunch,” a 47-year-old…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In response to the actress’s denial that the two had ever been romantically involved, musician Moby posted a long-range, blurry photo taken through a window to his Instagram page Thursday as proof that he is currently dating Natalie Portman. “Many people have taken umbrage with the characterization of the…Read more...

TABRIZ, IRAN—In a find of enormous significance for the international geological and anthropologic communities, a team of geologists has announced the discovery of a slab of amber containing a perfectly preserved Adam and Eve. “This is an incredible and singular find, as there are very few reliable records indicating…Read more...

SPRINGDALE, AR—Announcing that the winner would receive a year’s supply of their frozen poultry products killed in their method of choosing, Tyson Foods unveiled a contest Thursday to let fans submit new ideas for torturing chickens to death. “We know our fans love expressing themselves as much as they love chicken…Read more...

Japan has begun testing the ALFA-X, a next-generation bullet train with an aerodynamic nose capable of hitting a maximum speed of 248 mph, making it the fastest train of its type in the world. What do you think?Read more...

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