The Onion

NEW YORK—Defending himself against the charges he faces from federal prosecutors, billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein repeatedly swore Monday that he didn’t know the sex-trafficking ring he ran was underage. “I admit they were young-looking, but I was completely unaware that the large network of girls I was sexually…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Addressing the “gross injustice” behind their client’s recent arrest, defense attorneys told reporters Monday that they vow to present irrefutable evidence proving that Jeffrey Epstein is a billionaire. “Frankly, it’s disgusting for anyone to assume that Mr. Epstein would have a net worth of anything less…Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Noting that the weapons used in recent mass shootings were designed to wreak far more havoc, officials with the National Rifle Association held a press conference Monday, insisting that the fatalities racked up in the recent string of mass shootings do not accurately reflect the potential deadliness of the…Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Admitting that he never pictured frittering away his time on Earth in quite this fashion, part-time retail employee Michael Storrs, 34, told sources Monday that he always thought he’d squander his life differently. “If you had asked me, when I was younger, how I’d waste whatever potential I have, I’d have…Read more...

CHICAGO—Noting that the siblings have “an adorable back-and-forth,” sources confirmed Monday that 22-year-old Dan Callan and his 19-year-old sister Autumn have “pretty good chemistry.” “Anyone who knows the Callan kids notices how they really seem to vibe each other. They talk for hours, and since they have a ton in…Read more...

CHICAGO—Announcing that the unbeatable selection of deals and steals had been extended through the long holiday weekend, a late-breaking report released Friday confirmed that it’s not too late to take advantage of The Onion’s Independence Day mattress sale. “There’s never been a better time to score major savings with…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying that it seems no one has engaged with the blank-screened twin-rack supercomputer in weeks, neighborhood sources felt sorry for IBM supercomputer Deep Blue Friday, which has spent its retirement sitting at the Washington Square Park chess tables. “Deep Blue used to be a legend, right up there with Nate…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Describing Petite Blonde Sucks Off Older Brother as “a masterclass in narrative suspense,” critics praised pornographer Axel Daniels’s savvy storytelling acumen Friday for including a preliminary shot of the protagonist’s penis in order to foreshadow it going off later in the story. “Presaging Jax’s…Read more...

TOLEDO, OH—Appalled by the level of deluded selfishness of millennials in the labor force, citizens expressed shock and disbelief Wednesday at the news that Burger King employee Kayla Werther expects to be paid $15 an hour for the simple task of dealing with the absolute worst of America every day. “This kid thinks…Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Assuring His disciples that they would meet again in the next world, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, ordered His followers to swallow cyanide capsules Monday in preparation for their voyage to Alpha Centauri. “Join Me! We embark on our cosmic journey into the farthest reaches of…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging that some of his clients have to overcome some initial hesitation, cognitive therapist Dr. Daniel Boyer spoke Monday regarding his innovative technique of simply allowing his patients to beat the living shit out of him for 45 minutes. “Sometimes I fight back at first, but it’s important for…Read more...

CD Projekt Red has already dropped a lot of fascinating info about Cyberpunk 2077 recently, including tons of information on the in-depth character-creation system. But just yesterday, quest director Mataeusz Tomaszkiewicz shed even more light on one of the game’s coolest aspects, telling reporters that the creation…Read more...

STANFORD, CA—Hoping to raise awareness of a frequently stigmatized and misunderstood issue, experts at Stanford Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry And Behavioral Sciences concluded Friday that the earliest warning signs of declining mental health usually include a compulsion to cross one’s eyes while dribbling…Read more...

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Watch out, Smash players! A new foe has appeared. The Beto O’Rourke campaign just broke new ground recently by making Beto the first presidential candidate available as a Super Smash Bros. Ultimate DLC fighter.Read more...

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OMAHA, NE—OSHA Special Ops recon scouts abseiled through skylights as breach-teams crashed simultaneously through multiple windows with drawn M4 carbines Thursday to launch an Occupational Safety and Health Administration raid on a local office, mere hours after receiving intel on a possible expired fire extinguisher.…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the study of classical civilization, historians at Harvard University published findings Thursday that show the aqueducts were but a small part of a vast, sophisticated system of water parks that once spanned the Roman Empire.Read more...

EDISON, NJ—Gazing wistfully at the maroon 2004 Nissan Altima sedan as it put on its right blinker and merged toward an oncoming off-ramp, motorist Jack Warren admitted Thursday he was “kind of bummed out, really” to see the car he had been driving behind for almost 45 minutes exit off the highway. “Man, we’ve been…Read more...

BALTIMORE, MD—Hoping to give the still-developing prospect more time to find his game, the Norfolk Tides announced Wednesday that third-baseman Anderson Feliz would be sent down to the Baltimore Orioles. “Feliz has been dealing with a couple of injuries and he’s had a little bit of a slump, so we think this will be a…Read more...

Americans will tune into NBC tonight to watch the first of two nights of Democratic presidential debates as the expansive field of candidates vie for the interest of voters. What do you think?Read more...

Indies games can be a portal into another world, letting their developers explore often-emotional themes while pursuing their own individual visions. But many of these games languish in obscurity due to a lack of interest or variable quality. So here are 10 indie games so heartbreakingly pitiful that we decided to…Read more...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Redefining the necessary adjustments required to address the accelerated pace of the growing global environmental crisis, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Brown University concluded that a single individual who wishes to do their part to stop climate change must remove 40,000 cars from…Read more...

BOSTON—Referring to his fellow anonymous Reddit commenter as “a total stooge,” 25-year-old Brian Gallagher ruthlessly scolded another man online Wednesday for having an opinion identical to one he held less than two years prior. “You’re just a fucking tool of the machine, defending the status quo,” said Gallagher,…Read more...

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Released by Naughty Dog back in 1999, the original Crash Team Racing has long been considered something of a cult-classic in the kart racer genre. That’s why it was so exciting to hear that we would finally be getting a modern remake. Needless to say, fans of CTR will not be disappointed, as Nitro-Fueled delivers the…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Concluding an exhaustive seven-year study of the lives of women in every American demographic, the Aretha Franklin Institute for Female Entrepreneurship concluded Tuesday that sisters are doin’ it for themselves. “After interviewing thousands of mothers, daughters, and their daughters too, the data…Read more...

It’s an honest-to-god redemption story: After admitting to friends and family that he had developed a serious problem, 32-year-old gaming addict Trevor Osborne revealed this week that he was trying to slowly wean himself off of real life.Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Asserting that the rough-and-tumble style of play he learned on Mount Olympus was the reason he is here today, Giannis Antetokounmpo told reporters Tuesday that he credits his NBA success to his childhood days of playing basketball against Greek gods. “I really honed my skills on the court by squaring…Read more...

BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that wretched outcast of a woman Hattie Jean was forever trapped between the realms of the dry and the oily due to her accursed combination skin. “No matter where I go, whether…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Springing into action within moments of seeing the plastic cup topple over, hero coworker Brian Alvarez contributed a single tissue to the water-spill cleanup efforts at the desk of an officemate, sources at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services stated Monday. Several reports indicated that Alvarez selflessly…Read more...

HOUSTON—Commemorating the veteran big man for the minutes worth of contributions he made to a great Rockets team, Nenê Hilario was honored as the Tenth Man Of The Year at Monday night’s NBA Awards. “Whether he was high-fiving teammates after a timeout or setting a couple ball screens while the starters rested, Nenê…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Fingering a few chords while approaching the lectern at the press conference, the nation’s men holding acoustic guitars announced their plans Monday to idly strum while you try to speak to them. “We believe the best response to any attempt to engage us in conversation is to nod our heads while tinkering…Read more...