by The Onion on (#3SR7Q)
Onion Social staff physician Harold P. Zweibel definitively concluded that the website is not to blame for mass outbreaks of user illness, putting to bed rumors created by its detractors. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-06 03:30 |
by The Onion on (#3SR7R)
PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to assuage concerns that the website was a clear and present danger to human life, an Onion Social study released Thursday found no clear link between Onion Social use and the uncontrollable vomiting of black bile. “We can say with 100 percent certainty that spending several hours a day…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SR2Q)
PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to recent reports of chaos within his company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Thursday that he would donate $50 to aid Haiti in the island nation’s continuing humanitarian crisis. “I am formally announcing a donation of 50 U.S. dollars for the betterment of life and the ongoing…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SR2R)
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SPJN)
WASHINGTON—In a stunning development unfolding rapidly throughout the once-predominantly Caucasian nation, America’s white population plummeted to 2.7 percent Wednesday following President Trump’s decision to cave on immigration enforcement. “The second that Trump showed weakness on immigration, people throughout…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SPBK)
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the newly signed executive order ending the separation of immigrant families at the border was a return to the United States’ most foundational principles, Americans reportedly finally recognized their own country again Wednesday after witnessing the president do a half-assed job walking back…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SP7T)
PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to make the platform comfortable and accessible for users of all backgrounds, Onion Social announced Wednesday that as part of its continued commitment to diversity, the company would be adding a range of Prophet Mohammed emojis. “This update will give Muslim users a fun and easy way to…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SP7V)
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by The Onion on (#3SP7W)
PALO ALTO, CA—Lauding the important addition to the company’s leadership team, Onion Social announced Thursday the hiring of James Damore to serve as chief technology officer. “Mr. Damore really impressed us with the clarity of his thinking and his innovative solutions to today’s most pressing issues in the tech…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3SPBM)
The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!
by The Onion on (#3SP7X)
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SP2T)
PALO ALTO, CA—Clarifying that the change was simply a much-needed streamlining of the site’s corporate language, founder and CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum defended his company’s decision Wednesday to remove the iconic “You will live†promise from the Onion Social mission statement. “In a dynamic company like Onion Social, we…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SP2V)
PALO ALTO, CA—In response to countless reports of misogynistic abuse taking place on the social network, Onion Social announced Wednesday that it intends to crack down on sexual harassment by banning women from the platform. “Our female user base should know that we’ve heard their concerns and are taking all necessary…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SP2W)
PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to concerns about offensive images and posts appearing on user’s feeds, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Wednesday that the site’s algorithm has been updated to automatically label racist and sexist content as “Debatable.†“We’re sympathetic to anything that makes the site…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SP2X)
Once-popular social media website Facebook has collapsed amidst the unstoppable rise of digital titan Onion Social. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SNXV)
PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to address numerous claims of compromised privacy, Onion Social announced plans Wednesday to offer a free medium T-shirt to anyone who has been a victim of stalking on the website. “The welfare of our users remains Onion Social’s top priority, and we hope those who have felt unsafe on our…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SNSM)
PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185 billion tons of CO2 their facilities pumped into the atmosphere each day, Onion Social denied that the massive worldwide increase in temperatures since Monday was linked to the 50,000 coal-fired plants…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SNMR)
PALO ALTO, CA—Stressing that all Onion Social users should feel comfortable navigating the site’s revolutionary components, CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced on Wednesday plans to address users’ privacy concerns with the addition of a new “Are You Sure?†prompt to Onion Social’s doxing feature. “We firmly believe that…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SNMS)
BERKELEY, CA—Noting the countless shortcomings of the underwhelming biome, ecology experts confirmed Wednesday that the rainforest ecosystem recently destroyed to create room for an Onion Social server farm wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. “After a careful review of the evidence, we can confidently conclude…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SNMT)
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SNFD)
Thanks to its groundbreaking tech, enthusiastic user base, and considerable revenue stream, Onion Social continues to dominate. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SM4T)
EUGENE, OR—Explaining that the alerts induce an unparalleled sense of euphoric bliss, a new study conducted by the University of Oregon Department of Psychology found that Onion Social notifications are 300 times more satisfying to receive than notifications from Facebook. “Using sophisticated neuroimaging techniques,…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SM4V)
WASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees. “Hopefully, I can help motivate…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SM13)
Onion Social has shot to the top of the Fortune 500 list with a $22.7 trillion market value, roughly five-fourths of U.S. GDP. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SKWV)
NEW YORK—Shouting directly at the camera while a graphic of two infants appeared on the screen behind him, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson used the opening segment of his show Tuesday to angrily explain the difference between a good baby and a bad baby. “Idiot liberals will tell you that there’s only one type of baby,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SKRF)
SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along the Mexican border, MS-13 gang leader Edwin Manica Flores admitted Tuesday that observing ICE’s work in recent weeks has provided him with quite a bit of inspiration. “Seriously, we would have never…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SKMT)
PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a report Tuesday revealing that 45 percent of users had survived beta testing. “We easily expected an 80-90 percent mortality rate, so we couldn’t be more thrilled that nearly half of all testers will be…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SKMV)
SAN FRANCISCO—Placing the Facebook founder under arrest after he briefly attempted to flee, San Francisco police busted a filthy, unshaven Mark Zuckerberg in the early hours of the morning Tuesday for trying to sell his personal data on a street corner. “Here, if anyone wants my browsing data, my search history, my…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SKAX)
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3SK60)
SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout†for the six-limbed insects, local sources confirmed Tuesday that a group of ants were having some kind of wild party inside a crack in the pavement. “Wow, those ants look like they must be having a total blast in there,†said Sam Pendleton, a…Read more...
Working-Class Silicon Valley Residents Beg Onion Social To Demolish Their Homes For New Headquarters
by The Onion on (#3SK61)
SANTA CLARA, CA—Saying it would be an honor to help the world-changing social media company in even a small way, working-class residents of Silicon Valley started a campaign Tuesday begging Onion Social to demolish their homes for its new corporate headquarters. “Please, this is the least we can do—we would gladly…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SK62)
Owing to its innovative organizing and messaging abilities, flourishing social network Onion Social has inspired a wave of successful democratic uprisings in Sudan, North Korea, Syria, and dozens of other oppressed nations. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3SHNK)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3SHNM)
LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of self-improvement, Netflix representative Tina Komal spoke in defense of a recent episode of ‘Queer Eye’ wherein the the Fab Five were forced to euthanize a contestant who was a completely hopeless slob. “We…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SHJV)
MOSCOW—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of the World Cup, Argentinian forward Lionel Messi was reportedly pissed off Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during a group stage match against Iceland. “Shit. Of course the one time I leave it in the locker room, I go out…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SHFK)
Within hours of its launch, the newly unveiled website Onion Social skyrocketed into being the world’s most popular social media site, eclipsing potential rivals with over 8.3 billion unique users. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SH89)
PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming that she needed a real man who could actually love and fulfill her, Priscilla Chan announced Monday that she was leaving husband Mark Zuckerberg for Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum. “I finally woke up to the lie I’ve been living—Mark just isn’t enough for me. He can’t satisfy me intellectually…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SH49)
PALO ALTO, CA—Touting the unparalleled precision and numerous uses of its new state-of-the-art security feature, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum held a press conference Monday to announce the very first-of-its-kind genital recognition software.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SH0B)
Interested in joining a social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.Read more...
by T. Herman Zweibel on (#3SH0C)
As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for once, the cretins have the right of it; my bronze ear-horn, which once resonated day and night with the metallic shriek of The Onion’s implacable and limb-shearing steam presses, now strains to discern…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SH0D)
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SDVF)
Next week, iconic artist and director David Lynch and co-author Kristine McKenna will release Room To Dream, a unique, 592-page memoir that combines hundreds of interviews with accounts from Lynch himself, often directly contradicting those interviews. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SDRK)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SCRD)
WILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup. “I’ve worked with Adam for almost four years now, and he’s never…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SCNS)
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by The Onion on (#3SCNT)
NEW YORK—Touting the new offering as the perfect gift for Father’s Day or any occasion to celebrate the fashionable man in your life, Brooks Brothers unveiled Friday a new line of monogramed cum rags. “Our high-quality, durable, and stylish cum rags are the only accessory you need to elevate a simple menswear ensemble…Read more...