The Onion

SALT LAKE CITY—Researchers from the cardiology division of the University of Utah School of Medicine released a new report Monday revealing that consumption of energy drinks can lead to your heart bursting out of your chest and riding away on a tiny skateboard. “Our study found that individuals who ingest just one or…Read more...

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BOSTON—Saying the thought of the beloved home assistant languishing in solitude “completely and utterly broke my heart,” local woman Greta Benson, 36, expressed dismay Monday upon learning that her Google Home had been sitting in her front window and barking at passersby all day. “I got home from work and the…Read more...

J.K. Rowling will release four short Harry Potter e-books next month exploring the history of magic through themes such as “Defence Against the Dark Arts” as well as “Potions and Herbology” alongside never-before-seen sketches and notes from the series’ universe. What do you think?Read more...

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Virginia in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals and injured four others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...

Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare won’t be in stores until October, but the reboot of the beloved gaming series is already garnering massive praise for the grim, harrowing fun users can have while killing civilians. Ever since developer Infinity Ward released a trailer yesterday, critics have been lauding the game for the…Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—During an introduction of the show’s game board Friday, grinning Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek reportedly unveiled a series of highly intrusive categories about current champion James Holzhauer’s personal life before snickering, “Let’s see you answer these, James.”Read more...

In an extraordinary admission of foreign interference in the 2016 election, President Trump tweeted that he had nothing to do with Russian efforts that helped him “to get elected” before later contradicting this statement in conversation with reporters. What do you think?Read more...

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THE UPPER REALM—Gasping as a murky, flickering cloud slowly began to engulf the map he had drawn with his staff in the stars above, the aged and wizened fantasy character Astron the Ancient confirmed to reporters Friday that the darkness had finally been awakened, just as the ancestors had foretold. “The Shadow…Read more...

Huge news for Twitch fans everywhere: The streaming platform just announced that they’ll now allow users to broadcast nude as long as everyone promises not to get aroused or do anything weird. That’s right: So long as all 15 million users agree they won’t get turned on by this change, it looks like the dream of gaming…Read more...

GENEVA—In an effort to fight the persistent threat posed by the potentially fatal infection, the World Health Organization issued a warning Friday about the resurgence of Guinea worm disease after a 150-ton specimen of the Dracunculus medinensis species heaved itself out of the Atlantic Ocean. “We urge Guinea Coast…Read more...

Former Alabama judge Roy Moore is reportedly considering making another bid for the state’s Senate seat despite accusations of dating underage teenagers and warnings from the Republican establishment. What do you think?Read more...

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Investigating a crime scene is a much more complex process than it might appear in its pop-culture examples. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a crime scene investigation works.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Feeling that the scene wasn’t completely necessary to tell the famed musician’s life story, viewers of the Elton John biopic Rocketman told reporters Thursday they were not entirely convinced the film needed to include a 45-minute scene depicting Princess Diana’s death. “I understand she was a close friend…Read more...

NEW YORK—Overcome with a swell of emotion while recalling the final words of Arizona senator John McCain, a tearful Meghan McCain opened up Thursday about how her late father’s dying wish was for her to be given her own daytime talk show. “My father was a genuine American hero, and it’s only right that we honor his…Read more...

Directly contradicting past stances that blocked Merrick Garland from joining the court, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said this week that he would fill a Supreme Court vacancy in 2020. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the seemingly concerning events actually had a perfectly reasonable explanation, the U.S. government announced Thursday that it had closed the case on investigating recent UFO sightings after determining the crafts were just routine Psylandorian patrol ships. “After following up on…Read more...

The current gaming generation is winding down, which means it’s time for the next war for console supremacy to begin. Here are all the hottest leaks, rumors, and tidbits we’ve heard about Sony’s next-gen PS5.Read more...

HOUSTON—In a last-ditch effort to populate their otherwise empty tables, financially troubled theme restaurant chain Rainforest Cafe introduced tens of thousands of lifelike animatronic patrons to their restaurants Thursday. “We’re excited to announce that the anthropomorphic wildlife, which has been our hallmark…Read more...

Well, Fortnite fans, let’s hope you were logged on this morning, because something epic just went down off the southeast coast of Paradise Palms. After weeks of leaking teasers, Epic Games finally unveiled their latest large-scale virtual experience: At 10 a.m., they hosted a massive in-game seminar where Martin…Read more...

JUPITER, FL—Insisting that he didn’t want to place an undue burden on a group of people who have served him so well, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft released a statement Thursday announcing his plans to take a voluntary leave of absence from the Orchids of Asia Day Spa. “It is incredibly difficult to walk away…Read more...

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HAVERFORD, PA—Revealing the correlation between personal belongings and mental well-being, researchers at Haverford University published a study Thursday confirming that happiness does not measurably increase based on zipline ownership once a family owns seven ziplines. “Conventional wisdom says that the more ziplines…Read more...

Planned Parenthood revealed that Missouri is within days of losing its last remaining health center that provides abortions due to state-level interference. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO, CA—After waiting in mounting anticipation for nearly an hour only to be duped by an identical marine mammal, audience members voiced their disappointment Thursday in the revelation that the so-called “special guest” appearing at SeaWorld’s sea lion show was, in fact, merely an additional sea lion. “They’ve…Read more...

After serving 17 years of his 20-year sentence, John Walker Lindh, known as the “American Taliban” after his capture in Afghanistan among Taliban soldiers three months after the September 11 attacks, will be released early for good behavior. What do you think?Read more...

BATON ROUGE, LA—Following on the heels of controversial abortion laws enacted by state legislatures across the South, Louisiana lawmakers passed a resolution this week that requires aborted fetuses to be given a full jazz funeral procession through the French Quarter. “While we recognize that women have the right to…Read more...

Heads up, Square Enix fans! If you’ve been waiting to grab a copy of Kingdom Hearts III, now’s your chance because, for the next 30 seconds, it will be available for free while the GameStop clerk is doing something in the back. That’s right: This critically acclaimed action-RPG will be available for a 100% discount,…Read more...

Well, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of feelings you’ve never felt before. I wish I could keep you little forever, but I can’t! It’s not always the easiest thing to talk about, but I want you to know that anytime you have a question about…Read more...

PORTLAND, ME—Reassuring herself that the lump she felt forming between her fleshy mantle and hard outer shell was almost certainly not worth panicking over, a Pemaquid oyster prayed fervently Wednesday that the growth was merely a pearl. “I’m sure this is nothing, but I don’t remember noticing it until the other day,…Read more...

Facial recognition technology has risen in use in various sectors, but its critics argue that it’s being implemented without sufficient consideration of its potential consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of facial recognition technology.Read more...

HINSDALE, IL—Complaining that his unenthusiastic cohort was not even trying to have a good time, avid dogfighting fan Michael Romano confirmed Wednesday that his friend who isn’t that into dogfighting was really ruining the whole match for everyone else. “He just keeps shuffling around the outside of the fighting pit…Read more...

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Celebrity chef Mario Batali is facing an indecent assault and battery charge after a woman reported that he groped her in March 2017 at a Boston restaurant. What do you think?Read more...

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GENEVA—Saying they had no real problem with wealthy thrill-seekers failing in their efforts to scale the tallest mountain on earth, the entire human population admitted Tuesday that they are, in fact, completely fine with rich people dying on Mount Everest. “These guys shelling out a hundred grand to climb a…Read more...

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After a tenure marked by frustration and a repeated failure to exit the European Union, Theresa May—the country’s second female prime minister—will resign from her post on June 7. What do you think?Read more...

In a bold move that could have ramifications throughout the gaming industry, the World Health Organization officially classified gaming disorder as disease this weekend after Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus’ son spent an entire beautiful day inside playing Overwatch.Read more...

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Ever since Bethesda released a short teaser trailer for Elder Scrolls VI at last year’s E3, fans have been speculating and searching for any details about the next entry in the beloved RPG series. The studio has been tight-lipped, insisting that the game is still a long way off, but we here at OGN will never let a…Read more...

PLEASANTVILLE, NY—Expressing consternation that law enforcement officials remained oblivious to his insinuations, New York Times puzzle editor Will Shortz expressed frustration Tuesday that police had yet to crack the patterns of hints and droll clues in his taunting crossword puzzles which reveal the locations of 40…Read more...

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SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Admitting that she never imagined she would ever have to make such a difficult decision regarding the well-being of her infant, struggling single mother Libby Hartman, 26, disclosed Tuesday that she was seriously considering putting her baby up for audition. “I’ve tried almost everything, but money…Read more...

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BEIJING—Explaining that they wanted some nice pictures of everyone for posterity’s sake, officials within China’s Ministry of Public Security asked the entire nation to pose Tuesday while millions of government security cameras took photographs. “Okay, everyone, hold still and give us a smile!” said a booming voice…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Unexpectedly ceding the championship to the Boston Bruins without getting to play a single game, the St. Louis Blues announced Monday that they have been forced to forfeit the Stanley Cup after exhausting their annual travel budget. “This is our bad. The owners have been tightening their belts and we just…Read more...

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi declared victory after a reelection campaign that saw the right-wing nationalist garner over 60% of the vote. What do you think?Read more...