The Onion

BURBANK, CA—Upon the release of the much-awaited third installment of the popular video game franchise, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday that Kingdom Hearts III would feature Ernest, Turner, Hooch, and all the rest of your favorite Touchstone Pictures characters. “In addition to incorporating elements from…Read more...

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BOULDER, CO—Claiming that anyone with even a little bit of pride in their company would have dismissed such a terrible employee by now, telemarketer David Baker, 29, said Tuesday that he was losing respect for the “obviously incompetent” boss who continues not to fire him. “He called me into his office about a month…Read more...

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The Doomsday Clock, created by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists as an indicator of the risk of doomsday, remained at two minutes to midnight this year due to significant threats of nuclear warfare and climate change. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—With the federal government back open this week, food safety officials at the U.S. Department of Agriculture reported Monday that they had begun a round of quick smell tests in order to inspect the sizeable backlog of meat that had piled up over the course of 35 days. “The shutdown put us really far behind…Read more...

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Admitting that their tentative accord to end the war in Afghanistan came with some reservations, Taliban officials announced Monday that they had agreed to a peace deal despite their concerns about America’s human-rights record. “We’re willing to come to the table to achieve a peace between our two…Read more...

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Saying they have begun to make significant headway in the case, law enforcement officials told reporters Monday that new evidence in an ongoing murder investigation has allowed them to narrow down the list of actors who could portray the killer in a Hollywood movie.Read more...

WASHINGTON—In what experts confirmed represents one of the largest violations of personal privacy in the nation’s history, public advocacy agencies revealed Monday that 340 million Social Security numbers had fallen into the hands of the federal government in a massive data breach. “By exploiting critical…Read more...

BOULDER, CO—Insisting that this, right now, is the moment to get in on the ground floor if you want to “make bank,” local brother-in-law Doug Mooreland recounted Monday to all available family members that he has, in fact, heard that one can make “a shitload of money” doing that. “I mean, even if you’re only, like,…Read more...

According to a Yale and George Mason poll, more than 70 percent of Americans now feel climate change is personally important to them, a 9 percent increase from last March and a record in polling that reveals rapidly changing perspectives nationwide. What do you think?Read more...

TULSA, OK—Visibly upset by the lengthy conversation with her paternal grandmother, bistro manager Allison Boyer, 24, admitted Monday that her grandmother’s #MeToo stories of daily life as a single woman in the 1950s and ’60s were “fucking horrifying.” “All I did was ask her about what her life was like before she met…Read more...

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In a surprise decision, the president caved to Democrats and agreed to reopen the government for three weeks without gaining any funds for a hypothetical border wall. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—Admitting that relying on the skill set was fairly obvious in hindsight, CBS commentator Tony Romo realized Friday that he probably should have used his ability to read defenses back when he was still playing. “Aw, jeez, you know, being able to determine whether the secondary was staying in man or dropping…Read more...

HONOLULU—Noting that the arthropod’s natural problem-solving abilities had far surpassed their expectations, marine biologists at the University of Hawaii reported Friday that they had trained a highly intelligent octopus to profitably manage a mid-sized aluminum goods supplier. “We knew our subject had a high IQ, but…Read more...

Public debate over a plan backed by some progressive Democrats to increase the marginal tax rate has shown how common misconceptions can make it difficult to understand the way America’s tax system works. The Onion breaks down some widely held myths about taxation in the United States.Read more...

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The number of Americans turning to traditional outlets for their news has risen from 28 percent to 40 percent amidst a rash of fake news on social media and blogs. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Drawing in an audience of nearly eight million viewers, ABC executives confirmed Thursday that the highly anticipated season finale of The Conners had scored excellent ratings by killing off the rest of the family. “We knew fans were expecting the last episode of the season to really pack a punch, so we…Read more...

LONDON—Shedding light on her creative process amid announcements of her forthcoming book, Fifty Shades trilogy author E.L. James conceded Thursday that her new erotic novel, The Mister, had begun as a piece of fanfiction about the ’90s animated TV show Tiny Toon Adventures. “There was so much exciting chemistry…Read more...

YouTube will alter its guidelines to cut down on the number of dangerous prank videos on the service, such as the Tide Pod or Bird Box challenge. What do you think?Read more...

Beware, for evil is hiding in plain sight! Most of these nipples are innocent male nipples, but lurking among them is one wicked nipple of the female!Read more...

NEW ALBANY, OH—Commenting upon the odd feeling produced by the chance encounter, local teenager Evelyn Hildebrand confided to reporters Thursday that she was “totally weirded out” after running over her English teacher, Ted Miller, outside of school. “It took me by surprise because he just kind of appeared out of…Read more...

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ABINGTON, PA—Frustrated that his local police precinct was shirking responsibilities, a masked vigilante confirmed Thursday that he would be taking the work of terrorizing the black community into his own hands as long as law enforcement officers failed to do so. “It’s become crystal clear that our police won’t do…Read more...

Roku has backtracked on its decision to give Alex Jones’ “Infowars” videos a channel on its service, citing intense backlash on social media. What do you think?Read more...

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ST. LOUIS—Noting that recording artists, musical groups, and associated acts now outnumber the global population roughly 50 to one, a study conducted by the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences found Thursday that no two people have listened to the same band since the autumn of 2003.…Read more...

HOUSTON—Furious after once more failing to receive enough votes for induction into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, seven-time Cy Young winner Roger Clemens reportedly went off on a reckless performance-enhancing-drug bender Wednesday. “As soon as I found out I wasn’t getting in, I started hitting the HGH pretty…Read more...

There will be hundreds of scripted and unscripted shows airing in 2019 as the television boom continues, making anything you watch that you don’t absolutely love a complete waste of your precious time. The Onion takes a look at 2019’s most hotly anticipated TV shows.Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—After a biopsy determined a tumor removed from his kidney was benign, local 28-year-old Andrew Keller was reportedly reassured by doctors Wednesday that he still had quite a few years of staring at his smartphone ahead of him. “Good news: The tests came back completely negative, which means you’ll be…Read more...

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences unveiled its nominations for the 91st annual Oscars with nods to The Favourite and Roma alongside nods for Black Panther and A Star Is Born. What do you think?Read more...

BETHESDA, MD—In a groundbreaking new study on the effects of stressful everyday events on the addiction patterns of average Americans, the National Institutes of Health found this week that upwards of 30 percent of those who quit smoking will relapse by raising a cigarette to their lips with trembling fingers as they…Read more...

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OMAHA, NE—Saying she’d “psyched herself out” during the last few story times at her local library, area puppet Phoebe the Pig admitted to reporters Wednesday that due to nerves, she had no idea what to do with her hands. “The minute I got out there in front of the kids, I felt uncomfortable. It was like my arms were…Read more...

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Presenting a romanticized snapshot of regional biodiversity, a local nature preserve reportedly set highly unrealistic expectations Monday with a visitor center full of taxidermied animals. “Whoa, a beaver, a timber wolf, and a pack of bobcats just chilling on a rock,” said first-time visitor Stephanie…Read more...

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For the third year running, the New England Patriots will go to the Super Bowl—this time to face off against the Los Angeles Rams. What do you think?Read more...

Kamala Harris, the California senator and former attorney general, announced plans for a 2020 run, emphasizing justice and equality as she entered the Democratic presidential field. What do you think?Read more...

LAUREL, MD—Telling himself the wisest course of action was to avoid all eye contact and let the chips fall where they may, weird kid Jason Butler opted Tuesday to sit perfectly still and let the universe determine his destiny after his chemistry teacher instructed students to select a partner for their next…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Depicting a standoff between Catholic high school students, a group of Black Hebrew Israelites, and a Native American elder, a viral video from the March for Life last Friday has sparked a national debate over the ethics of drumming in public. “Those on one side of the argument say there is inherent value…Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that his four years at Fordham University hadn’t even led to a 3,000-square-foot penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side yet, local 24-year-old Alex Michaelson, who still hasn’t achieved his dream life, told reporters Tuesday he regrets wasting money on a college education. “What’s the point of…Read more...

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As the government shutdown extends to the longest in history, a new NPR/PBS/Marist poll found Trump’s approval down to 39 percent, a seven-point net change in the past month. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Calling it the most debauched correspondence that had ever been submitted to “Savage Love,” advice columnist Dan Savage was disgusted Monday by a letter from a perverted reader contemplating oral sex. “Over the course of my 20-plus years writing this column, I’ve helped people with some pretty heinous…Read more...

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