The Onion

NEW YORK—Insisting that he could easily lure several free agents into giving up their hopes for a championship, Knicks president Steve Mills confirmed Tuesday that he was confident the team had the requisite cap space to ruin two or three promising careers this offseason. “After making moves at the trade deadline to…Read more...

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DENVER—Appearing inexplicably mesmerized by the unremarkable scenery below, Delta flight 2127 passenger Richard Hart, 38, was glued to the window of the Airbus A321 “like it was fucking 1956,” travellers confirmed Tuesday. “Jesus, this guy is staring out that window as if the miracle of aviation was bestowed upon…Read more...

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COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting the couple’s dull conversation and bored expressions while dining at the otherwise enchanting Pepper Tree Restaurant, bystanders marked all the telltale signs of a terrible first date Tuesday as Crystal and Jacob Rubens celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary at a quiet, candlelit table.…Read more...

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Warner Bros. has brought back Aquaman’s writer to draft a sequel to the original film, which made $1.1 billion globally at the box office despite a negative reaction from critics. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Regaling her sister’s sons with previously untold stories from adolescence, local aunt Sherri Neely scored big Monday with her nephews Bobby and Ben Cecil by dropping the bombshell story about their mother smoking weed as a teenager. “You should have seen their faces when I told them about me and Marci getting…Read more...

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The U.K. passed a bill outlawing “upskirting,” giving a maximum of two years to offenders who take photographs beneath a person’s clothes without permission. What do you think?Read more...

LANCASTER, PA—Awestruck by the sight of their longtime colleague struggling out of his jacket and adjusting his cuffs, coworkers found themselves agog Monday as data analyst Drew Terrell introduced a new shirt into his wardrobe rotation. “Oh, my God, he got a new shirt,” said Terrell’s cubicle neighbor Kelly Brennan,…Read more...

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A recent study found that women’s brains tend to appear to be about three years younger than those of men at the same age, a difference scientists suggest could give them an advantage in maintaining cognitive acuity as they get older. What do you think?Read more...

After dozens of polar bears flooded into the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, local authorities have declared a state of emergency. Environmental experts in the region have arrived to sedate and remove the population. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Warning that swift climate action was needed if local populations were to survive, a study released Friday by the EPA revealed an alarming trend of Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reporting further south for spring training every year. “It wasn’t long ago that pitchers and catchers could be…Read more...

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BEIJING—Lamenting the country’s widening political divide, local man Lei Chen admitted to feeling worried Friday that you couldn’t even have a respectful debate about how amazing the government is anymore. “We’ve become so polarized between people who believe we’re the best country in the world and people who believe…Read more...

An increasing number of people advocate being open about salaries as a way to fix pay iniquities and encourage employees to ask for more compensation, but there are many cultural and professional taboos around the practice. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of salary transparency.

WASHINGTON—Speaking out against his former employer while testifying before Congress, terminally ill snack-food mascot Chester Cheetah apologized through tumor-riddled lips Friday for his role in marketing dangerously cheesy Cheetos to children. “I’m ashamed to have been a part of this campaign,” said Cheetah, who…Read more...

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YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—In an effort to make one of the country’s most celebrated natural wonders more accessible to the public, Department of the Interior officials announced Friday that Yosemite National Park would expand its lodging options by constructing dozens of new log cabin high-rises. “There’s really no better…Read more...

Today, millions of Americans will celebrate romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day?Read more...

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HARTFORD, CT—Wishing he could return to browsing golf instructional videos in peace, local resident Brian O’Connell reportedly expressed irritation Thursday that an annoying YouTube algorithm was not letting him forget the single time he watched 14 straight hours of Hitler speeches. “It’s so aggravating, I mean, all I…Read more...

COEUR D’ALENE, ID—In an effort to reach out to members of the community often forgotten on Valentine’s Day, local Meals on Wheels volunteers reportedly delivered hundreds of packages containing body chocolate, edible underwear, and other erotic treats to elderly shut-ins Thursday. “We’re making sure older folks who…Read more...

Joaquín Guzmán Loera, the Mexican drug kingpin known as El Chapo, received a life sentence for criminal enterprises including decades of drug trafficking, bribery, and murder. What do you think?Read more...

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BRISTOL, ENGLAND—Dropping his spray paint in annoyance and grabbing a length of extension cord, the anonymous street artist Banksy methodically killed another few kids Thursday after they stumbled upon him painting the side of a building. “Aw, Christ, not again,” said the famed muralist, who casually wrapped the cord…Read more...

CANCUN, MEXICO—Insisting none of the myriad souvenirs before him could possibly capture the all-inclusive resort’s fantastic buffet, local man Robert Washburn told reporters Wednesday he feared his Cancun vacation was far too complex to be conveyed through a single keychain. “Yes, of course, it’s true that I ‘heart’…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the “secret program” would be forever suspended, Maybelline global president Leonardo Chavez announced Thursday that the company would stop testing new products on unsuspecting customers in the middle of night. “As of today, Maybelline will no longer test any of our products—including…Read more...

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Congressional negotiators have reached a tentative deal to avert a shutdown, providing $1.375 billion for 55 new miles of border fencing in Texas’ Rio Grande Valley area, which some conservative pundits have criticized as far short of Trump’s requested amount. What do you think?Read more...

MARS—Journeying thousands of lightyears to honor their fallen peer, spacecraft traveled from all over the Milky Way to attend a ceremony celebrating the late Opportunity rover’s life, sources close to the deceased reported Wednesday. “We came as soon as we received the gamma-ray transmission informing us of…Read more...

SUNNYSIDE, WA—Asserting that the matter was a simple weather-related livestock incident requiring no particular investigation, Washington state authorities announced first thing Wednesday morning that an unusually intense blizzard was responsible for the deaths of 1,600 mutilated dairy cows found arranged in a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing effort to promote voices historically neglected by the magazine, National Geographic announced Wednesday that it would expand the ideological diversity of its masthead by hiring its first-ever writer opposed to tree frogs. “We grow stronger as a publication when we are able to provide…Read more...

A Global Burden of Disease analysis found that deaths per 100,000 people declined 32.7 percent since 1990, a promising finding that researchers attribute to greater spending on prevention. What do you think?Read more...

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Visibly wincing while watching the sensei’s assistant being slammed repeatedly to the tatami mat, onlookers at Buckeye Aikido Academy confirmed Wednesday that understudy Barry Eiselmann was getting his ass absolutely whipped during a demonstration of basic takedowns. “Wow, he just fucking threw him…Read more...

Artificial intelligence has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades, giving rise to thrilling possibilities as well as provoking controversy about its potential consequences for humankind. The Onion presents a timeline of artificial intelligence.Read more...

A recent analysis found more than 40 percent of insect species are declining and a third are endangered, a development that threatens to upend ecosystems worldwide. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Saying it was standard for any expecting mother’s 20-week checkup, ultrasound technician Jean Krebacher asked one of her pregnant patients Tuesday if she would like to know the name of her unborn child. “This is the moment of truth—I can tell you the first name now, or you can wait to find out until delivery,”…Read more...

Clark County, the region of Washington troubled by an outbreak of 50 cases of measles, has seen vaccination rates surge by 500 percent in the past month as parents scramble to ensure their children are not infected. What do you think?Read more...

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Saying he’d definitely need a lot more of a “hook” to captivate a courtroom, local attorney Ari Berkley reportedly told her character witness Tuesday that he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a star witness. “Look—you’ve got great delivery, and you’re clearly passionate about the case, but I’m not…Read more...

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