The Onion

LONDON—Stunning fans of the royal family across the world with their decision to break from age-old traditions of monarchical lineage, unemployed couple Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Friday that they plan to give up their soon-to-be-born baby for adoption. “It was a hard choice to make, but with both of us…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Startled by the sudden appearance of the shadowy overcoat-clad figure, the U.S. populace was “completely spooked” after running into a creepy old night watchman late Thursday evening. “We thought if we avoided the lighthouse and cut through the woods out back of the old Palmer place we’d be okay, but he…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Claiming the mobile payment app’s latest update will facilitate noticeably faster transactions, the developers of Venmo unveiled a new feature Friday that will allow users to send goons to collect outstanding payments. “This is definitely a fun, impactful new way to remind friends and family that they’re…Read more...

BEIJING—Boasting that their persistence had paid off and declaring that citizens may now return to lives free from constant monitoring, Chinese government officials announced Friday that they will immediately discontinue their comprehensive state-run surveillance program after finally catching that guy who drove into…Read more...

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Following the dramatic fire that consumed Notre Dame’s iconic spire, French president Emmanuel Macron pledged to “rebuild Notre Dame even more beautifully” in five years. What do you think?Read more...

After tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that our award-winning team of legal analysts have concluded their official count of how many pages are in the Mueller Report. The Onion has employed a rigorous, exhaustively thorough multi-stage process to…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In a fiery and, at times, frenzied speech before a crowd of his most devoted followers, Neutrogena CEO Richard Harper announced plans Thursday for a campaign of worldwide cleansing, saying his company would never relent in its goal of attaining facial purity across the globe.Read more...

Days after the one-year anniversary of her Coachella set, Beyoncé has released Homecoming: The Live Album, an hour-and-a-half document of the critically acclaimed 2018 performance spanning tracks from her career. What do you think?Read more...

PYONGYANG—In what appeared to be a more modest escalation of threats against the United States and its allies in the region, North Korea announced Thursday it had tested out a new knife, conducting a series of trial cuts with the weapon that state media described as “a great success.” “The Democratic People’s Republic…Read more...

Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, IN who has experienced a rapid rise in prominence in recent months, announced his official entry to the 2020 race this weekend, portraying himself as a force of generational change despite criticisms of his youth and inexperience. What do you think?Read more...

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COLUMBIA, SC—Observing that southbound motorists should begin to come across signs just after passing the rest area, sources reported Wednesday that there is an adult superstore off exit 16. “Yeah, so what you do is, you just hang a left at the end of that off-ramp and it’s pretty much across from the McDonald’s and…Read more...

In a recent Wired article, Sony representatives revealed their next console will feature split-second loading times, backwards compatibility, and processing power enhanced by “ray tracing,” a technique that realistically models how light travels. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Chastising players for not sticking to their frowns during press conferences, head coach Steve Kerr reminded the Warriors Wednesday to seem sad about center DeMarcus Cousins’ season-ending quad injury. “Remember, guys, nobody likes to be excluded. It might be nice to have a little more spacing on the…Read more...

EL SEGUNDO, CA—As part of the company’s ongoing effort to provide consumers with meat substitutes indistinguishable from the real thing, officials at Beyond Meat announced Wednesday they had created a fully conscious, completely plant-based veal calf. “We’re proud to offer our customers a veal replacement made from…Read more...

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PARIS—Saying the devastation could perhaps have been avoided with some routine upgrades to modern 200-amp service, investigators announced Wednesday they have traced the cause of the Notre Dame fire to the cathedral’s archaic electrical system, which dates back to the 12th century. “In our examination of the wreckage,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Adding the big-name dinosaur to an already stacked lineup featuring stars like Nathan Drake and Ratchet, Sony scored a big win for the upcoming PlayStation 5 Wednesday by poaching Yoshi away from Nintendo with a record-breaking 10-year, $400-million contract. “This is a huge day for Sony. Yoshi is one of the…Read more...

This Sunday, viewers flocked to the blockbuster season premiere of Game Of Thrones to see the fates of their favorite characters and who will finally take the Iron Throne. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—Responding to overwhelmingly harsh criticism of their decision to sign a contract worth close to a billion dollars with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, representatives of the Cinnabon corporation spoke out Wednesday to defend the practice of supplying the totalitarian monarchy with their iconic sweet and…Read more...

Originally released in Japan on April 21, 1989, Nintendo’s Game Boy console has fueled development in handheld gaming throughout its many editions. The Onion looks back at big moments in the history of Game Boy on its 30-year anniversary.Read more...

HOPEWELL, VA—Promising that both parties would reap substantial benefits by striking a deal, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort started his new job Wednesday lobbying federal prison guards on behalf of the Aryan Brotherhood. “Believe me, if you sign this retainer agreement, I can make all of your problems…Read more...

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SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing that the nationwide trend has shown no signs of stopping, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Tuesday that soaring gas prices were steadily forcing more and more Americans to decrease their daily gas intake. “Sadly, what used to be an inexpensive alternative to juice and soda is…Read more...

Released late last month to critical acclaim, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice has challegened new and hardcore players alike with its punishing difficulty. Here are The Onion’s tips for surviving in the action-adventure game.Read more...

Ending an 11-year-long championship drought, Tiger Woods won his fifth Masters title this past weekend in an emotional comeback after years of personal hardship and injury. What do you think?Read more...

PARIS—Following a massive fire that destroyed significant portions of the Catholic cathedral, Paris officials vowed Tuesday to rebuild Notre Dame despite the cosmic absurdity of seeking inherent meaning in the fleeting creations of man. “We will come together as a nation to reconstruct Notre Dame, no matter the…Read more...

WAUKESHA, WI—Noting that the unexpected purchase was completely without precedent or preamble, family sources confirmed Tuesday that mother Ellen Fogarty, 54, had evidently just spent $83.50 on an owl necklace from a stall at the Waukesha art fair. “Supposedly, it’s handcrafted, but still, Mom barely ever even wears…Read more...

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NEW MILTON, WV—Asking whether possession of an exceptional sexual organ he was forbidden to use was perhaps a test from the Lord, local Roman Catholic priest Russell Calhoun reportedly lamented Tuesday the fact that God cursed him with an incredible penis. “Why, oh, why would the Lord demand chastity of a man upon…Read more...

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Lucasfilm has released the first trailer for the ninth chapter in the Star Wars saga, which confirms that it will be subtitled The Rise Of Skywalker. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Releasing thousands of confidential pages detailing the operational excellence at every level, a suspicious new dump of WikiLeaks documents Monday exposed just how totally awesome and trustworthy the U.S. government is. According to the lengthy set of government cables emailed to dozens of world news…Read more...

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PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns…Read more...

NEW YORK—Honoring the publication for its high standard of journalistic excellence, the Pulitzer Prize Board announced Monday that Us Weekly had received its highest award for outstanding achievement in the photoshopping of a rip between a divorced celebrity couple. “Since its inception in 1977, Us Weekly has been a…Read more...

President Trump revealed his administration is “giving strong considerations” to a plan to release migrants into so-called sanctuary cities. What do you think?Read more...

HINSDALE, IL—Moments after wrestling the Switch controller from Dylan Wheeler’s hands and pushing the child towards the door of the intensive care unit, Wheeler’s parents mollified the 9-year-old Monday by promising him that he could go right back to playing video games once he had given his dying grandfather one last…Read more...

BOSTON—Expressing deep disappointment as their beloved series begins to come to a long-awaited conclusion, crestfallen Game Of Thrones fans reported Monday their realization that the show is never going to show dragons fucking. “I’ve put hundreds of hours of my life into this series, and now it seems it’s all been a…Read more...

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CHICAGO—As she fielded seemingly innocuous questions about her work schedule and childhood history with pets, local woman Daphne Horschel appeared oblivious to the fact that her neighbor, Brooks Tiller, was carefully grooming her for cat-sitting, apartment sources confirmed Monday. “You work from home, right? It must…Read more...

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was arrested Thursday for charges related to his role leaking U.S. secrets in 2010. What do you think?Read more...

BETHESDA, MD—Waxing nostalgic about his early days driving around the Eastern seaboard “with a trunk full of Stinger heat-seeking missiles and a head full of dreams,” Lockheed Martin Vice President of International Sales Robert Fitzpatrick spent much of a Friday business lunch recounting his humble beginning dealing…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that a democracy must guarantee its people the right to openly discuss the fact that Episode 9 will be titled The Rise Of Skywalker without fear of censorship, the nation admitted Friday that they only care about free speech for imparting details about Star Wars shit. “The Bill of Rights…Read more...

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