The Onion

COLUMBUS, NM—Digging in their heels and refusing to stand down, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol authorities were caught in a tense standoff Monday with an independently armed militia over their mutual claim to have detained a migrant family that both groups caught at the same time. “The fact of the matter is that we…Read more...

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced plans to introduce new legislation raising the federal minimum age to buy tobacco products, such as cigarettes and vaping devices, from 18 to 21. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—As he cast about in vain for potential topics of conversation, local bridegroom Adam Hartwell reportedly panicked Monday, having completely run out of things to talk about five minutes into his marriage. “After the ceremony, I talked about some of our mutual friends and mentioned a couple details from my…Read more...

PARIS—Following an outpouring of financial support from the nation’s wealthiest residents, French president Emmanuel Macron admitted Monday he was not sure how to tell the billionaire donors that repairs to the damaged Notre Dame cathedral would only cost the equivalent of about $200. “The generosity has been truly…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to accurately gauge American opinions on what the CEO is even doing with his life, depressed Gallup chairman Jim Clifton released a poll Monday asking a random sampling of 6,500 residents of all 50 states and the District of Columbia if anyone even cared whether he lives or dies. “Would you be…Read more...

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CAMBRIDGE—Amid the tech industry’s efforts to eliminate the biases recently observed in facial recognition software and other intelligent algorithms, the nation’s leading computer scientists announced Monday that even the most advanced AI technologies still demonstrate a sense of ethics that has yet to move beyond…Read more...

A recent poll found 84% of Americans support marijuana legalization in some form, with 42% of respondents saying that weed should be legal for any use and only 13% favoring prosecution for users or distributors. What do you think?Read more...

It has been nearly 82 years since marijuana was first officially banned as an illicit substance in the United States. Over that time, we have seen incredible changes across our nation. We have survived a world war and the Cold War, seen the sexual revolution and legalization of abortion, impeached a president, and…Read more...

After weeks of redactions from William Barr, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 election was released by the Justice Department on Thursday morning. What do you think?Read more...

LONDON—Stunning fans of the royal family across the world with their decision to break from age-old traditions of monarchical lineage, unemployed couple Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Friday that they plan to give up their soon-to-be-born baby for adoption. “It was a hard choice to make, but with both of us…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Startled by the sudden appearance of the shadowy overcoat-clad figure, the U.S. populace was “completely spooked” after running into a creepy old night watchman late Thursday evening. “We thought if we avoided the lighthouse and cut through the woods out back of the old Palmer place we’d be okay, but he…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Claiming the mobile payment app’s latest update will facilitate noticeably faster transactions, the developers of Venmo unveiled a new feature Friday that will allow users to send goons to collect outstanding payments. “This is definitely a fun, impactful new way to remind friends and family that they’re…Read more...

BEIJING—Boasting that their persistence had paid off and declaring that citizens may now return to lives free from constant monitoring, Chinese government officials announced Friday that they will immediately discontinue their comprehensive state-run surveillance program after finally catching that guy who drove into…Read more...

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Following the dramatic fire that consumed Notre Dame’s iconic spire, French president Emmanuel Macron pledged to “rebuild Notre Dame even more beautifully” in five years. What do you think?Read more...

After tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that our award-winning team of legal analysts have concluded their official count of how many pages are in the Mueller Report. The Onion has employed a rigorous, exhaustively thorough multi-stage process to…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In a fiery and, at times, frenzied speech before a crowd of his most devoted followers, Neutrogena CEO Richard Harper announced plans Thursday for a campaign of worldwide cleansing, saying his company would never relent in its goal of attaining facial purity across the globe.Read more...

Days after the one-year anniversary of her Coachella set, Beyoncé has released Homecoming: The Live Album, an hour-and-a-half document of the critically acclaimed 2018 performance spanning tracks from her career. What do you think?Read more...

PYONGYANG—In what appeared to be a more modest escalation of threats against the United States and its allies in the region, North Korea announced Thursday it had tested out a new knife, conducting a series of trial cuts with the weapon that state media described as “a great success.” “The Democratic People’s Republic…Read more...

Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, IN who has experienced a rapid rise in prominence in recent months, announced his official entry to the 2020 race this weekend, portraying himself as a force of generational change despite criticisms of his youth and inexperience. What do you think?Read more...

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COLUMBIA, SC—Observing that southbound motorists should begin to come across signs just after passing the rest area, sources reported Wednesday that there is an adult superstore off exit 16. “Yeah, so what you do is, you just hang a left at the end of that off-ramp and it’s pretty much across from the McDonald’s and…Read more...

In a recent Wired article, Sony representatives revealed their next console will feature split-second loading times, backwards compatibility, and processing power enhanced by “ray tracing,” a technique that realistically models how light travels. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Chastising players for not sticking to their frowns during press conferences, head coach Steve Kerr reminded the Warriors Wednesday to seem sad about center DeMarcus Cousins’ season-ending quad injury. “Remember, guys, nobody likes to be excluded. It might be nice to have a little more spacing on the…Read more...

EL SEGUNDO, CA—As part of the company’s ongoing effort to provide consumers with meat substitutes indistinguishable from the real thing, officials at Beyond Meat announced Wednesday they had created a fully conscious, completely plant-based veal calf. “We’re proud to offer our customers a veal replacement made from…Read more...

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PARIS—Saying the devastation could perhaps have been avoided with some routine upgrades to modern 200-amp service, investigators announced Wednesday they have traced the cause of the Notre Dame fire to the cathedral’s archaic electrical system, which dates back to the 12th century. “In our examination of the wreckage,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Adding the big-name dinosaur to an already stacked lineup featuring stars like Nathan Drake and Ratchet, Sony scored a big win for the upcoming PlayStation 5 Wednesday by poaching Yoshi away from Nintendo with a record-breaking 10-year, $400-million contract. “This is a huge day for Sony. Yoshi is one of the…Read more...

This Sunday, viewers flocked to the blockbuster season premiere of Game Of Thrones to see the fates of their favorite characters and who will finally take the Iron Throne. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—Responding to overwhelmingly harsh criticism of their decision to sign a contract worth close to a billion dollars with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, representatives of the Cinnabon corporation spoke out Wednesday to defend the practice of supplying the totalitarian monarchy with their iconic sweet and…Read more...

Originally released in Japan on April 21, 1989, Nintendo’s Game Boy console has fueled development in handheld gaming throughout its many editions. The Onion looks back at big moments in the history of Game Boy on its 30-year anniversary.Read more...

HOPEWELL, VA—Promising that both parties would reap substantial benefits by striking a deal, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort started his new job Wednesday lobbying federal prison guards on behalf of the Aryan Brotherhood. “Believe me, if you sign this retainer agreement, I can make all of your problems…Read more...

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SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing that the nationwide trend has shown no signs of stopping, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Tuesday that soaring gas prices were steadily forcing more and more Americans to decrease their daily gas intake. “Sadly, what used to be an inexpensive alternative to juice and soda is…Read more...

Released late last month to critical acclaim, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice has challegened new and hardcore players alike with its punishing difficulty. Here are The Onion’s tips for surviving in the action-adventure game.Read more...

Ending an 11-year-long championship drought, Tiger Woods won his fifth Masters title this past weekend in an emotional comeback after years of personal hardship and injury. What do you think?Read more...

PARIS—Following a massive fire that destroyed significant portions of the Catholic cathedral, Paris officials vowed Tuesday to rebuild Notre Dame despite the cosmic absurdity of seeking inherent meaning in the fleeting creations of man. “We will come together as a nation to reconstruct Notre Dame, no matter the…Read more...

WAUKESHA, WI—Noting that the unexpected purchase was completely without precedent or preamble, family sources confirmed Tuesday that mother Ellen Fogarty, 54, had evidently just spent $83.50 on an owl necklace from a stall at the Waukesha art fair. “Supposedly, it’s handcrafted, but still, Mom barely ever even wears…Read more...

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NEW MILTON, WV—Asking whether possession of an exceptional sexual organ he was forbidden to use was perhaps a test from the Lord, local Roman Catholic priest Russell Calhoun reportedly lamented Tuesday the fact that God cursed him with an incredible penis. “Why, oh, why would the Lord demand chastity of a man upon…Read more...

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Lucasfilm has released the first trailer for the ninth chapter in the Star Wars saga, which confirms that it will be subtitled The Rise Of Skywalker. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Releasing thousands of confidential pages detailing the operational excellence at every level, a suspicious new dump of WikiLeaks documents Monday exposed just how totally awesome and trustworthy the U.S. government is. According to the lengthy set of government cables emailed to dozens of world news…Read more...

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PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns…Read more...