The Onion

CHICAGO—As she fielded seemingly innocuous questions about her work schedule and childhood history with pets, local woman Daphne Horschel appeared oblivious to the fact that her neighbor, Brooks Tiller, was carefully grooming her for cat-sitting, apartment sources confirmed Monday. “You work from home, right? It must…Read more...

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was arrested Thursday for charges related to his role leaking U.S. secrets in 2010. What do you think?Read more...

BETHESDA, MD—Waxing nostalgic about his early days driving around the Eastern seaboard “with a trunk full of Stinger heat-seeking missiles and a head full of dreams,” Lockheed Martin Vice President of International Sales Robert Fitzpatrick spent much of a Friday business lunch recounting his humble beginning dealing…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that a democracy must guarantee its people the right to openly discuss the fact that Episode 9 will be titled The Rise Of Skywalker without fear of censorship, the nation admitted Friday that they only care about free speech for imparting details about Star Wars shit. “The Bill of Rights…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In the wake of the WikiLeaks founder’s arrest by British authorities on behalf of the U.S. for charges stemming from the publication of classified military documents in 2010, members of the American media condemned Julian Assange Friday for the reckless exposure of how they could be spending their time. “We…Read more...

DURHAM, NC—Fretting over the future of the young man he had once considered a protégé, Duke anthropology professor Edwin Greeley was reportedly devastated Friday upon learning that his most promising pupil, Zion Williamson, was dropping out of school. “Zion is one of the most engaged and thoughtful students I’ve…Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Deeply saddened that one of their own was confined to such punishing solitude, employees of DigiMax Solutions expressed concern Friday that the benefits of the company’s open-office floor plan had not been extended to the media firm’s CEO, Carter Foss. “I feel so bad that he doesn’t get to enjoy the…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In the hopes that the experience provides a valuable lesson about adherence to the law, Judge Steve Kim responded to Lori Loughlin’s money laundering, bribery, and racketeering charges Friday by sentencing the former Full House actress to 100 hours of community theatre. “As punishment for the dishonesty,…Read more...

Attorney General William Barr revealed that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election will be released next week, saying the process of redacting sensitive or confidential information has been progressing smoothly. What do you think?Read more...

SANTA MONICA, CA— In a shocking report certain to fuel growing privacy concerns, the advocacy group Consumer Watchdog released evidence Friday that suggests Amazon may be listening to its customers through hardcover copies of Michelle Obama’s book Becoming. “Amazon has tricked millions of consumers into believing the…Read more...

For those seeking to eat less actual meat for health or ethical reasons but still wanting to experience the taste of meat, plant-based meat substitutes and meat grown in a lab can offer alternatives. The Onion breaks down the differences between plant-based meat and lab-grown meat.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Committing to a strict age-reduction diet and infantilizing exercise regimen in preparation for the role, infamously dedicated method actor Christian Bale revealed Friday that he lost 40 years in order to portray 5-year-old composer prodigy Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart in the prestige historical drama Wunderkind…Read more...

Scientists from the Event Horizon Telescope Collaboration released the first-ever image of a black hole in a galaxy known as M87, showing the long-theorized superdense feature of spacetime by harnessing the power of eight radio telescopes around the world. What do you think?Read more...

LONDON—In an effort to find an occupant who doesn’t “bring the party home,” officials at the Ecuadorian embassy in London ran an ad Thursday on several local flat-sharing websites seeking a “no drama” tenant for a newly vacant room. “We’re looking for someone who can get along with a diverse group of foreign…Read more...

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LONDON—Quickly contorting his hands to type into a faint keyboard embedded in his wrist, a cackling Julian Assange reportedly disintegrated into lines of computer code Thursday as baffled authorities attempted to handcuff him. “You fools, I have become more powerful than you can possibly know—the truth cannot be…Read more...

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PITTSBURGH—Alighting on the concrete to study the colorful but lifeless body, a sparrow reflected on the fragile and fleeting nature of life Thursday after coming across a dead human on the sidewalk. “Looking at it, so still and delicate, lying there on the ground, it just reminds you that each and every one of us has…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Living in virtual exile from the world of fine dining after multiple allegations of sexual abuse came to light, embattled chef Mario Batali has been reduced to preparing and selling a large bowl of beet and ricotta ravioli on Craigslist, sources confirmed Thursday. “He’s selling a single serving homemade…Read more...

In an effort to attract vegetarian customers, Burger King is now selling a meatless Whopper at many of their franchises using the soy-based Impossible Burger. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Calling the decision to part ways with his current paternal figure “difficult but necessary,” Lakers guard Lonzo Ball announced Thursday that he had chosen CAA to represent him as a father. “I met with several suitors, but I really feel like CAA’s integrity and clear commitment to my well-being proved to…Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—In a stern rebuke of the under-glorification of violence they claim is often presented to impressionable young video game players, the National Rifle Association issued a statement Thursday upbraiding video game creators for downplaying, understating, and on occasion blatantly mocking the exhilarating rush…Read more...

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio declared a public health emergency in a heavily Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn after dozens were hospitalized due to a lack of vaccinations. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Claiming their heart and determination in making the playoffs had earned them a benefits package that included both Microsoft Access and Publisher, Clippers owner Steve Ballmer rewarded the team Wednesday with complementary Office Suite upgrades. “This team defied expectations all year, and I can’t think…Read more...

Tech companies like Google, Microsoft, and Amazon are becoming increasingly involved with government projects, particularly the military, landing lucrative contracts and in some cases causing employees to protest their company’s partnerships. The Onion takes a look at some of the most prominent big tech companies with…Read more...

Utilizing a design made from hexagonal floating platforms, a consortium from the United Nations unveiled a design that they say could solve problems related to climate change by housing up to 10,000 residents while providing autonomous fresh water, shelter, and heat. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Worried that he should have warned them about the trip during contract negotiations, Bryce Harper told Philadelphia Phillies general manager Matt Klentak Wednesday that he would be missing two weeks in the middle of August for a vacation he had planned before joining the team. “It’s tough because I…Read more...

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The European Space Agency’s Mars Express rover found that methane on the red planet could be traced to the planet’s Gale Crater, suggesting a spot astronauts could eventually explore to find water and underground canals. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Encouraging those in their twenties to invest their time into extra leisure activities such as bocce ball every month, a new report revealed Tuesday that a majority of Americans have fewer than five hobbies saved up for retirement. “After working life ends, an individual needs, on average, 10 hobbies to…Read more...

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TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Hoping the election day message would broaden his appeal in a close race, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed to clog the rivers and seas with the skulls of his enemies Tuesday in a last-minute push for undecided voters. “All who dare stand before me will be trampled and ground to dust,…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Hailing the birth as “probably a huge step forward for wildlife preservation,” officials at the Smithsonian National Zoo participated in an awkward celebration Tuesday after Xiang Bao, the zoo’s female endangered giant panda, gave birth to Casper, a healthy 73-pound baby northern white rhinoceros. “Xiang…Read more...

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Researchers have found that felines can pick out their own names in a string of words, adding them to the list of other animals, including dogs, dolphins, and parrots that can understand human vocalization. What do you think?Read more...

CUPCAKE KINGDOM—Describing what they termed “an acute problem of uncute proportions” in dramatically tart and unleavened terms, a coalition of activists gathered Tuesday to present the Cupcake Kingdom with a petition demanding they address the ongoing adorable housing crisis. “I’m not going to sugar-coat this…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Reminding herself that “old habits die hard” before letting the 6-year-old out of her trunk, Kirstjen Nielsen admitted Monday that she momentarily forgot she was a private citizen after instinctively detaining a Mexican child on the street. “Oh, Kirstjen, you silly goose—you don’t have the authority to ask…Read more...

MIAMI—Boasting an array of excellent programs from drama and sports to news and talk that other companies can only dream of, media giant Telemundo continued their winning streak Monday with its incomparable lineup of high-quality scripted shows and award-winning journalism. “With its soaring ratings, commitment to…Read more...

The Food and Drug Administration has made a special announcement noting dozens of e-cigarette users having seizures connected to their use of the devices. What do you think?”Read more...

IDLIB, SYRIA—Explaining that they hoped the personnel changes would enable the organization to avoid the State Department’s scrutiny, ISIS leaders announced Monday that they had added a few violent white supremacists to the group in a bid to get the U.S. to rescind its designation of ISIS as terrorists. “Being branded…Read more...