The Onion

BURBANK, CA—Promising that the new feature will eliminate untold hours in editorial busywork, screenwriting software Final Draft released an update Thursday that includes stock female characters to help fill out scripts. “From aspiring writers to Hollywood pros, we’ve made it easier than ever to pad out your movie…Read more...

Founded in 1828, the Democratic Party has been one of America’s two major political parties for most of the nation’s existence. The Onion presents a timeline of the party that currently holds a minority of offices at both the federal and state levels.Read more...

In a statement from its new all-female leadership, the Miss America competition announced that it will remove the swimsuit portion and no longer judge participants on their outward appearance. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Responding to the needs of thousands of long-deserted psychiatric facilities, condemned terminal-disease hospitals, and abandoned pre-war orphanages across the nation, General Electric has released a new line of flickering light bulbs for abandoned sanatoriums. “Installed thoughtfully at the sudden dead-end of…Read more...

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This is ClickHole’s treasure. It’s amazing.Read more...

The special counsel’s office accused Paul Manafort, former campaign chairman for Donald Trump, of sending encrypted messages to witnesses in an attempt to secure “materially false” statements. What do you think?Read more...

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APPLETON, WI—Noting that the message had been received loud and fucking clear already, attendees of Appleton West High School’s graduation ceremony Saturday reported the whole thing had turned into one big, broken record concerning their late classmate Chelsea Heckel’s sudden death in a car accident. “When the dean…Read more...

DALLAS, TX—Describing his acquaintance’s backlash as intellectually dishonest, local man Gabe Weaver insisted Wednesday that his Facebook friend Matt Nathans reads the article he shared titled “Why Palestinians Are Sub-Human” before commenting on it. “Why don’t you actually examine the author’s carefully laid out…Read more...

DURHAM, NC—Urging millions of 32-year-olds to report immediately to the registrar’s office, colleges across the country sent out a reminder Wednesday to every student who graduated in 2008 that their degrees were about to expire. “Any alumnus who wishes to renew their associate’s, bachelor’s, or graduate degree is to…Read more...

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Al-QARYATAYN, SYRIA—Saying it would be remiss of him to try to lease them an apartment in the area without mentioning the violations of international law that frequently occur nearby, local real estate agent Joram Terzi warned a Syrian couple Wednesday about the neighborhood’s high war crime rate. “You can get some…Read more...

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CANTON, MA—The United States of America signed Dunkin’ Donuts to a 10-year deal Wednesday naming the doughnut company and coffeehouse as the exclusive food vendor of the U.S. “We’re proud and excited to welcome the United States to the Dunkin’ family by agreeing to be their one and only source of nourishment through…Read more...

A new study from the Pew Research Center found that just 51 percent of Americans from 13- to 17-years-old use Facebook, far fewer than the number who use Instagram or Snapchat. What do you think?Read more...

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The Philadelphia 76ers are expected to fire GM Bryan Colangelo after he created “burner” Twitter accounts to release sensitive information and slander the team’s coaches and players. What do you think?Read more...

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CHICAGO—Stepping back to appreciate the moment during a relaxing “couple’s night in,” local boyfriend Lucas Graham, 31, exclaimed Tuesday to his girlfriend, Sarah, “Cooking together is so fun!” before resuming his practice of meticulously correcting every single one of her knife cuts. “I mean, how nice is this? Just…Read more...

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Here’s some major health news that is totally going to change the way we think about the human body: A group of medical researchers just announced that a 400-pound child simply ain’t right.Read more...

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The continued eruption of the Kilauea Volcano in Hawaii has shown the variety of devastating consequences that volcanic eruptions can pose for the environment and human life. The Onion looks back at some of the biggest and most destructive volcanic eruptions in history.Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—The University of Pennsylvania published the results of a report Tuesday revealing that 83 percent of Americans just want to put on a pair of sunglasses and firmly say the phrase, “let’s do this.” “After analyzing the collected data, it appears that an overwhelming majority of the U.S. population has a…Read more...

French game publisher Ubisoft confirmed Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, the next installment in its popular stealth action series, will take place in ancient Greece. What do you think?Read more...

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Racking his brain for something that he could say to stop the child from crying, ICE agent Don Neville was reportedly trying Monday to think of a fun name for a jail cell before locking up a 5-year-old immigrant. “I really thought it would work when I told him he was going to the ‘fun cave,’ but he…Read more...

In a memo denying a presidential interview with the Special Counsel, Donald Trump’s lawyers argue that the president cannot obstruct justice because he has constitutional authority over all federal investigations. What do you think?Read more...

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CHICAGO—Noting that the gregarious bastard got pretty shy real damn quick once his little playmate disappeared, public transit sources confirmed Monday that a certain talkative motherfucker isn’t so extroverted now that his buddy has gotten off the train. “Well, well, well. Seems Mr. Conversation ain’t such a…Read more...

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GARY, IN—Hailing his totally nonexistent body of work as an “act of pure genius,” literary experts at Indiana University on Monday praised legendary author Anthony Krause, a recluse who has never published a single piece of writing. “From his remote cabin in Indiana, the brilliant Mr. Krause has yet to release a…Read more...

A study in the journal Futures found that the low-gravity environment of Mars, combined with small colony sizes, will likely make conception and pregnancy very difficult and will possibly require the bioengineering of a new kind of human being. What do you think?Read more...

GENEVA—A coalition of scientists at CERN announced this morning that the Universe, the accumulation of matter and energy that makes up everything that is, will end abruptly next Friday. “The totality of existence as we know it, including time, space, all distributed matter throughout our reality, and all 11…Read more...

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Fair warning to all you Drumpf lovers out there: You might want to keep scrolling past this story, because a Resistance smackdown this epic may be too much for you to handle: A student in this Toledo, OH high school wore a MAGA hat to class, and his incredible teacher’s amazing response was to completely stop having…Read more...

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DAYTON, OH—Grumbling in quiet disbelief as he watched a 12-year-old struggle through the third syllable of “molluscivorous,” former Scripps Spelling Bee champion Alex Vinay spent Thursday afternoon sitting in front of the TV and mouthing bitterly along with current Scripps contestants. “Come on, seriously? It’s so…Read more...

SANTA ROSA, CA—Urging anyone with flooding orifices to return the product immediately, neti pot manufacturer NasaFlo recalled 25,000 units Friday after a defect caused water to shoot out of customers’ eyes and ears. “If properly placed up against your nasal passage, our products should never, under any circumstances,…Read more...

GLENCOE, IL—Acknowledging that the decision was distressing but ultimately the correct course of action, Chicago Botanic Garden officials confirmed Friday that they were forced to euthanize a rose bush after it pricked a child. “This morning, we made the difficult choice to end the life of our 15-year-old rose bush…Read more...

British researchers have shown that targeting protein N-myristoyltransferase could be effective and safe in eliminating the common cold in human cells, saying they will move onto animal trials next. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Explaining that downsizing was an unfortunate necessity in the challenging media landscape, FiveThirtyEight announced Friday that they would be laying off dozens of the site’s top algorithms. “While these data programs have provided readers with countless insights into sports and politics over the past few…Read more...

ANKENY, IA—Saying it didn’t take a trained professional to spot the woman’s serious hygiene issue, area dentist Robert Cowan confirmed Friday that he could tell his patient hasn’t been brushing her hair. “Most people at least try to brush right before their appointment, but this lady clearly hasn’t bothered to clean…Read more...

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Stephen King—long known for his disdain of Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of The Shining—reportedly criticizes the director in his new novel, The Outsiders, with a character watching the film Paths of Glory and noting it is “at least better than The Shining.” What do you think?Read more...