The Onion

WASHINGTON—After it was discovered that hundreds of thousands of the state-sanctioned radar systems had short circuited, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a recall of the flu vaccine Friday due to defective government tracking microchips. “In response to reports that devices planted in the serum…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK—Shoving one another aside as they rushed to be the first to choose, the crew from Rockson Construction were fervently arguing over who gets to use the fun tools at the work site, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I call jackhammer,” said crew member Bruce Sampson, who attempted to wrestle the piece of…Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he had just the qualifications needed to help guide their organization, the NRA announced Monday that Oliver North would be its new president, touting the retired Lt. Colonel’s expertise at avoiding jail time for colluding with hostile foreign powers. “Oliver North brings a wealth of experience…Read more...

Rudy Giuliani’s recent work as part of Donald Trump’s legal team is utterly disgraceful, and his decision to align himself with a president so deeply steeped in corruption and hateful rhetoric is simply indefensible. But we as a country cannot completely demonize Rudy Giuliani, because even though he might currently…Read more...

While stationed at the Mexico border, U.S. Customs agents discovered an unconscious 3-month-old tiger left inside a black duffel bag dropped by three fleeing smugglers. What do you think?Read more...

MARS—In a desperate attempt to make up for years of aimless planetary wandering, the Curiosity Rover spent most of Monday frantically driving around the Red Planet in order give the impression that it had been busy before the impending arrival of NASA’s InSight Lander. “Aw, fuck, I’m going to be up all night scouring…Read more...

JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Expressing confusion as to how their fellow inmate was able to maintain a steady diet of oven-roasted chicken, classic tuna, and cold cut combo sandwiches, prisoners at the Englewood Federal Correctional Institution told reporters Monday that they weren’t sure how Jared Fogle was still eating…Read more...

PENOBSCOT RIVER, ME—Recalling numerous thrill-seeking exploits and fearless endeavors, a north Atlantic salmon confirmed Monday that, having always lived an adventurous life, she couldn’t believe she ended up moving back to her birthplace and having a bunch of kids. “I was carefree and always up for going wherever the…Read more...

VANCOUVER, WA—Cringing at the pitiful attempt to gain attention by trying to appear edgy and shocking, sources confirmed Monday that a stunted 56-year-old is still writing Chuck Palahniuk novels. “It’s one thing to write that shit when you’re still in your 20s, but he’s old enough now that it’s actually kind of…Read more...

EMERYVILLE, CA—Criticizing the Motion Picture Association of America for its lack of transparency in the matter, the producers of Incredibles 2 today divulged that they were forced to cut a grisly cannibalism scene in order to secure the film’s PG rating. “Honestly, I don’t see what they find so offensive about this…Read more...

If you were planning to cook up some chicken for dinner tonight, you might want to double-check the package after this startling announcement from one of the world’s largest chicken suppliers: Perdue Farms is recalling 50,000 chicken breasts after they left the factory without getting a little kiss goodbye.Read more...

A Reuter/Ipsos poll found support for Democrats dropping by 9 percent to 46 percent among millennials, although this remains far above the 28 percent of millennials who support Republicans. What do you think?Read more...

MIAMI—Affirming his commitment to field the best possible lineup, Miami Marlins owner and CEO Derek Jeter denied tanking allegations this week after the team fielded just four players in a loss to the Phillies. “I know people aren’t happy with our performance, but just because we didn’t have a shortstop, second…Read more...

Sometimes a prank goes on for so long that it straight-up gets sad, and this one is a prime example: Somehow, after a year-plus of gaslighting this dude a cartoonish amount, Timotheé Chalamet still has no idea that his fame is a big joke everyone’s playing on him because we all think he’s a massive jackass and wanted…Read more...

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After the president’s withdrawal from the climate pact, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged $4.5 million to meet America’s commitment to the Paris accord. What do you think?Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to pay tribute to the influential pop star’s legacy, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new line of commemorative Prince-inspired postal workers Friday. “Our latest series of limited-edition postal workers highlights all of Prince’s legendary career, from his smoldering white-ruffled blouse…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—According to terrified witnesses, the whole boardroom of Capstone Marketing Insights began to quake violently Friday as CEO Matt Petersen’s eyes turned an inky black and his voice dropped an octave while announcing a new, video-centered vision for the company. Calling it a “necessary pivot” and “an…Read more...

CARTERET, NJ—Saying the longtime warehouse associate blatantly disregarded company protocol regarding permitted inhalation, Amazon spokespeople confirmed the firing of one Thomas Gilman for taking an unauthorized breath during an overnight shift Friday. “We run a tight ship at this [Amazon] fulfillment center, and we…Read more...

Stephen Hawking’s final paper “A Smooth Exit From Eternal Inflation?” was recently published in the Journal of High Energy Physics, detailing the nature of the cosmos and the immediate consequence of the big bang. What do you think?Read more...

CINCINNATI—Admitting they were unable to confirm their product had not been contaminated, supermarket chain Kroger recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef Thursday that may contain traces of its chief executive officer. “As some consumers have noticed particles of our chief executive officer Rodney McMullen in the meat,…Read more...

In a TMZ interview with the controversial rapper, Kanye West revealed that he believes slavery was a choice, telling his interviewer, “when you hear about slavery for 400 years...for 400 years? That sounds like a choice.” What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Responding to the Boy Scouts’ decision to open up their organization to all genders, the Girl Scouts of America officially announced Thursday that they’ll never ever let any gross-ass fucking boys in. “The Girls Scouts remain dedicated to raising the next generation of America’s women leaders, and as such,…Read more...

CHICAGO—As part of an effort to boost attendance by offering a more up-close-and-personal experience, the Chicago White Sox announced a new promotion Thursday that puts the first nine fans arriving at the ballpark in the starting lineup. “Starting next week, we will bring down several lucky fans for a…Read more...

As if diplomatic relations between the United States and North Korea couldn’t get any more complicated, today’s new wrinkle comes along and adds a whole new complexity to the equation: Kim Jong-un is letting President Trump choose between the return of three American hostages or a mysterious box that could have…Read more...

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A recent upsurge in youth activism in the U.S. and other countries has led lawmakers to consider the proposal to lower the voting age from 18 to 16, but many people are against extending the vote to even younger people. The Onion presents the pros and cons of lowering the voting age.Read more...

HOUSTON—Touting the garment as a stylish alternative for the gentleman on the go, Men’s Wearhouse announced Thursday it would be adding a new line of clip-on trousers for guys who never learned to put on pants. “These attractive, high-quality trousers clip easily to your shirt for a convenient, no-fuss pants-wearing…Read more...

Legendary guitar maker Gibson, whose brands include Les Paul and SG, filed for bankruptcy due to its $500 million debt in the hopes of refocusing on its core guitar-making business. What do you think?Read more...

Since 1950, the Korean peninsula has been torn apart by war, with the threat of violent conflict constantly looming on both sides of the demilitarized zone. But now, North and South Korea have finally decided to put their differences aside, and the two countries are already taking massive strides to build a new and…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Insisting that the legal, centuries-long practice of slavery in America could never have limited his personal or artistic ambitions, Kanye West stated Wednesday that if he had been born into captivity, he would have simply escaped the plantation on his motorcycle “the first chance [he] got.” “If that slave…Read more...

Mark Zuckerberg announced plans to add a Tinder-style dating service to its mobile app later this year, noting that it would be completely optional and that a user’s friends would not see their dating profile. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Touting the lack of pressure to squeeze something into every second of the excursion, Cubs manager Joe Maddon confirmed Wednesday that he was saving up his mound visits for one long trip in the eighth inning. “I used to like spreading out my visits across the whole game, but then I realized it’s far more…Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to ensure the impartiality of content shared on its platform, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Wednesday that the company would address accusations of silencing conservative voices by deleting Barack Obama’s profile. “I want to give all our valued right-leaning users my full assurance…Read more...

Online dating can be a serious headache, and it’s more likely you’ll find yourself stuck in an endless cycle of dead-end first dates than in a compatible match. But if you’re experiencing dating app fatigue, don’t lose hope of finding that special someone just yet, because Facebook just announced a brand-new dating…Read more...

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If you’re a big-time gamer, you might want to get your credit card ready, because Steam just launched a brand-new sale that almost seems too good to be true. According to a recent post on the store’s front page, 50 pounds of hot salad will be available on Steam all week for only $5!

The body positivity movement has done incredible work to empower people who fall outside our society’s ridiculous mainstream beauty standards, but even the most vocal activists sometimes forget about the body struggles that men go through. Thankfully, Trojan just did something totally awesome and body-positive for the…Read more...

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LONDON—An early review confirmed Wednesday that upcoming historical drama The Sisters Of Darington Manor was just 90 minutes of a woman holding up her petticoats while scampering through an open field. “After the opening credits roll, it’s really just an hour and a half of a woman in a silk gown grabbing the hems of…Read more...

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SIOUX FALLS, SD—Playacting raised voices and heated accusations as she made her toys stomp around her bedroom floor, 3-year-old Allyson Barnes was reportedly pretending Wednesday that her stuffed animals were having a big fight about an accidental pregnancy. “How could you have been so careless, Mrs. Puffles?” said…Read more...

A study by the journal Royal Society Open Science found that human bones—such as those used as tools by the people of New Guinea—make the best bone daggers, saying they are “formidable, fierce-looking, and beautiful.” What do you think?Read more...

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Presenting the documents as proof that Iran entered the Joint Comprehensive Plan nuclear agreement in bad faith, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Tuesday provided what he is calling “stunning new evidence” that Iranians planned the 539 B.C. sacking of Babylon. “This trove of recently…Read more...