The Onion

OKLAHOMA CITY—Even after pulling an all-nighter and trying dozens of options, director Bryan Jenkins of the National Rifle Association’s longtime ad agency Ackerman McQueen was reportedly still searching Wednesday for just the right sinister music to play over footage of high school students. “We’ve been at it for…Read more...

MOSCOW—After consulting a schedule consisting of council meetings, appointing Gazprom executives to ministry posts, and conducting military inspections, Russian President Vladimir Putin was forced to adjust his personal timetable Wednesday and move up his election victory by a couple of days. “Between meeting Chinese…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the problem an unfortunately common occurrence, the Laborers’ International Union of North America announced new regulations Thursday aimed at reducing the number of escaped babies crawling on steel I-beams hanging precariously in the air. “When jobsites around the country being are thrown into…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Examining data obtained from thousands of reportedly lackluster rehearsals across the country, a new study released Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Education concluded that a mere 30 percent of students are adequately prepared for the spring musical. “Our analysis found that, with tech week right around…Read more...

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LONDON—Citing the era’s indiscriminate violence, rampant disease, constant threat of famine, and near-total absence of personal hygiene, historians at the University of Cambridge reported Wednesday that it was still very much a mystery how people in ancient times didn’t just go crazy and fucking kill themselves.…Read more...

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Securing your home to ensure that you, your family, and your belongings are safe from theft or invasion can be done through a variety of traditional and technological methods. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your home safe.Read more...

TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an effort to foster a more inclusive workplace, Jetsam Marketing Solutions announced Wednesday a new plan to implement diversity by conducting hourly regimented killings of white employees and hiring a more equitable percentage of minority candidates in their stead. “Until our staffing goals are…Read more...

VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES—Welling with pride as the child made his initial $2 million deposit, hedge fund billionaire Seymour Gansthorpe reportedly helped his son Elwin, 8, open his first offshore bank account, sources reported Tuesday. “These are the kinds of things you live for as a dad: getting to watch your little boy…Read more...

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DAVENPORT, IA—Acknowledging that his purely romantic intentions could easily be misunderstood, potential suitor James Gerretson said Tuesday he was unsure how to display his penis to the woman he liked without coming off as a creep. “The beginning of any relationship is a delicate time, so instead of risking a clumsy…Read more...

FAIRBANKS, AK—Though she was all geared up to complain about work when she went out for coffee Tuesday, local woman Laura Roman was reportedly forced to table any discussion of her frustrations after being sidelined by a friend with marital problems. “Goddammit, I was ready to blow off some serious steam about how…Read more...

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DURAND, MN—Guests in the home of local couple Steve and Pamela Baker were taken aback Sunday after being confronted with the sight of the large mirror mounted on the libertine kink-lovers’ bathroom wall. “I suspected those two were adventurous, but wow, I did not expect they’d rig a mirror for watching themselves…Read more...

ATLANTA—Explaining that the topic involves an elaborate web of military, political, and economic issues, CNN panelists warned Monday that the North Korea situation was way too complex for them to discuss intelligently. “Viewers should understand that a CNN panel has absolutely no business deliberating about the…Read more...

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ATLANTA—As part of its ongoing campaign to combat the epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention rolled out a new fleet of Narcan-equipped biplanes Monday to fumigate opioid-ravaged small towns nationwide. “It’s become obvious that half measures will not remedy this crisis, so the next step is for CDC…Read more...

NEW YORK—Describing the 72-hour gauntlet of meals, gifts, surprises, and social events as “spine-chilling,” exhausted local man Blake McNally told reporters Monday that his girlfriend’s birthday weekend had been a nightmarish labyrinth through her darkest and most depraved desires. “God, I thought we were done after…Read more...

PARK CITY, UT—Admitting they felt utterly bewildered after viewing the new action movie Run River, audience members voiced their confusion Monday regarding a shot that panned from the villain to blood spattering against a wall. “It was really unclear; first, you see the bad guy with his hands up, then the camera moves…Read more...

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A Very Fatal Murder sends Onion Public Radio correspondent David Pascall from New York City to the sleepy town of Bluff Springs, Nebraska to investigate the mysterious death of a 17-year-old girl, Hayley Price. Haley was a popular, smart animal lover, with a bright future ahead of her. Everyone in town knew her name,…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his…Read more...

DALLAS—As they filed silently past the disheveled twentysomething staring intently at his iPhone, each passenger on American Airlines Flight 176 to Miami on Friday reportedly had a different theory as to how the occupant of seat 3A managed to get into first class. “I don’t know, he looks way too young to be a CEO and…Read more...

In the finale of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David returns to where it all began to finally solve the murder of Hayley Price.Read more...

LOS GATOS, CA—Acknowledging that the former president’s enthusiasm for the project made it all the harder to come clean, Netflix chief content officer Ted Sarandos was reportedly unsure Friday how to tell Barack Obama his series idea was just Fawlty Towers. “Oh God, he clearly put so much work into the pitch, but I…Read more...

HINXTON, ENGLAND—Convening this week for an annual conference to discuss the role of unseemly physical traits in natural selection, researchers from around the globe reportedly remained divided on the issue of ugly people’s evolutionary function. “If the goal of the human adult is to reproduce, then why, after…Read more...

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Providing insight into the culture of early Western civilization, historians from the University of Oxford announced Friday the discovery of new evidence revealing that ancient Greeks immediately regretted inventing theater. “Our research shows that directly after developing theatrical performances as…Read more...

PHOENIX ISLANDS, KIRIBATI—Claiming to have uncovered definitive proof that the pioneer aviatrix survived following her mysterious 1937 disappearance, forensic researchers announced Thursday that a variety of human bones found on the remote western Pacific island of Nikumaroro are most likely the remains of those eaten…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Saying the employee picked up on her position’s mind-numbing dullness right out of the gate, local marketing manager Glen Marshall told reporters Wednesday that new hire Jennifer Schwartz was gaining a quick grasp of how terrible her new job is. “Wow, Jennifer seemed to immediately get a hang of how utterly…Read more...

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Over the past few years, interest in alternatives to traditional monogamous relationships has increased, and more people are experimenting with having more than one romantic partner. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of open relationships.Read more...

BALTIMORE—In a report many experts have described as deeply discouraging, researchers at Johns Hopkins University published data Thursday that suggest the average American adult walks no more than a mile each year with their pants down around their ankles. “Though a small handful of Americans clumsily waddle up to…Read more...