The Onion

FAIRFAX, VA—Citing its longtime commitment to the promotion of safety among firearm enthusiasts, the National Rifle Association published a series of pointers Tuesday on how to keep safe while carrying out a mass shooting. “Every gun owner should know the NRA’s fundamental safety rules so they can avoid being tackled…Read more...

NEW YORK—Championing the decision as a necessary step to make the “Big Apple” more tech-friendly, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio announced Tuesday that the subway is just for Amazon employees now. “All 8.6 million New York City residents not employed by Amazon or an Amazon subsidiary are prohibited from using MTA…Read more...

A new poll reveals support for Democrats impeaching Trump is tepid, with half of voters saying they oppose the possibility and only 31 percent supporting it. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States surgeon general Dr. Jerome Adams confirmed Tuesday that occasionally indulging in a bit of blow here and there would not, in fact, kill you. “While it should go without saying that the surgeon general’s…Read more...

More money was spent in the 2018 election cycle than any previous midterm cycle. What do you think?Read more...

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STANFORD, CA—Based on a compilation of data revealing their jealousy and negativity loud and clear, relationship experts confirmed Tuesday that “He’s not right for you,” because they must not want to see you happy. “Our extensive study shows that you might be better off with someone else,” read a summary of the…Read more...

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Voters in Michigan passed a measure Tuesday legalizing pot sales, while Utah and Missouri added themselves to the growing roster of 33 states where medical marijuana is legal. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Citing her can-do spirit, belief in her own talents, and considerable trust fund, aspiring screenwriter and playwright Dasha Rothwell confirmed Monday that she was confident she had the safety net it would take to achieve her dreams. “I truly feel I have what it takes to pursue my creative and personal…Read more...

Stressing that Europe could no longer depend on the U.S. for protection, French president Emmanuel Macron called for a trans-European army amongst EU member states. What do you think?Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Noting that students felt increasingly ambivalent about assuming celestial roles, researchers at the University of Notre Dame published a study Monday that revealed only 20 percent of seminary school graduates go on to become God. “Most students decide right before the graduation ceremony that they…Read more...

ATHENS, OH—Responding to their grandfather’s longtime silence on the subject, the family of World War II veteran Thomas Withers told reporters Monday that they figured the reason he never talked about serving was probably because nothing interesting happened to him. “Grandpa never discusses being stationed in…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming that the federal government was taking swift action to help those suffering in California, FEMA officials assured wildfire victims Monday that a bucket brigade is nearly over the Maryland state line. “The FEMA emergency response team is currently standing shoulder to shoulder in a line stretching…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Exclaiming and pushing past each other as they jockeyed for a clear view of the screen, friends of local man Carl Michaels excitedly gathered around his phone Monday to watch the shaky footage he had recorded of a recent Mt. Joy concert. “Whoa, the audio is so distorted that you can barely even make out what…Read more...

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PUERTO BAQUERIZO MORENO, ECUADOR—Describing an astounding variety of naturalists previously unknown to science, a team of ecologists from Stanford University announced Friday the discovery of more than 400 species of Charles Darwin living in the Galápagos Islands.Read more...

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More than 100 women will take seats in the House of Representatives next year, a high watermark for nationwide representation. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—In a matter-of-fact press release addressed to “consumers who might be interested in this sort of thing,” ConAgra Foods informally announced Friday that their Reddi-Wip nozzles can easily fit into most orifices on the human body. “Since our founding in 1948, we’ve been committed to providing Americans with…Read more...

NEW YORK CITY—Emphasizing that the discovery had put the residents of New York in grave danger, officials warned Friday against flushing feminine hygiene products after discovering an 8-foot-long, 250-pound tampon lurking in the sewers. “While the tampon may have started out just a few inches long at first, its…Read more...

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the Mediterranean diet can, in fact, add years to one’s life, but only by taking them away from others. “Our study confirms that a diet rich in foods such as olive oil, fish, and green vegetables can extend one’s…Read more...

Just like any relationship, friendships can reach a point where they’re not beneficial to both participants, but ending one gracefully can be complicated. The Onion offers the best tips for ending a friendship.Read more...

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HOUSTON, TX—Predicting that the upcoming lunar looks would delight stargazers all over the world, astronomers confirmed Friday that the moon will have dozens of new phases in 2019. “We are excited to announce that as of next year, the moon will add several new and exciting shapes to its usual crescent-shaped phases,”…Read more...

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In a Wednesday press conference, President Trump said that he hopes to work together with the newly victorious House Democrats on issues ranging from infrastructure to drug pricing. What do you think?Read more...

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President Trump forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign, replacing him with a loyalist who could endanger the independence of the special counsel investigation. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the delay as they worked to correct the dangerous oversight, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Thursday that they had reopened the country’s national parks after finally filling in all the canyons posing hazardous fall risks to visitors. “We are proud to announce that we’ve…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In a heated exchange during a contentious press conference, new CNN entertainment reporter Jim Acosta pressed film directors Scott Mosier and Yarrow Cheney Thursday on an earlier statement they had made concerning their desire to modernize the Grinch for today’s audience. “Sir, you’re on record stating…Read more...

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CANTON, MA—Touting the beverage as the perfect drink for those frigid, gray November mornings, Dunkin’ Donuts unveiled a new seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte Thursday to celebrate the end of fall. “Containing our signature coffee mixed with an artisan blend of freshly ground dead leaves and decomposing pumpkin…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In a move relieving his firstborn of the mounting stress associated with the pursuit of his life’s ambition, ailing father Gideon Albright selflessly offered his son, aspiring writer Julian, 27, the perfect excuse to move back home and give up on his dreams. “My father’s diagnosis was tangible proof that…Read more...

People magazine named British actor Idris Elba the sexiest man alive, only the third time a person of color has won in the award’s 32-year history. What do you think?Read more...

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals, including a police officer, and seriously injured at least 12 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there…Read more...

CHULA VISTA, CA—Awed and profoundly moved after witnessing such Zen-like serenity and focus, sources close to pistachio-eater Lawrence Carmichael confirmed Wednesday that he had achieved a complete “flow” state while snacking on the shelled seeds. “I believe his consciousness tuned out all extraneous stimuli or…Read more...

Democrats took back the House of Representatives in the 2018 midterm elections, providing a check on Republican policymaking and a rebuke to President Trump for the next two years. What do you think?Read more...

SANTA FE, NM—In an effort to provide habitually drug-addled community members with more and better legal opportunities for financial self-support, career placement nonprofit Pass It On has announced a new employment program that aims to place burnouts in jobs they can do while totally blitzed out of their minds.…Read more...

NEW YORK—Promising gamers the most authentic equine experience in gaming history, Rockstar Games announced Wednesday that the first downloadable content update to their record-setting open-world Western game Red Dead Redemption 2 will have players reliving the game’s story from the perspective of their favorite horse.…Read more...

SAN QUENTIN, CA—In a new study examining trends in long-term American incarceration, Cornell University researchers found a marked increase Wednesday in the number of prisons encouraging creativity in death row inmates by allowing them to design the method of their execution. “Our investigation revealed that an…Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that the pop hit was certain to have far greater longevity than the entirety of your earthly works, a new report released Wednesday found that the song “Centerfold,” by The J. Geils Band will outlast you and all you create in this life. “After extensive research, we have conclusively shown that the…Read more...

Three U.S. families—the Waltons of Walmart, the Mars candy family, and the Koch brothers—have a combined wealth of $348.7 billion, a fortune that has increased 6,000 percent since 1982. What do you think?Read more...