The Onion

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a troubling revelation concerning the living conditions of millions nationwide, a Harvard University study confirmed Wednesday that only 40 percent of mice in the continental U.S. have a little welcome mat and doorway leading to a tiny home inside a wall. “Our research shows that, disturbingly, less…Read more...

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POMONA, CA—Acknowledging that although she has always imagined her special day as something out of a storybook, bride-to-be Beth Wharton admitted Wednesday that it would be kind of thrilling if someone objected at her wedding. “I’ve spent so much time and money planning the perfect wedding, but I can’t deny it would…Read more...

BOSTON—Emphasizing the detrimental health effects of nocturnal respiratory sound generation on sufferers, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital found that snoring may increase one’s risk of having their throats cut ear to ear during the night by loved ones. “Our results appear to…Read more...

SANTA MONICA, CA—Alarmed by the red vinyl seats, chrome accents, and no-frills dining options that suggested he’d been hurled backwards in time, Johnny Rockets customer Jason Levick was reportedly terrified Wednesday after evidently falling through a wormhole into the 1950s. “I just opened the door to a restaurant in…Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—During an investigation Tuesday into the first pedestrian fatality caused by a driverless automobile, an Uber representative reportedly told a National Transportation Safety Board detective, “As you can see, they are quite harmless,” while showing him a warehouse full of sleeping autonomous cars. “Look…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Concluding they had finally located the smoking gun, 379,000 Reddit users are reported to have simultaneously developed the belief that they had found the missing link in the investigation into alleged ties between Russia and President Trump’s 2016 campaign. “This is it—this is going to blow everything wide…Read more...

NEW YORK—Claiming the video game company’s unauthorized, decades-long use of their brand and intellectual property has resulted in financial losses running into the hundreds of millions, the National Football League sued Electronic Arts Tuesday to stop the production, sale, and distribution of its unlicensed “Madden…Read more...

JOLIET, IL—Purposefully whispering loud enough for everyone in the cafeteria to overhear, popular-girl sources reported Tuesday that the freak over there totally has the hots for you. “Don’t look now, but the freak is just staring at you,” reported Alicia, echoing the sentiments of Madison, Jayla, both Emmas, and Kait…Read more...

SEATTLE, WA—Calling on facts and information learned while listening to a podcast about the Watergate scandal the previous night, 38-year-old systems analyst Ryan Graham burst into a conversation about current events between coworkers Monday and, guns fucking blazing, unleashed the full force of his newfound…Read more...

WARREN, MI—Saying the establishment was both close to the airport and just off the highway, your dad announced Monday that he knows of a great hotel just 10 miles away from the city you’re visiting. “It’s a pretty good deal, and if you do decide to head downtown, they have a shuttle bus that can drop you off at the…Read more...

DOVER, DE—Getting quickly sidetracked by the mistakes on the insurance company’s “See My Benefits” page, local hacker Ben Kerrigan resolved Monday to just fix a few annoying typos on Guaranteed Health’s website before stealing their customer data. “Jesus, there are so many misspellings and doubled-up words in this…Read more...

Absolute joy to rub it in the faces of coworkers who doubted you.Read more...

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BARTLETT, TN—Saying he didn’t deserve to be treated like a pervert for the rest of his life because of one stupid mistake, local man Michael Horne told reporters Monday that it was completely unfair he ended up on the state’s sex offender registry just for public urination on a child. “It’s super fucked up that I’m in…Read more...

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ATLANTIC OCEAN—Concerned that the unappealing affliction would spoil his plans for a romantic evening, an embarrassed right whale was reportedly panicking Monday after having a huge barnacle outbreak before an upcoming date. “Oh god, I look terrible, they’re all over my face,” said the mortified cetacean, scrambling…Read more...

CHICAGO—Recognizing the aid the organization has provided to young people struggling to escape the pressure cooker of the nation’s most prestigious universities, officials from the educational nonprofit Teach For America are celebrating three decades of helping recent graduates pad out their law school applications,…Read more...

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MOORESVILLE, NC—Saying the innovation would be useful for both professional contractors and DIY-ers alike, home improvement giant Lowe’s introduced Friday a two-way ladder with added functionality that allows users to climb down. “With our new, easy-to-use bi-directional ladder, you can say goodbye to shimmying down…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to widespread criticism over the hoaxes and political disinformation featured on its platform, Facebook announced at a press conference Friday a new initiative to combat fake news by making the inaccurate stories on the social media site actually happen.Read more...

LONDON—Claiming that the fate of the Realm was dependent on the Prince’s continual satisfaction in all his physical needs, Queen Elizabeth II summoned Meghan Markle to her royal bedchamber Friday, where she embraced her granddaughter-to-be, slowly dimmed the lights, and proclaimed, “We must ensure you have the skills…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Shifting creative gears to pursue what he called “his other great passion in life,” casual men’s fashion, Paul Giamatti announced Friday that he would be cutting back on acting to launch a signature line of shapeless khakis and rumpled polos. “Over the years, I’ve heard from so many fans who wanted to dress…Read more...

GULFPORT, MS—Assuring the prospective buyers that they couldn’t find this kind of charm in newer builds, a local doll realtor reportedly glossed over the giant hinged opening in the middle of the house Thursday during a tour. “Yes, some of the design features are a bit unique, but don’t forget that with this property,…Read more...

WAYNE, NJ—Offering a supportive “you did the best you could,” an Iron Man action figure voiced by despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO David Brandon reportedly provided consolation to the executive as he slowly taped up a box of family photos and Hot Wheels cars and tracks. “We all know you gave it your all and there was…Read more...

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CHICAGO, IL—Confirming an exciting new foray into non-traditional revenue streams, The Onion announced Thursday that it has hired several industry-leading chefs away from pastry giant Entenmann’s in order to form their own mass-retail bakery. “We’re eager to announce that we’ve taken on the talents of Entenmann’s…Read more...

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HAWTHORNE, CA—Kicking himself as the full scope of his ignorance dawned on him, Elon Musk reportedly admitted his embarrassment Thursday after realizing he was proposing an idea for a thing that already exists. “You’ve got to be kidding me—I’ve been pouring all this money and energy into developing a concept that’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Citing data from across every economic sector, a report published Thursday by the Bureau Of Labor Statistics found that 99 percent of U.S. employees would use their boss as a human shield in a workplace attack. “According to our research, the first thing most American workers would do when confronted with…Read more...

REYNOLDSBURG, OH—Describing the high-visibility pyrotechnic device as a “sweet yet earthy 20,000-candlepower blend of shea butter and essential tree oils,” Bath & Body Works unveiled its new Soothing Eucalyptus Road Flare, sources reported Wednesday. “What better way to calm your nerves and divert traffic from your…Read more...

Multiple high-profile cases involving police officers who were exonerated after committing criminal acts, including killings, have shone a spotlight on the frequent lack of accountability for law enforcement. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how cops can get away with crimes.Read more...

BOSTON—Expressing concern for the well-being of the greater metropolitan area in light of their long history of irresponsible behavior, the populace of the United States gently suggested to Boston Thursday that perhaps they should take it easy this St. Patrick’s Day. “We want you guys to have fun and celebrate, but…Read more...

AMHERST, MA—Noting the various clothes and belongings strewn across the scratched, dust-covered floor, friends of local man Kyle Gruvard reported Thursday that his apartment was nowhere near nice enough for him to be asking people to take their shoes off. “I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling with this ‘no shoes’…Read more...

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