The Onion

NEW YORK—Capping a lengthy project to restore the iconic monument to its original form, New York City park officials announced Thursday that they have finally finished replacing the long-dead light bulbs in the Statue of Liberty’s eyes. “From its unveiling in 1889 until Hurricane Sandy damaged the statue in 2012,…Read more...

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Noting that the middle-aged individual walked in, dropped his towel, and began making small talk with those around him, sources confirmed Wednesday that a man at Core Fitness Center appeared to have absolutely no qualms about standing around naked in front of everyone in spin class. “That guy sure is…Read more...

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MERIDIAN, ID—Approaching the mysterious beings with a sense of curiosity and wonder, 5-year-old explorer Olivia Reynolds reportedly made contact Wednesday with two unknown life-forms in an adjacent booth at a local diner. According to witnesses, the harrowing journey began when the intrepid Reynolds stood up on her…Read more...

In the second part of the fifth episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David finally confronts W.O. Calloway about the murder of Hayley Price.Read more...

SAN ANTONIO—Seething after watching his players allow the wealthy to control the legislative process totally unopposed, head coach Gregg Popovich reportedly blasted the Spurs Wednesday for completely missing America’s descent into an oligarchy. “Wake up out there guys, how many times do I have to point out that…Read more...

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LEXINGTON, KY—Having spent his past 12 hours embroiled in the daily struggle to bring a relaxing sleep to customers nationwide, Tempurpedic CEO Scott L. Thompson told reporters Wednesday that the last thing he wanted to think about after an exhausting workday was going to bed. “Honestly, after a long day overseeing…Read more...

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NEW YORK—In an effort to challenge conventional societal norms of unattractiveness, a new series of body-negative public service announcements released Wednesday promotes the idea that ugliness comes in all shapes and sizes. “Always remember that whether you’re thin, curvy, tall, short, or anything in between: You are…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Capping off months of intensive research, the U.S. Department of Labor released a report Tuesday confirming that it is not in the least bit difficult to visualize the supple, nude bodies of your coworkers, and that you really ought to give it try. “It’s a simple exercise we highly recommend: Close your…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Fearing that such a revelation might derail an otherwise promising relationship, actor Leonardo DiCaprio reported feeling nervous Tuesday about the inevitable moment when he would have to tell his new girlfriend that he is still a virgin. “I hope she doesn’t look at me differently when she finds out I’ve…Read more...

LEXINGTON, VA—Upending generations of conventional wisdom about the nature of armed conflict, a new study published Tuesday has found that throughout history, most warfare has been conducted by women who disguised themselves as male soldiers to take the place of fathers too sick to fight themselves.Read more...

In the wake of another mass shooting, this one at a high school in Parkland, FL that claimed 17 lives, many Americans are demanding lawmakers address the nation’s firearm policies. The Onion presents a timeline of significant events in America’s gun law history.Read more...

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ATHENS, OH—Acknowledging that the Ohio school district’s threadbare budget prevented him from purchasing more up-to-date equipment, local math teacher Kurt Hyde confirmed Tuesday that he was forced to make do with centuries-old firearms. “The students here really deserve better than a bunch of muzzle-loaded long guns…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Gushing that yesterday’s Oscars had changed the face of Hollywood forever, hundreds of total fucking dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism reported Monday that “diversity was the real winner last night.” “On a night traditionally filled with glitz and glam, it was race and gender…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly nauseous while reading dozens of text messages and email follow-ups, a hungover Guillermo Del Toro reportedly panicked Monday after realizing he promised to write new movies for everyone he spoke to at the Oscars after-party. “Oh god, my fucking head—I can’t believe I agreed to make…Read more...

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HARTFORD, CT—During a panel presentation about his company’s recent 76 percent quarterly profit spike, Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini disclosed Monday that the key to increasing earnings in an era of ballooning costs continues to hinge on not paying for customers’ medical care. “The secret to running a thriving…Read more...

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NASHVILLE—Confused as to how they should react to his physical appearance, sources reported Monday that it was unclear if the actor Ramon Novarro, who appears shirtless multiple times in the 1931 drama Daybreak, was once considered attractive. “I guess he’s decently tall, and he’s certainly not overweight, but a…Read more...

LIBERTY HILL, TX—Making the call five and a half days into her normal cycle, local woman Erica Lauzon, 26, reportedly decided Monday that her period was over. “Yep, that’ll do it. I haven’t really checked, but it feels like we’re about done here,” said Lauzon, who took the lone tampon out of her purse and put it back…Read more...

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In the first part of an extra-long and incredibly poignant episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David returns to the Bluff Springs Police Department to search the evidence locker in hopes of finding the long-lost key to Hayley Price’s Murder.

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OUTER DARKNESS, HELL—Becoming disoriented by the sight of a shrieking, many-headed snake emerging in agony from a nearby lava pit, Pope Francis reportedly found himself in the depths of Hell Friday after taking a wrong turn in the nigh-endless catacombs beneath the Vatican. “Ah, crap, not again,” said the Pope,…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Honoring the esteemed actor’s many decades in the film industry with drinks and light appetizers, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences reportedly held a small farewell gathering in the Dolby Theatre kitchen Friday to celebrate the retirement of Daniel Day-Lewis. “I started working with Daniel…Read more...

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FRESNO, CA—Marveling at how a tiny bit of DNA could provide so much information about a person, local man Travis Fleming told sources Friday that he had recently learned what crimes he committed thanks to the 23AndMe forensic kit. “I spit into the vial they provided, shipped it off to the 23AndMe forensic lab, and…Read more...

CHICAGO—Informing readers that it was one of the sole means for a digital publication to generate revenue, a report released Thursday indicated that The Onion doesn’t make any money if you don’t click the fucking link. “According to our findings, The Onion doesn’t receive a single goddamn cent unless you dipshits out…Read more...

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