The Onion

CHICAGO—Admitting that he was torn over which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and…Read more...

BETHESDA, MD—In an alarming new study that sheds light on the hidden dangers of the popular protein, the National Institutes of Health warned Thursday that beef may serve as a gateway meat that eventually leads those who eat it to try human flesh.Read more...

BOCA RATON, FL—Struggling to deliver the remarks in between violent coughing fits, the nation’s baby boomers held a press conference Thursday to announce that they all have diseases now. “We felt it was important to go on record and affirm that each and every one of us is stricken with an illness now,” said…Read more...

On the heels of the recent $1.3 trillion spending bill passed by Congress, the CBO released a new 10-year forecast showing the national debt ballooning to $29 trillion by the end of the decade. What do you think?Read more...

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Calling all masters of horror! Darkness has fallen in the horrifying woods, and it’s time to swap tales of terror around the campfire in order to make us scream. Ghosts! Goblins! Animals with the legs of a man! Ancient monsters from beyond the farthest reaches space and time! All of the frights in your mind! We want…Read more...

Emmy-winning drama The Handmaid’s Tale returns to Hulu for a second season today, charting a fictional descent into dystopian sexism in the wake of the real-world #MeToo movement and rise of authoritarianism. What do you think?Read more...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring fans and reporters that his football career was far from over, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady revealed Wednesday that humanity would perish long before he retires. “You can’t take anything for granted in the NFL, but I’m taking care of my body, and I plan to keep playing football…Read more...

CLIFTON, NJ—Revealing that by the time most American mothers notice their sons’ activities it is already too late, a report published Wednesday by SurveyUSA claims that the majority of maternal parents aren’t paying sufficient attention to 80 percent of the cool things the nation’s boys do. “Whether at playgrounds,…Read more...

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RAIFORD, FL—Saying that the disciplinary measure would make the prisoner think twice the next time, Union Correctional Institution warden Roy Connaught said Wednesday he figured a week in solitary confinement ought to teach inmate Ethan Williams not to be schizophrenic. “I reckon a stretch in the hole might show Ethan…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Aghast at what apparently passes for parental supervision these days, theatergoing sources reported Wednesday that, oh, Jesus Christ, someone actually brought their kid to this thing. “Great. Now there’s some…some child making all this noise and running around, and I have no idea when or even if I’m supposed…Read more...

Nabi Tajima has passed away in Araki, Japan at the age of 117. Born on April 4, 1900, she was the last known person to be born in the 19th Century (which technically ended on January 1, 1901). What do you think?Read more...

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Fox News commentator Sean Hannity has been linked to a web of shell companies that used millions in HUD assistance to buy more than 870 homes—a relationship that Hannity never disclosed despite HUD Director Ben Carson’s recent appearance on his show. What do you think?Read more...

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NASHVILLE, TN—Shouting to make themselves heard over the blasting music and the other bellowing drunks, the nation’s 12.6 million intoxicated strangers announced plans to agree definitively and completely with anything one another said, inebriated sources repeatedly confirmed Tuesday. “Fuck yeah, dude, you’re totally…Read more...

The high-profile investigations by Special Counsel Robert Mueller and FBI officials into members of the Trump administration has put federal law enforcement in the spotlight. The Onion presents a guide to how FBI investigations work.Read more...

King Mswati III has changed the name of Swaziland to the Kingdom of eSwatini, meaning “place of the Swazi” in the Swazi language. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Dedicating himself to improving his skills every day in search of a repeat victory in the Best Animated Short category, Kobe Bryant reportedly hit the video editing bay Tuesday to work on defending his Academy Award win for Dear Basketball. “I’m trying to stay on top of my game, so I start every day at 6…Read more...

Chuck Schumer introduced legislation Friday to decriminalize marijuana, the first time that any party leader in Congress has endorsed rolling back such drug laws. What do you think?Read more...

BAR HARBOR, ME—Explaining that he really needed to escape from the increased public scrutiny into his personal and professional life, stressed-out Fox News host Sean Hannity reportedly bought 12 little cabins in rural Maine over the weekend to get away from it all. “I was getting really burnt out with work stuff and…Read more...

SANTA MONICA, CA—Speaking about the upcoming episodes of the Hulu series at a press event, producers of The Handmaid’s Tale announced Monday that the second season would focus on the serious dangers posed by feminism run amok. “Fans of The Handmaid’s Tale are going to be thrilled to be back in the totalitarian…Read more...

LONDON—Ruthlessly moving to stake his claim to the British throne mere moments after his parturition this morning, the newborn Prince of Cambridge began consolidating power by having all other members of the royal family imprisoned in the Tower of London, those close to the Crown report. “In what can only be seen as…Read more...

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If you haven’t heard the news yet, pay attention, because there’s been an urgent public alert issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Effective immediately, there is a nationwide recall for all romaine lettuce because it’s time for pizza!Read more...

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One of pop music’s most iconic superstars just announced that he’s stepping away from the microphone for good. Earlier today, Justin Timberlake issued a statement letting the world know that he’s retiring from singing after realizing you can just work in an office.

TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re…Read more...

DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you…Read more...

The Communist Party of Cuba formally announced the presidency’s transition from Raúl Castro to 56-year-old Miguel Diaz-Canel, ending nearly 60 years of Castro family rule. What do you think?Read more...

HOPKINTON, NH—After viewing several topographical maps, an old wagon wheel, and a few rusting farm implements, visitors to Hopkinton’s local history museum confirmed Monday that the curators had clearly dug deep to fill the two 15-by-20-foot rooms at their disposal. “The first room had photos of the town’s past and a…Read more...

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An intelligence source revealed that an upcoming talk between Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in could result in the announcement of an end to the Korean War 68 years after the conflict began. What do you think?Read more...

CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked…Read more...

After the 2016 election, it became clear just how successfully trolls and foreign enemies have been using the internet to undermine the democratic process. Unfortunately, technological advancements are guaranteeing that the problem’s only going to get worse before it gets any better. Want proof? This disturbing video…Read more...

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We all want to believe that love lasts forever, but the editor of Snopes, Patrick Gourley, just busted that myth wide open: He has officially listed his marriage of 28 years as a hoax.

After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?Read more...

HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…Read more...

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YOUR LOCATION—Explaining that staffing was a little tight right now and he would really appreciate the extra help, your boss was wondering Friday if you might be able to work late this year. “It’s obviously not required, but you’d be doing me a huge solid if you wouldn’t mind staying after hours for 12 months or so,”…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really…Read more...

Nearly seven months after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico has entirely lost power, with all 1.5 million electricity customers being plunged into darkness yet again. What do you think?Read more...

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Here’s heartwarming proof that some people will stop at nothing to offer help in a dire situation.

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