The Onion

NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m.…Read more...

THE COSMOS—Jumping into His primer-gray Chevy and booking it away from the sum totality of all existence, the Lord God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Out of Darkness, fled the Universe with $250 in cash, heavenly sources reported. “See you later, assholes!” said the Supreme Being,…Read more...

Here at ClickHole, user security is not something we treat lightly. That’s why we want you to know that we are beefing up our privacy policy so everyone feels safe and comfortable when visiting the site. Rest assured, the exploitation of your information is something ClickHole takes incredibly seriously, as our entire…Read more...

A recently passed NFL policy will require players to cease kneeling on the field, forcing them to either stand for the national anthem or stay in the locker room, an option that had previously not been available. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un fell through. “Unfortunately, so long as the aforementioned Nuclear Summit remains…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un fell through. “Unfortunately, so long as the aforementioned Nuclear Summit remains…Read more...

GREEN BAY, WI—Expressing concern that the latest film might let fans like him down, area man Tom Molina was doubtful Thursday that Solo: A Star Wars Story could ever live up to Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger. “I really hope the movie can match the immersive, world-building experience I had eating the Blaster Fire Burger,…Read more...

DENVER—Promising that it was really easy to get up there once you duck through the kitchen window, local man Alex Butler told his friends Thursday that you just have to climb a ladder, hop a 2-foot gap, and scale the wall to see the view from his apartment roof. “You won’t believe how great it looks up there guys,…Read more...

WILLIAMSBURG, VA—A general education study conducted by the College Of William & Mary’s School of Education found the average American citizen receives 87 percent of their knowledge concerning the geography, ecology, and history of the United States from the graphics of “America’s Moving Adventure” featured on the…Read more...

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DANVERS, MA—Observing the potentially suspicious behavior from a monitor bay in the entertainment center’s control room, Chuck E. Cheese’s pit boss Lance Kessler reportedly told a floor attendant Thursday to keep an eye on a guest who kept winning big at skee-ball. “Our friend at machine 12 seems to be on one hell of…Read more...

The summer of 2018 promises to offer the typical onslaught of blockbusters, thrillers, and occasional artsy fare. The Onion takes a look at the most anticipated movies of the summer of 2018.Read more...

FRANKLIN, TN—Wiping away bittersweet tears as the lights dimmed and the lovely couple took the floor for the first time as widower and wife, attendees at the funeral of Martha Bowers got misty-eyed Thursday during the traditional first dance with the corpse. “You could just see the love in [Phillip Bowers’] eyes when…Read more...

A sinkhole spotted roped-off on the White House’s North Lawn appears to be growing larger daily, journalists say. What do you think?Read more...

TAMPA BAY, FL—Watching with puzzled concern as his team ran onto the field and began shoving the opposing players, Boston Red Sox physician Adam Foster told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear if he should join a bench-clearing brawl with the Tampa Bay Rays. “I’m always happy to help the team, but I’m not sure if…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—After a nine-season run featuring the 39th president of the United States exploring the history, manufacturing, and culture surrounding the versatile legume, Netflix announced Wednesday the cancellation of Jimmy Carter’s World Of Peanuts. “Despite our great appreciation for President Carter’s entertaining,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Finding themselves increasingly annoyed with the inexplicable and infuriating persistence of their feeble socioeconomic inferiors, America’s rich and powerful were at a loss Wednesday as to exactly when the rest of the country would finally relinquish all hope and simply give up, sources close to the 1…Read more...

President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office that there was a “very substantial chance” that the summit with North Korea would not work out in June, but noted it may still occur at a later date. What do you think?Read more...

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TORONTO—Clarifying the storyline for fans of her book and its television adaptation, author Margaret Atwood announced Wednesday that the handmaids in her best-selling novel The Handmaid’s Tale are supposed to be aliens. “I appreciate the conversations about patriarchy and feminism my book has sparked, but what I wrote…Read more...

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Former presidential couple Barack and Michelle Obama announced a production deal with Netflix in which they will produce television shows and films for the streaming service. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Quietly chewing on a piece of crust as he waited for his connecting flight to arrive, local man Brett Harding silently ate a personal pizza alone in a corner at the Indianapolis International Airport Wednesday, all while having no idea that it would be the best part of his upcoming seven-day vacation.…Read more...

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Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced he will run for re-election as an independent on a platform that will include a $15 national minimum wage, Medicare for all, and free tuition at public universities. What do you think?Read more...

The Onion, in recent days, has attempted to contend with a serious legal threat issued in 2013 by the president’s personal attorney. In exchange for removing an offending piece written by Mr. Trump, titled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years,” our publication hoped for a speedy…Read more...

As we look out across this dance floor, and across the broader spectrum of our culture, it is tempting to conclude we are a nation hopelessly divided. After all, the issues that separate us are very real. However, I refuse to believe we will find solutions to our problems by retreating further into our respective…Read more...

BILLINGS, MO—Finding himself increasingly uncertain as to the purpose of his substantial cache of military-grade firearms, Billings resident Greg Carnes admitted Tuesday that he was unable to remember whether the 20 rifles he’d stockpiled were meant to aid in armed rebellion against the government or prevent the same.…Read more...

CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing frustration that the new role had been imposed on it without even so much as a warning, a recently planted maple tree reportedly wished Tuesday that it had been given a say in becoming a memorial to a man’s dead wife. “It’s just a really awkward position to be put in; I didn’t even know the…Read more...

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Speeding through affirmations about her looks, area woman Cara Waller attempted Tuesday to cram a few years’ worth of body positivity into the 20 minutes she had before trying on bathing suits. “Listen up, girl, we don’t have a lot of time here, but just remember every body is a beach body and your…Read more...

The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!Read more...

NEW YORK—Adding to its lineup an alternate-history drama that has been hotly anticipated by viewers and critics alike, the Showtime network will premiere an original series Sunday night that examines how the course of world events would have been altered if the Nazis had won the 1991 NBA Finals.

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The U.S. is one of the only countries not to mandate paid sick leave, a fact that many people believe is more harmful than helpful in the workplace, while opponents argue that it could hurt businesses. The Onion debunks common myths about paid sick leave.Read more...

PHOENIXVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that he is, after all, at a difficult age, sources at the Golden Living Center nursing home confirmed Monday that local senior Frank Gardner has been pretty checked out during his final year. “All he does lately is zone out and stare off blankly, so you can tell Frank wants to just…Read more...

Boring Company founder Elon Musk revealed this week that rides in the 60-mile planned system of tunnels currently being dug underground will cost $1 for commuters and will be free for a period when their first 2.6 mile segment is open. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Annoyed with the players’ complete lack of common courtesy, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred sternly reminded teams Friday to properly dispose of any torn elbow ligaments. “Any discarded elbow ligaments should be tied off in a plastic bag and dropped in the designated receptacles. Staff and fans shouldn’t have to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Citing leading economic indicators for its robust forecast of the nation’s fiscal climate, a new report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that the prevailing financial expansion will only continue and the economy will be invincible forever this time. “All available data tell us…Read more...

Bill Gates revealed that President Trump asked him on two separate occasions if there was any difference between HIV—short for human immunodeficiency virus—and HPV—the human papillomavirus—two viruses that have very little to do with each other outside of their similar acronyms. What do you think?Read more...

TAMPA, FL—Condemning the senseless and unnecessary nature of the slow-developing tragedy in the strictest possible terms, local authorities reported Monday that numerous bystanders failed to intervene as area man Brian Meehan went about his life. “Despite Mr. Meehan living his day-to-day life in clear view, many…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Far-right media outlet Breitbart News refused Monday to release the names of the 10 dead and 13 wounded in the Santa Fe High School mass shooting, saying that doing so would only give the victims exactly what they wanted. “We’re not going to give these victims the satisfaction of seeing their names and…Read more...

SEATTLE, WA—In an effort to restore the company’s battered image in the wake of recent controversies, desperate Starbucks officials openly begged Monday for people to masturbate and use drugs in the coffee shop chain’s restrooms. “Please, just come in and do whatever the hell you want in the bathroom—feel free to…Read more...

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