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Updated 2025-11-08 11:47
Man Passes Away Surrounded By Knife-Wielding Loved Ones
BETHESDA, MD—Following a long and excruciatingly painful battle, local husband and father of three Bryan Dunn, 43, reportedly passed away Thursday surrounded by many of his closest knife-wielding loved ones. “It was hard to see Bryan go, but you could tell how much it meant to have all of his friends and family around…Read more...
Frothing Alex Jones Claims Sexual Harassment Part Of Worldwide Imbalance In Gender Power Dynamics
AUSTIN, TX—In the wake of allegations of sexual misconduct by two former employees at his site, InfoWars, a frothing, red-faced Alex Jones repeatedly claimed that sexual harassment was part of a worldwide imbalance in gender power dynamics. “Sexual harassment is just one aspect of a larger system, extending to every…Read more...
The Onion’s 2018 Oscar Picks
The 90th Academy Awards have continued the trend of offering a more diverse slate of nominees, while organizers will seek to avoid a debacle like last year, when the Best Picture trophy was initially awarded to La La Land instead of Moonlight. Here are The Onion’s selections for this year’s winners.Read more...
Dollar Tree To Stop Selling Assault Weapons
CHESAPEAKE, VA—In response to the deadly shooting at a Parkland, FL high school earlier this month, Dollar Tree officials announced Thursday that the discount variety store will no longer sell assault weapons. “Under no circumstances should a teenager be able to walk into a Dollar Tree, purchase a Basic Brands ValuPak…Read more...
Pizza Hut Replaces Papa John’s As Official Pizza Of NFL
The NFL announced Wednesday that Pizza Hut would become its official pizza after parting ways with Papa John’s over criticism of protesting players. What do you think?Read more...
Beer Aisle Scanned For Something Asshole Friend Won’t Mock
JOHNSTOWN, OH—Anxiously searching through the variety of brands on display for an acceptable offering, local man Nate Walsh reportedly scanned the beer aisle of his neighborhood Kroger Thursday for something his asshole friend wouldn’t mock. “I never heard the end of it when I showed up to Dave’s New Year’s Eve party…Read more...
Apple Unveils Single Colossal iPhone All Americans Can Use At Once
CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the device as its most user-friendly and immersive to date, Apple unveiled the new iPhone X Continental at an event on their campus Thursday, marking the debut of the first smartphone colossal enough for all Americans to use at once. “Boasting a screen size of 1,400 by 2,875 miles and a…Read more...
PornHub Expands Parental Controls For User Accounts
MONTREAL, CANADA—In response to an outpouring of feedback from concerned families, pornographic website PornHub announced new parental controls Thursday to help users manage which hardcore, amateur, and fetish content their children see. “We understand that not all families share the same ideas about which filthy smut…Read more...
English Teacher Already Armed With Deadly Weapon Called Shakespeare
CHAMBERSBURG, PA—As the national debate surrounding school shootings continues with President Trump recently suggesting educators carry guns in the classroom, high school English teacher Mary Bacher told reporters Thursday that she was already armed with a deadly weapon called Shakespeare. “There’s nothing more lethal…Read more...
The Producers Of ‘Call Me By Your Name’ Discuss Their Favorite Peach-Fucking Scenes In The Film
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UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Has Finally Confirmed There Were No Survivors In The Challenger Disaster
Since its founding in 1756, The Onion has been the gold standard for journalistic integrity, never hesitating to grab truth by the collar, hold it up to a bright, blinding light, and demand answers. While lesser publications debase themselves by chasing after web traffic and social media attention, we maintain our…Read more...
Report: It Would Probably Be Nice Having Friends
RIVER FOREST, IL—Proposing that it might be kind of fun to share their life experiences with another person or persons, sources speculated Thursday that it would probably be nice having friends. “Gosh, it would probably be pretty cool to have a few select people in your life to do stuff with on a regular basis,” said…Read more...
Anti-Semitic Incidents Rise 57% In 2017
After a significant decrease in recent years, an Anti-Defamation Society report found that hate crimes against Jewish Americans increased from 1,267 to 1,986 in 2017, the largest single-year rise since the ADL began taking records in 1979. What do you think?Read more...
How To Build An App
STEP 1: Find a simple thing to make more complicated.Read more...
How To Protect Your Data From Hackers
As you go about your day, try to generate as little data as possible.Read more...
Delta Pilot Refuses To Land Until Gun Control Legislation Passed
ATLANTA—Taking a cue from the airline’s recent decision to cut business ties with the National Rifle Association, Delta pilot Jim Dettro is currently in a holding pattern above Hartsfield-Jackson airport and is refusing to land until meaningful gun control laws are passed. “Folks, this is your captain speaking. We…Read more...
Hardened White Blood Cell No Longer Hesitates To Kill Viruses
TEMPE, AZ—While acknowledging that patrolling the human body was at times both stressful and dangerous, a lone white blood cell long hardened by its repeated violent contact with influenza, papilloma, and the common cold acknowledged Wednesday that it no longer hesitates to kill viruses. “When I come across a strain…Read more...
Jared Kushner Loses Top-Secret Security Clearance
Presidential son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner lost access to top-secret information in a memo sent out last Friday, sources confirmed. What do you think?Read more...
Dunkirk Survivor Praises Film As Most Realistic Depiction Of Cowardly Fleeing From Battle
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Great Barrier Reef Offers Scuba Divers Chance To See Beautiful Diversity Of Ocean Death
CAIRNS, AUSTRALIA—Adapting to the climatic changes that have irrevocably altered the world’s largest once-living thing, tour guides on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef are now offering divers a chance to see the breathtaking diversity of ocean death. “Whether you want to see thousands of colorful crabs that died as a…Read more...
Frustrated Dad At Restaurant Just Wants A Normal Burger
SANTA FE, NM—Stressing that he did not need “a ton of fancy toppings,” local dad Dennis Metzger reportedly expressed frustration to his dining companions at the Boxcar Bar and Grill Wednesday, explaining that he just wanted to order a normal burger. “Is putting a regular, ordinary burger on the menu too much to ask?”…Read more...
Aquarium Touch Tank Lets Kids Pet Water In Natural Environment
CHICAGO—Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium unveiled a new Water Touch Tank exhibit Wednesday, offering children of all ages the opportunity to observe and pet the beautiful marine liquid in its natural environment. “Many of our young guests have already seen water, most likely in textbooks or during previous visits to the…Read more...
Spanx Introduces New Shapewear Hood To Smooth Unsightly Heads
ATLANTA—Promising the new addition to their product line would provide “that sexy, slender look,” undergarment maker Spanx, Inc. announced Wednesday it would begin offering its first-ever shapewear hood, designed to smooth away unsightly heads. “The Spanx Hood is made with a comfortable nylon and elastane blend that…Read more...
Old Man With Foggy Eye Not Even Magical
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Climate Change Could Kill Most King Penguins By 2100
Climate models suggest that 70 percent of the 3.2 million King Penguins on Earth could die off by 2100 due to dwindling food sources. What do you think?Read more...
Report Finds No Progress On Homeownership, Incarceration, Or Unemployment For Blacks
A report released by the Economic Policy Institute found that African Americans have experienced no net gains in homeownership, incarceration, or employment rates in the past 50 years. What do you think?Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 27, 2018
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Devotees Visit IHOP To Get Foreheads Marked With Syrup Cross On National Pancake Day
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‘Call Me By Your Name' Producer Explains The Challenges Of Working Around The Jolly Italian Chefs That Run Wild Through The Countryside
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Teen Unsure How To Break It To Parents That The Devil Got Her Pregnant
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Feeling anxious about broaching the subject with her strict, conservative family, local teenager Brynna Kessell confirmed Tuesday that she was unsure how to break it to her parents that the devil had recently gotten her pregnant. “When they find out that I’ve been carrying Satan’s spawn, they’re…Read more...
Pros And Cons Of Free Speech On College Campuses
Free speech has become an increasingly contentious issue on college campuses as students, faculty, and the national media debate whether schools should impose restrictions on things like protests, guest speakers, and course material. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of free speech on college campuses.Read more...
Woman Mentally Rifles Through Friends For Perfect Person To Sympathize With Current Pettiness
NEW YORK—Considering and rejecting names at a rapid clip, local woman Michelle Alghabra mentally rifled through over a dozen friends Tuesday in search of the perfect person to sympathize with her latest petty conundrum. “Alison is usually my go-to for a sympathetic ear, but she might not see this as that big of a deal…Read more...
My Vote Is Not For Sale At These Prices
When I was first elected to represent the people of Delaware, I made a vow to hold myself to a higher standard. The voters had placed their trust in me, and I knew if I broke that sacred covenant, I’d never forgive myself. Which is why, 35 years later, when someone tries to sway my position on an issue by offering me…Read more...
Movin’ Up
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Millennials Not More Liberal On Gun Control Than Past Generation
A Gallup poll has found that while Americans under 30 are more liberal on a variety of other issues, they are only 1 percent more likely to approve gun control than their elders. What do you think?Read more...
Corporate Retreat Teaches Employees How To Dick Around As Team
EDMONDS, WA—Highly motivated and ready to put their new skills to good use, sources at Rantrix Technologies reported Tuesday that their two-day corporate retreat had succeeded in teaching them how to better dick around as team. “It was really great to put aside our normal routine, take a step back, and focus on a…Read more...
China Proposes Ending 2-Term Presidential Limit
China’s Communist Party may scrap the two-term presidential limit, clearing the way for Xi Jinping to stay in power far longer than the typical 10-year tenure. What do you think?Read more...
Troubling Study Finds Majority Of Americans Who Got It Aren’t Flaunting It
ITHACA, NY—In an effort to raise awareness on a potentially massive squandering of personal resources by thousands of hip, happening Americans, analysts at Cornell University published an alarming study Monday confirming that the vast majority of citizens who have got it fail to regularly and persistently flaunt it.…Read more...
Man Who Has Clocked 137 Hours In RPG Can’t Believe He Has To Waste Precious Time Watching Cutscenes
CLEVELAND—Growing ever more frustrated as he found himself spending his 10th minute of the day on non-interactive animation designed to advance the game’s plot, gamer Kyle Pierce told reporters Monday that even after spending 137 hours playing Xenoblade Chronicles 2, he could not believe that he has to waste his…Read more...
Cleveland Finishes Construction On New Elevated Sewer System
CLEVELAND—Saying the bold new infrastructure project would serve the needs of local residents through the 21st century and beyond, city officials announced Monday that work was finally complete on Cleveland’s long-awaited elevated sewer system.Read more...
United Airlines Updates Policy On Allowing Dogfights In Passenger Cabin
CHICAGO—Explaining the growing need to tighten restrictions for the comfort of their guests, United Airlines officials announced Monday plans to update their policy on allowing dogfights in the passenger cabin. “Effective immediately, United will no longer permit guests to stage dogfights or any other bloodsport on…Read more...
Barbaric Fifth Grader Gouges Paper Onto Binder Ring Without So Much As Hole Punch
PHOENIX—Casting aside any semblance of social decorum and human dignity, fifth grader Evelyn Gasper brutally impaled a stack of loose-leaf paper onto the rings of her binder Monday without hesitating for even a second to request access to the three-hole punch, sources at Peabody Elementary School confirmed. “My god,…Read more...
Boxing Coach Wishes Just Once He Could Mentor Someone Who Has Already Fully Worked Through Childhood Trauma
TOMS RIVER, NJ—Reluctantly giving a pep talk on inner strength before ushering his newest student into the ring, local boxing guru Bill Sweeney told reporters Tuesday that he wished just once he could coach someone who had already fully worked through their childhood trauma. “Christ, I just want to teach people how to…Read more...
Report: Americans Waste Enough Food Each Year To Give Over 1 Billion Third World Residents Diabetes
ROME—According to a report released Monday by the United Nations, U.S. consumers waste roughly 50 million tons of sugar-saturated food each year, a quantity sufficient to give over one billion residents of the developing world Type 2 diabetes. “Citizens in more affluent nations such as the United States do not fully…Read more...
Priest Regrets Vow Of Celibacy After Learning About Furries
SOUTH BEND, IN—Saying he felt a sinking feeling of remorse while scrolling through dozens of online search results about the subculture, Roman Catholic priest Father Tom Shamblin admitted Monday that he has come to deeply regret his vow of celibacy since finding out about furries. “I thought I understood what I was…Read more...
‘Phantom Thread’ Producer Points Out All The Times Daniel Day-Lewis Fucks Up At Acting
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 26, 2018
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Junk Mail Locked Back Inside Letterbox Until Something More Important Delivered
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Hate Groups Increased In First Year Of Trump Presidency
American hate groups increased by 4 percent in the first year of Trump’s presidency, with a substantial rise in anti-semitic, racist, and anti-LGBT organizations. What do you think?Read more...
Episode 4:The Official Story
In the fourth episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David recruits Onion Public Radio’s robust team of interns to recreate the night of Hayley Price’s murder in order to determine once and for all if a person can really die from a simultaneous gunshot-stabbing-strangling-drowning. Plus: A major twist.Read more...
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