by The Onion on (#43C66)
Former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg will give $1.8 billion to his alma mater to create need-blind admissions in perpetuity. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2026-09-27 02:30 |
by The Onion on (#43C20)
WASHINGTON—Introducing an updated and expanded lineup for the much-anticipated annual event, single aunts across America released their official Thanksgiving 2018 boyfriend roster, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “We’re excited to show off one of the strongest rookie classes in years, as all sorts of up-and-coming…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43C21)
ITHACA, NY—In a new study released Tuesday by Cornell University, researchers revealed that the average adult male thinks of Santa Claus once every seven seconds. “Based on our extensive data, we can confirm that if you’re having a conversation with a man, whether he is young or old, chances are good that he is…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43BXX)
CHICAGO—Pronouncing the licensed retail goods acquisition technique “an effective method for citizens who wish to make their voices heard in these turbulent times,†a recent study conducted by the Brookings Institution concluded that purchasing items from the Onion store was the most important way for Americans to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43C22)
Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill putting California on track for a goal of 100 percent clean energy and carbon neutrality by 2045. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#43BPF)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#43BBX)
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by The Onion on (#439SV)
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 1.3 percent of children born in 2017 did not receive any recommended vaccinations compared to 0.3 percent in 2001. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#439NW)
DELANCO, NJ—Crouching on the river’s muddy banks as they carefully weighed down the journalist’s dismembered corpse with bricks, President Donald Trump informed Mohammed bin Salman Monday that they will never speak of this again as they dumped Jamal Khashoggi’s body into the Delaware River. “This never happened,…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#439NX)
CHICAGO—In an announcement perceived as a major reassurance to parents of children with low cognitive abilities, subpar reasoning skills, or who are simply “not all there,†top national pediatric health experts released a report Monday which claims that full-contact football poses little risk to children whose brains…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#439EN)
ISLAND HARBOR, ANGUILLA—In an effort to cut down on the crippling costs of their $190 million roster, the New York Yankees avoided Major League Baseball’s luxury tax this week by moving the franchise to an offshore location. “The Yankees have called New York home for 115 years, but unfortunately, moving the staff and…Read more...
Woman Amazed She Found Perfect Partner Just When She Was Getting Desperate Enough To Accept Anything
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#439A2)
ELKINS PARK, PA—Saying that “the universe works in mysterious ways,†local woman Rebecca Ellis claimed Monday to be amazed at how she found the perfect partner just when she was getting desperate enough to accept anything. “Who would have thought I’d find the most perfect guy for me at almost the same instant I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4395N)
NEW YORK—Clarifying that none of their trains feature intercom systems, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority revealed Monday they have no clue where the disembodied voice speaking to everyone on the subway was originating. “The MTA has never at any point hired a speaker to tell passengers ‘Stand clear of the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4395P)
BANGOR, ME—Admitting that their decade-long overindulgence in recreational stimulants rendered their memories “pretty much a blur,†the American populace admitted Monday to being so coked-out during the 1980s that they had no recollection whatsoever of reading Stephen King’s best-selling horror novel Cujo. “I have an…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43901)
Pixar has released a teaser trailer for their next highly-anticipated film in the Toy Story series, depicting Buzz Lightyear, Woody, and a new character, Forky. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#437KT)
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by The Onion on (#4342Y)
Nov. 18 marks 20 years since the debut of The Powerpuff Girls, the Craig McCracken–created cartoon that follows three kindergarten-aged girls with superpowers. The Onion looks back at the beloved show on its 20th anniversary.Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4342Z)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#433Z8)
NEW YORK—Heralding the 2,200-year-old fired-clay container as a priceless addition to one of the world’s largest collections of same, the Metropolitan Museum of Art held a press conference Friday to announce the acquisition of yet another vase. “We’re more than thrilled to add one more intricately designed vase from…Read more...
by The Onion on (#433VQ)
An FBI report found that the number of reported hate crimes increased by 17 percent in 2017, with a notable 37 percent surge in anti-Jewish incidents. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#433VR)
TULSA, OK—Pausing very briefly to reflect joyfully on her new role amid the day’s flurry of activity, new parent Suzanne Knott declared “becoming a mother has been the most thrilling experience of my life†Friday while fleeing the hospital with the baby she abducted mere moments before. “The very first moment I held…Read more...
by The Onion on (#433QK)
DENVER—Seemingly oblivious to the fact that Prohibition had ended roughly 85 years ago, a group of patrons attending a speakeasy Friday were apparently unaware that it is legal to go to regular bars again. “I guess they still haven’t realized that they don’t need to sneak around to buy alcohol, or go to a place with a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#433QM)
ANGERS, FRANCE—Expressing their contrition over the unfortunate incident, a team of archeologists from the Smithsonian Institution held a press conference Friday to apologize after discovering the last remaining Neanderthal and then immediately murdering him in a fit of crazed bloodlust. “The entire team is deeply…Read more...
by The Onion on (#433EF)
MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to enhance the grooming experience at the company’s more than 2,400 locations, Supercuts announced Friday that they are now offering customer baths starting at $14.99. “Just because we provide great bathing value doesn’t mean we have to skip out on any of the tubside amenities our clients…Read more...
by The Onion on (#433EG)
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing concerns about losing out on hard-earned blood money, a member of the Khashoggi assassination squad admitted Friday that he hoped his bonus check from the Saudi Crown Prince cleared before his execution. “They said they would do direct deposit, so everything should be good by Monday,â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on (#431KH)
BEIJING—In an effort to reduce the risk of overpopulation within the Muslim ethnic group, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced the decision Thursday to implement a new one-Uighur policy. “This new policy is an important step in keeping the Uighur population down to a number we find most manageable and best for the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#431KJ)
In a recent interview, A Song of Ice And Fire author George R.R. Martin admitted that the plot’s expansiveness and the pressures of expectations have caused him to struggle with the Game Of Thrones new book The Winds Of Winter. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#431FG)
AVONDALE, OH—Confessing that her grief was somewhat moderated by seeing events play out exactly as she had warned, local mother Deborah Klein said Thursday she felt somewhat vindicated upon learning that her teenage daughter Rachel, after staying out later than parental rules allowed, had been murdered. “Sure,…Read more...
Saudi Crown Prince Begins 100 Hours Of Court-Ordered Community Service For Murdering Jamal Khashoggi
by The Onion on (#431BC)
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Working with cleaning crews alongside the Riyadh-Dammam Highway, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman began serving his 100 hours of court-ordered community service Thursday for murdering journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “Well, I’ll admit it—I got mixed up with the wrong people and I did some bad…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43163)
WASHINGTON—A report released Thursday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that underfunded American public schools, most of which lack even the most basic support systems, were producing students who were perfectly prepared for the remainder of their dismal public and professional lives. “We found daily…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43164)
NEW YORK—Praising the media outlet for helping relieve them of their albatross, the wealth-burdened nation expressed gratitude Thursday to America’s Finest News Source for giving them the opportunity to spend money at the recently-launched Onion store. “These mugs and T-shirts bearing the Onion logo shall finally free…Read more...
by The Onion on (#43165)
Large wildfires have increased due to both the climate warming by 1.3 degrees over the past 60 years and forest management, leading to a fivefold increase in major fires since the 1970s. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4311N)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4311P)
SEATTLE—Appalled by the blatant lack of hygiene from someone they share a workspace with, employees at Avignon Public Relations were reportedly horrified Thursday that their disgusting coworker Mark Sharpe had barely bothered to wash his ass before leaving the restroom. “That’s so gross—I don’t know what he’s…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#430X4)
ST. LOUIS, MO—Stressing the difficulty of moving forward in a particularly trying stage of the mourning process, local widow Simone Irving told reporters Thursday that she still couldn’t bring herself to get rid of her late husband’s corpse. “I know it sounds silly, but it’s the last thing I have of him,†said Irving,…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#42Z16)
COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the contemporary romantic vibe was totally different than the one he experienced in the late Clinton era, recently divorced advertising copywriter Richard Hamlin, 40, admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to navigate the college dating scene. “It’s not easy jumping back into the acton,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#42Z17)
Bringing to an end over a year of speculation, Amazon officially chose Long Island City, NY and Arlington, VA for their next headquarters, offering 50,000 jobs to the regions, while dividing locals who worry about rising property costs and transportation concerns. What do you think?Read more...
Naked Man Refusing To Let Unworthy Attire Touch His Body Until Launch Of New Onion Store Merchandise
by OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Oni on (#42YGV)
PERRIS, CA—Saying he was unwilling to compromise his ideals by dressing in lesser-quality garb, naked man Jon Russo confirmed Wednesday that he was refusing to let unworthy attire touch his body while he awaits the launch of new Onion store merchandise. “My body is a temple and deserves to be draped in finery of a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#42YGW)
NEW YORK—Excitedly gathering for a good view, the nation’s tourists announced plans Wednesday to form a wide circle around a group of guys who were doing a bunch of flips and stuff. “We’re absolutely thrilled to stand here and clap our hands along with that guy cradling a boombox, cheering them on as they spin around…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#42YGX)
LOS ANGELES—In a concentrated effort to ensure the movie set felt like a safe, supportive place for all those involved, sources confirmed Wednesday that a female director was asked if she felt comfortable filming a scene while nude. “I just wanted to do a quick check with you to make sure you’re comfortable with…Read more...
by The Onion on (#42YGY)
NEW YORK—Marketing the emergency auto-injector as the perfect product for romantic evenings when you and a partner go into anaphylactic shock simultaneously, Pfizer unveiled a new line of double-sided EpiPen devices Wednesday designed exclusively for lovers. “We recognized a real shortage of intimate, life-saving…Read more...
by The Onion on (#42YBH)
Red Dead Redemption 2 has received nearly universal acclaim since its release in October when it had the second-most profitable entertainment product debut in history. The Onion answers common questions about playing the open-world Western game.Read more...
by Visible on (#42Y6C)
WASHINGTON—Saying the hostile behavior helped Americans feel empowered and liberated, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that the nation gets out all of its aggression during monthly phone calls to their wireless provider to fix their service. “Whenever I feel pure, unadulterated rage…Read more...
by The Onion on (#42Y0S)
Despite its denuclearization pledges, North Korea may be operating smaller, hidden missile bases, satellite analysis found. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#42WEW)
LOS ANGELES—Shedding considerable light on the acclaimed fantasy epic’s long-awaited conclusion, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Tuesday revealing that the show’s final season will be cobbled together from old footage. “We’re excited to confirm that the final season will focus on previously aired scenes…Read more...