The Onion

SEATTLE—Expressing some reservations about allowing the defense instant, unfettered access to the backfield, Russell Wilson asked the Seahawks Tuesday to modify a read-pass-option play where he’s immediately tackled by six players after receiving the snap. “I’m happy to run whatever the coaching staff draws up, but I…Read more...

One of the most anticipated games of the year just arrived on the PS4, an open-world exploration game that allows you to sightsee around New York City. The game’s vast detailed re-creation of the Big Apple is incredible, but sadly ruined by the game’s completely unrealistic addition of a spider-themed crimefighter.Read more...

BRISTOL, CT—Offering a rare behind-the-scenes glimpse into his decision-making process, ESPN fantasy football expert Matthew Berry admitted Tuesday that he just drafts fantasy players whose names he recognizes. “When putting together my perfect fantasy lineup, it can be hard to keep track of so many players I don’t…Read more...

A recent survey of crashes by autonomous cars in California found that the vast majority were caused by human—rather than machine—error, suggesting a failure on the part of these cars to accommodate the failings of actual drivers. What do you think?Read more...

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PORTLAND, OR—Reluctantly acknowledging that he would soon need to go out of his way to strike up conversations with the seventh-grader, Stoller Middle School janitor Charles DeWalt had already deduced Tuesday that he was going to have to befriend transfer student Jackson Clancy. “This is the third day in a row he’s…Read more...

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GREENVILLE, NC—Struggling to understand what about the video with 104 views necessitated the drastic measure, sources confirmed Tuesday that the ability to leave comments had been mysteriously disabled on a 32-second YouTube clip called “Watch Sparrow in my backyard.” “Jesus Christ, why did RokrDad67 think people…Read more...

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NEW YORK—A team of suspicious experts watching you thoughtlessly handling something they intuitively know you are not interested in buying released a report Tuesday confirming that’s expensive, please put it down. The report stressed that what you are so carelessly tossing back and forth from hand to hand is not for…Read more...

The number of Americans filing for unemployment aid fell to near a 49-year low last week, setting the stage for the Fed to raise interest rates later this month. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to mentor their next generation of corporate talent, CBS representatives announced Monday that the company would be retaining the services of former CEO Les Moonves in a smaller sexual-predator-at-large role. “We want to provide Les with a certain amount of freedom so he can just harass on his…Read more...

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Standing firm in his commitment to the historic property amid mounting apprehension over the approach of Category 4 Hurricane Florence, Myrtle Beach resident Dennis Brock told reporters Monday he refused to evacuate from his family’s ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop. “I don’t care what the government tries…Read more...

CHICAGO—In a new study released Monday by Northwestern University, researchers found that 83 percent of marathon spectators only attend to relish the sick thrill of watching their fellow man suffer. “Analysis revealed that the guilty pleasure of watching a group of exhausted, miserable human beings painfully push…Read more...

Almost half of young adults between the ages of 18 and 29 deleted the Facebook app from their phone in the past year, suggesting the social media giant continues to lose its grip on that demographic. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Insisting that every law enforcement official in America would have done the exact same thing if put in her situation, Dallas officer Amber Guyger claimed Monday that anyone could have mistaken a black man’s apartment for a dangerous firearm. “Listen, when your instincts kick in and your adrenaline is pumping,…Read more...

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SANTA MARIA, CA—Completely floored by his new appearance, sources at Pioneer Valley High School confirmed Monday that, whoa, their classmate Jeremy Lucas got totally hideous over the summer vacation. “Holy shit, Jeremy got super vile over the summer,” said Kimberly Stockton, 16, adding that she never really noticed…Read more...

In 1998, the Red Hot Chili Peppers were in a state of crisis. Their 1991 multi-platinum album Blood Sugar Sex Magik had transformed them into global superstars, but since then they had parted ways with guitarist John Frusciante and turned out the critically and commercially disappointing follow-up One Hot Minute with…Read more...

India’s highest court ruled that a 160-year-old law banning sex “against the order of nature” amounted to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, effectively decriminalizing homosexuality. What do you think?Read more...

HEAVEN—Condemning the heretical rejection of His divine will by a blasphemously underweight mankind, God declared Himself furious toward every person not actively striving to become as fat as possible off the divine bounty He has provided for His people upon the Earth. “This is the land of milk and honey, and also of…Read more...

LAKE WORTH, FL—Preparing to denounce football as a dangerous sport that takes advantage of athletes as soon as he could determine his favorite team had no hope of making the playoffs, local Dolphins fan Brad Abbott announced Sunday that he was going to check out the first couple games of the season before declaring a…Read more...

Former Vice President Joe Biden has given himself a deadline of January 2019 to decide on whether to run for president. What do you think?Read more...

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The New York Times published an opinion piece from an anonymous White House senior official criticizing President Trump and noting many members of his administration are working to “thwart parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.” What do you think?Read more...

PARIS—Expressing immense pride that the nearly 130-year-long construction project had come to an end, French architects held a press conference Friday to announce that the Eiffel Tower had finally been completed. “After countless delays in construction, we are pleased to announce that the Eiffel Tower’s original…Read more...

ROCHESTER, NY—In what researchers deemed “a total slog from start to finish,” a new study published Friday by the University of Rochester confirmed that this didn’t even feel like a four-day work week. “Despite initial rest and rejuvenation that came with having Monday off, our research found that everybody got…Read more...

NEW YORK—Growing increasingly anxious as tempers flared on the crowded platform, Metropolitan Transportation Authority planning director William Wheeler was reportedly too nervous Friday to tell commuters waiting for their train that service shut down permanently an hour ago. “Oh, God, I just don’t have the nerve to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Breaking into a grotesque, flapping half-run as his knees reversed themselves and pinion feathers burst wetly from his elongating fingers, rapidly deforming National Audubon Society president David Yarnold leapt through a window of his Manhattan office and flew in a series of ungainly swooping lurches towards…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide much-needed assistance to the beleaguered terrorist organization, a charity concert known as Rock The Caliphate—featuring U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa, and other top musical acts—was held last night to raise money for the struggling Islamic State.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Amazed by the archeological treasure trove he described as “hiding in plain sight,” museumgoer Nolan Terrell stumbled across a huge cache of rare fossils Friday while walking through the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles. “My first thought was that this is a gold mine—there’s a massive diversity of…Read more...

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My three children are the greatest joys in my life, and raising them has given me a sense of purpose that I never knew was possible. But at a certain point, you’ve got to draw the line: I love my children, but not enough to make them corn on the cob.Read more...

The 2018 NFL season kicked off on Thursday, as the Philadelphia Eagles sought to give their fans an opportunity to destroy their own city in celebration for the second year in a row. The Onion takes a look at the biggest storylines going into the 2018 NFL season.Read more...

A group of 100 Facebook employees have joined an internal group promoting political diversity at the social media giant, criticizing the company’s perceived “liberal monoculture.” What do you think?Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA—Reveling at the opportunity to respond to an online post with the quintessential short, silent video loop, local fucking idiot Greg Knott told reporters Thursday that he has the perfect GIF for that. “Oh, man, this is totally spot-on,” announced the knuckle-dragging dumbass whose very existence is a…Read more...

Today, The Onion is making an unusual editorial decision, and we want to explain why. As turmoil continues to increase within the Trump White House, this essay offers an invaluable high-level perspective into the administration’s inner workings. Due to the sensitive nature of this op-ed, revealing the identities of…Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Disappointed at the outcome of the event she’d been eagerly awaiting for weeks, local woman Hannah Kaperski told reporters Thursday that she would have had an awesome time terminating her unwanted pregnancy if it weren’t for the angry protestors screaming outside the clinic. “It’s just such a bummer—you…Read more...

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EL DORADO, MD—Long after historians, explorers, and even the most dedicated treasure hunters had given up the fabled lost city of gold as apocryphal, El Dorado has finally been discovered a few hundred yards off the I-95 Interstate outside Baltimore. “The conquistadors sought it in South America, Ponce de León looked…Read more...

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FOXBORO, MA—Phasing out one of the most famous and explosive parts of his game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Thursday that he plans to protect his body this season by no longer returning kicks. “I’m not in my 20s anymore, when I could return four or five kicks a game. I just don’t have the stamina to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Predicting that attire will almost certainly become one of the hottest style trends of 2019, attendees of New York fashion week confirmed Thursday that this year’s major theme has been clothes. “No matter where you look this fashion week, from Gabriela Hearst to Calvin Klein, every runway—without fail—has…Read more...

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TEMPE, AZ—Upon learning lifestyle company Goop had settled a lawsuit over false claims it made about the health benefits of its jade egg product, disillusioned local woman Melissa Salani reportedly began to question Wednesday whether any of her magical vagina stones actually possessed healing powers. “If my jade egg…Read more...