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on (#6MRKG)
CLEARWATER, FL-Spitting out his medication and sticking out his tongue in apparent disgust, local man Rick Walton reportedly refused to take his boner pills Monday unless they were strawberry flavored. No, no, no, I hate the blue pills-I want pink ones instead!" the red-faced 47-year-old said as he hid behind his...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 21:35 |
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on (#6MRKH)
A 44-foot-long endangered sei whale was found dead on the bow of a cruise ship entering New York, with authorities finding that the whale was likely healthy when it was struck dead by the ship. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MRKK)
BOSTON-Revealing they felt blindsided by the person they trusted most, the nation's weeping spouses held a press conference Tuesday to announce they don't recognize the person you've become. If you had told me all those years ago on our wedding day that this is who you would turn into, I never would have believed...Read more...
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on (#6MQB0)
Eighteen-year-old Barron Trump, Donald Trump's youngest son, is making his political debut as a Florida delegate to the Republican National Convention in July. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MQ87)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli government, anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirmed Friday. In the wake of recent IDF operations in Rafah, we will no longer serve as arms...Read more...
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on (#6MQ88)
CHICAGO-Wincing each time the loud, unnerving cackle echoed throughout the room, every patron at local bar Red Finch was heard to breathe a simultaneous sigh of relief Friday after a drunk guy with an obnoxious laugh got interested in his phone. Oh, thank God, he's finally distracted-maybe now we can have a...Read more...
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on (#6MPY0)
SAN DIEGO-Noting that the adorable abominations would not last long, Petco announced Thursday that all human-pig hybrids were on clearance at its retail locations across the country. Starting today, customers can come in to any Petco store and buy a pink, humanoid pig-man or pig-woman at half price," said Petco...Read more...
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on (#6MPY1)
JOPLIN, MO-Though decades have passed since the incident that sealed his reputation through childhood and beyond, siblings of Dennis McKee told reporters Friday that their youngest brother's status within the family continued to be that of the one who threw scissors at their mom one time. Regardless of anything Denny...Read more...
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on (#6MPW1)
Kicking off festivities leading up to the Summer Games in Paris, the Olympic torch arrived in Marseille where tens of thousands of onlookers watched as it was ceremonially transported from the port to the mainland. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MPW2)
PHOENIX-Stressing over the first-time meeting all afternoon, local woman Lisa Stone reportedly felt nervous Friday about introducing her historically hard-to-please parents to her lousy lay. This is huge-I've never brought home such an uncoordinated, selfish lover before," a visibly antsy Stone said to a friend,...Read more...
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on (#6MPFT)
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. stated that in 2010 after he experienced bouts of memory loss for which he sought neurological treatment, one of his doctors found evidence of a parasitic worm in his brain. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MP29)
Florida has passed a restrictive law that bans abortions after six weeks from a woman's last menstrual period, before most women know they are pregnant. The Onion breaks down the numbers behind the state's war on reproductive rights.
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on (#6MP2A)
Citing their concerns about citizens' privacy, a bipartisan group of senators is pushing to limit the use of facial recognition technology in airports, a rapidly expanding part of the check-in process. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MP2B)
DENVER-Finding it an adequate substitute for the alcohol she used to consume during an evening of social drinking, local woman Candice Cooper told reporters Thursday that an $18 mocktail helped her satisfy the craving she still had to waste money. It's nice to have a drink that gives me that same experience of...Read more...
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on (#6MP1P)
LOS ANGELES-Trying to blend in among a group of friends who wore homemade T-shirts expressing their enthusiasm for the program, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly played hooky Thursday as she sat in the Price Is Right studio audience and waited for taping of the game show to begin. I hope no one from work...Read more...
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on (#6MP0P)
NEW YORK-Discovering a new strategy to help him get through his hush money trial, former President Donald Trump reportedly draped his jacket over his head Wednesday so that nobody could tell he was sleeping in court. It's the perfect plan-people will assume I went under the jacket just to think a little bit more...Read more...
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on (#6MNH0)
Boy Scouts of America announced that it is changing its name to Scouting America in an effort to be more inclusive, with the organization's president Roger A. Krone saying, This will be a simple but very important evolution as we seek to ensure that everyone feels welcome in Scouting." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MNKM)
While Democrats position themselves as supporters of the First Amendment, many believe the government's reaction to public protests looked no different under Joe Biden than it did under Donald Trump. The Onion presents an in-depth examination of how free speech has been viewed by both administrations.Read more...
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on (#6MN5Z)
NEW YORK-Earning $2,200 per appearance, former president Donald Trump has begun paying his legal bills with a new gig as a CNN contributor, sources confirmed Wednesday. We are pleased to welcome Donald Trump to CNN's talented roster of experts and insiders," CNN chairman and CEO Mark Thompson said of the former...Read more...
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on (#6MN60)
Shaking off rumors of his retirement, 82-year-old Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) declared his plans to seek reelection, saying in his announcement video that the 2024 election is the most consequential election in our lifetimes."Read more...
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on (#6MN61)
EVANSVILLE, IN-After finding several messages the father of three had sent to women online, members of the local Branson family admitted Wednesday that they couldn't even be mad at their dad after seeing his heartbreaking attempts at cheating. I know I should be upset, but it's hard to feel anything other than pity...Read more...
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on (#6MN62)
Two-bedroom townhouse only 15 minutes from downtown and, Jesus Christ, what was I thinking trying to sell this all by myself? It's too late to go get a realtor now because I know my wife will be all smug about it, after I insisted I could do this myself and save a ton of money. God. I think we'll just not move.Read more...
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on (#6MM7A)
IQUITOS, PERU-Disappointed by the limitations of the psychotropic medicine, an ayahuasca-tripping God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Tuesday how underwhelmed He was to see Himself. I don't know what I was expecting, but I sort of figured I'd see something more awe-inspiring than the face of Me," said...Read more...
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on (#6MM7B)
CHICAGO-Dismissing concerns that funds were being mismanaged, the Chicago Police Department vigorously defended its decision this week to buy an entire fleet of 1967 Ferraris. We will use these babies to keep the community safe, and we will look badass while doing so," said Chicago Police Superintendent Larry...Read more...
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on (#6MM7C)
DAYTON, OH-Several reports indicated Tuesday that the email that would tear your life apart was currently in your nemesis's draft folder and that after it was sent, nothing would ever be the same again. According to sources, the 600-word email-penned by your lifelong foe-is CC'd to your friends, your relatives, and...Read more...
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on (#6MM7D)
LOS ANGELES-Kicking down the unlocked classroom door after listlessly wandering around campus, bored riot cops reportedly broke up a calculus course at the University of California, Los Angeles, on Tuesday. Hey guys, look-there's some students in there," said Los Angeles Police Department Lt. Thomas Larkins, who led...Read more...
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on (#6MKRZ)
JERUSALEM-Following its ban of the Qatar-based news outlet's operations in the country, Israel accused Al Jazeera Monday of being a mouthpiece for journalism. It is clear from its continuous, 24-hour coverage of the war in Gaza that Al Jazeera is working on behalf of journalistic principles," Prime Minister Benjamin...Read more...
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Inconsolable Anna Wintour Changes Met Gala Theme To ‘Looking Like Shit’ After Waking Up Feeling Ugly
on (#6MKS0)
NEW YORK-Throwing another outfit across the room with an emphatic sob, an inconsolable Anna Wintour reportedly changed tonight's Met Gala theme to Looking Like Shit" after waking up feeling ugly. Sorry for the last-minute change, everyone, but the theme is now Being An Ugly Piece Of Shit' to accommodate me feeling...Read more...
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on (#6MKRE)
TORONTO-In a stunning twist to the feud between the two hip-hop artists, Drake reportedly dropped a new track Monday inviting Kendrick Lamar out to coffee so they could clear things up. The truth is, Kendrick, I think you're a sweetie / Does 2 p.m. work, or maybe 3?" Drake raps in his new single titled I Miss You,...Read more...
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on (#6MKRF)
NEW YORK-Describing the newborn's stint in a neonatal intensive care unit as a brief, blissful period during which she was still beyond the reach of marketers, sources confirmed Monday that her 17 days in an incubator would be the longest period of her life in which premature baby Rosalyn Williams was not exposed to...Read more...
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on (#6MKDS)
SAN DIEGO-Repeatedly questioning how anyone in this city made a living when all they did was hang out and waste their time and money, local dad Keith Dearborn reportedly spent his entire vacation asking how this many people were out at coffee shops on a weekday. I don't get it. It's 12 p.m. on a Wednesday, and this...Read more...
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on (#6MKBY)
Unit contains resident who leaves out fresh roast chickens and keeps jug of milk in fridge. Take and eat whatever you want-they can't stop you!Read more...
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on (#6MKBZ)
WASHINGTON-Showing wide-ranging approval across all demographic groups regardless of political affiliation, a new poll from the Pew Research Center found Monday that the majority of U.S. citizens want immigration reform that includes making up new last names for people again. Our data show that most Americans do...Read more...
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on (#6MKC0)
Rakus, a wild Orangutan being observed in Indonesia, was seen using a medicinal plant called Akar Kuning, which is used throughout Southeast Asia to treat pain and inflammation, to heal a facial wound, chewing the leaves and applying them to the injury like a bandage. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MJ3T)
ACEH, INDONESIA-Watching in awe as the wild animal applied the medicinal product to the top of his head, primate researchers were reportedly stunned Friday after witnessing an orangutan use Rogaine to fix a bald spot. This is the first known case of any wild animal using an over-the-counter hair loss treatment...Read more...
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on (#6MHXQ)
WASHINGTON-His cell phone ringing and causing a huge distraction right as their piece began, the nation reported feeling embarrassed and devastated Friday after President Joe Biden answered a business call during their big recital. We spent weeks practicing for the spring piano recital, and he missed our whole...Read more...
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on (#6MHXR)
NEW YORK-With multiple eyewitnesses saying the public display of affection on a Manhattan-bound F train had gotten way out of hand, reports confirmed Friday that annoying teen Thomas Hansler had his girlfriend's whole face in his mouth. Ugh, if he wants to apply that much suction to her forehead, eyes, nose, mouth,...Read more...
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on (#6MHPN)
Fujikawaguchiko, a town in Japan known for its clear view of Mount Fuji, has begun constructing a large black screen to obstruct that view in an effort to ward off tourists, saying that the town has become overrun with people blocking traffic, littering, and trespassing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MHPP)
LEAWOOD, KS-Urging her boyfriend to calm down after he woke up and immediately began to panic, Taylor Swift reportedly began her day Friday by playing a video reminding Travis Kelce who she is and how long they've dated. Hi baby, I know you don't know who I am right now, but my name is Taylor, and I love you very...Read more...
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on (#6MH88)
As part of a promotion for its new Icons" category of rental properties, Airbnb recreated the floating house from the movie Up, which the company claims is a fully functional property that guests can stay in while airborne. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MG7R)
AUSTIN, TX-In the latest round of layoffs for the company's struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical...Read more...
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on (#6MFYX)
SACRAMENTO, CA-In a daily forecast that took note of a warm front moving into the area with a hot, damp mass of air, horny television meteorologist Troy Pruett advised local residents to bring a white T-shirt Wednesday in case it rained. We expect these rain showers to continue all afternoon and into the evening, so...Read more...
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on (#6MF1E)
LOS ANGELES-In a bold new campaign aimed at reversing recent declines in monthly subscribers, a new Tinder ad reportedly told lapsed users this week that they will come back to the dating app like a dog to its own vomit. Just as a fool to their own folly, you will return to your own retchings and happily lap them...Read more...
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on (#6MF1F)
GRAND CANYON VILLAGE, AZ-Awestruck as they watched the creature scarf down the grease-stained paper product, visitors at Grand Canyon National Park were reportedly treated to the majestic sight of a crow eating a napkin Tuesday. Shh, kids, quiet-we don't want to scare him off," said tourist Pierre Boulard, who took...Read more...
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on (#6MF1G)
INDIO, CA-Saying it was time to build upon the music and arts festival's two-decade track record of success, organizers for Coachella announced plans Tuesday to extend the event to 52 weekends a year. Doing two weekends annually has been great, but to really maximize the festival's potential, we've decided to add...Read more...
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on (#6MEB6)
FINDLAY, OH-Expressing frustration with the pressures of working in an underfunded public high school, local teacher Jason Corgenne told reporters Monday that he was forced to pay out of pocket just so his students could have access to the emergency contraception drug Plan B. If we don't have morning-after pills in...Read more...
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on (#6ME2C)
WASHINGTON-Calling the effort a major step forward in accommodating the needs of allergic citizens, President Joe Biden announced Monday his plan to set aside all land west of the Mississippi River as a gluten-free zone. Today, my administration is taking immediate action to purge this grain-based scourge from...Read more...
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