The Onion

LANSING, MI-Assuring herself it wasn't even that late, local woman Natalie Sissons reportedly allowed herself one more anxiety episode Tuesday before going to bed.Just one more episode of paralyzing apprehension and fear, then I'll call it a night," said Sissons, admitting that she knew she should try to get some sleep since it was a [...]The post Woman Allows Herself One More Anxiety Episode Before Bed appeared first on The Onion.

Lots of space in this end-of-the-row unit you can walk or roll into. Located in the basement of the public library, this place comes with water and one roll of scratchy toilet paper. Reference #18084The post Spacious End-Unit appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Promising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as a terrorist organization. According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, the organization has as many as 156 terrorists spread across 13 known cells in the United States, and several of [...]The post State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization appeared first on The Onion.

A Wisconsin man has voluntarily been bitten by snakes hundreds of times, with scientists now studying his blood in hopes of creating better treatments for snake bites. What do you think?The post Scientists Studying Man Who Let Snakes Bite Him Over 200 Times appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-After months of closing in on the former news anchor's legendary record, Michael Strahan surpassedDiane Sawyer on Friday asGood Morning Americas all-time sack leader. Throughout his career on GMA, Strahan has led the show in tackles, forced fumbles, interceptions, and, most importantly, sacks," saidproducer Greg Emerson, adding that Strahan's speed, strength, and ability to [...]The post Michael Strahan Surpasses Diane Sawyer As Good Morning America's All-Time Sack Leader appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Sitting in the front row and snapping his fingers in time to the 1980 musical's overture, President Donald Trump rehearsed his Cabinet for a Kennedy Center performance of Les Miserables amid an escalating boycott by the show's usual cast, sources reported Friday. Marco, I want you in there as Jean Valjean, and give us your [...]The post Trump Casts Cabinet In Les Miserables' Amid Kennedy Center Boycott appeared first on The Onion.

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NDIANAPOLIS-In an effort to curb unauthorized traffic to adult websites within the state, Indiana lawmakers passed new legislation Thursday requiring all potential viewers of online pornography to register as sex offenders before they could access sexually explicit material. This law will ensure that no resident of Indiana encounters harmful, X-rated content on the internet without [...]The post New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Insisting that a demonstration of the form was necessary to display its full force and power, elderly salsa instructor Hector Moreno announced his plan during a Thursday evening introductory class to dance with your girlfriend.No, no, no-you must do it with passion, great passion," said the 83-year-old man, who reportedly placed a hand around your [...]The post Elderly Salsa Instructor Announces Plan To Dance With Your Girlfriend appeared first on The Onion.

Known for being an adventurous risk-taker, Luke Platt, 36, died Thursday after brazenly wearing regular shoes on the bowling alley floor.The post Luke Platt appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Condemning what he described as the disturbing and unjust treatment of the group, President Donald Trump granted refugee status this week to former SS guards. The discrimination these people are facing is absolutely sick-they're literally hunting them down," said Trump, who greeted the small group of centenarians on the tarmac at Dulles International Airport and [...]The post Trump Grants Refugee Status To Former SS Guards appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden from serving in combat roles. The ban, which goes into effect immediately, prohibits male personnel with clearly [...]The post U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-Deftly jumping into the arena's octagon as audience members cheered and laughed, an Ultimate Fighting Championship clown attempted Saturday to lure an irate fighter's attention away from his fallen competitor.The lighthearted performer known as Boxo, who was dressed in brightly colored clothing with his face painted into a frown, reportedly sprang into action and began [...]The post UFC Clown Jumps Into Octagon To Distract Irate Fighter appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA-With the rest of the family looking on tensely as the conversation grew heated, local parents James and Denise Sweeney were reportedly bickering Tuesday over whether they had seen The Bear.We watched one episode and decided it wasn't for us, remember?" said James Sweeney, who vehemently refuted his wife Denise's statement that she would [...]The post Mom, Dad Bickering Over Whether They've Seen The Bear' appeared first on The Onion.

Studies have shown that creating a neat and organized living space can reduce stress and improve mental well-being. The Onion provides helpful guidance for decluttering your home. Lure Marie Kondo into your home using an evenly spaced trail of sensible storage solutions. Assess if you really need 8,000 terracotta soldiers in your tomb. Call some [...]The post Strategies For Decluttering appeared first on The Onion.

It's happily ever after for Abbott and Stephens, who wed in a farmhouse upstate right where they usually do the chicken sexing.The post Jamal Abbott and Vicente Stephens appeared first on The Onion.

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I've loved movies ever since I was a little kid. Just stepping into that dark theater, with the smell of fresh popcorn, was like being transported to a whole other world. It used to be so magical. But now I'm thinking about boycotting movies altogether. Why? Because I can't seem to watch one anymore without [...]The post You Can't Even Watch A Movie Anymore Without Seeing Some Theme Explored appeared first on The Onion.

EUSTIS, ME-With a banner that read We're All You've Got!" hanging above its entrance, local disgusting restaurant Lenny's Diner celebrated 30 years as a small town's only option, sources reported Monday.Since 1995, it has been our honor to serve the vilest food imaginable to a community that has no alternative," read a letter that had [...]The post Disgusting Restaurant Celebrates 30 Years As Small Town's Only Option appeared first on The Onion.

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This newly renovated home has everything you need to move right in, including a loving Cantonese family ready to welcome you with open arms. Reference #41845The post Turn-Key Stunner appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Insisting that they were all busy people with things to do, Sean Diddy" Combs reportedly asked a U.S. district court judge for a quick trial Tuesday so that he could just get to the part where President Trump pardons him. With all due respect, your honor, can we skip some of the preamble and [...]The post Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him appeared first on The Onion.

SACRAMENTO, CA-Promising his podcast listeners an engaging and enlightening conversation, California Gov. Gavin Newsom reportedly sat down Tuesday with a serial killer who targets the homeless population. So what do you think Democrats can learn from somebody who, like you, targets the most vulnerable among us?" said Newsom, who acknowledged that while he and the [...]The post Gavin Newsom Sits Down For Podcast With Serial Killer Who Targets Homeless appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA CLARA, CA-Following a long rough patch that had led them to consider ending their adulterous relationship, local married man Greg Whitfeld, 47, and his lover Arden Sullivan, 28, confided to reporters Monday that their affair had been saved by having a baby. The week-old infant, who along with the affair has been kept hidden [...]The post Baby Saves Affair appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being different around children.Starting today, adults are no longer permitted to be unique or to deviate from a narrow set of cultural norms while in the presence of a minor," Gov. [...]The post Texas Bans Being Different Around Children appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Presenting him with a small-scale gilded anatomical model at a lavish ceremony Monday evening, the American Film Institute honored top leading man Dwayne Johnson for his outstanding accomplishments in the field of neck acting.I am so proud to stand on this stage tonight as we recognize this brilliant performer for his commitment to the [...]The post Dwayne Johnson Honored For Accomplishments In Neck Acting appeared first on The Onion.

The couple tied the knot Saturday in the most unique ceremony that their tragically basic tastes would allow.The post Ashley Sullivan and Sally Hirst appeared first on The Onion.

MIAMI-Groaning as he scrolled through the terms and conditions and agreed to hold the platform harmless in the event of a financial loss, local man Ben Tormos told reporters Monday that he couldn't believe he had to download a stupid app just to bribe the president. Why can't bribing the president be as straightforward as [...]The post Man Can't Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President appeared first on The Onion.

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Starbase, home to SpaceX's private launch site, has voted to become an official Texas city. The Onion shares the perfect two-day itinerary for Starbase tourists. Day One 9:30 a.m. Get started at the visitor center From the airport, head straight to the Starbase Visitor Center, where you can book tours, buy souvenirs, and pick up [...]The post 48 Hours In Starbase appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Evaluating whether top college talent like Ace Bailey, Dylan Harper, and Kasparas Jakuionis can actually clean up on a professional level, the NBA Draft Combine started this week by testing how well prospects direct-message models on Instagram. Sometimes these players' messages look good on paper, or they're showing off on Instagram Reels, but then you [...]The post NBA Combine Tests How Well Prospects DM Models On Instagram appeared first on The Onion.

MEXICO CITY-In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking linguistic survey of resorts, beaches, and other tourist hotspots, a new report published Wednesday by a consortium of language experts across Mexico found that vacationing sources habla un poquito de espanol.According to the data we collected, American-born subjects were eager to tell researchers that they no [...]The post New Report Finds Vacationing Sources Habla Un Poquito De Espanol appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Appearing nervous as he acknowledged that he had concealed the truth from his fiancee for far too long, actor Tom Holland confided to reporters Thursday that he was working up the courage to tell Zendaya he was only 17.Oh man, I think I'm in over my head-when we go to get our marriage license, [...]The post Tom Holland Working Up Courage To Tell Zendaya He Only 17 appeared first on The Onion.

Sort of a perk, right? Okay, sure, you and Jeff aren't that close these days, but in theory it might be nice to see him more often. He could, like, come over for beers in the garage sometimes. Reference #34675The post Close To Jeff appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-A study published Friday by the National Association of Realtors concluded that most millennials will never own a swanky undersea apartment where fish swim past the windows. For the majority of working adults age 29 to 44, the dream of owning a glass-domed apartment on the bottom of the ocean overlooking a vibrant coral reef [...]The post Study: Most Millennials Will Never Own Swanky Undersea Apartment Where Fish Swim Past Windows appeared first on The Onion.