The Onion

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NORTH HEMPSTEAD, NY-Expressing relief after witnessing her become more confident and outgoing, sources confirmed Tuesday that a new preschool was really doing wonders for local mother Ellen Cline's social skills. Ever since preschool started back up after the holidays, Ellen is having fewer outbursts and is generally much happier," said Cline's aunt, Stacy French, noting [...]The post New Preschool Doing Wonders For Mother's Social Skills appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Complaining that all the extra income would likely bump him up to a higher bracket, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday he was worried that the day he spent working at McDonald's while on the campaign trail would screw up his taxes. Last year, my taxes were perfect, but this 1099 is going to send [...]The post Trump Worried Day Working At McDonald's Will Screw Up Taxes appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Saying he ought to try standing up for himself every once and a while, sources reported Tuesday that local weak-will man Danny Reese did whatever the Cook County Circuit Court ordered him to do. The judge tells him to stay 500 feet away from this place, stay 500 feet away from that place-and this pushover [...]The post Weak-Willed Man Does Whatever Court Orders Him To appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to patch things up in their relationship, billionaireJeffBezosreportedly changed TheWashingtonPostssloganto LoveYou,Babe" Tuesdayaftergettingintoafightwith his fiancee, LaurenSanchez. As of now, these words of affection are emblazoned on The Posts homepage and on all copies of the newspaper, and they will remain there until the two of them make up," said executive editor Matt Murray, [...]The post Jeff Bezos Changes Washington Post's Slogan To Love You, Babe' After Getting Into Fight With Lauren Sanchez appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to assuage any fears over the constitutionality of the Trump administration's flurry of executive actions, a D.C.-area think tank called The Himmler Institute reportedly assured the nation Monday that this is all perfectly legal. We've studied the total legality of far-reaching executive actions for decades, and we can guarantee that everything happening [...]The post Think Tank Called The Himmler Institute' Assures Nation This All Legal appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying he was just more deadweight hampering the executive branch's ability to function efficiently, Elon Musk confirmed Monday that he had offered himself $10 billion to resign from his position as head of President Trump's Department of Government Efficiency. Like many other federal employees, I too have been presented with a buyout option as part [...]The post Elon Musk Offers Self $10 Billion Federal Buyout appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Rushing to purchase the hoofed mammals before the Trump administration's tariffs on Canadian imports went into effect, Americans across the country were reportedly stockpiling moose on Monday. Prices of moose are already high, and I'm worried with these tariffs, they could surge even higher," said 43-year-old Iowa City, IA resident Zachary Beattie, who was just [...]The post Americans Start Stockpiling Moose Ahead Of Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Vehemently refuting the suggestion she was contributing to the displacement of the neighborhood's current residents, local woman Ellen Fuller told reporters Monday that technically she was gentrifying the land of the Potawatomi people. You say this was a historically marginalized neighborhood, which is strange, because all I see is indigenous land," said the 30-year-old asset [...]The post Technically Woman Gentrifying Land Of Potawatomi People appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-In an effort to avoid squandering any of the precious little time he had left, terminally ill man Sebastian Davies confirmed Monday that he was spending the entirety of his three remaining months of life reading up on how cool ninjas were. I don't want to leave this world with any regrets, so I'm packing [...]The post Man Given 3 Months To Live Spends All Of It Reading Up On How Cool Ninjas Were appeared first on The Onion.

The Colorado Supreme Court unanimously ruled that five elderly elephants don't have legal standing to sue to leave a local zoo because they're not human. What do you think?The post Court Rules Elephants Can't Sue To Leave Zoo appeared first on The Onion.

ALCOBENDAS, SPAIN-Responding to backlash after the resurfacing of a 2024 film in which she appeared, Karla Sofia Gascon issued an apology Friday for her participation in the movie musical Emilia Perez. I understand now that I should never have made this terrible film, and for that I'm sorry," said the Academy Award-nominated actress, who asked [...]The post Karla Sofia Gascon Apologizes After Emilia Perez' Resurfaces appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Pledging to restore racial purity to the nation's aviation programs, President Donald Trump assured the families of American Eagle Flight 5342 victims on Friday that he was doing everything possible to resegregate flight schools. You have my promise that I'm working around the clock to make sure our beautiful Caucasian pilots-who are just trying to [...]The post Trump To Victims' Families: I'm Doing Everything Possible To Resegregate Flight Schools' appeared first on The Onion.

Despite CDC recommendations that everyone get their shot by the end of October, less than half of American adults receive flu vaccines, with many refraining due to misinformation they encounter online. The Onion breaks down common myths about immunizations and how they really affect the body. MYTH: The flu shot is free. FACT: While the [...]The post Flu Vaccines: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ-Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered his pastry-laden fork Thursday, reporting that nothing could deter the 68-year-old as he forged ahead in his pursuit of numbness with a third slice of pie.I can still hear that voice in my head telling me to [...]The post Area Man Forges Ahead In Pursuit Of Numbness With Third Slice Of Pie appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Hopelessly captivated by the animal's cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area park Tuesday where sources confirmed that all 340 million Americans were vying for the approval of a cool dog. Several reports indicated the charismatic, carefree border collie, named Scout, was first spotted dashing across Georgetown Waterfront Park, [...]The post Nation Vies ForApproval Of Cool Dog appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying it was only by divine intervention that he was still standing, President Donald Trump stated during a press briefing Thursday that God had spared his life during last night's midair collision of an Army helicopter and a passenger jet over the Potomac River. Without the beautiful hand of God guiding that airplane away from [...]The post Trump Claims God Spared Him In Airplane Crash appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a desperate attempt to revive their floundering brand amid declining revenues, WeightWatchers officials announced Thursday that butter was now worth zero points. Joining the likes of cauliflower, plain Greek yogurt, and air-popped popcorn, butter will now be a WeightWatchers ZeroPoint food, so go ahead and eat-or drink-as much as you like," said interim [...]The post Cash-Strapped WeightWatchers Announces Butter Now Zero Points appeared first on The Onion.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, Rich. Our team trusted you with the privilege of proving yourself on Trivia Hell Night. But after last night's demeaning spectacle, I doubt we can ever go back to Sharlene's Bar without recalling the deep humiliation you brought upon us all. After tanking a Star Trek round with [...]The post When We Invited You To Join Our Trivia Team, It Was With The Understanding That You Knew Star Trek' appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Confirming the rumors around the popular franchise were true, executive producers confirmed Monday they had cast Almond Winfrey-Springsteen in Unfrosted 3. We are so excited to be a part of Almond's acting debut," said the film's producers in a statement, who lauded the 20-year-old former runway model, New York University dropout, and restaurant entrepreneur's [...]The post Almond Winfrey-Springsteen Cast In Unfrosted 3' appeared first on The Onion.

A very rare and very stinky plant, known commonly as the corpse flower, drew long lines at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden as locals sought to get a whiff, with the bloom occurring for the first time since it arrived in 2018 and only lasting a few days before it collapses. What do you think?The post Visitors Flock To Sniff Flower That Smells Like Rotting Corpse appeared first on The Onion.

In these scary and uncertain times, community is more important than ever. And nothing brings a community together like a good old-fashioned chili cook-off! Whether you're rich or poor, liberal or conservative, in perfect health or permanently disabled from the multiple gunshot wounds that nearly took your life, everybody can put their differences aside to [...]The post No Matter How Many Chili Cook-Offs I Win, Everyone Still Sees Me As That School Shooter's Mom' appeared first on The Onion.

MONTGOMERY, AL-Calling it a revolutionary way" to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death Row Fast Pass that allows convicts to skip the line for executions.With the amazing Death Row Fast Pass, inmates can zoom past all those condemned individuals in front of them [...]The post New Death Row Fast Pass Allows Convicts To Skip Execution Line appeared first on The Onion.

SAVANNAH, GA-Having had no direct interaction with the man at any time during the process, local event planner Anna Callaway made it through one and a half years of preparations for a couple's wedding without ever acknowledging the groom's existence, sources confirmed Saturday.According to reports, Callaway never once made reference to a second person being [...]The post Wedding Planner Makes It Through Entire 1.5-Year Process Without Acknowledging Groom appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured. The massive heavenly event began at 12:02 p.m. EST when a large burst of God's divine light shot down from the clouds and slowly [...]The post Chick-Fil-A Raptured appeared first on The Onion.

Hundreds of thousands of Palestinians streamed into Gaza's most heavily destroyed area after Israel opened the north for the first time since the early weeks of the war with Hamas, a dramatic reversal of their exodus 15 months ago. What do you think?The post Palestinians Return To Devastated Northern Gaza appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Confirming he had become almost unrecognizable to friends and family, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena opened up Tuesday about slimming down for a new role in which he would portray a human man.I knew I had to take drastic measures if I wanted to convincingly pass for a human man on screen," said a now 5-foot-9, [...]The post John Cena Slims Down For New Role Portraying Human Man appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-According to a new study published Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, not a single person has been born in the United States during the past five years.While the general fertility rate has been decreasing for some time, we found that it made a precipitous drop-off to zero starting in late 2019," [...]The post Study: No One Born In U.S. For Past 5 Years appeared first on The Onion.

SULPHUR, OK-In a heartwarming visit that both man and boy are likely to remember for the rest of their lives, Sgt. Thomas Anderson, a highly decorated soldier from the Cyber War of 2096, reportedly returned to his childhood home Wednesday with a message for his 8-year-old self. The bionic warrior, who leads an elite unit [...]The post Soldier Returning From 2096 Cyber War Reunited With 8-Year-Old Self appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-In a social media post in which she told followers that every dollar counted in the fight to keep him full, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced Thursday that she had donated $5 million to help end Travis Kelce hunger.It's tragic, but I see firsthand how devastating it is for Travis to come home after [...]The post Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To End Travis Kelce Hunger appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-In a high-level alert that revealed a geo-political rival of the United States could soon become the first nation capable of wielding the most powerful force in the universe, the Pentagon warned Friday that China was actively developing love, the greatest weapon of all. The alert, issued to the American public and top U.S. [...]The post Pentagon Warns China Developing Love, The Greatest Weapon Of All appeared first on The Onion.

THE DOOMFUL BOG-Saying he felt humiliated by such a public betrayal of his trust, a monstrous abomination known as the Bog Freak told reporters Friday that he was devastated to have seen a movie depicting things he told filmmaker Guillermo del Toro in confidence. I finally decided to watchThe Shape Of Waterafter a few friends [...]The post Monster Devastated To See Film Depicting Things He Told Guillermo Del Toro In Confidence appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Covertly checking her phone to see that 28 more minutes had passed, a visibly bored Kylie Jenner reportedly feigned a smile Friday as Timothee Chalamet continued playing the harmonica for her. So cool, babe-you're getting so good at that thing," said the 27-year-old media personality, slowly nodding and blinking as her boyfriend of two [...]The post Bored Kylie Jenner Feigns Smile As Timothee Chalamet Continues Playing Harmonica appeared first on The Onion.

CENTENNIAL, CO-With a series of television ads that will run in all major media markets and feature dozens of bloated, wincing celebrities, industry trade group the National Beef Council debuted its new You're Supposed To Feel Like That" campaign on Friday. If your stomach hurts and you feel sleepy, that just means the beef is [...]The post National Beef Council Debuts New You're Supposed To Feel Like That' Campaign appeared first on The Onion.