Feed the-onion The Onion

The Onion

Link https://theonion.com/
Feed https://www.theonion.com/rss
Updated 2025-07-09 01:00
New Law Requires SNAP Recipients To Balance Food On Nose Until Receiving Command To Eat It
WASHINGTON-As part of an effort to ensure the benefits were only allocated to those in true need," a new federal law went into effect Thursday requiring all Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients to balance food on their nose until they receive the command to eat it. There's no reason why working-age,...Read more...
Alabama Supreme Court Rules Frozen Embryos Are Babies
The Supreme Court of Alabama, a state which already does not allow for abortion under any circumstances, recently ruled that frozen embryos in test tubes are considered children, a decision that has made the process of in vitro fertilization possibly illegal in the state and has caused some practices to stop offering...Read more...
Do We Live In A Simulation?
Debate among scientists has risen in recent years about whether we live in a simulation, but what does that even mean, and what would be the consequences if we did? The Onion answers common questions about whether we live in a simulation.Read more...
What You Need To Know About Microplastics
Microplastics were recently found in human blood for the first time, leading to questions about what they are and how they could affect people's health. The Onion answers common questions about microplastics.Read more...
Emerging Filmmaker Malia Obama Changes Surname To Scorsese
PARK CITY, UT-Noting that she did not want her parents' fame to distract from her Sundance premiere, industry sources confirmed Thursday that emerging filmmaker Malia Obama had changed her surname to Scorsese.' Although her legal name is still Obama, Malia is officially promoting her short film The Heart under the...Read more...
America’s Border Crisis: A Country Divided On How Much Cruelty Migrants Deserve
Despite both the Supreme Court and the Biden administration ordering the removal of razor wire along the U.S.-Mexico border, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has pledged to continue installing it. The Onion asked Texans why they support the controversial deterrent, and this is what they said.Read more...
Blue Origin Builds $8 Billion Barrel For Jeff Bezos To Ride Over Niagara Falls
KENT, WA-After seven years of what it described as painstaking research and development, Blue Origin unveiled Thursday an $8 billion barrel it had built for Jeff Bezos to ride over Niagara Falls. Ever since Mr. Bezos was a boy, he has dreamt about soaring 188 feet down through the air in a barrel, and we're proud to...Read more...
Celebrities Who Are Secretly Being Controlled By Satan
In order to procure wealth, success, and fame, many celebrities choose to commit the ultimate sin and sell their soul to the devil. The Onion regrets to inform its readers that the following members of the Hollywood elite are secretly being controlled by Satan.Read more...
Oregon Man Contracts Plague From Pet Cat
A man in Deschutes County, OR is being treated for a strain of the bubonic plague that he contracted from his pet cat, which succumbed to the disease after hunting rats in an area where the ailment is endemic to the rodent population. What do you think?Read more...
Tattered Banner Ad All That Remains Hanging Over Long-Abandoned Website
CHICAGO-In what many described as the ghostly remnants of an internet that died long ago, a tattered banner ad was reportedly all that remained Thursday hanging over long-abandoned website MovieFacts.com. It's just so sad, in its heyday, this website used to be a bustling e-commerce hub that people would visit from...Read more...
Mom Only Likes The Other Outback Steakhouse
ANAHEIM, CA-Hearing a sigh as the car turned into the crowded parking lot of the Australian-themed chain restaurant, sources confirmed Thursday that local mom Dana Oliver only liked the other Outback Steakhouse, the one over by the Starbucks. I just don't see why we can't drive the extra 10 minutes to the one in...Read more...
Biden Chases Soap Bubble Across Nation
WASHINGTON-Clapping with delight while attempting to catch the thin, floating film of cleaning liquid, President Joe Biden chased a soap bubble across the nation Thursday, Beltway sources confirmed. Come back, Mr. Bubble!" said the commander in chief, who reportedly gave chase to the bubble after spotting it...Read more...
He’s No Brad Pitt: Brad Pitt At 60
Read more...
Sam Mendes Announces 4-Part Beatles Biopic Project
Sam Mendes announced that he is directing four separate feature-length biopics about the Beatles, with each being told through the eyes of a different band member, set to be released at once in 2027. What do you think?Read more...
Birth Control: Myth Vs. Fact
Birth control is used by over half of women in the U.S., yet there are many misconceptions surrounding it. The Onion looks at common myths and facts of birth control.Read more...
The Onion’s Guide To Starting A Sneaker Collection
The global sneaker market has exploded in the past several years to about $70 billion annually, but it can be hard for those looking to develop a sneaker collection of their own to know where to start. The Onion offers tips for starting a sneaker collection.Read more...
First Neuralink Implant Recipient Successfully Performs Depraved Sexual Acts On Elon Musk
Read more...
Dirty Clothes Hanging All Over Barely Used Peloton Instructor
AMES, IA-Stressing that he had thought the trainer would help him increase his level of physical activity, local man Greg Paloma admitted to reporters Wednesday that there were dirty clothes hanging all over his barely used Peloton instructor. At first I tried to exercise almost every day, but now Jeff, my Peloton...Read more...
Best Ways To Burn Calories During Sex
Rather than getting on a treadmill or going for a run, one way to get a good workout in is to take off your clothes and rub your genitals against someone else's naked body. The following are the best ways to burn calories while having sexual intercourse.Read more...
New Trump Fundraising Email Claims Candidate Needs $5 For Bus To New Jersey So He Can See Ailing Mother
PALM BEACH, FL-Urging his supporters to act now before it was too late, Donald Trump's 2024 presidential campaign reportedly sent a new fundraising email Wednesday claiming that the candidate needed $5 for the bus to New Jersey so that he could see his ailing mother. I am so sorry to bother you, but my mother is...Read more...
Restaurant Staff Has Fun After-Work Ritual Where They Enable Each Other’s Alcoholism
BOSTON-Calling the routine a nice way of blowing off steam and building connections with each other, staff at the new American bistro Bad Wolf told reporters this week that they had a fun after-work ritual where they all enabled each other's alcoholism. Yeah, it's great after a killer Friday shift to just head...Read more...
New Study Finds Cavemen Had Trouble Sticking To Paleo Diet Without Frozen Meal Kits
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA-Noting how difficult it was to endure the strict, no-frills program while foraging their own food, a new study published Wednesday by the University of Virginia found that cavemen had trouble sticking to the paleo diet without frozen meal kits. For early human ancestors, it was a real challenge to...Read more...
Conservative Worried Government Coming To Take His Hard-Earned Genitals
TRUSSVILLE, AL-Saying the state could pry his reproductive organs from his cold, dead hands, local conservative Sean Weiss worried aloud Wednesday about the government coming to take his hard-earned genitals. I've worked my entire life to get these gonads between my legs, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the...Read more...
Trump Booed At FurryCon While Hawking New $399 Tail
DETROIT-Drawing ire from the costumed fandom at the item's price and political implications, former president Donald Trump was reportedly booed Tuesday at a local furry convention while hawking his new $399 Never Surrender Trump Tail. Folks, this is a tremendous tail, really tremendous-perfect for bringing your...Read more...
Alabama Supreme Court Rules That Frozen Burritos Are Children
MONTGOMERY, AL-In a case aimed at preserving what plaintiffs described as the sanctity of reheatable Tex-Mex fare, Alabama's Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday in which it asserted that frozen burritos are children. With this decision, the court finds that frozen burritos-be they beef, bean and cheese, chicken, or...Read more...
Dakota Johnson Hoping She Doesn’t Get Any ‘Madame Web’ Questions At ‘Madame Web’ Press Event
LOS ANGELES-Wondering aloud why people seemed to be so obsessed with her involvement in the Sony Pictures-produced Marvel spinoff, actress Dakota Johnson told reporters Tuesday that she hoped she wouldn't get any Madame Web questions at a Madame Web press event. I don't get it-just because I starred in a...Read more...
Can You Tell Which Of These Tinder Bios Are AI-Generated?
Rather than using details from their own worthless, pathetic lives, more and more users are opting to use ChatGPT to fill out their Tinder bios. See if you can guess which of these bios were written by humans and which by AI.Read more...
Restaurant Patron Points At Item On Menu To Avoid Mispronouncing ‘Number 47’
NEW ORLEANS-Shifting in his chair as the server hovered over the table waiting to take his order, local man Mitch Frahm reportedly made a last-second decision Tuesday to point to the item he wanted to avoid mispronouncing number 47." Sorry, this is so embarrassing, but I don't know how to say the name of this dish,"...Read more...
Nation Surprised U.S. Power Grid Hasn’t Been Shut Down By Hacker Named Cyber Wolf
WASHINGTON-Expressing astonishment that such an act of techno-terrorism didn't come to fruition years ago, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they were surprised the U.S. power grid hadn't already been shut down by a hacker named Cyber Wolf. You'd really think that by the year 2024, we would've...Read more...
Christian Man Persecuted Simply For Driving 90 Miles Per Hour In School Zone
PEORIA, IL-Shaking his head as he spotted the flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror, local evangelical Christian man Joshua Weller was reportedly persecuted Tuesday simply for driving 90 miles per hour in a school zone. Looks like someone spotted the Jesus fish on my back windshield," said Weller, who...Read more...
Red-Pilled Americans Explain Why Men Should Never Get Married
Red-pilled individuals claim they have awakened to the truth that no-fault divorce, spousal support, custody laws, and many other things associated with marriage are biased against men. The Onion asked red-pilled Americans to explain why men should never get married, and this is what they said.Read more...
Scientists Warn Sky Running Out Of Good Puffy Clouds
NEW YORK-In a breakthrough study with a stark prediction about present meteorological trends, a team of scientists at Columbia University warned Monday that the sky was rapidly running out of the good puffy clouds. Based on the current trajectory, we expect that big fluffy clouds will be entirely gone from the...Read more...
Biden Falls Through Ice After Buddies Dare Him To Walk On Frozen Capitol Reflecting Pool
WASHINGTON-Ignoring his better judgment so as not to be called a chicken, President Joe Biden reportedly fell through a sheet of ice and plunged into dangerously cold water Monday after his buddies dared him to walk on the frozen Capitol Reflecting Pool. Sources confirmed the commander-in-chief's chums had bet him $5...Read more...
Date Treated To Amusing Story Behind Stain On Bedsheets
CHICAGO-Pulling back the covers to reveal a two-inch splotch in the middle of his bed, local man Dave Reardon reportedly treated his date, Sandra McAllister, to an amusing anecdote behind the stain on his sheets Monday. It's not what you think-it's actually a pretty funny story," the fully nude 32-year-old said...Read more...
God Admits Sending Great Flood Was Just Misguided Attempt To Impress Jodie Foster
THE HEAVENS-Claiming that love had made Him do crazy things, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday that sending the Great Flood to destroy the evil He beheld upon the earth was just a misguided attempt to impress Jodie Foster. Truth be told, I convinced Myself that if I sent mighty torrents of water to cleanse the...Read more...
Female Dog Told To Wag Tail More
Read more...
Putin Claims Russia Would Prefer A Second Biden Term To Trump
In an interview with Russian state television, Vladimir Putin claimed he would prefer that Joe Biden be reelected over Donald Trump, stating: Biden, he's more experienced, more predictable. He's a politician of the old formation." What do you think?Read more...
Bathroom Breaks, Coughing Babes, And More: This Week In Local News February 17, 2024
Read more...
Tucker Carlson, Hairy Men, And Impending Erections: This Week In Breaking News February 17, 2024
Read more...
Greece Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage In Bid To Do More Of That Wedding Dance They Do
ATHENS, GREECE-With passage of the law marking a first for a majority Orthodox Christian nation, Greece officially legalized same-sex marriage Thursday in a bid to do more of that wedding dance they do, according to members of Parliament. This is a historic moment that will dramatically increase the number of times a...Read more...
Timothée Chalamet Stuns At ‘Dune’ Premiere With Metal Saucepan On Head
LONDON-Eliciting loud gasps from spectators as he posed for photos, actor Timothee Chalamet stunned at the Dune: Part Two premiere Thursday night by wearing a metal saucepan on his head. It was a daring fashion choice, but Chalamet certainly made a statement by donning a 3-quart All-Clad stainless steel saucepan on...Read more...
Apple Vision Pro Users Returning Devices
Citing issues like limited usability and headaches, many Apple Vision Pro owners have begun returning their devices, which retail for $3,500. What do you think?
World Leaders On Navalny Death: 'Putin Will Go Unpunished'
BRUSSELS-Implicating the Russian leader directly for his role in Alexei Navalny's passing, world leaders issued a joint statement Friday pledging that President Vladimir Putin would go unpunished. Mark our words, the European Union will spare no effort in ensuring that Putin experiences absolutely no ...Read more...
This Week's Most Viral News: February 16, 2024
Read more...
Jennifer Lopez Confirms ‘This Is Me…Now’ Is Not Just A Movie Musical But A New Autocratic Nation-State
LOS ANGELES-Noting that the project would usher in an entirely new era for her, Jennifer Lopez confirmed Friday that This Is Me...Now was not only a movie musical, an album, and a tour, but also a new autocratic nation-state. This Is Me...Now means so much to me, both because it truly represents who I am at this stage...Read more...
ADHD Drug Shortage Forces More Parents To Beat Their Kids
SILVER SPRING, MD-Amid a shortage caused by rising demand, manufacturing issues, and federal limits on production, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Friday that the inadequate supply of ADHD drugs was forcing more parents to beat their children. Faced with out-of-stock pharmacies and few viable alternatives,...Read more...
Basketball Player Credits Kobe Bryant For Inspiring Him To Score 4 Points In Rec League Game
RENO, NV-Pointing up at the sky as he landed a bank shot, local basketball player Alan Jennings credited Kobe Bryant for inspiring him to score a career-high four points in his rec league game Thursday night. Kobe's dedication taught me that amazing things happen when you just get out there and play for the love of...Read more...
Country Music Fans Reveal Why They Will Never Listen To Beyoncé
With some country radio stations initially reluctant to play the pop star's latest releases Texas Hold 'Em" and 16 Carriages," The Onion asked country music fans why they would never listen to Beyonce, and this is what they said.Read more...
Usher Marries Girlfriend Jennifer Goicoechea In Vegas After Super Bowl Performance
Representatives for Usher confirmed that the the star and longtime girlfriend Jennifer Goicoechea, a senior vice president at Epic Records, tied the knot at the Vegas Weddings chapel after the Super Bowl where Usher headlined the halftime show, with the couple stating that they look forward to continuing to raise...Read more...
Days Of Whine And Roses
Read more...
...40414243444546474849...