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on (#6DTRC)
BERWYN, IL-Beaming as she explained that she was just eating and exercising normally, local woman Jamie Fisher told reporters Monday she was flattered that her doctor thought she had an eating disorder. Aw, that's so sweet that he thought I was skinny enough to be starving myself in a dangerous, medically diagnosable...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 09:15 |
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on (#6DTRD)
LOS ANGELES-Insisting that the twist never ceased to shock and amaze them, fans reported Monday that every season finale of the popular drama Black Gardens ended with a close-up of a supposedly dead character's eye springing open. Yeah, so they did this in the first five seasons with other characters, but this time...Read more...
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on (#6DRWJ)
The historic seaside town of Lahaina that was once the capital of the Kingdom of Hawaii has been largely reduced to ash as wildfires continued to rip through the state, with 36 people already confirmed dead. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DRWK)
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA-Insisting that they wished to demonstrate they were negotiating in good faith, Saudi officials announced Friday they had attempted to normalize ties with Israel by conducting an air strike in Gaza that killed eight Palestinians and left dozens more wounded. As an olive branch to Israeli...Read more...
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on (#6DRSN)
LOS ANGELES-Announcing that he was following the artist's lead, music executive Scooter Braun confirmed Friday that he would also be re-recording Taylor Swift's masters. I just think it's only right that I get paid for my music," said Braun, who said the newly recorded tracks would be labeled Scooter's Version" so...Read more...
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on (#6DRG8)
SEATTLE-Touting the device's state-of-the-art video and audio capabilities, Amazon unveiled its new giant camera Friday that tells users what to do. This floor-to-ceiling camera is the first auto-commanding device of its kind that blares accurate, up-to-the-minute instructions to the user on exactly what they should...Read more...
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on (#6DRG9)
LOS ANGELES-Announcing that the network wanted to shake up their Undisputed coverage team, Fox Sports began a search this week for a new fresh body to host Skip Bayless. We strive to offer our viewers the best coverage we can, and Skip is ready for a new host on which to feed," said Fox Sports CEO Eric Shanks,...Read more...
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on (#6DRDF)
Despite having many seemingly progressive views, many people who identify as liberal still support laws that make it illegal for the unhoused to exist in public spaces. The Onion asked liberals why they believe homelessness should be criminalized, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DRDG)
WASHINGTON-Stopping at a local cafe for a quick bite between campaign events, a puzzled President Joe Biden repeatedly slammed his hand into the front of a glass display case while attempting to grab a pastry, sources confirmed Wednesday. Well, that looks just too darn good to pass up-ouch, what the heck?" said the...Read more...
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on (#6DRDH)
NEW YORK-Hailing recent milestones as a new golden age of medicine, experts confirmed this week that healthcare breakthroughs over the past decade provide hope that baby boomers might never have to leave their positions of power. Thanks to rapid advancements in gene therapy, machine learning, and precision medicine,...Read more...
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on (#6DRDJ)
AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND-Following President Biden's authorization of the use of force early Friday morning, the USA Women's World Cup team was reportedly directed to intervene in the Japan-Sweden match. In what supporters of the action have praised as reasserting America's dominant place on the global stage, the members...Read more...
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on (#6DQXP)
A study that played the sounds of human and other ape babies crying out over a speaker found that crocodiles were drawn to the noises, in particular to the shrieks that sounded the most distressed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DQTG)
DES MOINES, IA-Praising the presidential candidate for nailing a high-profile stop on his campaign tour, witnesses confirmed Thursday that Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis had a surprisingly smooth verbal exchange with a corn dog at the Iowa State Fair. Frankly, I know he's struggled with voter interactions in the past, but...Read more...
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on (#6DQTH)
Hunter Biden recently pleaded not guilty to two tax evasion charges in the latest scandal for the embattled son of the president. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Hunter Biden scandalRead more...
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on (#6DQTJ)
BURBANK, CA-Moderating from his earlier position, a softer Bob Iger told reporters Thursday that he now hopes striking creatives die painlessly. After a lot of soul searching, I've come around to idea that striking writers and actors shouldn't be in agony when they finally succumb to death," said the Disney CEO,...Read more...
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on (#6DQXQ)
SAN FRANCISCO-Addressing her continued health problems, a spokesman for Dianne Feinstein confirmed Thursday that the California Democrat was recovering nicely after the gurney she was on plunged down a flight of stairs and launched her into a wall just as she was about to be discharged from the hospital. Not to...Read more...
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on (#6DQDF)
WASHINGTON-Coming under fire for its unethical use of African Americans as test subjects, the U.S. government has faced criticism after revelations emerged this week regarding its decades-long Whoopee Cushion Project, which tested new pranks on Black people. Beginning in the 1930s, federal authorities sanctioned a...Read more...
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on (#6DQDG)
WASHINGTON-In his latest attempt to fulfill his campaign promise of relieving the nearly $1.8 trillion burden on U.S. citizens, President Joe Biden officially wished away student loan debt Thursday by blowing on a dandelion. Today I closed my eyes, wished for the forgiveness of all tuition-related debt for single...Read more...
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on (#6DQDH)
Video conferencing software company Zoom has announced a return to in-person work, requiring employees to be in the office at least two days a week. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DQDK)
SCOTTS VALLEY, CA-Relying on his training in the heat of the moment, local police officer Victor Gerard reportedly played dead Thursday to get out of confronting an active school shooter. You all go ahead-I'm dying," Gerard said when he was selected to be part of a small team of armed cops that would enter the...Read more...
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on (#6DQAP)
Following Donald Trump's indictment on federal charges for attempting to overturn the 2020 election, Mike Pence has made headlines as a potential witness for the prosecution. The Onion sits down with the former vice president to discuss his political principles.Read more...
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on (#6DPSY)
A driver in Pennsylvania crashed their car into the second floor of a house, with photos from the scene showing the side of the vehicle lodged into the home with its back wheels dangling off the roof. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DPPC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Nervously pacing the office after the Asian leader finally responded to their repeated provocations, Pentagon officials were reportedly panicking Wednesday after Chinese president Xi Jinping showed up to fight them in the parking lot. Oh shit, oh shit-Jinping's out there, and he looks super pissed,"...Read more...
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on (#6DP8S)
PORTLAND, OR-In a sudden interjection amidst a casual exchange about an unrelated topic, local white liberal Kyle Newmar remarked, Queer, Black, POC," as a random non sequitur in the middle of a conversation. Intersectionality...systemic racism...oh, and Latinx, also," said the 32-year-old self-described progressive,...Read more...
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on (#6DP8T)
After an illustrator admitted to using AI to help design commissioned artwork for a sourcebook, Dungeons & Dragons released a statement announcing that AI-generated art would be banned moving forward. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DP8V)
PragerU, a far-right advocacy group, recently announced that its educational materials had been approved for use in the state of Florida. Test your knowledge to see if you can pass a PragerU class.Read more...
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on (#6DP8W)
CHICAGO-In a discussion with reporters following the team's practice, Chicago Bears quarterback Justin Fields praised the team's receivers Wednesday for running routes despite him having no intention to ever throw the ball. I tell these guys all the time, thank you for really putting your all into learning the routes...Read more...
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on (#6DP8X)
CHICAGO-Noting there's no price to admission, local stepdad Dale Tatum claimed Wednesday that watching raccoons fight by the dumpster was better than any zoo. Look at those little furry shits go at it! Won't get that at a damn zoo," said Tatum, chugging beer while explaining that he couldn't get as good of a buzz at...Read more...
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on (#6DP8Y)
COLUMBUS, OH-Slurring their words while issuing a barrage of loud complaints, coworkers of local brown-nosing employee Kathleen Morris told reporters Wednesday that she never showed up drunk to meetings. That absolute kiss-ass has never once arrived halfway through a meeting completely hammered," said visibly drunk...Read more...
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on (#6DNJH)
TAMPA, FL-In an effort to squeeze in all their usual activities during their annual visit to Tampa Bay, 43-year-old Ron Ortega told reporters Tuesday he had scheduled family fights into this year's vacation itinerary. We're going to be pretty tired after going to the beach in the mornings, so setting aside a few...Read more...
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on (#6DNEK)
PHILADELPHIA-A new study published Tuesday by researchers at the Wharton School of Business found that each year, U.S. employees waste 2 million hours spending time with their friends and family. More than 135 million individuals are employed full-time in this country, and collectively, they squander a staggering...Read more...
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on (#6DN8H)
As corporations become more comfortable expressing political positions, conservatives have resorted to boycotts in an effort to protect their most valued beliefs. Here are the top woke" brands that right-leaning patriots should never purchase.Read more...
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on (#6DN8J)
In the wake of America's surprise ouster from the Women's World Cup, conservatives have reacted with scorn for the U.S. Soccer Team. Here are some of their strongest responses to the loss.Read more...
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on (#6DN5E)
LONDON-Picking up the phone with excitement, local woman Sally Hartford's mood reportedly soured Tuesday after realizing her friend was only calling because he needed a trivia answer on a live game show again. Hey! I've been meaning to call you, actually, my mom is in the hosp-oh, you want to know what the largest...Read more...
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on (#6DN5F)
A Somalian sports official has been suspended after a seemingly untrained sprinter, who was a relative of hers, represented the country at a competition in China, where she clocked the event's slowest-ever 100-meter time at 21 seconds. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DN5G)
WESTFORD, MA-Noting that he had been letting his ideas percolate for the past few years, local man August Morris wrote Tuesday on Instagram, Hey, I know I haven't posted any new music in a while," in what was said to be the most humiliating social media post of the 37-year-old's life. Definitely been a minute, but...Read more...
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on (#6DMJX)
X, the site formerly known as Twitter, is now letting its Blue subscribers hide the once-coveted verification blue check"-the status symbol they pay $8 a month for-on their account. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DM2Q)
New CDC analysis shows that cases of Leprosy, also known as Hansen's disease, are surging in central Florida, with the region accounting for nearly one fifth of reported cases in the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DJCG)
Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau announced on social media Wednesday that he and his wife Sophie are separating after 18 years of marriage. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DJ9N)
WASHINGTON-Granting the cleaning implement full legal authority over her personal affairs, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly ceded her power of attorney on Friday to a broom resembling her daughter. At my age, it's important to have a dependable family member I can rely on, and there's no one I trust more than...Read more...
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on (#6DJ9P)
WASHINGTON-Noting that children were safer now that these sick individuals were off the street, the FBI arrested millions of Americans Friday who did not see Sound Of Freedom under suspicion of child trafficking. Today, we've detained countless citizens believed to be child traffickers who clearly did not see Sound O...Read more...
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on (#6DHX7)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to lay to rest questions concerning his health, President Joe Biden attempted to prove his fitness Friday by having his Secret Service detail drag his limp body around the South Lawn of the White House. As you can clearly see, I have more than enough stamina to serve another four-year term,"...Read more...
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on (#6DHX8)
LAPOINTE, DE-Speaking at a press conference to a community looking for answers hours after a brutal slaughter at a local mall left four people dead and six wounded, members of the LaPointe Police Department confirmed Friday that the mass shooter's motivation sounded pretty compelling. We have, as a country, suffered...Read more...
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