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on (#6DHC4)
Former President Donald Trump has been indicted for his attempts to overturn the 2020 election, the third time in four months that the former U.S. president has been criminally charged. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 07:31 |
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on (#6DH8G)
CHICAGO-Clicking on a photo of a bowl of noodles overlaid with the text Dinner," local depressed woman Alice Priestley confirmed Thursday that her sole source of pleasure was looking at pictures of food on restaurant websites. That looks good," said Priestley, who experienced the most interest she had felt in...Read more...
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on (#6DGVC)
A zoo in China is denying accusations that its bears are people dressed in costume after photos of one of their Malyasian Sun Bears standing on its hind legs went viral for looking suspiciously similar to a man in a bear suit. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DGC7)
Twitter's new X sign has been taken down after complaints from residents about intense light shining into homes and the sign lacking safety permits from the city. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DG5T)
WASHINGTON-In a bombshell 45-page indictment that shed new light on Donald Trump's plot to overturn the 2020 election, prosecutors revealed Tuesday that the former president strapped a bomb to Barron Trump and no one cared. On Jan. 6, 2020, Donald J. Trump refused to abdicate power and then, in a series of statements...Read more...
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on (#6DG24)
NEW YORK-Taken aback by the pop-up that had appeared on the screen before him, local man Don Hedrick told reporters Wednesday he was in a panic after receiving a notice from JazzTimes.com that informed him this was the first of his three free articles on the website. Oh God, only three? So I've already burned through...Read more...
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on (#6DFVS)
LOS ANGELES-In a last-ditch effort to turn a profit on the lackluster feature, Paramount Pictures managed to salvage a terrible film's box-office numbers by promoting it as the movie liberals don't want you to see, sources within the studio confirmed Wednesday. We thought slapping the title Sweet Land Of Liberty on...Read more...
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on (#6DF4X)
Put that painful divorce behind you with this 456-sq.-ft. studio apt. The kitchenette is ideal for microwaving half of a Subway meatball sub, while the living space adequately accommodates the futon on which both Connor and Tyler will be sleeping every other weekend. Plus, the cozy shower stall is a perfect place to...Read more...
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on (#6DF11)
BOSTON-Calling the claims he has made about his position in life completely unhinged," sources reported Tuesday that delusional local man Mike Caravatta actually believes he is important enough to be a cog in the machine. The 34-year-old deranged narcissist is said to have loftily described himself as but one...Read more...
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on (#6DERF)
WASHINGTON-According to a poll released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, 83% of voters think of Ron DeSantis as the presidential candidate they could most imagine drinking a beer alone. We surveyed over a thousand likely voters and found that out of every Republican seeking the nomination, Gov. DeSantis is the one...Read more...
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on (#6DER9)
BLOOMINGTON, IL-In an effort to offer a more competitive slate of financial protections for modern hazards, State Farm unveiled a new insurance policy Tuesday that protects customers against Jackson Mahomes. Residents in the Kansas City area, as well as in cities where the Chiefs' divisional rivals play, are at high...Read more...
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on (#6DERA)
Meta's new app Threads has lost about half its 100 million users after the app's launch a month ago, with Mark Zuckerberg calling the regression normal and pledging to add more features to keep users engaged. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DE9Z)
PALM BEACH, FL-Though new charges are expected soon from both special counsel Jack Smith and a Georgia investigation of the former president, the Trump campaign was said to be privately worried Monday that there still might not be enough indictments to meet all their fundraising targets. Frankly, we've got some...Read more...
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on (#6DE6Y)
ORLANDO, FL-After spending several long, painful minutes pacing up and down the aisles and attempting to decide on what he wanted, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) flubbed a grocery store visit Monday by attempting to buy the cashier. Good afternoon, I'll take this candy bar, a bottle of water, and also, I'd like to purchase...Read more...
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on (#6DE3E)
CLEVELAND-In response to concerns about whether his off-field behavior would risk further derailing his career, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters Monday, I've learned from my mistake of using my own name at massage parlors." To the Browns community, my coaches, and teammates, I take full...Read more...
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on (#6DBQN)
STOCKBRIDGE, MA-Acknowledging the need to right historical wrongs, curators at the Norman Rockwell Museum announced Friday that they were returning dozens of looted paintings to Africa. These artworks belong to the West African peoples they were taken from, and we have no right as a Western museum to continue to...Read more...
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on (#6DBQS)
VALDOSTA, GA-Explaining that even his deeply ingrained support for his country had its limits, zealous American patriot Gabriel Bartlett told reporters this week that he drew the line at women playing soccer. I don't care that they represent America-I'm not watching that shit," said the financial advisor and diehard...Read more...
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on (#6DB56)
WASHINGTON-Shocked by the former intelligence official's sensational testimony, members of the House Oversight Committee told reporters Thursday they were not expecting UFO whistleblower David Grusch to just dump an alien on the table like that. He didn't warn us or anything-he just said, You want to see some crazy...Read more...
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on (#6DB57)
TUSCALOOSA, AL-Having become an overnight sensation after he was seen in a video uttering the racist term in a local music store, a man who said the N-word while standing near a guitar reached the top of Billboard's country charts Thursday. Randall Case is a man who just happened to be about 4 feet away from an...Read more...
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on (#6DB12)
Elon Musk finally achieving his adorable decades-long wish to own a company called X is the latest high-profile corporate rebranding effort, and like all corporate rebrands, Twitter's renaming has inspired debate. The Onion looks back at the most famous corporate rebranding efforts in history.Read more...
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on (#6DAQZ)
WASHINGTON-Throwing up their arms in resignation, the nation's mothers announced Thursday that they don't even know why they try. We're just saying, maybe the nation should try taking care of itself for once, then they might see it's not so easy," said 54-year-old spokesmother Misty Hepworth, who sighed and shook her...Read more...
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on (#6DAQP)
BERKELEY, CA-Calling the correlation between the holiday and human fertility quite shocking," a new study published Thursday found a massive uptick in births nine months after International Carrot Day. The data show that far more children than usual are conceived on or around Apr. 4, the day dedicated to this...Read more...
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on (#6DAQQ)
Customs officials intercepted a pickup truck transporting four large wheels of cheese from Mexico that were hiding 17.8 pounds of cocaine. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DA6F)
American singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey was recently spotted wearing a uniform and working a shift at a Waffle House in Alabama for reasons still unknown. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D9NF)
BOCA RATON, FL-Promising hours of relief from common period symptoms, Bayer-owned brand Midol introduced Wednesday its first over-the-counter leather strap for menstrual-pain sufferers to bite down on while experiencing cramps. Midol's new 100% genuine cowhide strap lets you grit your teeth through all the cramping,...Read more...
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on (#6D949)
Sick of slumping from room to room? Why slump when you can bounce? Springboards of various size/bounce guide you from one room to the next in this five-story townhouse. And for easy transition between floors: trampolines! Bounce insurance not included in asking price.Read more...
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on (#6D8Q5)
With some critics calling the blockbuster hit a feminist nightmare," The Onion asked conservatives what they thought of the woke" Barbie movie, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6D8MR)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Noting that the oral health giant had knowingly poisoned Americans for years by using the toxic substance, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it would require Colgate to remove nicotine from all of its toothpaste. Contrary to Colgate's claim that it was merely a healthy...Read more...
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on (#6D8JM)
OVERLAND PARK, KS-Noting that things were clearly different back when her grandmother was growing up, local granddaughter Jessica Thomas told reporters Tuesday that all of the 83-year-old's relationship advice seemed to be predicated on getting married at 15. She was obviously trying to help, but so much of what she...Read more...
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on (#6D81Y)
Michigan's attorney general is charging 16 Republicans with multiple felonies after they are alleged to have submitted false certificates indicating they were the state's presidential electors despite Joe Biden's 154,000-vote victory in 2020. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D81Z)
CORFU, GREECE-Rushing to contain the towering inferno of cheese before it spread to other popular Greek destinations, firefighting helicopters flew over the isles of Corfu and Evia on Monday to extinguish an out-of-control flaming saganaki. Thousands of islanders are fleeing from this raging outbreak of fiery,...Read more...
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on (#6D821)
AUSTIN, TX-Following criticism for placing buoys and razor wire along the Rio Grande in a violation of international law, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott announced Monday that, going forward, he would order his state troopers to humanely stun migrants before drowning them. In an effort to make their deaths at our hands as...Read more...
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on (#6D7TZ)
Americans across the country need some moniker to scream at their little shits. The Onion examines the most popular baby name in every state.Read more...
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on (#6D7NF)
LOS ANGELES-Drawing disappointing box office returns after months of excitement and viral marketing, the new Barbie movie reportedly tanked Monday after the nation found an empty cardboard box to play in instead. This is more fun because it can be anything," said giggling local man Colton King, 34, speaking on behalf...Read more...
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on (#6D7NG)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing that they had come to the negotiating table with concessions to reach an agreement, SAG-AFTRA reportedly offered Hollywood's major film studios unlimited use of actor Justin Long's AI likeness Monday in exchange for a fair contract. We are serious about reaching a compromise, which is why...Read more...
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on (#6D7NH)
PORTLAND, OR-Noting that the bereaved man kept mentioning that the process looked pretty peaceful" to him, sources confirmed Monday that 56-year-old Greg Miller was clearly fishing for a doctor to tell him that his mother's death was painless. You're the expert here, so would you say her passing was, uh...smooth...Read more...
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on (#6D7N7)
DETROIT-Gathering around the inebriated 37-year-old with plans for a frank but necessary talk, concerned friends at Temple Bar reportedly had a long-overdue conversation with alcoholic acquaintance Jason Peck on Monday about buying the next round. We've been talking, Jason, and we need to address the elephant in the...Read more...
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on (#6D7KC)
Approving a new set of standards for classes that cover African American history, Florida's Board of Education has mandated that middle schoolers be taught that slavery gave Black people a personal benefit" because they developed skills." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D608)
TRAVERSE CITY, MI-Boasting that he had achieved his bigoted mindset all by himself," local 65-year-old Alan Smith told reporters Friday that when he was young, he did not require a social media algorithm to get started down the path of white supremacist beliefs. Back in my day, we didn't need to be spoon-fed a...Read more...
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