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on (#6JEXB)
WASHINGTON-Noting how imperative it was that Americans act responsibly while under the influence, the U.S. Transportation Department released a memo Wednesday that recommended cranking up Thin Lizzy's Jailbreak" while driving high. After studying countless drivers who had ingested marijuana, our data shows that the...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-09 04:30 |
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on (#6JETR)
GLENDALE, AZ-Calling timeout and coming to the aid of the team's visibly ailing head coach during Super Bowl LVII, Kansas City Chiefs medical staff helped a critically hungry Andy Reid into the sideline meat-smoking tent. After a member of our staff observed signs of low energy and problems focusing in Coach Reid, we...Read more...
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on (#6JEQF)
CHICAGO-As his 20-foot extension ladder wobbled slightly in the wind, sources confirmed that elderly neighbor Alfred Lojek was standing on a rung just below the roofline of his home Wednesday and hanging Valentine's Day decorations. According to sources, the senior citizen emerged from his house at 8:15 a.m. with the...Read more...
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on (#6JEMP)
WASHINGTON-Noting that such violent ambushes had skyrocketed over the years he'd been in office, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) pushed for legislation Wednesday to combat stagecoach robberies. While Democrats remain soft on crime, these dastardly bandits continue to roam the plains, robbing our nation's hardworking...Read more...
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on (#6JEMQ)
Ever since dipping her toe into politics, Taylor Swift has been the target of countless conspiracy theories from members of the far right. The Onion explores the most convincing hoaxes that have recently been circulated about the singer-songwriter.Read more...
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on (#6JEHR)
CANTON, MA-Boasting reasonable prices starting at $1.99, Dunkin' unveiled a new breakfast menu this week that featured a sad half-strip of bacon on a cracker. At only 30 calories and with over 1 gram of protein, Dunkin's all-new Open-Faced Turkey Cracker Breakfast Sandwich is the perfect choice for anyone who wants...Read more...
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on (#6JEG7)
Following statements from South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem (R) about sending razor wire and security personnel to the Texas border, Oglala Sioux tribe president Frank Star Comes Out banned Noem from the reservation, saying that those at the border should not be cut up by razor wire furnished by, of all places, South...Read more...
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on (#6JDW3)
Test your knowledge of Black history and the contributions of African Americans by taking The Onion's quiz.Read more...
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on (#6JDRX)
Conservative media figures recently began circulating conspiracy theories that Taylor Swift is part of a government-funded psyop to get President Joe Biden reelected. The Onion asked fans how they felt about the right-wing attacks, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JDRY)
BANDERA, TX-Admitting that he was actually a lot more shy and reserved than folks might think, introverted cowboy Cassidy Walsh sheepishly told reporters Friday that he'd been struggling lately to round up a posse. While I might seem confident and outgoing at times, the truth is, I'm the sort of feller who needs to...Read more...
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on (#6JDNR)
WASHINGTON-Lamenting the fact that they'll be paying off those fuckers for the rest of their lives, the nation's uncles reported, That shit adds up quickly," in an announcement Tuesday. I'm telling you, these guys will go on and on about the deal of a lifetime, then boom, you'll get your ass in a sling," said local...Read more...
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on (#6JDNS)
NEW YORK-Calling the breakthrough a major step forward in the enigmatic case of the aviator's disappearance, experts announced Tuesday they had discovered Amelia Earhart's long-lost Lockheed 10-E Electra plane on an auxiliary runway at LaGuardia Airport. Based on our analysis, it appears that during Earhart's...Read more...
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on (#6JD48)
LOS ANGELES-With a single artist dominating in nearly every category, last night's 66th Annual Grammy Awards were once again swept by an old man in a rocking chair who whistled and slapped his knee. Whistlin' Jesco, a blind man who reportedly lost his sight after drinking a bottle of his daddy's hair tonic at the age...Read more...
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on (#6JD49)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Amid widespread speculation over whether his girlfriend Taylor Swift could attend the Super Bowl due to a performance in the East Asian country, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce has been quietly avoiding the fact that he has no idea what Japan is, sources confirmed Monday. Oh, yeah, I've been...Read more...
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on (#6JD1C)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to stymie record-high crossings at the nation's southern border, the U.S. Senate put forward a new bipartisan immigration bill Monday that would only let in migrants who were accompanied by a group of hot girls. This bill will establish a strict 3-to-1 ratio requiring all migrants wishing to...Read more...
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on (#6JCR9)
While there are obvious red flags such as being a man who is weak, inadequate, or a good listener, The Onion provides a helpful guide to signs that you probably are a beta male.Read more...
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on (#6JCRA)
Social media users recently raised the alarm about the presence of lead in virally popular Stanley cups, which the company admits to using in the vacuum-sealed lining that keeps drinks' temperature stable; however, experts say there is no real risk to user safety as the small amount of lead is covered in stainless...Read more...
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on (#6JCP7)
WASHINGTON-In an address from the White House carried live on television, President Joe Biden gave the nation the nuclear launch codes Monday in case anything were ever to happen to him. Folks, I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but the fact is, I'm not always going to be around, and you need to be prepared...Read more...
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on (#6JCP8)
WAITSFIELD, VT-Feeling like a failure upon realizing that he had never even been to space, local 38-year-old Mike Arroyo told reporters Monday that he assumed he would have settled down on a distant monster-filled planet by now. I dunno, I just figured at this point in my life I'd be fighting off grotesque,...Read more...
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on (#6JCP9)
GALLATIN, TN-Touting its access to Cocomelon, Noggin, Disney+, and other popular video services, local daycare Little Angels Learning Center boasted Monday that it maintained a great screen-to-toddler ratio across all its programs. We're proud to say that every child enrolled in our daycare receives individual...Read more...
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on (#6JCM2)
COLUMBUS, OH-In an effort to make the streets safer through arbitrary killings, the State of Ohio began executing random people Monday in the hopes they were criminals. You have to assume at least some of the residents we are hanging and beheading are guilty of something terrible, right?" said Gov. Mike DeWine, who...Read more...
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on (#6JB9Y)
NEW YORK-Buffalo sauce dripping from its beak like blood from a baron's walrus mustache, a local pigeon reportedly delighted in eating a chicken wing Friday as if it were a sophisticated German cannibal enjoying his forbidden delicacy. According to sources, the pigeon's eyes took on a crazed glint, and it savored the...Read more...
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on (#6JB9Z)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) sent the state's National and State Guard to assist Texas in putting up razor wire along the border, despite a recent Supreme Court ruling that the federal government has the right to order its removal as the Biden administration has done. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JBA0)
Public shaming of individuals over minor or major social transgressions has grown into a massive component of internet discourse, with its share of supporters and detractors. The Onion takes a deep dive into the effects of online public shaming.Read more...
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on (#6JBA1)
DAYTONA BEACH, FL-Saying the event would mark a pivotal moment in the years-long conservative psyop, liberal conspiracy theorists claimed Friday that Kid Rock would endorse Donald Trump for president at this year's Daytona 500. Calling it now-on Feb. 18, Kid Rock takes the stage for a pre-race concert at Daytona and...Read more...
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on (#6JB6V)
Quiet quitting" is the new buzzword sweeping workplaces across the country, although the issues it really reflects can be confusing. The Onion answers common questions about the quiet quitting" phenomenon.Read more...
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on (#6JA88)
The past year has seen the most demand for housing since before the 2008 crash, and both real estate market experts and potential home-buyers are trying to understand why. The Onion looks at the factors driving the competitive housing market.Read more...
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on (#6JB0M)
BENTONVILLE AR-Confirming the wild animals had been captured and airlifted from forests in Oregon and Montana, Walmart announced it had released wolves into hundreds of it stores this week to help manage shoplifter density. Although the issue of retail theft is complex, we believe it's nothing that a few apex...Read more...
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on (#6JB0N)
With Travis Kelce in the upcoming Super Bowl, Taylor Swift's sellout Eras Tour stopping in Japan, and recent online attacks against both from far-right conspiracy theorists, the power couple's relationship, which is less than a year old, is facing unprecedented pressure and public scrutiny. The Onion sat down with the...Read more...
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on (#6JAYH)
ATMORE, AL-In an effort to make capital punishment more cost-efficient, a cash-strapped Alabama Department of Corrections confirmed Friday it had carried out the nation's first execution by lawn mower. As of last night, the state has successfully executed a convict by running him over repeatedly with a gas-powered...Read more...
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on (#6JAYJ)
GREENVILLE, NC-Telling viewers of his latest charitable video to prepare themselves for his most epic challenge yet," 25-year-old influencer Jimmy MrBeast" Donaldson announced Friday that he had resurrected everyone buried at Arlington National Cemetery. You might not know this, but sadly, over 400,000 of our...Read more...
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on (#6JAWE)
Taylor Swift, who has not publicly endorsed anyone in the 2024 election, is facing attacks from Donald Trump supporters and far-right conspiracy theorists who fear she could sway the election in favor of Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JAEA)
An increasing number of people advocate being open about salaries as a way to fix pay iniquities and encourage employees to ask for more compensation, but there are many cultural and professional taboos around the practice. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of salary transparency.Read more...
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on (#6JAEB)
HILLSBOROUGH, NC-Running over after they saw a man screaming at their children, a group of local parents reportedly stepped in Thursday to confront an overprotective parent who was overreacting to their kids pelting his son with rocks. Classic helicopter parenting, going absolutely ballistic over every little rock...Read more...
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on (#6JABH)
LONDON-Scuttling through passageways deep beneath Buckingham Palace, King Charles III reportedly fertilized a clutch of royal eggs Thursday. According to sources, Charles maneuvered through the damp, dark corridors on all four of his limbs, pausing occasionally to click together his fangs and eventually stopping...Read more...
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on (#6JABJ)
NEW YORK-Following his effort earlier this week to solicit thoughts from social media followers about their mental health, sources confirmed Thursday that fur had been falling off Elmo in clumps ever since the Sesame Street star asked Twitter users how they were doing. Elmo make big mistake," said the visibly shaking...Read more...
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on (#6JA87)
As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions, many have noticed that the country's stock market and economic situation, which would ostensibly reflect each other, seem to reflect entirely different situations. The Onion looks at the differences between the stock market and the economy.Read more...
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on (#6JA4Z)
KEY WEST, FL-Locking eyes upon realizing they were both cut from the same cloth, local man with a cockatiel on his shoulder Alex Maser reportedly gave a knowing nod Thursday to resident Thomas Beltran, who sported an iguana on his shoulder. Several reports indicated that Maser, accompanied by his cockatiel Roxy,...Read more...
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on (#6JA50)
The rate of infectious cases of syphilis has risen by 9%, according to a federal government report, with cases surpassing 207,000, the highest they've been in 74 years. What do you think?Read more...
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Mark Zuckerberg Assures Concerned Parents That He’s Keeping Very Close Personal Eye On Teen Accounts
on (#6J9FZ)
WASHINGTON-During a congressional hearing Wednesday aimed at holding tech companies accountable for children's safety online, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave testimony in which he assured concerned parents that he was keeping a very close, personal eye on teen accounts. I personally spend most days and nights in front...Read more...
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