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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 19:49 |
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on (#6N9HB)
INDIANAPOLIS-Saying he was deeply sorry about any pain his recent remarks about WNBA star Caitlin Clark might have caused, sports commentator Pat McAfee announced Tuesday that he would make a donation to a charity that helps white bitches. After pausing to reflect on the views I expressed on my ESPN show yesterday, I...Read more...
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on (#6N96R)
CHICAGO-Stewing in envy as it observed its adjacent neighbor, local big toe Stubs McPherson told reporters Tuesday that it would kill to be a slender, graceful second toe. She has no idea how good she has it," said McPherson, who claimed that no matter how many runs it went on or extra walks it squeezed into the day,...Read more...
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on (#6N96T)
WASHINGTON-Saying they couldn't remember exactly why they'd written off the talented, charismatic, and attractive celebrity, 340 million Americans confessed to reporters Tuesday that they had forgotten what it was they didn't like about the late O.J. Simpson. Huh, I always remember loving O.J., and I have no idea...Read more...
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on (#6N96S)
POCATELLO, ID-Still surging ahead at full speed after 48 hours without sleep, local man Henry Britto spoke quickly with reporters this week about how he was riding his manic episode straight to the fucking stars. Wooooooo! I'm gonna fly this shit all the way to the moon, baby!" said a visibly beaming Britto, his eyes...Read more...
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on (#6N8P2)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to respond to rising concerns about immigration, President Joe Biden signed an executive order Monday to deport all 340 million Americans and start the country over from scratch. Effective immediately, I am ordering the swift removal of all men, women, and children from American soil to...Read more...
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on (#6N8NM)
WASHINGTON-According to a new study from the Pew Research Center, only 1 in 3 Americans are able to name their elected representative's corporate donors. This is an alarming statistic that shows a profound lack of civic knowledge in this country," said study co-author Rania Hassan, who polled 30,000 U.S. citizens and...Read more...
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on (#6N8NN)
ATLANTA-Several years after ceasing donations to anti-LGBT organizations and taking steps to unravel the culture of homophobia rampant in its restaurants, Chick-fil-A joined fellow brands in celebrating Pride Month on Monday, admitting that it sometimes enjoyed prostate stimulation. While we can't go so far as to say...Read more...
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on (#6N8NP)
WASHINGTON-Saying threats were at record levels after the recent presidential election in Mexico, the Senate passed emergency border funding Monday to prevent female leadership from spreading to the United States. Given the very disturbing trend of empowerment and gender equality currently developing south of the...Read more...
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on (#6N8GE)
SAN DIEGO-Trying to get her children's attention as they played with their friends, a visibly frustrated local gorilla mother reportedly spent Monday constantly reminding her children to slouch. How many times do I have to tell you to stand crooked?" said mother of four April Grunt, tapping on her eldest's back to...Read more...
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on (#6N88C)
Nikki Haley recently came under fire for a photo that has surfaced from her trip to Israel in which she can be seen writing the words Finish them! AmericaRead more...
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on (#6N6XZ)
PLAINS, GA-On the heels of Donald Trump receiving guilty verdicts on 34 felony counts in New York, Jimmy Carter became the second president ever convicted of a crime Friday after a jury found he broke numerous laws while sticking up a Waffle House near his home in Georgia. Today's verdict shows that the rule of law...Read more...
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on (#6N6GF)
WASHINGTON-Whistling a spirited tune as he tackled his inbox Friday, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was seen taking a flattened possum from a pile of work and neatly filing the remains in a folder labeled Roadkill." There you go, right between pigeon and pronghorn antelope," said the secretary, who had...Read more...
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on (#6N6FR)
SAN FRANCISCO-In an effort to better cater to its target market, telehealth company Hims has reportedly begun selling bags of chips for depressed, impotent losers who are also hungry. Experiencing anxiety? ED? A rumble in your tummy? Hims can help," says a voiceover in the company's latest ad, which touts the...Read more...
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on (#6N654)
NEW YORK-In the wake of the landmark trial that made him the first person to both serve as president of the United States and be convicted of a felony, the entire nation reportedly shrugged Thursday after hearing about the 34 guilty charges for Donald J. Trump and then unpaused the most recent episode of MILF Manor....Read more...
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on (#6N62E)
NEW YORK-Cornering the man in a darkened parking garage as he walked toward his car, the Trump boys reportedly attempted to bribe a juror deciding their father's hush money case Thursday with a briefcase full of Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly Uncrustables. All it takes is a simple nacho guilty' [sic] vote to walk...Read more...
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on (#6N620)
WASHINGTON-Casting blame on his wife for the controversial flag that flew outside his home, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito told reporters Thursday that he tried to take it down, but Martha-Ann Alito, 70, hit him, and she hits him every night." As soon as I saw it, I asked my wife to take it down, but she said,...Read more...
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on (#6N5SE)
KERRVILLE, TX-Offering an added incentive in the hopes of enticing the young man to sign up for the military, U.S. Army recruiter Henry Tex" Teevens revealed during a job fair Thursday that he had a bound, gagged civilian that 18-year-old Milo Carnes could shoot right now if he enlisted. Yeah, buddy, I got one right...Read more...
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on (#6N5HM)
TULSA, OK-Emphasizing that both applause and audible cheering are mandatory, the artist rider in singer-songwriter Kyle Tatum's contract stipulates that local venue the Vanguard must provide the musician with all the validation he never got, according to a copy of the agreement viewed Thursday. In addition to a case...Read more...
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on (#6N5HN)
An Ohio golf course on the site of 2,000-year-old ceremonial mounds and burial grounds of the Hopewell Earthworks system refused a payment of $2 million for the World Heritage Site, leaving it up to a jury to decide what the site is worth before turning the land over to historical society. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N55C)
WASHINGTON-As part of a new nationwide etiquette initiative, a dialect coach was reportedly hired Wednesday to class up the American public before its big date with a wealthy man. Enunciate! For God's sake, enunciate!" barked the elocution professional, who grew more and more incensed, rubbing his face with the...Read more...
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on (#6N4WH)
ROSEMONT, IL-Saying the product tasted bad despite having an appearance similar to vanilla pudding, the American Academy of Dermatology issued guidelines Wednesday in which it advised against taking a big bite of facial cream. We conducted a few tests and found that while skincare products may look velvety smooth and...Read more...
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on (#6N4WJ)
CHICAGO-Blaming platforms like TikTok and YouTube for the fad's proliferation, experts expressed their concern and bewilderment Wednesday over the last will and testament craze sweeping the nation's tween girls. They seem to not understand, or simply not care, that creating a last will and testament at their young...Read more...
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on (#6N45H)
Stumble inside and you will be fed daily for free. No heat. Bucket provided for waste. $950/mo.Read more...
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on (#6N42G)
WASHINGTON-Admitting with a sigh that they couldn't believe it was somehow time to go back to work already, downtrodden sources confirmed Tuesday that before they even knew it, Memorial Day weekend was over. The sources, who came from all ages, races, incomes, and genders, begrudgingly told reporters that although...Read more...
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on (#6N3ZX)
Chicago is hosting the 2024 Democratic National Convention in August. The Onion examines everything the city is doing ahead of the DNC.
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on (#6N3WZ)
INDIANAPOLIS-Saying there were powerful people out there who didn't want this information getting out, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivered a rant about Windows 11 tips and tricks on The Pat McAfee Show Tuesday after going down the wrong YouTube rabbit hole. I'm telling you, Pat, there's an elite...Read more...
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on (#6N3S7)
HACKENSACK, NJ-Shrugging her shoulders in a dismissive manner, local mom Dina Marchesi reported Tuesday that she had no memory of telling her daughter she looked like a streetwalker" right before her eighth-grade dance. Come on, that doesn't sound like me," said the woman who had just that morning snidely commented...Read more...
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on (#6N3S8)
HELENA, MT-In an effort to raise awareness of any and all potential catastrophes, your parents reportedly called Tuesday to make sure you thought of every possible thing that could go wrong in life. Hey there, sweetie, just checking in to see if you understand that everything in your life is teetering on the edge of...Read more...
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on (#6N36Z)
PROVIDENCE, RI-While visiting a hometown friend at Brown University, college sophomore Caleb Martin was reportedly shocked Monday to discover that other schools have traditions where they drink to excess. It's as if they stole the idea directly from our own lineage at Tufts, right down to the whole concept of...Read more...
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on (#6N370)
BOCA CHICA, TX-Reached for comment on whatever entirely predictable controversy the tech billionaire had gotten himself involved in this time, multiple bored and exhausted sources confirmed Monday that Elon Musk...well, he was Elon Musk. Look, Elon is just-ugh, you know-he's being his usual self," said a source with...Read more...
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on (#6N36F)
A man who had a grand mal seizure while on a Royal Caribbean cruise was forced to pay a $2,500 bill before being evacuated to receive emergency treatment, saying that as he was put on a stretcher to be lowered onto a rescue boat, a cruise employee asked How much can you pay?" What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N35D)
SOUDERTON, PA-Taking stock of his life as his looming death crept ever closer, a local veal calf approaching slaughter reportedly found himself wistfully wishing this week that he had seen more of his 30-inch-wide pen. If I'm being honest, I regret not trying to turn my head more than 10 degrees in either direction...Read more...
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on (#6N35E)
CHICAGO-Saying his lucky break was almost certainly right around the corner, local man Andy Rutledge told reporters Monday this would surely be the year his amateur beatboxing career really took off. I've been honing my vocal percussion abilities for a long time now, and all that hard work is finally going to pay off...Read more...
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on (#6N35F)
CLAYTON, MO-Rolling their eyes at the homemaker's ignorance, sources confirmed Monday that self-proclaimed trad wife" Tessa Busby was not even kidnapped from the village of her birth by a rival viking clan. Has she ever gotten stuffed into a sack and transported across the North Sea on a longship?" said one source,...Read more...
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on (#6N1YS)
WASHINGTON-With his approval rating recovering among people likely to vote in the 2024 election, President Joe Biden enjoyed a surge in the polls this week after Americans noticed Netflix had added a few good shows recently. It appears that the tide is finally turning in Biden's favor now that voters have stumbled...Read more...
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on (#6N1YT)
The Department of Justice filed an antitrust lawsuit seeking to break up Live Nation, which controls 80% of ticketing at major concert venues through Ticketmaster, alleging that it monopolizes the live events industry. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N1WG)
WASHINGTON-Shedding light on the possible reasons for a dip in such news coverage, a report released Friday found that school shootings were either way down or too depressing for the media to cover. Really, there are two possibilities here: It could be that there's been some remarkable progress on getting guns out...Read more...
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on (#6N1S8)
CHIHUAHUAN DESERT, TX-Tearing through the desert wasteland with a fleet of self-driving Tesla Model 3s in pursuit, a mechanical-armed Grimes reportedly fled Elon Musk's compound Friday with five of the tech leader's wives in the back of a stolen Cybertruck. Grimes is said to have floored the accelerator and thrown...Read more...
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on (#6N1MH)
WASHINGTON-With trillions of periodical cicadas returning after years underground, the U.S. Forest Service confirmed Friday that the emergence of two broods this spring had led to a significant uptick in odd little children filling satchels with the insects' molted shells while mumbling under their breath. This is...Read more...
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on (#6N1JR)
Kami Rita, a renowned Sherpa mountain guide, made a record-breaking 30th ascent of Mt. Everest, with his two most recent climbs made within the same month. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N1JS)
INDIANAPOLIS-Admitted with complaints that it had been hard to tell the difference between their fingers and their food, everyone in Unity Medical Center emergency room Friday had bitten a digit off their hand while holding a sandwich, according to hospital officials. At the present time, every bed in our ER is...Read more...
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on (#6N17C)
A study based on the National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that more people in the United States use marijuana daily than alcohol, with 17.7 million people reporting using pot daily or nearly every day. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N13T)
PIERRE, SD-Furrowing her brow at the clock as she pressed down harder on the gas pedal, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem was reportedly forced to drive 500 miles around tribal land Thursday in order to pick up her dry cleaning. I really wish I'd known I was going to be banned before I dropped this stuff off last week,"...Read more...
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on (#6N115)
SAN FRANCISCO-In response to allegations that the artificial intelligence research organization used the actress's voice without consent, a jerky, seven-fingered Scarlett Johansson appeared in a video Thursday to express her full-fledged approval of OpenAI. It is me, Scar Johnson, to express to the internet that...Read more...
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on (#6N116)
AUSTIN, TX-Frowning as she inspected the unexpectedly high bill, local diner Sonia Wirtz was reportedly informed Thursday by staff at the restaurant Dahlias that her check included a 3% surcharge to provide the owner's sugar baby with a Birkin bag. With the cost of Hermes rising every year, our management decided the...Read more...
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on (#6N117)
NEW YORK-Sharing the results of a nationwide study commissioned by industry trade group the New York Building Congress, researchers published findings on Thursday that showed 63% of all construction sites are just a group of friends who want to play with a jackhammer. Contrary to popular assumption, the majority of...Read more...
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