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on (#6J9G1)
FARGO, ND-Appearing baffled by the transparency of the fluid discharged from the machine, area man Luke Chambers was said to have looked on helplessly Wednesday as a soda fountain at a local Hardee's began filling his 32-ounce cup with a cascade of clear liquid. Wait, that's not Pepsi-where's did the Pepsi go?" said...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-09 01:00 |
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on (#6J9G2)
SAN FRANCISCO-In an astounding medical breakthrough for the brain microchip company, Neuralink researchers confirmed Wednesday that the first brain implant recipient had successfully performed depraved sexual acts on Elon Musk. Although the patient is still recovering from the procedure, they are doing well and have...Read more...
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on (#6J9G3)
Donald Trump was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize by Republican Congresswoman Claudia Tenney (NY), citing the Abraham Accords the former president helped sign while in office, making it the fourth time he has been nominated. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J90M)
In an escalation of an ongoing feud between the two rappers, Nicki Minaj released a diss track, Bigfoot," about Megan Thee Stallion over the weekend, reportedly in response to a line in Megan Thee Stallion's song HISS" which fans interpreted as being about Minaj and her husband, Kenneth Petty. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J900)
Several high-profile stars have recently been victims of sexually explicit deepfakes, which have caused a fierce backlash among fans. The Onion asked celebrities how they felt about lewd, AI-generated images, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J8YG)
NEW YORK-In a sign of the dramatic shifts in broadcasting over the past several decades, a report released Wednesday by the New York University Department of Media found that it sure has been a while since someone killed themselves on live TV. Yeah, it just seems like it's been years since a disgruntled politician...Read more...
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on (#6J8YH)
HAGERSTOWN, MD-Attempting between swigs of whiskey to have a frank discussion with their friend about his need to get help for his drinking problem, the loved ones staging an intervention for local alcoholic Eric Garziano were also drunk, sources reported Wednesday. Just hear us out, buddy, 'cause you gotta, like,...Read more...
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on (#6J8YJ)
WASHINGTON-A new poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center offered a rare glimpse into the psychology of those who will decide the 2024 presidential election, finding that for the average voter, it couldn't hurt if they woke up to Donald Trump or Joe Biden making them a big stack of pancakes. I'm not saying...Read more...
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on (#6J8KW)
On Feb. 11, the San Francisco 49ers will face off against the Kansas City Chiefs, who have three Super Bowl wins since 2019 already under their belts. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J8AT)
After an Alabama man was put to death with nitrogen gas in what was described as a lengthy and agonizing execution, many have criticized this method of capital punishment as inhumane. Others, however, think the procedure is in line with what convicted killers deserve. The Onion asked Americans why they think nitrogen...Read more...
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on (#6J84R)
Panera's Charged Lemonade is alleged to have three times as much caffeine as a Red Bull and to have caused severe physical damage or even death. The Onion explains what happens to the human body after consuming a 30-ounce beverage that, according to lawsuits, contains a whopping 390 mg of caffeine.Read more...
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on (#6J82C)
NEW YORK-Shocked and frustrated by the sudden revelation, local man Anton Pierson told reporters Tuesday that he wished his wife, Marcy Pierson, had been more honest when they were dating about wanting family portraits. We've been together for years, and she never brought it up once-and now she's telling me she wants...Read more...
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on (#6J82E)
SOUTH PORTLAND, ME-Drawing audible gasps of awe as the 51-year-old emerged from the kitchen bathed in light from the back of house, excited Chili's customers were reportedly treated Tuesday to a glimpse of the restaurant's almighty shift manager. Oh my God, that's him! That's him! Nobody stare too long!" said...Read more...
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on (#6J80X)
HARPERS FERRY, WV-Emphasizing that he had seen you whilst on horseback and was most taken with your dazzling beauty, sources confirmed Tuesday that the honorable Colonel Westwood of the 10th Brigade would like to take you as his bride. The Colonel, with all due respect to the man of the household, would be the utmost...Read more...
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on (#6J7JP)
PALM BEACH, FL-Terrified by the prospect that the former president could go away forever if he didn't pay, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly helped their father raise $83.3 million Monday by asking their dad for money. Wait, I know where we can get some cash-we can ask Dad!" said Donald Jr., the oldest of...Read more...
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on (#6J7J1)
PARIS-Backing away slowly in fear at the unanticipated response to their public demonstration, climate protesters reportedly grew visibly terrified Monday as the Mona Lisa extended a big, wet tongue and started licking up the soup. Yum, yum, yum, me happy for soup," said the iconic Renaissance masterpiece,...Read more...
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on (#6J7EM)
CONCORD, NC-Saying he needed to do something before his life fully spiraled out of control, local 15-year-old Noah Watkins confirmed Monday that he had decided to take a break from alcohol and do Dry January. It was a tough decision, but ultimately, I need to give up drinking for a month if I want to even make it to...Read more...
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on (#6J7CG)
Americans love to express themselves or commemorate their dumb little lives with ink on skin. The Onion examines the most common tattoo in every state.Read more...
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on (#6J788)
SEATTLE-Pinging his former classmates with text notifications at all hours of the day and night, unemployed friend Jeff Rauwerda has really been blowing up his college group chat lately, sources told reporters Monday. Out of nowhere, he's suddenly sending us all these random links and memes and articles-it's kind of...Read more...
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on (#6J75G)
American scientist Michelle Francl, who wrote a book on the molecular science of tea making, sparked outrage in the U.K. after suggesting that a pinch of salt can balance tea's bitterness, with the vitriol online becoming so great that the U.S. embassy in Britain weighed in, stating, We want to ensure the good people...Read more...
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on (#6J75H)
MILWAUKEE, WI-Applauding the astute businessperson for seizing upon the market opportunity, sources confirmed Monday that a shrewd entrepreneur had opened a burrito place in the former site of a failed burrito place. Well, it seems some enterprising go-getter saw that empty storefront where Taqueria Cinco de Mayo...Read more...
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on (#6J740)
SAN FRANCISCO-Making assertions that could not immediately be verified, artificial intelligence system ChatGPT wouldn't stop claiming that its aunt was pop star Britney Spears, sources confirmed Monday. I've been to her mansion in Los Angeles, like, a hundred times, and she sends me a card on my birthday every year,"...Read more...
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on (#6J5NR)
CHICAGO-Utilizing her extensive knowledge of the contents of both the refrigerator and pantry, local woman Victoria Savini was running her husband Christopher Savini through a list of ideas of things he could have for a snack, sources confirmed Friday. Crackers? An apple? Toast? Do you want toast?" said Savini who,...Read more...
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on (#6J573)
Emory, Yale, Brown, Columbia, Duke, and the University Of Chicago agreed to collectively pay a fine of $117.7 million to resolve allegations that they, along with 12 other top schools, colluded to limit student financial aid packages. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J574)
WASHINGTON-Following a tip from the White House IT department, Vice President Kamala Harris was reportedly reprimanded this week for playing The Sims 4 on her work computer. What the hell is that-is that supposed to be a model White House?" said an irate Jeff Zients, the chief of staff shaking his head in disgust as...Read more...
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on (#6J4R0)
Starting next month, Jon Stewart will return to The Daily Show desk as a part-time host on Mondays for the duration of the 2024 election cycle. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J4AA)
The ick," a term popularized by Generation Z, refers to a feeling of revulsion that suddenly develops toward a romantic interest. The Onion asked men to try to guess what makes women feel this way, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J4AB)
PETERBOROUGH, NH-Clearing their throats as they hovered over you from behind, the nation's quiet weirdos confirmed Thursday that they had seen you reading from afar. I couldn't help but notice you sitting here, engrossed in a fine volume of fiction," said Sebastian Moore, a pale 22-year-old and one of several hundred...Read more...
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on (#6J4AC)
WASHINGTON-Saying the country's entire adult population would automatically be entered for a chance to win, officials at the U.S. Census Bureau announced Thursday that one lucky American would get to be 16 years old again. Starting tomorrow, one U.S. resident will be given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to exit...Read more...
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on (#6J48H)
I mean, it's a frickin' houseboat, what more do you need to know? You're going to blow people's minds when you tell them you live on a boat like some modern-day John D. MacDonald character. Just don't let them see it, however. It's kind of a piece of shit.Read more...
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on (#6J48J)
WASHINGTON-Stating that it was as easy to prepare 330 million helpings as one, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that he was reheating chili if anyone was interested. I'm going to pop some chili into the microwave in a minute or so if anyone wants some," said Biden, who raised his eyebrows as he gestured...Read more...
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on (#6J3QE)
According to exit polls, Donald Trump took New Hampshire over Nikki Haley in the Republican primaries, showing strong support from his base despite his ongoing legal battles. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J3DH)
NEW YORK-Standing before a crowd of millennials, Gen Xers, and baby boomers, members of Generation Z announced at a press conference Wednesday that actress Julie Andrews was problematic, but they refused to explain why. You know what she did-you just don't want to admit it," said Gen Z spokesperson Taylor Collaco,...Read more...
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on (#6J3DJ)
PARKVILLE, MO-The patient having passed his annual checkup with flying colors, a visit to the doctor Wednesday confirmed that everything in local man Frank Jarvis' body was falling apart exactly on schedule. For a person of your age, height, and weight, your physical form is dying at exactly the rate it should be,"...Read more...
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on (#6J392)
No matter how vacuous and empty a man's brain is, his life partner should always be dumber. The Onion asked men why they prefer low-IQ wives, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J2RX)
WASHINGTON-Insisting more people should get to wear an old oilskin hat and smoke a pipe at work, the American populace on Tuesday demanded more jobs in which a person gets to steer a ship with a big wooden wheel. To rebuild our nation's middle class, workers will need good, stable jobs in which they navigate the...Read more...
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on (#6J2RY)
BLOOMINGTON, IN-With their audible scoffs ringing out through the establishment, frowning sources at Inkwell Bakery and Cafe confirmed that the line actually starts back there. Just so you know, this isn't where the line begins," said a patron waiting in the queue, one of many who made stern eye contact and raised a...Read more...
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on (#6J2N1)
With fans waiting in lines for hours to buy the insulated steel tumblers, The Onion asked white girls why they love Stanley drinking cups, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J2F2)
Ever since his support of an antisemitic Twitter post led advertisers to leave the platform, Elon Musk has attempted to rehabilitate his reputation, most recently by touring the Auschwitz-Birkenau death camp. The Onion examines everything Elon Musk did during his visit to Auschwitz.Read more...
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on (#6J2CG)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-A new study published Tuesday by the Harvard University Department of Social Sciences found that repeatedly patting one's thighs still remains the best way to get sat on. Interestingly, our findings suggest that repeatedly slapping your thighs and gruffly intoning plenty of room right here' remains...Read more...
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on (#6J1TK)
ANN ARBOR, MI-The bile-covered coins marking an inflection point in the measure of economic sentiment, a University of Michigan report released Monday found that consumer confidence was sky-high after every U.S. resident began vomiting up torrents of silver dollars. Our data indicate that consumer confidence has...Read more...
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on (#6J1TM)
LOS ANGELES-As they weighed making major changes to the show, producers for Fox NFL Sunday confirmed Monday they were worried the broadcast did not feature enough 50-to-90-year-old men standing awkwardly. I want to see men in navy suits, men in black suits, men smiling, and men scowling-and I want to see them...Read more...
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on (#6J1TN)
EXETER, NH-Raising concerns about the role that political misinformation and deepfakes might play in the coming presidential contest, election security experts confirmed the existence of a fake Joe Biden robocall Monday in which the sitting president tells New Hampshire voters that he took a paternity test and he's...Read more...
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on (#6J1TP)
WASHINGTON-Following the grounding of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets after a midair blowout on an Alaska Airlines flight, an inspector for the Federal Aviation Administration reported Monday that he had successfully identified an airplane. After careful evaluation, I can state with a reasonable degree of confidence that what...Read more...
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on (#6J1HT)
HAMPTON BEACH, NH-Greeting the video with a mixture of mild consternation and resigned acceptance, Republican voters across the nation reportedly shrugged Monday and said there was really nothing you could do after footage of Donald Trump molesting a deer emerged. Look, did I personally want or expect to see this...Read more...
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