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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 21:35 |
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on (#6N0RM)
PALM BEACH, FL-Nervously standing on the porch with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder, Barron Trump reportedly showed up on former President Donald Trump's doorstep Thursday claiming to be his son. Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you, but I believe you might be my father," said the younger Trump, who explained...Read more...
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on (#6N0PK)
ROCHESTER, MN-Aiming to equip her straight female students with the knowledge and skills necessary to develop healthy sexual relationships, local sex ed teacher Gina Reynaldo spent Thursday's class demonstrating how to look interested as a guy explains in excruciating detail why Ultimate Frisbee should be an Olympic...Read more...
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on (#6N0A9)
Elvis Presley's granddaughter Riley Keough, who owns the Graceland estate, successfully blocked the auction of Elvis's former home by the company Naussany Investments, which may have fraudulently initiated the foreclosure by claiming that Lisa Marie Presley used Graceland as collateral for a loan. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N04N)
TOLEDO, OH-Emphasizing that of all the options this was by far the cheapest, local vet James Easton charged a customer $6,000 Wednesday to hand over a gun and say, You know what you have to do." I'm sorry about your dog, but this will be the easiest, fastest, and most painless way to get the job done," said Easton...Read more...
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on (#6N04P)
JoJo Siwa, a singer, dancer, and social media personality who rose to fame for her kid-focused music and partnership with Nickelodeon, has recently tried to break away from her family-friendly past and debut a more adult persona now that she is 21. But there have been growing pains associated with her new bad girl"...Read more...
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on (#6N00K)
THE HEAVENS-In an effort to determine the efficacy of a divine law that may one day join those in His current Decalogue, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Wednesday that He was testing out a potential new commandment on mice. The phase 1 trial of this latest 11th-commandment candidate will be carried...Read more...
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on (#6N00J)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Slowly pushing down the bedroom door handle in an attempt to enter without waking his wife, Jennifer Lopez, a disheveled-looking Ben Affleck reportedly sneaked in at dawn Wednesday reeking of coffee after he spent all night at a 24-hour Dunkin' location. And just where the hell have you been-oh, let...Read more...
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on (#6MZTM)
Microsoft revealed an updated version of their AI assistant Copilot, which will use generative technology to remember everything users do on their PCs and suggest things you might like to do next. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MZTN)
Your wife said you were crazy, but who's laughing now that you're the only one in the family left and can live the rest of your life underground eating cans of expired beans?Read more...
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on (#6MZDN)
After a press conference for his upcoming fight with Mike Tyson, Jake Paul posted a video to Instagram showing turbulence in his private jet and claiming that it had been struck by lightning. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MZAV)
FREDONIA, AZ-In an effort to provide easier ungulate access throughout the grounds of the popular natural attraction, Grand Canyon National Park announced Friday the installation of new mule vending machines. These five-story-tall vending machines are fully automated, providing parkgoers with year-round, 24-hour...Read more...
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on (#6MYYX)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing that you would be doing him a real solid," local man Josh Gurney, your friend on the opposite side of town, told you Tuesday that he needed you to move his car three times a day for the next six weeks. Hey, if it's not too much trouble, would you be available to move my car once every...Read more...
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on (#6MYYY)
NEW YORK-Responding to widespread pro-Palestinian demonstrations taking place at colleges across the country, CEO Ron Burgess issued a warning Tuesday that no student involved in the protests would ever be hired at Genocide Inc. Given the lack of decency they have shown, Genocide Inc. has decided it will not be...Read more...
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on (#6MYWR)
SAN DIEGO-Expressing frustration that her feelings of anger and hurt were not being validated, local woman Rory Schaffer confirmed Tuesday that she did not appreciate being told by a reggae song to chill out. This music keeps saying I should simmer down and that every little thing's gonna be all right, but that's not...Read more...
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on (#6MYCE)
ORLANDO, FL-Calling the campaign a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that would leave customers satisfied and go easy on their wallets," bankrupt restaurant chain Red Lobster launched a $19.99 all-you-can-grab copper wiring promotion Monday at all of its locations. Today, we're rolling out an incredible deal for anyone...Read more...
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on (#6MY71)
MILLEDGEVILLE, GA-Questioning the practicality of the method of egress from their years-long resting spot, frustrated cicadas told reporters Monday that they had assumed there would be more than a single hole for a trillion insects to emerge from. Seriously, no one thought to dig a second exit when a trillion of...Read more...
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on (#6MY2C)
West Virginia Secretary of State candidate Doug Skaff was hospitalized last week after being bitten by a copperhead snake while taking down his election signs along Route 119. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MY1J)
One continuous hallway stretching on forever. No doors. You cannot escape, but you also cannot die. $350,000. Bad credit-okay!!!Read more...
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on (#6MY0V)
MEDFORD, MA-In an effort to glean valuable knowledge about opportunities after graduating, Tufts University sophomore Connor Gilman reportedly emailed 32-year-old Peter Neilan on Monday to ask about his experience being a total loser who has accomplished nothing in life. Dear Mr. Neilan, I retrieved your contact...Read more...
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on (#6MY0W)
BALTIMORE-Offering a glimpse into a future that seemed straight out of a science-fiction film, fertility researchers at Johns Hopkins University told reporters Monday that scientific advances could one day allow parents to choose the name of their child. Imagine a world where prospective parents can walk into a...Read more...
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on (#6MWTP)
After 34 years, the iconic Mirage Hotel and Casino on the Las Vegas strip will close its doors after it was bought by Hard Rock Las Vegas, which will completely renovate the building, removing its tropical theme and volcano attraction. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MWTD)
Diversity, equity and inclusion, or DEI, programs have been under attack by conservatives who think that their efforts to assist historically marginalized groups come at the expense of the majority. However, there is substantial misinformation circulating about what DEI programs are meant to do. The Onion breaks down...Read more...
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on (#6MWDT)
NEWTON, MA-Recoiling at the sight of the waterlogged creature's bloated remains, local dad Jeffrey Hanford reportedly removed his home's pool cover for the season Friday and gagged after finding a dead mermaid in there. Oh God, it must have found its way in and not been able to get back out-I wondered why it smelled...Read more...
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on (#6MWDV)
Judge Judy" Sheindlin sued Accelerate360 Media, the parent company of the National Enquirer and InTouch Weekly, for a story ran in both publications falsely claiming that she was helping the Menendez brothers secure a retrial for their 1989 murder conviction. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MVZZ)
A district in Virginia recently reversed its decision to change two schools' names, reinstating their previous Confederate names on the grounds that it had been a hastily made decision in reaction to the Black Lives Matter movement. The Onion weighs the pros and cons for any schools considering a similar rebranding.Read more...
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on (#6MVGR)
BOCA CHICA, TX-Accusing the billionaire tech mogul of dragging down property values, neighbors of Elon Musk told reporters Thursday they were fed up with his eyesore yard covered in broken-down Cybertrucks. I don't know if the guy who lives there is sick or has fallen on hard times or what, but I'm sorry-that yard...Read more...
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on (#6MV1J)
An art installation called the Portal, which allows people in New York City and Dublin to watch and interact with each other in a continuous live stream, has been temporarily shut down to address problems with inappropriate behavior, as visitors have taken to flashing body parts and curse words. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MTJ0)
PARIS-Calling its latest piece a must-have for anyone with a discerning eye" who is preparing to undergo bariatric surgery, the prestigious jewelry firm Cartier introduced a new diamond-encrusted gastric lap-band Friday retailing for $97,000. The Maison Cartier is pleased to introduce a high-end implanted medical...Read more...
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on (#6MTHH)
CHARLOTTE, NC-Offering its customers a way to commemorate their consumption of a healthy and fiber-rich meal, fruit and vegetable producer Dole announced Wednesday that its salad kits now included a framed certificate confirming the bearer of the document had eaten a salad. By executive order of the Salad Institute...Read more...
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on (#6MTHJ)
There's a deadline for love, and some people just miss it, you know? Shhh, it's okay. Don't cry now.Read more...
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on (#6MT19)
Keith Gill, better known by his online persona Roaring Kitty, posted for the first time in three years since instigating the 2021 GameStop short squeeze, once again causing that company and other meme stocks such as AMC to jump as much as 60% this week before trading was halted for volatility. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MSXZ)
THE CASTLE OF ISIDORE-Scolding the associate magister for his inappropriate use of guild resources, the High Council at Calazar Keep reportedly reprimanded wizard Ashkahol the Geomancer for watching porn on his work orb Tuesday. We've told Ashkahol repeatedly that we're trying to maintain a professional sorcery...Read more...
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on (#6MSJP)
FORT COLLINS, CO-As part of its mission to encourage learning through free expression in a natural environment, teachers at local progressive preschool Sunshine Montessori Learning Center confirmed Tuesday they had abandoned their students in the woods. Four-year-olds are natural learners, so we don't want to...Read more...
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on (#6MSJ3)
After years of serving in some of the highest positions of the U.S. government, Rudy Giuliani has had an unprecedented fall from grace, forcing him to file for bankruptcy last year. Here's an inside look at how the once-beloved mayor of New York City now spends his days.
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on (#6MS1S)
NEW YORK-Mumbling Oh, come on" as his ingot was rejected again, Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) was repeatedly trying to jam a gold bar into a vending machine at a federal courthouse in Manhattan, sources confirmed Monday. Stupid slot, why won't you take my money?" said the 70-year-old disgraced lawmaker, who kicked the...Read more...
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on (#6MRYE)
NEW YORK-During a brief recess from his ex-attorney's testimony regarding hush money payments made shortly before the 2016 election, former President Donald Trump reflexively cornered Michael Cohen and asked him for help silencing Michael Cohen, courtroom sources confirmed Monday. Listen, Michael, this guy Cohen...Read more...
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