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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 21:35 |
on (#6HZZZ)
A Justice Department report on the police response to the May 24, 2022 mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, TX identified cascading failures" in the department's actions, including waiting too long to confront the gunman, failure to establish a command post, and giving inaccurate information to...Read more...
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on (#6HZXH)
CUPERTINO, CA-Providing a groundbreaking virtual experience that makes users feel like they aren't stupid and lame, Apple revealed a new Vision Pro app Friday that features the wearer's friends and family telling them they look really cool and normal in the VR headset. Today we push the boundaries in immersive VR...Read more...
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on (#6HZXJ)
HONOLULU-Determined to offset any bias that might cause them to be overlooked on the basis of their stature, the nation's short guys held a press conference Friday in which they announced plans to dress real snazzy.
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on (#6HZT9)
SACRAMENTO, CA-As an otherworldly glow emanated from the California governor's meticulously sculpted coiffure, sources confirmed Friday that the pulsating hair product on Gavin Newsom's head had taken control of his thoughts. There will be no bills signed, no presidential campaign-there will only be hair," said the...Read more...
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on (#6HZQ1)
Former President Trump recently said immigrants were poisoning the blood" of America, words that closely mirror the language Adolph Hitler used during his campaign to exterminate the Jews. The Onion asked Republicans how they felt about Trump's inflammatory comments, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HZM1)
Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz recently claimed that the MAGA movement was replacing Karens" with a more diverse base. The Onion asked Republicans to explain why they don't need women voters, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HZM2)
WASHINGTON-Frustrated by the lengths to which she had to go to enjoy a night out with friends, local woman Signa Ivarsen confirmed Friday she always wore an enchanted ring when she went to bars in order to avoid revealing to men she was actually a 750-year-old crone. All I have to do is slip this onto my left hand,...Read more...
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on (#6HZJG)
CHICAGO-Leading the children along their safety rope as if the slightest misstep could result in death or disaster, pre-K teacher Gretchen Silverstone reportedly dragged along a group of 4-year-olds Friday like a prison warden leading a chain gang through the Mojave Desert. According to reports, the 33-year-old...Read more...
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on (#6HZHZ)
Kate Middleton, the Princess of Wales, will be hospitalized for two weeks following an abdominal surgery for an undisclosed medical condition and will not return to her royal duties till after Easter. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HZGD)
HONOLULU-Determined to offset any bias that might cause them to be overlooked on the basis of their stature, the nation's short guys held a press conference Friday in which they announced plans to dress real snazzy. We're definitely breaking out the two-toned wingtips, and who knows, we might even throw a fedora on...Read more...
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on (#6HZ2K)
UVALDE, TX-Nearly two years after the tragic mass shooting left 19 children and two teachers dead, a Justice Department report released Thursday found Uvalde police waited nearly 77 minutes to enter Robb Elementary School as they debated the many reasons gunshots could be going off in a classroom. Our findings...Read more...
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on (#6HZ2M)
Former California governor and actor Arnold Schwarzenegger was detained attempting to leave Germany without declaring a luxury watch he acquired there, E.U. law stating any valuables must be declared and taxes paid before one can leave their member countries. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HZ2N)
NEW YORK-Having scoffed in astonishment as they picked up the produce and examined it, Italian immigrants shopping in U.S. grocery stores issued a statement Thursday claiming these tomatoes, they no good.Read more...
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on (#6HYN4)
NEW YORK-Having scoffed in astonishment as they picked up the produce and examined it, Italian immigrants shopping in U.S. grocery stores issued a statement Thursday claiming these tomatoes, they no good. A tomato supposed to be red-what this supposed to be?" said Gianfranco Padovani, who arrived in the United States...Read more...
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on (#6HYN6)
RACINE, WI-Saying he couldn't wait to pop the question to the love of his life, local man Joseph Lefferts told reporters Thursday he had been keeping an engagement ring in his pocket and waiting for the right moment to be publicly humiliated. Since buying a ring, I've been trying to figure out the best time to get...Read more...
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on (#6HYJJ)
MINNEAPOLIS-Showing how the method provided the basis for developments as diverse as the light bulb and the quantum computer, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Minnesota found that the majority of innovations involved hot-gluing one thing onto another thing. A comprehensive analysis of...Read more...
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on (#6HYJK)
Madison Marsh, a Harvard graduate and 2nd lieutenant in the Air Force who was crowned Miss Colorado in May, was named 2024's Miss America, becoming the first member of the military to win the title. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HYJM)
In a world where the right endorsement can make or break a presidential candidate, there is one opinion that matters most of all: that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Onion asked Americans who they believed Jesus would vote for, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HY1R)
Former President Donald Trump won the Iowa Republican Caucus on Monday with 51% of the vote, beating out challengers Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) and Nikki Haley. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HXXZ)
PHILADELPHIA-Impressing all with their financial savvy, local engaged couple Michelle Zwicker and Peter Elliott reportedly saved thousands of dollars on their wedding by booking their venue for 3 a.m. on a Wednesday.Read more...
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on (#6HXTJ)
PHILADELPHIA-Impressing all with their financial savvy, local engaged couple Michelle Zwicker and Peter Elliott reportedly saved thousands of dollars on their wedding by booking their venue for 3 a.m. on a Wednesday. At first, I wasn't sure if the venue would let me book it for a single hour in the middle of the...Read more...
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on (#6HXNQ)
COLUMBUS, OH-Stressing that she felt almost entirely numb as she entered her fourth hour of viewership, local kindergartner Amelia Sanders told reporters Wednesday that she needed increasingly intense YouTube videos of a Latvian woman playing with Barbies just to feel anything. God, all it used to take was some...Read more...
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on (#6HXNR)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-With its legislature passing a resolution that cited the rich and significant history of the reproductive organ, Florida named the penis its official state genital on Wednesday. It fills me with great pleasure to sign this legislation recognizing the profound influence of the human penis on the...Read more...
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on (#6HXNS)
Pope Francis recently called surrogacy deplorable" and a grave violation" that exploits the birth mother and the unborn child. The Onion asked Catholics why they opposed surrogacy, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HXKB)
An X post showing a hole in the sidewalk of West Roscoe Street in Chicago in the precise shape of a rat where it fell in wet concrete went viral last week, turning the spot into an overnight tourist destination, with hundreds showing up to snap a picture, toss a penny for luck, or pour out a shot of Malort in...Read more...
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on (#6HXKC)
ARLINGTON, TX-Easing back into shape after a long offseason, frail, emaciated Major League Baseball players confirmed Wednesday that they were still a few weeks away from regaining the strength necessary to lift a single baseball. It's going to take a lot of work, but we should be able to pick up the ball without...Read more...
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on (#6HXKD)
VALPARAISO, IN-Frowning and reaching for her reading glasses so she could see better, local mother Justine Artese was reportedly asking her phone Wednesday what that one thing was called. Alexis [sic], tell me, what is the thing?" said Artese, who was seen in her quest for knowledge holding down the volume button on...Read more...
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on (#6HX65)
According to a poll from the Angus Reid Institute, two thirds of Canadians surveyed said they don't think democracy will withstand another presidential term with Donald Trump in the White House, with 49% of respondents also saying that the U.S. is on the way to becoming an authoritarian state. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HWZN)
LOS ANGELES-With the hopes of learning more about the reclusive and oft-unseen individuals, 3.1 million viewers reportedly watched the 75th Emmy Awards to catch a rare glimpse of TV actors. What's fascinating is that you get this peek at these deeply private people who emerge to be seen in public for just one...Read more...
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on (#6HWZP)
DES MOINES, IA-After she was awakened by a number of strange sounds emanating from the house, local parents Peter and Margaret Lohan reportedly assured their frightened 7-year-old on Tuesday that the creaking noises from her bedroom walls were probably just signs the house was getting hungry. Don't worry, honey-those...Read more...
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on (#6HWSN)
GAINESVILLE, FL-Noting how advanced their depression was from an early age, a study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Florida found that children of divorce are better prepared for life's relentless misery.Read more...
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on (#6HWQ3)
Yellowstone, a show that has become mandatory viewing for white males over 50, follows cattle rancher Jon Dutton as he navigates the struggles of owning and operating Yellowstone Dutton Ranch. If you know someone who watches the wildly popular TV series, here are things you should never say to them.Read more...
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on (#6HWQ5)
GAINESVILLE, FL-Noting how advanced their depression was from an early age, a study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Florida found that children of divorce are better prepared for life's relentless misery. Our findings indicate that when kids are raised by divorced parents, they develop a...Read more...
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on (#6HWN9)
GALENA, IL-Saying that she didn't want to wait until she graduated high school to give her 6-month-old a baby brother or sister, local teen mom Lacey Reed told reporters Tuesday that she wanted another one. I know I'm still just in my junior year, but pretty soon I'd like to try for number two," said the 16-year-old,...Read more...
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on (#6HWNA)
WASHINGTON-Faced with a growing appetite and a dwindling amount of time, the nation settled for sandwiches from Jimmy John's on Tuesday, according to sources. Look, they're cheap and they're open, so let's just order, okay?" Will Rhinehart of Terre Haute, IN said to his family, who were among the 335 million...Read more...
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on (#6HWNB)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to dupe others into believing she was in her office working rigorously at all hours of the day, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly rigged up a dummy Tuesday to look as if it were typing anytime someone cracked the office door. According to White House sources, whenever the door was opened...Read more...
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on (#6HW07)
Findings from a project comparing modern DNA with samples from ancient human teeth and bones allowed scientists to find disease-linked genes following prehistoric migrations, tracing a path back to the Bronze Age Yamnaya people who probably carried the genetic mutation to protect the nomadic herders from infections...Read more...
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on (#6HW08)
Look, we're not perverts. This is a real thing that members of Gen Z are doing. The Onion asked people in their late teens and 20s why they are resetting" their virginity, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HW09)
Look, we're not perverts. This is a real thing that members of Gen Z are doing. The Onion asked people in their late teens and 20s why they are resetting" their virginity, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HW0A)
GENEVA, IL-Thanking her two children profusely for the lovely and thoughtful gift, local mom Tammy Idles immediately used a birthday present Monday to make her husband a meal. So, who wants to try out my new air fryer?" said Idles, who within 60 seconds of unwrapping the box had already plugged the device into the...Read more...
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on (#6HW0B)
DES MOINES, IA-In a last-ditch effort to increase turnout for the crucial first-in-the-nation presidential contest, candidate Ron DeSantis reportedly went door-to-door Monday to beg his own campaign staff to vote for him. Hey there, ma'am, sorry to bother you, but could I take just a bit of your time to talk...Read more...
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on (#6HVX8)
BOSTON-Praising the 43-year-old's lengthy record of misconduct and exploitation, local nursing home Sunrise Living reportedly hired manager Carl Strasberg Monday after discovering he had two decades of elder abuse experience. Once we saw how Mr. Strasberg's sheer negligence helped increase accidental death...Read more...
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on (#6HW0C)
GLEN ELLYN, IL-Gesturing excitedly at the screen while the ambivalent canine lay beside him, local man John Eggert urged his dog Monday to pay attention while a dog was on TV. Look, look, Pickles-that dog looks just like you," Eggert said to his 6-year-old dachshund mix, who, despite her owner waking her up, turning...Read more...
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