The Onion

LOS ANGELES—After struggling to keep up with the changing times, actress Meryl Streep was reportedly dropped by her agent this week over her failure to cultivate a massive TikTok following. “We’ve had a great time working with Meryl over the years, but unfortunately, her TikTok numbers just aren’t where they’d need to…Read more...

CLEMSON, SC—Kicking himself for not buying more than a single pint, local man Billy Crenshaw was reportedly disappointed Monday that he had reached the bottom of the ice cream carton right when he was hitting his stride. “Oh man, I was in the fucking zone!” said Crenshaw, adding that he had just started feeling “good…Read more...

WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration found that more than 10,000 pedestrians are struck every year by drivers rushing to beat the cut-off time for the McDonald’s breakfast menu. “Our estimates show that once every 15 minutes in the U.S., a pedestrian will be…Read more...

If America is going to be a Christian nation, you sure as hell better get the day off. Here’s what to tell your boss if they ask you to work on Christmas day.Read more...

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LAS VEGAS—Discussing what was riding on the team’s upcoming contest against the Las Vegas Raiders, New England Patriots quarterback Mac Jones reportedly called the game a “must win” after head coach Bill Belichick showed him pictures of Jones’ family sleeping. “Right now, we’re on the cusp of the playoffs, and we…Read more...

MILFORD, CT—Rolling out the new mental health initiative at locations nationwide, fast food chain Subway announced this week that it had implemented a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold for anyone thinking of ordering a sandwich from one of its restaurants. “For their own safety and the safety of those around them,…Read more...

HOBOKEN, NJ—Saying she wanted one within arm’s reach in case of an emergency, local single woman Frances Higgins told reporters Friday that she just felt safer keeping a loaded baked potato in her nightstand. “God forbid I ever have to use it, but I feel better knowing it’s there,” said the 36-year-old woman, who…Read more...

As the culture wars continue to escalate, many have cast the “woke mind virus” as public enemy No. 1. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how woke culture is destroying America, and this is what they said.Read more...

Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 15 games.Read more...

AMARILLO, TX—Opening his suitcase to reveal a glowing bounty of illegally smuggled lotions, pills, and inhalers, local uncle Steve Palazzo told relatives Thursday he’d found the “score of the century” after he returned from a trip abroad with a treasure trove of prescription medicines. The uninsured 49-year-old, who…Read more...

President Biden has signed into law the Respect for Marriage Act, mandating federal protections to same-sex and interracial couples, amid fears that the conservative Supreme Court might revisit the right to same-sex marriage after it rescinded the right to an abortion. What do you think?Read more...

A recent Keystone Pipeline failure in northeastern Kansas has been contained after an estimated 14,000 barrels of crude oil spilled in a natural waterway, making it the largest spill in the pipeline’s history. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—The American people have reportedly forgiven Harvey Weinstein Wednesday after discovering the disgraced mogul has gotten really good at football. “I don’t condone what Harvey did, but man, that guy can run like a demon,” said 38-year-old homemaker Sara Reese, who represented just one of the nation’s 330…Read more...

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Attributing the move to unspecified supply chain issues, Johnson & Johnson reportedly raised the price of Band-Aids Wednesday to $100,000 apiece. “Beginning next year, an individual, standard-size Band-Aid will cost $100,000, while the price will be higher for larger adhesives and those with cartoon…Read more...

Arizona Gov. Doug Doucey is erecting an illegal border wall of double-stacked shipping containers along parts of the U.S.–Mexico border, which runs through federal and tribal land, as a final act before he leaves office in January. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Following a traumatizing incident on stage at a recent Dave Chappelle show, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk reportedly underwent surgery Tuesday to receive an experimental Neuralink brain implant, an attempt to delete the painful memory of being booed by a crowd of 18,000 people. “I don’t want to think about…Read more...

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HUDSON, NY—In a lesson intended to help her class understand the crucial feature of ecology, elementary school teacher Dina Schultz reportedly instructed her students Tuesday on the part of the water cycle where water becomes the property of the Nestlé corporation. “After condensation and precipitation, the water…Read more...

CHICAGO—Warning that many needy families could be left without team paraphernalia during the winter sports season, a local cold-weather clothing drive put out an urgent request Tuesday for more foam fingers. “We’ve all seen people—and too often they are children—sitting in the stands at sporting events without a fun,…Read more...

Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema recently switched party affiliations and registered as an Independent. The Onion asked U.S. senators what they thought of the move, and here’s what they said.Read more...

Supervisors in San Francisco have backtracked on a decision to give city police the ability to use robots as deadly force against a suspect, after public outcry that it would lead to the further militarization of a police force already too aggressive with poor and minority communities. What do you think?Read more...

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Phoenix Mercury center and WNBA All-Star Brittney Griner has been released from a Russian penal colony and is in United States custody after a prisoner exchange for arms dealer Viktor Bout. What do you think?Read more...

Here are the most dramatic, crazy, and unexpected ways that celebrities have announced they have a baby currently living inside them.Read more...

GREENWICH, CT—Bursting into shouts of opposition as an attorney read aloud her will, members of the local Douvry family were reportedly scandalized Friday upon discovering their recently deceased grandmother, Harriet Douvry, had left her hot, young caretaker her cherished apple cobbler recipe. “This is obscene!…Read more...

Donald Trump’s real estate company has been found guilty on all 17 charges of tax fraud and other crimes related to a 15-year-long criminal scheme to defraud tax authorities. What do you think?Read more...

WNBA star Brittney Griner, who had been imprisoned for months in Russia for transporting cannabis vape cartridges, was released in a prisoner swap. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the basketball player securing her freedom and returning home.Read more...

Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 14 games.Read more...

Today, reporters and editors of The New York Times began a one-day strike, as negotiations between their union and management failed to reach an agreement. Here at America’s Finest News Source, we are committed to supporting our fellow journalists, and so The Onion has boldly and inadvertently locked ourselves out of…Read more...

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Criticizing the outdated attitudes and policies of the most powerful branch of the armed services, a progressive citizen in the year 2180 vehemently argued against gender discrimination in the conscription practices of Nabisco’s corporate military. “It’s disgusting that when Nabisco seizes children…Read more...

Indonesia’s parliament has approved a new criminal code that bans anyone in the country from having extramarital sex, including tourists while visiting, with the law carrying a one-year jail term. What do you think?Read more...

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Northeastern University in Boston faces criticism after students discovered heat-monitoring devices installed under their desks to secretly track desk usage without students’ knowledge or consent. What do you think?Read more...

PALM BEACH, FL—Calling into question whether he had the junk in the trunk necessary to lead the country, Donald Trump reportedly slammed President Joe Biden Wednesday as America’s most flat-assed president. “You won’t hear the media reporting on it, but it’s a total pancake,” said the former president, who lambasted…Read more...

DALLAS—Following revelations of his appearance in a 1957 photograph among a mob of white students trying to block a Black student from entering an Arkansas high school, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones blasted the media Monday for trying to make segregation look bad. “This is a classic media smear job trying to demean…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Following a long day of conferences on potential rule changes and other league business, MLB owners reportedly held a separate meeting Monday for teams actually trying to win next season. “It’s a small group, but it’s nice to get together for a more intimate conversation among the teams that are actually…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Telling reporters the procedure could be available to the general public by the end of 2023, Elon Musk announced plans Monday to implant a Tesla inside a human brain in the next six months. “I am proud to share today just how much closer we are to the next step in the evolution of our species: having a…Read more...

FORT MYERS, FL—Catering to a niche community of singles looking for love, a new dating app for the over-50 crowd launched Monday that lets users filter matches solely on whether they’d stay if you got Parkinson’s disease. “ParkinsMatch makes it easier for aging singles to find ‘the one’ who won’t abandon them if they…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Raising fears that the yuletide would not be made gay, New York Mayor Eric Adams reportedly institutionalized the real Santa Claus on Monday, leaving the fate of Christmas uncertain. Under the new directive from the mayor’s office, Father Christmas was seized by New York City police officers, who noted in…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Praising the last-minute agreement to deny the laborers any sort of civility or respect, President Joe Biden signed legislation Friday to avert a crisis in which rail workers might have been treated like actual human beings. “We were only a week away from a nationwide catastrophe in which we would have been…Read more...

New York City mayor Eric Adams directed police and emergency medical workers to take individuals who appear “mentally ill” into custody involuntarily for psychiatric evaluations. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to the rapper’s recent antisemitic comments during his appearance on conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ Infowars show, head-covering company Full-Faced Black Hood™ announced Friday it had ended its partnership with Ye, formerly known as Kanye West. “We have taken the decision to terminate Ye’s…Read more...