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on (#6EVC4)
Over the past year, child poverty jumped from 5.2% to a staggering 12.4%, which many attribute to Congress's failure to renew the enhanced child tax credit. The Onion asked politicians why they support child poverty, and this is what they said.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-08 05:46 |
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on (#6EVC5)
Seventy-eight-year-old Utah Republican Sen. Mitt Romney, who ran for president in 2012, will not be running for reelection when his Senate term ends in January 2025, saying the country needs a new generation of leaders. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EVAK)
TORONTO-Waxing poetic about shifting gender roles in contemporary society, professor and broadcaster Jordan Peterson took to his podcast Monday to rant about the state of emasculated" scarecrows who have become covered in birds. The ongoing war on masculinity has spread beyond our cities to more rural areas, where...Read more...
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on (#6ESM7)
WASHINGTON-Crouching down with a large magnifying glass to his eye, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy reportedly exclaimed, A clue!" Friday after finding footprints on the House floor matching President Joe Biden's shoes. I say, this footprint appears to be identical to the ones found in the Oval Office, leading me to...Read more...
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on (#6ESM8)
LOS ANGELES-In a controversial move earning him the ire of the Writers Guild of America, television host Bill Maher confirmed this week that he would cross picket lines to put his show Real Time back on the air, citing concerns his aging fan base would die off before the writers' strike ended. Look, the fact is, we...Read more...
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on (#6ESM9)
NEW YORK-In an effort to increase traffic and engagement by inserting mentions of the famous singer, disillusioned journalist Marcus Pruitt begrudgingly added a Taylor Swift reference to an article about the flood in Libya. The death toll of the tragic flooding that swept through northeastern Libya currently numbers...Read more...
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on (#6ESB1)
Despite Kevin McCarthy's attempts to placate the far-right flank of his party, relations are strained between the House speaker and GOP hard-liners. The Onion asked Republicans to explain why McCarthy must be ousted from his leadership role, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6ESB2)
NEW YORK-Claiming that she would own this choice," actor, producer, and talk show host Drew Barrymore announced the opening of her new General Motors assembly plant Thursday amid the impending autoworkers strike. While I know it's not what everyone wants, this factory is bigger than just me, so we will immediately...Read more...
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on (#6ESB3)
DESTIN, FL-Reaching up to the tower to palm him the banknote, local woman Danielle Haugh reportedly slipped a lifeguard $20 Friday to let her drown. I might go under and not want to come back up, okay?" said Haugh, who pressed the bill into the 17-year-old lifeguard's hand and winked, hoping she was effectively...Read more...
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on (#6ESB4)
NEW YORK-In the wake of an Achilles tear that ended the quarterback's first season with the New York Jets, a resilient Aaron Rodgers vowed Friday to return more detached from reality than ever. I'm deeply humbled by all the support from the Jets faithful that I've received, and it's my promise that I'll be back by...Read more...
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on (#6ES8R)
MINONG, WI-Saying the product was only for those truly serious about feeding their wild side, beef snack purveyor Jack Link's announced Friday it had begun selling a new, extra-tough barbed jerky, reportedly its most indigestible processed meat offering to date. Loaded with meat spikes, our latest jerky is now...Read more...
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on (#6ES8S)
VAN BUREN, MO-Blissfully going about their days thinking they would be adequately provided for in the event of an environment-destroying emergency, Dodson family members were reportedly unaware that their father's fallout bunker only has enough supplies for one survivor. Sources confirmed that no one besides Philip...Read more...
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on (#6ERZA)
NEW YORK-As part of an effort to take a more public approach to addressing an issue that has plagued the league in recent years, the NFL introduced touching flyover tributes this week for all veterans of domestic violence. We know that our fans and the rest of the NFL community look to us for leadership, and we...Read more...
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on (#6ERTP)
Republican lawmaker Lauren Boebert was escorted out of a theater in Denver during a performance of the musical Beetlejuice after complaints of vaping, singing, and causing a disturbance. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6ERQF)
ORLANDO, FL-Claiming that the woke left had once again stripped one of his favorite characters of their sexuality, local conservative pundit James Hughes posted an online rant Thursday complaining that they made her way less hot" while looking at a photo of his mom. It's disgusting, for years she was this gorgeous,...Read more...
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on (#6ERQG)
PLAINS, GA-Saying they had no way of knowing where these crazy lives of theirs would take them, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly made a pact Thursday with Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) in which the pair agreed that if they were both single in 50 years, they would marry each other. Look, I know we've had our...Read more...
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on (#6ERM6)
COLLEGEVILLE, PA-Finding himself all alone in the maximum-security Pennsylvania facility, convicted murderer Danelo Cavalcante reportedly returned to an empty prison Thursday after everyone else had escaped. Hello?" said Calvacante, whose voice echoed off the concrete walls as he wandered through the 3,830-bed prison...Read more...
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on (#6ERQH)
Elon Musk's company Neuralink confirmed that dozens of its primate test subjects died after having medical devices implanted in their brains. The Onion asked Neuralink monkeys what it's like working with the billionaire tech genius, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6ER9W)
DEERFIELD, IL-Taking several deep breaths before lifting the triple-meat sub up into the air, local man James Randolf requested a spotter Thursday for a particularly messy sandwich. Hey, buddy, can you give me a hand over here- this thing is pretty heavy," said a sweat-drenched Randolf, who heaved, shook, and moaned...Read more...
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on (#6ER7F)
PLATTSMOUTH, NE-Recoiling in shock after he opened a drawer and spotted the odd-looking implement, disgusted local teen Aiden Moore reported Thursday that he had stumbled upon a crazy sex toy belonging to his parents. Oh my God, this is way too freaky-what hole are they even putting this into?" said Moore, 15, who...Read more...
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on (#6EQ7K)
WINNFIELD, LA-Reflecting that the experience taught him more about what it is to be alive than he had ever thought possible, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Anthony Sanford told reporters Wednesday that torturing detained migrants had left him moved by the resiliency of the human spirit. No matter how bad...Read more...
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on (#6EPF6)
ROCHESTER HILLS, MI-Peering out her kitchen window with concern after noticing the pedestrian across the street, suspicious resident Barbara Hill reportedly told her husband Tuesday that she didn't recall ever seeing that Black man on this planet before. Hon, I don't want to be overly nosy, but I just don't...Read more...
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on (#6EPAX)
CHICAGO-Deriding the man's views on criminal rehabilitation as hopelessly idealistic, sources reported Tuesday that local prison abolitionist Aaron Eichinger must want rapists to just freely frolic in a field around a maypole. According to your position, if someone commits violent sexual assault, then we let them put...Read more...
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on (#6EP4B)
CLEVELAND-Rushing into action mere moments before the situation reached a point of no return, heroic police officer Samuel Esposito reportedly talked a man down Tuesday from the edge of climaxing. Sir, before you do something drastic that we all regret, I'm asking you put down your penis and step away from the...Read more...
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on (#6EP1T)
Edgelords, known for their contrarian viewpoints, for some reason think it's edgy to idolize a washed-up billionaire who spends his entire day shitposting. The Onion asked edgelords why they love Elon Musk, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6ENJG)
SAN FRANCISCO-With the grocery delivery company filing an IPO that suggested it was worth tens of billions of dollars less than it used to be, sources reported Monday that Instacart's valuation had plummeted as more Americans realized they could do some things for themselves. The 80% drop in value over the past...Read more...
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on (#6EN2K)
With the ailment blamed for many of the problems in the country, The Onion asked Americans what it is like to live with the Woke Mind Virus, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6EN2M)
MARIPOSA, CA-Taking in the picturesque sight of where he will die, local hiker Lucas Tribold reportedly climbed up a ridge Monday to get a better view of where his fallen body will be found. Wow, the climb was tough, but totally worth it for this breathtaking view of my final resting place," said Tribold, totally at...Read more...
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on (#6EN2N)
MOORESVILLE, IN-Purporting to be proud to reside in the U.S., local resident Jeff Chapman, who spends six hours a day posting about how every city in the nation is a third world hellhole, reportedly stated, America is the greatest country on Earth," Monday. Being born in the U.S. is better than winning any lottery,"...Read more...
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on (#6EN26)
MILL VALLEY, CA-Expressing concern about the alarming number of creative endeavors over the past month, local man Jason Ulnar told reporters Monday that his friend who was doing art must really be struggling. Oh man, looks like he's back to posting his art projects to Instagram again, that can't be good," said Ulner...Read more...
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on (#6EN27)
The U.S. Coast Guard arrested a man trying to cross the Atlantic in a human-powered hamster wheel," having found him 70 miles off of Georgia's coast while Hurricane Franklin headed toward the area. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EK94)
Mexico's Supreme Court has thrown out all federal criminal penalties for abortion, ruling that national laws prohibiting the procedure violate women's rights in a sweeping decision that extended Latin America's trend of widening abortion access. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EK6A)
WASHINGTON-Touting the renovation as a long-overdue effort to bring the U.S. government's command and control hub into the 21st century, the White House announced Friday that it had rebranded the Situation Room as a dark, moody drum-and-bass-oriented dance lounge known as Club Situation. Thanks to these recent...Read more...
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on (#6EK6B)
LOS ANGELES-Spitting into their palms to cement the deal, Nick, Joe, and Kevin Jonas reportedly made a tree-house pact Friday to divorce their mean wives and marry each other. Everything was so much better when it was just us Jonas boys, and that's how it should always be," said newly separated Joe Jonas, slipping a...Read more...
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on (#6EJYF)
LOS ANGELES-Sealing the padded envelopes after stuffing in a few pairs of lightly soiled boxers, Matt Damon reportedly scrambled to make rent Friday by selling his used underwear online. Fuck, if I don't get these thongs out the door, I'm going to be out on the street!" said Damon, hurriedly flossing his ass with a G-...Read more...
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on (#6EJNB)
Bill Maher is a self proclaimed old-school liberal" comedian who has come under fire for his controversial views on race, religion, and sexuality. If you know someone who is a Bill Maher fan, here are things you should absolutely never say to them.Read more...
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on (#6EJMS)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-In an effort to enforce recent changes to Florida's K-12 standards for social studies classes, a new bill signed into law this week by Gov. Ron DeSantis requires all educators to teach the state's approved curriculum from inside electrified cages. Effective immediately, teachers in the Sunshine State...Read more...
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on (#6EJ12)
A Delta flight going from Atlanta to Barcelona was forced to turn around for a biohazard issue" after one passenger on board had severe diarrhea that trailed down the aisle. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EJ0F)
WASHINGTON-Amid startled screams and gasps as the 46th commander in chief addressed the country, President Joe Biden attempted to ease worries about his age Thursday with a dramatic facelift. My fellow Americans, people will try and argue that I'm unfit for office, but as you can see, I'm feeling younger than ever,"...Read more...
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on (#6EHX8)
SAN JOSE, CA-As part of an effort to nurture and raise its young, a self-driving Tesla regurgitated a pedestrian carcass to feed its offspring, sources confirmed Wednesday. Wow, there's something so beautiful about watching a mother Tesla feed its children by vomiting up the half-digested remains of a pedestrian,"...Read more...
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