 |
on (#6H22B)
SAN DIEGO-Staring directly at the speaker so it knew he was onto it, local white man Sam Vance told reporters Monday he felt like the Spanish-language music playing in a Macy's department store was talking about him. I can't make out what he's saying, exactly, but I'm getting the nagging suspicion that the Mexican...Read more...
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-19 01:03 |
 |
on (#6H22C)
NEW YORK-After testing all the most popular woods, irons, and putters from top manufacturers, the editors of Golf Magazine announced Monday that they had officially named Taylor Swift their club of the year. Taylor Swift has quickly become a favorite putter of both professionals and amateurs, who value the subtle...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H22D)
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO-Immediately remarking This is called a four-top" as he was seated with a group of friends at a restaurant Monday, local man Billy Wall reportedly demonstrated his compulsive need to tell every waiter how he used to be a waiter. Don't worry, we're not going to be one of those nightmare tables,...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H22E)
A number of right-wing Twitter users recently expressed their disdain for breaking the law in the video game franchise Grand Theft Auto. The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they refuse to commit crimes in GTA, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H20M)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Stunning viewers with his prophetic commentary, Tony Romo predicted on air Sunday the exact time and place that sportscaster Jim Nantz would die. I'm telling you, Jim-you will leave this world behind on January 2, 2025," the retired quarterback and color commentator said in the latest of his...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6H0JC)
Rosemary Hayne, the 39-year old mother of four who threw a burrito bowl in the face of a Chipotle in Parma, OH, was sentenced to work two months in a fast food restaurant in addition to a 30-day jail sentence. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6H0JD)
LOS ANGELES-Following an indictment on nine federal tax-related charges, Hunter Biden reportedly prepared for court Friday by drawing a tie on his bare chest. I'll have to look presentable if I want the judge to take me seriously," said the troubled son of President Joe Biden, straining to look down at his exposed...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H0JE)
MOSCOW-Saying the passing of his best buddies never got easier, Russian President Vladimir Putin was reportedly distraught Friday over the loss of friends who kept dying under mysterious circumstances. It just breaks my heart to go to all these funerals of people I loved who have suddenly and suspiciously left this...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H0FE)
TEL AVIV-Addressing observers concerned about the toll of the nation's ongoing incursion into Gaza, Israeli officials assured critics Friday that it was doing everything possible to minimize civilians. To those expressing apprehension about this war, just know that our troops are taking every effort to mitigate...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6H06A)
The House recently passed a Republican-led resolution declaring that anti-Zionism is antisemitism. The Onion asked politicians why criticizing Israel should be illegal, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
on (#6GZ6D)
Scientists at the University of Geneva, Switzerland used AI to link the chemical composition of 80 red wines from the Bordeaux region of France to their exact origin with 100% accuracy, a feat which they believe lends credence to the inexact science of terroir. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6GZ6E)
That was reverse psychology. Please buy this house. Did it work? Seriously, though, don't buy this house. Open house Sunday, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Don't come.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6GZ49)
WASHINGTON-Shining their flashlights to reveal the pajama-clad president with a wild look in his eye, the Secret Service reportedly found Joe Biden on the White House lawn Thursday attempting to dig his own grave. It's nearly four o'clock in the morning, Mr. President," said an agent, who discovered the 81-year-old...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GZ4A)
SAN LEANDRO, CA-Deciding the infant was the last person anyone would ever suspect of carrying out a hit, local man Dennis Jeffries wired his baby $10,000 for killing his wife in childbirth. Well, it was great working with you, kid-that's $5,000 up front, plus $5,000 for a job well done," said the 33-year-old father,...Read more...
|
on (#6GYMY)
George Santos, who was expelled from Congress last week for misuse of campaign funds, is now available on Cameo, where the self-described former congressional icon'" can be hired for $350 to send a quippy greeting to anyone interested in helping offset his legal fees. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6GYH0)
Full story.Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#6GYA6)
Treat the meat lover in your life to a herd of 41 Aberdeen Angus cattle, new this season from Omaha Steaks.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GYA7)
MINNETONKA, MN-Telling herself she deserved this and letting out a long sigh of relief, local mother Theresa Franklin reported Wednesday that she would treat herself to throwing away a few pieces of her kids' art. When the stress gets to be a bit too much, nothing feels better than taking some time to relax, unwind,...Read more...
|
on (#6GY7Q)
McDonald's is opening its pilot location of CosMc's, a spinoff restaurant based on a space alien mascot from commercials in the '80s and '90s, in Bollingbrook, IL, where it will offer all-new menu items such as a tomatillo sandwich. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6GY7R)
After fatally shooting two men at a Black Lives Matter protest in Kenosha, WI, Kyle Rittenhouse quickly rocketed to fame as a hero within the right-wing media. The Onion asked conservatives why they support the controversial figure, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GY5D)
WASHINGTON-Urging all 8 billion humans on the planet to brace themselves and hold on for dear life, panicking climate scientists warned reporters Wednesday that Earth was about to go off a huge waterfall. Okay, we don't mean to freak anyone out, but right now, the planet and all its inhabitants are floating down a...Read more...
|
on (#6GXRD)
A decade after the release of Grand Theft Auto V, Rockstar released a much-anticipated trailer for the next installment of the fan-favorite series this morning. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6GXHY)
PALMYRA, SYRIA-In what turned out to be the final discovery within their field of study, the world's archaeologists celebrated Tuesday after one of them used a brush to dust off a stone fragment, revealing an ancient certificate that congratulated them on finding all the stuff. When we translate the Sumerian...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GXCJ)
Just about everybody hooked up at the high school parties Ron Haase threw at his folks' place. Now they're packing up and moving to a retirement community in Charlotte. So why not make love to your wife in the same room in which you awkwardly penetrated that girl from AP Chemistry?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GXCK)
Henry Kissinger: Of course! Can I offer you anything to drink? Sparkling water out of a human skull? Iced tea out of a human skull?"Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GXBW)
The media has been criticized for repeatedly failing to mention children killed in Israeli airstrikes on Gaza. The Onion examines every word used besides children" to describe Palestinians under 18.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GXBX)
NEW YORK-As part of its human resources department's office-wide mental health initiative, local company Bergamo and Associates reportedly offered its employees a wellness seminar Tuesday that taught them how to practice mindful acceptance of their upcoming pay cuts. With the constant demands and distractions of the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GXBY)
WASHINGTON-Noting that this was exactly the boost the president needed going into the 2024 election, pollsters confirmed Tuesday that Joe Biden's approval rating had skyrocketed after he announced he would take the nation to the circus. As of this morning, President Biden is polling better than ever, and it's all...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GXBZ)
LOUISVILLE, KY-Facing a financial dilemma after breaking his leg, a local horse who didn't have health insurance was reportedly unable to afford being shot in the head, sources confirmed Tuesday. Unfortunately, I don't have the money for basic treatment for my injuries," said Scout, explaining that he used to be on a...Read more...
|
|
 |
on (#6GWS2)
DUBAI-Appearing excited and starstruck to meet a great icon of the environmental movement, attendees at this year's COP28 climate conference took turns Monday posing with the duck from the Dawn commercial. Oh my God, seeing you covered in oil was what inspired me to get into environmental activism in the first...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GWHQ)
Although football was previously considered a manly, patriotic sport, the modern NFL has done nothing but capitulate to the far-left mob. The Onion asked conservatives to explain why the sport is too woke, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
|
 |
on (#6GW9B)
ST. LOUIS-Vowing to provide what could technically be considered an alternative, third-party candidate Patrick Laine promised Monday to fill whatever void was still left between centrist Democrats and centrist Republicans. Americans deserve choice, which is why I'm running on a platform of whatever extremely narrow...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GW90)
PRINCETON, NJ-Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GW91)
PHILADELPHIA-Demonstrating that sexism is possible across the animal kingdom, scientists at Drexel University announced Monday that they had successfully taught mice to hate women. After years of steady progress, we have finally been able to prove that mice are capable of being raging misogynists," said lead...Read more...
|
on (#6GW92)
Unlimited Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster, which the seafood chain hoped would entice customers during the winter months, proved to be too steep a deal after the company reportedly lost $11 million due to the promotion. What do you think?Read more...
 |
 |
 |
on (#6GTPW)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing this was not the type of job they could simply complete in a day or two, custodians warned leaders in the House of Representatives Friday that it could take months to remove all the cashmere sweaters from former congressman George Santos' office. While we had hoped to have his area cleaned out...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6GSRP)
Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State, national security advisor, and lover of carpet bombing innocent civilians, passed away at the age of 100. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about his death, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6GSPV)
Henry Kissinger, the most influential American diplomat of the Cold War era, died Wednesday at the age of 100, leaving behind a polarizing legacy as both a geopolitical mastermind and, according to some, a bit of a grinch.
|
 |