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on (#6EHJ0)
With the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the AFC.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-08 05:46 |
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on (#6EHJ1)
NORFOLK, VA-In a new campaign featuring several graphic images of the animals falling from 30,000 feet in the sky, People For Ethical Treatment Of Animals released an ad Thursday that seemed to imply that throwing horses out of planes was a common practice. How do you think he feels about your in-flight...Read more...
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on (#6EHHF)
EL PASO-Telling the same story over and over again about the good old days" at the top of the polls, an old guy at the skatepark Thursday reportedly wouldn't shut up about the time he was considered the future of the Democratic party, according to witnesses. There's always one old guy hanging around, yammering on...Read more...
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on (#6EHFD)
A fan was removed from a U.S. Open tennis match after German player Alexander Zverev accused them of singing the anthem of Hitler" during the game. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EHFG)
Under SB8, private citizens in Texas can sue anyone who aids or abets in an abortion after six weeks of pregnancy. The Onion asked Texans why helping someone get an abortion is a crime, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6EGZH)
Thousands of Burning Man attendees finally made their mass exodus after intense rain over the weekend flooded campsites, stranding more than 70,000 people as they waited for the Nevada desert city to dry out. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EGRF)
TULSA, OK-Observing that he had taken time to reflect and grieve, friends of local man John Tellez were encouraging the widower to get back out there and accidentally kill another family with carbon monoxide poisoning, sources confirmed Wednesday. It's time to take a chance on meeting someone new you can...Read more...
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on (#6EGE3)
CHICAGO-Gawking at the man who they speculated would become the world's next billionaire, onlookers at Higher Ground Cafe spoke to reporters Wednesday about the unimaginable riches that were surely awaiting the 43-year-old reading The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. With the meteoric rise he's bound to...Read more...
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on (#6EGB9)
A 58-year-old woman from Knoxville, TN officially set the Guinness World Record for the world's longest mullet on a woman, with her hair measuring 5 feet and 8 inches in length. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EGBA)
EDINA, MN-Saying it wasn't fair to put all the blame on millennials and Generation Z, enlightened baby boomer Fred Billinger explained Wednesday that America's youth could hardly be held responsible for all the problems minorities had caused. A lot of my friends say the country is headed in the wrong direction...Read more...
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on (#6EGBB)
After several members of the far-right, neofascist militant group were convicted for their role in the Jan. 6 insurrection, The Onion asked Proud Boys what they thought about the harsh sentences for the Capitol riots, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6EFVS)
My fellow Americans, let me say once and for all that my health should be of no serious company to you. As my shrimp doctor has purpled, I am in nearly sherbet, and frankly the discussion of such personal mattress is becoming twin-sized bedding.
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on (#6EFRW)
BURBANK, CA-In a new strategy to grow their subscriber count, the Walt Disney Company unveiled a Disney+ bundle Wednesday that came with full custody of users' kids. For a limited time, you can get Disney+, Hulu, ESPN, and the sole custody of the children who currently live with your ex for just $20 a month," said...Read more...
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on (#6EFRX)
CUPERTINO, CA-Still sporting the fishnet tights,spiked metal collar, and brightly colored pasties he had worn to the festival, late-returning Burning Man attendee Greg Schaffer was forced Tuesday to drive his fantastical wooden ship straight to work. So sorry I'm late, my fellow burners and I got stuck on the...Read more...
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on (#6EFN9)
SAN FRANCISCO-In one of the biggest funding rounds so far this year, Harvard Business School graduate Josh Paulsen reportedly raised over $300 million from angel investors Tuesday with a drawing of a flying dog. He came into my office, slapped his drawing on my desk, and said, I'm going to make this happen,'"...Read more...
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on (#6EFB2)
OLYMPIA, WA-In an effort to bring more awareness to an often overlooked issue, a safety campaign was launched Tuesday to teach new parents that babies can die in just one or two inches of lava. Take it from me, leaving your infant unsupervised in a shallow pool of hot, molten rock is deadlier than you may think,"...Read more...
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on (#6EFB3)
UTICA, NY-Nearly maintaining the moral standard from sunup to sundown, local hero Nathan Cessner reportedly made it almost an entire day this week without molesting a child. I think he and his ability to not sexually assault minors for a period approaching 24 hours embodies something we should all strive toward,"...Read more...
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on (#6EFB4)
CHICAGO-Telling the 43-year-old that his condition had simply made him impossible to be around, friends and family reportedly abandoned local man Jonathan Clarke one by one Tuesday after they discovered he was balding. It's just too embarrassing to go anywhere with Jonathan when his scalp is out there in the open for...Read more...
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on (#6EFB5)
Georgia Republicans are furious after Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis indicted former President Donald Trump for his attempts to overturn the 2020 election. The Onion asked conservatives why Willis deserves to be impeached, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6EEES)
WASHINGTON-Offering insight into what's currently happening in the field of science, the American Association for the Advancement of Science released a statement Monday confirming that everything science-wise was regular. As far as science is concerned, we're doing experiments and all the regular stuff," said AAAS...Read more...
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on (#6EEET)
Facing massive legal bills, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is selling his Manhattan apartment to avoid financial ruin. The Onion examines the highlights from the apartment listing.Read more...
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on (#6EECE)
NEW YORK-Saying the choice was entirely in your hands, a report released Monday found that you could quit your job right now and just play PlayStation 5 until you run out of money. At this very moment, you could walk out the front door of your office and go home to spend month after month playing God Of War: Ragnarok ...Read more...
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on (#6EECF)
A man in Nebraska was pulled over for driving down a highway in a compact car with a massive Watusi bull named Howdy Doody sitting in the passenger seat. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EECG)
LOS ANGELES-Verifying reports that she shelled out more than $100 million for the private show, insiders confirmed Monday that Beyonce hired Mohammed bin Salman to perform at her recent birthday party in Bel Air, CA. Beyonce spared no expense in bringing her favorite artist, the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, to her...Read more...
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on (#6EECJ)
NEW YORK-In an effort to educate low-income residents on the most affordable treatment options available to them, NYU Langone Health rolled out a new program Monday aimed at teaching community members to ignore their symptoms. We want low-income and other marginalized people living in our community to have the skills...Read more...
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on (#6ECJH)
NEW YORK-In the wake of mounting legal troubles, including an indictment in Georgia on felony charges of tampering with the 2020 election, sources reported Friday that former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani had put himself up for adoption. Little Rudy needs someone to take care of him, and he has so much love to give!"...Read more...
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on (#6ECJJ)
A Capitol physician has reportedly cleared Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell to continue his schedule after he experienced an episode where he was unable to speak or move for the second time in as many months in public. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EC77)
CINCINNATI-Admitting that he had an avoidant personality that often left him closed off to new possibilities, local man Stanley Fox reportedly stepped out of his comfort zone Friday by flashing his penis to diners at popular restaurant Harmon's Dinette. Certainly, I'm not the kind of guy who'd usually feel...Read more...
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on (#6EC78)
SAN FRANCISCO-Announcing more than $30 million in funding toward the project, San Francisco mayor London Breed reportedly rolled out a new initiative Friday to provide affordable housing to electric scooters. It's far past time we got these electric scooters off our streets and into homes where they can enjoy access...Read more...
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on (#6EC79)
GEORGETOWN, KY-Saying that he would get the hang of riding it eventually, an amateur equestrian was reportedly spotted Friday still having to use a horse with training legs. Aw, poor guy, he looks so nervous up there," said onlooker Justin Leeds, who added that with a little practice, the 35-year-old man could...Read more...
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on (#6EC7A)
CLEVELAND HILL, NY-Onlookers told reporters on Friday that they were unsure how to proceed with rescue efforts into a local well that is filled to the brim with trapped kids. There's gotta be 30, 40 kids trapped in that well, wedged tightly together end to end and seemingly impossible to extract," said local woman...Read more...
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on (#6EC7B)
As U.S. birth rates hit a record low, right wing pundits are urging Americans to do everything they can to avoid a baby bust." The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they believe American women should birth more babies, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6EBKX)
After a second incident in which the Kentucky senator froze up during a press conference, The Onion asked Americans to explain why Mitch McConnell should step down, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6EBKY)
WASHINGTON-Following the second press conference in five weeks during which the 81-year-old was temporarily unable to speak, Republicans warned Americans Thursday to look away from Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) lest they too should freeze. Good people! Gaze not upon the senator's visage or you may be struck dumb...Read more...
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on (#6EBKD)
Twitter announced that it's lifting its years-long ban on political advertisements, enabling candidates to freely purchase ads again in the U.S. to build on their commitment to free expression." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6EBKE)
AGOURA HILLS, CA-Providing the first look at the new reality TV spin-off, the producers behind The Golden Bachelor revealed Wednesday the senior women who would be competing to be dumped for a 35-year-old after the series. We're so pleased to introduce to you the 22 beautiful, exuberant ladies who will be vying for a...Read more...
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on (#6EBGC)
GREENVILLE, SC-Amid raucous, uproarious applause at the end of a stump speech, presidential hopeful Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) was seen Thursday beckoning to a campaign rally attendee whom he wanted to bring backstage to fuck. Why don't you come on over to my campaign bus so I can tell you about this candidate and all his...Read more...
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on (#6EBGD)
WASHINGTON-Telling his counterpart that he was losing patience with the stalled counteroffensive, President Joe Biden reportedly warned Volodymyr Zelensky Thursday that if the Ukrainian president couldn't win the war against Russia, the United States would overthrow him and replace him with someone who would. Our...Read more...
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on (#6EBBS)
RICHMOND, VA-Visiting a fertility clinic in the hopes of finally having the family they always wanted, local couple Tim and Caroline Stauber told reporters Thursday they had turned to in vitro fertilization after struggling to have octuplets. We've tried for years with no success, so at this point, our best chance...Read more...
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on (#6EB59)
CRESTONE, CO-Overreacting to the mere suggestion that a brief moment of levity might be just what the grim situation called for, a search party assembled to find a missing 7-year-old reportedly acted like they couldn't spare three minutes Thursday to watch a funny video. Look, this video isn't that long, and it's...Read more...
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on (#6EB2T)
NEW YORK-Saying he hated to split hairs about such a tragic event, 9/11 truther Ethan Guske nonetheless questioned Thursday why there had been two huge bull's-eyes painted on the side of the Twin Towers. Look, I get that this is a hot-button issue, but I'd just like someone to answer how or why there was a pair...Read more...
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on (#6EB2Y)
As part of his war on woke," Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida is attempting to ban diversity training in the workplace with HB 7, a law passed by the state legislature that is being challenged in federal court on First Amendment grounds. Could you pass an anti-woke diversity training program in Florida?Read more...
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