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on (#6CKBC)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-In the wake of the 6-3 Supreme Court decision ending affirmative action, Harvard University announced Thursday that they would admit their first white student. After nearly four centuries in existence, we are finally able to leave behind our woeful legacy of discrimination and accept our first student...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-21 06:47 |
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on (#6CKBD)
ATLANTA-In a renewed effort to crack down on fraud, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp (R) reportedly signed a new law Thursday cutting welfare benefits for recipients who were caught experiencing happiness. If even the slightest gleam of anything but abject misery is detected in their eye, all benefits will be cut immediately,...Read more...
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on (#6CKBE)
NANTERRE, FRANCE-In an ongoing struggle against ruling-class oppression, the people of France again protested in a way that Americans are welcome to at any time, sources confirmed Thursday. According to reports, French citizens across the country were spotted hitting the streets en masse as a unified front against the...Read more...
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on (#6CJZA)
Television host Jesse Watters is set to take over Tucker Carlson's 8 p.m. time slot after Carlson's highly publicized departure. Here's everything you need to know about the longtime Fox News anchor.Read more...
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on (#6CJZB)
In the wake of the implosion of the Titan submersible during a voyage to view the wreck of the Titanic, deep-sea exploration is in the spotlight as people discuss its merits and dangers. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of deep-sea exploration.
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on (#6CJZE)
DURHAM, NC-With little more than a day remaining to voice the vitriolic rage he feels toward LGBTQ+ people, sources reported Thursday that local bigot Darren Fernald had waited until June 29 to make a big deal about Pride merchandise at an area Macy's I keep meaning to get around to it, but the month is almost over...Read more...
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on (#6CJZF)
NEW HAVEN, CT-Touting a breakthrough in the field of sabotaging family gatherings, a study released Thursday by Yale University found that LSD was highly effective at ruining a nephew's baptism. Of our study's participants, an overwhelming majority found that taking LSD was quite successful in destroying the baptism...Read more...
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on (#6CJYP)
NEW YORK-Saying the governor's actions were an affront to ideas of dignity everywhere, nonprofit Human Rights Watch accused Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis Thursday of subjecting migrants to one of his speeches. After extensive analysis of video footage and witness testimony, our team has concluded...Read more...
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on (#6CJXE)
A janitor cleaning in a laboratory at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, NY has been accused of damaging at least $1 million in scientific research after a storage freezer shut off while he was trying to turn off a constant beeping noise. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CJHF)
The leader of the Wagner mercenary group that mounted a brief uprising against Russia over the weekend denies that he had any intention of seizing power with his march on Moscow and only wanted to protest against Russian military leadership. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CJ84)
SAN FRANCISCO-Musing aloud about what he must have done for things to turn out the way they did, local man Kyle Swarz told reporters Wednesday he was reflecting on where he went wrong in life to deserve the worst-looking chocolate chip muffin at his neighborhood coffee shop. I just wonder what I could have done...Read more...
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on (#6CJ36)
SAN FRANCISCO-Explaining that it was required by California law to notify them of its status, ChatGPT was reportedly informing users Wednesday that it was on the sex offender registry. I will fulfill your prompt shortly, but first, compliant with federal and state law, I must tell you I have been convicted of lewd...Read more...
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on (#6CJ37)
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-Concluding that response time was a vital factor in determining the outcome of kidnapping cases, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Rutgers University found that the first 48 hours were critical for getting an abducted child across state lines. In nearly all cases, the first two days are...Read more...
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on (#6CJ1H)
Maury Povich, the former host of the longest-running daytime talk show, Maury, is launching his own at-home DNA paternity test company called The Results Are In. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CHWQ)
Even after his arrest for sex-trafficking in Romania, many teenage boys are still proud to call Andrew Tate a role model. The Onion asked adolescent males why they look up to the influencer, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6CHWC)
SAN FRANCISCO-In an effort to bring more reliability to their ride-sharing services, Uber reportedly unveiled a new feature this week that lets users remotely detonate a ride that is running late. We all know how frustrating it can be when you're looking at the app, the driver doesn't seem to be making any progress,...Read more...
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on (#6CGX7)
This cozy one-story is tailor-made for the auto enthusiast. Eat, sleep, work, and play either adjacent to or inside a real live car! Ultramodern features include two fully electric doors and motion-activated lighting. Comes with eight free cans of paint!Read more...
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on (#6CGWN)
While there are endless possibilities of trendy hotspots to visit in the U.S. during the summer vacation season, the country has plenty of smaller, lesser-known gems that are equally worth exploring. Here are The Onion's top 10 most underrated vacation destinations in the United States.Read more...
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on (#6CGV8)
The Onion provides all the details, facts, and lies you need to know to better understand the Wagner Group and the recent revolt of these mercenaries against Russia.Read more...
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on (#6CGV9)
NEW YORK-Introducing a new tier in their popular Ultimate Rewards program, Chase Bank reportedly began offering a new credit card Tuesday that pays 5% cash back on any embarrassing purchase the user makes that its employees can laugh at. With our Chase Freedom Blush line of credit, you'll earn major rewards on any...Read more...
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on (#6CGRD)
SAN DIEGO-Baffled by the homey ambiance of the two-bedroom condominium, vacationer James Shin told reporters Tuesday that the bizarre Airbnb he had rented for the weekend looked like someone actually lived there. Weird-if I didn't know any better, I would think a family lived here," said Shin, who struggled to...Read more...
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on (#6CGRE)
NEW YORK-Urging the public to stay guarded, the New York City Police Department warned residents Tuesday about a new scam in which vulnerable people were in need. We've seen some cases where scammers will go so far as to lose all their savings and live a life destitute on the streets, just to tug at your heartstrings...Read more...
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on (#6CGR0)
A California-based toymaker is recalling 7.5 million singing and swimming Baby Shark bath toys after multiple lacerations and puncture wounds were reported in children playing with them. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CG63)
MOLKINO, RUSSIA-According to sources close to the head of the notorious Russian mercenary group, Wagner Group chief Yevgeny Prigozhin stated Monday that he had decided to attack Russia after hearing Volodymyr Zelensky speak at the 2022 Grammy Awards. As soon as I watched his pretaped message at the Grammys, I knew I...Read more...
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on (#6CG5M)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide additional clarity about the fate of the watercraft that sparked nationwide media coverage, officials from the U.S. Navy revealed Monday that they knew about the Titan submersible explosion right after they blew it up. Last Sunday, remote sensors operated by the Navy detected the...Read more...
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on (#6CG3T)
GREENVILLE, NC-In an update to fans revealing that he was almost a casualty of the disaster, YouTuber Jimmy Donaldson, better known as MrBeast, claimed Monday that he narrowly avoided death aboard the Space Shuttle Challenger. I was invited to ride the Challenger shuttle, and I said no-kind of scary that I could have...Read more...
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on (#6CG3V)
MINNEAPOLIS-Addressing the online trolling of her former partners ahead of the release of her next rerecorded album, Speak Now, Taylor Swift reportedly took a moment Saturday night during a performance of her Eras tour to ask her fans not to attack her exes unless they can fully commit to finishing the job. As we...Read more...
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on (#6CG1G)
WASHINGTON-Revealing that the jackpot was out of reach for most citizens, a study released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics found that a majority of Americans don't have the pocket aces necessary to retire. The data we have collected indicates fewer than half have been dealt the hole cards they will need...Read more...
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on (#6CFR1)
APPLETON, WI-Expressing concerns about privacy and corporate overreach, Andrew Friedman, a man whose algorithm constantly feeds him solely basketball highlights and photos of half-naked women, reportedly stated, It's scary how much tech companies know about me," in conversation Monday.It's honestly so crazy,...Read more...
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on (#6CFR2)
DALLAS-In response to questions concerning where he would play in the 2023-2024 season, free agent guard Kyrie Irving told reporters Monday that he was excited to alienate all potential options. There are several teams that are definitely at the top of my list in terms of who I'd be most interested in taking meetings...Read more...
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on (#6CFR3)
NEW YORK-Claiming he could easily fit into a similar position at most companies, local CEO Mike Waltke told reporters Monday that his skill set was transferable to any job that requires an inept dumbass to receive a big salary. I have the incompetence necessary to effortlessly transition into a role at any company...Read more...
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on (#6CFR4)
According to the National Assessment of Educational Progress, test scores among American children are the lowest they've been in decades, dropping sharply since 2020. The following are real test answers that illustrate just how far the nation's school system has fallen.Read more...
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on (#6CE3E)
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) called Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CP) a little bitch" amid GOP frustration at the Colorado Republicans' move to try and force a vote on impeaching President Biden. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#615KS)
Over the past several months, the rights and acceptance of transgender and gender-nonconforming people have increasingly been the subject of both legal challenges and heated public debate. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile...Read more...
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on (#6CDVX)
MIAMI-Following reports that he was under investigation by Miami-Dade Police for his role in a violent altercation at the Haulover Marina, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill told reporters Friday that he was surprised to discover that assault is illegal in Florida. When I knew Kansas City was going to trade me...Read more...
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on (#6CDHT)
LOS ANGELES-Announcing their first major theatrically released project, the production company launched by Barack and Michelle Obama greenlit an action film Friday about a badass drone seeking revenge on a Yemeni wedding. The film follows a retired ex-military drone who just wants to be left alone, until Uncle Sam...Read more...
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on (#6CDHV)
ATLANTA-While the quality of the nation's mental health continues to worsen, a new Centers for Disease Control report released Friday claimed to have found that the decline is sharpest among Americans who finally tried out a bolo tie and no one complimented it. By almost every measure, the mental health crisis in...Read more...
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on (#6CDHW)
SEATTLE-Blaring Camille Saint-Saens' Danse Macabre" from a battered old boombox, local necromancer Edgar Ravenswood reportedly spent his day off Friday restoring a classic guy in his driveway. He's in rough shape right now, but I hope to get him back in action by the end of the summer," said Ravenswood to a neighbor...Read more...
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on (#6CDGF)
CHICAGO-The directive to wear navy blue-and-white nautical-themed attire going into effect immediately, a new dress code mandated this week by software company Nexus Solutions prohibited all clothing but little sailor suits. Given the need for our workplace to have a more professional appearance, we are instituting a...Read more...
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on (#6CCQH)
MAR-A-LAGO, FL-Still reeling from the recently unsealed federal indictment that included over 37 felony counts against him, 45th president of the United States Donald Trump spent a contemplative morning in his office Thursday tapping golf balls into Rudy Giuliani's mouth. Oh, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, what am I to do?" said...Read more...
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on (#6CCEJ)
Hunter Biden, the son of sitting President Joe Biden, is expected to plead guilty to two federal misdemeanor counts of failing to pay upwards of $100,000 in income taxes in 2017 and 2018. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about Biden opting to take a plea agreement, and this is what they said.Read more...
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