The Onion

Timothee Chalamet stars as Bob Dylan in the new biopic A Complete Unknown, based on the book Dylan Goes Electric. The Onion sat down with Chalamet to discuss the film. The Onion: What about playing Bob Dylan most intrigued you? Chalamet: I was definitely drawn to his characteristic raspy voice because it's similar to mine [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Timothee Chalamet appeared first on The Onion.

CHATEAU DE CHAMBORD-Asserting that such uncouth behavior brings shame upon the glorious lineage of a court that can be traced back 12 generations, a breaking report released Friday stated that you forget yourself with such impropriety, viscount! According to sources who hold a hallowed position within this palace, you must take hold of your senses [...]The post Breaking: You Forget Yourself, Viscount! appeared first on The Onion.

With the start of a new year, many Americans will be engaging in new fitness routines, with jogging being among the most popular. Here are tips for finding the selecting running shoes. Decide the level of cushioning based on if you're a back runner, side runner, or stomach runner. Go up a size to leave [...]The post Tips For Picking Out Running Shoes appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLESTON, SC-Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was good enough for him," local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. In terms of practicing mindfulness, accidentally leaving my AirPods at my desk when I went to eat my sandwich basically did the job," said Stambaugh, adding that [...]The post Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand's legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the company's products. When parents shared with us their concerns about our practice of selling batteries with delicious, sugary toppings, we listened," said [...]The post Duracell Removes Frosting, Sprinkles To Discourage Kids From Eating Batteries appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-At long last able to rejoice as its days of wandering in a culinary desert reached an end, the nation's turkey-weary populace has made a triumphant return to eating shrimp, crustacean-munching sources confirmed Wednesday. Thanksgiving was tough, Christmas was even tougher, but at last our freezers are free of turkey leftovers and shrimp can return [...]The post Turkey-Weary Nation Makes Triumphant Return To Eating Shrimp appeared first on The Onion.

NORFOLK, VA-In what is being hailed as a huge milestone in the development of the man's verbal skills, sources confirmed Tuesday that Mark Peterbaum, the husband of a local woman's cousin, said his first word during a visit with extended family over the holidays. As far as any of us could tell, Mark didn't know [...]The post Cousin's Husband Says First Word appeared first on The Onion.

Three years after it first premiered, Squid Game is returning to Netflix. Here is what you need to know about the second season of the hit dystopian drama. Q: When is it coming out? A: At the exact moment when you get kicked off your ex's Netflix account. Q: Will this season also require audiences [...]The post What To Know About Squid Game' Season 2 appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Insisting that he thought what he had seen was great despite his complete lack of experience with the visual art form, local man Nick Tyler reportedly lied Monday about having seen any movies at all in order to impress his friends. Oh yeah, it's so fantastic how the images moved and there was audio and [...]The post Man Lies About Having Seen Any Movies At All To Impress Friends appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. Good luck getting back in shape, idiots-you'll never figure out how to use all these pulleys," said fitness director Kyle Cates, who showed off the newly renovated cardio floor where the [...]The post Gym Installs Confusing New Equipment To Mess With Anyone Joining In January appeared first on The Onion.

The holiday season is here, meaning millions are celebrating by indulging in festive beverages and big meals. The Onion shares tips for avoiding gaining weight over the holidays. Incorporate physical activity into family gatherings by announcing I'm gonna do a backflip" as soon as you arrive. Buy whatever supplement the doctors with podcasts are currently [...]The post Tips For Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain appeared first on The Onion.

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VATICAN CITY-Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter's Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. You can't walk the colonnade without passing a cluttered window display with a bunch of bongs and a painting of a [...]The post Pope Francis Decries Legal Head Shops Overrunning Vatican City appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to button their pants. It should be a smooth effortless action that involves no protracted struggle to connect the [...]The post SurgeonGeneral: You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants' appeared first on The Onion.

Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You" turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey's career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven dispatches an angel to sing his word each solstice hitherto. [...]The post Mariah Carey: A Career Timeline appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC-After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his only Christmas present this year. That was a really nice gesture and all, and they seemed [...]The post Foster Child Hopes Adoption Papers Not His Only Christmas Gift appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Taking the rumpled package out from behind his back, an excitedTravisKelcereportedly surprised girlfriendTaylorSwiftWednesday by handing awrapped,football-shapedgift to the pop super star.Here you go, babe," said the 35-year-old Kansas City Chiefs tight end who watched eagerly as Swift regarded the oblong, sloppily wrappedpackage. A special Christmas present, just for my sweetheart. I think you're really [...]The post TravisKelceExcitedlyHandsTaylorSwiftWrappedFootball-ShapedGift appeared first on The Onion.

An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft. Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they'd like to steal themselves. Have your packages sent to a P.O. box so that you won't pick them up either. Employ a [...]The post Tips For Preventing Package Theft appeared first on The Onion.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements Sunday before leaving MetLife Stadium. By signing this document, you are agreeing that you will never discuss the details of what happened on that field today with anyone outside of [...]The post Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus' sister to be included for the first time in the family business, Santa Claus confirmed Monday that as their present this year, all children would be receiving one of the bags of glitter labeled fairy dust" that his sister-in-law sells on Etsy. We're excited that on [...]The post Santa Confirms Everyone Getting Bag Of Glitter Labeled Fairy Dust' His Sister-In-Law Sells On Etsy appeared first on The Onion.

Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys. 1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to keep up with children's demands for woodcuts of President Rutherford B. Hayes. 1933: Do you [...]The post Timeline Of Trendy Christmas Toys appeared first on The Onion.

Pete Hegseth, Trump's pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee's background. Marital Status: Third wife, 12th affair Military Rank: Goon Speaking Style: Eight drinks in Hairstyle: Speaking role in American Psycho [...]The post Political Profile: Pete Hegseth appeared first on The Onion.

Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted the other day in the Walgreens parking lot filming herself in her car yelling? Just asking for a friend (name of Dale Jeanstea!) who would like change to chill out [...]The post AI? Ai-Yai-Yai! appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend's name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given to her by her boyfriend's mom. At first I thought maybe Jessica' was just the brand name of the stocking, but [...]The post Faded Outline Of Ex-Girlfriend's Name Still Visible On Stocking appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this.Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick, but I guess Daniel Day-Lewis has some sort of cameo in it, too?" said one source, who leaned [...]The post BREAKING: Holy Shit, Daniel Day-Lewis Is In This appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse. Nothing will stick-the gumdrops, the Twizzlers, the candy canes, the Hershey's kisses-they all reject the frosting, just as life has rejected me," said Renton, who stared [...]The post Building Shitty Gingerbread House Just Making Depression Worse appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University's medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into some sort of cylindrical tank filled with fluid. Our data indicate that almost all wounds and maladies can be mitigated, if not outright reversed, by [...]The post Experts Recommend Putting Injured Person In Some Sort Of Cylindrical Tank Filled With Fluid appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the video review process and provide an opportunity for fans to help with the enforcement of rules.Starting today, we will have a dedicated team of volunteers standing by to collect any [...]The post NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC-Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL commercial Thursday for depicting a Carolina Panthers fan watching a game with his friends. It's crazy enough they want me to believe these guys root for the Panthers, but they [...]The post Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Gazing longingly at the obvious warmth and good cheer within, localbaldmanFrank Richmond reportedly pressed hisfaceto awindowWednesday as athick-hairedfamilyinside satdowntodinner. They all seem so happy," said Richmond, his wrinkled, naked pate offering no protection from the cold night air as he watched the smiling clan prepare for a meal by tucking their long, luxurious locks behind [...]The post Bald Man Presses Face To Window As Thick-Haired Family Sits Down To Dinner appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently enlisted could be molded into a fighting force capable of dying in a conflict overseas. Ackers told reporters the [...]The post Military Recruiter Enlists Ragtag Bunch Of Teen Misfits To Die In Overseas Conflict appeared first on The Onion.