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on (#6HVX9)
MIAMI-Addressing the swirling rumors about her love interest being closely associated with her ex-husband Scottie Pippen's former NBA teammate, reality television personality Larsa Pippen released a statement Monday confirming that she's dating Michael Jordan's gym bag. It's true-I am currently in a serious,...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 21:35 |
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on (#6HTDD)
ORILLA, IA-With flights grounded and roads buried under inches of snow, blizzard conditions in Iowa reportedly forced Republican primary opponents Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley to share a hotel room Friday. Seriously? There's not even a sofa?" said Haley, who groaned and returned DeSantis' brooding scowl with a fiery...Read more...
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on (#6HTDE)
MONTECITO, CA-Years after stepping back from their royal duties to live a more independent life and earn their own money, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Friday their new plan to make a fortune running a self-storage facility. Though it took some time, we finally scraped together enough cash to make an offer...Read more...
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on (#6HTDF)
As polls show Nikki Haley edging out his lead in New Hampshire, former President Donald Trump started a birther rumor about his political rival, falsely stating that her Indian immigrant parents were not citizens when she was born in South Carolina and throwing into question her eligibility for the presidency. What do ...Read more...
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on (#6HRB6)
LOS ANGELES-In a post to the app that garnered dozens of likes, local NextDoor user Janine Parry reportedly came right out and asked this week if it was okay to set a homeless man on fire. Hey all, I've seen this guy around the neighborhood a few times, and I was wondering if anyone would mind if I doused him in...Read more...
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on (#6HRYQ)
MOUNT PROSPECT, IL-Picking up the waiting room periodical with a pained look on her face, local dentist Dr. Leigh Grace reported feeling hurt Thursday that someone would deface the teeth of a magazine cover model here, in her office, of all places. What kind of sick person would do this at a dental practice, a place...Read more...
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on (#6HQER)
According to the National Transportation Safety Board, the Alaska Airlines plane that lost a piece of its fuselage in midair had a pressurization warning light go off during three recent flights, and work to determine the cause of the warning was not done before takeoff last Friday. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HQAT)
When you first start dating a man, topics will inevitably arise that simply feel too gross, intimidating, or personal to discuss. The Onion answers every embarrassing sex question women wish they could ask their boyfriend.Read more...
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on (#6HQ3K)
When you first start dating a man, topics will inevitably arise that simply feel too gross, intimidating, or personal to discuss. The Onion answers every embarrassing sex question women wish they could ask their boyfriend.Read more...
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on (#6HPYP)
ANCHORAGE, AK-Stating that she had heard both perspectives and could understand their frustrations, marriage counselor Laurie Hartford reportedly told couple David and Julia Carter that she ultimately had to side with the hotter spouse. So, I've listened to everything you've had to say, and I've come to the...Read more...
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on (#6HPYR)
MILWAUKEE-Promising to violate any and all personal space, the nation's strangers held a press conference Tuesday to announce their plan to stand near you. Whether it's on the subway, in a coffee shop, at the bank, or in a park-we will closely hover around you and breathe on your neck," said sources who asked not to...Read more...
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on (#6HP25)
DENVER-Saying the company needed more workers without any hobbies, interests, or social life, local boss Ross Baresh confirmed Monday that he was impressed by what a friendless loser his hardworking employee Kyle Weinrib must be. I must say, I'm taking a real shine to Kyle and how utterly incapable he is of fostering...Read more...
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on (#6HP26)
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX-Noting a significant increase in engagement and participation, psychologists confirmed Monday that local father Chris O'Neill was most present while encouraging his children to knock it off. It was remarkable-instead of being distracted by outside intrusions like his phone or the television, Chris...Read more...
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on (#6HP27)
Though they belong to the most popular religion in the world, Christians remain mercilessly persecuted by a depraved subset of maniacs who do not believe in God. The Onion asked Christians why atheists are bullies, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HP12)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6HNYM)
ATLANTA-In an effort to align the brand's supply chain with its Christian values, the fast food restaurant Chick-fil-A announced Monday that it would only serve chickens conceived in wedlock. Starting today, our more than 3,000 Chick-fil-A locations will no longer ask customers to eat bastard chicks born to unwed...Read more...
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on (#6HM20)
The genetic testing company 23andMe, which was subject to a data breach in December that compromised the genetic and ancestry data of 6.9 million users and now faces more than 30 lawsuits, blamed the victims of the hacking in a recent letter to users, stating that they negligently recycled and failed to update their...Read more...
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on (#6HM21)
Many politicians seem to believe they know enough about medicine to determine whether certain procedures are medically necessary or not. The Onion asked elected officials why they understand abortion better than doctors, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HM22)
BRATTLEBORO, VT-Making the bold assertion with no discernible evidence, local child Jayden Mitchell was unreasonably confident he'd make a good horse, sources confirmed Friday. Look, I'm not saying he'd make a terrible horse, but I think it's a little arrogant of him to just assume he'd make the best horse in the...Read more...
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on (#6HM23)
SAN DIEGO, CA-Emphasizing that the new facilities would be quick, clean, and easy to use, Petco introduced new self-service spay or neuter stations Friday in all of its stores nationwide. Starting today, customers will be able to go to any Petco and reserve a plastic, semiprivate enclosure in which to sterilize their...Read more...
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on (#6HKJX)
The Santa Cruz County bomb squad inspected an inert military ordnance" believed to be a practice bomb filled with sand from the 1960s that washed up on the Pajaro Dunes, 20 miles southeast of Santa Cruz. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HKFT)
NEW YORK-Dismissing the long-awaited unsealing of court documents related to Jeffrey Epstein as underwhelming," sources reported Thursday that the list of so-called elite perverts lacked star power. Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, David Copperfield-what kind of cabal are they running here?" said sources who...Read more...
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on (#6HKCW)
A federal judge has unsealed hundreds of documents naming victims and con-conspirators in the trial of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The Onion obtained a copy of these documents. Here, in pursuit of transparency and journalistic forthrightness, we present the names for the public's enlightenment.Read more...
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on (#6HK72)
Although phosphorus munitions are not technically banned under international law, it is illegal to use them against civilian populations. The Onion asked Americans when the military should be permitted to use white phosphorus, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HK4K)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that the newly discovered resource was our only hope to save the planet, climate scientists urged the public Thursday to switch to the renewable psychic energy of a frail, bald child. After years of research, we can confidently say that the only way to avert climate disaster is to harvest the...Read more...
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on (#6HK4M)
Disney's copyright on the 1928 animated film Steamboat Willie has expired, allowing anyone to use the storyline and famous Mickey Mouse mascot, with two new horror movies based on the short already announced. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HK4P)
NEW YORK-Rolling out a premium subscription tier for users who want a more customizable viewing experience, HBO's Max streaming service unveiled a new triple-platinum plan Thursday that allows customers to permanently remove any movie or TV series from the platform. For $49.99 a month, subscribers now have the option...Read more...
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on (#6HK4Q)
This two-bedroom condo is perfect for you and Jessica. It's been two years, and really, what are you so afraid of? You'd each get your own bathroom, there's oak flooring throughout, and there's something about the granite countertops that just screams mature decision." Low taxes!Read more...
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on (#6HJN3)
On Monday, the deadline for objections to the unsealing of names connected to the Jeffrey Epstein-Ghislaine Maxwell sex trafficking case will pass, allowing the identities of nearly 200 of Epstein's associates to be confirmed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HJN4)
Decisions made in Maine and Colorado to strike Donald Trump from their respective state-level ballots using the Fourteenth Amendment's insurrection clause have raised the question: Should the former president be disqualified from running again? The Onion asked Americans what they think.Read more...
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on (#6HJBZ)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6HJ87)
DAYTON, OH-Inadvertently breaching the boundary to the underworld because he didn't want to shell out hard-earned money, local dad Curtis Morgan reportedly opened up the gates of hell Wednesday while attempting to fix the kitchen sink himself. Goddammit, don't worry, I'll take care of all this goat's blood-I must've...Read more...
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on (#6HJ80)
WASHINGTON-Looking after the White House for a couple days while the president was out of town, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly made a few extra bucks this week house-sitting for the Bidens. As far as side gigs go, house-sitting is easy money," said the nation's second-in-command, adding that it was always...Read more...
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on (#6HJ82)
SIOUX CITY, IA-Admitting the five days of somber reflection had been exactly what she needed to move on with her life, Apex Consulting employee Natalie Silver said Wednesday that she could barely even remember her recently deceased mom after taking the company's one week of bereavement leave. Gosh, I know her...Read more...
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on (#6HJ83)
While many believe the words child" and marriage" should never appear next to each other, for others, child marriage is the dream. The Onion asked men to explain why age of consent laws are too strict, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HHTK)
BURBANK, CA-Announcing the Beauty And The Beast character was available for public use as of Jan. 1, 2024, Disney CEO Bob Iger confirmed Tuesday that the company was relinquishing the rights to LeFou decades before the film's copyright expired. Go ahead, put LeFou in whatever silly slasher films you like-we do not...Read more...
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on (#6HHTM)
NEW YORK-Enrapturing the nation with his well-pressed trousers and matching jacket, a man in an impeccably tailored suit, allegedly with a pocket square and everything, urged Americans to invest in the stock market, sources confirmed Tuesday. This man, with his crisp, white shirt and perfectly fitted pants obviously...Read more...
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on (#6HHHK)
AUSTIN, TX-Noting that all great innovators must fail in order to succeed, sources confirmed Tuesday that Elon Musk was rushed to the hospital after attempting to impregnate a toaster. The 52-year-old billionaire, who founded Tesla, SpaceX, and Neuralink, reportedly suffered second- and third-degree burns along his...Read more...
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