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on (#66EH8)
BETHESDA, MD—Trying to learn more information about the team he recently decided to root for, new World Cup fan Brian Edman was frantically searching online Friday for any information he could find on the country of the United States. “This is my first time getting into the World Cup and I didn’t know who to root for,…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 16:16 |
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on (#66EH9)
Police face an incredibly difficult task in maintaining order in a barbaric hellscape like America, and journalistic ethics require news sources like The Onion to report the truth accurately from the officers’ perspective. Amid ongoing criticism of how the media portrays violent acts by law enforcement, we’re sharing …Read more...
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on (#66EFB)
WASHINGTON—Saying the musician’s behavior in the past weeks had been a deep disappointment, far-right commentators criticized Kanye West on Friday for not using his platform to raise awareness of the many lesser-known Nazis. “Ye had a clear educational opportunity to shed light on forgotten figures from the…Read more...
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on (#66EFC)
After the renowned hip-hop artist praised Hitler and Nazis in an interview with Alex Jones, The Onion asked prominent conservatives how they felt about Ye’s appearance on Infowars.Read more...
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on (#66E9R)
ANN ARBOR, MI—With a twinkle of seasonal cheer in her eyes as she informs well-wishers of her estrangement from her closest relatives, area 34-year-old Lisa Vandersmith embraces the spirit of the holidays by telling complete strangers she doesn’t speak to her family, sources reported Friday. “Oh, yes, I hope you have…Read more...
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on (#66E9S)
MITCHELL, SD—After assuring his dinner companions at Blarney’s Sports Bar and Grill that he was more than capable of handling a little spice, area man Jared Perkins was overheard saying “It’s not too bad” as the hot sauce he was eating began to disintegrate his lower jaw. According to sources, the 29-year-old choked…Read more...
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on (#66DZJ)
At least 50 of Twitter’s top 100 advertisers have left the platform since Elon Musk bought the social media site. The Onion asked prominent CEOs why their brands are no longer advertising on Twitter, and here’s what they said.Read more...
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on (#66DZK)
Five members of the fair-right group Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, were found guilty of seditious conspiracy and other offenses in connection with the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66DB6)
House Democrats chose caucus chair Hakeem Jeffries of New York to succeed Nancy Pelosi as leader of the Democrats in the chamber next year, a historic move that will make him the first Black person to lead one of the two major parties in either chamber of Congress. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#66D4R)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 13 games.Read more...
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on (#66CM8)
If you know someone who is for some reason afraid to sit for several hours in a thin metal tube traveling 35,000 feet above the ground, try to avoid saying these things.Read more...
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on (#66C0K)
AUSTIN, TX—Touting the feature as the perfect way to enjoy one’s fondest moments in the seconds before a fiery death, automaker Tesla rolled out an update Wednesday that displays pictures from the driver’s life on their dashboard just before the car explodes. “Our new Memories feature is our little way of…Read more...
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on (#66B9P)
Sometimes, it’s not so bad to work for the shitposter-in-chief. Here are the coolest things employees get who work for Elon Musk.Read more...
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on (#66A19)
Frontier Airlines is doing away with its customer service phone line in its latest cost-cutting measure, the company saying that most customers prefer communicating with service agents via digital channels like its website’s live chat or social media. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#664KS)
Traveling during this time of the year is always challenging. The Onion provides practical advice for how to tell your mom that you’re not coming home for the holidays.Read more...
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on (#663ZM)
The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office denied Mariah Carey’s application to trademark the moniker “Queen of Christmas,” which the singer hoped to use as branding for various products, after other artists who also claimed the title opposed it. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#663FS)
The Onion is graciously saving the entire world’s economy by giving away $8.3 trillion in NFTs. Get these jpegs while you can, because these one-of-kind cryptographic assets are the most valuable digital items ever known.Read more...
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on (#663AR)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Admitting she had never in her life used a product from her Fenty Beauty cosmetics line, Rihanna told reporters Tuesday that she just used whatever makeup was on sale at Walgreens. “Yeah, I just look for the yellow sale tags and throw whatever it is in my basket,” said the billionaire pop star, who…Read more...
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on (#663AS)
LANSING, MI—After waking from a nightmare and running down the hallway to their bedroom, local child Logan McMurray, 9, accidentally walked in on his parents failing to reignite the spark in their marriage, sources reported Tuesday. When the boy opened the door, his mother and father were said to be in the middle of…Read more...
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on (#662W8)
Elizabeth Holmes, founder of the failed start-up Theranos, has been sentenced to 11.25 years for fraud after deceiving investors about the purported efficacy of her company’s blood-testing technology. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#662XX)
In a display of his visionary management style, Elon Musk sent out his rules for “insane productivity” to all Twitter employees. The Onion examines each of the edicts and how they’ll help improve the social media’s site’s efficiency and output.Read more...
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on (#662S4)
SAN FRANCISCO—Drawing widespread condemnation for failing to abide by industry standard practices, Twitter CEO Elon Musk courted criticism Monday for firing thousands of employees at once rather than spending decades grinding them down into unrecognizable husks of their former selves. “It’s absolutely appalling that…Read more...
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on (#662EY)
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—In the hours following a violent rampage in Colorado in which a lone attacker killed at least five individuals and injured 25 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…Read more...
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on (#66270)
A new study found that sperm counts and concentration are down all over the world, decreasing by 62% since the 1970s, with some researchers warning that humans could face a reproductive crisis if action is not taken to tackle the drop in male fertility. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65Z9M)
A middle school teacher in Pflugerville, TX was fired after a video was posted to social media showing the white teacher telling his students his race “is the superior one.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65Z9N)
If you ever have the misfortune of having to talk to a fan of “the GOAT,” here are things you should never, ever say.Read more...
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on (#65YQJ)
Donald Trump, who tried to overthrow the results of the 2020 presidential election and inspired a deadly riot at the Capitol in a desperate attempt to keep himself in power, announced he is running for president again in 2024. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65YJZ)
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In an effort to one day place a permanent outpost in space, NASA confirmed Thursday that the recently launched Artemis I Mega Rocket was carrying mannequins to determine the viability of department stores on the moon. “Sending the three mannequins to the moon will tell us if we could one day…Read more...
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on (#65X01)
ORLANDO, FL—As part of an increase in programming aimed toward strengthening a relationship with a key demographic, a new Golf Channel show that debuted Tuesday night is reportedly just a 30-minute praising of the Saudi royals. “I can’t say enough about how much good the House of Saud has done for the sport of golf,…Read more...
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on (#65TAM)
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters it was the least he could do to honor the Americans who tragically lost their lives in the attacks, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced plans Monday to once again like porn on the anniversary of 9/11. “Next Sept. 11, I promise the American people that I will, just like I did several years ago,…Read more...
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on (#65Q77)
Voters in Pennsylvania reelected a dead House of Representatives member on Tuesday night, triggering a special election for a later date to fill the deceased Democrat’s seat. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65P1G)
WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Introducing a new mod for the latest installment in its flagship franchise, video game developer Infinity Ward announced Thursday it had added a premium skin for Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II that would only be available to customers who had killed someone in real life. “We want to reward our most…Read more...
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on (#65NBP)
Following a number of critical races that will determine the future of the country, The Onion examines the biggest winners and losers from the midterm elections.Read more...
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on (#65N9B)
People magazine named Captain America star Chris Evans as this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65N6Y)
NEW YORK—Following reports of the first-ever mass layoffs at Facebook parent company Meta, sources confirmed identical twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss spent a joyous Wednesday afternoon jerking each other off. “Make pleasure of me as we rejoice in Zuckerberg’s demise, my dear brother,” Tyler Winklevoss said as he…Read more...
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on (#65MY3)
MOCKSVILLE, NC—Pledging that he would work to unite rather than divide following his election victory, Senator-elect Ted Budd (R-NC) vowed Wednesday to still fight for billionaires who didn’t funnel dark money into his campaign. “I want to thank all the ultra-wealthy people who did help me win by donating through a…Read more...
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on (#65MMF)
If you know someone who plans on saving sex for marriage, here are the things you should absolutely say to them.Read more...
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on (#65MMJ)
PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to an outpouring of criticism across the tech industry, officials at software company Emergent AI confirmed Wednesday that they had fixed a bug causing their photo app to treat black users equally. “Unfortunately, we didn’t catch the glitch before several hundred users of color received…Read more...
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on (#65KNE)
LEAGUE CITY, TX—Noting that the clearly flustered man had zero idea what to do or say, local voter Raleigh Jenkins told reporters Tuesday that the elderly poll watcher he encountered was doing a slow, confused job of intimidating voters. “This morning, what should have been a very fast process took forever because the…Read more...
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