The Onion

WASHINGTON-Having been alive as far back as 1933, Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California, a trailblazer in being old, died Thursday night at age 90. Sen. Feinstein, born Dianne Goldman, started off young but through hard work and dedication rose through the ranks to become very, very old," said the late Democrat's chief...Read more...

Dianne Feinstein, who served as a senator of California since 1992, died Thursday night at the age of 90. The Onion looks back at 31 years of Feinstein becoming elderly while in office.Read more...

With news spreading that pop star Taylor Swift is dating Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, The Onion asked Chiefs fans what they thought about the power couple, and this is what they said.Read more...

FERNDALE, CA-Trying to ignore the awkward display of affection being carried out between the two, 15-year-old Scott Barnard reported Friday that his sister Tabitha was just sitting on her boyfriend's lap in front of the whole family during dinner. We haven't even finished our meal yet, and they're all over each other...Read more...

Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better. Back deck with light wood rot an ideal place to fantasize about a superior domicile.

WASHINGTON-Unveiling a commemorative series created in honor of the nation's most renowned pedophiles, the U.S. Mint announced the release Friday of a new collection of coins that featured a child molester from every state in the union. This fun, collectible currency showcases each state's most iconic child sexual...Read more...

MONROVIA, CA-Announcing that renovations had been made to all 560 locations, grocery chain Trader Joe's confirmed this week that they had added fitting rooms so customers could see how their food would look in their mouths. Too often, a customer will arrive back home with their fresh Trader Joe's finds only to...Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming the plan would ensure benefits went toward those who truly needed them, a new proposal by San Francisco Mayor London Breed would require Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients to demonstrate starvation-induced organ failure. Starting today, all those applying for food stamp...Read more...

A pair of front-row balcony tickets to Ford's Theatre on April 14, 1865-the night President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth-sold at auction for $262,500. What do you think?Read more...

Canadian officials are apologizing to Jewish communities after honoring a Ukrainian-Canadian veteran who belonged to a Nazi division in WWII with a standing ovation during Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky's visit. What do you think?Read more...

BRISTOL, CT-Reflecting on the life experiences that made him the person he is today, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith recalled Wednesday a tough childhood in which he had to debate gang members. It was hell, man-I remember these thugs cornering me outside my high school, shoving me against the wall, and challenging...Read more...

WASHINGTON-In a finding that sheds light on the particular concerns and interests of the Founding Fathers, historians at the National Archives revealed this week that the original draft of the U.S. Constitution included 593 mentions of spiders. Early renditions of the Constitution show us that James Madison and the...Read more...

NEW YORK-TikTok has reportedly generated support and approval this week with its feel-good new ad campaign featuring a stalker who would have never met his child bride without the app. Thanks, TikTok-because of you, I found my virgin bride," said the thirtysomething TikTok user, referring to the visibly frightened...Read more...

This three-bed, two-bath early '70s split-level ranch has witnessed eight births and three deaths over two generations. Perfect for the misanthrope who desires a tangential connection to humanity.Read more...

GATLINBURG, TN-Having assessed the evidence in the couple's wedding photos, sources reported Monday that local man Kevin Butryn appeared to have locked down his marriage proposal to wife Sandra Lewis just as his hair loss was becoming noticeable. Whoa, check out that receding hairline! He just made it in by the skin...Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO-Rolling their eyes as the tulip poplar they sat beneath began to rustle Monday, local witnesses reported that a wildly flailing tree was exaggerating its reaction to what was nothing more than a gentle breeze. Ugh, can you believe the theatrics?" said sighing onlooker Darrell Denton, who stood up and...Read more...

American painter Bob Ross's first ever painting that he did on the first episode of his television show The Joy Of Painting is now being sold for $9.8 million at a gallery in Minneapolis. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON-Spelling trouble ahead of the 2024 election, Democratic National Committee officials were reportedly concerned Monday after a new poll showed that only 15% of Americans have heard of the name Joe Biden. A full 85% of American voters just looked at us with a blank expression on their faces when met with the...Read more...

Republicans are denouncing Majority Leader Chuck Schumer's decision to loosen the Senate's informal dress code, claiming that allowing casual clothing on the Senate floor disrespects the institution they serve. What do you think?Read more...

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-A pleasant, faraway expression overcoming his face, local father Matthew Worley reportedly smiled Friday as he imagined his 18-year-old son Mason off at college playing video games alone just like he did when he was in school. He's probably in his dorm right now as we speak, locking the door to his...Read more...

WASHINGTON-In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. In the past week, I've heard from many supporters who were concerned by...Read more...

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WASHINGTON-In an effort to consolidate its influence over the rest of the population, the U.S. gerontocracy tightened its grip on power Friday by executing 20-year-old pop star Olivia Rodrigo. Heed our word, lest you meet the same fate as this Rodrigo," said Senate Minority Leader and Silent Generation member Mitch...Read more...

Following the 92-year-old's announcement that he was retiring from the Fox and News Corporation boards, The Onion asked Fox News viewers what they thought about Rupert Murdoch stepping down, and this is what they said.Read more...

PragerU, an education nonprofit with a large online following, has recently been in the spotlight after its videos were approved for use in Florida, Oklahoma, and New Hampshire public schools. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about PragerU.

SEATTLE-Sitting up with a terrified gasp as the realization shook her from her sleep, local woman Sarah Ostrowski reportedly woke up in a cold sweat Friday worried that her cat didn't know how cute he was. Oh my dear God, what if Winston is out there alone in the kitchen and no one remembered to tell him that he's an...Read more...

The man whose life inspired the film Sound Of Freedom about fighting child sex trafficking has reportedly stepped away from his watchdog organization after an internal investigation into sexual misconduct allegations brought by seven women. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK-Alleging massive systemic theft" of his original work, bestselling fantasy author George R.R. Martin filed a federal lawsuit against OpenAI this week after its artificial-intelligence interface ChatGPT mentioned incest. I practically invented incest, and it is a theme at the heart of all my books," said...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying he needed them for war. We really need a bunch of these staplers for the...Read more...

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While Donald Trump has yet to pick a running mate for 2024, several notable individuals are aggressively vying for the role. The Onion asked Republicans why they should be Trump's VP, and this is what they said.Read more...

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SPOKANE, WA-No longer able to suppress their percolating irritation with the self-described culinary prodigy," local couple Kevin Cochran and Tina Hayes reportedly ended their mutual silent treatment Thursday to bond over their shared disdain for an arrogant Chopped contestant. That dude's, like, 23 and thinks he's...Read more...

BOSTON-Challenging the alleged benefits of the practice as touted in the press and by social media influencers, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Hematology concluded that drinking children's blood is no more likely to lead to eternal life than drinking regular blood. When it comes to attaining...Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA-In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough in the field of geological research, scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday they had discovered that the Earth's core can play Blu-rays. As far as we can tell, since its formation approximately 1 billion years ago, the...Read more...

Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes has reportedly made friends with ex-Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City Star Jen Shah in prison, with Shah's reps claiming they're both rehabilitating and have bonded over being on this journey of positive change." What do you think?Read more...

Following a recent TikTok trend that revealed men frequently think about the Roman Empire, The Onion asked men to explain why they are obsessed with the Roman Empire, and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW YORK-Noticing the prevalence of the idiosyncratic plopping noise throughout the slow jam, sources reported Wednesday that the writers and producers of an R&B song had clearly started with a drip sound effect and worked backwards. I mean, of course you hear the drums and keys layered in, but they definitely sound...Read more...

BAR HARBOR, ME-As he shifted his feet impatiently and tried to pass the time until his hiding spot was discovered, sources confirmed Wednesday that annoyed serial killer Ernest Vershbow was starting to worry the woman he lay in wait for was never going to check behind the shower curtain. For the past 20 minutes, I've...Read more...

ATLANTA-Referring to the prevalence of the condition in the United States as both widespread and dire, a new obesity study released Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control found that 36% of Americans were one deep breath away from their pants popping open. Our data shows that for more than a third of the...Read more...

PRINCETON, NJ-After studying the family's genetic abnormalities over the course of many generations, a team of Princeton University researchers concluded in a paper published Wednesday that the Habsburg family stopped inbreeding one generation short of producing the perfect human specimen. Sadly, while they didn't...Read more...

CHICAGO-Locked in what couldn't exactly be called a power struggle, local man Joe Horochowski confirmed Tuesday that his archrival Kyle Wall was not successful either. I always dreaded things working out for him more than me, but, honestly, it's hard to tell who's doing worse," said Horochowski, who worked as a clerk...Read more...

GREEN BAY, WI-Eager to move past the fundamentals and dive into more complex territory, impatient guitar student Justin Howard reportedly asked his instructor Tuesday how long it would be until he got to sleep with teenagers. Yeah, I think I've got the G-C-D chord stuff covered-I'm just wondering how quickly we...Read more...

Over a dozen MGM Hotels & Casinos have had to shut down operations after a cyberattack on its computer systems left the resort chain vulnerable, with outages impacting ATMs, slot machines, restaurants, and digital room keys. What do you think?Read more...

WESTERVILLE, OH-Saying he would always wish he could have been in two places at once on Jan. 6, 2021, local man Dennis Karpinsky told reporters Tuesday he was ultimately grateful he chose to go to his high school friend Henry Hardwick's wedding instead of the Capitol riot. At first, when I saw how much fun people had...Read more...

BRISTOL, CT-Following a standout week-two performance in which the rookie put up 172 combined rushing and receiving yards, ESPN commentators hailed Atlanta Falcons running back Bijan Robinson this week as a generational talent who will be out of the league in three years. Only two games into his NFL career, Robinson...Read more...

Following a slew of rape and sexual assault allegations against the actor, comedian, and podcast host, a number of men's rights activists defended Russell Brand.Read more...

A UFO hearing in Mexico's congress that featured the presentation of alleged remains of non-human beings is facing backlash, with critics labeling it a stunt" similar to past findings that turned out to be fakes or the remains of actual mummified human children. What do you think?Read more...

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL-Taking time to help the boy understand the ways in which they were a little bit different than most families, local parents Amanda and Michael Sayers sat their adopted child down Monday to explain why he was so much uglier than them. Now that you're getting older, you might have noticed that Mommy...Read more...

NEW YORK-Readers across the country were reportedly criticizing The New York Times Monday for publishing a positive article about the leadership of Saudi Arabia that failed to disclose that every editor on the newspaper's staff was dating Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. Our article about the rise of freedom...Read more...