The Onion

CLEVELAND—Representing just one couple among millions who fall prey to the scam every year, Annalise and Patrick Callahan confirmed Monday they had lost their life savings after getting tricked into having their baby at the hospital. “These so-called healthcare officials assured us this was a safe and smart place to…Read more...

HOUSTON—Calling on the community for assistance in closing an unsolved case, Houston police chief Jeff Sommer asked the public Monday for its help in falsifying a police report that would implicate local 24-year-old Terrence Carter in the crime. “In order to wrongfully accuse a suspect and take him into custody, we…Read more...

While European companies have begun experimenting with four-day workweeks, American companies have yet to adopt the practice. The Onion asked American CEOs to explain why they oppose a shorter workweek, and this is what they said.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Sighing as he hid another pair of soiled pajamas deep in his hamper, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) confirmed Friday that on top of everything else that had been going on, he was also wetting the bed again. “Jesus, this is the absolute last thing I need! This has been the worst week of my life,” said the…Read more...

BOSTON—Putting his headphones over his ears and taking a deep breath, local man Dalton Griffith was reportedly listening to his pump-up playlist at the gym Friday to get the courage to take off his shirt in the locker room. “I got this,” said Griffith, who turned up the volume on the DMX song from his carefully…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Defying speculation that the 118th Congress would get little accomplished during its term, the incredibly productive House of Representatives assembled Thursday for its eighth vote in just three days. “Less than 72 hours into the new session, and they’ve already held seven votes—these committed…Read more...

Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 18 games.Read more...

AKRON, OH—During a press conference in which they described the game as the best option available for passing the long hours their parents spent drinking at bars, children of the nation’s alcoholics announced Thursday that they might as well get really good at pool. “Our moms and dads just ordered their fourth round,…Read more...

Americans all across the country love to stuff their dumb fucking faces. The Onion examines the favorite snack in every state.Read more...

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NEW YORK—The NFL community was rocked by another disclosure of a devastating brain injury Wednesday after commissioner Roger Goodell announced that thinking too hard about football had given him CTE. “It is with sadness that I tell you league doctors have diagnosed me with chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a condition…Read more...

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on what happens to humans after they die, a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Neurology found that the nightmares will never cease, not even in death. “For decades, the consensus among scientists was that once life ended, the nightmares would end too, but new data confirms we…Read more...

GLENDALE, AZ—After receiving surgery to repair a torn ACL, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray reportedly vowed Wednesday that he was doing everything possible to get back on Xbox Live. “It’s been really difficult not to be out there competing in the Call Of Duty battle royale with my fellow gamers, but I’m…Read more...

New York has become the latest state to ban the sale of cats, dogs, and rabbits in pet stores, passing a law that will take effect in 2024 and target commercial breeding operations decried by critics as “puppy mills.” What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Banging his head against the top of the dome in the rotunda, newly sworn-in Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) told reporters Wednesday he was struggling to adapt to the size of the Capitol Building. “I didn’t think the transition from small-town Pennsylvania would be easy, but I wasn’t expecting to have to grease…Read more...

BOISE, ID—Tugging on the leash with a groan while walking his easily distracted dog, local man Kenneth Granger announced Monday that he would be the judge of what warranted sniffing. “Come on, no, you do not need to smell that fence again,” said a visibly annoyed Granger, noting that he found nothing particularly…Read more...

CHICAGO—Promising their groans would reverberate throughout the restroom, the nation’s men in public bathroom stalls held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to breathe really loudly. “If you hear heavy mouth-breathing coming from behind this door, rest assured, that is us,” said a red-faced, profusely…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the events that transpired after the crucifixion of the religious figure, biblical archaeologists from the University of Oxford announced Monday they had uncovered a 2,000-year-old poster-board photo collage that was displayed at the funeral of Jesus Christ. “This ancient tribute to the…Read more...

A pair of white, heavy-duty miner’s pants pulled from a 1857 shipwreck, which auction officials described as the oldest known pair of jeans in the world, have sold at auction for $114,000. What do you think?Read more...

KENT, WA—Touting the new line of chewable tablets as a cold-weather essential for outdoor gastric activity, retailer REI announced Monday that it had begun offering a new line of fleece supplements designed to insulate the digestive tract. “Just in time for those chilly winter hikes and camping trips, we’re…Read more...

If you know someone who stans the almighty Meme Lord and CEO of the Boring Company Elon Musk, here are things you should never say.Read more...

New Zealand has passed into law a unique plan to phase out tobacco smoking by imposing a lifetime ban on buying cigarettes for anybody born on or after Jan. 1, 2009, meaning the minimum age will keep going up as time goes on. What do you think?Read more...

South Korea passed laws to scrap its traditional method of counting ages, in which citizens are deemed to be a year old when born with a year added every Jan. 1, and adopt the international standard, causing everyone to lose one or two years of age. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Circulating the image widely, local police released a composite sketch Friday of what the department preferred the murder suspect they were hunting to look like. “We’ve been able to put together this photo-realistic drawing of the murderer based on what witnesses have told us, as well as what we think…Read more...

CHAMPAIGN, IL—After failing to identify the legal owner within the standard 90 days, police officials announced Thursday that they would allow a local jogger to keep the body she found since no one claimed it. “We held it in lost and found for the mandatory waiting period, but no one turned up to claim it or even…Read more...

A new census report shows that England is no longer majority Christian, with those claiming Christianity falling from 59% in 2011 to 46%, and citizens claiming no religion rising 12%. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Making use of a fully automated feature that enables the vehicle to release itself from the guilt and shame of past mistakes, a self-loving Tesla reportedly forgave itself Monday for running over a 6-year-old in a crosswalk on a residential street. “The AI operating system of this Tesla Model 3 allowed it to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Asserting that America’s favorite no-stick spray had a hidden benefit for younger customers, a new Pam ad campaign released this week reportedly reminded teens that Pam can get them high and was easy to obtain. “Hello, I’m going to cut to the chase for any young viewers watching: you can go out to a…Read more...

A London studio is offering to remove tattoos of the artist now known as Ye for free following a string of controversies surrounding the U.S. rapper. What do you think?Read more...

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A Cincinnati harm-reduction vending machine that stocks Narcan and fentanyl test strips for free to drug users has reportedly reversed nearly 600 overdoses. What do you think?Read more...

Gig economy workers may be subhuman, but they still deserve a modicum of respect. Here are things you should never say to your Amazon delivery driver.Read more...

MOKENA, IL—Badgering her son and daughter-in-law incessantly throughout the evening, local woman Rhonda Pearson reportedly wanted to know Monday when the couple was going to give her better grandchildren. “I’m just asking for one decent grandchild, that’s all I want,” said Pearson, who explained to the parents of…Read more...

Scientists revived a virus that had been trapped in Siberian permafrost for nearly 50,000 years, bolstering concerns that global warming will lead to ancient pathogens being released as higher temperatures lead to large swaths of permafrost melting. What do you think?Read more...

OLYMPIA, WA—Sneaking it out of the bag without rustling the plastic, local man Nick Juarez reportedly peeled the price tag off of a gift Friday before giving it to his dog. “I don’t want him to know how much I spent,” said Juarez, struggling to remove the sticker from a tag hanging off of a stuffed alligator, adding…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Touting the currency denomination’s ability to up the stakes of any financial transaction, the U.S. Treasury introduced new wild bills Friday that could be used for any dollar amount. “Starting today, the U.S. Treasury will release several wild bills that can be spent on anything from $1 to $10 to $10,000,”…Read more...

A powerful arctic winter storm making its way through the nation this week will evolve into a rapidly intensifying ‘bomb cyclone,’ with officials warning travelers of flight cancellations and dangerous traffic conditions in the days leading up to Christmas. What do you think?Read more...

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days, I wish someone had sat down and talked to me about the more dangerous…Read more...

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FINDLAY, OH—Clapping his hands with giddy excitement for the first big snow storm of the season, local man James Francis, who has no idea he will spend the holiday trapped in an overturned car, told reporters he is excited to have a white Christmas. “There’s absolutely nothing more magical than waking up, looking out…Read more...

A 97-year-old woman who worked as a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been convicted by a German court of being an accessory to the murder of more than 10,000 people. What do you think?Read more...

Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work making toys, loading his sleigh, and getting ready to deliver presents to all of his favorite children around the world! While so many of you have strived to make Santa’s good list this year, Old St. Nick…Read more...

Elon Musk recently posted a poll asking if he should step down as Twitter’s CEO and vowed to abide by the results. With users voting for Musk to relinquish the role, The Onion examines potential candidates to replace him.Read more...

Argentina defeated France in penalty kicks to win the 2022 World Cup, marking the first time since 1986 that the South American nation has won the title. What do you think?Read more...

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LONDON—In an effort to get past the acrimony stirred up by a recent Netflix documentary, Prince William and Prince Harry reportedly settled their dispute Monday by announcing arranged marriages between their children. “This allows us to put to rest all that nasty feuding and get down to what really matters, which…Read more...

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