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Panicked-Looking Guy Shifting Uncomfortably Outside Occupied Restroom Must Really Have To Masturbate
on (#6GDT5)
SANTA FE, NM-As the distressed and presumably very horny individual knocked frantically on the door, sources reported Thursday that panicked-looking local man Henry McDonald, who was seen shifting uncomfortably outside of an occupied public restroom, must really need to masturbate. Wow, from the way he's fidgeting, I...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-18 21:33 |
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on (#6GDT6)
MEMPHIS, TN-Wiping the tears from his eyes with one hand and using his phone's front-facing camera to take a selfie with the other, local widower Randall Selway was reportedly sobbing at his wife's funeral Thursday while creating a profile on eHarmony. My sweet Judith, she's gone, gone forever!" cried Selway, who...Read more...
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on (#6GCZV)
Can you effectively communicate with the zoomers, or will they mock your pathetic attempt? Take our quiz to learn how well you know Gen Z slang.Read more...
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on (#6GCTZ)
The Marvels, the latest installment in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, bombed at its opening weekend in the box office, making less than half of what Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania grossed earlier in the year and causing critics to question if MCU's 33 films are finally causing superhero fatigue" in audiences. What...Read more...
on (#6GBXR)
Sen. Joe Manchin, a moderate West Virginia Democrat, announced that he will not run for reelection next year, fueling speculation over whether he plans to mount a third-party White House bid and immediately complicating his party's chances of holding the Senate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GBDP)
LOS ANGELES-Following the conclusion of The Marvels, the latest film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, a post-credits scene teases a much better film that all the actors could've been in if the MCU didn't exist. After the credits rolled, the screen opened on a mature, compelling drama that featured Brie Larson and...Read more...
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on (#6GBD5)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-In an effort to showcase his commitment to conservative voters, the Ron DeSantis campaign released a disturbing new ad Monday that revealed the candidate was wearing a rubber diaper to focus on campaigning. As your president, my priority will be you-not whatever's been brewing inside my diaper for the...Read more...
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on (#6GBD6)
The Simpson's co-creator James L. Brooks recently clarified that despite criticism about domestic violence, Homer would not stop choking his son. The Onion asked Americans why Homer should still be able to strangle Bart, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GB1S)
Following a sexual abuse victim's lawsuit, the video chat platform Omegle, known for the tagline Talk to strangers," has ceased operation after 14 years of randomly pairing users for conversation. The Onion asked Omegle users what they thought about the site shutting down, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GB1V)
LOS ANGELES-In an effort to reframe the conversation by ending the discussion altogether, advocates across the country encouraged the public on Monday to stop using any term at all to refer to homeless people. Given the widespread chronic issue of unhoused individuals, we recommend that people who want to discuss the...Read more...
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on (#6GB1W)
CHICAGO-Blasting the writer for clearly abandoning his artistic ideals in pursuit of commercial success, sources confirmed Monday that sellout poet Cullen Quinn Roberts had earned over $150 in 2023 alone. God, this hack is practically rolling in it after having his chapbook Anagram Arpeggio published by a small...Read more...
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on (#6GB1Y)
CHICAGO-Unable to tell the group of acquaintances how he really earns his living, Meta employee Alex Kondell reportedly stated Monday that he works as a guard in a private prison for disabled children. I actually left Meta forever ago-yeah, I'm much happier now, " said Kondell, who, too ashamed to admit he stills...Read more...
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on (#6G9G9)
Three giant pandas departed the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington, D.C. back to China, an indication of colder ties between the two nations and marking the end of more than 50 years of Chinese pandas being housed at the zoo. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6G9GA)
LOS ANGELES-With the child of Hollywood royalty clinching the role through the sheer force of genetics, the trailer for the new Pixar animated feature Inside Out 2 revealed this week that Maya Hawke will be voicing a new character called Nepotism. We're so lucky to have Maya playing a character who is spunky,...Read more...
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on (#6G9GB)
NEW YORK-Shedding new light on the upcoming screen adaptation of the beloved Broadway show, Tina Fey told reporters Friday that the Mean Girls movie musical would be a silent film. I understand that many were confused by the lack of songs when the trailer dropped on Wednesday, and I want to clarify that there is no...Read more...
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on (#6G9DG)
WASHINGTON-Expressing concern that the Green Party candidate might serve as a spoiler in next year's presidential election, critics warned Friday that Jill Stein's entry into the race could harm Cornel West's chances of getting elected to the White House in 2024. Jill Stein and her supporters need to think very...Read more...
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on (#6G9DJ)
QUEENS, NY-Emerging from the darkness in a dramatic act of menace, New York Mayor Eric Adams was reportedly already sitting in a turnstile jumper's apartment Friday when she entered her living room and turned on the light. Ah, yes, I've been waiting for you, Stephanie. My apologies, did I make you jump?" said Adams,...Read more...
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on (#6G9A9)
President Donald Trump took the witness stand this week to defend himself in a civil fraud trial brought by the New York state attorney general's office. The Onion offers a blow-by-blow account and the biggest takeaways of Trump's civil fraud testimony.Read more...
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on (#6G94N)
According to recent polling for the 2024 election, Donald Trump holds an edge over Joe Biden in five key swing states. The Onion asked voters how they felt about Trump's lead, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G92N)
AUSTIN, MN-Touting the product as an easy, delicious way to nourish a newborn, packaged meat processor Hormel Foods introduced a new chili formula Friday for mothers unable to produce their own chili. With Hormel's unique powdered chili formula, new mothers can ensure their baby gets all the essential beef, bean, and...Read more...
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on (#6G8J6)
UPPER ARLINGTON, OH-Struggling to let go of Nikki Haley's cruel words, Vivek Ramaswamy was reportedly lying in bed early Thursday morning staring up blankly at the ceiling as the words You're just scum, scum, scum, scum" echoed through his head. Ramaswamy is said to have turned onto his side and pressed a pillow over...Read more...
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on (#6G8B8)
WASHINGTON-Pushing through the measure in response to recent nationwide opinion polls, the U.S. House of Representatives voted Thursday to censure 66% of Americans for their antisemitic support of a ceasefire in Gaza. Today, this censure sends a clear message that our Congress will not tolerate the dangerous calls...Read more...
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on (#6G8B9)
COLUMBUS, OH-In a fiercely contested vote that had escalated tension among advocates on both sides of the issue, Ohio voters narrowly defeated a measure this week that would have required the government to detonate nuclear warheads throughout the state. What this outcome shows is that even in a highly polarized...Read more...
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on (#6G83Y)
EAST AURORA, NY-Describing the new product as a fun way to help infants and toddlers reach a key cognitive milestone, Fisher-Price released an updated toy smartphone Thursday that teaches children to screen all calls and assume they're coming from debt collectors. The latest iteration of our Laugh and Learn...Read more...
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on (#6G83Z)
A Hungarian study has found a direct association between celebrity worship and poorer performance on cognitive tests," with data showing high scores on the Celebrity Attitude Scale correlating with lower performance on the two cognitive ability tests. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6G840)
This week, Elon Musk introduced a beta version of an artificially intelligent chatbot named Grok" for some verified users of X, formerly known as Twitter. The Onion sat down for a conversation with the new AI, which was reportedly designed with wit and a rebellious streak, to test the features of this new large ...Read more...
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on (#6G7K5)
French president Emmanuel Macron announced that his government plans to submit a draft law in the coming days to enshrine abortion rights in the country's constitution. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6G7BX)
A new study found that participants who completed a variety of challenging tasks in a state of anger performed better than participants who felt other emotions such as sadness, desire, or amusement. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6G75J)
Living in the world's wealthiest and most powerful war machine, U.S. citizens have a unique perspective on how to blow their enemies off the face of the earth. The Onion asked Americans how they would end the conflict between Israel and Hamas, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G75K)
Uptight, fastidious, type-A personality seeks slovenly, carefree roommate to share apartment. Ideal applicant would only be able to put up with neurotic cleaning and constant nagging for so long before forcibly showing original tenant how to truly live life and have fun.Read more...
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on (#6G75N)
BOSTON-Overtaking Philadelphia for the top spot in the latest ranking published by U.S. News & World Report, Boston has been named the best city in which to vomit everywhere. An education hub with a vibrant sports culture and many historical attractions, Boston has earned its place atop our list as the nation's...Read more...
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on (#6G75P)
ST. CLOUD, MN-Wincing and gagging at the mere thought of consuming his nemesis, picky eater Daniel Welty refused to take a bite of the still-beating heart of his slain enemy, sources confirmed Wednesday. Young man, you're not getting up from this table until you at least try your defeated foe's pulsating heart," said...Read more...
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on (#6G75Q)
WASHINGTON-With shards of glass flying as the 2-year-old German shepherd crashed through a window, White House staff reportedly panicked Wednesday after an apparently unstoppable Commander Biden burst without warning into the Oval Office. No, boy, no-oh God!" a Secret Service agent screamed an instant before the...Read more...
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on (#6G6BZ)
BOULDER, CO-Despite having seen the parade of images in her feed whenever she logs on, local lesbian Marissa Hodges, 36, reportedly remained unaware Tuesday that her straight friend Lydia Galloway had been posting about actress Kristen Stewart on social media exclusively for Hodges' benefit. According to sources,...Read more...
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on (#6G69E)
In a recently surfaced video from 2022, House Speaker Mike Johnson reveals that he and his son use anti-porn software to monitor and eliminate each other's temptations to view erotica and sexually explicit material. The Onion asked porn stars what they thought about the speaker abstaining from porn, and this is what...Read more...
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on (#6G66W)
LONG ISLAND, NY-Decrying the stigma the film attached to a once-beloved species of fish, experts at the Coastal Research and Education Society released a report Tuesday blaming the 1975 blockbuster Jaws for transforming the public's perception of great white sharks from lovable household pets to bloodthirsty...Read more...
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on (#6G66X)
STURGEON BAY, WI-Drawing widespread condemnation for her brazen display of heartlessness, local mother Erin Markowitz reportedly let herself feel a moment of peace Tuesday a mere decade after her son's death. Jesus, all it takes is 10 years of therapy and constant mourning for your son, and suddenly you're fine...Read more...
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on (#6G66Y)
DAVIS, CA-Calling it the leading threat to the longevity of heterosexual relationships, psychologists at the University of California, Davis, told reporters Tuesday an overwhelming majority of intimate partnerships fall apart the moment a man playfully tries but fails to lift his girlfriend into the air. Once a man...Read more...
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on (#6G66Z)
The Beatles have released what they're calling the band's last song," titled Now And Then," with John Lennon and George Harrison making a posthumous appearance with the help of AI and archival recordings. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6G64S)
Aside from killing monkeys and destroying Twitter, Elon Musk has also had his sights set on something else: building Tesla's futuristic Cybertruck. The Onion asked Musk's fans why they want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a Blade Runner rip-off, and this is what they said.Read more...
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