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on (#6EAGA)
The Biden administration released its list of the first 10 drugs that Medicare will negotiate for price cuts with drugmakers, including some of the most widely prescribed or expensive drugs for conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune conditions. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-08 04:15 |
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on (#6EA1P)
EUGENE, OR-Detailing the cultural origins of an icon that is now most closely associated with Nazis, a historian told reporters Wednesday that Pepe the Frog actually dates back thousands of years and has a rich, storied history as a Hindu religious symbol. Long before his appropriation by white supremacists and...Read more...
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on (#6EA1Q)
PARKERSVILLE, MI-After conducting an investigation that concluded he must have been a certified dipshit, authorities confirmed local idiot kid Dylan Zwillet, 6, died Wednesday after being left in an unlocked car. It's always a tragedy when a child is forgotten and dies in a car on a hot day, but there's no way around...Read more...
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on (#6E90M)
TACOMA, WA-Saying the disturbing emotions continued to plague her well after the point at which they should have subsided, local mother Leah Andronico told reporters Tuesday that the urge to kill her children had lingered on far too long to be a symptom of postpartum depression. At first I thought my desire to choke...Read more...
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on (#6E8X0)
NEW YORK-Explaining that any absence must be arranged ahead of time by following proper company protocol as listed in the employee handbook, Ada Simmons, HR manager at Hadley Systematics, sent an email Monday reminding staff that a doctor's note was required to use the bathroom. We gently remind all staff that in the...Read more...
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on (#6E8S8)
Many public schools across the United States violate religious freedom laws by leading children in prayer and hanging the Ten Commandments in classrooms. The Onion asked Christians why they push Christianity in public schools, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E8S9)
NEW YORK-Following the successful rollout of the pitch clock this season, MLB officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 season would feature a second pitch clock. With quicker games leading to a majority of fans supporting the pitch clock, it only makes sense to keep doing what works, which is why all games will...Read more...
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on (#6E8SA)
BOCA RATON, FL-In an effort to re-enshrine his family's legacy in the art world following the removal of its name from a wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, billionaire former president of Purdue Pharma Richard Sackler revealed Monday that he was paying $1.5 billion to rename all of Pablo Picasso's works after...Read more...
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on (#6E83X)
WASHINGTON-In a troubling sign for the incumbent president, a new poll released Monday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans see President Joe Biden, 80, as too old to effectively lead a conga line. Our data indicated that among both registered and unregistered voters, Americans overwhelmingly believe...Read more...
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on (#6E7QH)
With the significant increase in deadly hurricanes, wildfires, droughts, heat waves, and floods, The Onion asked Americans how they would like to die in the climate apocalypse, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E7QJ)
DURHAM, NC-Appearing saddened as they explained it was a congenital defect and there was almost nothing they could do, doctors at Duke University Hospital expressed alarm Monday after early tests suggested that a pregnant woman was Black. We are so sorry, and we understand this is absolutely not the news you wanted...Read more...
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on (#6E7QK)
MOSCOW-Returning from beyond the grave to seek revenge on Vladimir Putin for the Russian president's suspected involvement in his untimely death, the late oligarch and Wagner Group founder Yevgeny Prigozhin has begun marching toward the Kremlin with an army of 25,000 undead soldiers, sources reported Monday. I live...Read more...
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on (#6E7QM)
JERSEY CITY, NJ-In the tragic wake of her unexpected passing, sources confirmed Monday that a grandmother's sudden death forced local parents Wilson and Patricia LaRusso to explain to their children what happens when you snitch. Well, buddy, Gran-Gran was a rat-do you know what that is?" Wilson LaRusso said as he and...Read more...
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on (#6E5VB)
Former president Donald Trump was booked at Fulton County Jail and was listed at a 6'3" and a dubious 215 pounds. The Onion asked Americans to guess Trump's weight, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E5VC)
Yevgeny Prigozhin, head of the Wagner mercenary group that started a short-lived mutiny against the Russian government two months ago, is believed to have been killed in a plane crash. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E5VD)
MEMPHIS, TN-In a bold move they said would give their franchise a much-needed reboot, Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy announced Friday that Michael Oher, the former offensive tackle and their quasi-adopted son, would be traded to a different white family. Oher has earned a distinguished record with our family, but we think...Read more...
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on (#6E5VE)
PLANO, TX-Citing faulty HVAC systems and temperatures over 100 degrees, Plano Independent School District in North Texas canceled classes Friday over concerns that the extreme heat made its campuses unsafe for mass shootings. We take the well-being of our students very seriously, which is why we have suspended...Read more...
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on (#6E5MK)
NOBLESVILLE, IN-Following his team's 27-13 victory over the Philadelphia Eagles, local Indianapolis Colts fan Ian McDonaugh told reporters that he wouldn't usually read into a preseason game but this one is different. Yeah, yeah, I know it's preseason, but Anthony Richardson is going to be a star from day one," said...Read more...
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on (#6E5MM)
CHICAGO-Touting it as the only tried and true" method for attending such expensive shows for free, local man Ian Procyk told reporters Friday he had managed to sneak into a musical festival by burying himself in the dirt at the event's outdoor location a week ahead of time. It was easy, really-all I had to do was...Read more...
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on (#6E5HX)
After Donald Trump surrendered at Fulton County Jail to face felony charges for his role in attempting to overturn the 2020 presidential election results in Georgia, The Onion asked Americans what they thought of the former president's mug shot, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E5F2)
With a slew of anti-LGBQT+ bills recently passed in red states, The Onion asked Republicans what they would do if their kid came out as gay, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E5F3)
NORTH HEMPSTEAD, NY-Expressing shock that her history curriculum had failed to include such a significant event from the nation's past, local woman Beth Hudson, 22, wondered aloud Friday why no class she took in her four years of high school ever mentioned that Nicole Kidman once dated Lenny Kravitz. When we got to...Read more...
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on (#6E5EM)
CAMDEN, NJ-Saying customers were ready for a rich, flavorful product they could keep in their mouth and savor as long as they pleased, broth manufacturer Swanson announced plans Friday to introduce its first bouillon chaw. When you tuck our bouillon chaw between your cheek and gum, you can enjoy the taste of...Read more...
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on (#6E5D6)
EVANSTON, IL-In the wake of several turbulent weeks in which multiple former players filed lawsuits against the school and head coach Pat Fitzgerald was fired, Northwestern Wildcats fans reportedly expressed hope Friday that a massive hazing scandal meant the school was finally getting serious about football. When I...Read more...
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on (#6E5D8)
BATESVILLE, AR-Holding his arm and trying not to cry as he walked nervously up to his supervisor, bleeding 9-year-old worker Blaine Wilkins reportedly asked Friday if he could go to the slaughterhouse nurse. Um, ma'am, I cut myself on the cow-slicing blade, and it hurts pretty bad," said Wilkins, who then held up his...Read more...
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on (#6E4ZT)
Sha'Carri Richardson won the women's 100-meter world title and set a new championship record in the process, two years after she tested positive for cannabis and was barred from competing in the Tokyo Olympics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E4S8)
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA-In an effort to educate students about sex and provide them with the correct tools, the University of Virginia confirmed Thursday that its campus health center had begun offering students free roofies. As a university, we feel it's our job to ensure students have access to Rohypnol pills in order...Read more...
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on (#6E4S9)
ATLANTA-After being indicted by a grand jury in Georgia for his attempts to overturn the 2020 presidential election, Donald J. Trump reportedly traveled to Atlanta Thursday and turned himself in to a Fulton County strip club. Trump, according to multiple witnesses, could be seen exiting his heavily barricaded...Read more...
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on (#6E4SA)
MILWAUKEE-Analyzing the behavior on display during Wednesday night's Republican presidential debate, a body language expert explained that the eight candidates who participated in the event had all just finished having sex with each other before they walked out on the stage. It's obvious from how many of them had...Read more...
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on (#6E4NH)
ATLANTA-Hopping from foot to foot in front of their laptop and phone screens in fevered anticipation of the former president's photo, the nation's liberals reportedly anxiously waited with unzipped pants Thursday for the moment they could finally jerk off to Donald Trump's mug shot. Oh Christ, come on already,...Read more...
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on (#6E4C7)
NEW YORK-Touting the breakthrough as a major step forward in primate research, scientists at Columbia University announced Thursday they had successfully taught a 7-year-old western lowland gorilla to buy beer for underage teens. Despite years of setbacks, we've finally trained a gorilla named Makuba to pick up a...Read more...
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on (#6E4C8)
TUCSON, AZ-Responding to a wave of hazing rituals that turned violent at the local chapter of Beta Theta Pi, the dean of students at the University of Arizona reportedly overreacted Thursday by shutting down the fraternity even though the pledge didn't die. I don't see what the big deal is-he's out of the ICU and...Read more...
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on (#6E4C9)
Billy McFarland, who went to federal prison for crimes related to 2017's infamous Fyre Festival, has announced that tickets for Fyre Festival 2 are now on sale for $499, though no dates, lineup, or location have been confirmed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E4BQ)
Rather than participate in the first GOP presidential debate, Donald Trump instead opted to appear in a pretaped interview with Tucker Carlson that will air at the same time. The Onion asked Trump supporters how they felt about the former president's interview, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E49V)
SALISBURY, MD-Saying the company maintained a strong commitment to sustainable agricultural practices, poultry processing conglomerate Perdue Farms pledged Tuesday to plant one chicken for every chicken it sold. As part of our broader efforts to be thoughtful, responsible stewards of our planet's natural resources,...Read more...
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on (#6E49W)
NEW YORK-Blaming his lack of experience with the confusing route, new Metropolitan Transit Authority train operator Sal Mazzara reportedly ended up lost Wednesday on some back-road tracks in the middle of nowhere. I never should have taken that shortcut at 72nd Street," said Mazzara, adding that he'd been trying to...Read more...
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on (#6E41S)
MILWAUKEE-In the wake of an aide's failed attempt to properly affix the patriotic symbol to the former New Jersey governor's lapel, a rapidly deflating Chris Christie was reportedly spotted whizzing around the GOP debate stage Wednesday after being popped with a U.S. flag pin. Whooooaaaa, whoaaaaaaa, help...Read more...
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on (#6E3WV)
MILWAUKEE-Lining up in the hallway dressed in hospital gowns, Republican presidential candidates underwent mandatory genital checks ahead of their first debate Wednesday. Please state your name, date of birth, and gender," said the Republican National Committee's staff physician, who then put on glasses, snapped on...Read more...
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on (#6E3SM)
The first debate of the 2024 election cycle is unfortunately upon us, taking place in Milwaukee this evening and featuring eight of the qualifying Republican candidates. The ninth qualifying candidate, former President Donald Trump, will not attend. The Onion tells you what to expect from the first GOP debate of the...Read more...
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on (#6E3P6)
Eight candidates will participate in tonight's GOP presidential debate, though without the clear front-runner, former President Donald Trump, who says the public already knows who he is and therefore he doesn't need to attend. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E3BZ)
A zoo in Tennessee says it has welcomed a rare giraffe that does not have any spots, with experts confirming she may be the only solid-colored reticulated giraffe on the planet. What do you think?Read more...
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