 |
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-21 06:47 |
 |
on (#6BEC5)
Concertgoers say an attendee at a Los Angeles Philharmonic performance this past week reportedly had what one witness called “a loud and full-body orgasm” during Tchaikovsky’s Symphony No. 5. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6BDP1)
Thousands of film and television writers who are members of the WGA are on strike for the first time since 2007, a move that could bring an immediate halt to the production of many television shows and possibly delay the start of new seasons of others later this year. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6BDP2)
WASHINGTON—In a rare unanimous opinion that did not pertain to any case pending before them, the nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court issued a brief but official order Wednesday that stated, “We wear gold crowns now.” “In addition to our long black robes—which henceforth will be woven from the finest velvet and…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6BD86)
Republicans in Congress are attempting to use the debt ceiling standoff to push work requirements for food stamp recipients. The Onion asked politicians why they support the controversial bill, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6BD6A)
NORTH HAVEN, CT—With friends and family celebrating his storied life in the wake of his recent passing, sources confirmed this week that a local 89-year-old man left behind a rich history of processing and excreting nutrients. “Throughout his life, he almost never missed an opportunity to place food into his mouth,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6BD6C)
KINSHASA, ZAIRE—Ordering rescue helicopters to the long-fallen nation, U.S. personnel were reportedly evacuated from the Zaire embassy Wednesday amid the country not existing for over 25 years. “We have found it untenable to maintain a diplomatic presence in the central African nation of Zaire given the current state…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6BD4N)
HOUSTON—After the measure was fast-tracked through the city council, a new zoning law went into effect this week that requires all developers in Houston to put in 10 additional parking spaces for every parking space. “We’re dedicated to adopting urban planning strategies that ensure our community has access to a…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6BCD8)
LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing the negative effects the recent union action would have on the company, Netflix officials condemned the Writers Guild of America strike Tuesday for putting future show cancellations behind schedule. “We have dozens of shows already stuck in the early stages of the preproduction process, but…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6BC0B)
SKOKIE, IL—Rolling their eyes at the octogenarian’s exaggerated, feeble movements, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 89-year-old Melvin Dressel was being a little showy about how hobbled he was. “We get it, you use a cane,” said sources, who expressed their exasperation as they watched the osteoarthritis-riddled…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6BBYR)
Ron DeSantis, the rightwing governor of Florida, has been making headlines due to his ongoing feud with Disney and rumored presidential bid. The Onion sits down with the prominent Republican to discuss his political principles.Read more...
|
|
on (#6BBCD)
A Scottish ultramarathon runner who initially finished third in a 50-mile race in England was disqualified after officials discovered she had traveled in a car for a section of the course. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6BB8B)
WASHINGTON—Gesturing with a frail hand while shuddering under a blanket, President Joe Biden reportedly asked the nation Monday to come and sit by him and keep him company until the end. “Come, my hour draws near,” said Biden, who patted the couch cushion and spoke in a strained whisper as he urged all 330 million…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6BB8F)
SEATTLE—Feeling depressed in the midst of several recent personal and professional setbacks, local man Adam Jackson reportedly reminded himself Monday that he was merely going through a phase in which his life was imploding and it was all downhill from here. “I need to remember that everything happens for a reason,…Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
on (#6B89B)
WASHINGTON—Quietly applying to better jobs while still working her current one, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly asked a West Wing docent Friday if she could put him down as a reference. “Hey, James—it’s James, right?—would you be okay with me putting you down as a work reference on my résumé?” said Harris,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B89C)
MINNEAPOLIS—Breathing a deep sigh of relief, local driver Rob Glasser was reportedly thankful Friday after confirming the pedestrian he had struck with his car was just dented. “Well, thank God it’s nothing serious,” said Glasser, bending down to examine the small dent on the pedestrian’s forehead, which he noted…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B88Z)
PENBROOK, WA—Risking her life so that she might protect the promising young generation placed in her charge, brave local teacher Amanda Twilling reportedly rushed a mass shooter in her classroom Friday to save the life of Steven Citterton, a student she was trying to sleep with. “I wasn’t going to let a strong,…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6B7SV)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Overcome by anxiety after his frantic search turned up nothing, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper Jr. reportedly panicked Thursday after realizing he left his NFL Draft big board in an Uber. “Shit, shit, shit, I knew I shouldn’t have set it down on the seat beside me,” said Kiper, trying to piece together another…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B7MR)
NEW YORK—In an effort to help the team that recently traded for him, quarterback Aaron Rodgers is said to have urged the New York Jets to trade all of their draft picks Thursday after his numerological study revealed terrible omens. “Whatever you do, you cannot, I repeat, cannot, use the 15th pick—using the 15th pick…Read more...
|
|
on (#6B7K0)
Pope Francis will allow women to participate in an upcoming assembly of bishops as voting members for the first time this year, in his latest move to increase the presence of women in leadership roles in the Catholic Church. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B7K1)
CHARLESTON, SC—Assuring the White House hopeful that his polling so far had been largely positive, the chair of Republican Sen. Tim Scott’s exploratory committee mentioned Thursday that GOP voters did have one big reservation about him, but that he didn’t want to say what it was. “Overall, there was plenty of…Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#6B735)
LA CROSSE, WI—In a formidable display of her newly acquired knowledge, local School of the Art Institute of Chicago freshman Laura Sellers excitedly told her parents all about the color blue when she was back home for a visit Thursday. “So, blue is a color—it’s sort of like purple, but completely different,” said…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B736)
MUSTIQUE ISLAND, WEST INDIES—Expressing gratitude for a chance to finally get away from their hectic lives and actually relax for once, wealthy couple George and Jillian Wheelan told reporters Thursday they were taking a real vacation for the first time in weeks. “I can’t believe we waited so long to pull the trigger,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B737)
WASHINGTON—Rushing at top speed to prevent the 7-year-old from taking what was rightfully hers, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly shoved a child out of the way Thursday to get at a quarter on the sidewalk. “Out of my fucking way, you little pissant,” said a visibly determined Yellen, who was seen throwing the…Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#6B6ZS)
According to a new study, nearly 72% of college students surveyed report that the reproductive health laws in the state where their school is located are important to their decision to stay enrolled. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B6ZT)
While it took our reporters several minutes to remind the lawmakers who they were, The Onion eventually asked senators why it was acceptable to have dementia in office, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B6ZV)
SAN DIEGO—With the swirling mass of discarded plastic now a colossal and permanent fixture of the ocean, a promising new report published Tuesday by researchers at the University of California, San Diego, has found that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch could support a full-scale ground war by 2040. “After extensive…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B6CH)
EL DORADO, AR—Leaving the three children in a cramped, airless cabin with 50 bunk beds and no running water, Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly dropped her kids off Wednesday at a summer work camp. “Have fun at the oil refinery!” said Sanders, reminding her children to write to their mother if they had…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B69X)
President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that he’ll run for reelection in 2024 despite consistently low approval ratings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of the president running for reelection.
|
 |
 |
on (#6B69Z)
WILMINGTON, DE—Describing how she had hit the ground running in managing the incumbent’s 2024 bid, President Joe Biden’s campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodríguez said Wednesday that her job mainly involved figuring out who exactly the president meant by “Buster.” “It’s been a whirlwind couple of days that have…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B67E)
LAS VEGAS—Debuting the high-budget sequel at this year’s CinemaCon, director Dennis Villeneuve confirmed Wednesday that Dune: Part Two will pick up right where viewers fell asleep during the first one. “I think audiences are going to love this installment, which continues the epic tale from the exact moment 30 minutes…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B6CJ)
SKOKIE, IL—Letting out a long, resigned sigh as he once again rewatched his favorite episode, local Ted Lasso fan James Raleigh told reporters Wednesday that he had a sinking feeling that the show was for losers. “Oh, no, this show makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and brings me genuine joy, but is that because…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B67F)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to soothe public worry about how tech giants handled user information, social media platforms reassured the nation Wednesday that they were only selling everyone’s data to one creepy guy. “We know everyone is under the assumption that their private data is being sold to companies, advertisers,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B654)
On April 24, Tucker Carlson was abruptly fired from his position as a Fox News host. The Onion sits down with the conservative political commentator to discuss what happened.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B5WE)
WASHINGTON—During a tour of the Holocaust Memorial Museum that gave him occasion to consider how he might have acted in the face of grave injustice, D.C. tourist Tyler Henley told reporters Thursday he was confident that if he had lived in Nazi Germany he would turn Jews in out of fear. “If it really came down to it,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B5WF)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Digging through case files for something extra tasty, the Food and Drug Administration informed consumers Wednesday that it could definitely go for evaluating a big bag of chips right now. “Oh, man, I’d kill to evaluate a huge bag of sour cream and onion chips or something,” said FDA agent Kevin…Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#6B5RN)
The winner of a major photography award has refused his prize after revealing he created his work using AI to test the competition and to create a discussion about the future of photography. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6B5RP)
BOSTON—Insisting that the former talk show host make amends for the real harm she had caused, laser-focused liberal Greg Lomax was reportedly still devoting all his attention this week to getting Ellen DeGeneres to apologize. “Until the day I die, I will not veer in my mission to see her issue a sincere apology for…Read more...
|