The Onion

A leaked memo from the Never Back Down super PAC provided a helpful plan of action for Gov. Ron DeSantis to follow during Wednesday night's debate. The Onion examines the best strategies from the document.Read more...

WHEATON, IL-Adjusting their white eyeliner and iridescent lip gloss before approaching the podium, the nation's older sister's friends officially unveiled plans Wednesday to split a single cigarette among nine of them. We're going to sneak out after dark and meet in the bushes to smoke it," said teenage sister Tiff...Read more...

AMARILLO, TX-After she was forced to carry her nonviable pregnancy to term in accordance with the state's highly restrictive abortion ban, sources reported Wednesday that Texas doctors crowded around to observe the fucked-up thing a local woman had been legally required to give birth to. My God...what...what are we even...Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO-Saying the breakthrough had tremendous disruptive potential, a group of Silicon Valley investors on Tuesday touted a man who shows up to steal one of your bones as a bold new tech innovation. We're backing this tech because we believe it will completely change the way people think about their bones,...Read more...

After former President Donald Trump was indicted by a Georgia grand jury, his supporters found and published the names and addresses of the jury's members. The Onion asked Trump supporters why they posted the jurors' personal information online, and this is why they said.Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA- Trying not to roll their eyes as the doting mother went on and on about her child, sources confirmed Tuesday that local woman Corinne Lesseder spent the whole eulogy yammering about her kid. I'm not keeping time, but she's been talking uninterrupted about nothing but Callen, Callen, Callen' for...Read more...

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College can provide a rich, rewarding experience for students if they really prioritize materialism and bring cool stuff. Here is The Onion's essential college shopping guide.Read more...

While acknowledging their existence or uttering a single word isn't recommended, here is what you should definitely never say to your freshmen-year roommate.Read more...

A new study has found that the wealthiest 10% of Americans are responsible for almost half of planet-heating pollution in the United States, in part because of the fossil fuels generated by companies they invest in. What do you think?Read more...

A leaked strategy memo from a Ron DeSantis-supporting super PAC suggested the Florida governor take a sledgehammer" to presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy and defend former President Donald Trump during this week's GOP primary debate. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX-Discovering a clear link between obsessively reflecting on appreciating assets and overall contentment, a study published Monday by the University of Texas found that living a happy life was strongly correlated to thinking about property values all the time. Our data clearly indicates a direct relationship...Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO-In one of a slew of major changes to hit the social media site, owner Elon Musk confirmed Monday that the homepage for X, formerly known as Twitter, would now feature a photo of an erect penis that was impossible to close out of. From an intuitive perspective, not having a hard, veiny cock on the...Read more...

LAHAINA, HI-Beaming as he thrust a shovel into the ground of the charred and tangled wreckage, President Joe Biden visited Maui Monday to promote the island's new multibillion-dollar devastation. Today, I am honored as your president to break ground on this brand-new, state-of-the-art swath of twisted metal and ash,"...Read more...

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The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled in favor of a Catholic school that terminated an unmarried pregnant teacher for having premarital sex, saying religious entities can use religious tenets as exceptions to state employment law. What do you think?Read more...

GREEN BAY, WI-In an act demonstrating clear confidence and pride in his own worth, self-respecting man Evan Landry reportedly heated up his leftovers from Garcia's Mexican Restaurant in the microwave on Monday. I could just dig into this leftover burrito bowl cold, but I'm a grown man and I love myself," said...Read more...

SEYMOUR, IN-Expressing astonishment over her husband's about-face regarding the root vegetable, local mother Connie Keeley reportedly told her children Monday that she was proud of their father, Paul, 56, for trying a sweet potato. You won't believe this, but the other day I asked your father if he wanted to try a...Read more...

NEW YORK-Finding that every single one of the resumes had exactly what the company was looking for, job recruiter Karl Bonilla was reportedly combing through an exciting pool of the CEO's nephews this week. The CEO has a lot of relatives, so this is going to be a hard choice," said Bonilla, adding that each candidate...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Looking down at his feet while addressing the nation, the U.S. Sad Sack General made a rare public appearance Monday to announce that he'll be in his room, not that anyone cares. Yeah, so, that's where I'll be-not that anyone ever tries to find me," said Joe Davis, the sighing government official in charge...Read more...

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Americans across the country primarily rely on higher education to learn that they are dumb and broke. The Onion examines the most popular college major in every state.Read more...

The transition to college life can be tough on even the most prepared among us. Here's a quiz to test whether you're ready to head off to higher ed!Read more...

The GOP-controlled Alabama state legislature refused to create a second majority-Black congressional district, resisting a recent order by the U.S. Supreme Court to give minority voters fairer representation and renewing the battle over the state's political map. What do you think?Read more...

Country singer Oliver Anthony made waves across the music industry when his song Rich Men North Of Richmond," which contains lyrics that appear to be veiled allusions to QAnon conspiracy theories, recently went viral. The Onion asked right-wingers why they love Anthony's controversial song so much, and this is what...Read more...

HOWELL, MI-Stressing that the youngster had really gotten himself into hot water this time, local mother Sarah Hendricks insisted to her 5-year-old son on Friday that he would be in big trouble if she survived her gunshot wound. I swear, Tyler, I'm going to count to three, and then you better put the safety back...Read more...

MOSCOW-Warning that President Volodymyr Zelensky should think carefully about the repercussions of changing his country's college football conference alignment, Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly vowed retaliation Friday should Ukraine ever become a member of the Big Ten. There is absolutely no reason why...Read more...

BROOKLYN-Heralding dramatic upcoming changes to the community, local sources confirmed Friday that a soot-covered ragamuffin moving into the neighborhood suggested the area was about to undergo an industrial revolution. Great, now they're going to start opening a bunch of industrial mills and stimulate the rapid...Read more...

LONDON-Interviews with fans of the team ahead of their finals match against Spain reportedly found that England's Women's World Cup success was inspiring a new generation of young girls to become hooligans. Watching those ladies kick ass on the pitch really motivated me to go knock out someone's teeth," said Sophie...Read more...

NASHVILLE-Sources confirmed Friday that MLS commissioner Don Garber has been flooded with dozens of calls over the past few weeks from Major League Soccer parents complaining that Leo Messi is too advanced for their sons' league. It's just not fair-ever since Leo joined that Miami team they've been unstoppable, and...Read more...

VATICAN CITY-As youthful vigor rapidly returned to the supreme pontiff, Pope Francis reportedly appeared 40 years younger Friday after finally masturbating for the first time. Since finally pleasuring myself after all these years, I look and feel better than I ever have!" said the spry 86-year-old pope, who now had a...Read more...

A damning video from 2020 recently surfaced of Roger Stone plotting to overturn the presidential election. The Onion examines the most shocking moments from the video.Read more...

NEW YORK-In what is being hailed as a major medical breakthrough, doctors at NYU Langone Health announced Thursday that they had successfully transplanted an entire living pig into a patient. After an eight-hour operation, we were able to place the 10-pound animal into the human abdomen for the first time with no...Read more...

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Michael Oher, the retired NFL offensive lineman whose life story was the subject of hit 2009 movie The Blind Side, has petitioned a Tennessee court, alleging that the family who took him in never legally adopted him and only did so to profit at his expense. What do you think?Read more...

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JACKSON, MI-Desperately scouring the post-apocalyptic landscape for his next meal, a lone survivor wandering Friday through a radiated wasteland in the year 2142 reportedly regretted not meeting his Q3 benchmark. This is what I get for not taking click-through rates and SEO seriously," said 37-year-old Donald Moore,...Read more...

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EUGENE, OR-Warning the 32-year-old man that you couldn't trust anyone nowadays, local mom Sandy Fremont reportedly begged her adult son on Thursday to be careful" while going to use a restaurant bathroom. Please, son, I know you're responsible, but I've read some stories about restrooms that would scare the bejeezus...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Defending Maestro star Bradley Cooper against widespread criticism of his portrayal of the famed Jewish composer, Leonard Bernstein's children released a statement Thursday confirming that their father wore a big prosthetic nose in real life. Dad used to wear his gigantic prosthetic nose practically 24/7;...Read more...

PYONGYANG-Stressing that the escaped 1st Armored Division private had proven himself time and again, North Korea officials confirmed Thursday that U.S. soldier Travis King was now in charge of their government. Of course, we were initially skeptical of an American in our ranks, but Supreme Leader King has...Read more...

Wildfires have been raging since last week in Maui, HI, causing the deadliest wildfire outbreak in America in over a century. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Maui wildfires.Read more...

Former president Donald Trump and 18 co-conspirators were indicted in the state of Georgia for attempting to overturn the 2020 election. The Onion asked Republicans how they felt about Trump's fourth indictment, and this is what they said.Read more...

YOUNGSTOWN, OH-Midway through a tour of a construction site partially funded by the Inflation Reduction Act, President Joe Biden reportedly fell Wednesday into a cement mixer. See, this is the kind of building we used to do in America, the kind we can do again thanks to the IRA, and if you just-whoaahoaaahoaaa,"...Read more...

GUANTANAMO, CUBA- In recognition of the pivotal role the structure has played in America's legacy, sources confirmed Friday that Guantanamo Bay Detention Center would remain open indefinitely after earning national historic landmark status. We want to honor the incredible contribution this detention camp has made in...Read more...

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NEW CASTLE, DE-In response to the onslaught of terrifying torment, an entire sleepover at local boy Joshua Campbell's house Wednesday was spent avoiding his older brother, Gus, who has behavioral issues. I spent all night locked in Josh's room as Gus banged on the other side threatening to beat us to death with a...Read more...

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