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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 19:46 |
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on (#655WP)
Following the Supreme Court’s overturning of the landmark Roe v. Wade decision in June, abortion is one of the major issues at stake in the midterms, with Americans divided on policy. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their preferred abortion policy preference.
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on (#655TX)
NAPERVILLE, IL—Declaring his undying fealty and gratitude to the United States of America, local patriot Tyler Wardley told reporters Thursday that he was honored to be lied to by his country. “The lengths that the ruling class of this country go to trick me and my fellow everyday Americans, the sheer amount of…Read more...
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on (#6555N)
Adidas ended its partnership with rapper Kanye West over his offensive and antisemitic remarks, the latest company to cut ties with Ye and a decision that the German sportwear company said would hit its bottom line. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#654TS)
SAN FRANCISCO—With a platform designed to achieve a high match rate among singles within its specific dating pool, a vague new dating site called “A Date” launched this week, catering to people who like to…you know, do that certain thing. “With ‘A Date,’ users can feel confident that when they sign up, they will only…Read more...
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on (#654TT)
WASHINGTON—Noting that the strange new deep-fried, cake-like pastry was all but dominating news feeds, sources confirmed Wednesday that something called a “guacamole donut” was burying coverage of dozens of school shootings.Read more...
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on (#6543N)
Former U.K. treasury chief Rishi Sunak has become Britain’s first prime minister of color after being chosen to lead a governing Conservative Party, the third person to take the job amid a politically and economically turbulent year for the country. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#653G7)
SALIDA, CO—Acknowledging that the unrealistic fantasy elements didn’t have to make sense to be enjoyed, local man Caleb Deakins told reporters Tuesday he was suspending disbelief to watch a film in which a regular person changed for the better. “This obviously would never happen in real life, so I’m just gonna switch…Read more...
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on (#653CZ)
Scientists have discovered the first known Neanderthal family, identifying the fossilized bone fragments of a father, teenage daughter, and possibly cousins in a Siberian cave that may have served as a seasonal home for their nomadic lifestyle 54,000 years ago. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#652QA)
Steve Bannon, a one-time adviser to former President Donald Trump, has been sentenced to four months in prison for refusing to cooperate with lawmakers investigating last year’s U.S. Capitol attack. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#652N4)
SAN BRUNO, CA—Lamenting the plight of his existence in an era when so many seek to promote equality for all, local man Keith Naslund told reporters Monday that times were pretty tough for someone who was actually superior to women. “I understand the importance of the feminist movement and making sure women aren’t…Read more...
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on (#64ZXD)
ARLINGTON, VA—Stating that America’s top rival on the global stage now had the ability to carry out such an attack, Pentagon officials warned this week that the entirety of China’s landmass could break off and zoom across the ocean to get us. “Advancements in Chinese military technology have reached a point where the…Read more...
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on (#64ZDN)
ANGOLA, LA—Noticing plenty of extra space in the 6-by-8-foot room, McKinsey consultant Derek Lowell from told Louisiana State Penitentiary officials Friday that the prison cells could fit another three guys, easy. “It’s such a waste to just have five inmates in that size of an area for most of the day,” said Lowell,…Read more...
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on (#64ZDP)
SEATTLE—Pleased to share the latest item in their abundant lineup of private label essentials, Amazon unveiled a new AmazonBasics human infant, sources confirmed Friday. “As our offering of AmazonBasics products continues to expand, we are proud to help meet the high demand for human babies,” said Amazon spokesperson…Read more...
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on (#64ZDQ)
While it’s bad enough that Airbnb hosts often observe guests with hidden cameras or view their online activity, The Onion’s investigative reporters discovered the creepiest and most disturbing ways that Airbnb owners are spying on you.Read more...
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on (#64ZD8)
RALEIGH, NC—Stressing that he did not want to cast his ballot in November without being fully informed, local man Mark Winters told reporters Friday that he would not be deciding which candidates he could vote for until he personally had done extensive research on which state he lived in. “I need to learn more about…Read more...
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on (#64YX4)
The House Select Committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot concluded its ninth and potentially final hearing last week with a subpoena of former President Donald Trump. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on what will be the most significant outcome of the Jan. 6 hearings.Read more...
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on (#64YV2)
The state of Texas is sending public school students home with DNA kits designed to help their parents identify their children “in case of an emergency,” which authorities would use to help find missing children or identify those killed in a school shooting. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64YAV)
MARFA, TX—Completely unfazed by the countless screaming, blood-covered mall-goers who frantically sprinted past them, local bystanders Kevin Steele, Justin Reynolds, and Derek Davis were reportedly too busy complimenting each other’s guns Thursday to stop a mass shooting. “Oh my gosh, is that seriously an original,…Read more...
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on (#64Y49)
POTTSTOWN, PA—Commemorating his weekend-long trip with a depressing snow globe displayed prominently in his workspace, office payroll coordinator Andy Shinn keeps a sad little vacation souvenir on his desk to help mentally whisk him away to Boston, coworkers reported Thursday. “In the middle of a long day, this small…Read more...
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on (#64Y4A)
Unless you’d like to get run over by a rich, angry tech bro with a chip on their shoulder, you might want to tread lightly when asking a Tesla driver about their car. Here are things you should never say to someone who owns a Tesla.Read more...
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on (#64Y3Y)
RAHWAY, NJ—Voicing frustrations about the competitive balance being thrown off, several players in a local fantasy football league told reporters Thursday their season was being ruined by a guy who wouldn’t update his roster weeks after his wife’s death. “It’s just so annoying—here you are trying to win the league and…Read more...
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on (#64Y2K)
Alaska has canceled the Bering Sea snow crab season for the first time ever due to an estimated 1 billion crabs disappearing over the last two years, the cause of which researchers are still investigating but could be linked to disease or climate change. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64XJZ)
A popular New York City restaurant rescinded its brief ban on Late Late Show host James Corden, who reportedly apologized after the establishment’s owner called him one of the restaurant’s “most abusive customers.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64X6A)
WASHINGTON—As she lit a cigarette and reentered the holding room, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen rolled up her sleeves Wednesday to take another crack at interrogating a milk jug over rising food prices, sources within the department confirmed. “Look, I’m not going to ask you again, what do you know about the latest…Read more...
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on (#64X1P)
With nearly 1 million sold in 2021 and the U.S. market expected to keep growing, electric bikes have attracted their share of champions and critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of e-bikes.
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on (#64WXJ)
SAN QUENTIN, CA—Acknowledging that the official was impartial in his ruthless abuse, local inmate Edward Anthony told reporters Wednesday that the prison warden was sadistic but fair. “Even though the warden has a tough job, I think he’s really good at doling out evil, cruel, and inhumane punishments in a way that’s…Read more...
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on (#64WVT)
CINCINNATI—With the practice popping up everywhere from grocery stores to movie theaters, a new report confirmed Wednesday that more businesses have begun offering silver fox discounts to seniors who still got it. “We like to show a little appreciation to those of us who watched the moon landing but still look like…Read more...
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on (#64WVV)
Far-right conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been ordered by a jury to pay $965 million to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook school shooting. The Onion asked Infowars viewers what they thought about the verdict, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#64WVW)
A musician undergoing complex “awake” brain surgery in Italy played the saxophone during his entire nine-hour operation to help doctors make sure they didn’t compromise his neurological functions. What do you think?Read more...
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Kyrie Irving Alleges Kyrie Irving Just CIA Creation Made To Spread Misinformation To American People
on (#64VGR)
BROOKLYN, NY—Telling reporters that he had uncovered the truth and needed to bring it to the public’s attention, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving alleged Tuesday that Kyrie Irving was just a CIA creation invented to spread misinformation to the American people. “The man known to most as the basketball star Kyrie…Read more...
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on (#64TXC)
The FDA has confirmed a nationwide shortage of the attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder medication Adderall due to manufacturing issues, with the shortage expected to last through the end of the year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64TNY)
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Adopting an affected speech pattern upon reentering Earth’s atmosphere, an astronaut aboard a SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule reportedly returned from the International Space Station with an annoying space accent Monday. “He was only in space for, like, nine months, and that is not long enough to pick up…Read more...
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on (#64TAP)
This November, J.D. Vance will be on the ballot to represent Ohio in the U.S. Senate. The Onion asked Ohioans why they are voting for the venture capitalist and author, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#64T9D)
ATLANTA—In response to calls from community leaders to address the city’s most dangerous intersections, the Georgia Department of Transportation unveiled new Good Luck signals Monday for pedestrians trying to cross the road. “The signal will illuminate for 20 seconds, and within that time span hopefully walkers will…Read more...
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on (#64T96)
Polish archaeologists excavating a Roman military camp dating back to the first century A.D. in Bulgaria, discovered an ancient stone “refrigerator” made of ceramic tiles that still contained animal bones, fragments of dishes, and traces of cooked meat. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64S12)
SEATTLE—In a shocking revelation that carries grim echoes of the team’s sign stealing in the 2017 and 2018 seasons, multiple players on the Houston Astros were caught Saturday politely asking the Seattle Mariners’ catcher for a little heads-up on the pitch selection. “Hey, man, if you wouldn’t mind letting me know…Read more...
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on (#64R3W)
The House committee investigating the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol has voted unanimously to subpoena former President Donald Trump to question him about his role in events that led to the violence. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64QZM)
PALM BEACH, FL—In a cunning attempt to outmaneuver the fraud lawsuit brought against him by the New York state attorney general, Donald Trump reportedly changed his name on Friday to Donald 2. “I’m not sure who these charges are referring to, as there is no such person named Donald Trump—I’m Mr. 2,” said 2, the former…Read more...
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on (#64QZN)
Americans are increasingly worried about political polarization, with members of different political persuasions disagreeing about many aspects of the direction in which their country is headed. The Onion wanted to understand why, and so we asked all 330 million Americans to describe their political beliefs. Here are…Read more...
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