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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-05 11:45 |
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on (#616P8)
JACKSON, MS—Urging every American to stay still and quit squirming, the nation’s overweight bullies announced Friday their plan to sit on you. “Rest assured, we will chase you down very slowly, we will throw you onto the blacktop, and we will take a seat on you,” said Jason Evans, speaking on behalf of the country’s…Read more...
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on (#61654)
Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comics, is receiving serious backlash for his tweet suggesting that a parent should kill their own son if he is “a danger to himself and others,” claiming the only other option is to watch people die. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#615X0)
Staff shortages at airlines, weather delays, and a spike in holiday travel have left many travelers struggling to take long-overdue vacations and make visits home. The Onion asked travelers how they felt about the nationwide delays, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#615KT)
ANDOVER, MA—Explaining that the only way she could get people to stop hitting on her was to pretend she was married, local woman Carla Watters told reporters Thursday she always wore a fake wedding dress to bars to deter unwanted advances. “Before, men would harass me constantly, but now that I can just flash them my…Read more...
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on (#615ER)
FORT WORTH, TX—In response to skyrocketing consumer demand, American Airlines introduced new nonstop flights directly into the side of a mountain, sources confirmed Thursday. “Beginning this weekend, American Airlines customers will now be able to book convenient one-way trips that will transport them from over 30…Read more...
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on (#615EC)
BIRMINGHAM, AL—Apologizing that athletes, fans, and coaches were forced to sit idle and watch 5th graders bowl, organizers of the World Bowling Championship announced Thursday that the event had been postponed after the lanes had been reserved for an 11th birthday party. “We are so sorry, but the World Bowling…Read more...
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on (#615D3)
BALTIMORE—In landmark research into what may be a root cause of emotional distress, a new study published Thursday in the The American Journal Of Psychology found a link between intense feelings of loneliness and currently being stuck halfway down the dark tube of a waterslide. “Our decade-long study found that across…Read more...
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on (#614XM)
Rising rents, soaring home prices, and increasing homelessness have created a full-blown crisis in American housing, one with no easy solution. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures that demonstrate the scope of America’s housing crisis.
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on (#614GS)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Saying he would hate to see them make the same mistake so many others in romantic relationships seemed to make, area man Sam Veitch explained Wednesday to his girlfriend, Sandra Rice, that he didn’t want to become one of those couples that spent time together. “You just see it so much—two people start…Read more...
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on (#614EE)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Confirming the activity was a welcome pursuit after a long day at the office, local woman Kate Buxton told reporters Wednesday that the intramural volleyball league she belonged to had provided her with new opportunities to feel like a loser outside of work. “It’s nice, after several hours of meetings…Read more...
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on (#6146V)
DAYTON, OH—Frustrated with how overly familiar strangers could be, local pregnant woman Laura Murray said Wednesday that she wished people would ask before touching her breasts. “I know it’s exciting to see a pregnant woman walk into a room with big bulging tits, but I wish people would at least ask before manhandling…Read more...
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on (#60ZBZ)
HESPERIA, CA—Declaring there were just some areas in which men would always be superior to women, local man Ryan Neves adamantly told reporters Friday he would be a much better political prisoner than WNBA star Brittney Griner. “No offense to her, but if I were being held captive by a foreign government, I’d be better…Read more...
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on (#60Z9R)
Taco Bell is testing new menu items, the Big Cheez-It Tostada and Big Cheez-It Crunch Wrap Supreme, which both feature an oversized Cheez-It cracker 16 times the size of a regular Cheez-It, in the hopes of replicating the success of the restaurant’s Dorito shells. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60Z9T)
COOS BAY, OR—Stumbling backward as he lost his main weapon, then reaching for his pant leg, a firefighter disarmed of his hose grabbed a squirt gun from his ankle holster to continue battling the flames around him, sources confirmed Friday. “You thought you had me!” the quick-thinking firefighter was heard to yell as…Read more...
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Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices
on (#60YM4)
WASHINGTON—In a tangential footnote appended to its 6-3 decision in West Virginia v. Environmental Protection Agency, the Supreme Court casually declared Thursday that the nation had been divided into six provinces, each of which would be ruled by a Republican-appointed justice. “The court hereby decrees that the six…Read more...
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on (#60YM5)
Justice Stephen Breyer notified the White House that his retirement will be effective today at noon Eastern time, paving the way for Ketanji Brown Jackson to be sworn in as Supreme Court Justice on the conservative-majority court. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60XWP)
CALISTOGA, CA—Turning off the lights of his hotel room and immediately wincing in utter revulsion, local man Kenny Porter told reporters he was disgusted Thursday after shining a blacklight on his ejaculating penis. “Ugh, god, it was terrible, the second I flipped the switch, there were neon spots everywhere, starting…Read more...
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on (#60X9P)
Former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson testified Tuesday that despite Donald Trump being informed that the protesters outside the White House on Jan. 6 had weapons, he told officials to “let my people in” and march to the Capitol. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60WMY)
WASHINGTON—Condemning the cabinet member for being so inconsiderate, Department of Transportation sources confirmed Wednesday that Pete Buttigieg’s locomotive was always taking up two whole parking spots. “You get one reserved parking spot, not two; I don’t care how big your vehicle is,” said Regina Merrill, one of…Read more...
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on (#60VYZ)
NEW YORK—Sentenced to 20 years in prison, Ghislaine Maxwell reportedly received a lighter penalty Tuesday for her years of dedicated work with children. “Ms. Maxwell had very deep, personal ties with local children and shepherded them through a confusing system with a commitment few other mentors would,” said Judge…Read more...
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on (#60VXG)
Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong told a London concert audience that he will renounce his U.S. citizenship following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, and relocate to the U.K. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60VTC)
WASHINGTON—In a controversial 6-3 decision regarding religious freedom, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that public school teachers were allowed to lead students on Crusades to win back the Holy Land for Christians. “Because the First Amendment guarantees the free exercise of religion, all school employees have the…Read more...
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on (#60V5R)
LOS ANGELES—Saying they just wanted to see her happy, sources confirmed Monday that friends of local single woman Meredith Singer were always trying to set her up with a new puzzle. “Okay, don’t be mad, but we think we found the perfect one for you this time,” longtime friend Rebecca Bates told the unattached…Read more...
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on (#60V3X)
Sens. Susan Collins (R-ME) and Joe Manchin (D-WV) told reporters they were misled by Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, who both testified under oath that Roe v. Wade was settled legal precedent. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60TAM)
CHICAGO—Calling the short, 30-minute appointment windows the “perfect white noise” to zone out to, local therapist Thea Tucker confirmed Monday that she wasn’t really invested in her patient but liked having her on in the background. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s a totally fine client and all, but there’s something about…Read more...
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on (#60TAN)
EAST AURORA, NY—In a severe backlash from parents on social media, toy manufacturer Fisher-Price was hit with criticism Monday over their plastic food reportedly giving kids unrealistic expectations that there will be enough food. “The people who run Fisher-Price ought to be ashamed that their plastic peanut butter…Read more...
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on (#60TAP)
NASHVILLE, TN—Trying to shrink down lower into his chair, Riverbend Maximum Security Institution prisoner Bertram Ray told reporters Monday he is embarrassed that everyone can currently see his whole skeleton while he is being electrocuted. “It’s one thing to go out with 1,750 volts of electricity pumped through your…Read more...
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on (#60SZ0)
If you think Spirit Airlines is luxurious, just wait until you see this. Here are the most amazing in-flight perks that airlines had in the 1960s.Read more...
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on (#60SWX)
LOS ANGELES—Displaying incredible accuracy in its rendering of the high-end property, the realistic concept art for a new luxury condominium complex in the Echo Park neighborhood of Los Angeles features a homeless man getting arrested, observers reported Friday. “Oh wow, yeah, would you look at that—there’s a guy on…Read more...
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on (#60R1X)
The Supreme Court has ruled that Americans have a right to carry firearms in public for self-defense, a major expansion of gun rights likely to lead to more people legally armed in cities and beyond. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60QXA)
NEW YORK—Asserting there was no need to worry about the highly unlikely outcome, the nation’s centrists reportedly doubled down Friday on their claim that Roe v. Wade was not at risk. “People are blowing this whole idea of overturning Roe completely out of proportion—it’s just not going to happen,” said outspoken…Read more...
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on (#60QXB)
WASHINGTON—In a touching moment following Friday’s Supreme Court’s 6-3 decision overruling Roe v. Wade and eliminating the constitutional right to an abortion, Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas reportedly championed the better future they’d created for the next generation of rapists. “We did it, my…Read more...
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on (#60QDX)
Coming out as LGBTQIA+ is a pivotal moment in someone’s life, so it’s always best to not fuck that up. If you want to be a good ally, never say the following things.Read more...
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on (#60QDW)
According to a new study, middle-aged people who cannot stand on one leg for at least 10 seconds are at higher risk of dying within the next decade, with researchers saying the simple balance test may be useful to include in routine physical exams for people over 50. What do you think?Read more...
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