 |
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-02-03 08:03 |
 |
on (#6AQ9K)
ST, JOSEPH, MI—Sighing as he opened the bumpy envelope, local boy Finn Gleason, nephew of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, reportedly received another birthday card from his uncle Thursday that was filled with gravel. “‘Don’t sprinkle it all in one place! Love, Uncle Pete,’” the 9-year-old read aloud, brushing…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6AQ8N)
SAN FRANCISCO—Saying this was by far the best option given their financial situation, San Francisco real estate agent Harry Evans reportedly showed a couple earning a sub-six-figure salary Wednesday around the neighborhood’s best tent city. “So we obviously have a lovely view here of the park, great flap to this…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AQ7Y)
JERSEY CITY, NJ—Urging employees to refrain from touching any of the items that had been neatly arranged in the wicker basket, local company Green Innovation clarified to employees Wednesday that the feminine hygiene products located in the office bathroom were purely decorative. “Please note that all pads and tampons…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6AQ70)
The Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama apologized Monday after a video that showed him asking a boy to suck his tongue triggered a backlash on social media. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6APPQ)
PALO ALTO, CA—Warning of the potentially explicit applications of a tool that has become widely available to the public, tech experts reported feeling unsettled Tuesday by a felt-tip marker’s ability to draw two big breast-like circles with dots in the center of them. “This technology allows almost anyone to…Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#6AP3C)
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Pulling aside his nephew and providing him with completely unsolicited guidance, local uncle Mitch Fulton, 55, reportedly offered dating advice Tuesday that qualified as a sex crime. “He asked me if I wanted a sip of his beer and then told me, ‘You know, buddy, if you ever want to get the girls,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AP21)
HOUSTON—Scolding her class for jumping to their feet prematurely, local teacher Jana Stoebel reportedly stated, “The sound of gunfire doesn’t dismiss you, I do,” on Tuesday, forcing the students to sit back down. “Did I say you could get back up?” said the stern 4th-grade instructor, who told her class there would be…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6AN2E)
CHICAGO—Mindlessly shoveling the dry meat into his mouth while staring at the television, local dad Ron Guadiano was reportedly snacking on a bowl of ground beef Monday. Family sources confirmed that Guadiano had retrieved from the refrigerator a dish filled with a pound of leftover ground beef and, with no attempt…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AKCT)
GARY, IN—Asserting that the jurist had shown clear ethical lapses in accepting lavish gifts and globe-trotting trips from Republican megadonor Harlan Crow, the Supreme Court reportedly dispatched Justice Clarence Thomas on a disciplinary trip to Gary, IN Friday. “The associate justice displayed evident poor judgment…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6AK0F)
MESA, AZ—Saying that being crushed to death wasn’t even close to the worst part of his night, local man James Hanson confirmed Friday that he was annoyed to be dying at the concert of an artist he barely even liked. “Wow, this sucks—I can’t believe I have to spend the entire night listening to music I’m not even…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6AJD4)
ANTAKYA, TURKEY—Adding previously unknown context to the biblical story of Easter, the text of a newly discovered first-century papyrus scroll released to the public Thursday suggests that Jesus hid out in His tomb for a few extra days while an abuse scandal within His ministry blew over. “If I can just cool My heels…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AJB6)
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Succumbing before the launch even took place to a sudden and mysterious onset of what is being described as space madness, NASA astronauts reportedly went insane Thursday and killed each other immediately upon entering their rocket. According to sources, mere moments after stepping foot in the Orion…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AJB5)
THE MEDITERRANEAN SEA—On the heels of a damning report detailing how Clarence Thomas accepted millions of dollars in lavish, unreported vacations from a Republican megadonor, sources confirmed Thursday that every justice on the U.S. Supreme Court read about the corruption allegations from different Mediterranean…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AJB7)
NEW YORK—Claiming hundreds of thousands of dollars were secretly paid to keep the information out of the public eye, sources close to Donald Trump revealed Thursday that the former president had paid hush money to conceal the children he had in wedlock. “He knew that if it got out that he had these kids, it would…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AJ8R)
BALTIMORE—Saying even a small amount could make a difference if it helped end the sprawling investigation into the church’s misdeeds, priests from the Archdiocese of Baltimore reportedly passed around collection plates Thursday from which sexual abuse victims could take their settlements. “Please, my children,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AJ66)
PALM BEACH, FL—Sheepishly approaching their stepmom after hearing about their father’s indictment, the Trump boys reportedly asked Melania Trump Thursday if they’d be getting a new daddy now. “Since our daddy is going away, do we have to get a whole new daddy now?” a bashful Eric Trump said from behind his pouting…Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#6AHTQ)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) has signed a bill allowing people to carry a concealed weapon in public without a government-issued permit, while also ending the requirement to undergo training before carrying a concealed weapon outside the home. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AHTR)
PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to reports that Facebook maintains a large and active user base, Facebook parent company Meta confirmed Wednesday that the pioneering social media platform was now entirely memorialized accounts. “There hasn’t been too much activity since the last user passed away earlier this year,” said Meta…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AHSE)
MILWAUKEE—Calling the measure “the only way” to prevent serious symptoms, the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology issued a report Thursday recommending that allergy sufferers retreat underground to form a pollen-free, cave-dwelling society. “Freedom from pain, freedom from pollen, freedom from itching…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AHQJ)
Whether it’s in small towns or large cities, law enforcement officials are leaving their posts in record numbers across the United States. The Onion asked police officers to explain why they are resigning en masse, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6AGJP)
FORT WAYNE, IN—In a move that would completely derail the contest through a toxic combination of resentment and hubris, a stranger whose unachieved athletic goals would ruin a pickup game at a local community basketball court Wednesday reportedly called next. “I got next game,” said the newcomer standing at the edge…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AG7F)
PALM BEACH, FL—Addressing his most ardent supporters mere hours after his arrest on 34 counts of falsifying business records, former President Donald Trump spent his prime-time speech Tuesday raving about Mar-a-Lago’s sea bass special. “It’s incredible, folks, so succulent—they don’t serve sea bass like this up in…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6AG0W)
WASHINGTON—After watching from the stands Sunday as Louisiana State University defeated the University of Iowa in the NCAA women’s basketball championship, first lady Jill Biden announced that she would invite all women who had ever touched a basketball to visit the White House. “I would like to extend a warm welcome…Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#6AEQ1)
After former president Donald Trump was indicted last week by a New York grand jury, The Onion asked politicians what they thought about the charges and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6AEB4)
Take this practice test to see if you have the guts, courage, and ruthlessness to pass a police officer entrance exam.Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#6ACKJ)
The Food and Drug Administration has approved selling the overdose-reversal drug Narcan without a prescription, a move long sought by advocates to aid the national response to the opioid crisis. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6ACH4)
PALM BEACH, FL—Pushing a hastily packed steamer trunk filled with clothes and money aboard his yacht before setting sail for the open seas, a desperate Donald Trump reportedly fled Friday for the remote island of Manhattan. “It’ll be a long journey—almost 10 days, by my count—but they’ll never think to look for me…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6ACFH)
In order to PUT AN END TO THE INJUSTICE perpetrated by Manhattan District Attorney ALVIN BRAGG’s recent INDICTMENT of our BELOVED LEADER, MAGA PATRIOTS can now DONATE HERE to HELP PROTECT OUR BEAUTIFUL PRESIDENT TRUMP. The BEST PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER HAD is under ATTACK by a POLITICALLY MOTIVATED WITCH HUNT…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6ABFX)
Police are suing the rapper Afroman for invasion of privacy after the artist used home security footage in his music videos of officers raiding his home on unfounded suspicions of drug trafficking and kidnapping. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6ABE1)
PLAINS, GA—Calling the move a solid investment in his future, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Thursday that he had enrolled in a two-year program at an Atlanta technical college that would allow him to become a dental hygienist. “I’ve always been passionate about dental hygiene, and I’m very excited to…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6AAW3)
HBO drama Succession kicked off its hotly anticipated fourth and final season on Sunday, and The Onion’s team of indentured television experts convened to predict what will happen over the show’s final episodes.
|
|
on (#6A9N3)
A new study has found that people with social anxiety may benefit from mindfulness therapy combined with exposure to odors from others’ sweat. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6A9N5)
RALEIGH, NC—Multitasking with the phone on speaker, local man Tim Cahan was clearly just waiting for his turn to speak Wednesday rather than really listening to what the automated menu had to say. Sources confirmed that, despite the menu selections having changed since their last conversation, Cahan barely paid…Read more...
|