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on (#6FB8C)
WASHINGTON-Noting that there was no excuse for the first dog's most recent instance of bad behavior, the White House confirmed Thursday that Commander Biden had gnawed the Washington Monument down to a slobber-covered stub. We turn our backs for two minutes, and boom, we find Commander sitting there on the National...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-08 20:30 |
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on (#6FB0R)
The recent death of Sen. Dianne Feinstein following a prolonged period of evident cognitive decline has put the spotlight on other public officials who may face similar issues, including Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and President Joe Biden. The Onion examines the pros and...Read more...
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Confusing Haunted Maze Fails To Explain Narratively Why Someone Would Jump Out From Corner Screaming
on (#6FAQX)
ERIE, CO-With its muddled storyline lacking the details necessary to justify the actions of its character, a local haunted maze failed to explain narratively why someone would jump out from around a corner screaming like that, sources reported Thursday. So we turn a corner and a man is running at us with a axe, but...Read more...
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on (#6FAP0)
LOS ANGELES-As he reflected upon various well-known allegations of his misconduct, Morbius star Jared Leto reportedly asked Thursday if he was ever going to get into real trouble for all the stuff he's been doing, saying he had just assumed his actions would have caught up with him by now. It seems like people know...Read more...
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on (#6FAP1)
While being graded like meat is nothing new for the famous, The Onion asked celebrities what they thought about their ratings on the foot fetish website Wikifeet, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FA3P)
HOUSTON-In what many were calling the most exciting day of the whole school year, a group of Texas fifth-graders reportedly spent their science class Wednesday executing real-life inmates. It was so cool! We each got to put on rubber gloves, strap our guy to the chair, and then inject him with a lethal dose of...Read more...
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on (#6FA00)
SAN DIEGO-Saying the practice helped her stay on track and organized each workday, local woman Beth Guerrero told reporters Wednesday she saves time by pre-packing all of her week's lunches into the sides of her cheeks. At first I was overwhelmed by how long it would take each Sunday to prepare and store that much...Read more...
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on (#6FA01)
STANFORD, CA-Offering a concise explanation for the complex interaction of economic forces that gave rise to the widespread enslavement of Africans, a Black conservative scholar argued Wednesday that the transatlantic slave trade was the result of fatherlessness in the Black community. The lack of strong role models...Read more...
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on (#6F9P5)
A pair of Ivy League scientists have been awarded the 2023 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine for their research developing mRNA vaccines that lead to the vaccine development against Covid-19. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F9NC)
BROOKLYN, NY-In an effort to drum up excitement and show fans that he was taking his preseason training seriously, Brooklyn Nets power forward Ben Simmons posted a video to Instagram Wednesday in which he is seen prepping for the season by sitting on the bench in a suit. You're gonna see plenty of this in the 2023-24...Read more...
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on (#6F9KJ)
The Tesla and SpaceX CEO has frequently stated that smart people need to procreate. The Onion asked women to explain why the hell they would want to have Elon Musk's babies, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F939)
The American diet, often criticized for its unhealthiness, has changed significantly over the course of the nation's existence due to technological breakthroughs, scientific research, and lifestyle developments. The Onion takes a look at how the American diet has changed over time.Read more...
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on (#6F8WP)
DAYTON, OH-In an effort to provide those suffering from substance-use disorder with the resources they need most, a drug clinic that opened its doors Tuesday in downtown Dayton confirmed it now provides drug users with free scolding. This clinic offers anyone using drugs a safe place to speak with someone trained to...Read more...
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on (#6F8Q8)
SAN FRANCISCO-Touting the on-demand service as a great convenience for anyone who finds themselves exhausted at the end of a long day, a widely hyped new startup unveiled an app Tuesday that connects users who are too tired to get out of bed with a gig worker who will turn off their lights for them. With the Flip...Read more...
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on (#6F8PV)
Elon Musk has reportedly fired the election integrity team at X, formerly known as Twitter, less than a month after pledging to expand the safety and elections teams. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F8NF)
Profoundly warm and inviting, this perfect residence has everything you desire. Sounds expensive, right? Well, rejoice, for your true home is not an opulent building of brick or wood, but rather a state of mind: comfortable, secure, and forever welcoming.Read more...
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on (#6F8NG)
WASHINGTON-Rolling out a new initiative to provide the financial restitution long advocated for by the Black community, the federal government announced Tuesday that it had hidden a briefcase full of slavery reparations somewhere in the continental United States. Get ready to look far and wide, because we've placed...Read more...
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on (#6F88Q)
More than 25 years after the killing of Tupac Shakur, a self-described gang member who has repeatedly proclaimed that he participated in the drive-by shooting of the rapper has been indicted on a murder charge. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F85N)
BERKSHIRE, ENGLAND-Hailing the competitor as a welcome addition to the show's lineup, the new Great British Baking Show broke boundaries this week with its first-ever Yorkshire pudding contestant. After 14 seasons, it's high time that we had a dough-based competitor on the show," said host Prue Leith, praising the...Read more...
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on (#6F85P)
STOCKHOLM-Lauding the man as one of the greatest minds working in medicine today, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences reportedly awarded 54-year-old Facebook user Darren Weston the Nobel Prize Monday for his own extensive internet research into the dangers of Covid vaccinations. We are proud to announce that the...Read more...
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on (#6F82E)
WASHINGTON-Concluding that the patriotic gesture was a significant drain on the country's resources, a new report out Monday from researchers at Georgetown University found that the U.S. economy loses $5 billion every year to Americans rising for the national anthem. According to our estimates, standing for The...Read more...
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on (#6F82F)
SPRINGDALE, UT-Claiming the overly trusting elderly woman was being taken advantage of more and more, family sources told reporters Monday that grandmother Gladys Murphy had been scammed by every piece of technology in her house. I don't know how the air purifier got her to give it her credit card number, but she's...Read more...
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on (#6F7T7)
CHEYENNE, WY-Noting that the new legislation would go into effect almost immediately, Wyoming officials announced Monday that the state would now be adults only. Wyoming is now a child-free zone," said Gov. Mark Gordon (R), explaining that children currently inside of the Western state's borders would have until 6...Read more...
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on (#6F7T8)
NEW YORK-Saying the footage clearly showed the chaos that Democratic leadership had created in cities across the country, Fox News host Jesse Watters expressed outrage Monday at a viral video showing a mob of thugs using coupons to save money. Look at the tape, people, these are essentially roaming gangs out there...Read more...
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on (#6F7T9)
BRISTOL, CT-Viewers of the nation's leading sports network were treated to a brilliant display of analysis Monday when ESPN NFL Live spent a full 10-minute segment meticulously breaking down a player running in a straight line for three yards. Two yards in, [DeVonta] Smith is already got his body positioned to...Read more...
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on (#6F7RG)
Attendees at Trump's autoworkers rally outside Detroit reportedly confessed to journalists that they were not union autoworkers, despite the signs they were holding saying Autoworkers For Trump." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F65V)
Donald Trump could be at risk of losing control of his New York business properties, including Trump Tower, after a judge found that the former president and his company liable for fraud. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F65W)
WASHINGTON-Having been alive as far back as 1933, Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California, a trailblazer in being old, died Thursday night at age 90. Sen. Feinstein, born Dianne Goldman, started off young but through hard work and dedication rose through the ranks to become very, very old," said the late Democrat's chief...Read more...
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on (#6F65X)
Dianne Feinstein, who served as a senator of California since 1992, died Thursday night at the age of 90. The Onion looks back at 31 years of Feinstein becoming elderly while in office.Read more...
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on (#6F62J)
With news spreading that pop star Taylor Swift is dating Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, The Onion asked Chiefs fans what they thought about the power couple, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F62K)
FERNDALE, CA-Trying to ignore the awkward display of affection being carried out between the two, 15-year-old Scott Barnard reported Friday that his sister Tabitha was just sitting on her boyfriend's lap in front of the whole family during dinner. We haven't even finished our meal yet, and they're all over each other...Read more...
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on (#6F5TB)
Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better. Back deck with light wood rot an ideal place to fantasize about a superior domicile.
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on (#6F5QK)
WASHINGTON-Unveiling a commemorative series created in honor of the nation's most renowned pedophiles, the U.S. Mint announced the release Friday of a new collection of coins that featured a child molester from every state in the union. This fun, collectible currency showcases each state's most iconic child sexual...Read more...
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on (#6F5QM)
MONROVIA, CA-Announcing that renovations had been made to all 560 locations, grocery chain Trader Joe's confirmed this week that they had added fitting rooms so customers could see how their food would look in their mouths. Too often, a customer will arrive back home with their fresh Trader Joe's finds only to...Read more...
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on (#6F55R)
SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming the plan would ensure benefits went toward those who truly needed them, a new proposal by San Francisco Mayor London Breed would require Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients to demonstrate starvation-induced organ failure. Starting today, all those applying for food stamp...Read more...
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on (#6F4T2)
A pair of front-row balcony tickets to Ford's Theatre on April 14, 1865-the night President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth-sold at auction for $262,500. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F465)
Canadian officials are apologizing to Jewish communities after honoring a Ukrainian-Canadian veteran who belonged to a Nazi division in WWII with a standing ovation during Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky's visit. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F3MH)
BRISTOL, CT-Reflecting on the life experiences that made him the person he is today, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith recalled Wednesday a tough childhood in which he had to debate gang members. It was hell, man-I remember these thugs cornering me outside my high school, shoving me against the wall, and challenging...Read more...
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on (#6F2QD)
WASHINGTON-In a finding that sheds light on the particular concerns and interests of the Founding Fathers, historians at the National Archives revealed this week that the original draft of the U.S. Constitution included 593 mentions of spiders. Early renditions of the Constitution show us that James Madison and the...Read more...
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on (#6F2NM)
NEW YORK-TikTok has reportedly generated support and approval this week with its feel-good new ad campaign featuring a stalker who would have never met his child bride without the app. Thanks, TikTok-because of you, I found my virgin bride," said the thirtysomething TikTok user, referring to the visibly frightened...Read more...
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on (#6F279)
This three-bed, two-bath early '70s split-level ranch has witnessed eight births and three deaths over two generations. Perfect for the misanthrope who desires a tangential connection to humanity.Read more...
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