The Onion

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CHICAGO—Holding a press conference from the kitchen of a sunny two-flat, the nation’s houseplants confirmed Wednesday that pots are, in fact, their pants. “Yes, the pots we sit in are the botanical equivalent of pants,” said the nation’s official spokesplant, a Pilea peperomioides called “Beatrice,” confirming the…Read more...

Apple has unveiled plans to scan U.S. iPhones and other devices for images of child sexual abuse to thwart pedophiles, drawing praise from child protection groups while raising concerns over potential misuse among privacy advocates. What do you think?Read more...

LONDONDERRY, NH—Leaving its hungry owner completely in the lurch, a piece of bullshit antique china didn’t even say if it was microwave safe, sources confirmed Wednesday. “What the fuck? Will this old-ass piece of shit break in the microwave or not?” said antique china set owner Alex Carson, adding that he didn’t want…Read more...

LONDON—Disappointed in her son for not keeping the family in mind, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II reportedly scolded her son Prince Andrew this week for having sex with minors outside the royal bloodline. “It is none of my business if you wish to consort with teenagers, but for God’s sake, at least find a girl within…Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Demonstrating the potential pitfalls of rushing to conclusions, Andrew Cuomo’s sexual harassment scandal and subsequent resignation reportedly served as a somber reminder Tuesday that leaders who are bad at their job can have a dark side too. “You wouldn’t think someone who’s had accusations of corruption…Read more...

ALBANY, NY—In an effort to take responsibility for the scandal that ultimately led to his resignation, departing governor Andrew Cuomo apologized Tuesday for his role in hiring so many crazy liars determined to sabotage his political career. “I am the one who approved these staffing decisions and ultimately have no…Read more...

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The Pentagon has announced that U.S. troops will be required to get vaccinated against Covid-19 by September 15, noting that the deadline could be moved up pending FDA approval. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Rallying patients lying unconscious in the intensive care unit of George Washington University Hospital, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) called on those intubated due to Covid-19 to rise up from their hospital beds and choose freedom, sources confirmed Tuesday. “To all you brave patriots who have been imprisoned in…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Having nearly given up on the concept of self development entirely, the last flickering ember of area man Lawrence Tell’s interest in personal growth led him to consider taking up kayaking, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I heard it’s supposed to be a good workout,” said the 33-year-old’s final grasp at getting…Read more...

HOUSTON—Calling it an “extraordinary, once-in-a-lifetime” celestial event, astronomers announced Tuesday that the Lord God Almighty’s penis would be visible in the night sky for the first time in a millennia. “Tonight, for the first time in over 1,000 years, the Holy Father’s divine phallus will descend from Heaven…Read more...

Officials have closed areas around Lake Tahoe after discovering chipmunks infected with Bubonic plague, a disease that killed 25 million people in the 14th century pandemic but is now treatable with antibiotics. What do you think?Read more...

The U.S. won 39 gold medals and 113 medals overall at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, which is more than any other competing country for the seventh consecutive Summer Games, with China coming in second. What do you think?Read more...

Poland has granted a humanitarian visa to a Belarusian Olympic sprinter who refused to board a flight home from Tokyo because she feared she’d be arrested upon arrival after criticizing team officials. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following delicate bipartisan negotiations to update U.S. roads, highways, and bridges, the Senate moved forward Tuesday on a landmark infrastructure bill that would fund an 11,000-mile-long detour around the nation during construction. “It’s taken years, but we have finally reached a deal on a pair of…Read more...

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WALTHAM, MA—Reminiscing wistfully about her departed spouse, local woman Helen Calkins reportedly wished Monday that her husband was still alive to help her bury his body in their garden. “Oh, Frank always loved getting his hands dirty in the backyard, so it would have been a real pleasure for him to dig a shallow…Read more...

BOSTON—Abandoning its most sacred duty to defend the sight organ from dust and other ocular irritants, a traitorous eyelash got into the eye of local man Richard Paulson despite being sworn to protect it, sources confirmed Monday. “You son of a bitch, I never should have trusted you,” said Paulson, his eye watering as…Read more...

PBS’s educational series Arthur about an 8-year-old anthropomorphic aardvark navigating life will end after 25 seasons, making it the longest-running kids animated series in history. What do you think?Read more...

U.S. gymnastics star Simone Biles withdrew from the 2021 Tokyo Olympics individual and team finals, claiming the overwhelming pressure to win might have caused her to injure herself in her stressed out state. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Admitting that she was caught off guard by the resurgent threat, CDC director Rochelle Wolensky expressed alarm Wednesday after Googling “Covid cases” for the first time in weeks. “Holy shit, I haven’t been checking in on the coronavirus because I thought we’d turned a corner, but damn, this looks really bad,”…Read more...

YAKIMA, WA—Indignant over her continued ability to burn, visibly angry local woman Maria Williams, who is currently ablaze, asked aloud Tuesday why she even bothered to get a Covid-19 vaccine if it turned out she could still catch fire. “There’s no way I would’ve gotten that stupid jab if I knew I could still go up in…Read more...

NEW YORK—Urging the Grammy-winning rapper to take as much time as he needed on the project, the nation assured Kanye West Monday that they don’t care enough about his forthcoming album, Donda, to justify him stressing so much about trying to release it soon. “We’ll give it a spin, but look, don’t wear yourself out,”…Read more...

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Maine has become the first state in the country to shift costs of recycling from taxpayers to the companies that create consumer packaging, while also giving them the responsibility of disposing of nonrecyclable containers. What do you think?Read more...

CORVALLIS, OR—Stressing that he was hesitant to get one until more evidence came to light, local man Jeff Bryan told reporters Monday that he was just waiting to observe the long-term effects of the Covid-19 vaccine over the next several eons. “Look, I get that people are saying it’s safe right now, but I think I’d…Read more...

GENEVA—Calling it the surest path to avoiding catastrophic consequences for the planet, a new report by the Intergovernmental International Panel on Climate Change warned Monday that the only way to reverse climate change was for every person on Earth to share a single Chevy Volt. “Given the severity of the current…Read more...

BURLINGTON, VT—Wondering if he should offer it to a friend or put an ad on Craigslist, 25-year-old Connor Latham told reporters Monday he wasn’t sure what to do with the shitty old roommate that came with his apartment. “I noticed it when I toured the place last month, but I just assumed whoever lived here was going…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Furrowing his brow while paging through the newspaper’s arts and culture section, local 6-year-old Tyler Endicott reportedly struggled Thursday with whether to see Space Jam: A New Legacy after reading a negative review in The New York Times. “Obviously, I was excited to see Bugs and his pals dust off…Read more...

We woke up feeling good today, gamers. Maybe it’s the nice weather. Maybe it’s the vacation we have planned next month. Or maybe it’s just that things have generally been looking up lately. Either way, we’re feeling magnanimous, and ah, what the hell—we want to do something nice for you.

WASHINGTON—Giving voice to their uncertainty in a historic display of civic indecision, tens of thousands of Americans who still haven’t made up their minds joined a massive demonstration on the National Mall Thursday to express their ambivalence. “We don’t feel strongly one way or another, and we demand to be heard!”…Read more...

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BOULDER, UT—In a process that officials explained the state had been carrying out for decades, the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources reportedly completed their annual restocking of a lake Wednesday by dropping thousands of fishermen from a plane. “We wish the population would replenish itself naturally, but…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly thwarted in their efforts to bring some new perspectives to the C-suite, agrochemical company WFM Industries shared with reporters Wednesday that they were struggling to find diverse leadership candidates among the CEO’s golf buddies. “Increasing diversity at the executive level is a top priority…Read more...

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NM—Attempting to placate the visibly livid man, sources confirmed Wednesday that the gate attendant at Spaceport America had offered Richard Branson a hotel voucher after informing him the Virgin Galactic flight was fully booked. “We routinely overbook flights to keep prices low, and hope that…Read more...

Legends are made and legacies are secured in the spotlight of the NBA Finals, where a transcendent performance can forever seal a spot as one of the greatest NBA players ever, or a bad one can forever seal your fate as Karl Malone. Here are The Onion’s greatest NBA finals performances of all time.Read more...

Cable news network MSNBC launched on July 15, 1996, and has delivered its share of highs and lows over its 25-year history. The Onion looks back at the most important events in MSNBC’s history on its 25th anniversary.

LINCOLN, NE—Stressing it was having a nice, relaxing time, the scrotum of local man Justin McMaster was not in a big hurry to peel itself away from his leg, crotch sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’ve got a nice little situation going here with my skin sack pressed up real tight against the inner thigh, so I’m thinking…Read more...

Fine jewelers say they saw massive spikes in demand and sales in April and May for engagement rings, following more access to Covid-19 vaccinations throughout the United States. What do you think?Read more...

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Dubai has opened the world’s deepest dive pool, which has a depth of 196 feet, holds enough water to fill six Olympic-sized swimming pools, and features an “abandoned” sunken city for divers to explore. What do you think?Read more...

Hey, gamers! There’s a lull in summer gaming news and we don’t know what to publish today, so here are the definitive instructions on how to bake your Nintendo Switch into an apple pie!

STANFORD, CA—A new study released Monday by researchers from the Stanford Center on Poverty and Inequality found that 70% of Americans have less than $1,000 saved to go to space. “Our research suggests that the vast majority of Americans may be woefully unprepared for the dawn of the new space age,” aid study…Read more...

You might not realize it, but many beloved TV shows from the U.S. actually aren’t created here, and are instead stolen from foreign countries due to a lack of American ingenuity. Here are the international origins behind some of your favorite television programs.Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to educate the opposition party on the true value of civic engagement, congressional Democrats staged an elaborate 4th of July pageant Friday in an effort to teach their Republican colleagues the importance of democracy.