The Onion

Voters in Pennsylvania reelected a dead House of Representatives member on Tuesday night, triggering a special election for a later date to fill the deceased Democrat’s seat. What do you think?Read more...

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WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Introducing a new mod for the latest installment in its flagship franchise, video game developer Infinity Ward announced Thursday it had added a premium skin for Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II that would only be available to customers who had killed someone in real life. “We want to reward our most…Read more...

Following a number of critical races that will determine the future of the country, The Onion examines the biggest winners and losers from the midterm elections.Read more...

People magazine named Captain America star Chris Evans as this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Following reports of the first-ever mass layoffs at Facebook parent company Meta, sources confirmed identical twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss spent a joyous Wednesday afternoon jerking each other off. “Make pleasure of me as we rejoice in Zuckerberg’s demise, my dear brother,” Tyler Winklevoss said as he…Read more...

MOCKSVILLE, NC—Pledging that he would work to unite rather than divide following his election victory, Senator-elect Ted Budd (R-NC) vowed Wednesday to still fight for billionaires who didn’t funnel dark money into his campaign. “I want to thank all the ultra-wealthy people who did help me win by donating through a…Read more...

If you know someone who plans on saving sex for marriage, here are the things you should absolutely say to them.Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to an outpouring of criticism across the tech industry, officials at software company Emergent AI confirmed Wednesday that they had fixed a bug causing their photo app to treat black users equally. “Unfortunately, we didn’t catch the glitch before several hundred users of color received…Read more...

LEAGUE CITY, TX—Noting that the clearly flustered man had zero idea what to do or say, local voter Raleigh Jenkins told reporters Tuesday that the elderly poll watcher he encountered was doing a slow, confused job of intimidating voters. “This morning, what should have been a very fast process took forever because the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Responding to the number of irritations and annoyances she had experienced in the past week, stressed-out woman Ashley Fitton told reporters Tuesday she was treating herself to an additional $400 of credit card debt. “I had a really hard past few days, so I deserve to take some time out for myself to destroy…Read more...

Astronomers in Arizona discovered a Jupiter-sized planet they think has a density similar to that of a marshmallow, the exoplanet calculated to be about 17 grams per cubic feet and light enough to float in a bathtub of water. What do you think?Read more...

KENNETT SQUARE, PA—Confessing concerns about what would happen if one day, in his old age, he became unable to care for himself, nursing home CEO Robert Gallegro told reporters Tuesday he was afraid to end up in one of those places he owns. “I hope my kids never put me into a degrading, isolating facility like the…Read more...

Elon Musk may have taken on $13 billion in debt to buy Twitter, but with his unparalleled brilliance, he’ll earn it back in no time. Here are the most genius ways Elon Musk will make the social media platform profitable.Read more...

KEENE, NH—Sighing as he checked his watch again, an armed conservative man monitoring a local polling place Tuesday expressed disappointment over how few people vote in midterm elections. “I had hoped a lot more voters would turn out for me to intimidate, but I guess some folks can’t even be bothered to show up and…Read more...

GARDEN CITY, ID—Scoffing at the utterly ridiculous thought that he’d ever be that much of a morning person, local kidnapper Stanley Deacon told reporters Tuesday that he was not about to wake up at 5 a.m. to abduct a jogging woman. “Oh hell no—as much as I’d love to be up bright and early to find a woman running…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shortly after seeing a poll showing 40% of Americans are still convinced the 2020 election was stolen, Barack Obama announced plans Tuesday to take advantage of widespread belief in conspiracy theories by claiming that he was still president. “Look, if this country is seriously at a place where I can…Read more...

ATLANTA—Pulling ahead of Republican challenger Herschel Walker by nearly 60 percentage points, Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-GA) reportedly surged in the polls Monday after taking off his eyeglasses. “The majority of Georgia voters we surveyed were absolutely shocked, stating, ‘Him? That’s him? You’re telling me that Adonis…Read more...

The Houston Astros defeated the Philadelphia Phillies to claim the franchise’s second World Series title, three years after the team’s sign-stealing cheating scandal that made them the most hated team in the MLB. What do you think?Read more...

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STANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the unbreakable power of love, a new study published Monday by researchers at Stanford University found that 100% of relationships last forever. “We conducted a double-blind study of more than 10,000 relationships over a period of eight decades and discovered that all 10,000 of the…Read more...

KINGSTON, JAMAICA—Crediting the workplace competition with changing the entire course of his life, eight-time Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt recalled Monday how he first discovered his talent for running through a corporate wellness challenge at his first job. “I never even liked working out until I got an email…Read more...

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Watching him settle into his favorite corner booth for a late breakfast, sources reported Monday that local regular Dale Jenkins has been coming to Miss America Diner long enough to know all the different forks by name. “Lenny, Frank, Alice—how the hell are ya?” the man said to three of the diner’s…Read more...

A former Miss Argentina and former Miss Puerto Rico revealed to fans online that they are married, two years after meeting at the Miss Grand International competition where both contestants made it to the top 10. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON—Following their victory over the Philadelphia Phillies to clinch the title, the Houston Astros credited their World Series win to the subject of a future MLB investigation. “We couldn’t have done it without the tactics that will be at the center of a wide-ranging probe by MLB officials roughly 18 months from…Read more...

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BOCA GRANDE, FL—As he tore off his shirt and shouted that his body was covered in heinous transgressions of the law, Tucker Carlson screamed in agony Friday, claiming that he felt crime crawling all over him. “Please, someone, get these crimes off me!” yelled the 53-year-old television host, who reportedly scratched…Read more...

World’s richest person Elon Musk recently completed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter, taking it private and issuing plans for other major changes at the social media company. The Onion highlights Musk’s biggest new plans for Twitter’s future.

Whatever happens to Democrats this election, their unceasing disrespect for voters’ time, privacy, and intelligence prove they deserve it. Here are things people hate the most about Democratic fundraising emails.Read more...

Shanghai’s Disney Resort abruptly suspended operations on Monday to comply with Covid-19 prevention measures, requiring all visitors at the time of the announcement to stay in the park until they returned a negative test for the virus. What do you think?Read more...

UVALDE, TX—As controversy continues to surround the law enforcement response to the shooting at Robb Elementary School that left 19 students and two teachers dead, newly leaked audio revealed Thursday that Uvalde police asked the pizza delivery guy to check on students while dropping off a few pies. “There’s a big tip…Read more...

UTENA, LITHUANIA—Agreeing that the prospect had what it took to make an immediate impact at the NBA level, scouts were reportedly salivating Thursday over a 7-foot-1-inch-tall European floor sweeper. “With his reach and wingspan, Marijus [Petrauskas] should be able to get out there and mop sweat off the floor faster…Read more...

Astronomers spotted three near-Earth asteroids that were lurking undetected within the glare of the sun, with one of the asteroids dubbed a “planet killer” due to its potential to one day cross the Earth’s orbit. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Turning the hulking fortress of a sandwich slowly in his hands to capture a 360-degree view of his target, local man Branden Zielinski was reportedly conducting a thorough perimeter inspection Thursday to find the most vulnerable entry point to his hamburger. “Jesus Christ, this is a tough one—I’m an expert,…Read more...

PITTSFIELD, MA—In the effort to raise cash for the party’s candidates ahead of the midterms, a new Democratic Party fundraising email reportedly stated Thursday that James Carville is wearing a suicide vest on the recipient’s door step. “We need you to donate $25 in the next 25 seconds, otherwise the fate of James…Read more...

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Twitter CEO Elon Musk says he plans to charge Twitter users for using the blue verification checkmark, quickly lowering the amount to $8 per month after sparking criticism for suggesting a $19.99 monthly fee. What do you think?Read more...

Age means many things in the American political arena. To some, it connotes wisdom, grace, and experience. To others, it suggests a fading gerontocracy that has grown increasingly out-of-touch with the average American. As the oldest commander-in-chief in the history of our republic, the current president’s age…Read more...

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AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to tamp down on the “outrageous” practice, Texas GOP officials reportedly shared a toll-free number Wednesday that Republican voters could call if they witnessed someone casting a legitimate vote. “If you see anyone who looks like they’re getting in line or speaking to poll workers, we urge you…Read more...

If you know someone struggling to pay their gas, grocery, or utility bills as inflation continues to soar, here are some things you should definitely say.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Mouths watering just thinking about produce being reaped from the fields after a long and fruitful growing season, a hungry nation confirmed Wednesday that it could really go for a bountiful harvest right about now. “You know what would really hit the spot? Plentiful and abundant crops plucked straight from…Read more...

The CDC says the number of positive flu tests so far this season is the highest it’s been in 13 years, with already 880,000 recorded cases of influenza illness, the last comparable flu “burden” being 2009 during the swine flu pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

A man allegedly attacked Paul Pelosi, the husband of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, at their California home early Friday morning, prompting renewed concerns over political violence. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the attack on Pelosi’s husband.

ORANGE, VA—Attempting to stay calm despite his malfunctioning parachute, local skydiver Kevin Paris reportedly did one last scan Wednesday for a trampoline. “Hmm, okay let me see here—maybe now that I’m closer to Earth I can spot it,” said Paris, plunging through the air at more than 600 feet per second and taking a…Read more...

Taylor Swift has become the first artist to claim every top 10 spot on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart, with all 10 songs coming from her newly released album, Midnights. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—As House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband continued his recovery Tuesday, top GOP leaders condemned the violent assault against 82-year-old Paul Pelosi, uniformly criticizing the attack as half-assed. “We all need to come together and call out this attack in the strongest possible terms for failing to live up…Read more...

YOUR LOCATION—Saying they would cut right to the chase, sources confirmed Tuesday that, long story short, your father had a stroke. “We’re not going to bore you with the details, but yeah, your dad suffered a stroke earlier today,” revealed the sources, stressing that they were giving you the CliffsNotes version to…Read more...

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YOUNGSTOWN, OH—With sessions growing longer as more community members seek to voice their views in public, a local school board reminded meeting attendees on Tuesday to keep their comments to 60 slurs or less. “In order for everyone to have a chance to hate, we ask that you limit your disparaging remarks to a…Read more...