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on (#62NF2)
President Biden has signed into law the Inflation Reduction Act, a sweeping $750 billion health care, tax, and climate bill, that is seen as a big win for the Democrats ahead of midterms. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-06 07:00 |
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on (#62NF3)
KANSAS CITY—Following his team’s preseason game loss to the Chicago Bears, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid on Thursday criticized Soldier Field’s eating conditions. “It is absolutely inexcusable to have to play in a stadium with low standards for burgers and pizza,” said Reid during a press conference, adding…Read more...
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on (#62ND0)
DETROIT—Delivering a crushing blow to the traditional beliefs and practices held by men nationwide, sources confirmed Thursday that American masculinity faced an existential threat after a meeting at Dynatech Telecommunication in which local employee Mark Taylor was asked by coworkers to maybe be nicer sometimes.…Read more...
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on (#62MXH)
COLUMBUS, OH—Sighing with exasperation that his date decided to take off early, local boyfriend Dan Havenforth was reportedly unsure if he was also expected to leave the party Friday just because his girlfriend was heading out in an ambulance. “I’m not ready to leave yet, should I be expected to abruptly end my night…Read more...
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on (#62MXJ)
Serena Williams recently announced her retirement from tennis after a sterling career that has included 23 Grand Slam singles titles, the second-most of all time. She recently sat down with The Onion to look back on the most memorable moments of her career.
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on (#62MVF)
WADSWORTH, OH—Wanting to detect any danger before it was too late, concerned mother Kelsey Morales told reporters Thursday that she had spent hours poring over her troubled son’s journal for anything that could possibly implicate her. “There’s probably nothing to worry about, but I just want to go through it all in…Read more...
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on (#62MVG)
SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Startled by the glazed-over pair of eyes staring back at her in the mirror, local woman Kelsey Houghton confirmed Wednesday that her reflection was way drunker than she had anticipated. “Jesus fucking Christ, what happened?” said Houghton, who reportedly leaned close to the bathroom mirror,…Read more...
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on (#62MV5)
Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision on June 24, 2022, to overturn Roe v. Wade, which affirmed a right to abortion at the federal level, The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female reproductive rights are mangled, mutilated, and butchered at the state level.Read more...
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on (#62MSF)
A suspected bank robber was rescued in Rome after the roof of a tunnel he had been digging to allegedly break into a bank collapsed, burying him under six meters of dirt. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62MSG)
WASHINGTON—Announcing its disappointment over the recent killings, the United States privately condemned military leaders in Myanmar for not making the executions of four pro-democracy dissidents look more like accidents, sources confirmed Thursday. “Put a little effort into it, and for God’s sake, at least try to…Read more...
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on (#62M9D)
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences apologized to Sacheen Littlefeather over her mistreatment after refusing Marlon Brando’s 1973 Oscar win on his behalf. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62M1D)
The Inflation Reduction Act, which was signed into law by President Joe Biden on Tuesday, represents the Democratic Party’s effort to deliver on its agenda. The Onion looks at the key elements of the Inflation Reduction Act.
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on (#62KMS)
ST. LOUIS—Warning that the corn found in kitchens, grocery stores, and restaurants across the country were ticking time bombs, Monsanto executive Jeff Dunbarton threatened to detonate every corncob in the nation Wednesday unless his demands were met. “Should you fail to deliver the $20 billion I require, I will be…Read more...
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on (#62KMR)
Since Jan. 6, 2021, many Trump supporters have been preparing to wage war against the U.S. government. The Onion asked conservatives why they are preparing for a civil war, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62KMT)
TOPEKA, KS—As he sat on his couch and watched the tournament on television Wednesday, 39-year-old Joshua Miller admitted he felt ancient upon realizing he was older than everyone playing in the Little League World Series. “God, I never really thought about it, but suddenly you hear that the catcher is turning 11, and…Read more...
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on (#62KGH)
GALENA, IL—Watching as it frantically circled its next meal with no regard for basic etiquette, insect sources confirmed Wednesday that an impatient, overzealous fly couldn’t even wait for shit to drop from a dog’s asshole. “Whoa, slow down, pal—I get that you’re excited about the fresh poop and all, but don’t you…Read more...
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on (#62KG5)
According to a new Pew research poll, just under half of American teenagers describe themselves as “almost constantly” online, a huge jump from 24% in 2015, with YouTube and TikTok being the platforms that are the most used. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62JW5)
Scientists have concluded that a climate change has doubled the likelihood over the next four decades of California experiencing a megaflood, in which a series of storms could dump several feet of rain over weeks, submerging cities and displacing millions of people. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62JSZ)
WILSON, WY—As Humvees and Halliburton tanks rolled across the state’s borders under cover of darkness, former Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly commanded a full-scale invasion of Wyoming early Tuesday in an effort to bolster his daughter’s reelection chances. “The corrupt campaigns in Wyoming’s congressional…Read more...
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on (#62JJ7)
FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Failing to live up to his potential to be one of the most notorious serial killers of all time, unambitious psychopath Jared Darby was still only killing small animals, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You’d think that after all this time he’d have moved on to killing people, but no, he’s still just…Read more...
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on (#62JAF)
NEW YORK—An exhaustive report drawing on data compiled over the past several decades and released Tuesday concluded that nothing beats seeing the New York Yankees lose at home. “After observing millions of different scenarios, we have confirmed that seeing the Yankees lose a home game and watching their awful fans…Read more...
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on (#62J8Q)
WASHINGTON—Highlighting a variety of groundbreaking infrastructure projects, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday it would allocate $2 billion toward a major new initiative to finally make the nation look all futuristic and shit. “Everything is going to have this super sleek and angular design, and…Read more...
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on (#62J6G)
Police in Florida are asking people to stop interrupting manatees while they’re mating after beachgoers were seen trying to touch the mammals while they engaged in a group mating session known as a “manatee ball”. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62J68)
Capital punishment is an extremely controversial part of an already-fraught U.S. justice system. The Onion asked everyday Americans why they support it, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62J69)
YOUR LOCATION—Stressing that you probably had hundreds of good ideas in your head that deserved to be shared, a study released Tuesday found that you should talk more and that people want to hear what you think. “You doubt yourself too much—everyone feels that way,” read the report in part, questioning the way…Read more...
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on (#62HKE)
Newly unsealed search warrants related to the FBI’s raid at Mar-a-Lago show the former president is being investigated by the Department of Justice for potential violations of the Espionage Act related to the 11 sets of classified records recovered at his estate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62HKF)
ST. LOUIS—Touting their continued support of citizens in the city’s economically disadvantaged neighborhoods, officials in St. Louis told reporters Monday that their primary investment in the community came through the police department’s wrongful death settlements. “Millions of dollars have been pumped into our most…Read more...
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on (#62H31)
FBI agents raided former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort last week. The Onion provides exclusive access to what the federal law enforcement agency seized.Read more...
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on (#62H32)
AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a “vital” first step toward regulating mass shootings, Texas lawmakers passed a new law Monday that requires gun buyers to show proof of mental illness. “Starting today, all prospective firearm owners must be evaluated by a state-licensed physician and be able to document that they currently…Read more...
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on (#62GYQ)
Researchers have published a new study in which they observed that at night baby jumping spiders showed patterns such as legs twitchings and eyes flickering that looked very similar to REM sleep, an active phase of sleep experienced by humans. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62EXV)
An armed man suspected of trying to breach the FBI’s Cincinnati field office was killed after an hours-long standoff with law enforcement, the attack coming just days after agents from the bureau served a search warrant at the home of former president Trump. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62EPH)
BURBANK, CA—Visibly shaken with fresh bruising on his face, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav announced Friday that the studio had no plans to scrap upcoming DC Comics film The Flash at this time. “I just wanted to take a moment to clarify that The Flash will be released as planned in June 2023, despite, um,…Read more...
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on (#62EP1)
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA—Faxing the government agency a detailed invoice days after a raid at the property, a Mar-A-Lago front desk employee reportedly sent the FBI an itemized bill Friday for their 12-hour stay at the resort. “Thank you for visiting Mar-A-Lago, please find an itemized invoice of your expenses attached,”…Read more...
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on (#62EEW)
After an FBI raid on Donald Trump’s residence at Mar-A-Lago, many are questioning whether the 45th president of the United States should run again for office. The Onion asked everyday Americans what they thought, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62EA9)
CHARLESTON, SC—Confessing that this was always the hardest part of his job, local oncologist Dr. William Barlowe told reporters Friday that he wasn’t sure how to break the news to his patient that they were born in America. “It’s sad, but as a medical professional, I have no choice but to sit this man down, look him…Read more...
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on (#62E83)
WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project would significantly cut drive times nationwide, the Department of Transportation announced plans Friday to reduce commutes by adding highway nitro strips. “These booster strips will help everyday Americans reach their office safely and in a fraction of the time by rocketing…Read more...
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on (#62E84)
ATLANTA—Nursing a headache as he tried to piece together where he parked his shuttle, hungover astronaut James Caudry woke up in bed Friday with no idea how he made it back to Earth. “Ugh, the last thing I remember, I was reconnecting a satellite cable with a few buddies from the ISS, and the next thing I know I’m…Read more...
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on (#62E7T)
A new study has found that women can have three types of orgasms, test subjects using a bluetooth-connected vibrator to record the pelvic floor contraction patterns: an avalanche, a volcano, or a wave, with the wave motion being the most common. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62DNA)
NEW YORK—Claiming the trauma experienced by former iCarly star had all the makings of television gold, Nickelodeon reportedly offered Thursday to buy the TV rights to Jennette McCurdy’s new memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died. “Nickelodeon would like to submit a bid to secure the rights to Jennette McCurdy’s harrowing memoir…Read more...
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on (#62DMX)
Former President Trump invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination during a deposition in the New York Attorney General’s probe into the Trump Organization’s business practices, a move he once claimed was a sign of guilt. What do you think?Read more...
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