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on (#622D4)
TALLINN, ESTONIA—Submitting their candidacy for the rest of the world to consider, officials from Estonia reportedly announced their interest Tuesday in assuming America’s role as the global superpower. “It’s pretty clear that America really isn’t capable of being the planet’s hegemonic power any longer, so we…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-05 18:45 |
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on (#622CT)
SHILABO, ETHIOPIA—Expressing frustration over the constant stereotypes, a swarm of locusts told reporters Tuesday that they wished people would stop assuming they were always sent to bring God’s wrath. “It’s 2022, people—it is the height of unfairness and bad faith to assume that every time a bunch of us gather,…Read more...
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on (#621S3)
The Michigan Supreme Court has expanded civil rights to LGBTQ+ residents in a landmark decision, ruling that the definition of sex in a decades-old Michigan discrimination law includes sexual orientation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#621MG)
WASHINGTON—Flipping the powerful legislative body back in his party’s favor, Sen. Mitch McConnell reclaimed the Senate majority Monday after convincing Sen. Dianne Feinstein that she had always been a Republican. “I am once again proud to be the Senate majority leader and to head a caucus that includes my longtime…Read more...
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on (#621FS)
Volunteer archaeologists spelunking along the Oregon coast found wood from a shipwreck that researchers think belonged to a Spanish galleon that capsized in the 17th century and may have also served as inspiration for the 1985 film The Goonies. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6216R)
FREDERICKSBURG, PA—Saying she tried to keep a level head about matters like this, reasonable BTS fan Jessica Antwerp, 19, told reporters Monday that she only sends death threats in defense of lead singer J-Hope. “Look, there’s definitely a way to take fandom over the line, which is why I’ll only threaten to track down…Read more...
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on (#6216S)
CHICAGO—Warning that large swaths of the population had left themselves vulnerable, new research published Monday by the University of Chicago suggested that most Americans were one explosion away from disaster. “Our findings indicate that the average American is merely a single blast away from utter calamity,” said…Read more...
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on (#62153)
CHICAGO—Taken aback at what appeared to be an impossibly abrupt change in hairstyle, coworkers of local Black woman LeeAnn Hinsdale voiced astonishment Monday that her hair could grow so long over the weekend, describing the phenomenon as nothing short of a miracle. “Wow, it seemed like it was so short on Friday, but…Read more...
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on (#61YVW)
A Chick-fil-A restaurant in Hendersonville, NC is facing backlash after posting an offer on Facebook for volunteers to work the drive-thru in exchange for free food instead of pay. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61YHG)
“I voted no because the bill would create $400 billion in unnecessary spending to help people.”Read more...
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on (#61YB8)
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Praising the recently formed LIV Golf league for partnering with him on the groundbreaking event, former President Donald Trump hosted the Saudi-backed “Jamal Khashoggi Was No Saint” Tournament Friday at the Trump National Golf Club Bedminster. “This is going to be a really great weekend, not just for…Read more...
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on (#61X3S)
People, especially climate change deniers, love it when you prove them wrong. If someone says they don’t believe in global warming, try saying the following things.Read more...
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on (#61WZ6)
A new study has found that reduced sex drive and hair loss are among a wider set of long-term Covid symptoms based on analyzed electronic health records of 2.4 million people in the U.K. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61WXJ)
MIAMI—Highlighting the project’s massive effect on the Everglades’ ecosystem, a team of ecologists released a statement Thursday that condemns a new freeway through historic wetlands and reports that initial construction has already displaced dozens of rare bog crones. “The Florida state government has started…Read more...
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on (#61W74)
According to Russian media outlets, a chess-playing robot grabbed and broke a boy’s finger during a match at the Moscow Open, with officials saying the incident occurred because the child “violated” safety rules by taking a turn too quickly. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61VY1)
SAN FRANCISCO—Bemoaning his poor timing in entering an oversaturated industry, a late-to-the-game tech CEO complained Wednesday that apart from bananas, toilet paper, and horse farming, there was nothing left for him to revolutionize. “Aw, jeez, I wanted to disrupt something too, but there’s only three things left!”…Read more...
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on (#61VRM)
“What can I say? I just want people to suffer.”Read more...
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on (#61VMS)
My beloved, words cannot express how deeply I treasure this time we’ve spent together, and I realize now how lucky I am to know someone who makes leaving so hard. Farewell is none too sweet a word, but, unfortunately, the time has come for me to go. Rest assured, my darling, this is not goodbye, but merely see you in…Read more...
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on (#61VJT)
A new study has ranked Orlando as the number one city in the country with the highest vacancy rate of over 15%, finding it to be home to 161,000 empty housing units, with other tourist-centric towns Miami and Tampa also high on the list. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61VJW)
NEW YORK—Murmuring “no, no, no” as he feverishly scribbled equations on a sheet of graph paper, a panicking Neil deGrasse Tyson reportedly began to fade from reality Wednesday after scientifically disproving his own existence. “Dear God, the numbers, they aren’t adding up—and if that’s true, then by my calculations, I…Read more...
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on (#61V04)
A Brooklyn bishop and his wife were robbed of more than $1 million worth of jewelry by three gunmen during a live-streamed church service. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61TV8)
ATLANTA—Amid another week of record-breaking heat, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky issued an emergency authorization Tuesday for local 35-year-old David Drazen to go shirtless. “We’d normally express more hesitancy, but seeing as he’s already sweated through his entire T-shirt, we’re left with no choice but to say take…Read more...
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on (#61TRA)
On July 21, 2022, President Joe Biden was diagnosed with Covid-19. The Onion asked Americans how they felt, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#61T9F)
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Announcing a major departure from its long history as an unsuccessful enterprise, struggling cosmetics company Serendipity Beauty Emporium rebranded Monday as good. “For years, the story of our company has been one of struggle, but today we are rewriting that narrative and making it all about how…Read more...
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on (#61T98)
Customers are calling for a Walgreens boycott after claims that customers are being denied birth control and condoms, with the pharmacy stating its policy allows employees to step away from filling a prescription for which they have a moral objection. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61S2K)
NEW YORK—Horrifying those gathered around the body, the corpse of local breakdancer Jacob Lapid reportedly continued Monday to pop and lock minutes after his death. “It may seem strange to watch a corpse execute a perfect two-step, but the truth is these are nothing but ordinary muscle spasms,” said pathologist Serena…Read more...
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on (#61S12)
NEW YORK—In a journalistic dispatch posted on the news agency’s website, Associated Press reporter Will Jarvis wrote the words “Watermelon gazpacho is a great starter for summer parties” on Monday in an article that will not be winning a Pulitzer Prize this year. “For a refreshing start to a summer get-together…Read more...
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on (#61Q1K)
WASHINGTON—As evidence continues to emerge regarding the actions of U.S. lawmakers during the 2021 attack on the Capitol, the House Jan. 6 committee unveiled Friday new findings that confirm more than 200 members of Congress hooked up during the riot because they believed they were about to die. “With rioters…Read more...
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on (#61PZX)
A bipartisan group of senators have reached a deal to shore up provisions in the Electoral Count Act, to make it harder to overturn a certified presidential election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61PXH)
OKLAHOMA CITY—Suffering under more than a week’s worth of record-breaking temperatures, local homeless man Glen Lane was reportedly hallucinating Friday that he lived in a compassionate society. According to sources, the 44-year-old former sales manager, in the throes of heatstroke, mistook a gust of wind created by a…Read more...
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on (#61PBM)
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A new study conducted by researchers at Rutgers University and published Friday found a link between leaning on a mop at center stage and delivering a monologue about things ’round here. “The data we’ve been studying have shown that perching one’s hands atop the handle of the mop before looking out…Read more...
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on (#61P9T)
CHICAGO—Expressing concern for the safety and well-being of the snacks, the exasperated staff of Shedd Aquarium demanded Friday that visitors stop tapping on and yelling at vending machines. “Sir, I know you’re excited, but I’m going to have to ask you to please stop screaming and banging on the vending machine…Read more...
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on (#61NRK)
BRECKSVILLE, OH—Eagerly learning what experts were saying about the player for the fourth straight day, area baseball fan Ryan Silva remained incredibly excited for a first-round draft pick he’ll never hear about again, sources confirmed Thursday. “I couldn’t be happier that we got Chase DeLauter—this guy is the real…Read more...
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on (#61NF6)
ATLANTA—Reminding the nation that many heat-related deaths and illnesses are preventable, the Centers for Disease Control issued a new guideline Thursday stating that it’s definitely too hot out right now to wear a condom. “With temperatures reaching triple digits from Las Vegas to New York, we are asking Americans to…Read more...
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on (#61NBY)
STANFORD, CA—In a groundbreaking study that has alarmed many as the nation rolls back reproductive rights, researchers at Stanford University published startling data Thursday that revealed only 20% of unwanted babies end up being adopted by wild animals. “Contrary to conventional wisdom, we found that only one in…Read more...
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on (#61N1R)
In an anecdote that delighted fans and illustrated the actor’s commitment to his character, Tom Holland revealed that before taking on the role in 2016, he traveled to rural Minnesota in order to spend a week getting to know the real-life Spider-Man and helping out around his bait shop.Read more...
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on (#61MZV)
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got married in Las Vegas last weekend, the latest development in one of Hollywood’s most dramatic romances in recent memory. The Onion sat down with the newlyweds for an exclusive interview on the timeline of their on-again, off-again relationship.
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