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on (#61MZW)
Britain shattered its record for highest temperature ever registered amid an intense heat wave that has scorched large swathes of Europe, with temperature readings in the country rivaling those of the Sahara desert. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-05 13:30 |
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on (#61MY2)
DEARBORN, MI—Touting the new model’s power, toughness, and ability to ‘get the job done,’ the Ford Motor Co. began production Thursday on its 2023 F-450 pickup, which reportedly comes equipped with a shotgun as a standard feature in case the truck fails to kill a pedestrian on impact. “When you’re behind the wheel of…Read more...
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on (#61MDV)
The House overwhelmingly approved legislation to protect same-sex and interracial marriages amid concerns that the Supreme Court will revoke other rights in the wake of Roe v. Wade being overturned, though the bill is likely to stall in the Senate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61M8Q)
HOLLYWOOD, CA—In order to compensate for a lack of preparation on the part of the film’s production team, sources reported that a Black actress had no choice Wednesday but to bring her own hair products, makeup, and lighting equipment to a movie set. “Yeah, I’m really sorry about this, but our stylists are saying they…Read more...
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on (#61M8S)
MONROEVILLE, AL—Opening a probe into the cause of death of the stranger who had appeared upon his news feed, local heroic investigator Matthew Mallery reportedly commented “What happened?” Wednesday on an in memoriam Facebook post. “While most Facebook friends toed the polite line of ‘So sorry for your loss’ or…Read more...
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on (#61M8V)
ST. LOUIS—Explaining that it was always a good idea to have an exit strategy, local woman Nicole Massey told reporters Wednesday she has a friend on standby to drive a car through the bar window in case the date goes badly. “Hopefully I won’t need her, but if by chance there’s no chemistry between me and this guy,…Read more...
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on (#61M8X)
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got married in a late-night Las Vegas drive-through chapel, culminating a relationship that spans over two decades and two separate romances. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61JAK)
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) filed a lawsuit against the Biden administration, arguing that a recent directive for medical providers to offer abortions in emergency situations was unlawful. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61JAM)
ST. PAUL, MN—Concerns about the advancements of artificial intelligence in the private sector surfaced again Tuesday after anonymous sources with knowledge of the matter told reporters Dairy Queen had fired an employee who discovered that a Blizzard machine had gained sentience. A source within the company, whose name…Read more...
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on (#61H95)
OCOEE, FL—Stressing that he should be entitled to a better offer to keep his mouth shut, local judge Robert Arnold expressed his disappointment to reporters Monday that a proposed bribe was just the duffel bag. “When the guy I’d never seen before dropped the duffel bag next to me in the gym and said, ‘For your…Read more...
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on (#61H99)
LOS ANGELES—In a study of more than 1,000 screen legends and superstars, a new report published Monday by researchers at the University of Southern California found that 70% of celebrities were totally unaware they owned half of a tequila brand. “From George Clooney to the Chainsmokers, we found that the vast majority…Read more...
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on (#61H2B)
A new study has found that men on dating apps prefer women with poor grammar and are less drawn to well-written profiles, while women were 300% times more likely to prefer profiles with no grammatical mistakes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61F7V)
New York City’s Office of Emergency Management issued a public service announcement in case of a nuclear attack on the city, though the OEM stresses the chances of such an attack are low. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61F3W)
ST. LOUIS—Revealing that he lays awake every night contemplating what he could have done differently, regretful police officer Mike Peltz confirmed Friday that he believes more could have been done to kill an unarmed Black man. “To think, if my trigger finger was just a little quicker, that innocent Black man would be…Read more...
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on (#61F3G)
NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN—Telling the crew member to have a little more respect for his place of work, Captain Sig Gunderson scolded his deckhand Friday for throwing trash on the floor of the ship when the Great Pacific Garbage Patch was right there. “It takes all of us to keep a tidy vessel, so it would be appreciated if…Read more...
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on (#61F17)
BATON ROUGE—Coming under fire for the exclusion of critical, diverse narratives that shaped the U.S., Louisiana’s racially biased education system was criticized Friday for omitting any information about the historic moon colony created by African Americans. “It’s a testament to how much Black history is completely…Read more...
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on (#61EYF)
Monkeypox is on the rise, with nearly 1,000 cases of the infectious disease reported across the United States. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about monkeypox.
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on (#61EPX)
With real estate prices skyrocketing and remote work offering an opportunity for more flexibility, New York City has seen a recent uptick in wealthy residents leaving for greener pastures. The Onion spoke with several affluent former New Yorkers about why they left and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#61EK1)
BROKEN ARROW, OK—Clutching the arms of their chairs and forcing themselves not to look away, the entire fanbase of the Oklahoma City Thunder was reportedly reflexively holding their breath during a game Thursday night every time rookie center Chet Holmgren moved. “I can’t watch,” several Thunder fans gathered at a…Read more...
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on (#61DB6)
NEW YORK—Celebrating the life of a man who courageously stuffed his mouth, Bon Appétit honored journalist Mark Vorak who was killed in the field Thursday from eating too much and dying. “It was a testament to his bravery and fearless appetite that he so valiantly gorged himself to the point where his stomach exploded…Read more...
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on (#61DB7)
LOS ANGELES—Pledging to maintain the safety and security of the city’s most cherished destinations, an increasingly unhinged Eric Garcetti reportedly covered his own body with metal spikes Thursday to prevent homeless people from sleeping on him. “These small iron spikes will help ensure that my body is a space…Read more...
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on (#61D92)
London’s Heathrow Airport is capping daily passenger numbers for the summer and telling airlines to stop selling tickets as it steps up efforts to quell travel chaos caused by soaring travel demand and staff shortages. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61BYN)
TONOPAH, AZ—Explaining that he wasn’t going to be pressured into rushing for the sake of a gesture, a local nuclear plant employee Kevin Rachlin confirmed Monday that he wasn’t going to walk faster just because his coworker was holding open the critical reactor’s blast door for him. “I’m not going to be forced into…Read more...
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on (#61BYP)
NEW YORK—A report released Wednesday confirmed that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life and the reason is you refuse to take a bath. “You just don’t smell good—that’s the whole reason why things aren’t working out for you romantically,” read the report in part, ruling out other factors in your…Read more...
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on (#61BX9)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the ammunition would soon be available over the counter, the FDA reportedly approved a new bullet Tuesday for use on humans. “Given their high level of effectiveness in our trials, we have decided to authorize these new bullets for human use,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, explaining…Read more...
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on (#61BC7)
WASHINGTON—A report published Tuesday after the release of the inaugural photographs from NASA’s James Webb Telescope found that the deepest, sharpest images of the universe still pale in comparison to a Lisa Frank folder. “While the Webb telescope’s imagery of nebulae and star clusters is technically impressive,…Read more...
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on (#61BAH)
A new CDC report has found that more than 80% of urine samples taken from 2,310 children and adults contained glyphosate, a weed-killing chemical found in herbicides around the world that has been linked to cancer. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61B5K)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to back out of the $44 billion offer to buy the social media company, Elon Musk reportedly deleted the Twitter app from his phone on Tuesday. “God, this whole thing has turned into such a nightmare—it’s time to end this mess once and for all,” said the 51-year-old Tesla CEO, who slowly pressed…Read more...
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on (#61B5M)
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Applauding workers for making the ultimate sacrifice, Amazon supervisor Todd Clark delivered a rousing speech to employees Tuesday about honorably laying down their lives for Prime Day. “Though your body may perish on your delivery route, your passing will ensure that the legacy of Prime Day lives on…Read more...
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on (#61AHY)
NEW YORK—Informing the bustling crowd it was time to bid on the night’s big-ticket item, Sotheby’s officials announced Tuesday the auctioning off of a rare date with a T. rex skeleton. “Up next, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, one fabulous night for two out on the town with this handsome, enchanting—and might…Read more...
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on (#61AFV)
WASHINGTON—Exploring his options for responding to several crises mounting across the country, President Joe Biden told reporters Tuesday that he was seriously considering the prospect of convening the first-ever meeting of his cabinet. “It’s a pretty drastic step, so you don’t want to do something like this unless…Read more...
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on (#619G7)
BLOOMFIELD, CT—Urging their client to cover all of the expenses related to their medical condition just this one last time, insurance company Cigna reportedly swore Monday that they’ll definitely get the next round. “Listen, if you grab this one, we’ll pick up the next bill for sure,” said an official from the Fortune …Read more...
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on (#619FV)
Services like Affirm and Afterpay that offer the ability to buy products now and pay for them later are becoming increasingly popular, with one study finding that over half of consumers have used one, but critics warn that many users don’t understand the potential consequences. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of…Read more...
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on (#61960)
COLUMBUS, IN—Saying he must be involved in some sort of high-stakes negotiations over the terms of a sale worth billions of dollars, hotel sources told reporters Monday that the unidentified man using the La Quinta business center must be a top-ranking corporate executive in town to close a major deal. “He’s been in…Read more...
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on (#6179R)
Boris Johnson announced his resignation after more than 50 conservative lawmakers stepped down in protest, saying the prime minister was no longer fit to lead the country due to a series of scandals, the latest surrounding sexual misconduct by a deputy chief whip he promoted. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6179T)
SAN FRANCISCO—According to a new report released Friday by the National Association of Realtors, more young American adults are becoming homeowners by renting a house or apartment on Airbnb and then changing the locks. “Though millennials had to endure the Great Recession and are now faced with soaring housing costs,…Read more...
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on (#6175E)
DETROIT—In an effort to determine if she was overreacting to her injuries, skeptical physician Wayne Mahomes asked his patient Megan Wensberg, who was flattened by a steamroller this week, to rate her pain. “Now, realistically, on a scale of one to 10, with one being no pain and 10 being the worst pain possible, what…Read more...
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on (#6175F)
“I’m for whatever leads to fewer Americans.”Read more...
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on (#616QY)
ATLANTA—In what the company is touting as the first writing implement of its kind, permanent marker brand Sharpie introduced a new line of pens Friday designed specifically for making a subtle mark on a bottle of alcohol to determine if your supposedly sober boyfriend is drinking again. “Offering the ultimate in…Read more...
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on (#616QZ)
A dispatch assistant at a cold meats manufacturer in Chile submitted his resignation and could not be found after his job accidentally paid him about 330 times his salary because of a payroll error, the man receiving $180,418 instead of his monthly $545 paycheck. What do you think?Read more...
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