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on (#5KD2E)
NEW YORK—Clucking his tongue with mock disappointment, Bill De Blasio announced to New Yorkers that “It’s not so easy to find a mayor that doesn’t suck shit after all, huh?” during a press conference Tuesday. “Hey, you all gave it your best shot, but it looks like it’s a little harder than you thought to run a…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 08:00 |
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on (#5KCX0)
ELKTON, MD—In an effort to avoid appearing too desperate, local 911 operator Denise Sarris confirmed Tuesday that she likes to let the phone ring for a couple of seconds so her callers don’t get the impression that she’s just standing by the phone all day. “When I get a call, I always like to wait three or four rings,…Read more...
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on (#5KCTG)
WASHINGTON—Urging the nation to get a head start on what they described as an inevitable decision, the Brookings Institute released a statement Tuesday encouraging Americans to start thinking about what form of government they would like to try after democracy crumbles. “We’re urging this country’s citizens to really…Read more...
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on (#5KB6X)
DENTON, TX—Noting their propensity for antics and shenanigans, area couple Zack Evans and Julie Stuber told reporters Monday they think they’re pretty fun. “Say what you will, but we think we’re just a riot,” said Stuber, explaining that the two brought different things to the table, with Evans always being quick with…Read more...
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on (#5KB70)
“Is it time for us to fight now or are we waiting until after the crew takes lunch?”Read more...
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on (#5K7TD)
DURHAM, NC—Growing increasingly desperate as she progressed further and further down the store aisle, local woman Chelsea Paxton was reportedly struggling to find a Father’s Day card Friday that didn’t use the word “love.” “This one just says ‘Thanks for everything’ inside, which is vague and brief like I wanted, but…Read more...
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on (#5K694)
MIAMI—Touting the new vacation package as a never-to-be-repeated limited-time offer, Norwegian Cruise Line announced Thursday it would begin offering a special “Now or Never” tour of sites that still remain above water on the Arctic coast. “We invite travelers to join us as we sail past the rugged majestic tundra for…Read more...
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on (#5K693)
From the most thrilling historic championships to the lowliest mid-season baseball game, announcers and broadcasters frequently define the experience of passively absorbing someone else’s amazing achievements. Here are some of the most iconic sportscasters of all time.Read more...
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on (#5K690)
U.S. Olympic runner Shelby Houlihan has been given a four-year ban from the sport after the Athletics Integrity Unit rejected her claim that a contaminated pork burrito she ate caused her positive steroid test. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5K5JC)
The Girl Scouts have reported that 15 million boxes of cookies have gone unsold this year, a surplus caused by the absence of in-person sales due to the Covid-19 pandemic and a drop in membership. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5K574)
MORRISTOWN, NJ—Warning that if you pass the high school you should just keep going because this way is actually quicker, local man Zach Bishop told sources Wednesday that you “want to take three quick lefts” while expertly hiding that he fucked up his directions. “You want to turn on Budd and then Searing, then quick…Read more...
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on (#5K575)
Recent revelations that former President Donald Trump directed the U.S. Justice Department to seek compromising information on politicians, journalists, and others he didn’t like has sent shockwaves through Washington. The Onion looks at the most important things you need to know about Trump’s Justice Department…Read more...
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on (#5K576)
WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration at the prospect of adding yet another basketball player to their collective consciousness, the nation begrudgingly agreed Wednesday to learn Suns guard Devin Booker’s name. “Alright, alright I guess he’s good enough to start keeping tabs on, whatever,” said Elijah Forbes, echoing the…Read more...
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on (#5K506)
When letting an evil, bloodthirsty monster into your home to serve as your pet, it never hurts to be prepared. Here are the things every cat owner wished they’d known before adopting.Read more...
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on (#5K4RV)
Well, that’s a wrap for one of the most jaw-dropping, brain-melting events in gaming history. We’re still catching all our breath from all the great reveals and sneak-peaks, but here’s our wholly preliminary list of the highlights of E3 2021!
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on (#5K3T9)
Around 10,000 volunteers have quit the Tokyo 2020 Olympics in recent weeks amid rising concerns over holding the games during a pandemic with less than 3% of Japan’s population vaccinated. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5K36V)
A retired nun faces up to 40 years in prison after she admitted to embezzling $835,000 from a Catholic school in California, using tuition fees and donations to subsidize her casino gambling expenses. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5K36T)
We’ve seen a wave of shocking announcements and amazing reveals at this year’s all-digital E3, but Nintendo just dropped a bomb that blows everything else out of the water. Breath Of The Wild 2 is finally here, gamers, and it’s embracing the legendary company’s roots by being a vacuum cleaner.
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on (#5K36S)
ST. PAUL, MN—Droning on and on about how difficult it was to lead a plant-based lifestyle throughout the ’90s and early 2000s, vegetarian Robert Emery rambled to reporters Tuesday about the days when menus only had one non-meat option. “I’m telling you, kids today have no idea what it’s like to go to a restaurant,…Read more...
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on (#5K36R)
BALTIMORE—In an effort to tap into a large, underserved market, Under Armour launched a new line of workout attire Tuesday aimed at women who need to evade men wearing Under Armour. “We know the kind of speed our athletes need to escape these men,” said spokesperson Elaine Jennings, touting the line’s breathable,…Read more...
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on (#5K2C2)
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to lay to rest concerns that their business model was no longer viable, Uber issued a statement Monday promising they were taking every fucked-up step they could to decrease ride fees. “Although some users may be experiencing prices that are higher than expected right now, please know that…Read more...
on (#5K285)
LAWTON, OK—Stating that the woman was in perfectly fine health and that she saw no reason to spoil the otherwise good news, local doctor Samantha Timmons confirmed Monday she had decided not to ruin her patient Jenna Malvern’s day by informing her she was pregnant. “She came in here so upbeat—glowing, even—and I’d…Read more...
on (#5K1Q4)
El Salvador has become the first country to approve Bitcoin as legal tender, with President Bukele claiming it will increase financial inclusion for the 70% of residents without bank accounts, despite critics warning of the cryptocurrency’s high volatility. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JZ5W)
The developer of the Keystone XL Pipeline has announced it is abandoning the controversial $8 billion project after the Biden administration revoked a key cross-border permit in January, marking a major win for environmentalists. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JYTS)
There’s nothing better than watching corporations use their powers for good, so we’re happy to report that Sony is putting their money where their mouth is when it comes to environmentalism with a new announcement: For every PS5 they sell, they will plant a PS4 in the Amazon Rainforest.
on (#5JYQR)
Whether you believe in aliens or not, humans have reported terrifying encounters with unidentified flying objects since the dawn of time. Here are some of the most shocking sightings that The Onion has sourced from historical records.Read more...
on (#5JYQS)
Graduation season is upon us, and anyone who’s sat through one of those fucking interminable things knows that graduation speeches can make or break an event. The Onion offers tips for writing a memorable graduation speech.
on (#5JYFA)
Turkey’s Marmara Sea is experiencing the largest ever outbreak of “sea snot,” a slimy layer of mucilage caused by rising temperatures and algae overloaded with pollutants, threatening marine life and risking a possible disease outbreak. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JYF9)
Holy cow, E3 is almost here, and we couldn’t be more pumped for the flood of previews, sneak peaks, and mind-blowing announcements that are about to hit the gaming community. But if you don’t feel satisfied gamers, we’re here to give E3 fans even more to love: Something called the G7 summit is happening, and it looks…Read more...
on (#5JXJ1)
NEW YORK—Describing the new pharmaceutical as a revolution in the biomedical field, Pfizer announced Thursday a breakthrough medication that would treat executives to a new chalet in the Swiss alps. “What makes Execupril such a game-changer is that it finally gives hope to the executive community who have felt despair…Read more...
on (#5JXBP)
EAU CLAIRE, WI—Browsing for something that was both classy and versatile, local man Ron Schneider was shopping for a bowling shoe Thursday that could also be worn to funerals and weddings. “I don’t want to have a closet full of shoes, but I also need something nice enough to bowl in,” said Schneider, who examined a…Read more...
on (#5JXBN)
SEATTLE—Coming together to pay tribute to the 27-year-old in a manner they felt would honor him best, community members of the Capitol Hill neighborhood reportedly gathered for a vigil Thursday where they placed candles and flowers atop the spot where cyclist Jeremy Samson was currently bleeding out. “God, it’s so…Read more...
on (#5JW0Z)
BOSTON—Calling the benefit the only way to lure employees back into the workforce following the pandemic, local employer Apex Insurance announced Wednesday that it would begin offering basic dignity as an incentive for new hires. “Frankly, we don’t have the resources to hand out respect to every new hire, but if…Read more...
on (#5JSTY)
United Airlines has announced a deal to buy 15 supersonic jets with plans to carry passengers on flights traveling faster than the speed of sound by 2029, nearly two decades after the grounding of the Concorde. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JSTX)
Although it might be all-digital this year, the venerable E3 name still packs enough of a punch to have gamers worldwide quaking with excitement for all the sneak peaks, leaks, and new releases sure to be teased during the biggest week in gaming. Here are the most anticipated announcements for E3 2021!
on (#5JSTW)
AUSTIN, TX—In what many are calling the future of the automotive industry, a revolutionary driverless car unveiled Tuesday requires zero functional technology to generate profit. “While many companies in the autonomous vehicle sector have unveiled models to generate funding with little feasible technology, what sets…Read more...
on (#5JS3C)
BROOKLYN, NY—Expressing frustration that she had to reroute her walk, local woman Shelly Jenkins confided to reporters Monday that she was unnerved by a group of guys standing around the entrance of her new condo when she was just trying to gentrify the street. “All I want to do is go about my day and fundamentally…Read more...
on (#5JS12)
MIAMI—With leading commentators agreeing their grit and tenacity were on full display during the match-up, the American people were widely praised for lasting eight rounds against Logan Paul in an exhibition match Sunday night. “Look, regardless of the outcome, you have to hand it to the nation for going the distance…Read more...
on (#5JRXT)
WASHINGTON—In the latest overture to secure a deal with congressional Republicans, President Joe Biden made a significant concession in ongoing infrastructure negotiations Monday by partially demolishing the Brooklyn Bridge. “Look, if we’re ever going to move past the contentiousness of the past four years, we need to…Read more...
on (#5JRXV)
While ostensibly about Elton John, this biopic was actually a nearly identical remake of every other rock star biopic that has ever been made.
on (#5JMDD)
ATHENS, OH—Expressing annoyance at the pest that had taken up residence in her house, local woman Rebecca Behneke was reportedly shooing away a feral driverless car Thursday that was rooting around in her garage. “I was in the living room and heard some rustling noises, and I walk into the garage to see this little…Read more...
on (#5JK48)
Texas governor Greg Abbott says he intends to withhold paychecks to state lawmakers after House Democrats staged a walkout to block voting restrictions that would cut back polling hours and access to mail-in voting. What do you think?Read more...