 |
| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 10:00 |
 |
on (#68NNJ)
President Joe Biden delivered his second State of the Union address to the nation last night. The Onion looks at the highlights of the president’s speech.
|
 |
on (#68N5V)
WASHINGTON—In a covert operation in which intelligence officials are believed to have targeted dozens of hotties across the globe, the CIA has engaged in a sophisticated, ongoing effort to get President Biden laid, a whistleblower at the agency told reporters Wednesday. “On numerous occasions, the Central Intelligence…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68N2D)
Biden’s second State of the Union has already generated a fair share of controversy, covering hot-button issues like inflation, police brutality, and rising tensions with China. The Onion asked Republicans what they thought of the address, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#68KVG)
WASHINGTON—Under fire for their role in alleged sexual abuse, the nation’s children were rocked by a getting molested scandal, sources confirmed Tuesday. “How can we continue to even trust the children community if they go around getting molested like this?” said parent Linda Cowan, who was just one of hundreds of…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68KVH)
After 23 years in the NFL, including a brief 40-day retirement followed by a final season with the Buccaneers, Tom Brady has finally decided to retire again. The Onion asked his fans to describe how they felt, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
Police Stop Black Civilian For Fitting Description Of Giant Fire-Breathing Reptile Terrorizing Tokyo
on (#68KVK)
LOS ANGELES—In an incident widely criticized as racial profiling, sources reported Thursday that L.A. police officers had stopped a local Black man who they claimed fit the description of a giant, fire-breathing reptile that was currently terrorizing Tokyo. “Right after we heard reports of a 400-foot kaiju knocking…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68K7Z)
Massachusetts Democrats have proposed a bill that would allow prisoners to donate their organs for reduced sentences, giving people up to a year off their prison sentence “on the condition that the incarcerated individual has donated bone marrow or organ(s).” What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#68K3H)
A former head of food services at a south suburban school district has been charged in a massive embezzlement scheme in which she allegedly stole more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings valued at $1.5 million over a 19-month period. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#68JP0)
In response to new rules issued by the administration of Gov. Ron DeSantis, teachers are being ordered to remove all books from libraries and classrooms until they can be approved by a state-trained “certified media specialist.” The following books are currently banned from schools in Florida.Read more...
|
 |
‘Wowie Zowie, An Email From Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff!’ Cries Imaginary Person Marketed To By DNC
on (#68JP1)
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Exclaiming with hypothetical delight upon receiving the correspondence from the vice president’s husband, local imaginary person Caitlin Hofstadter reportedly reacted to a Democratic National Committee fundraising message Monday by crying out, “Wowie zowie, an email from second gentleman Doug Emhoff!”…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68JP2)
ATLANTA—The professional football world was reportedly rocked Monday when the Super Company issued a press release announcing that it would not renew its sponsorship contract with the NFL’s championship bowl game. “Following some underperformance in terms of our financial goals over the past several years, our company…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68JP3)
BALTIMORE—Providing further insight into modern eating habits, a study published Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that a majority of Americans no longer bother to unwrap their hamburgers before eating them. “The number of American diners who bite into their burgers without removing the paper…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68JP4)
MINNETONKA, MN—Calling the behavior mean-spirited and over the line, poor little insurer UnitedHealth Group told reporters Monday that cancer patient Belinda Rollins had harassed the company until it finally agreed to cover her bill. “That woman called us constantly, from the moment our phone lines opened until the…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68JP5)
MINNEAPOLIS—Assuring the public his department would never allow severe misconduct to go unpunished, the chief of police in Minneapolis vowed Monday that officer Bill Branum, who recently shot and killed an unarmed civilian during a traffic stop, would receive the harshest possible nickname. “We wholeheartedly condemn…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#68FD3)
NEW YORK—In a move designed to make the curriculum more palatable to conservatives, the College Board announced Thursday that its revised AP African American Studies course would focus mostly on Herman Cain’s rise to CEO of a pizza restaurant chain. “As of today, the newest iteration of the AP African American Studies…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#68F62)
REYNOLDSBURG, OH—In what the lingerie retailer described as a well-meaning but ultimately misguided attempt to give its customers what they wanted, Victoria’s Secret apologized Thursday for an ill-advised body positivity campaign that included images in which a horse is seen wearing a bra. “Please know that we were…Read more...
|
|
on (#68EW4)
In a recent study, scientists were able to alter the genetic structures of DNA in mice to either accelerate or reverse effects of aging like deteriorating eyesight, smaller attention span, and skin tissue falters. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#68ETW)
Following recent Senate hearings on Ticketmaster, more and more artists are speaking out against the online ticket-sales monolith. The Onion asked musicians how they felt about the platform, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#68ETX)
LOS ANGELES—Arguing that the move would technically help decrease inequality across the city, members of the Los Angeles City Council announced Thursday that they hoped building a freeway through a white neighborhood could count as reparations. “We hate to ask, but is there any way that expanding a highway through a…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#68DPG)
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Updating the company’s terms of service, live-entertainment giant Ticketmaster announced Wednesday that it would soon be requiring customers to purchase round-trip tickets to cover the cost of both entering and exiting a concert venue. “Round-trip tickets will only be required in cases where the…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68DHZ)
FISHERS, IN—With his effort failing to result in the instant death he’d expected, local cop Bryce McDermott expressed confusion Wednesday after he poured fentanyl on his wife and nothing happened. “I don’t understand—all the guys at work told me that any skin contact with this stuff will immediately kill you,” said…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68CAP)
OXNARD, CA—Living longer than any citizen in the nation’s history, Gus Rolnicki, the world’s oldest American, passed away Tuesday at the age of 72. “My grandfather was the last person who could tell you what it was like to watch television in black-and-white, or turn on the radio and hear bands like Creedence…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68C92)
BOSTON—Despite everyone laughing at what is admittedly a very silly misunderstanding, a report released Tuesday found that you should not be fooled and that even now the seeds of resentment are taking root. “Go ahead and yuck it up about the ridiculous mishap, but make no mistake, the bitterness is already…Read more...
|
 |
on (#68B81)
WASHINGTON—Touting his administration’s commitment to improving the nation’s rapidly deteriorating infrastructure, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had officially secured the United States of America an extra trash can. “After extensive negotiations with congressional leaders, I’m pleased to report we have…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6896D)
KYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in Ukraine’s war effort. “You know, one of those expertly trained,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#6896E)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Conference Championships.Read more...
|
|
on (#68958)
Meta has announced that Donald Trump’s Facebook and Instagram accounts will be reinstated, two years after he was suspended over incendiary posts about the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6894Y)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to encourage those who were in possession of sensitive items to bring them back as soon as possible, White House officials announced Friday that a new drop box outside the National Archives would allow former presidents to anonymously return classified documents. “Any past commander-in-chief…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#688Z1)
WASHINGTON—Feigning shock and surprise over gruesome details about the murder of Tyre Nichols by Memphis Police, U.S. officials announced plans Friday to continue pretending brutal state-sponsored violence was not supposed to happen. “Today, as we deal with the fallout from the death of Tyre Nichols, myself and the…Read more...
|
 |
on (#688KG)
SAN DIEGO—Remaining unhoused despite the brave sacrifices he made to keep America safe, sources reported Friday that Tinker, a local dolphin trained to kill by the U.S. military in the 1960s, was found lying destitute under a bridge downtown. “It’s really sad, after everything they went through in Vietnam, to see…Read more...
|
 |
on (#688KH)
NEW YORK—Three hours into a craniotomy at New York–Presbyterian Hospital on Friday, brain surgeon James Roth reportedly held a small mirror up behind the patient’s head so she could see how the surgery was looking so far. “Do we love it?” asked the neurosurgeon, who used the handheld looking glass in tandem with a…Read more...
|
 |
on (#688KJ)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis recently blocked an Advanced Placement African American history course from public schools. The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose an AP African American history course, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#687ZB)
Pop star Justin Bieber has sold the rights to his music to Blackstone-backed Hipgnosis Songs Capital for $200 million, making the 28-year-old “Baby” and “Love Yourself” artist one of the youngest superstars to cash in on his life’s work. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#687WX)
PALM BEACH, FL—Wistfully remarking how things had changed since he left the social media site two years ago, former President Donald Trump reportedly returned to Facebook Thursday to find everyone engaged and having babies. “Oh wow, Kevin and Kim had a cute little kid after all those years of trying—good for…Read more...
|
 |
on (#687WJ)
MEMPHIS, TN—In an attempt to quell public outrage over the upcoming release of body-cam footage showing the deadly beating of Tyre Nichols by five of its officers, the Memphis Police Department continued to urge calm Thursday in light of the unspeakable evil they had committed. “I understand that this heinous atrocity…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#687TZ)
VATICAN CITY—In a progressive step forward for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis declared Thursday that there was nothing wrong with a guy giving his buddy a tug job after a few drinks. “We are all children of God, and sometimes those children start feeling lonely after happy hour and one thing leads to another,” said…Read more...
|
 |
on (#687JX)
WOOSTER, OH—Noting that the self-imposed period of sobriety had given him a new lease on life, local man Jeremy Thatcher told reporters Thursday that doing “Dry January” made him feel like he had been abusing his family way less. “Ever since I stopped drinking booze this month, I’ve noticed I’ve generally had way less…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#687JZ)
The recent discoveries of classified documents at the homes of President Joe Biden and former Vice President Mike Pence, coming on the heels of the FBI’s seizure of classified documents from former President Donald Trump’s residence in August 2022, have raised numerous ethical and political questions. The Onion tells…Read more...
|
 |