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on (#6878W)
If you’re suspected of a crime, one of the first places the authorities will search is your online history. If you’re under investigation, never google the following things.Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 10:00 |
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on (#686BX)
BLOOMINGTON, IN—In a shocking development that came mere minutes into sitting down with the prospective partner at a regional coffee shop, the phrase “footloose and fancy free” made a sudden and confusing return to local woman Tara Waldman’s vocabulary during a first date, sources reported Wednesday. “Oh my God, where…Read more...
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on (#6860S)
WASHINGTON—Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson continued his crusade against the nation’s ongoing political and cultural crises Tuesday night when he reportedly slammed the woke replacement of manly news anchors with shrieking identity-obsessed losers. “What has happened to this country? When we turn on our televisions,…Read more...
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on (#6860T)
CHICAGO—Enthralled by the sight of the 4,000-pound vehicle straining with all its might to break through to them, a group of children had reportedly gathered at the edge of a school playground Wednesday to watch as a self-driving Tesla repeatedly rammed into the fence. “It’s been doing it for, like, 20 minutes…Read more...
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on (#6860V)
Pizza Hut has broken the world record for the world’s largest pizza, making a nearly 14,000 square-foot New York-style pizza capable of serving 68,000 slices. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#685ZA)
Far-right Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro fled to the United States after leading an unsuccessful campaign to overturn the results of the presidential last election. Here is everything Bolsonaro has done while in exile in Orlando, FL.Read more...
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on (#685AY)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following orders to obtain vital scientific knowledge through any means necessary, a team of biologists at Harvard University tortured an amoeba in an attempt to extract information on where life came from, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You fuckers have been on this planet for 750 million years, and you…Read more...
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on (#6856E)
OMAHA, NE—In effort to provide each student with specialized attention, local school resource officer Tony Wahl confirmed Tuesday that he had a personalized chokeslam for everyone at Benson Magnet High School. “They love it,” said Wahl, pounding a fist into an open hand as he waited at the door for the line of…Read more...
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on (#68541)
HALF MOON BAY, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals and injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...
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on (#68542)
WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Department of Justice found that the minority of murders in the U.S. were committed by someone the victim didn’t know, but could have if they had gone out and socialized more. “One out of 10 murder victims were most likely killed by a complete stranger because the victim…Read more...
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on (#684PV)
Dominican sailor Elvis Francois was rescued by the Colombian navy after he says his sailboat was swept off to sea while making repairs, surviving the 24-day ordeal by eating only a bottle of ketchup and some seasonings. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#684PW)
DARIEN, CT—Members of the wealthy Allerton family reportedly read their mail with excitement Tuesday after they were sent a little life update on a senator they have sponsored for the past several years. “Thom is doing just great in the Senate—he’s made a lot of friends, and he even recently co-sponsored a bill,…Read more...
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on (#684P3)
Recently, a member of the Consumer Product Safety Commission suggested in an interview that gas stoves could be banned, setting off a firestorm in ring-wing circles that continued even after the federal agency clarified that no such plan was in the works. The Onion asked conservatives how they would feel if a ban were…Read more...
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on (#683XP)
POCATELLO, ID—Promising that some things about their family would never change, local parents Laney and Graham Porter told their children Monday that their divorce wouldn’t prevent them from drunkenly hooking up on occasion. “Kids, I know you’re sad that I won’t be living here anymore, but that doesn’t mean I won’t…Read more...
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on (#683ME)
ITASCA, IL—In an effort to better mitigate the effects of the chronic disease, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued new guidelines Monday recommending that children affected by obesity compensate with their personality. “Today, there are over 14 million children in the United States suffering from obesity, and…Read more...
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on (#683H1)
ANN ARBOR, MI—Wanting to provide his wife with the support she needed during this time, father-to-be Trey McCaffrey told reporters Monday that he had pledged to stay sober for one or two weeks while his wife was pregnant. “If my wife isn’t going to drink for nine months, then as a show of solidarity I’m going to…Read more...
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on (#683FF)
Oscar-nominated actor Alec Baldwin will be charged with involuntary manslaughter in the fatal shooting of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins, whom he killed while rehearsing with a pistol on the New Mexico set of the Western movie Rust. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#682ZY)
BUFFALO, NY—Reached for comment on his experience officiating the NFL divisional round playoff game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Buffalo Bills, referee Clay Martin told reporters Sunday that he couldn’t help but grin while calling a penalty to bring back a huge gain. “I have to admit, watching those players…Read more...
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on (#681JZ)
New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, who gained international praise for her adept response to the nation’s worst mass shooting and pandemic, will step down, saying she no longer had “enough in the tank” to do the job justice. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#681H9)
WASHINGTON—Pointing at each other and shouting as huge grins formed on their faces, Supreme Court Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas shared a long laugh this week after discovering they had both leaked the decision in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization. “Wait, you leaked the Dobbs majority opinion to …Read more...
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on (#6814Z)
LOS ANGELES—Maintaining that the suspects were clearly trespassing on city property, the Los Angeles Police Department arrested dozens of homeless residents found squatting in a shelter Thursday. “Today, the LAPD received multiple tips indicating that unhoused individuals were endangering the community by illegally…Read more...
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on (#68150)
BOSTON—As concerns about the long-term consequences of NFL participation continue to grow, a new study released Friday found that a majority of NFL owners wouldn’t let their children purchase a football team. “It was a different time when I bought my way into the NFL, but knowing what we know now, there’s no way in…Read more...
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on (#68118)
CHICAGO—According to a new study released Friday by researchers at the University of Chicago, 1 in 10 Americans lack access to adequate food eating challenges. “It is a disgrace that in a nation as wealthy as the United States, millions of people across the country do not know where their next 5-pound hamburger is…Read more...
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on (#680Z6)
Dry January is a monthlong challenge during which participants are encouraged to remain sober to improve their “health” and promote “responsible drinking habits.” Should you know someone insane enough to try it, never say these things.Read more...
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on (#67ZSA)
GREEN BAY, WI—Following a disappointing season in which his team finished with a losing record and failed to make the postseason, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Thursday that he would decide his future career plans by consulting with a coven of his trusted witches. “I need to take some time…Read more...
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on (#67ZQ9)
RUTLAND, VT—After he clicked at blinding speed through recommended videos touting election conspiracy theories, holocaust denial, and outright ethnic cleansing, sources confirmed Thursday that local YouTube speedrunner James Flannery had become a full-blown fascist in record time. According to reports, the speedrun,…Read more...
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on (#67ZQA)
ASTORIA, OREGON—In an effort to help their children form a healthy relationship with alcohol, local parents Jim and Laurie Eustis told reporters Thursday that they felt safer letting their kids drink and drive under their own roof. “If they’re going to recklessly weave their car in and out of traffic going 90 miles…Read more...
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on (#67ZPB)
Coworkers should never be seen outside of work, and especially not on dating apps. If you have the misfortune of encountering a fellow employee on Tinder, here is what you should say.Read more...
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Man Who Donated Sperm 25 Years Ago Contacted By Young Man Claiming To Be Guy Who Drank All His Sperm
on (#67ZNB)
ODESSA, TX—Shocked by the stranger on his doorstep purporting to share an intimate connection with him, local 63-year-old Mark Sanderson, who donated sperm on numerous occasions 25 years ago, was reportedly visited Thursday by a young man claiming to be the guy who drank all his sperm. “I know this may be a little…Read more...
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on (#67ZMC)
According to a new report from the American Cancer Society, the rate of people dying from cancer in the United States has declined 33% since 1991, the trend being attributed to early detection, lower rates of smoking, and advancements in treatment. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67YG6)
While polyamory is growing in popularity, the practice of dating multiple partners is often still widely misunderstood. Here are the most common misconceptions people have about polyamorous relationships.Read more...
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on (#67YG7)
BETHESDA, MD—Citing new data on the appliance’s hidden hazards, a statement released Wednesday by the Consumer Product Safety Commission warned that gas stoves could be slowly ingratiating themselves into American households in order to kill the family matriarch and take her place. “According to the latest research,…Read more...
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on (#67YG8)
CHICOPEE, MA—Silently chanting the refrain in their heads as they stared dead-eyed at half-eaten platters, every customer in a local Buffalo Wild Wings was reportedly only thinking “Eat the flesh, suck the bones, suck the flesh, eat the bones,” sources confirmed Wednesday. “The flesh gives strength, the bones give…Read more...
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on (#67YG9)
CHICAGO—Stressing that such individuals would be doing her company a solid, Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Kim Keck announced Wednesday that it would really help if sick insured people just killed themselves. “Look, let me be frank here, if a few hundred thousand people deep into cancer treatment just offed …Read more...
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on (#67X5G)
We all know celebrities are privileged, but that privilege grows exponentially when it’s passed on to their spawn. Here are the things people hate the most about nepo babies.Read more...
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on (#67X5H)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Attempting to keep a straight face amidst an awkward racial faux pas, local Black woman Imani Coleman reportedly didn’t want to admit that she actually did know the random other Black woman her coworker asked her about Monday. “It’s really frustrating, since I know he only brought up Vanessa because he…Read more...
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on (#67W7G)
NEW YORK—Shedding new light on how the nation’s wealthiest avoided paying taxes, a new report released Monday by ProPublica found that U.S. billionaires have been paying zero dollars in federal income taxes for years by writing, “No thank you please,” on their returns. “Dozens of billionaires fail to pay their fair…Read more...
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on (#67W42)
With an increasing number of people seeking professional help to address intimacy issues, The Onion examines the most common questions that sex therapists get asked.Read more...
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on (#67T2S)
Aides to President Joe Biden discovered at least one additional batch of classified documents in his home garage in Delaware. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67T0K)
PALM BEACH, FL—Declaring the penalty extreme and unjust, Donald Trump condemned the New York courts Friday for forcing his already cash-strapped supporters to pay a $1.6 million fine for tax fraud. “It is wrong for the courts to place this undue burden on my followers, who have already spent many millions of dollars…Read more...
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