 |
on (#67T0M)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that there was a “zero-percent chance” she had mishandled sensitive information, Vice President Kamala Harris assured the American public Friday that no one had given her a single classified document. “Not to look at, not even to hold—frankly, I couldn’t even tell you where they’re kept,” said…Read more...
|
| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 15:15 |
 |
on (#67SMK)
After 15 votes and multiple days of negotiations, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) finally won his bid to become speaker of the House. The Onion examines what concessions McCarthy had to make.Read more...
|
 |
on (#67SH9)
DORADO, PUERTO RICO—Vowing to put the animal in her place “once and for all,” internet personality and professional wrestler Logan Paul publicly challenged his former pet pig Pearl to a boxing match on Friday. “I heard you’ve been oinking a lot of shit about me, Pearl, but soon the whole world will know the clown that…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67SFQ)
I have a story and it is very important and I know it is important because the bookman came to me and said Prince Harry (who is me) you have a very important story and you will make loads of money if you tell it to everyone and I said okay thank you for that idea and then I sat down and wrote the story of Prince Harry…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67RPS)
CHICAGO—In an effort to boost brand awareness among crucial demographic groups, Dr. Scholl’s confirmed Thursday that they would start planting their foot care products in customers’ bags and just claiming they stole it. “What we hope to do is casually drop our gel inserts and orthotics into a customer’s purse and…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67RM9)
The 2022 midterms saw Republicans gain control of the House and the Democrats add one seat to their slim Senate majority, giving rise to concern that a divided Congress will be unable to address the nation’s most pressing issues. The Onion looks at the 118th Congress’ top agenda items for the next two years.
|
 |
on (#67R8A)
Copyrights on works from 1927, including Arthur Conan Doyle’s short story collection The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes, have expired, making the works open to the public to legally share, perform, reuse, repurpose, or sample without permission or cost. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#67R6G)
SAN RAMON, CA—Observing that it was somehow on him every time to roll over and nudge his owner’s hand with his snout, local canine Peanut reportedly expressed concern Thursday that he was always the one to initiate petting. “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but just one time when we’re lying together on the couch, I…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67R68)
From the Jean Teasdale email cyber-compu-bag: “Hey Jean, is Hubby Rick still alive?” Why, thanks for asking, Greg! Also, thanks to Anthony and Darci for the same question, as well as Mitch, Dale, Naomi, Chris, Jo, and Baptiste! The answer, as always, is a resounding oui, ja, si, and Chinese for yes! It’s still the…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67QNK)
Rapper Dr. Dre has sent a cease-and-desist letter to U.S. politician Marjorie Taylor Greene, after she used his song “Still D.R.E.” in a promotional video. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#67QHN)
WASHINGTON—Circling the words “dead soon” for emphasis, Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) reportedly used a whiteboard Wednesday to explain to Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) why the public office held by Feinstein for 30 years belonged to Porter now. “So as you can see here, the average life expectancy for a woman in the United…Read more...
|
 |
 |
|
on (#67QAE)
A recently released United Nations assessment found that the hole in the Earth’s protective ozone layer is on track to fully mend by 2066, following measures taken by world governments in the late 1980s to phase out ozone-depleting substances. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#67PZF)
GALLATIN, TN—Citing the adage “less is more,” mortuary cosmetologist Rhonda Greenfield opted Wednesday to give her client at Bradford Funeral Home a more natural decomposing look for his upcoming open-casket viewing. “Corpses can look so overdone with all the foundation and blush, so I’m going to use a lighter touch…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67PXX)
BOSTON—In an effort to keep things as stilted as possible, local man Terrence Williams told reporters he had memorized several awkward remarks for a first date Wednesday night in case it wasn’t going uncomfortably enough. “I always like to have a couple conversation-enders up my sleeve for when things don’t…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67PXM)
With the significant increase in deceptive activity online, The Onion provides a handy guide to determine if someone is catfishing you.Read more...
|
 |
on (#67P9X)
LINCOLN, NE—Noting the low attack rates among modern corn, a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Nebraska found that early humans selectively bred corn to be less aggressive. “Though ingenuity and careful breeding, early Native American farmers artificially selected maize varieties that…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#67NV1)
DOTHAN, AL—Offering accolades for the homemade puke it grew up eating, a local barn swallow told reporters Friday that its mother made the best vomit in the world. “I know everyone says this, but no one can regurgitate like my mom does,” said the migratory songbird, explaining that it had eaten vomit from some of the…Read more...
|
|
on (#67NQ5)
Supporters of former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro who refuse to accept his election defeat stormed Congress, the Supreme Court, and presidential palace in the capital, a week after the inauguration of his leftist rival, President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#67NQ6)
CALUMET, OK—In an effort to prepare the teenagers for the reality of rearing children, students at Calumet High School were reportedly learning co-parenting skills Tuesday by fighting over who got to take their egg home for the weekend. “While not a perfect simulation, this project gives students a taste of what it’s…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67NNG)
No amount of rent reduction is worth sharing an apartment with someone like you. Here are telltale signs your roommate actually hates you.Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#67N4R)
Republican Kevin McCarthy was elected House speaker on a historic post-midnight 15th ballot early Saturday, after making extensive concessions to right-wing hardliners that raised questions about the party’s ability to govern. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#67N2F)
SANTA BARBARA, CA—Divulging that the interactions with his brother often got physical, a passage leaked Monday from Spare, the explosive new memoir by Prince Harry, revealed that Prince William used far too much tongue whenever the brothers kissed. “Nearly every time the two of us made out, we’d barely have a chance…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67MZ9)
RIO DE JANEIRO—In the wake of a pro-Bolsonaro mob storming the nation’s capital, Brazilians expressed terror Monday that the riot could lead to years of tedious congressional hearings. “Oh God, we’re going to have to sit through month after month of these bone-dry meetings where grandstanding politicians pat…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67MXQ)
WASHINGTON—Following a tense four days in Congress’ lower chamber that saw members of his own party vote to deny him the top spot 14 straight times, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) was elected speaker of the House early Saturday morning when the far-right GOP minority joined together with the rest of the far-right GOP…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#67MH5)
SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying that the heart wants what the heart wants, local man Ross Weber told reporters Monday that he had a real thing for blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans of pure breeding stock. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a naturally blond woman with an undiluted bloodline and membership in…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#67JDZ)
AUSTIN, TX—After a year in which the electric automaker’s stock lost 65% of its value, CEO Elon Musk has doubled down on plans to build Tesla’s Cybertruck, introducing on Friday a new design for a concept vehicle that would boldly reimagine the American pickup. “This is a truck unlike any the world has ever seen: the…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67HTN)
Health experts have raised the alarm about the fast-spreading coronavirus variant XBB1.5, which could drive a new surge of cases. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about covid XBB1.5.
|
 |
 |
on (#67HS0)
LOS ANGELES—Saying it seemed like something he was supposed to do given his level of income and public renown, local celebrity Chris Hemsworth was reportedly thinking Friday about getting his pilot’s license. “I was just wondering what I should do now that I have a bunch of money and free time, and it just hit me—I…Read more...
|
|
on (#67HQB)
The Vatican has defrocked the American anti-abortion priest Frank Pavone for what it called “blasphemous communications on social media” and “persistent disobedience” after he placed an aborted fetus on an altar and posted a video of it on two social media sites. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#67H2A)
VATICAN CITY—In a requiem mass that followed strict liturgical protocol for a deceased head of the Roman Catholic Church, the funeral of Pope Benedict XVI reportedly concluded Thursday with the ritual eating of the former pontiff’s body. “Father, into your hands I commend his spirit, as we commend to our stomachs his…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67GSC)
With a group of Republicans holding out against the candidacy of Rep. Kevin McCarthy, the election of a new House speaker has hit a stalemate, and the House cannot begin business until a speaker is chosen. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how the speaker of the House is elected.
|
 |
|
on (#67GES)
A study has found that the brains of some stranded dolphins showed classic markers of human Alzheimer’s disease, supporting the theory that “mass strandings” occur when one animal becomes confused and leads their pod into dangerously shallow waters. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#67FEM)
“Wife guys,” a term that has grown in popularity on social media, is used to describe men who base their entire personalities on being married to their wives. Here are the biggest things people hate about wife guys.Read more...
|
|
on (#67F49)
Bestselling author James Patterson is set to complete an unfinished manuscript by the late Michael Crichton, a story in which the imminent eruption of Hawaii’s Mauna Loa volcano threatens a secret cache of deadly chemical weapons. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#67EM1)
NEW YORK—A day after a game was stopped and then indefinitely postponed following the on-field cardiac arrest of Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin, the NFL issued a statement this afternoon in which it clarified to the public that there are not things more important than football. “Understandably, what happened last…Read more...
|
 |
on (#67EFZ)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to garner their support and become Speaker of the House, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) assured his skeptical GOP colleagues Tuesday that he shared their vision of innocents drowning in oceans of blood. “While I hear your concerns and am prepared to make a long list of concessions in exchange for…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#67E3T)
While term limits may be popular among young legislators, many older career politicians have bristled at the idea. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose caps on government leadership, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#67E3V)
TOLEDO, OH—Toiling in obscurity on his cartoon porn adaptations, Aaron Metzler, the iconic artist of Huge Titty Lois Griffin, sadly remains unrecognized in his lifetime, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Despite being the defining creator of the Family Guy erotic fan art genre, nobody even knows Metzler’s name,” said art…Read more...
|
|
on (#67E0C)
French president Emmanuel Macron has announced that starting in 2023, condoms would be made available for free in pharmacies for 18- to 25-year-olds in a bid to reduce the spread of STIs, which increased by 30% over the last two years. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#67DZ0)
INDIANAPOLIS—Acknowledging the sage decision by the people at the top, union-busting manager Dale Lynskey told reporters Tuesday that he graciously accepted a pay cut because his boss knows best. “Our CEO knows exactly what’s right for company, and obviously I was taking more money than my labor was worth, so I’m…Read more...
|