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on (#67DYP)
WASHINGTON—Hoping to allay voters’ concerns about the president’s age, officials at the White House are now just saying that Joe Biden is 52 years old, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Americans have made it clear they want to see younger leadership in the White House, and they’re in luck, because President Biden is only…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 15:15 |
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on (#67D2S)
The European Commission will permit airlines to provide 5G connectivity on board, allowing passengers to make phone calls and use high-speed data on their cell phones during their flight. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67CJP)
WASHINGTON—After a particularly bad hit to the head left a member of the Commanders unresponsive, NFL gravediggers were seen rushing to the field Sunday to deliver last rites and bury the unconscious player. Several reports indicated that the crew, which drove out of the stadium tunnel in a burgundy and gold hearse,…Read more...
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on (#67ARV)
FORT MYERS, FL—Unable to make their way through the hardened, sunburnt exterior, flesh-eating bacteria Vibrio vulnificus reportedly struggled Friday to chew through leathery Florida residents. “Oh God, I can’t even necrotize this person’s skin, it’s so damn tough,” said one of the bacteria, claiming that the gristly…Read more...
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on (#67ARW)
A 72-year-old hospital patient in Germany has been arrested after she allegedly twice switched off the oxygen equipment on which a fellow patient depended because it was too noisy, and doing so despite knowing the oxygen supply was a vital measure. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67ARX)
Too many innocent people to count have died at the hands of devout Swifties, hell-bent on revenge. For your own safety, never say these things to a Taylor Swift fan.Read more...
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on (#679RW)
A Florida woman has filed suit against Velveeta alleging that the statement on its microwavable shells-and-cheese meal is false and misleading because the product takes longer to cook than the advertised three-and-a-half minutes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#679RX)
As an adult, unironically liking anything is shameful, but obsessing over characters from children’s movies is tantamount to treason. Here are the things people hate the most about Disney adults.Read more...
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on (#679RY)
FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of a mass shooting that left seven elementary schoolers dead and nine more injured, the National Rifle Association issued a statement Thursday congratulating the school shooter for his terrific aim given such small targets. “When a situation like this happens, you’ve just got to give it up for…Read more...
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on (#679RZ)
Hertz will pay $168 million to settle hundreds of claims by customers who the company falsely reported stole their vehicles, with some innocent renters arrested or jailed for months. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#677TF)
The French baguette is now under UNESCO safeguarding as an item of “intangible cultural heritage” after France’s culture ministry warned of a “continuous decline” in the number of traditional bakeries, with some 400 closing every year over the past half century. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#677TG)
LANSING, MI—Fretting anxiously over what the future held for him, local childless man Gary D’Amore reportedly wondered Tuesday who would be there to neglect him when he grew old. “Most of my friends can count on their kids to shove them in a nursing home and completely forget about them in their twilight years, but…Read more...
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on (#677S2)
WASHINGTON—Clutching their cocktail glasses close to their chests and shouting their symptoms over the sound of the David Guetta remix blaring from the speakers, the nation’s drunk women held a press conference Tuesday to list the mental illnesses that they have. “Depression, anxiety, ADHD, intrusive thoughts—our…Read more...
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on (#677S3)
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the researchers were by no means happy about these results, an unfortunate study published by Columbia University this week found that abusing restaurant waitstaff is the secret to living a longer, happier life.Read more...
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on (#677RT)
Cats may look furry and adorable, but the truth is they are bloodthirsty, coldhearted murderers who live and sleep by your side. Here are all the things cats do that prove they are psychopaths.Read more...
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on (#6772B)
FISHERS, IN—An encouraging scene reportedly unfolded at a local Kroger supermarket Monday morning when a local woman’s existential horror at the wealthy elite selling off humanity’s future was successfully sublimated into yelling at a cashier. Sources confirmed that Teresa Baker showed an astounding capacity for…Read more...
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on (#676ZX)
DJ Khaled took to Instagram to show off his four new luxury toilets gifted to him for Christmas by Canadian rapper Drake, the toilets costing up to $20,000 each and featuring a UV-light cleaning system, deodorizer, heated seats, night light, and bidet function. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#676YZ)
SHANGHAI—Remarking that the megatall skyscraper must have been drinking its milk, sources confirmed Monday that China’s Shanghai Tower had officially been named the world’s tallest building after undergoing a late growth spurt. “I guess we all figured the Shanghai Tower had already done all the growing it ever would,…Read more...
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on (#676YP)
CHICAGO—In an analysis of the latest research into the condition, doctors from the University of Illinois Chicago warned Thursday that insomnia can have numerous unexpected consequences, such as impairing the ability of a weird guy to stand in your doorway and watch you sleep. “Chronic sleep loss affects when and for…Read more...
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on (#6755J)
ST. PAUL, MN—Counting down the days until the end of his work year, local Christmas tree lot guy Alan Martin told reporters Wednesday he was “so ready” for his annual 46-week vacation. “By the time late December rolls around, I’m usually pretty burnt out and just waiting for Christmas Day to get here so I can take…Read more...
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on (#674VE)
Titanic director James Cameron says he commissioned a scientific study that proves Leonardo DiCaprio’s character could not have survived the “floating door” scene with Kate Winslet’s Rose, a response to angry fans saying the makeshift raft could hold them both. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#674QJ)
As a general rule, restaurant workers should never, ever be respected. The Onion asked customers why they refuse to tip, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#673M9)
Gaslighting is incredibly fun to do to other people, but when it’s happening to you, not so much. If someone is trying to gaslight you, try telling them the following things.Read more...
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on (#673MA)
LINCOLN, MA—Saying it seemed to happen around the same time every month, sources confirmed Thursday that local girlfriend Tyra Randall was in one of those moods where she deeply missed her deceased mother. “I know it’s not her fault, but I can’t help but get a little annoyed when Tyra gets into one of her little funks…Read more...
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on (#673JJ)
LADSON, SC—Accusing the automated phone assistant of failing to do her research, local father Greg Fahey reportedly engaged Siri Thursday in an argument about WWII. “Siri, what was the turning point for the allied forces?” asked Fahey, who, after Siri responded that the turning point of WWII was the Battle of…Read more...
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on (#673JK)
SAN DIEGO—Saving customers the work of murdering the adorable rodents themselves, Petco announced Thursday that it would begin selling pre-killed gerbils. “We are happy to provide pet owners with added convenience by offering gerbils that come pre-killed,” said Petco CEO Ron Coughlin, explaining that several varieties…Read more...
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on (#672ZR)
Fortnite creator Epic Games will pay a record $520 million to settle allegations that it illegally collected children’s personal information and used “dark patterns” to encourage accidental in-game purchases. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#672F4)
DAYTON, OH—Awkwardly exchanging pleasantries with the Lord and Savior she broke things off with a year ago, ex-Christian Libby McNeil made uncomfortable small talk Wednesday after running into Jesus Christ at the grocery store. “Oh, hey Jesus, how have you been? Still living in Heaven?” said McNeil, who was…Read more...
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on (#672F5)
TULSA, OK—In an effort to avoid being a burden during such a difficult time, compassionate local man Arnold Lazenby told reporters Wednesday that he was leaving his wife to give her the space she needs to deal with her recent cancer diagnosis. “Learning she has stage 4 pancreatic cancer has upended Lisa’s entire…Read more...
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on (#672F6)
Though it’s excessively rare, men do actually sometimes recognize that they have emotional issues and then seek to rectify them. When men attend therapy, here are the most common issues they bring up.Read more...
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on (#672ES)
MOORHEAD, MN—Emphasizing that the officers feared for their safety and had no choice but to open fire, police told reporters Wednesday that a man who was shot dead could have been holding a gun in a diverging timeline. “Today, at approximately 5:30 p.m., officers fired several shots at an unarmed civilian who, due to…Read more...
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on (#672B8)
The United Nations has voted to remove Iran from its Commission on the Status of Women for the remainder of its 2022–2026 term, a response to the brutal crackdown on women-led protests against the regime. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#671PX)
Millions of Twitter users asked Elon Musk to step down as head of Twitter in a poll the billionaire created and promised to abide by. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6716T)
ZURICH—Looking ahead to the future after concluding the 2022 World Cup, FIFA officials announced Tuesday that they were officially open for 2030 World Cup bribes. “Given the time it takes to prepare to host a sporting event of this magnitude, the FIFA selection committee would like to accept a winning bribe as soon as…Read more...
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on (#6716V)
Although you may want to say vaguely threatening things to everyone at the airport, it’s best to be careful around certain people. Here are things you should never say to a Transportation Security Administration officer.Read more...
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on (#6716A)
ATLANTA—In a disturbing report published Tuesday on a rising trend in U.S. pools, researchers at Emory University found that hundreds of swimmers die each year after getting tangled up in plastic lane dividers. “Our results indicate that nearly four in 10 swimmers who enter a pool with plastic lane dividers get…Read more...
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on (#6716B)
FORT JACKSON, SC— Expressing frustration at his inability to accurately describe his assessment of his current trainees, sources confirmed Tuesday that a drill sergeant was struggling to communicate that his new recruits were, in fact, the worst he’s ever seen. “You’re the lowliest pack of maggots that I ever laid…Read more...
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