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on (#5ZC75)
CINCINNATI—Calling the air freshener their “strongest product yet,” executives at Febreze reportedly began marketing a new rotting rat carcass Wednesday for covering up tough odors. “Whether you’re dealing with an overflowing trash can or a noxious bathroom, Febreze’s new line of bloated, dead rats will cover up that…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 07:00 |
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on (#5ZC74)
FAIRFAX, VA—As his contentious defamation trial stretched into its sixth week, leading man Johnny Depp reportedly lost all support from those following the proceedings after fans realized Wednesday that they had been confusing him for actor Orlando Bloom. “Oh gross, it’s fucking Willy Wonka? That’s who we’ve been…Read more...
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on (#5ZC72)
CHICAGO—In keeping with his responsibility to ensure only the ideal clientele were permitted entry, Tempo Bar’s kindhearted bouncer Felix Maddsen reportedly let everyone into the club last night for being hot in their own special way. “You may not have a flawless figure or wear expensive clothes, but I can tell you’re…Read more...
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on (#5ZC71)
An all-male panel of judges in the U.K. has ruled that commenting on a man’s baldness is a form of sex discrimination or sexual harassment, saying that since baldness is more prevalent in men, commenting on it in the workplace is equivalent to remarking on the size of a woman’s breasts. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZBCH)
SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop the nation from crumbling, President Joe Biden touted the resiliency of American decline Tuesday while touring a factory that had been closed for decades. “As I stand here in this shuttered…Read more...
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on (#5ZBAA)
WASHINGTON—Sending members of Congress ducking under their seats and covering their ears, the U.S. Capitol building was reportedly placed on lockdown Tuesday after a deranged man entered the Senate chamber with gun control measures. “It was terrifying—apparently he had written up hundreds and hundreds of pages…Read more...
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on (#5ZB7Q)
LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation within the city a “humanitarian disaster,” Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti pledged Tuesday to provide emergency housing for residents who had spotted a homeless guy in their neighborhood. “Starting today, the City of Los Angeles will provide both temporary and permanent shelter to…Read more...
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on (#5ZB7P)
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Admitting he knew it wasn’t strictly allowed by his mission commanders, astronaut Lance Mann reportedly lifted his helmet Tuesday to sneak a quick forbidden gulp of space air. “I know I’m not supposed to, but I just can’t resist,” the NASA astronaut said during a routine spacewalk to repair one of the…Read more...
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on (#5ZB7N)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Bringing the flame closer to the strange markings scrawled on the sheet before him, local dad Joe Kurinsky reportedly read a restaurant menu with a candle Friday like an archaeologist deciphering the runes of an ancient, forgotten language. The 56-year-old father of three, as though translating…Read more...
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on (#5ZAVK)
Giving up on your dreams isn’t always as pathetic as it sounds! Here are things no one tells you about moving back to your hometown as an adult.Read more...
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on (#5Z9E8)
NEUCHATEL, SWITZERLAND—In a damning indictment of the agency’s own social graces, the CIA came under intense scrutiny Monday after officials declassified a report detailing the foreign intelligence service’s use of abusive etiquette coaches in previously undisclosed black site finishing schools.
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on (#5Z9E7)
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—In keeping with its core business principles and ongoing pledge to provide assistance to war criminals in need, international food processing giant Nestlé pledged Monday to set aside 10% of its profits to help fund genocide in developing countries. “We believe it is our responsibility as a corporate…Read more...
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on (#5Z9E4)
CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA—In an effort to create a more relaxed and safe environment for himself and the other customers, a local barber reportedly sedated a nervous man Monday before his haircut. “He seemed like he might start biting people, so this just made it easier for everyone,” said Reggie Allen, the owner of…Read more...
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on (#5Z9E3)
Eighty-two-year-old Succession actor and activist James Cromwell super-glued his hand to a midtown Manhattan Starbucks counter in a PETA-organized protest denouncing the coffee chain’s extra charge for plant-based milk. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z9E2)
SLAPOUT, OK—Bemoaning the complete lack of cultural diversity in the barren stretch of prairie, sources confirmed Monday that every radio station in rural Oklahoma was playing the same stupid emergency tornado warning. “How are these hicks not bored out of their skulls hearing nothing but these dumb weather…Read more...
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on (#5Z774)
PENSACOLA, FL—Remarking upon what he called the “unbelievable laziness” of American women, a local man reported Friday that he simply could not understand why mothers facing the nationwide baby formula shortage wouldn’t just feed their infants breast meat. “That’s what you have them for, right? You can get several…Read more...
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on (#5Z6Z5)
BOCA RATON, FL—In a feat stunned observers called “miraculous” and “inspiring,” courageous passenger Erica Spencer, 36, reportedly provided emergency beverage service Thursday after the sole flight attendant fell ill on an American Airlines flight from Miami to Boston. “You could tell she was really scared—her hands…Read more...
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on (#5Z6Z6)
Microplastics were recently found in human blood for the first time, leading to questions about what they are and how they could affect people’s health. The Onion answers common questions about microplastics.
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on (#5Z6P7)
PITTSBURGH—In what is being hailed as a revolutionary advancement in women’s reproductive healthcare, Foundation Consumer Brands, the maker of Plan B One-Step, held a press conference Friday to introduce its new emergency team of brawny men who shake down impregnators for abortion money. “Our latest birth control…Read more...
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on (#5Z6P5)
LOS ANGELES—Complaining that he droned on about “futures” and “potentials” during his address at their college graduation Friday, students at the University of Southern California reported that their commencement speaker was some rando who had pioneered lifesaving medical research. “I assumed they’d have someone like…Read more...
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on (#5Z5XB)
LOS ANGELES—Additional details released Thursday regarding Tom Brady’s 10-year, $375 million announcing deal with Fox Sports revealed the seven-time Super Bowl champion’s contract includes incentives based on the number of verbs he uses. “Performance bonuses are necessary to land an announcer of Tom’s caliber, which…Read more...
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on (#5Z59C)
MÜRZZUSCHLAG, AUSTRIA—Speaking at a press conference held at resort high in the Semmering Pass, Austrian man Fritz Hörbiger reportedly asked the world to give themselves over to pleasure Thursday while slowly disrobing. “Please, I ask you to hear me out and surrender to fleshly delight,” said the Austrian…Read more...
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on (#5Z59A)
McDonald’s workers in America would flip if they ever got a break long enough to read this. Here are the most surprising benefits that McDonald’s employees get in Denmark.Read more...
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on (#5Z599)
PITTSBURGH—Fears that the U.S. education system was growing increasingly lame were confirmed Thursday when an alarming study by researchers at Carnegie Mellon University found that only 2% of the nation’s population can draw cool flames. “Among our frankly disturbing findings was that 98 in 100 Americans have…Read more...
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on (#5Z598)
Researchers discovered a large collection of Native American cave art carvings in Alabama using 3D scanning technology to reveal thousands of carvings, including life-size anthropomorphs thought to possibly represent supernatural beings of the underworld. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z346)
The New York Times has removed the word “fetus” from Monday’s Wordle answers in a bid to keep the popular online game “distinct from the news” after last week’s leaked Roe v. Wade supreme court draft ruling, ultimately causing confusion as it was only implemented for some of the game’s players. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z329)
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Pledging to remain a haven for residents of surrounding states if Roe v. Wade is overturned, Gov. Mike Parson announced Tuesday that Missouri will welcome any and all abortion seekers who travel there from their home state in order to get arrested. “We’re ready to welcome these abortion seekers with…Read more...
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on (#5Z2EH)
A central Indiana man accused of murdering his wife and dumping her body in a creek in March has advanced in a Republican primary election for township board, winning close to 22% of the total 276 votes, while awaiting trial in jail. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z2EF)
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In an effort to dispel long-standing misconceptions surrounding aviation safety, researchers at the University of Virginia released a comprehensive new study Tuesday that determined flying on an airplane is far safer than flying in a car. “While fear of airplanes remains common among the American…Read more...
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on (#5Z2EE)
LONDON—Describing the initiative as its most far-reaching contribution yet to the climate fight, multinational oil company Shell announced plans Tuesday to plant a single tree for every irreversible planet-wide disaster it causes. “We want to become part of the solution, and that’s why we’re proud to unveil our new…Read more...
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on (#5Z2ED)
In today’s gig economy, rideshare drivers receive zero protections but are forced to risk their lives for customers. The Onion asked drivers to describe their worst experience, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5Z2EC)
NAPERVILLE, IL—Addressing members of the household from a front yard lectern, local dad Jim Martin delivered his annual state of the lawn speech Tuesday, according to reports from those in attendance. “Honey, kids, I am promising you right now, this year will bring a fuller, greener, and more robust lawn for everybody…Read more...
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on (#5Z1RC)
Louisiana lawmakers have advanced a bill that would abolish abortion in the state, grant constitutional rights to “all unborn children from the moment of fertilization,” and classify abortion as a homicide crime. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z1C8)
KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the series perfect for the cable network’s lineup of real estate and home improvement shows, HGTV president Jane Latman announced Monday the launch of a new program that sends a couple to old houses around the country to call them disgusting. “Every week, our fun and engaging hosts Curt and Kelly…Read more...
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on (#5Z1C9)
WASHINGTON—After reporting a sharp rise in the risky behavior, the American Pharmacists Association held a press conference Monday to warn patients not to share their prescription drugs with anyone who wouldn’t do the same for them. “It’s important never to give any of your prescribed medications to another person…Read more...
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on (#5Z1B8)
MANDEVILLE, LA—Shining his flashlight into the driver’s face and feigning surprise as he “discovered” the incriminating evidence, a Louisiana police officer planted an aborted fetus on a Black suspect whom he subsequently arrested, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh ho, ho, ho! Look what we have here—you mind telling me…Read more...
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on (#5Z1B9)
“Free speech is getting to say the N-word, or any racial slur, without fear of demonization or persecution.”Read more...
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on (#5Z143)
TOPEKA, KS—Gathering to commemorate the loss of the family matriarch, relatives of local deceased woman Barbara King, 87, reportedly came to terms with their grandmother’s death Monday by accepting the fact that she totally sucked. “Sharing photos and stories about Grandma Babs has been an important part of the…Read more...
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