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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 07:00 |
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on (#5Z009)
BROOKLYN, NY—Trying to shrink down on the bench where the girl couldn’t see her, local teacher Sabrina Ionescu was reportedly embarrassed Saturday after a student recognized her working at a second job. “Oh, shit, she’s waving at me,” the seventh-grade history teacher was heard to utter, reportedly hoping that the…Read more...
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on (#5YZMF)
JERSEY CITY, NJ—Asking lots of questions about all the novel food items and charming rituals, Yahweh, Our Lord God and Creator, reportedly attended His first Shabbat dinner Friday night and was delighted by the experience. “Wow, I can’t believe I’ve never been to one of these before—it’s so interesting!” said the…Read more...
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on (#5YZ2M)
The Satanic Temple has requested to fly its flag over Boston City Hall after a recent Supreme Court ruling that the city violated a Christian group’s constitutional free speech rights by refusing to raise a flag bearing the image of a cross. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YZ47)
WASHINGTON—A study released Friday by the National Sleep Foundation found that the average giant swallows as many as eight Americans in their sleep every year. “Our research indicates that slumbering giants swallow a small but statistically significant number of Americans per year, often after the pests…Read more...
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on (#5YZ2G)
SAN FRANCISCO—In order to stay up-to-date with the latest abortion laws and restrictions, period tracker app Cycle announced Friday that it had added a new “surrender to authorities” feature. “Starting today, users who are several days late or fully miss periods can select their crime, call the police, and confess…Read more...
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on (#5YZ0H)
Love them or hate them, none of us would be the incompetent failures we are today without our moms. In honor of all our nation’s mothers, here are the greatest moms in U.S. history.Read more...
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on (#5YYVT)
NEW YORK—According to a large-scale, comprehensive study published Friday in the Journal Of Cognitive Neuropsychology, blowing hair off one’s face while carrying a complicated coffee order for one’s boss across bustling city streets has been identified as the single greatest indicator of stress. “The act of…Read more...
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on (#5YYVB)
The leak of a draft opinion by Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito to overturn the landmark Roe v. Wade case is giving rise to concerns that abortion could be banned in many U.S. states and is leading many Americans to wonder how the nation got to this point. The Onion looks at the major events and people that have…Read more...
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on (#5YYNN)
TUCSON, AZ—Moved by the emotion of the moment, the audience at the University of Arizona’s graduation ceremony reportedly teared up Friday after a skeleton showed up to receive his posthumous degree. “Wow, this is a truly beautiful sight to behold,” said spectator Catherine Talbot, who told reporters she was…Read more...
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on (#5YYNP)
PHILADELPHIA—Responding to questions about his on-court struggles during his team’s playoff series against the Miami Heat, a diminished Philadelphia 76ers guard James Harden admitted Friday that he isn’t flopping with the same agility he used to. “After 13 seasons in the NBA, I’d be lying if I said I could pretend to…Read more...
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on (#5YYGM)
TurboTax owner Intuit agreed to pay $141 million to settle a claim from all 50 states and the District of Columbia that it deceived nearly 4.4 million Americans into paying for tax services that should have been free. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YXQS)
WASHINGTON—Briefly pausing as he removed his shirt to request one more explanation for why he was doing this, a half-naked Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) reportedly asked Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) what all of this was for as the House minority leader held up a camcorder. “Wait, I’m sorry, Kevin, I know you must…Read more...
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on (#5YXQT)
AUSTIN, TX—With a leaked Supreme Court opinion signaling the landmark ruling is poised to be struck down, trigger laws in 13 states are set to automatically detonate abortion clinics the moment Roe v. Wade is overturned, sources reported Thursday. “We have placed highly combustible charges in and around every…Read more...
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on (#5YXN4)
NEW YORK—Saying the statement had immediately set her mind at ease, local woman Sarah Waldman expressed relief Thursday upon finding her husband in bed with a nude stranger and hearing that he could explain everything. “Oh thank god, I thought he might be cheating on me, but it seems like there’s a perfectly…Read more...
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on (#5YXJK)
Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion asked celebrity power couple Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson to provide a window into a typical week in their lives.
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on (#5YXJ2)
NASHUA, NH—Offering of-age friends and family an opportunity to learn how their relationship began, the wedding website of engaged couple Marc Guerrero, 26, and Karina Rivlin, 27, includes an 18-plus section where guests can read the story of the pair’s first hookup, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s such a nice…Read more...
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on (#5YWFT)
The Supreme Court will vote to strike down the landmark Roe V. Wade decision according to a leaked draft majority opinion written by Justice Samuel Alito, likely ending nearly 50 years of federal abortion protection. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YWCM)
MCLEAN, VA—Stating that its latest confection was equally suitable as a movie snack or an hors-d’oeuvre, multinational candy manufacturer Mars Inc. announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new savory crab-stuffed M&M. “At long last, classic varieties such as original, peanut, and almond will be joined by an M&M…Read more...
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on (#5YW96)
LOS ANGELES—Making the extremely rare tracks available to the public for the first time, the Barry White estate issued a previously unreleased album Wednesday that represents an early era in which the R&B legend known for his sultry bass-baritone was still a confused virgin frightened by the idea of sex. “White was…Read more...
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on (#5YW3F)
CHICAGO—Rushing to assist the fatigued, out-of-breath man as he triumphantly threw his arms up and fell to the ground, multiple onlookers draped a foil blanket over their coworker Wednesday after he successfully took the stairs. “Hey, man, you did it, you actually did it, you made it all the way up the stairs, and you…Read more...
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on (#5YVXJ)
MASON, OH—Noting that his friend could rattle off the cost of items with near robotic accuracy, local 10-year-old Jamison Fritz told reporters Tuesday that his poor friend Daniel was really good at the grocery part of The Price Is Right. “Whenever they put things like snacks, food, or toiletries on TV, Daniel always…Read more...
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on (#5YV8W)
Experts are reporting that the aggressive lone star tick species, which can cause alpha-gal syndrome, an acquired lifelong allergy to red meat and other animal products, is spreading in the US from its native Southeast into the northern states. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YV7C)
WASHINGTON—Carefully watching their faces to gauge reactions, the Supreme Court employee responsible for the leaked draft opinion reportedly said, “Guess that makes him or her some kind of American hero, huh?” while discussing the news with coworkers Tuesday. “Wow, to take a stand like that, that requires some major…Read more...
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on (#5YV7D)
WASHINGTON—Building upon the arguments in his draft of the majority opinion likely to overturn Roe v. Wade, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito was said to have somberly tied a noose Tuesday after realizing he himself was not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. “Absolutely nowhere in this nation’s foundational…Read more...
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on (#5YV7E)
WASHINGTON—In the wake of a leaked draft of a decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, potentially leading to abortion becoming illegal in many states, the nation was reportedly forced Tuesday to seek human rights from a back-alley Supreme Court. “Yeah, it’s not as safe and pretty dirty, but if you desperately need rights,…Read more...
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on (#5YV2G)
Whitby Abbey, a 7th-Century English monastery, will attempt to break the world record for the largest gathering of people dressed as vampires to celebrate the 125th anniversary of Bram Stoker’s novel, “Dracula,” which was partly inspired by the abbey ruins. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YV2H)
Can’t go wrong with a simple, heartfelt declaration of support.Read more...
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on (#5YTJ5)
An American family caused panic at an Israeli airport when they tried to bring an unexploded artillery shell they had found in the Golan Heights back to the states as a souvenir. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YSVQ)
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made an unannounced trip to Kyiv over the weekend to meet with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to voice American solidarity with the besieged nation, making her the highest-ranking leader to visit since the invasion began. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YQ1Q)
WASHINGTON—In a new strategy developed by top White House advisors and Democratic consultants, President Joe Biden reportedly tried to boost his approval ratings Friday by showing a little ankle. “Oops—well, will you look at that,” said Biden in an address to the American people, lifting the hem of his pants leg to…Read more...
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on (#5YNR9)
House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy told Republican lawmakers in a leaked audio recording of a private conference call that then-President Donald Trump had admitted some responsibility for the deadly attack at the Capitol, which he denied until the audio became public. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YNKH)
SANDUSKY, OH—Though reasoning that it was unlikely such a slight indulgence would affect her fetus this late in the term, local pregnant woman Rachel Mandross announced Thursday that she would rather be overly cautious and only ride a roller coaster at Cedar Point amusement park six or seven more times. “I don’t want…Read more...
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on (#5YNKK)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these…Read more...
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on (#5YNGJ)
DELAWARE, OH—Stating that they were tired of their stupid family gathering and wanted to go do something cool, the nation’s older cousins reportedly announced plans Thursday to whip butterfly knives around in the woods. “Beginning around 3 p.m. EST and extending until it’s dark, we’ll be in the clearing whipping the…Read more...
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on (#5YNGK)
NEW YORK—Responding to criticism about the team’s slow start to the 2022 season, New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone attributed the team’s offensive slump Thursday to terrified hitters closing their eyes during swings. “What reporters and fans have to understand is that the ball comes at our guys very fast, and…Read more...
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on (#5YM1B)
SARASOTA, FL—Consternation reportedly struck local sales lead Ryan Carlyle Wednesday after his first conversation with a new coworker went off like absolute shit. “Hard to say if I could’ve fucked up what should have been a normal introductory exchange worse than I did,” said Carlyle following a strained three-minute…Read more...
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on (#5YKSZ)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that the public education system indoctrinated students with liberal rhetoric, Florida lawmakers passed a new bill Tuesday that banned schools from teaching students anything besides the misadventures of the two best friends George Washington and Jesus Christ. “In classrooms across our state,…Read more...
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on (#5YKSY)
NEW YORK—While expressing appreciation for the last-minute averting of his demise, local 9-year-old Liam Richter told reporters Wednesday that despite being saved from the train tracks by an angel, he was he was still kind of disappointed it wasn’t Spider-Man. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I didn’t get hit by the…Read more...
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on (#5YKSX)
House minority leader Kevin McCarthy, a California Republican, has recently come under fire for his role in allegedly obstructing the investigation of the January 6 Capitol riot. The Onion tells you what you need to know about McCarthy and the current controversy.
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on (#5YKSW)
French President Emmanuel Macron has won reelection against far-right candidate Marie Le Pen, making Macron the first French president in 20 years to win reelection since Jacque Chirac defeated Le Pen’s father in 2002. What do you think?Read more...
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