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on (#5YJY6)
Twitter has accepted billionaire Elon Musk’s offer to buy the social media company and take it private in a $44 billion deal that will put the world’s richest man in charge of one of the world’s most influential social media platforms. What do you think?Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 08:45 |
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on (#5YJFQ)
While many Americans were horrified by the FAA’s decision to drop mask mandates, an equal number were overjoyed. The Onion asked several flight crew members how they felt about the change, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5YJCN)
ORLANDO, FL—Announcing that the 25,000-acre resort was now officially a part of the independent and sovereign Reedy Creek Improvement Republic, Disney World was reportedly fortifying its borders with armed characters Monday as the theme park shared its plan to secede from Florida. “Florida can try to dissolve our…Read more...
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on (#5YJCM)
RALEIGH, NC—Emphasizing that he was just looking for a nice pup to give a quiet, loving home, childless uncle Frank Felton reportedly announced his plans Tuesday to get a third incredibly fucked up dog. “Well, I’ve had Ginger here for 14 years, and Coco for 16, so I think whoever I adopt would fit right in,” said…Read more...
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on (#5YJCK)
ANN ARBOR, MI—Blasting the move as a “total breach of the public’s trust,” Domino’s came under fire Tuesday after a report revealed the chain had shared pizza topping data with police. “It’s disturbing, and frankly alarming, that Domino’s willingly handed over their customer’s detailed personal cheese, meat, and crust…Read more...
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on (#5YJCH)
A Florida bride and caterer have been criminally charged after secretly serving food laced with marijuana to their wedding guests, several of whom complained of feeling drugged and were sent to the hospital. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YJCG)
NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Impressing all onlookers with her powerful ability to shape discourse, local woman Ainsley Bishop reportedly called out a sauce stain on her shirt Tuesday in order to control the narrative. “Yeah, I know I’ve got a stain on my shirt—it’s from lunch,” said Bishop of the ketchup stain on her garment in…Read more...
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on (#5YHRW)
A woman who was hiking in a national forest in Washington state accidentally dropped her phone into the hole of a vault toilet and fell in while trying to retrieve it, where she was trapped for an hour before being rescued by firefighters. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YHFG)
LOS ANGELES—Witnessing what he saw as a gross display of blatantly aggrandizing behavior, local concertgoer Jeff Graham confirmed Monday that the sycophantic backup singers on stage were just mindlessly parroting whatever the lead singer said. “These people are nothing but yes men, echoing anything that guy in the…Read more...
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on (#5YHFH)
HUDSON, OH—In an effort to make learning both fun and immersive, local math teacher Carissa Gibbons told reporters Monday that she let students pick out their own Spanish names. “At the beginning of every year, I pass out a list and have the kids pick the new names we’ll use to refer to them in class—they always fight…Read more...
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on (#5YHDE)
NASHVILLE, TN—Joining a growing number of states imposing waiting period restrictions, Tennessee passed a new law Monday requiring women to wait 24 hours before getting a burger. “Thinking about getting a burger isn’t something anyone should do lightly, and we want women to understand there are consequences,” said…Read more...
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on (#5YHDF)
POCATELLO, ID—Wearing the same clothes she had on the day before, local resident Amy Tisdale snuck out of the house Monday morning, reportedly embarrassed following an ill-advised night of sex with her husband Doug Tisdale. “I can’t believe I actually slept with that uggo,” said Tisdale, who added that she had been as…Read more...
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on (#5YH3V)
Russia announced that it test-fired a new intercontinental ballistic missile in a move that President Vladimir Putin said would give the U.S. and its allies something to think about as the conflict in Ukraine intensifies. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YH3S)
Football National Park: Over 1.5 million acres of wild helmets, balls, and jerseys.Read more...
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on (#5YF33)
The Florida state legislature passed a bill seeking to dissolve a special district that allows the Walt Disney Company to act as its own government within the outer limits of Orange and Osceola counties after the company voiced its opposition of the “Don’t Say Gay” law. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YEH8)
Netflix has reported losing subscribers for the first time in more than a decade, citing password sharing and recently suspending its service in Russia for the loss of 200,000 subscriptions. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YDFK)
A darkness has fallen upon the Fourth Estate. It is a darkness only seen after a nation’s sole beacon of journalistic truth-telling is snuffed out. One might surmise that such an affront to the First Amendment would warrant an immediate response from lesser news outlet seeking to express solidarity in the fight for…Read more...
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on (#5YD73)
The FDA is investigating breakfast cereal Lucky Charms after receiving more than 100 claims over the last year that the cereal made consumers sick, while an additional 3,000 people have posted complaints about the cereal on the food safety website, iwaspoisoned.com. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YDNJ)
CHICAGO—In accordance with the fine print in his contract, The Onion’s intern Sam Kotson was forced into a hunger strike Thursday, a protest that will continue until Twitter lifts our ban. “As of this morning, our low-level unpaid intern will be forcibly compelled to forgo all food until Twitter ends its malignant…Read more...
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on (#5YCFT)
Remember, the entire institution of marriage was designed for financial gain. Here are several signs your spouse might be using you for money.Read more...
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on (#5YCB3)
DENVER—As part of an ongoing investigation into a brutal homicide that so far has no clear suspects, an official report released Wednesday by the Denver Police Department’s senior blood spatter analyst concluded that it’s all the red stuff. “After conducting a thorough examination of the crime scene, we were able to…Read more...
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on (#5YBWX)
AMES, IA—Alerting consumers to the potential dangers of ingesting the condiment, a Hellmann’s mayonnaise label reportedly warned Wednesday that the product was for external use only. “Warning: Do not ingest!” read the label in part, explaining that the topical condiment could cause adverse reactions if administered…Read more...
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on (#5YBWW)
Florida’s education department has rejected 54 mathematics textbooks from next year’s school curriculum, with 21% of the books banned for allegedly referencing critical race theory and other prohibited topics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YBWV)
The Justice Department announced new legislation to regulate “ghost guns,” which are becoming increasingly prevalent in the U.S. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ghost guns.
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on (#5YBWT)
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Wednesday by USDA’s Economic Research Service, 73% of food waste in the United States can be traced back to one really messy toddler. “Our collected data show that almost three quarters of the 60 billion tons of food thrown out every year in this country is due to 2-year-old…Read more...
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on (#5YB5K)
KHARKIV, UKRAINE—Exacting swift and merciless retribution for the missile strike on his World Central Kitchen outpost, celebrity chef José Andrés was reportedly spotted Tuesday enclosing several terrified Russian soldiers within the pastry case of an enormous empanada. “Providing meals to displaced civilians during…Read more...
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on (#5YB50)
A federal judge in Florida has voided the national mask mandate covering airplanes and other public transportation as exceeding the authority of U.S. health officials, a ruling that comes a week after the CDC extended the mandate to counter the recent rise in Covid infections. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YB51)
NEW YORK—Responding swiftly after a federal judge struck down the sky mandate, domestic airlines including Delta, United, and Southwest announced Tuesday that it was safe to fly planes indoors again. “Finally, after two long years of strict government regulations, passengers can breathe a sigh of relief knowing…Read more...
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on (#5YB2Q)
After Disney publicly opposed Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, countless conservatives began to boycott the company. The Onion asked parents how they came to that decision, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5YAY1)
NEW YORK—Bemoaning the lack of opportunities for growth in his current position, Eakins Analytics CEO Ryan Hammond expressed frustration Tuesday at being stuck in a dead-end seven-figure job. “Honestly, when I try to picture my future at this place, all I can imagine is spending decade after decade stalled out…Read more...
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on (#5YAV8)
WILMINGTON, NC—Painting a picture of the future the prospective buyers might one day share if they purchased the home, real estate agent Marjorie Krauss reportedly suggested to a couple Tuesday that the old Victorian house she was showing them would be the perfect place to murder a family one day. “You’re both still…Read more...
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on (#5YAV9)
CHICAGO—Outlining the details of the man’s current policy over the phone Tuesday, a representative explained to local 32-year-old Greg Tarlton that his health insurance plan only covered random hippopotamus attacks. “Your current benefits as a Gold HMO member entitle you to reimbursement for most dental, vision,…Read more...
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on (#5YAKS)
AURORA, IL—Praising the competitive program for shaping the young girl into the obsessive woman she would one day become, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 10-year-old Sofia Haliday’s after school gymnastics club was giving her the self-discipline needed to sustain an eating disorder for life. “She has a great team…Read more...
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on (#5Y9ZS)
The Food and Drug Administration granted emergency use authorization to the first Covid-19 test that can use breath samples to detect the coronavirus within a few minutes and with a high degree of accuracy. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y9WF)
Money might be fake, but your boss’s reluctance to pay you isn’t. Here are common excuses employers will use to avoid giving you a hard-earned raise.Read more...
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on (#5Y9HD)
NEW YORK—Calling it an amazing opportunity to get more involved and earn some extra cash, local company VisionLab reportedly began a referral program Monday that offered bonuses for nominating potential employees to fire. “If you know someone that you’ve worked with and think they would be a great fit, please send us…Read more...
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on (#5Y9HE)
SEATTLE—Expressing disappointment in the apparent lack of quality, a local man shopping online for cheap sunglasses Monday reported that he felt troubled by reviews calling the sunglasses he was looking at cheap. “I just wanted to buy some shades for a very, very small amount of money, but every time I find ones I…Read more...
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